Thursday, October 13, 2005

The Time-Space Con-Donkey-um

Every time I've posted something that originated from a poker game/site, I've said that I don't want to make this a poker blog. However, I'm finding so many things at and around the tables to talk about, I can't avoid it. Remember, we're all about quantity here at the Manifesto, and don't really put a lot of thought into the quality of our work.

So earlier this week, Tuesday, October 11, 2005, to be exact, my wife and I both received letters in the US mail from Empire Poker. They were invites to a $10k freeroll tournament. The thing is, they were invites for a tournament that was held 3 days earlier, on October 8, 2005. However, the email did say that if we had any questions we could email them. So, off went this email:

Dear Empire Poker,

Yesterday, 10/11/05, my wife and I received two letters from you. They were invitations to a $10,000 Special Freeroll Tournament.

The thing is, this event was held on 10/8/05.

I looked in the envelope, but I didn't see a time machine nor did I see instructions on how to build a time machine. My only thoughts were that your quality control team forgot to include the time machine instructions with this letter.

I would very much like to play in the tournament that was held on 10/8/05, as would my wife. Please send me the time machine or at least the instructions on how to build one, so that we can play in this tournament.


XaQ Morphy

Today I received this reply via email:

Hi XaQ,

With reference to your email, please note that the $10,000 Special Freeroll Tournament which was scheduled for 16:00 EST on 08-October-2005 was cancelled due technical reasons. We wpologize for any inconveneince.

Also, we would like to know what is time machine which you are referring to, so that we can explain on that.

(snip some crap about not giving out my password and thanking me for being their gaming site of choice)

Poker Customer Care

So, I'm of the opinion that there are times to stop an obvious joke before it gets taken too far. Sometimes what is left unsaid can be more humorous than dragging it out. I apparently didn't feel that way about this, because I shot this email back:

Hi, thanks for the reply. Are you planning on rescheduling the tournament that was supposed to be held on 10/8/05 that I received the invite for on 10/11/05? Perhaps hold it the previous weekend, 10/1/05?

As for the time machine, please see this link for more information:

A time machine is a device that allows one to travel through time. Have you seen the movie Back to the Future? I'm certainly not expecting anything as fancy as a DeLorean sent to me to make my time machine, especially with the advances in technology that have been made since that movie first appeared.

Please advise.


XaQ Morphy

Obviously, there has been a breakdown somewhere in the communication process, as this donkey apparently just decided to randomly spout some crap to me:

Dear XaQ,

Thank you for contacting us.

We faced technical difficulties due to which "Saturday $10,000 Special Freeroll ($0/$0) 464348" which was scheduled at 16:00 EST on 08-October-2005 was cancelled.

We would like to inform that we are frequently introducing new tournaments and we assure you that as soon as you are eligible for one of these tournaments, we will send you an email or you can check the pre or post login pop-up.

Do not miss out on what is happening at For up-to-the-minute information, please check out the News & Events section of our website.

(link to some crap on their web site)

We have various other exciting offers that you can take advantage of while playing at our site. For example, if you refer new players to our site you receive $50 as a referral bonus (after referee fulfills the restrictions). To have complete details (terms and conditions) about this Tell-A-Friend bonus, please visit the following link:

(link to some other crap on their web site)

(snip some crap about not giving out my password and thanking me for being their gaming site of choice)

Poker Customer Care

See that dead horse? Let's kick it again, shall we?

Hi, I am still curious about the time machine question. I thought it was common knowledge, but, here in the US we travel through the time-space continuum all the time. As I stated in the email that was sent to you next week, I need to have plans to build an empire poker compatible time machine sent to me. Thanks,

XaQ Morphy

Now here's where I am left speechless. The next reply is something that *I* would have written to someone, almost hoping they missed the sarcasm. Unfortunately, I have no way of knowing if this last email is serious or just someone playing along with the joke.

Dear XaQ,

Thank you for contacting us.

In regard to your e-mail, we understand that you wants a compatible time machine for EmpirePoker. However, we would like to inform you that as per our privacy policy and code of conduct we will not be able to create one.

However, if you have any more queries, please do write back to us and we will be glad to assist you further.

(snip some crap about not giving out my password and thanking me for being their gaming site of choice)

Poker Customer Care

I still don't know what to think when I read that. If Garima is playing along with the joke, then he/she is OK in my book. If not, I weep for all of you who have money on Empire...



Yes I Really Am This Weird said...

I enjoy your intelligent humor! Enjoyable read, and I agree that it truley is amazing how many "donkeys" there are in the world.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious, I think the last guy is toying with you, but I'm not sure. And WTF is up with that first comment?

(FYI, and you probably already know, but the "technical problem" was that Oct. 8 was when Party booted the skins from their network, and all of them were down for a few hours. I tried to play in the tournament (without the benefit of a time machine, having received the invitation about a month before you) but could not log in.)


Anonymous said...

This must be from the third episode of the 'Donk Wars' trilogy (with apologies to George Lucas):

Donk Wars - where we are introduced to Luke Skydonker,

The Return of the Donki - where, in the epic battle between Donk Vader and Luke Skydonker, we first hear the immortal words, "Luke, I am your donkey",

and finally, the soon-to-be-famous 'Empire Donks Back'

Tommy S. said...

OMG. That looks like it should have been written in some twisted version (if such a thing can exist) of "The Hitchhikers Guide to The Galaxy".

Those two first replies certainly look like they are written by someone totally ignorant who haven't bothered to read AND understand your letter to them. As to the last replay... as you say; He is either a cool customer or dangerously stupid.

Keep up the good work. It makes for an excellent read! :-)

"MissT74" said...

Garima has GOT to be fucking with you.

Well Played, Sir.

I l'dmao though.


Ray said...

Just a quick note that it was fun playing against you in the Blogger event. You were a good guy who knew how to have fun while playing.

Solver said...


Very entertaining.

from an rgp lurker.