Happy Donkey Holidays!

Thanks to all that have wished us well during the last month or so. Things have been tough, but we're pulling through. With that, I announce my somewhat non-spectacular return to posting, and what better time of year for me to start than the Donkey Holidays! Pull up a chair and let me tell you various stories inspired by holiday donkness. Yes, this is the time of the year that most people can't think straight and wind up doing all sorts of donkey-like activities. That means that the real donkeys are even worse, if you can even begin to imagine such a thing.

We'll start with my quest for a new TV. After doing a bunch of research, and with a lot of help from a good friend from RGP, I knew what I was looking for. I have a strange built-in entertainment center, so I had a to keep things to a certain size that wasn't very universal. We packed the kids up, went to Circuit City, and after chasing the kids around the store for a half hour and taking some measurements, we decided the 42" Philips plasma TV was the one for us. However, we didn't buy it there, because the price on the website was quite a bit less, and the web site prominently displayed a "free shipping" option for this particular TV.

So the last day of the sale comes along, and I log onto Donkey City's web site. I choose the TV, get the credit card all ready, then run into a snag. By "free shipping" they really mean "you come and pick this big ass TV up yourself." Well, that wasn't too bad, since the store isn't that far from us. But no, it's only available in a store 200 miles away, in another state. Great! I then decide to call Donkey City up, and speak to the same salesman that I talked to when we went into the store. Remember, we looked at this TV on the wall, had him take measurements of it, talked about wall mounting it, and all sorts of stuff. He said that they were out of stock, they haven't had any in for quite some time, and don't expect to receive any for at least 2-3 weeks. Great, thanks a lot donkey boy!

My quest was not to go unfulfilled, however. I started surfing around, and wound up on Sears.com. Sears had the same TV for a few hundred dollars cheaper. Plus, no interest financing for 18 months. Now that's what I'm talking about. I have 18 months to pay this thing off with poker money before the wife has my head. Awesome! So I place the order, decide to not have it shipped to me for $50, because I can pick it up at the local store. I get the measurements for the TV, figure out a little extra for shipping, and then decide how to get it home. I talked to my mom, who inherited my grandpa's big ass Cadillac, and after realizing the back seat was bigger than my first apartment, we figured it had to fit in there.

Last night, off to Sears we go. The guy brings out a tape measure after hearing it's going into a Cadillac, and I see the measurements of the box, which clearly state 37". He measures around in the inside of the door, and gets measurements of 39" all around, then declares "nope, it won't fit." I tried explaining that something 37" high should fit through a 39" opening, but he refused, and I was out of luck because I wasn't about to try this on my own, and their policy is to refuse to release the item unless they can put it into a vehicle themselves. So, we are off to speak to a sales rep to have the TV delivered.

Fast forward 45 freaking minutes. I now have returned the existing TV and purchased a new one. Since it's gone on sale in the last 3 days, I also received $100 back. So we're almost set. After 6 trips back to wherever the hell he kept going, my sales donkey (more on this in a bit) finally has all the paperwork figured out. He has a copy of the receipt for me, all the information for delivery, a delivery date, and we're about ready to go. He decides to write down his cell number in case I have any questions. So he writes his number, and below it wrote, and I quote, "Sales Ass". Wow, did I really see that? Yup, sure did! Now the sales donkey needs to figure out how long my interest free financing goes to. The deal they had was for 18 months. So he writes down 12/13/05 after asking me what date it is. Then he says, "ok, so 12 months from that is..." and he writes down 12/13/06. Then he says "oh man, I wish I had a calendar here, ummm, so if that's 12 months, 18 months is, ummm...man, where's the calendar" so I say "June 2007" and he says "hmmm, well, ok, I'll trust you because I honestly don't know." So there we have it. Math = hard, especially when it comes to figuring out how many months are in a year. With any luck I won't have another entry to post about this TV!

Next we have a short bit that I overheard at work today. The conversation went something like this:

Person1: "Hey, when's that baby due, February?"

Pregnant Woman: "Oh, God no, it's only 6 more weeks!"

Pregnant Woman a few minutes later: "yep, 6 weeks from tomorrow. I hope he comes this year though, so I get the tax break, but I think we'll be cutting it close!"

Yep, math = hard.

I'm hoping to have some donkeys on wheels stories for everyone. We're getting hit by a snow storm pretty much every week now but surprisingly enough, the donkeys on wheels so far haven't been too bad. I have witnessed quite a few donkeys trying to "be the deer," that is, putting their brakes on and just staring straight ahead, unable to comprehend what is going on around them, but nothing that has been worthy of a separate entry.

So, until next time, enjoy, and have a happy Donkey Holiday Season!

Morphy

More Donkeys and Wheels

Today's entry brings us 2 stories dealing with donkeys and wheels, and one of them is quite literally that.

The first comes from Manifestite and RGPer Welshman:

http://tinyurl.com/brs3w (telegraph.co.uk)

So, what we have here is a speed trap. In many places, speed traps are automated. If a driver passes a speed trap moving at a rate of speed determined to be illegal, a camera goes off, takes a picture of their license plate, and sends them a ticket.

Here we have a particularly fast-driving donkey that was hit 4 times by the same speed trap in 1 minute 37 seconds. Now, I wasn't aware of it, but I don't believe there were any donkey races scheduled in Brussels last month.

The next article is, quite literally, a donkey story:

http://tinyurl.com/9ehr2 (ananova.com)

This one is amazing, and I wish I could find more details on it. I'm not even sure how many donkeys were in this story. First we have a group of kids who managed to steal a safe from a local hospital. I'm not sure how that is possible, but I'll just assume it happened. Next, they decided to use a donkey-driven cart to make their escape. Finally, we have the police, who were "unable to keep up with the donkey." ?!?!?!?!

I have a feeling that the actual donkey here is the only one that doesn't really deserve this title!

Until next time,

Morphy

Are Those Donkey Tracks?

Thanks to RGPer and inventor of the term Manifestite, GrouchySmurf, for pointing me in the right direction for this story.

With a bit of help from Google, I was able to find this news article:

http://tinyurl.com/ap2yv

So, the donkey stuck his head out in front of a train, heard the horn, pulled his head back, then stuck it out again, just in time for the train to smack him upside the donkey. Normally this would be funny enough and worthy of a donkey entry. But no, we here at the Manifesto like to bring you the cream of the crop in donkey stories (or whatever we can find, whichever comes first). Following this link, we find something truly donkish:

http://tinyurl.com/eyb83

Yes! That's correct Manifestites, this donkey was hit by a train, in the head, just 3 years ago. Now, I'm pretty sure I've seen a train before, but just in case I'm mistaken, I'll trust the journalist and assume that we're talking about the 1/4 mile long steel moving vehicle with a horn that can be heard for miles, and not the ultra sneaky, low flying, melon-acquiring object that some of you might be picturing.

So, I have to ask? How the hell can someone get hit in the head with a train? I'll go one step further. How the hell can the same person get hit in the head with a train twice in their life? There is only one answer. This donkey is a member of the secret cult of the Dawnkeih, who believe they can achieve enlightenment if they are beheaded by a fast moving object that travels on metal tracks. Unfortunately for this donkey, since he fucked up such a trivially easy task, he is banished to the hell of donkey stables, where he will be forced to perform menial tasks for the rest of his miserable donkey life, such as making coffee and asking if patrons would like fries with that.

Morphy

Sorry Donkey, I Can't Hear You!

I'm not necessarily back on the prowl for donkey stories quite yet, but I do have a few things to post, which I'll spread out across the next week or so. First off, I needed to come up with a name for our readers. Obviously calling the readers donkeys would be wrong, since the donkeys are the subjects of the posts, and not the readers of them. RGPer GrouchySmurf suggested using "Manifestites" and thus from this day forward, the loyal readers of the Donkey Manifesto will be known as such.

I've always said that I'll take submissions from Manifestites and post them here. Unfortunately I have 2 that I've let go by the wayside, and a third one that came in today. I'll post them in the order received, mostly so the first two don't feel slighted in any way.

Manifestite and RGPer Pokeraddict brings us this story. As featured on rogerebert.com's answer man section, the link to the information is below:

http://tinyurl.com/9t29k

The article talks about a movie made about the incredible accomplishments of percussionist Evelyn Glennie. I've seen Evelyn perform before, and she's simply amazing. The thing is, Evelyn is deaf. She's an excellent musician as it is, but knowing that she is deaf makes what she is able to do simply amazing.

So why is she featured in a donkey post? Well, she isn't, but the creator of the movie is. Why? Because he felt that making a movie about a deaf person and including subtitles would, and I quote "be hurtful" in the theatrical release. He also says "the visual aspect of the film is as important as the aural."

Ummm, that's all well and good, but don't you think that this film would appeal specifically to deaf people? I know that making a movie about a deaf person and thinking that deaf people might want to see the movie seems far fetched, but come on now! I have to go now. This is the type of donkey who would make a silent movie about a blind man, and if that's the case, I have another blog entry to write!

Until next time,

Morphy

Serious post - 11/13/05

I just wanted to let our readers know that due to a death in the family, I won't be posting here for a bit. Muk may post something when he feels like it, but I'm going to take a break to spend time with my family. Don't worry, the Manifesto isn't going anywhere; I'm just taking a short break.

Morphy

Donkeys and Beer!

As I've said before, I would really rather not turn the blog into a poker blog. Instead, I'd like to keep it a general donkey topics blog. Well, I've also made a semi-conscious effort not to just troll the news sites and write up goofy stories. Every once and a while I'll find something that is amusing, so I'll post it. However, that doesn't stop anyone else out there from sending something in. If you are interested in helping contribute to the blog, send me a link, or a story, or make something up, and I'll post it giving you credit for it. Just email me at xaqmorphy@gmail.com.

Now that I have that out of the way, I couldn't pass this one up. The link to the entire article is here:

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2005-10-29-elfbeer_x.htm

The general story-line is that state officials in Connecticut are trying to ban a particular brand of beer (strangely enough, called "Seriously Bad Elf") because they are afraid that the label might appeal to children.

I'm not sure exactly how to comment on this one. Is our society that screwed up that we have to put effort and tax dollars into preventing a label with an elf firing Christmas ornaments at Santa's sleigh from being sold in liquor stores? Dear dipshit (aka state official): here's a hint, kids are more likely going to be swayed to buy something by some big breasted bimbo than they are a picture of Santa. I mean really, you could put a picture of dog shit on the outside of a beer bottle, and kids are still going to want it. Why? Because it's BEER for fuck's sake, why else do you think?

Actually I know what the problem is. According to the company, they had no problems selling "Bad Elf" beer and "Very Bad Elf" beer. State officials were probably able to turn their heads to this, but when "Seriously Bad Elf" beer shows up on the market, all hell breaks loose.

I normally don't go into social rants like this one, but I couldn't let this one pass. I seriously had a problem coming up with comments on this article, because it has donkey written all over it so many times, it's hard to explain. I'm sure some political nutcase sees this as a serious issue that needs to be addressed, but remember, these are the same halfwits that spent their schoolboy days getting the crap beaten out of them, and now feel the need to push back on society with their laws and bureaucratic bullshit. Ok, rant over, until next time!

Morphy

Donkey Joke: The Donkey and the Well

I don't plan on making this into a joke blog, but this one has the perfect theme. Enjoy!

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, so it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake the dirt off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.

The Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

OK, that's enough of that BS...The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked the shit out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbors' farms and kicked the shit out of them too for helping.

The REAL Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.

Morphy

The Time-Space Con-Donkey-um

Every time I've posted something that originated from a poker game/site, I've said that I don't want to make this a poker blog. However, I'm finding so many things at and around the tables to talk about, I can't avoid it. Remember, we're all about quantity here at the Manifesto, and don't really put a lot of thought into the quality of our work.

So earlier this week, Tuesday, October 11, 2005, to be exact, my wife and I both received letters in the US mail from Empire Poker. They were invites to a $10k freeroll tournament. The thing is, they were invites for a tournament that was held 3 days earlier, on October 8, 2005. However, the email did say that if we had any questions we could email them. So, off went this email:

Dear Empire Poker,

Yesterday, 10/11/05, my wife and I received two letters from you. They were invitations to a $10,000 Special Freeroll Tournament.

The thing is, this event was held on 10/8/05.

I looked in the envelope, but I didn't see a time machine nor did I see instructions on how to build a time machine. My only thoughts were that your quality control team forgot to include the time machine instructions with this letter.

I would very much like to play in the tournament that was held on 10/8/05, as would my wife. Please send me the time machine or at least the instructions on how to build one, so that we can play in this tournament.

Sincerely,

XaQ Morphy

Today I received this reply via email:

Hi XaQ,

With reference to your email, please note that the $10,000 Special Freeroll Tournament which was scheduled for 16:00 EST on 08-October-2005 was cancelled due technical reasons. We wpologize for any inconveneince.

Also, we would like to know what is time machine which you are referring to, so that we can explain on that.

(snip some crap about not giving out my password and thanking me for being their gaming site of choice)

Randy
Poker Customer Care

So, I'm of the opinion that there are times to stop an obvious joke before it gets taken too far. Sometimes what is left unsaid can be more humorous than dragging it out. I apparently didn't feel that way about this, because I shot this email back:

Hi, thanks for the reply. Are you planning on rescheduling the tournament that was supposed to be held on 10/8/05 that I received the invite for on 10/11/05? Perhaps hold it the previous weekend, 10/1/05?

As for the time machine, please see this link for more information:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_machine

A time machine is a device that allows one to travel through time. Have you seen the movie Back to the Future? I'm certainly not expecting anything as fancy as a DeLorean sent to me to make my time machine, especially with the advances in technology that have been made since that movie first appeared.

Please advise.

Sincerely,

XaQ Morphy

Obviously, there has been a breakdown somewhere in the communication process, as this donkey apparently just decided to randomly spout some crap to me:

Dear XaQ,

Thank you for contacting us.

We faced technical difficulties due to which "Saturday $10,000 Special Freeroll ($0/$0) 464348" which was scheduled at 16:00 EST on 08-October-2005 was cancelled.

We would like to inform that we are frequently introducing new tournaments and we assure you that as soon as you are eligible for one of these tournaments, we will send you an email or you can check the pre or post login pop-up.

Do not miss out on what is happening at EmpirePoker.com. For up-to-the-minute information, please check out the News & Events section of our website.

(link to some crap on their web site)

We have various other exciting offers that you can take advantage of while playing at our site. For example, if you refer new players to our site you receive $50 as a referral bonus (after referee fulfills the restrictions). To have complete details (terms and conditions) about this Tell-A-Friend bonus, please visit the following link:

(link to some other crap on their web site)

(snip some crap about not giving out my password and thanking me for being their gaming site of choice)

Anand
Poker Customer Care

See that dead horse? Let's kick it again, shall we?

Hi, I am still curious about the time machine question. I thought it was common knowledge, but, here in the US we travel through the time-space continuum all the time. As I stated in the email that was sent to you next week, I need to have plans to build an empire poker compatible time machine sent to me. Thanks,

XaQ Morphy

Now here's where I am left speechless. The next reply is something that *I* would have written to someone, almost hoping they missed the sarcasm. Unfortunately, I have no way of knowing if this last email is serious or just someone playing along with the joke.

Dear XaQ,

Thank you for contacting us.

In regard to your e-mail, we understand that you wants a compatible time machine for EmpirePoker. However, we would like to inform you that as per our privacy policy and code of conduct we will not be able to create one.

However, if you have any more queries, please do write back to us and we will be glad to assist you further.

(snip some crap about not giving out my password and thanking me for being their gaming site of choice)

Garima
Poker Customer Care

I still don't know what to think when I read that. If Garima is playing along with the joke, then he/she is OK in my book. If not, I weep for all of you who have money on Empire...


Morphy

Once a Donkey, Always a Donkey

Last week was my first week back to work after my surgery. Unfortunately I didn't get to witness any true donkey sightings, but based on the driving, and the fact that the weather is starting to get colder with more rain, I imagine it's just a matter of time until the driving stories start pouring in again. Until then, I'll have to rely on poker to give me material.

Yesterday I was doing something I don't remember, and my wife (FunkyRed) says "you have to see this guy in my room." So I jump on right after she won a big hand. She had 2 pair, bet most of her stack on the river when a 3rd diamond hit, and the guy folded. This chat then occurred:

always87: i had flush low high
always87: flush i had the 5 and 6
always87: opf diamonds
Dealer: always87 has 15 seconds left to act
FunkyRed: flush draw?
always87: no flush
FunkyRed: you folded a flush?
always87: but low high i thought u had higher than 6

Ok, so the obvious question is, what in the world is a "flush low high"??? Now we have donkeys inventing poker terms. That's Donktastic! I told her to ask him wtf a "flush low high" was:

always87: yes i foled a flush
always87: did u have me beat
always87: ?
FunkyRed: yes
FunkyRed: what is low high?
always87: like i had a 6

Ahhh, now that explains it! Errr, ummm, ok. A few hands went by, then our donkey lost most of his chips. If I remember the hand correctly he checked it to the river, then made some sort of stupid bet, and was called with 2nd pair. I knew it was just a matter of time before I couldn't help myself and say anything, so this was a great time to jump in:

always87: how can you make that call
XaQ Morphy (Observer): maybe he had low high?
always87: ?????
always87: ???????
always87: ??????????
XaQ Morphy (Observer): exactly

In the chat that follows, our donkey doesn't even realize that I showed up shortly after his hand with FunkyRed, and he's obviously not smart enough to realize that I was watching her. Instead, he figured I was some observer that just decided to watch a SNG for fun. I then start having fun. I figure even a donkey of this nature will figure out that I'm just messing with him, but, ummm, maybe not:

always87: im not poor, ican can afford a 5 dollar tourney
always87: i don't watch
XaQ Morphy (Observer): wtf are you talking about?
always87: you
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I had low high, sorry
always87: ARE YOU CHEATING??
always87: IM REPORTING YOU!
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I HAD LOW HIGH!
always87: BLAH BLAH
always87: PEASENT
XaQ Morphy (Observer): wtf is a "PEASENT"???
always87: YOU
XaQ Morphy (Observer): that's not a word, sir
always87: WHO ARE YOU
XaQ Morphy (Observer): but then again, since "low high" isn't a poker term, "peasent" might as well be a word

So, while this was going on, I had a game of my own going on, so I missed the "WHO ARE YOU" ummm, statement I guess, since punctuation was apparently to hard for this donkey to use. A few minutes went by, and I was about to fully go back to my game (instead of donking off money while toying with this guy), when he starts in again (and apparently found the question mark key again):

always87: WHERE DID POOR GUY GO
always87: ?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): right here sir, waiting for
more words of wisdom from you
always87: WELL HELLO
always87: WHO THE UFCK ARE YOU
XaQ Morphy (Observer): one of the admins here
always87: NO
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I received a complaint that you were being abusive, so I came here to see if it was true
always87: YEAH OK
always87: I SAID GL ALL
always87: NOW LET ME PLAY
XaQ Morphy (Observer): yeah, see, that's uncalled for
always87: IM INNGNORING YOU
Dealer: always87 has 15 seconds left to act
XaQ Morphy (Observer): english only at the tables please, sir
always87: LALALALA

Right about the same time, two other players are in a hand. One moves in, and another is faced with calling his stack off. This is where our donkey appears to completely lose it:

always87: ALLLLLL IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN
XaQ Morphy (Observer): one person to a hand please
always87: ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIN
always87: 458-6325
XaQ Morphy (Observer): did you forget your medication today sir?
always87: 6589214565555
always87: 5
always87: 5
always87: 5
always87: 5
always87: HE HAS A 5
always87: ALLLLL IIIIIIN

Now, what I wasn't able to include was the timing on this hand. The board had 2 5's on it, and apparently our donkey was sure that one of the players had a 5. However, all of the chat after I said "one person to a hand please" from our donkey was AFTER the hand was over. After that I lost interest, our donkey didn't say much, and lost after calling away his chips on a board he couldn't beat. Poor, poor donkey, I hope they can up his dosage a bit.

Morphy

DonkeyStars Holds Tournament For Donkey Bloggers

Nothing really important to see here...just leeching off of a free tournament that PokerStars is holding. In personal news, I went back to work today and am starting the donkey hunt. Stay tuned.

Morphy

I have registered to play in the
Online Poker Blogger Championship!

This event is powered by PokerStars.

Registration code: 1922868

Donkey Bits

No, it's not a snack; rather, an assortment of different donkey type stories that have come up in the past week.

I first want to wish Muk well in the passing of his, umm, issue there. "It doesn't hurt till the second day, dude."

Next, for some reason I found myself with the movie Shark Attack 3: Megaladon on TV in the background on the sci-fi channel. I was playing poker I think (imagine that), and didn't pay attention to most of it, except 3 of the best edits ever. In an argument scene, the terms "bull dirt!" and "bull riding squat!" were used. The best one though, was when this big ass shark was ramming into this boat, this guy looks freaked out and yells out "oversize shark!"

Next is a nice banking story. We applied for a home equity line of credit against our mortgage. Since we had the mortgage and the credit line at the same bank, we decided to move our checking/savings there as well. Our bank was ok, but didn't have many locations, and charged fees for a few things, such as online banking. So, the deal was, the papers were in, we didn't put anything into our new checking account because we needed to physically go to the old bank to close the accounts, so we opened the account with nothing. We were told we could go online and transfer from the credit line right into checking, and go from there.

I went to their site to set up the online accounts, and had to verify a few things. Checking account number, got it. Social security number, got it. Date and amount of last transaction. Ummm, well, let's see, there was none. So let's try the date we set it up and $0.00. Nope, didn't do it. So figured it was one of those loophole type situations where I call them up, they do something, and everything is set up. Well, no. I call up, and they say that they can't do anything, that I can only set things up is to either enter that information, or enter my check/debit card information and pin number. Well, I don't have those, because they take 7-10 days to mail out.

So off to the bank I head with penny, nickel, dime, quarter, and dollar bill. I walk up to the teller (wife giggling behind me) and say, loudly, "Ready for the most ridiculous question you'll hear today? what is the smallest deposit into a checking account you accept?" Without really batting an eye, the lady said "$1" and I said "ok, $1 it is then, although I'm disappointed cause I have a penny all ready to go!" The next day I enter my account number, SSN, then the previous date and $1.00 as the amount, and sure enough, online banking is all set up and ready to go.

But, I noticed that the equity loan information wasn't there. I tried to add that account number and was told it was an invalid number. So I send them a "secure online message" asking about that account number, and why it didn't appear on the accounts screen. The next day I receive an email telling me I have a "secure online message" waiting for me on the bank's site. I login to the site and sure enough, there's my credit account, all ready to go. Cool, they must have figured it out. I go into my "secure online message" (and I'm not sure why I keep putting that in quotes, but it looks cool that way, so I'm going to continue), and read a very friendly letter telling me that the account number does not exist in their system, and that I should verify that I have the correct number. Ummm, ok, thanks?

And last but not least, a Donkey of Fortune Sighting. There were 3 separate donkey moments, by 2 separate people in this one. The first, player A spins, guesses a letter, asks to buy a vowel, an A, and is told there are no A's, and the buzzer goes off. Player B spins and hits bankrupt right away. Our donkey, Amanda, spins, guesses a letter, then asks to buy a vowel, and asks for A. The whole room goes silent, and even the guy with the buzzer was slow to act on that one.

Next, our donkey, Robin, is up at the puzzle. She asks for a Y, then she buys a vowel, an I, and the puzzle looks like this:

MYSTERIO_S
_R_M_ SERIES
LOST

A few seconds of silence, and she says "I would like to solve the puzzle." Now, remember, not 10 seconds earlier she asks for the letter I, and there are 3 E's up there. Our donkey blurts out "MYSTERIOUS CRIME SERIES LOST!" The whole crowd awwwww's, and our donkey has this confused look on her face as if she didn't get it. Our donkey Amanda, from above, then guesses a G, and gets the bzzzzzzt right away, and without spinning, the eventual champion solves. (DRAMA in case Robin or Amanda are reading this). You can actually hear the collective "oh" from BOTH Robin and Amanda as he says the word DRAMA.

Meanwhile I'm scrambling to hit the record button on my DVR, and am glad that it starts recording at the beginning of the show, as long as you've been watching it the entire time, because I knew there had to be at least one more write up in this episode.

First off, if anyone is unfamiliar with the show, the add up all the cash and prizes you win to your total, and the person with the highest total goes to the final puzzle. So, the winner of every puzzle so far hits almost $10k with the previous puzzle, and as anyone that has watched the show knows, sometimes a $10k lead is hard to overcome. Robin is featured again in this one. They have this deal where on the wheel are 2 $1k slots with a ? by them. One of them is a car, and one of them is a bankrupt, where you lose everything. Robin hits it, guesses a letter, and gets $1k. When asked whether she wanted to risk the $1k on a $13k car, she says "not a chance," spends $250 on buying a vowel, and then goes bankrupt. Needless to say the eventual champion lands on the same one as before, and sure enough, it's the car.

Until next time!

Morphy

NOT a post about Donkeys?!?!

So, I wanted to keep work happenings out of this blog, especially since I really like the new(ish) company that I work for. But when something like this happens, I can't pass it up. This email was sent to all employees. I've taken out any names and company names to at least keep it semi-anonymous.

Attention: All Employees

Due to the growing problem of Canadian Geese using the grounds of [edit] this company as a gathering point, we have hired a company to disperse the birds away from our building. Migratory Bird Management is a licensed control specialist who will utilize highly trained border collies, and a variety of other techniques, to persuade the birds to leave our property without harming the animals. As some of you may recall, last spring when these geese were allowed to establish a nest around people, they became very aggressive. Furthermore, the mess that large numbers of birds leave in our parking lot is unpleasant and could even pose a health hazard, if left unchecked. If you have any questions or concerns regarding this new vendor or their techniques, please contact me.

Thank you,
Facilities Manager

I'm in the wrong business if there are people getting paid to use dogs to chase birds away. This funny big of chat did happen shortly after I told Muk about it. Unfortunately, he was talking about a poker tournament:

[16:35] Mukwrm715: such a shame when perfectly laid plans backfire

[16:36] XaQ Morphy: like when the dogs eat the geese? or are you talking about something else?

Morphy

Donkeys, ATMs, and 3%

For some reason lately my poker playing has slowly migrated from SNG's (1 table tournaments), to cash games. My game of choice is a max $100 buyin, 6 handed game with blinds of 50c and $1. There have been many donkey sightings at these tables, but since I'm trying to NOT make this a poker blog, I've been refraining. Last night I had a very strange/good situation come up, so I decided to write about it. For those of you who are too important to read stories about low level poker, skip this story.

Ok, for both of you still reading this, I had a strange 6 max table last night. On my right was a total rock. Weak/passive, played his big hands strong, and basically was easy to read. 2 seats to my left was the donkey ATM. This guy liked any face card, any 2 suits, umm, any 2 cards, had no concept of position, and thought poker was all about bluffing. He loved to bluff, but did it in a controlled manner, in that he usually only tried one bluff per pot. He also basically told anyone that was paying attention what his cards were based on his bets. And he loved top pair on the flop, regardless of the kicker. There was a good chance this donkey was drunk and just throwing around money for fun. There was also a good chance this donkey was just a donkey. From where I stood, I didn't care.

So, for 3 hours, a pattern followed. Donkey ATM would suck out and bust one of the other 3 players, and the rock and I would alternate taking chips from the Donkey. The Donkey called almost every raise, and made it known that no one was to raise his blinds. He also tried all sorts of crazy bluffs, but would only bluff once. So, if you called him, and he checked to you, a bet on the next street won the pot 99% of the time. If he check-raised, it was an obvious huge hand, and easy to get away from, unless you were one of the other 3 at the table who seemed to come in, go bust in 10 mins, then take off without saying a word (losing bots indeed!).

So I learned a lot of things about observing opponents and all, but had a problem. This Donkey ATM was going to go bust eventually. I didn't want this to happen. I wanted him to keep taking money from the others so I could slowly feed on him. I didn't want my main game to be against the rock. So, I invented a new move. It seemed like he loved calling raises from everyone but the rock, but seemed to understand some rudimentary pot odds. So, if the rock raised, occasionally I would call with nothing on the button. This gave the SB better odds to call, and the BB (ATM) even better odds to call, and any EP limpers even better odds to call. Most of the time neither the rock nor I would win the pot, but it created all sorts of neat scenarios between the Donkey ATM and the other players. There also was a hand where the Donkey ATM called a raise from the rock with K7, Flop K73, and he nearly doubles through the rock's AK.

So this went on for 2 hours. The table chatter was friendly, with little to no chat from the Donkey ATM. The rock and I talked about different hands, players after they left, and I got the chance to tell an up and coming player (ie, someone begging for money) that taco bell would be happy to stake him.

Until...the table fuckwit gets to the table. Within a few hands, fuckwit loses a hand to Donkey, and starts berating him. Immediately, Donkey ATM starts moving in preflop, or betting crazy on the flop. I knew that the ATM was about to go bust. I tried saying a few things to fuckwit, but fuckwit wouldn't have anything of it. He insisted the guy was a moron, and insisted on telling the entire table about it. This was bad. For those of you who think it's a bad thing to play against donkeys, you will be on this blog soon. Do NOT chase the donkeys away, as you can see from the story above, they can be a constant source of money.

So, I decided I had to do something. I either had to bust fuckwit myself, or have someone other than the Donkey ATM bust fuckwit. It was clear to me that if fuckwit and Donkey ATM got in a hand together that, regardless of the winner, Donkey ATM would be leaving the table. This is known as A Bad Thing (tm). Then this hand comes up:

XaQ Morphy: Ks Ah

At this table, I didn't really like playing "big" hands. This may sound counter intuitive, but drawing hands were big on this table, and against the Donkey ATM, I really could (and did) have any 2 cards to take a pot away from him. I thought about flat calling with this hand, but decided that maybe there would be a chance where I could get into a big hand with the Donkey ATM, lose some money to him, and get him to calm down so he could stay for a while.

So I raised to $3.50, and one player and the Donkey ATM called.

Flop (board: 2c Jc Ac)

Ummm, not the flop I wanted. Top pair, top kicker is worth nothing on this flop with this table makeup. So I bet out, $9. I figure I'll either take the pot right there, or one of the other players (hopefully the Donkey ATM) raises me and I can fold to him. But instead, something strange happened. Donkey ATM raised allin, and I read the numbers wrong and thought it was much less to call than it really was. I thought it was only $17 more to call, which would make it a bad move math-wise for me to fold here (at least if anyone is paying attention). Instead, it was $27 more to call, which I didn't realize until after the pot. So, knowing he had to have at least 2 pair here (with J2 being a definite possibility), I called, hoping to give him some money and keep him in the game longer. Instead...

Donkey ATM shows 9c 6c

Hey, he has the flush, and I'm less than 3% to win. I now notice the pot size and how much I put in, and wasn't all that happy about my move to keep the Donkey ATM in the game. That is, until...

River (board: 2c Jc Ac As 2h)

Donkey ATM shows 9c 6c
Donkey ATM has 9c 6c 2c Jc Ac: flush, ace high

XaQ Morphy shows Ks Ah
XaQ Morphy has Ah 2c Ac As 2h: full house, aces full of deuces

As expected, Donkey ATM immediately leaves the table. I certainly didn't mind the $85 pot, but really wanted him to stay around. Unfortunately, fuckwit still didn't get why it was A Good Thing (tm) to have Donkey ATM at the table. So before I left the table, I told fuckwit exactly how much of a fuckwit I thought he was. He still didn't get it, and I doubt he ever will. No doubt he'll show up on the blog in the future.

On a side note, for anyone wondering: recovery is going well, and I'm expected to be cleared to drive and go back to work in a week. I'm getting most of the movement in my head/neck back, and things are progressing well. Until next time!

Morphy

Important - Please Read

I know the Manifesto has become a fairly successful site. I'm surprised at the number of readers that visit the site. I'm sorry I haven't been able to offer as much new material as of late, but with recovering from surgery and all, I'm limited in what I'm exposed to. I do appreciate each and every one of you that take the time out of your days to read this blog.

Unfortunately, due to the overwhelming popularity of the Manifesto, Mukwrm715 and I are finding it difficult to deal with keeping everything running financially. The cost of finding new material, writing it up, and keeping the site up in working order is increasing on a daily basis.

As a result of this, we have to take some fairly drastic measures. I've worked through some numbers, and decided that if we increase our readership fees by 45%, we will be able to meet these financial needs within a matter of months. This increase will go into affect immediately. Whichever billing method you've chosen will be automatically adjusted to reflect this increase, and you will see it on your next bill.

I apologize for those that see this as a shock, but as I said, drastic situations require drastic measures. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I hope you choose to continue to support the Manifesto in the future.

Morphy

Desperate Donkeys Driving Dodges

Well, it's been a while since I've posted. Unfortunately, with my surgery recovery and all, I'm not able to get out as much as I'd like, so I am missing a lot of donkey sightings. Some of the news coverage of hurricane Katrina was surely worth of an entry, but I'm not THAT heartless.

Anyway, as I've said, if people send me information on possible entries, I'll post them and give them full credit. Or maybe I'll steal the credit all for myself. Depends on my mood. This one comes from my buddy Ice in Ohio. I'll post it just as he sent it to me. Enjoy!

========================================

My wife is on her way to work and gives me a call (mainly to make sure my lazy ass is out of bed)...

As she's talking she chuckles and says something about desperate people going too far. She says some heavy black woman has a bumper sticker on the back of her car that says, "Bored? Lonely? Give me a call 614-xxx-xxxx".

We made a couple jokes about it and I asked for the number again. I told her I'd call right back.

I dialed the number, fully expecting to get some religious recording, or a pitch for Avon. Instead, I hear a cheerful "Hallow?" on the other end of the line. I can hear the road noise in the background.

The only thing that pisses me off more than people who don't use their turn signals are people who have recreational conversations while driving and are too busy to use them. I was going to just hang up, but I couldn't resist.

I said, "Is this the lady with the bumper sticker on her car.....?" She replies, "Yes it is!" I can hear the smile on her face...

I screamed, "HANG THE FUCKING PHONE UP AND DRIVE YOU STUPID TWAT!!!" and immediately hung up.

Almost immediately my wife calls and says, "What the hell did you just
do? That lady is weaving all over the road screaming into her phone!"

I started laughing so fucking hard I don't think I got a word out in the three minutes it took for my wife to give up and hang up on me. She
just kept asking, "What? What?!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I'll bet that sticker was peeled off before the old cow bought her ticket and went all-in at the Olde Country Buffet ;-)

Ice

Omaha hi/lo - The Donk Edition

As many people know, I don’t want to keep this blog as a poker-only blog. I’m certainly no poker expert, and there are so many non-poker donkeys out there that there should be material around every corner. This entry, however, is heavy into the poker and the math surrounding poker.

The game here is Omaha hi/lo, known as Omaha/8 or simply O8. Each person gets 4 hole cards and the board is dealt like holdem. In this game, the high hand and the low hand split the pot. The goal of course is to get a hand that can win both the high and low ends of the pot. This is called scooping the pot.

Now, I’m no O8 expert. I typically play small O8 tournaments, or limit games up to $2/$4. The site I was playing on didn’t have any good games available, but they had a $.25/$.50 game going, so I decided to waste some time playing that, and work on my game and hand reading skills in general. Things were uneventful until the following hand came up. I don’t have the greatest hand in the world, but I’m getting feisty, so I decide to play along with it, fully expecting to miss the flop completely and grab the remote to find something better on tv.

FullTiltPoker Game #200028780: Table Bermuda - $0.25/$0.50 - Limit Omaha Hi/Lo - 23:34:13 ET - 2005/08/28
Seat 1: rdwright ($1.90)
Seat 2: bsailor ($3.15)
Seat 3: KssMyBUHHIND ($4.65)
Seat 4: rgpars ($10.95)
Seat 6: rageatm9 ($10.30), is sitting out
Seat 7: XaQ Morphy ($8.05)
Seat 8: Vicki429 ($10.10)
Seat 9: RollStep ($9.75)
RollStep posts the small blind of $0.10
rdwright posts the big blind of $0.25
The button is in seat #8
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to XaQ Morphy [2h Td Ah 8s]
bsailor calls $0.25
KssMyBUHHIND calls $0.25
rgpars calls $0.25
XaQ Morphy calls $0.25
Vicki429 calls $0.25
RollStep raises to $0.50
rdwright folds
bsailor calls $0.25
KssMyBUHHIND calls $0.25
rgpars raises to $0.75
XaQ Morphy raises to $1
Vicki429 folds
RollStep calls $0.50
bsailor calls $0.50
rgpars: action
KssMyBUHHIND folds
rgpars calls $0.25
*** FLOP *** [4s 5h 7h]
RollStep bets $0.25
bsailor calls $0.25
rgpars has 15 seconds left to act
XaQ Morphy: I like putting all my quarters out there
rgpars is sitting out
rgpars has timed out
rgpars folds
XaQ Morphy raises to $0.50
RollStep raises to $0.75
rgpars has returned
bsailor raises to $1
XaQ Morphy calls $0.50
RollStep calls $0.25
*** TURN *** [4s 5h 7h] [Th]
RollStep bets $0.50
bsailor calls $0.50
XaQ Morphy raises to $1
RollStep raises to $1.50
bsailor calls $0.65, and is all in
XaQ Morphy raises to $2
RollStep calls $0.50
*** RIVER *** [4s 5h 7h Th] [3s]
RollStep checks
XaQ Morphy bets $0.50
RollStep calls $0.50
rgpars: omg
*** SHOW DOWN ***
XaQ Morphy shows [2h Td Ah 8s] (a flush, Ace high)
*** SHOW DOWN ***
(5,4,3,2,A)
RollStep shows [8d Jh Qh 6d] (a flush, Queen high)
(8,6,5,4,3)
XaQ Morphy wins the high side pot ($1.35) with a flush, Ace high
XaQ Morphy wins the low side pot ($1.35) with 5,4,3,2,A
bsailor mucks
XaQ Morphy wins the high main pot ($5.50) with a flush, Ace high
XaQ Morphy wins the low main pot ($5.45) with 5,4,3,2,A
bsailor is sitting out
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot $14.15 Main pot $11.45. Side pot $2.70. Rake $0.50
Board: [4s 5h 7h Th 3s]
Seat 1: rdwright (big blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 2: bsailor mucked [Ks 9h 2d 3h] - HI: a flush, Ten high; LO: 7,5,4,3,2
Seat 3: KssMyBUHHIND folded before the Flop
Seat 4: rgpars folded on the Flop
Seat 6: rageatm9 is sitting out
Seat 7: XaQ Morphy showed [2h Td Ah 8s] and won ($13.65) with HI: a flush, Ace high; LO: 5,4,3,2,A
Seat 8: Vicki429 (button) folded before the Flop
Seat 9: RollStep (small blind) showed [8d Jh Qh 6d] and lost with HI: a flush, Queen high; LO: 8,6,5,4,3

Basically, I flopped the nut low hand, and on the turn I hit the nut flush. Unless the board pairs on the river (which it didn’t), I’m guaranteed the high half of the pot, and unless someone else has A2 in their hand, I get the low side of the pot too. The chat that follows is priceless:

XaQ Morphy: scoooooooooooooooooooop
RollStep: f-ing bs
XaQ Morphy: lol
RollStep: u got lucky
RollStep: nice hand
XaQ Morphy: lololol
XaQ Morphy: you played QJ86?
XaQ Morphy: and I got lucky?
RollStep: i flopped a straight and a flush draw
XaQ Morphy: that's hilarious
RollStep: doubled suited
XaQ Morphy: lol
RollStep: omg... ok poker god
RollStep: sit here and play quarter 50
RollStep: and pretend ur some pro
RollStep: youre ridiculous
XaQ Morphy: hey, I didn't say that was bs
XaQ Morphy: and I never said I was some pro
XaQ Morphy: just that I took all your lunch money

An ongoing joke in the poker world is when donkeys uses the excuse “it was suited” when explaining why they played a particular hand. Since you get 4 cards in Omaha, a hand that is “double suited” is much more desirable. However, QJ86 is a terrible hand in Omaha (I won’t go into reasons why in this post, just trust me on this), double suited or not. So the chat continues:

RollStep: nQJ86
RollStep: like its not a good hand
RollStep: double suited
RollStep: family pot
RollStep: go back to reading ur books
RollStep: ur A2810 is crap compaired to my cards
RollStep: not even single suited
RollStep: and u think its better than mine in a family pot
RollStep: go run the numbers on it doyle brunson
XaQ Morphy: if it's not single suited, how did I get a flush?
RollStep: see whose odds are better
RollStep: i meant double
XaQ Morphy: you do realize that no hand in omaha is more than a 60/40 favorite preflop right?
XaQ Morphy: and that playing a non-nut flush is suicide in omaha?
RollStep: youre a moron
RollStep: playing a non flush is suicide
RollStep: non nut

My comments here are true. Omaha is a much different game than holdem. Because of the 4 hole cards and the combinations possible for each hand, no hand is more than about a 60/40 favorite over another hand pre-flop. Also, Omaha is known as the “game of the nuts.” Playing a non-nut hand (flush, straight, etc.) at a full table is begging to have your chips taken away from you. Notice that the donkey now starts in with the name-calling. This is typical from people that don’t know what they are talking about, yet refuse to listen to reason, aka, your typical donkey.

So, I went to a popular poker odds internet site, www.twodimes.net and ran the hands through to figure out the odds. Not surprisingly, MY hand was the one that came out to be a 60/40 favorite pre-flop. Note that twodimes.net is a very accurate, and very popular site used by poker players around the world.

XaQ Morphy: http://twodimes.net/h/?z=1185354
XaQ Morphy: and look there
RollStep: yeah, some dumb internet site
XaQ Morphy: my hand was a 60/40 favorite over yours preflop there sparky
RollStep: real official
XaQ Morphy: lol
RollStep: hey idiot
RollStep: heads up maybe
RollStep: but we werent heads up
RollStep: why dont u rin the numbers individual on a 8 hand basis

Ok, so our donkey here tries to make a point. The problem is, hands in poker typically diminish in value against multiple opponents. For example, AA is the best starting hand in holdem, and is a huge favorite (at least 80%) over any other single hand. However, put AA up against 5 other hands, and it is less than 50% to win. I don’t know the exact numbers for our donkey friend here, but if I ran his hand against 8 others, I imagine his would be close to last in possible in percentage.

XaQ Morphy: why? to show how much worse your hand is?
RollStep: dumba.zzz trying to be smart
RollStep: yeah, run the numbers see how they stack
XaQ Morphy: dude, there's the proof...read it, or stfu
XaQ Morphy: I'll tell you what
RollStep: dude, aces heads up is 80/20 to almost any hand
RollStep: run it against 8 people
XaQ Morphy: hahaha
RollStep: and its less than 30%
RollStep: u moron
XaQ Morphy: this isn't holdem there sparky
RollStep: did u know everyones cards before the
RollStep: i dont think so
RollStep: Im proving a point u idiot
RollStep: ur a moron XaQ
RollStep: and when u smarten up we can talk
XaQ Morphy: the point is you played a hand that had zero chance at a nut low, and very little chance at a nut high
RollStep: but till then keep living in your fantasy land of wrongly calculated poker odds
XaQ Morphy: lol
XaQ Morphy: where do you suggest I calculate them then, if the most widely used odds site on the internet isn't good enough?
RollStep: zero chance at a nut low
RollStep: ur and idiot
RollStep: i had zero chance
RollStep: with my two low cards
XaQ Morphy: do you understand what a nut low is?

I received no reply to this. Our donkey decides that's either too hard of a question for him, or he sneezed and one of his braincells fell under his desk, so he's trying to find it. Donkeys will continue to be donkeys, and even when the facts are shown to them, they still can’t avoid being donkeys.

Sorry for the heavy poker content in this one; I’ll try to get something more general next time.

Morphy

Would You Like Fries With That?

Thanks to Welshman on RGP for pointing this one out to me. The only question here is who is truly the bigger donk? Article shamelessly reprinted without permission from the Chicago Sun-Times' web site:

$56,000 robbery at bank drive-thru
July 13, 2005

Even bank robbers appreciate a drive-through window.

Police say a man drove up to a LaSalle bank at 3301 N. Ashland about 8 a.m. Tuesday and slid a note demanding money to the teller through a tube at the window.

The teller complied, shooting back about $56,000, Belmont District police said. The robber sped off in a blue, older-model minivan, they said.

"No weapon was displayed or implied," said Chicago FBI spokeswoman Cynthia Yates. "He never left his vehicle."

It was the first of two bank robberies Tuesday morning that netted a combined total of at least $86,000, police said.

I'm seriously considering trying this the next time I'm out, only I'll use my powers to see how many free cheeseburgers I can get.

Morphy

Donk Donks Himself in Bookstore

Well, it's been an interesting few weeks. As many of you know, last Wednesday I went in for neck surgery to have a disk removed and a vertebrae fusion. Fortunately, other than what I may have said under the anesthetics, there are no donk stories to go along with the surgery. I'm home recovering and I'll be here for another week or so.

During that time there were a few donkey sightings worthy of notice. Last week's local 10pm news contained three. In no particular order:

1) A man robs a convenience store in Utah. This happens every few seconds. But, after he took the money, he comes back for a pack of cigarettes. Of course he's caught on camera both times, but unfortunately the reporter didn't go into any more details. At least he had his priorities straight!

2) Apparently there's a fairly severe Iguana problem in a residential area in Florida. Huh?

3) This one is the best of the three. Our local energy company accidentally printed a wrong 800 number in a flyer that went out to 4000 people. What was the number they printed? Ooooh, baby, I'll let you figure that one out for yourself, big guy.

Alone, those don't really seem like extreme acts or cases of donk. That's where this story comes in. This is re-printed, without permission from the web site of a local network affiliate. I won't comment on it, because I think it speaks for itself:

Bad Behavior At Local Bookstore
(Wauwatosa) -- Go into any bookstore, chances are you'll see people reading, talking, or sipping on coffee but not this. Wauwatosa Police arrested a 15-year-old boy for masturbating in the middle of the Barnes & Noble at Mayfair Mall. A customer spotted the boy and saw him watching two young girls while in the act back in July. Security chased the boy out of the store and cops caught up with him in the bathroom of a business across the street from the mall. The boy's excuse? "[We] asked him what had occurred at the mall. He indicated --quote -- 'my thing fell out'" says Wauwatosa Police Captain Jeff Sutter. It turns out the teen had been reported missing from St. Charles Detention Group Home just before this incident occurred. Now, the home won't take him back. The boy was arrested for lewd behavior.

Until next time,
Morphy

Quick Score: Donkeys 0, Moving Vehicles 29348203948230482034

I could name this post Donkeys on Wheels #4, but eventually we'll be at #2349887234 and it will be hard to keep track of which donkey is which.

So I'm driving home on a Friday night after work. It's been a crazy week all-around, and I'm looking forward to getting home and relaxing. I'm driving on the same street from DOW #1 which is a boulevard type street (2 lanes per side, separated by a median). It's rush hour, so there are quite a few cars on the road, and with stop lights every few blocks, traffic backs up fairly often. One of the main causes of traffic backups are donkeys who run red lights.

So, I'm driving in the left lane, doing maybe 34mph in a 30mph zone. There are cars in front, next to, and behind me. Up ahead, the light changes from green to yellow. I put my brakes on to stop my car at the light that will be red by the time I reach it. As expected, a donkey in the right lane floors it, doing about 45mph as he runs the red light. It’s amazing that donkey didn’t cause an accident, since he entered the intersection at least a full second AFTER the light changed red.

While this is happening I look in my rear view mirror at the donkey in the Jeep Cherokee who has to slam on her brakes to keep from hitting me. She then throws her hands up and shakes her head. I put my arms up in a "WTF, are you serious?" type of gesture. This donkey, in the ultimate donkey move, makes a bunch of hand gestures pointing at the right lane and forward towards the other donkey who is now 2 blocks away stopped at another red light.

A stupid person in her position might be thinking something like "you idiot, that guy made it through the light, why couldn't you have gone, so that I could have run the red light even farther behind you. I could have gotten home 27 seconds earlier if it wasn't for you!" But no, remember, this is a donkey. Donkeys make stupid people look brilliant. I'm 100% that what was going through this donkeys mind (other than her air conditioning) was something more like "uhhhhhh, ghhhhrrlllll, duhhhhhhh, ummmmmm, gaaaaahhhhh ."

I'm pretty sure what we need to do is sacrifice one of our own by having him jump off of a cliff. Then, one by one, all of the donkeys in the world will follow, because if he did it, they should be able to as well.

Morphy

Donkeys on Wheels 3: The Quest for Darwinism

Most of the donkeys out there are minor irritations. Some of them are fairly irritating, but very just downright piss you off.

Enter our featured donkey, the RGP Donkey of the Minute as well as a certain future member of the Darwin Awards hall of fame (www.darwinawards.com). This jackass is not only a truly idiotic member of the donkey community, he has a very good chance at killing someone. Here's his first post.

From: James Yeager
Subject: What is the best way to play online poker while driving?

I can connect to the web through my sprint phone, now I either need to project the screen on the winshield or send the computer screen to one of those televison eyeglasses, or . . . any ideas or suggestions . . . this may sound
silly but I am dead serious.

Blink blink. What? Ok, so maybe he's a troll. They are fairly common, and lately this donkey has been shopping his new blog for the past few weeks. Or maybe he isn't. A few people replied with the obvious "you're a moron, you're going to kill yourself" type replies. He then chimed in with this one:

Other have done this, Erik Lindgren says that he plays while driving from LA to Vegas! Obviously this would work better on the highway w/ cruise control.

Ummm, yeah, or maybe even better, with someone else driving you half-wit! A few people tried to tell him that Erik most likely wasn't driving, but he wouldn't have any of it:

You miss the point, it's not because E.L. has done it, it is because I wish to do it. The fact that he has means it is possible. Thanks for the creative ideas to solve my delima.

Many people zone off when driving, and are pretty much on autopilot. Somhow the brain seems to do ok, and snap out of it during an emergency. My point is not to argue the safety of playing poker while driving, but to figure out the best
safest way to do it. Also often I'll read cardplayer magazing while driving, I think this is the lessor of 2 evils.

Holy christ, this guy is out on the roads reading magazines! Now he wants to now try playing online poker while driving, while he clearly can't even figure out the English language. I sure hope he lives far away from me, and I feel for the first family he kills while trying this.

A few people (a few of whom are well-respected members of the RGP and the poker community) pointed out that he's sure to kill someone, to which he replied with the following posts:

Man, there are no facts to support your argument. It could be that people who drive and play poker are actually safer than other motorist. Like I said, show me a link between playing poker while driving and accidents, property damage, fatalities or any other negative secondary effect outside of my opponets losing money.

===========================================

not knowing you guys personally i'd say you are both in your 50's and a little to conservative for todays style of poker. Do you play tournaments and have your results been poorer the last 1 1/2 or so?

Yeah, I'd say alot of "crazier" things have been done. Obviously it wouldn't be prudent to play poker while driving in most instances, however on the open hightway, on a road trip, done with a degree of caution, you aren't going to hurt anyone.

Guys, loosen up a bit, in life, as well as poker, you'll find it rewarding.

===========================================

I gotta tell you that I was supriesed the here on RGP, most poeple were so ultra tight. prone to flying off the handle over this one.

Posts like the last one lead me to believe this is very possibly a troll, but then again, the 5th grade grammar and spelling skills have me wondering. Still, he seems passionate enough about being a complete donkey that he deserves an entry.

Morphy

The Ultimate Donkey Challenge

I debated for a while about posting this one. Then I talked with Muk for a while and we were deadlocked on whether or not this really qualified as a donkey moment. So I sat down and started to think about what the Donkey Manifesto is all about. And I thought some more. Finally I was unable to come up with anything, so I figured quantity is better than quality, so a post it shall be! I do warn you that this post is on the borderline for what is considered donk material, since one of the donkeys in this post is a well-respected and very popular poker professional. But hey, I never said anyone was immune from a post!

I watched an episode of the Ultimate Poker Challenge last night on my DVR (Donkey Video Recorder). It's not the greatest poker show on television, but it's certainly not the worst. Daniel Negreanu was one of the commentators (along with Chad Brown), and a few players were there that I like, so I decided to at least have it on in the background while I donked off some money on various sites.

In the beginning introductions, a player clearly called and "labeled" as Dan Hart was introduced as the short stack. Almost right away he got into a big hand against Max Haticoli. However, his name on the on-screen graphics was clearly "Don." I figured OK, someone made a mistake, and didn't think anything of it, even though Negreanu called him "Dan" and Chad Brown called him "Don."

A number of hands went by, and all seemed normal. Then it happened. It was one of those TV moments that has you staring at the screen saying "ummm, what?" I'll try and lay this out as easy as I can here.

Max moves in pre-flop with Q6o. Jim "Minneapolis" Meehan re-raises with 99, obviously trying to shut out the rest of the field to get heads up with Max. Dan Hart on the short stack calls with AKo. So far, nothing is out of the ordinary. Then the graphic came up:

"Don" AK
Jim 99
Max Q6

During the entire hand, Negreanu was calling out "Dan" this and "Dan" that. Then the flop comes up, which is clearly Q76, and the announcers and Max go nuts. Negreanu is yelling "it's a Queen, it's a Queen!" and Max is running around the room, no doubt trying to get away from the hideous sun glasses wrapped around his head.

Here's where it gets funny. Negreanu announces that "Dan" needs any A or K, and Jim needs "any of the 2 9's." So I look at it again, and pause it. For those of you not too swift with poker, Max flopped 2 pair, Q's and 6's, and "Dan" now needs to catch 2 running cards to win. If he catches a single A or K on the turn, he only has a single pair, and is behind Max's two pair. Yet Negreanu says clearly the wrong thing, twice.

The turn is dealt, and it's a 4. Now "Dan" is drawing dead, yet Negreanu clearly says that he can hit an A or a K, and Chad Brown states that he has 6 outs left to try and win. The river is a 2 and that's that.

I would give the announcers the benefit of the doubt here, but hey, let's face it, that's not what we're all about. We're about donkey moments, regardless of who they happen to and who is involved!

Morphy

Donked on Phonics - 1-800-ABCDONKEY

RGP Donkey of the Minute - 7/18/05

There's no need for me to really explain this one. Here's another conspiracy theorist who is convinced that PokerStars is rigged. In between his many posts people tried to convince him otherwise, and tried to him logically. Those people almost deserve a blog entry themselves. I'll just post his messages without commentary, because, as you can see, it's not needed.

Don't worry about trying to make any sense of what this guy is saying. I couldn't figure it out either...

Had pokerstars download my result when "all in". I have the seventeen pages which i will fax to nayone.
results:
when the favorite i won 51.5%..no very good as the favorite
when not the favorite I won 27.6%..about right
So if u cannot when when the favorite but only 51% of the time..you are a sucker
to play on there site..YOU CANNOT MAKE MONEY WITH THOSE ODDS.
I have challenged them to go any poker table, bring the money they wish to bet,
take my hands and my opponets hands out of the deck,,shuffle, flop, turn, and
river..if I lose 49% of those hands they winn the bet, otherwise I do..they
refused..gee i wonder why??
Yesterday in one (1) torunament on their site, i went all in preflop with QQ,JJ
and 10-10, lost all three to a lesser pair,,three (3) two outers in one
game,,please the odds on each hand losing are 8.8%,,what are they to lose all
three..ASTRNOMICAL!!!
Play there if you wish, but I beleive all these site are geared to keep the
worst players happy, and keep the money coming in.
I love the game of poker and do not want to see it get a bad rep..if these %
continue then the worst players will think they are good and can win..they will
get into a legit tournament at a casino. lose time after time, and wonder why
this is happening.
I agre luck has somehting to do with all your hands, and yes the other day at my
casino here in Albuquerque, I finished third in our big evert..why..casue my AA
went down to a 4-5 offsuit,,it happens, I understand, but not at the frequency
at pokerstars...if it did, I would not have made the top three.
By the way the week before, I took second, and have made the final table many
times. not saying I am a pro, but do play the game fairly well.
Have a good day
=========================================

Too bad u know nothing of %, U MUST WORK FOR THEM.
How can you say that??
10,506 hands i played..wake up and present some facts.
=========================================

There is no flaw, accroding to their record:
I have played
10,506 hands
all in with the best hand: 345
times won: 182
win% of: 52.4%
all in with 2nd best hand: 274
times won: 73
win%: 27%

Now i may not Chris furgeson nor David Slansky, on figuring odd, but if u think
you can win constantly, think thats enough hands, withthose %. Then go for it.

In closing, have you ever heard the tow words " Identity theft" #1 crime in
America, well computer are to blame. Anyone can make a computer do anything it
wants..if they can track my hands, and download thme to me, then they can tell
how you play, and if u are a terrible player, then they can give u a little
help..so they can keep you around.
Not me. this sucker has thrown away the hook.
Remembr, computers are capable of anything!!!
=========================================

I will answer that with this, #1 crime in America is Ideneity theft, according
to the FTC 78% is done thru computers, Lexis nexis, Bank of America, AOL, etc.
Computer can do anything the programming wants it to do..agree.
Now, if they can track and dowload my 10506 hands..hmm they have some serious
hard drives.
So do i beleive they fix any game anytime, you bet, I beleive they can decide
who is going to win everyhand, every tournament before it starts.
Just some food for thought.
I love the game and don't want to see it get a bad rep, not now that it has
become so big.
And I don't want people to get screwed.
10,506 hands
354 all in with best hand..win% 52%
274 all in with 2nd best hand..win % 27%
sorry those % do notadd up to anyone who know anything about poker, percentages,
and odds.
HAve a good day
=========================================

Not going to give u much of a reply, because those have to resort to names
calling, show very little intelligence. since they cannot articulate. themselves

However, if you would like to take the bet I made with pokerstars on my 354 all
in hands, and can win on real table, against the same cards...then say so. But
bring lots of cash!!
=========================================

You may wish to read my reply to ..jluce..then u will know why..bitter loser, no
not at all. althought I hate losing..don't U??
Look at me reply, if u want to take the bt pokerstar turned down, I am game.
Take care


So there it is. There's so much I could comment on here, but I think I'll just let the posts speak for themselves. At least he seems polite...

Morphy

Donkeys on Wheels

I could write up a Donkey blog entry every day based on the driving I go through during my daily commute. Donkeys in general are confused by a number of things, including, but not limited to turn signals (blinkers), stop lights, stop signs, lane changes, merging, speed limits, and of course the dreaded 4 way stop sign intersection. The 4 way stop is an interesting, confusing beast. You can literally see smoke pour out of the ears of some of the donkeys that try to tackle them.

So, a single case of, say, a donkey not waiting their turn and basically going right behind a motorcycle through a 4 way stop, wouldn't be anything special. Even if they then beep at me and point to the motorcycle as if to say "hey, that's not a car, it must be my turn." Just an example, of course.

Today's entry was special though. A common donkey driving move is to drive in the parking lane to pass cars. A typical larger street would have 2 lanes plus a parking lane on each side, separated by a median. Now, there's a reason why the lanes are called parking lanes. I'll get to this in a bit. As I said, these particular donkeys love passing people in the parking lanes. A lot of them will do it right in the middle of an intersection.

So here's the setup: I'm in the left lane driving about 35mph in a 30mph zone. In the right lane is a Jeep sitting about a car length behind me and doing about the same speed. There really aren't any cars behind us, and there are stop lights that aren't timed very well about 4-5 blocks apart. Well, no cars behind us except the donkey in the parking lane who flies up doing about 55mph. I'm in the left lane, and with my neck problems I really can't look behind me too well, but I was able to see that there was, get this, a PARKED TRUCK in the PARKING LANE.

The donkey saw it, but based on the extremely short amount of the time between the tire screeching sound, and the car smashing sound, he obviously didn't see it soon enough.

Imagine that. Something parked in a parking lane. I wonder what donkey did that?!?

Morphy

Pokerus Donkus - The Poker Donkey

Sometimes while playing online poker you run into this mysterious creature, Pokerus Donkus, or The Poker Donkey in our common language. The average frequency of encounter is unknown, but if I'd wager a guess I'd say you'll run into one of these odd beings about every 20 seconds. Saying that The Poker Donkey is an idiot is an insult to idiots everywhere who strive to work hard for their status. This species of donkey has the ability to make the normal poker player stare at his screen in disbelief.

A documented encounter with Pokerus Donkus is captured below, starting with the first hand of a SNG on FullTilt Poker:

Dealer: You have been dealt [Td Kd]
Dealer: sighound calls 30
Dealer: XaQ Morphy calls 30
Dealer: Colorado Dave checks

Dealer: The flop is [Kc 2s Tc]
Dealer: Colorado Dave checks
Dealer: sighound bets 30
Dealer: XaQ Morphy raises to 90
Dealer: Colorado Dave folds
Dealer: sighound calls 60

So, it's the first hand and I don't want to go crazy. I've flopped 2 pair, but it's an unraised pot and there's a possible flush draw. So I go easy and raise a little bit to try and get a feel for where I am. There's 105 in the pot before the flop.

Dealer: The turn is [3d]
Dealer: sighound bets 30
Dealer: XaQ Morphy raises to 200
Dealer: sighound calls 170

Ahh, we have the "here's a quarter, please go away" bet. Now I'm pretty sure he's on a flush draw, so I want to raise enough so that it's incorrect for him to call, knowing that he will probably call anyway. Now there is 685 in the pot.

Dealer: The river is [2c]
Dealer: sighound bets 90
XaQ Morphy: ?
Dealer: XaQ Morphy calls 90

When I typed in "?" it was more like "WTF???" I'm 99% certain that he made his flush here, but he bet 90 into a pot of 685. It's now worth it for me to call with any 2 cards, just to see what he has.

Dealer: sighound shows [4s 3s] two pair, Threes and Twos
Dealer: XaQ Morphy shows [Td Kd] two pair, Kings and Tens
Dealer: XaQ Morphy wins the pot (865) with two pair, Kings and Tens

sighound: ?
XaQ Morphy: blink blink
sighound: Knew you had a K Youy announced
that early
sighound: I was hopin to trip
XaQ Morphy: nice read
sighound: ty

I sit there staring at my screen in disbelief. I somehow blurt out "nice read" and am stupified here. Now, a lot of times you'll see a different species of donkey, the Wannabepropokerplayerus Donkus, berate a player like this and/or make fun of them. This is not good. I like to encourage Pokerus Donkus to make as many plays like this as possible. Meanwhile, hand 2 is underway:

Dealer: pokrpro2b raises to 60
Dealer: sighound calls 60

Dealer: The flop is [Qh Jd 3s]
Dealer: pokrpro2b checks
Dealer: sighound checks

Dealer: The turn is [7h]
Dealer: pokrpro2b bets 165
Dealer: sighound calls 165

Dealer: The river is [Tc]
Dealer: pokrpro2b bets 495
Dealer: sighound calls 495

Dealer: pokrpro2b shows [As Ah] a pair of Aces
Dealer: sighound mucks [Kc 7d]
Dealer: pokrpro2b wins the pot (1,485) with a pair of Aces

The play alone seems to indicate a possible double donkey sighting. So many people get burned when they slow play AA it isn't even funny, but this guy got Pokerus Donkus to pay him off. The chat confirms that we may very well be dealing with two off this fascinating species:

sighound: lol
sighound: didnt see that
pokrpro2b: ty
XaQ Morphy: yeah I thought for sure 4th pair was
good there too
sighound: But it figures dope slow plays AA
pokrpro2b: who u calln dope chump
sighound: a nerd that does that w/ a art draw on
board
sighound: strt
sighound: draw
pokrpro2b: i was scared
pokrpro2b: but i din t put u on a draw
sighound: i know cause you shouldnt do that

Fast forward to this hand, which I got a kick out of. The blinds are now 25/50, and our original Pokerus Donkus is the first to act:

Dealer: sighound raises to 100
Dealer: pokrpro2b calls 75
Dealer: canglem calls 50

Dealer: The flop is [7h 9c 8s]
Dealer: pokrpro2b checks
Dealer: canglem checks
Dealer: sighound bets 100
Dealer: pokrpro2b calls 100
Dealer: canglem folds

Dealer: The turn is [4h]
Dealer: pokrpro2b checks
Dealer: sighound bets 500
Dealer: pokrpro2b folds
Dealer: Uncalled bet of 500 returned to sighound
Dealer: sighound shows [5c 6h] (a straight, Nine high)
Dealer: sighound wins the pot (500)

Here Fishy: nh
sighound: ty
pokrpro2b: i put u on a draw
sighound: was kinda nervous raising but I like the
low connectors

Oh my. Our friend seems to be on a roll here. But wait...

Dealer: Here Fishy raises to 200
Dealer: sighound calls 200

Dealer: The flop is [Qc Ac Td]
Dealer: sighound bets 50
Dealer: Here Fishy raises to 300
Dealer: sighound raises to 770, and is all in
Dealer: Here Fishy has 15 seconds left to act
Dealer: Here Fishy calls 470

Dealer: sighound shows [Jc 9s]
Dealer: Here Fishy shows [9h 9d]

Dealer: The turn is [As]
Dealer: The river is [6c]
Dealer: sighound shows a pair of Aces
Dealer: Here Fishy shows two pair, Aces and Nines
Dealer: Here Fishy wins the pot (2,065) with two pair, Aces and Nines
Dealer: sighound is sitting out
Dealer: sighound stands up

XaQ Morphy: wow, that guy lost?

Yes, the Pokerus Donkus is a fascinating creature. Here's hoping that you have at least one specimen on your buddy lists.

Morphy

Surf's up, Donkey!

Last night I saw a blurb on the local news that said someone in I believe Virginia died from a "dangerous pasttime" known as "car surfing." The teen (imagine that) fell off of the top of the car and was killed.

So I did a google search on "car surfing" to see if this was an isolated incident or if there is some secret underground society of donkeys who think standing on top of a moving car is a good thing. 6380 hits. Oh my.

I guess the only thing I can say to that is Darwin is sure busy these days.

Morphy

RGP Donkey of the Minute - 7/12/05

One of the most controversial topics frequently brought up by the donkey population is the question of "is online poker rigged?" Most of the time some donkey loses all his money and couldn't possibly have played poorly, so he needs to blame something. Blaming your opponent is always something easy to do, but real donkeys like to blame the online poker site. Yes, all online sites rig their games so that donkeys lose their money. That's just the way it is.

So if I posted a blog entry every time a rigged conspiracy post showed up on RGP, I wouldn't have time for any other donkey sightings. I usually avoid the posts and write the particular donkey off as a loser who simply doesn't understand that it's possible to lose with a big hand, and that online sites do not rig their software. Today, however, I saw a post that deserved special attention. Poster "rgposter" (original, huh?) deserves the Donkey of the Minute award for this post:

Subject: you can prove that online poker is rigged

Just go to PartyPoker or PokerStars and keep statistics. You will notice that of the times you get all in preflop with a bigger pair (ie KK vs JJ, 77 vs 55, AA vs 22, etc) that the smaller pair will win a LOT more than could be accounted for by probability. Why? They are stealing money from the better players and handing it to the worse players in order to keep as many players in action for as long as possible and thereby maximize their rake. Shills will post and claim that it's ludicrous to say online poker is rigged. Realize that they have their own agenda. The fact is, it's rigged and it has been proven. Keep stats and you can prove it yourself. Just keep track of the times you get it all in preflop heads up vs a smaller pair or even two unpaired undercards. Then after a few hundred thousand hands compare the percentage of times that you get beat with the percentage you would expect if it weren't rigged. You will see that it is in fact rigged. It is still possible to win long-term but I doubt it would be possible to win long-term without taking the fact it is rigged into acount.

Oh boy, where do I start here? There are so many idiotic things in this post it's hard to single out any specific one. However, the reason this deserves a blog entry is for this sentence:

They are stealing money from the better players and handing it to the worse players in order to keep as many players in action for as long as possible and thereby maximize their rake.

This statement is so ridiculous it's almost hard to explain. In the world of poker, there's really only one way to rate players: money won/lost. Common sense says that in the long run, those who win money are good players, and those who lose aren't. So according to the above statement, the site is punishing the good players by making them lose. Think about this long enough and I'm pretty sure you can alter the space/time continuum.

My next favorite sentence is this one:

It is still possible to win long-term but I doubt it would be possible to win long-term without taking the fact it is rigged into acount.

Just what in the hell does that mean?

As I said, there are so many issues with this post it's hard to summarize them. One of the biggest issues I have is why this particular donkey felt the need to post this? Unless he was specifically going out of his way to try and make this blog, I don't understand what he thought he would achieve with this post. Ahh, the life of the donkey. It really is a fascinating and amazing thing.

Morphy

A Donkey Saved is a Penny Earned

Sometimes you have to search for material when doing something like this. Don't get me wrong, there are enough donkeys in this world for plenty of material, but sometimes it's more fun to create a situation that just screams "put me in your blog!"

Last night I discovered something incredible. UltimateBet allows someone to bring in as little as 5BB worth of chips into a NL cash room. Armed with this valuable, newfound information, I entered a high stakes .01/.02 table with $.10.

First hand? Allin of course, but I lost. So, I bought back in for another dime, went allin with 92s and promptly tripled up. The very next hand I get Qc6h and move in for $.35. Three people call. The flop comes up 3d Kh Jh and they check. The turn is the Ah, someone goes allin for $.52 and the other two fold. The river is the 4h and I beat A8o with my 6h for the flush. Now we're in business!

I end up moving in here and there, and going up and down in money, but never down below about $.34. One of the better hands I called allin with 63o, flopped a double gutted straight draw, and hit it on the river in a 4 way pot. I then found that people would actually fold at a penny table. It might have had something to do with me moving allin for $2 every other hand, but who knows. I actually slowed down a bit until thenutlow joined the table. He posted the BB for .02, and the following played out:

XaQ Morphy is dealt: 4h Jd
XaQ Morphy raises to $1.
justinvennix re-raises to $1.98.
XaQ Morphy says "sorry in advance for the suckout".
XaQ Morphy goes all-in for $1.83.
River (board: Tc 3c 9s 8d Qd):
justinvennix shows Kc Kd.
justinvennix has Kc Kd Tc 9s Qd: a pair of kings.
XaQ Morphy shows 4h Jd.
XaQ Morphy has Jd Tc 9s 8d Qd: straight, queen high.

Sometimes you can't plan stuff this good. Now, note what happens next. "justinvennix" says nothing, but our Donkey shows his ears:

christogolfer says "haa haa haa u won on a crap draw ididot".
XaQ Morphy says "draw?".
XaQ Morphy says "J4 is the nuts".
XaQ Morphy says "what's an ididot?".
christogolfer says "j4 nuts on fith dip ****".
XaQ Morphy says "fith?".

Sometimes it's too easy. Our poor Donkey doesn't realize what he's up against.

christogolfer says "pocket kings had u till river".
XaQ Morphy says "J4 was in the lead the whole time".
XaQ Morphy says "I had a feeling".

I've always wanted to say this. This is the phrase of choice by Donkeys everywhere when they call their stack away with 22 and flop quads. Meanwhile our featured Donkey has decided that he's found his mark, and is going to get involved in as many pots with me as possible. This is where I start making it look like I'm a complete maniac yet I'm paying very close attention to what he's doing. He's a typical know-it-all Donkey, playing big cards and pretending to know what he's talking about by reading a few books. Like most know-it-all Donkeys, this guy just can't let it go.

christogolfer says "u really need to check hand history for two hands ago u are behind the whole hand".
christogolfer says "u drew out on the river".
XaQ Morphy says "J4 does not "draw out" it simply wins".
christogolfer says "you had to hit your river card for the strait dip sh it".
XaQ Morphy says "strait?".
christogolfer says "george".

Right about now I'm about 100% he's making the blog. So, I let him know this:

XaQ Morphy says "you're gonna be famous now".
christogolfer says "lol nice shirt". (ed. note: wtf?!?!?!)
christogolfer says "u really do suck".
christogolfer says "lol".
christogolfer says "gl though".
XaQ Morphy says "ty".
XaQ Morphy says "feel free to join any table I play at".
christogolfer says "welcome".
christogolfer says "would love to the way you call".
christogolfer says "lol".

Oh boy. He's totally clueless. Does he honestly think I am here to play serious for pennies? So I elaborate a little. Note that while I have played a few dozen $50 SNG's, my comfort level is in the $20-$30 SNG level. I have the bankroll to comfortably play $50 SNG's, but I don't feel my play is there quite yet. I've also been focusing on larger tourneys instead of SNG's lately. That said:

XaQ Morphy says "so chris, what table do you want to play at?".
XaQ Morphy says "$50 SNG?".
christogolfer says "dont have it or would".
christogolfer says "u suck i would kill you".
XaQ Morphy says "so let me ask you a question".
XaQ Morphy says "if I usually play $50 SNG's, why do you think I'm playing a penny table?".
christogolfer says "lost?".
christogolfer says "lol".
XaQ Morphy says "no".
XaQ Morphy says "so chris...I'm still waiting for an answer".

Unfortunately our Donkey just didn't get it. Meanwhile the play has been getting boring. I'm formulating ideas on how to write the blog entry up, so I'm not playing many hands. A hand comes up where another Donkey calls a huge bet with a flush draw, then moves allin for a huge overbet as soon as the draw hits. We fold, and our featured Donkey has this to say:

christogolfer says "punked usout lol".
XaQ Morphy says "english only at the tables please".
christogolfer says "lol".
christogolfer says "punked us put lol".
christogolfer says "out".

Poor Donkey. Next hand I bet with nothing into a board of 7KK and get raised, I say "ahh, there's the K and fold" and of course the person in the hand felt obligated to show AK. Donkey jumps all over that:

christogolfer says "nice bluff, moron".
XaQ Morphy says "ty chris".

This hand is purely here for RGP's and Arlo's sake:

XaQ Morphy is dealt: 6h 4c
XaQ Morphy goes all-in for $3.18.
pokerose says "should I ??".
XaQ Morphy says "yes".
pokerose says "na".
pokerose folds.
XaQ Morphy opts to show 6h 4c.
pokerose says "good bluff but it it reached".
XaQ Morphy says "that wasn't a bluff".
christogolfer says "semi bluff then".
XaQ Morphy says "yes, semi bluff".
XaQ Morphy says "I was on a full house draw".
christogolfer says "key word, "draw"".

Poor, poor Donkey. Not much happened after that. Donkey made a comment about taking my "roll" and I said it could take weeks since they only allow a max $2 buyin at the penny tables. Then I realized that the fun was over, I gave the rest of the money I made away, bid the Donkey goodnight, and left. I did have some parting words as I tried to give my money away:

XaQ Morphy says "ok next hand you can get a chance to take it".
christogolfer says "i come for it now lol".
XaQ Morphy goes all-in for $2.94.
christogolfer says "umm or not".
XaQ Morphy says "awww".
christogolfer says "ummm ok".
XaQ Morphy says "I lost my 20 cents".

So, sometimes the Donkeys come to you, sometimes you need to find the Donkeys. What's great is that it usually only costs a few pennies.

Morphy

Dollars for Donkeys

Most people who read RGP or have been on an online poker site have run into beggars. They are pathetic beings who usually have some elaborate story set up for how they can't deposit to a site, and are only asking for a small stake. The real pathetic ones ask for $1. Their usual lines are "I'll pay you $5 on Tuesday" or some other ridiculous promise. They always "promise" to repay you whenever they deposit next, or when they win their next big game. Some scammers like to promise paying back more than they borrow, as if to entice their mark into giving their money away.

The bottom line is these people are degenerates, and will lose any money they receive within a few minutes and be back begging for more. Some of them actually get lucky and win a few bucks (search the RGP archives for "stevedapimp" for an example), but most of them are completely useless. Also, forget ever seeing any money given to these low lives.

Tonight I ran into a particularly donkish beggar. "She" posted a typical RGP post, asking for "a few bucks" so she could enter a $1 tournament. I replied, offering her whatever I had left in my PokerStars account. (note that I never did believe "she" was a she, but since she insisted on it, I'll call her her and she throughout this entry).

The second I logged on after I came home she IM'd me. I was in the middle of discovering a dead power supply on my desktop machine, so I didn't get to answer her right away:

[17:15] gottcrabbs: hello there
[17:16] gottcrabbs: well my name is tammy
[17:18] gottcrabbs: hello
[17:18] gottcrabbs: you replyed to my post on rgp hope you was serious
[17:18] gottcrabbs: well gl at the tables
[17:23] gottcrabbs: hiya
[17:23] XaQ Morphy: hi, just had a power supply die, so give me a few minutes
[17:24] gottcrabbs: oh sorry
[17:24] gottcrabbs: anyway my name is tammy
[17:24] XaQ Morphy: I don't have much on stars, but I'll give you what I have
[17:25] gottcrabbs: ok thx Im making a deposit this friday so even if I dont run it up Ill send it back to ya
[17:25] gottcrabbs: but hopefully I will
[17:25] gottcrabbs: my player id is gotcrabbs?
[17:26] XaQ Morphy: ok cool
[17:26] gottcrabbs: read your blog

Hey! The Manifesto is famous! Even scamming beggars (or is that begging scammers?) read it!

[17:28] *** gottcrabbs is trying to send you "me me.jpg".
[17:28] gottcrabbs: thats me lol

Huh? "She" sends me a picture of "herself." It's a very small picture, looks like it was taken from a webcam, and shows what is most likely some 16 year old's kid's sister. Meanwhile I'm mostly ignoring her while looking for a power supply online.

[17:32] gottcrabbs: you here
[17:33] gottcrabbs: I know I know Im ugly lol
[17:37] gottcrabbs: you here
[17:37] gottcrabbs: sorry you must be busy
[17:38] gottcrabbs: did you get my pic
[17:39] XaQ Morphy: yeah I got it, sorry, I'm a bit busy
[17:39] XaQ Morphy: transferring now
[17:39] XaQ Morphy: ok I submitted it, like I said, it was all I had in my account
[17:40] gottcrabbs: ok thx

Meanwhile, I received this email from PokerStars. I didn't lie, I never win at the site, so I don't play with very much when I do play there. I tend to deposit small once or twice every 6 months or so, and basically screw around on the site without doing well or playing very seriously. I usually finally give up and donk the rest of it off in a cash room of some sorts, and when I bust out I'm left with just a few cents on the site. The email:

Hello XaQ Morphy,

We have transferred $0.03 from your account to 'gotcrabbs?' as per your request. Good luck to you both.

Regards,
PokerStars Cashier

hehe, sometimes I crack myself up. I almost felt guilty for this. Almost.

[17:47] gottcrabbs: haha your funny
[17:47] gottcrabbs: you sent me 3 cents
[17:48] gottcrabbs: geeez
[17:48] XaQ Morphy: I told you I would send what I had in my account
[17:49] gottcrabbs: I just thought you had at least a buck or 2
[17:49] XaQ Morphy: not on stars
[17:49] gottcrabbs: oh
[17:49] gottcrabbs: what site you play on
[17:50] XaQ Morphy: UB and FullTilt
[17:50] gottcrabbs: oh Im livefishy on fulltilt
[17:53] XaQ Morphy: I'm the same on all sites
[17:53] gottcrabbs: can you spare a few bucks on fulltilt
[17:58] gottcrabbs: guess not sorry
[18:01] gottcrabbs: if you can send me something on fulltilt Ill get it back to ya by the end of this week

So, the scammer needs to find a new site to scam money on. Sorry. I ignored her for a while, then sent this:

[18:09] XaQ Morphy: ok so you're really a guy right? A kid with no money and no way to deposit who is scamming people out of money to play online poker. Am I close?
[18:14] gottcrabbs: why would you say that'
[18:14] gottcrabbs: no Im a lady
[18:14] gottcrabbs: I only deposit once a week
[18:14] XaQ Morphy: on every site?
[18:15] gottcrabbs: no not on every site I only play on full tilt and stars thats it
[18:15] XaQ Morphy: how old are you?
[18:15] gottcrabbs: 28 why
[18:15] gottcrabbs: how old are you
[18:15] XaQ Morphy: older than that
[18:16] gottcrabbs: oh ok sorry
[18:17] gottcrabbs: well gl at the tables

Ahh, the scammer decides there's no money to be had here, so "she" decides to leave. Shortly after this IM chat, she posts a good 5 new threads to RGP asking for money. She was very rude to anyone that tried to call her out as a scammer. She even sparked one fairly amusing thread, where an RGPer pretended to beg for money so that he could give it to her.

So, I thought the night was over, and it actually seemed as if this wasn't a very good blog entry, until a few of us decided to invite her to an IM chat room. This made this a must add entry:

[20:23] XaQ Morphy: mukwrm was concerned about your situation tammy
[20:23] Mukwrm715: what did i do?
[20:24] XaQ Morphy: you said you wanted to help out
[20:24] thenutlow: gottcrabbs. I have a wayfor you to make $5
[20:24] gottcrabbs: uh huh
[20:24] Mukwrm715: ohhh
[20:24] thenutlow: write on your stomach "i love the donkey manifesto" and then send the pic to XaQ..
[20:25] gottcrabbs: omg
[20:25] thenutlow: and then $5 will be issued upon reciept
[20:25] gottcrabbs: you guys are crazy
[20:25] thenutlow: hey its $5 for less then 2 mins work
[20:25] thenutlow: thats more then you would get if the employers at burger king took kindly to you
[20:25] gottcrabbs: uh huh
[20:25] gottcrabbs: lol
[20:26] *** gottcrabbs has left the chat.

And there we have it. Stuff like this just writes itself.

Morphy