Illegal Border Donking

Hello Manifestites! What can I say, 2009 has been a pretty crappy year. My last post was in January, almost a year ago. I had a few things lined up for blog posts and then weird things started happening. I quit poker again for about the 15th time. Our wonderful economy took an ugly turn and the company that hired me on in December did mass layoffs and one day in February I was brought into a room with 60 others and told I no longer had a job. I was out of work for 3 months with the very real possibility of having to play poker for a living, and it disgusted me. Of all the possible professions that I’m qualified for (or not, depends on which side of the joke I’m on), poker is about the last on my list for things I’d like to do. The thought of spending day in and day out grinding against a bunch of retards that are only playing poker because they can’t function in society enough to leave their parents’ basements just makes me ill. Thankfully the poker gods were kind to me and did not let me pursue my lifelong nightmare of having to push buttons on a computer for a living. Instead, I work in IT. Err, wait a minute…

I took a job in May that required over 100 miles of driving each day and although I had a lot of time on the road, I honestly did not run into a single episode of Donkeys on Wheels, despite the long drive and somewhat crazy construction along the way. It’s almost like the collective idiot is working together to make the world a better place. Or something. Fortunately for me things look to be turning around, new job coming up next month much closer to home, poker is somewhat enjoyable lately, and the holidays are coming up.

Anyway, enough about me. A friend of mine had what can only be described as an incredible experience (and unfortunately for him, almost none of it good) earlier this year, and he shared the story with some friends. I read it and immediately thought of you, my faithful readers, who have been checking this site day in and day out just waiting for that next blog entry. I got his permission to edit the story to take out names and specific places, and I have it here for you in all its glory.

As a precursor to this, I’ll say that my friend, who we’ll call, umm, Mr. Q, has had some interesting experiences in his life of less than 30 years. Several years ago he got into a situation where he met a girl here in the US (he lives in Europe somewhere), moved here and married her thinking he could become a legal citizen that way. Well, things don’t work that way for non-Mexicans, so once the US Govt. got a hold of him they deported him and banned him from entry to the US for several years. A while after that he met another girl from the US and one can only surmise that at some point about oh, 9 months or so prior to his story begins, she visited him and a partaking of the secret love dance of the Dawnkeigh took place.

While I did edit the story to take out names and places, I left in the typing/grammar as is. Mr. Q’s native language is not English, so it would have been nice of me to help him out, but I’m not that helpful really, and I think the way its written actually helps portray the story from his point of view. That said, here it is, in all its glory. Enjoy!



“My fiancée is expecting my child very soon, and because of some medical problems and the already very tiring task of taking care of her first child (not mine) she told me that she would like having me around to help. So because of the custody agreement not allowing her to leave the state she was pretty much stuck in her state, I would have to come to her. Her situation would have allowed her to be able to support me financially if there was no other way, and the whole online poker thing means i wouldn't really need a work permit. So that leads to a plan of me just walking across the border from canada,
because frankly there is no secure border there.

The story begins in the end of may, when i cash out some money to pay for a ticket to canada. The flight was in early june, buying the ticket was easy. From there the plan was that my fiancée would come to the airport, grab my luggage, give me a compass and a flashlight, drive to the border with me, spend the night in a motel, and pick me up on the american side to drive to her place. That much for the Theory of it, in practice it all happened slightly different. It started one day before i left home with me sending her some more money for gas and stuff and for having a couple hundred lying around that i didn't want to carry with me. So then we have failure number 1, moneygram failed to do the only thing they do, when she tried to pick up the money she was told it wasn't there. That issue luckily was fixed with just about one hour of talking to some chick at the moneygram place who could not be bothered to even check the receipts they obviously keep before the hour long talk. As soon as she actually did check them the whole issue was fixed within 5 minutes....so there goes a total of about 5 hours for fixing that issue.... didn't need sleep anyway. now it's 10pm on the night before the flight, and i barely have enough time to disassemble my computer to take it with me, make some food, and finish packing before i need to get to the airport. 2 stop flight to my destination was really not bad at all. except for having a 7 hour flight after no sleep for 30 hours and the guy next to you can just not sit still for two minutes. Oh well who needs sleep anyway.

1st airport in canada
After getting off the plane, there obviously was the passport check, then going through immigration. no problems so far for some reason....but wait, then they want to check my luggage. so because of some strange items in my luggage they don't really believe my story, which was just a short vacation in canada.... strange items in my luggage ingclude the computer and some poker books. They send me back to immigration for a more in depth discussion with them. No matter, the connecting flight doesn't leave for 3 hours so why would i mind sitting down and having a long talk with someone. Eventually i changed my story somewhat, telling her that i was going to meet my fiancée who was going to have my child soon.... she still looked very sceptical, told me that she probably shouldn't let me go, but would anyway. Then she said that i would be banned from canada if i didn't manage to leave the country by the date of my return flight, and that there would be a warrent for my arrest. Neato off to airport 2.

2nd airport in canada
Getting out of the plane i obviously looked for my fiancée, didn't see her. turned on my cell phone, called her and heard it ring one time before the battery went dead. No problem, i can just go somewhere, sit down and wait. Eventually i got paged and was told that she would be about 2 hours late. Still not a problem. About 5 hours after my flight landed i was slightly worried.... so I spend a fortune on a coin phone calling her. She had to tell me that the canadian immigration wouldn't let her into the country. Great, stuck in the airport with not enough money to get a motel room and not enough money to get to the border.
I decided to get a cab into town with the little money i did have and got majorly ripped off. I went to subway for some food and ended up paying way too much for the worst sub i've ever eaten. So far canada is going great....

Eventually subway closes and i decide to have a seat in the parking lot behind it to try and think of what to do. Interestingly enough there was a bar right next door which seemed to be the only thing still open at the time. A couple of guys around my age were playing football in the parking lot and kinda stumbled over me, made me come in. We had quite a long conversation about where i've come from, why, what happened, etc. Eventually they decide to look up phone numbers/locations for homeless shelters and the like and bus companies that i might be able to call in the morning for a reasonably cheap ride somewhere near the border. I end up making the reasonably retarded decision to just go hitchhike to the border right then. One of the guys gives me C$40 that i tried but failed to refuse. I get them to call a cab for me and i tell him to take me as far south on the high way as i have money for (saving the $40, though). So then i'm standing somewhere on the highway at 2am with 80 pounds of luggage.

I decide to get rid of some of the stuff that i won't need anymore, stuff that can just be bought again if needed, like the poker books I had bought with fpps from stars. heavy stuff, big stuff.... and i feel bad for leaving it at the side of the road, but i didn't feel like i had too much of a choice. I certainly couldn't walk with that much luggage, and getting someone to stop, pick me up, and get that much luggage in the car would probably be difficult as well. So the suitcase is now somewhere at the side of the highway, it has an address tag on it in case you find it and want to send it back ;) . I only have to wait about 3 hours before i get picked up for probably not more than 10 miles. Not 5 minutes go by after getting dropped off before the Canadian police pulls over to ask me what i'm doing and where i'm going.

Here we have the difference between canadian and police in my country. The officer who talked to me told me that he had a call out, but if i don't get a ride before he comes by again he will give me a ride to the nearest town himself. In my country the officer would tell you to get off the damn highway because it's not a damn sidewalk.

I actually manage to get a ride from there within 10 minutes, taking me to the same town that the cop would have taken me. He dropped me off at a 7Eleven. I got myself a dr pepper and went on. Unfortunately i had to wait about 2 hours before someone picked me up again. Very nice guy he was, though, he gave me something to drink, some chips, some mini donuts.... he didn't take me all that far unfortunately, probably around 10 miles. From this point on I'm on the road that leads directly to the little border town that i want to go to. Unfortunately there isn't much trafic besides heavy trucks that have the order not to pick up anyone. I end up walking farther than the next guy takes me, and from there i walk another hour or so before the last guy picks me up and drives me for 80 miles or so.

Small Border Town
I don't actually see any houses except for a gas station/motel/restaurant that's on the road to the border crossing. A very nice girl, looking a bit younger than me, is working behind the counter. I ask her how much i would have to pay for a room and she says $39. Clearly i hit the jackpot considering i have $40 in my pocket....unfortunately you silly Canadians and Americans just can't be bothered to include taxes in your prices.... very annoying. After we cleared that up, she tells me that there's a motel in another town that has rooms for $25. She even asks someone if they could give me a ride over there, it just would be a while. A few minutes later she offers to buy me dinner. I would like to say i tried to refuse.... but i was so hungry.... she was serious too, and the food was quite good. Very small restaurant but they made a pretty good burger that i ordered (along with fries) because it was pretty much the cheapest thing on the menu. About an hour after that she asks me if i would rather stay there or go to the other town. I tell her that i would rather stay there and she ends up covering the difference between the 40 bucks i had and the 43.25 or so the room would have been out of her tip jar, then she ends up giving me a $5 phone card on top of all that. I'm enourmously grateful, but she never even gave me her name....Amazing how nice those canadians are.... i would definitely go back any time. Sure beats the hell out of my country. I have to wait about half an hour while they get the room ready for me, and from there i just end up going inside, getting in bed and falling asleep almost immediately for about 12 hours.

I guess you could take everything above as the prologue, now it gets interesting. i get up around 3am, use the phone card to call my fiancée to let her know i'll be starting to walk now, put the phone card back into the room, so that maybe someone else will profit from the genorosity of that girl without her having to pay for another phone card. And off i go to the forest, or what i thought was forest anyway. I walk along the road to the west about 2 miles before going south towards the USA. So far so good, sunrise should be reasonably soon after i cross the border (the border town is about 4 miles from the US border), shouldn't be a problem to just walk south for a while, right ?

Eventually, after my very limited sense for what time it is it should have been akound 7am (i didn't have a watch since my cellphone always took that job) i decide i should be heading southeastish so i don't miss the meeting point. But it's not much of a problem if i don't actually get to the meeting point, it is under 20 miles from the border, so I could just get there, get to some gas station and ask if i can make a phone call.... shouldn't be a problem at all. Most of the walk i didn't really think that i was deviating from the straight line that i was trying to walk. However, it was a pretty cloudy day and in the woods i couldn't see the sun for most of the day. Sometime in the afternoon i was suspecting that i hadn't been going south for a while. At this point i really only wanted to get out of the woods tho, since i had my doubts of getting out of there alive. I still had my bag with another 40 pounds of mostly clothes with me, which caused me to take very frequent breaks after never walking very far. So unfortunately the bag had to stay while i tried to get out of the damn woods. Another thing that made my life very difficult at this point was that the so called woods were mostly swamp. A few times during the journey i felt like i was surrounded by very deep water on all 4 sides and for long hours the path i chose to walk consisted of roots of the trees that i had to step on to stay dry. Dry is said too much, my pants and shoes were soaked pretty much from the very start. The journey through the woods was very interesting, i saw a buck, way too close for my taste, a bear, also way too close for my taste, but they both seemed to be afraid of me. To make the long story short(er), ever since the afternoon i just tried to get out of the woods, maybe somewhere that would tell me where the hell i was. I was certain i was on US side and i thought i was reasonably close to roseau. Eventually i heard big trucks in the distance and decided to just follow the sounds to the road. It took a long time to find said road, it was well after dark when i got there. I decided to follow the road to what i thought was south.

Now here comes the zinger of the whole story. After walking on that road for about 20 minutes i came back to the exact spot i started at. Neato. Now unfortunately i didn't have money, i didn't have that damn phone card, i hadn't had anything to eat or drink in about 35 hours and it was getting very cold. The gas station was open all night, but no one was attending it. Still there was a truck pulling in and i actually begged the driver for some food or drink, but he said he had nothing. I decided that i couldn't just sleep in near freezing temperatures and so i just started walking to the south again. This time, though, i was smarter, or bolder, at first anyway. I walked on the road until i got pretty close to the border crossing, that was closed at night. Only stepped back into the swamp/forest about half a mile away. Obviously i ended up getting lost again..... genius i am. So now i know that my sense of direction in the swamp is totally nonexistant, there's no sun, no moon, no idea where i'm going. I end up trying to sleep some, in wet clothes, near freezing temperatures, but from all the walking and dehydration i felt pretty hot. Still i ended up waking up shaking all over, freezing horribly. No way to get back to sleep. So i end up just standing there waiting for sunrise. Eventually i see the tips of the trees having some sunlight on them and i think i know where i need to go. I get back near the road, and keep walking in the forest about 150 yards from the road, almost never taking my eyes off of it. At some point in the morning i ended up walking about 100 yards before taking a break, more often than not a short nap, because i was too exhausted and hungry to keep going. I had told my fiancée on the phone that if i wasn't there by the previous night i would very likely not make it. Now I'm assuming that i need to get to the meeting point very quickly so i could maybe call her before she's back home 700 miles away, plus at this point i'm so hungry that i don't think i could go much longer. New plan, just walk on the damn road. That actually worked pretty good. I was able to go about 10 times the distance before needing a break. So there i am sleeping on the shoulder of the road when the border patrol pulls up.....I tell him that i'm a US Citizen of course, unfortunately i left my ID at home.... but somehow he doesn't believe me. He puts handcuffs on me, and searches my backpack, so then he finds my passport.

The border patrol apparently has a very lengthy booking process, or they don't do it very often.... took them about 5 hours to finish the whole paperwork. They tell me that they will be searching my hard drives and my cell phone (i still have neither of em back). They tell me that I can request to see an immigration judge that may let me stay in the country, so i could see my daughter be born. (unfortunately i found out when i saw the judge that there was 0 chance of that happening). They tell me that if i request to see the judge it would be about 7 days that i would have to spend in jail.

Eventually they take me to the local county jail and tell me that I would be moved in a couple of days, most likely monday. I ended up getting moved to a larger city jail in another state on tuesday. where i was told it would be a couple of days before i see the judge. It was a pretty nice jail. We only got locked down between 10pm and 6am, there was a day room that 8 cells were attached to. We spent most of the time in said day room. They had a nice poker game going, no blinds, ante 1, going to 2 soon as someone got knocked out, then 3, etc. buyin 1 rahmen noodle. over the whole time i was there i stayed pretty much even. after 7 days i got moved again (4 days after they told me i would have seen the judge), now to another county jail. There i was told that i would be seeing the judge after 10 days. I kinda didn't believe those guys since i figured that it had already been too long so it should be a day or 2 at most.... wrong again. 2 weeks after i got moved to that county jail they took me to the court. immigration court is arguably the worst thing you can go to. There were 15 locals that day. we all got put into one cell. A short time later there were transports from 3 other jails all throwing people into that one cell. One toilet, no privacy, and you get to stay there from about 8am until about 5pm.

Alright, finally seeing the judge, they told me there just is no way I would get to see my fiancée unless i got someone to pay the bond (initially set at $15,000). So at the hearing i asked the judge to reduce the bond, and he set it at $7,500. Unfortunately still way more than me or my fiancée would be able to come up with. So at this point i knew i wouldn't see her and i wouldn't get to see my daughter being born. And i knew that i had just wasted 24 days trying to see the judge when I coulda just told the border patrol that they should just deport me. Now, court was at the end of june, I was told that deportation to my country was pretty quick, i would leave within 2 weeks, probably sooner. The rest of the time in jail i was always thinking i would get deported tomorrow.... disappointed day after day. Finally 4 days later they got me out of bed at 5am, telling me that i'd get deported (they don't tell you until that morning....). unfortunately they took me to immigration court and from there i was taken to yet another county jail. I definitely could have done without that experience..... after 2 months in jail i was strip searched the first time. The food was the worst I have ever eaten and after getting moved to a different cell after dinner i was in a cell that was so cold that i couldn't sleep at all. No matter, Immigration was actually honest and i got woken up for breakfast at 4:25am where i was told that i'd be getting deported after breakfast.

I was given back my clothes (still smelling like the thing from the swamp) and after getting dressed (and letting me sit there for over an hour) they took me back to immigration court where i was given my backpack and everything else that the border patrol took from me, except for my cell phone and hard drives. Then they took me to the airport (state in the midwest US) and 2 people escorted me, handcuffed (glad they took the shackles off my feet at the court), to the gate. They actually took off the handcuffs then. They were nice people. From there i was escorted to an airport in the southwest of the US where we had nice mexican food for lunch at the airport, 4 hour overlay. Had some decent conversations, those people get around a lot, have a lot of stories to tell. Until bording started for the flight to my country they had me under the impression that they would be coming along, but they just got me on the plane and watched so i didn't get back off. Delta airlines unfortunately had very shitty service on that flight and computer problems with the entertainment system (redhat, was rebooting over and over, showing all the normal boot up messages of a linux system). They actually fixed that about 2 hours into the flight.

Back home
Back in my home country there actually were 2 cops waiting for me when i got off the plane. They checked the paperwork, checked if there were any crimes on my record and all kinds of stuff. Eventually they let me go. Now I'm in my country but 400 miles from home, no money in my pocket.... The police suggested that i go visit the church services inside the airport who may be able to help me. They let me call my brother, who amazingly enough was at home, and even more amazingly was able to get me a train ticket home. He picked me up at the train station, drove me to the house where I thought i lived, and started a long conversation. He said that my family didn't actually want me to ever get inside that house again.

Now that very last paragraph requires about this much text again to explain. The short version being that they made some very unreasonable requests about me doing maintanence on this property (owned by my family), which was one of the reasons i had for leaving.... and i didn't tell my family that i was planning to leave.... they weren't happy. The situation is not resolved but right now i have a place to stay.”


So there it is. Completely true, verified, etc. Poker books still unclaimed as far as we know, so if you happen to be walking along the highway next to a swamp, keep a lookout for a suitcase full of books.

A few of you have asked what the future was for the Manifesto. I’m unsure myself. I have been gathering stuff up, and I spent some time organizing The List into a spreadsheet where I can sort/filter out based on subject, which potentially makes writing up blog entries easier. I also have been saving up some rather amusing table chat. I’d say right now I have enough material for 4 more entries which should cover me through 2010 or so. Ok just kidding, I’m hoping to have installment #2 of The List within the next month. Until then, enjoy!

Yours Donkily,
Morphy

Happy Year of the Donk!

Hello Manifestites and Happy New Year! Yes here we are in 2009, which is known in some distant civilizations as the Year of the Donk. If we aren't all wiped off the face of the earth by some global-warming-triggered event, kill each other over table scraps due to the recession/depression, or are smashed into oblivion by a comet or asteroid, we should have a pretty good year ahead of us. In fact, the Year of the Donk may just turn out to be just that. Pull up a chair and see if you agree based on three tales of donk induced donkocity:

Garbage Pickers - I never understood why so many people seem to be driving around all day long just to pick up someone else's garbage. I'm not talking about your every day rummage sales and getting rid of unwanted crap for a quarter. I'm talking about actual garbage that is put into an actual garbage collection location for the purpose of disposal. As some of you know, we were greeted by a nice 3 inches of water in our basement last weekend due to a backed up storm drain. One room of the basement was semi-finished, and we have a lot of stuff down there, so that meant a fun week of removing everything from the room, bleach cleaning the floor, and either cleaning up things we want to keep or throwing them out. This brings a new meaning to "throw out the crap you don't want", and I'll leave it at that.

Among the things we tossed out were a big computer box full of misc. computer parts, electronics, books, gaming hardware and other junk. This was set aside for a rummage sale that never happened, and was just sitting in the basement taking up space. Entire bottom covered with water...dump the whole damn box. I put it outside next to the garbage bins, the box was ruined and soaking wet, and everything inside was soaked. I had a few gig bags for my basses that were ruined, a cheap old bass that I haven't played that I never even bothered to open up the bag and check (although I'm sure it was ruined - water everywhere, inside the pickups, battery compartment, everything), and a 20 year old hard case that was soaked on the inside, so I just got rid of it all. Yet, within 1 day of putting this outside in the garbage collection area, someone came by and took all of it. I suppose they didn't care that they were picking up stuff covered in well, sewer water, and I suppose they don't care that half the shit probably didn't work, nor did they even stop to think why all this "great stuff" was sitting out, soaking wet, in 15 degree weather. I can just imagine the conversation now:

Idiot: look honey, I got me a new geetar!
Idiot's honey: uhh, what's that god awful smell?
Idiot: duhhh, well, I didn't shit myself today (yet), so I dunno, did you let one loose?? hahrhahrhrhrharhahrhar, burp!

And so on. It hurts to channel the mind of the stupid, so I'll try not to do that anymore.

They Took Your What??? - We live on the southwest side of Milwaukee in a semi-quiet neighborhood on a somewhat busy street. We've never had crime problems in the neighborhood, people can walk around at night without issues, and with the exception of the semi-busy street it's just a quiet average middle class neighborhood. There are a lot of city workers in the area, cops, teachers, city workers, etc. because in order to work for the city they have to live in the city, and this is one of the better areas to live in. So, when something bad happens, it's a pretty big deal. We have an alley, and some people also have parking slabs next to their garages. My next door neighbors have 3 cars and a 2 car garage, so they park one on the slab. Well, the other morning my neighbor Greg woke up to find his 2 front wheels missing, and another car down the alley had 1 wheel missing as well. Uhh wtf? OK so maybe I'm just not into the whole crime spree crackhead homeless loser lifestyle where stealing wheels off of people's cars in a neighborhood filled with cops is considered something fun to do. Maybe I've never had it so bad that the first thing I think of when I need some extra money for my crack habit is to go steal someone's wheels off of their cars. But what the hell is going on here, who is going to walk around stealing wheels off of cars? We're not talking great cars either...a 10 year old Altima wagon, and an old Chevy Celebrity or some piece of shit like that. Did one of these losers buy a car with only one wheel? This is amazing to me at least...


Sorry, Umm, Wrong Number - and finally, it's not like I enjoy taking advantage of stupid people, but ok what the hell, I enjoy manipulating stupid people for my own enjoyment. The other day after I got home from work my wife was looking at her phone and didn't look very happy. I asked her what was wrong and she said some guy kept calling her and was leaving weird messages. Sure enough, right as she was telling me about this her phone rang. It showed up as a private number, so she ignored it and it went to voicemail. I listened to it, and well, it was something alright. Imagine a 2 minute long message from a guy with a german/mexican/indian accent using the word "baby" every other word and talking about wanting a dick up his ass. He then ended the message with "I'll call you back in 10 minutes baby" and hung up. While listening to this voicemail another call came in which I ignored, and that went to voicemail with 3 more minutes of the same nonsense. He said at the end of that message that he'd call back in 15 minutes. I hung up and said uhh, ok then, and just then the phone rang. I did my best imitation of umm, someone with a high pitched voice with a fake british accent and answered the phone: "HELLO?!?!?" [click]

Here's where it gets interesting. 30 seconds later MY phone rang, and I didn't get to it in time, but noticed it was the same thing: private number. It was becoming clear now that this moron was given a fake number, probably drooled on the last few digits and was trying every single number in order. My wife's number ends in 35, mine ends in 36, other digits are the same. I feel sorry for the first 34, and what was likely the next 60+ until the idiot's battery probably ran out. Oh but yes, RING, and there goes my phone again. Time to put an end to this:

Me (in best sounding pissed off gruff voice): HELLO.
Donk: HI!
Me: Is this the faggot that keeps calling here and leaving gay ass voicemails on my wife's phone?
Donk: Yes!
Me: [blink blink wtf?!?!?]
Donk: mumbles something
Me: What the fuck is your issue, are you trying to go to jail tonight?
Donk: I'm looking for Maria, she gave me this number
Me: I can assure you that no one named Maria gave you this number, now what the fuck is your problem you stupid fuck?
Donk: no no no no no...
Me: [cutting him off] yes yes yes yes yes listen you moron, you called my wife's number about 10 times and now you're on mine, what the fuck is your fucking problem anyway?
Donk: mumbles something
Me: Ok well keep talking please because all I need to do is either have you call either of our numbers again, or keep you on the line for another 10 seconds and the cops should be at your house within 5 minutes, so...
Donk: [click]

That's one way to take care of it at least. God I hate stupid people. Anyway, I have another story from the place I recently left that should be amusing. I'll try to get that written up in the next, umm, well, in 2009, how's that? Until next time!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Are You a Donk or a Donk?

Hello Manifestites! I bet you've been wondering if your fearless leader has left you. Never fear my loyal readers of the donk. I am here and well, albeit short on material, and even shorter on patience and motivation to put things together. I know I owe you the next entry for The List, and I've actually totally ignored a few Donkeys on Wheels possibilities, but fear not, I have not left you. Today's entry features one particularly inept donk, a few games of what I like to call workplace babelfish, and even my mom trying to make the blog. Actually now that I have it written out it will likely move into more than one entry, but I liked the workplace babelfish line so I decided to keep it. Anyway, go grab a nice tall cool glass of stfu and listen juice, and well, stfu and listen. Onwards!

As some of you know, I've been working in the IT industry for a gruelling 15 some years. Recent jobs have had me working a lot with Citrix and VMWare, and running the server environments for large companies in the Milwaukee, WI area. I'm at one of those now, a large manufacturing company with nearly 1500 servers located around the globe. I get all sorts of issues that come up, but I've managed to trick people into thinking I'm one of the smarter members on my team (not very tough considering some of the competition), and as a result I get all the "special" issues to deal with (read: crap sandwiches).

I'd like to share with you some chats I've had with a guy we'll call Pat because, well, that's his name. Pat is a pretty stupid moron of a donk, but we won't let that get in the way of his goals to apparently be the most clueless person possible. He somehow managed to get his co-worker Bill (mentioned later) fired, and inherited all the shit that this other guy did, and of course doesn't know a fucking thing about it. So his default course of action is to blame it on us. (We're called the Wintel team by the way). Favorite phrases of his are "I don't know anything about this, Wintel has always handled it for us" and "uhhh, vmkdfmmfkdlj; ". Most of the stuff we get is all tracked in a ticketing system, and even though were *supposed* to be considered tier 3, we get all sorts of ridiculous shit sent our way. So here's the notes in the ticket I receive:

Need to have someone to shut down processes on Server237 and Server238. Do not restart the process, but shut it down.

Seems pretty simple, right? Sure, but dear Pat, WHAT FUCKING PROCESSES DO YOU WANT SHUT DOWN YOU MORON??!?!? Uhhh, sorry. You guys aren't as far along as I am. So I pull up my IM program and decide to see how badly he wants to piss me off today:

Morphy: Hi Patrick
Pat: Hello
Morphy: for this ticket, what processes do you need shut down on Server237/238?
Pat: dcm on 238 and background processor and websphere on 237
Morphy: are you the app owner for these servers?
Pat: yes, I just don't have remote access yet, Bill was gonna do it, however, he has left for the day

Great, for a quick translation: the guy who knows wtf he's doing left for the day, and asked this retard to handle it. We get requests like this all the time...the application owners want to do something to their app that likely will fuck it up for all future use, and want us to abet them in their donkness. Wonderful. I don't know what these services do and frankly I don't care. But I know that sometimes these guys reboot the servers during their work, and a standard Windows service when set to automatic will start automatically (neat, huh?) at boot-up. So I try to get more info from him. I'm already logged into the server remotely and am starting to look for whatever it is that he's talking about.

Morphy: ok, are they services that start up? Do you want me to set them to disabled? If so, who will take care of getting them started up again?
Pat: Yes, we will correct everything after the tad db get restored tonitr
Pat: tonite

What? Did I just ask an either/or question and he answered yes? That surely can't be right. Not sure wtf the rest of his line was supposed to mean, so I ignored it. Meanwhile, I'm looking at the services on the server and don't see anything even closely related to whatever the fuck dcm is supposed to be. Remember, I don't really care what the app is on the server or what it does. That's not my job. My job is apparently translating moron into English...

Morphy: ok, by dcm do you mean the DCOM Server Process Launcher?
Pat: The Kronos Data Communications apps
Morphy: do you know what the process and/or service name is?
Pat: It should be running on the task bar
Morphy: let me try logging onto the local console
Pat: ok

Ok, ignoring the fact that he's calling something with the initials KDC "dcm" I actually managed to get something useful from this. From what he's saying, it's not a "process", it's a program running on the task bar (yes, I realize that this will spawn a "process" but I'm trying to simplify this for those who don't care). I'm logged in remotely (via remote desktop or rdp) and I don't see anything running. There's about a 2% chance that there's something running on the local console that I just don't know what the "process" name is in the list of random shit running on a Windows box (box is just a name for server). So I go to logon to the local console of the server which through the wonders of modern technology I can still do from my desk...

Morphy: I didn't see it via rdp
Pat: On Server248 ?
Morphy: 238
Morphy: should it be 248? the ticket said 238
Pat: yes

There it is again! Well, not as bad this time, but he's still going out of his way to be as vague as possible. Keep in mind that we have 1500 servers in the environment and while I'm simplifying the names here for the purpose of the blog entry, the servers are just numbered sequentially so we'll have like file001/002/003 etc. then apps001/002/003 etc. and there's no meaning to the number other than to separate it from the others. So server 237 could be a totally different app than 238. I could shut down 237 by mistake and take down something major whereas 238 is the one that really needs work on it. I hate it when the people who own the apps don't even know the names of their own goddamn servers, but that's another discussion. So here we go, let's try to find out what the fuck server he's talking about before I wind up shutting down an app on the VP's personal torrent server or some shit.

Morphy: is the other one still Server237?
Pat: Server237 contains Web/Application/Background Processor, they all need to be shut down
Morphy: and the other server is Server238 or Server248?
Pat: yes

Fuck me, he did it again, for 100% certain this time! Are you fucking stupid or just a moron? Yes? Great! Go fuck off and leave me alone then ffs!

Morphy: yes? which one is it?
Pat: 248
Morphy: ok I don't see anything in the task bar on Server237...so I'm going to need the exact names of the processes and/or services that need to be shut down
Pat: It may have been shut down already, in task manager, are there any apps running?
Morphy: no
Morphy: on either server
Pat: I just logged into the the s/w is running on 237

klakjdsl;fkajsdfl;kjasdf WTF? If he just logged into it then what the fucking hell am I doing bothering with this shit? Jesus, this guy is a fuckin moron. Ok fuck it, one last try and I'm done...

Morphy: ok then I'm going to need the exact names of the processes and/or services that need to be shut down
Pat: Kronos should be the only thing running, so you can shut down everything

Hmmm, I wonder if this will work...

Morphy: do you want me to shut down the server???

Nah, there's no possible way that he's going to start out asking to shut down a program on a server and agree to having me just power the fucker off. These people don't have remote access to power them back on. I do of course, because I have ZEEE POWERRRRRRRRR MUAHAHAHA err, sorry. But this fucker doesn't have any access to the datacenter where the server lives, and even if he called up the operations center, they wouldn't do shit for him either. Now it's a game, I just want to see if I can get away with this...

Pat: Yeah, as long as the TAD db isn't loaded on that box
Morphy: I don't know what that is
Pat: Thats the Kronos Dev Oracle database

The what? The KDO TAD db WTF SOL PDQ STFD STFU GFY and GTFOH???

Morphy: how would I tell if that's on either of these servers?
Pat: Its loaded on (name of some Unix server that we don't support)
Pat: So we can just shut down those 2 boxes

Jesus Christ, he's gonna let me shut the servers down isn't he? This is great, and I'm actually paying attention now and sitting up at my desk. I need to ask one more question though...

Morphy: ok, and how will you get them turned back on?
Pat: Yes
Morphy: So just to confirm, I will power these boxes off right now. I'll notify the GOC not to page out any alarms. You will then take care of bringing them back online. Is this correct?
Pat: Yes

YES! YES IS THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING! Oh boy, what a moron. I mean, I could sit here and correct him. I could tell him that when I ask a "how will you do this" question that "YES" isn't even a fucking possible answer to it. Or, I could copy/paste the chat to the ticket, shut down the servers, and send myself a copy of the chat to post to my blog later. I don't suppose you guys have guessed which route I'll take? Boom, servers down, noted in ticket, and I contacted the GOC (uhh, global, umm, operations, cookie? err wait, center, yeah that's it) and told them to put those servers into blackout mode which ignores any alarms coming from them. Then I left early for the day, hah!

Of course every story has a happy ending, right? Yup, Bill comes in the next day and SPRIZE! can't get to his servers. So he contacts a guy he knows on my team who we'll call Tony, cause that's what he tells me is the name of his alter ego. I won't go into my thoughts on people who feel the need to use alter egos to post things online. Err, ummm, nevermind. Anyway, I of course sent Tony the chat above so he was able to laugh at Pat with me, and I'm sure he knew that the next morning Bill would be getting a hold of him anyway. Here's that chat:

Tony: hey bud
Morphy: hey
Tony: my buddy bill is pissed
Morphy: hah uh oh, why? lemme guess, they finally figured out they have no way to power the boxes back on?
Tony: lol here his chat:
Tony: Bill: tony buddy ol' pal
Tony: mmmmm
Bill: I cannot remote or into Server237
Bill: it looks like 248 as well.
Bill: wtf
Tony: blame that on pat,, he had morphy shutdown both dev servers
Bill: shutdown
Bill: that idiot
Tony: yes said he would bring them up.. hol don i'll send u the sm
Bill: Do I need a ticket to get restarted?
Bill: sorry I will hold on
Tony: y..
Tony: read email.,. what a dork
Bill: yes ticket?
Tony: y
Bill: k. tks
Tony: morphy will be pleased
Bill: great
Bill: screw it I will email pat to create the ticket
Tony: lol
Bill: I am going home now and will deal with it on Monday

And there we have it. Since then we've had Pat runins monthly or so, where he doesnt' know wtf he's doing, how to ask what he needs, or anything. I'm pretty sure this fucking guy has a map at his desk for how to get to the bathroom. His latest was knowing 3 months in advance that a security certificate was going to expire, then waiting until 2 days after it expired to put in a production outage incident. Hopefully management will realize what a moron this guy is and get rid of him, or throw him off the building, or something. Or maybe I'll find a new job and quit. Hmmm...that sounds pretty damn tempting. Until next time.

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Morphy's Fish Tank

Hello Manifestites! Last post I believe I was roll building. Yeah, I had an issue where a supposed friend of mine busted one of my accounts (yes, my fault for giving the password out, no need to discuss that), and I lost all interest in playing for a while, so I cashed out what I had on the other site I play on and left poker again for a while. I got a rakeback a while back from FullTilt and have been playing on that. At this time it's unknown whether or not I'll continue playing, as the trust I had in this person was crushed. Enough about that...

I do have 2-3 blog posts coming, and I'll just say "soon" for the timeframe. One is the way overdue next installment of The List post, and the other is a collection of IM chats I've had at work that have to be seen to be believed (but not necessarily understood!).

However, the reason for this post is to announce a new blog I started. I'm starting up a new fish tank and have never had a chance to document a tank from start to "finish"...I hate to use the word finish because a tank is a living, evolving thing, but it's the best word for it at this time. So I bring you:

Morphy's Fish Tank (http://morphysfishtank.blogspot.com)

Enjoy, and until next time!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Random Donk Chat

Hello Manifestites! Ahh, it's summertime. Time for the great outdoors, air conditioning, sunburn, kids screaming in the backyard pool, bugs, and the humidity. Oh the humidity! It's also about time that I stop fucking around with my poker game and do something somewhat serious. Yes folks, it's roll building time!

Thanks to our wonderful soon-to-be communist government and their UIEGALMNOPWTFSOL law that they passed, the financial side of the online poker world has been turned upside down. Neteller stopped serving US customers, and many of us cashed out our rolls and have been screwing around since then with no real bankroll to play on. It's a very tough grind coming up from quarter and dollar levels to try and play for anything meaningful. It's just too easy to say "hell, it's only $500, see if I can double it up quick" and dump it all on one table hoping to get lucky (that is, not get KK vs. a flush draw), then end up quitting poker again out of disgust. I do have to say, I have the most experience at quitting poker than anyone I know! So I'm happy to say that at least for the time being, I'm out of the true donk levels and am working up a nice roll.

Of course the trip through the land of the donk is a tough one, and on a site like Bodog, can be a true test of patience and willpower. Add to that the Bodog bug that allows you to bypass the swear filter, and it can be well, more fun than it should be. The following are various random chats that I've had over the last 2 months or so while rebuilding. I save them to a text file in case I might ever use them or just get a laugh out of them. Time to clear out the file and share it with my faithful readers (and all you idiots who read this out of sheer hatred towards me so you can post on RGP how pathetic I am. There's a special place in my heart for you morons). Here we go!

In the hand prior to this chat, I had 64 on the BB in a NLHE game, checked preflop, no one bet on the flop, hit trip 4s on the turn and busted some idiot who couldn't bet top pair:

hartdog63: omg sick call
armorbill: how do you even stay for flop with 6 4
DOKTER DONKEY: me?
armorbill: yea
DOKTER DONKEY: well sparky, it's like this
DOKTER DONKEY: no one raised
DOKTER DONKEY: and I was on the big blind
DOKTER DONKEY: so I hit the button labeled check and WHAMMO, the flop was dealt
DOKTER DONKEY: pretty incredible huh?
armorbill: sorry d i c k
Duck12: that is the ******est comment i've ever heard
Duck12: don't do that again
Duck12: i feel gay just reading it
DOKTER DONKEY: well I'm sorry, ask a retarded question, get a retarded answer
Duck12: yeah armor don't ask retarded questions
DOKTER DONKEY: it's very likely he can't help himself
armorbill: he even stayed after flop
DOKTER DONKEY: I did?
DOKTER DONKEY: oh yeah
DOKTER DONKEY: you mean when it checked around and no one bet?
DOKTER DONKEY: pretty fuckin hard to imagine I didn't fold, isn't it?
armorbill: what an *******
DOKTER DONKEY: asshole?
armorbill: yep
DOKTER DONKEY: I'd rather be an asshole than a complete fuckin idiot such as yourself
armorbill: you are
DOKTER DONKEY: and so are you sir

Ahh yes, the truly clueless at work. This next one is a great example of how acting like you're mad gets people to lose IQ points as they dig themselves deeper into the stupidity that is their own mind. It starts out innocent enough:

DOKTER DONKEY: it's a wonder alright
DOKTER DONKEY: fuckin idiot
onedaywonder: lol
onedaywonder: who

Sigh, they never will get it will they? This was a PLO hand where I held the Ace of whatever 3 suits were on the board. I made a pot bet on the river knowing that they can't have the nuts because I have their card. Naturally that doesn't stop them from getting in with the 17th nuts or whatever this idiot had. Note that throughout this chat I'm actually laughing my ass off, and I bet he thinks I'm about to go on a neighborhood shooting spree:

onedaywonder: u make a terrible play and get mad at me
onedaywonder: now thats funny
DOKTER DONKEY: ahh yes, and the guy calling with the 9 high flush made the good play?
DOKTER DONKEY: and I'm not mad
onedaywonder: it was obvious u did not have a flush
DOKTER DONKEY: just merely calling you a fucking idiot
onedaywonder: u would have bet it on the turn
DOKTER DONKEY: why would I do that?
onedaywonder: well if i'm an idiot what does that make u
onedaywonder: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: good question
onedaywonder: i guess u are re.tarded then
onedaywonder: lol but stay mad i find it hilarious
DOKTER DONKEY: I'm not mad you fuckin dipshit
onedaywonder: yes u are u made a terrible poker play and instead of owning up to it all u can do is take it out on
onedaywonder: me
onedaywonder: sad and pathetic
onedaywonder: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: I knew you didn't have the nuts
DOKTER DONKEY: so I made a bet that someone with half a brain could never call
DOKTER DONKEY: which leaves you where?
onedaywonder: and i knew i had u beat
onedaywonder: thats why i called
onedaywonder: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: no, you knew you had a 9 high flush, and likely the drool all over your keyboard proves it
onedaywonder: your bet was obvious u don'tbet the pot if u have the flush
onedaywonder: u make a value bet
DOKTER DONKEY: I'll keep that in mind
DOKTER DONKEY: ty for the tip
onedaywonder: u lost u made a bad read get over it
onedaywonder: u have already refilled atleast twice now
onedaywonder: that says all we need to know about u
DOKTER DONKEY: there's plenty more where this came from
onedaywonder: stop crying
onedaywonder: try another hobby
onedaywonder: maybe spades suits u
onedaywonder: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: care to play headsup for your roll there champ?
DOKTER DONKEY: all 77.35 of it?
onedaywonder: since there are no heads up tables i say no
onedaywonder: lol
onedaywonder: and now i only have 77 b/c i beat u in a hand
DOKTER DONKEY: no one is sitting on 10/20 on table Atlanta
onedaywonder: your anger has gotten the best of u
DOKTER DONKEY: I'll put 1k up against yours
onedaywonder: lol
onedaywonder: what does 1k have to do with our conversation anyway
onedaywonder: u lost
DOKTER DONKEY: I'm sitting
onedaywonder: u made a bad play
onedaywonder: it happens
onedaywonder: calm down
DOKTER DONKEY: come join me champ
DOKTER DONKEY: waiting
DOKTER DONKEY: still waitign
onedaywonder: lol i never said u were out of cash just the fact that u've had to refill twice already is
onedaywonder: an indication of how u play
DOKTER DONKEY: it is?
onedaywonder: and u will be waiting a long time if u think i'm gonna sit down and play for 1k

Whew! I'm the worst headsup player in the world, so this idiot just passed up on a free $1000. Sure am glad he didn't sit down, or well, you guys wouldn't be reading this.

onedaywonder: lol but it obviously makes u feel good to be there
DOKTER DONKEY: figures
DOKTER DONKEY: make a bad call, win $10, talk shit, and can't back it up
onedaywonder: if u are such a high roller then calm down i made a great call and u are so upset over u can't say
DOKTER DONKEY: I'm not upset, I already said that sparky
onedaywonder: nh and move on u got to your panties in a wad
onedaywonder: its sad
onedaywonder: yeah u are not upset u just felt the need to call me out
onedaywonder: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: yes, you're a fuckin idiot
DOKTER DONKEY: do we need to go over this again?
onedaywonder: lol
onedaywonder: take a deep breath
DOKTER DONKEY: take notes or something, try to keep up
onedaywonder: maybe go walk around outside
onedaywonder: cool off
DOKTER DONKEY: now why the hell would I want to do that
onedaywonder: b/c u are upset no matter how many times u deny it
DOKTER DONKEY: I'M NOT UPSET YOU FUCKIN MORON
onedaywonder: lol
onedaywonder: take a deep breath
onedaywonder: smoke some dope
DOKTER DONKEY: man you idiots have no sense of humor
onedaywonder: this is just a 50 dollar table pro
onedaywonder: relax
DOKTER DONKEY: only an idiot would want an opponent he thinks is on tilt to relax
onedaywonder: no u are calling everyone at the table an idiot
onedaywonder: wow
DOKTER DONKEY: therefore you are a fuckin idiot
onedaywonder: lol
onedaywonder: i'm here to pass thetime
onedaywonder: not trying to pay my bills
DOKTER DONKEY: I would hope not
onedaywonder: when someone makes a great call against me i say nh
onedaywonder: i dont cry about it forever
DOKTER DONKEY: if you were to make a great call I would have no problem saying nh
onedaywonder: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: I'm sure you'll get your chance
onedaywonder: u got outplayed
onedaywonder: just accept it
onedaywonder: move on
DOKTER DONKEY: but when you make a call like that, it's not nh
onedaywonder: don't get so upset
DOKTER DONKEY: it's "OMGIGOTAFLUSHDRAW"
onedaywonder: u tried to buy the pot
onedaywonder: it was obvious
DOKTER DONKEY: I made a bet that any thinking player would fold to
DOKTER DONKEY: so again
onedaywonder: i guress your fragile ego got damaged
onedaywonder: sorry i called
onedaywonder: i would have folded if i knew it would upset u like this
DOKTER DONKEY: you should be!
onedaywonder: lol
onedaywonder: i must say i have enjoyed making fun of u tho
DOKTER DONKEY: you what now?
DOKTER DONKEY: sir
onedaywonder: i don't really like to embarrass people but u deservef it i guess
DOKTER DONKEY: you have a lot of work to do if you think that was making fun of someone
onedaywonder: see u around donkey
DOKTER DONKEY: ahh yes
DOKTER DONKEY: run away with your monster profit
onedaywonder: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: go upstairs and brag to your mom about your big win
onedaywonder: relax take a deep breath
onedaywonder: u will feel better
DOKTER DONKEY: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: you don't get it do you?
DOKTER DONKEY: what an idiot
DOKTER DONKEY: so how are the rest of you idiots doing tonight?

Well that was fun. A few days later I sit down at some table, and the first thing I see is this:

doug11667: i know this riiged ****** gonna win
doug11667: ****er prolly plays 4 bodog
doug11667: *** you
doug11667: rigged site bot
V47Y5: nh
doug11667: not playing this s ass s no more
doug11667: blo me
V47Y5: we'll miss you

Well I couldn't resist joining in, so I decided to throw in a few lines here:

DOKTER DONKEY: look, a talking bot!
V47Y5: as will my bankroll
doug11667: i tell efgveery one bodog rigged
DOKTER DONKEY: I don't think efgveery one will believe you
doug11667: come to baltimore birtch ]
doug11667: i bweat the shii to oua your ass
doug11667: muthhha ***er
doug11667: leave you bleeding in the street
doug11667: punk ass *****
doug11667: I light your dog on fire
doug11667: and chop his head off
V47Y5: why would i want to come to baltimore if you were going to "bweat the shii oua" my ass?
doug11667: take you that long to respond who re e
doug11667: little ****
doug11667: c uu n t
doug11667: hope they pauy well in china
doug11667: little *****
doug11667: ch iin k

Well well, someone has some anger management issues. Whereas in the chat before this it should have been obvious that I was just stringing the guy along, there's a real possibility that this guy is going to go break every crayon in his crayon box after this episode. About two weeks after the chat above (remember, when he said he would never play there again), I saw him on a table:

DOKTER DONKEY: hi gl
DOKTER DONKEY: what's your name?
doug11667: doug
DOKTER DONKEY: hi doug, very nice to meet you
doug11667: ya u too
DOKTER DONKEY: you aren't gonna light my dog on fire if I beat you are you?
doug11667: hmmmmm
doug11667: was that u

My guess is he's still on the site somewhere, losing money and lighting things on fire. Hope he has some fireproof dog food!

This next donkerlude happened at a PLO table. Nothing like using the chat as your personal venting area. This guy has some issues for sure:

eligatorblood: play holdem..this game is like flipping coins
Batence: i know
Batence: but in holdem
Batence: i get even worst beats
Batence: these days
Batence: its a ****in joke
Batence: 2-3 outers there
Batence: crack my hands
Batence: today
Batence: i push all in
Batence: no i get one ****** to push all in with 9 6 off suit
Batence: and i have kings
Batence: and i have a flush draw and a better hand
Batence: everything mate
Batence: and at the river he caught 6
Batence: the non spade 6
Batence: bodog is seriously ****ing with me
Batence: lately
Batence: and i just want to break even
DOKTER DONKEY: a lofty goal indeed
Batence: if the people didn't get so lucky on me
Batence: i would actually be quite ahead
DOKTER DONKEY: funny how that works
Batence: here the worst hand wins

Unfortunately he took my little snipe remarks to mean "hi, I want to be your friend forever, please share all of your bad beat stories with me." Well fuck that, let's see if I can annoy the shit outta him:

Batence: the other day man
Batence: i am in a tourney
DOKTER DONKEY: right now?
Batence: i push all in AA against KK 10 10 and AQ
Batence: the AQ won
Batence: with 4 cards to a flush
DOKTER DONKEY: did you win it?
Batence: i hit my ace by the way
DOKTER DONKEY: how much did you win?
Batence: no
Batence: i had a set of AA
DOKTER DONKEY: you know a flush beats a set right?
Batence: yeah
Batence: but mate
Batence: he caught 4 cards
Batence: he had AQ
Batence: not suited
DOKTER DONKEY: well holdem is a 7 card game you know
DOKTER DONKEY: you get 2 hole cards
Batence: against AA KK I TT
DOKTER DONKEY: and there are 5 community cards that all players share
DOKTER DONKEY: and you make up your best 5 card hand from a combination of those cards
Batence: whatever man

Seems like that did the trick. "Whatever man." Hmm, wonder if he learned that from my 8 year old?

Batence: i hope for once i will get lucky with the worst hand
Batence: just once
eligatorblood: should happen eventually
Batence: because people are doing it to me all the time
nigmeplz: if u play bad u will lose more
Batence: i losse with the best hand EVERY TIME
DOKTER DONKEY: not really the strategy you should be going for
Batence: what strategy shoud i be going for mate
DOKTER DONKEY: well I think I speak for all of us when I say one that involves much less whining

And that was that. The rest of these are just various short clips:

maclindoors: such a set up hand
DOKTER DONKEY: yah the biggest part of the setup was making you call a raise with 4 high

This next one was a hand I posted to RGP. I had T9, flop 978, he shoves KK in for a 4x the pot bet, I call, river my straight, and bust him. I couldn't think of anything better to say, so this was it:

h82bukid: lol
h82bukid: true to your name
DOKTER DONKEY: shut up idiot

Here's two random chats from a guy who really has some issues. These happened a few weeks apart:

PhippsJ: well i guess we know who the table idiot is here
DOKTER DONKEY: the guy who has filled up the chat talking to himself?
DOKTER DONKEY: or the guy whining about a bad beat?
GonzagaJere: I know! The guy with a small stack!
DOKTER DONKEY: I was in the pool!!!
DOKTER DONKEY: oh


PhippsJ: your like the 5 foot 5 guy at the bar trying to pick fights
PhippsJ: and everyone just laughs at
DOKTER DONKEY: yup that's me
DOKTER DONKEY: except I'm 5 foot 10
DOKTER DONKEY: and have a blackbelt in dawnkeigh-do


Random comment:

drb64: you pros must be bored being on a small dollar table like this
DOKTER DONKEY: I like to watch retards frolic in their natural environment

This next one was interesting. The player here is a regular at $2/$4 NL and up, and while I don't think he's the greatest player, I used play him fairly regularly a year ago or so and he sure seemed like a winning player to me. One day he shows up on a 50c/$1 PLO table and is playing like a true idiot, so I had to ask him wtf was going on. Needless to say the chat was destined to end the way it did:

DOKTER DONKEY: lol well done there champ
DOKTER DONKEY: was gonna ask why you aren't playing 300 max anymore, but now I know
chump_status: this is his chick
DOKTER DONKEY: you must be really good looking

This next fucker kept posting $3 big blinds and would time out when the action got to him, folding his hand. At least he was honest:

DOKTER DONKEY: hey threeaaas, how much have you lost so far by posting a blind and timing out?
ThreeAAAs: my fault man
ThreeAAAs: 10 dollars

I have no clue what this is in reference to:

grobux: i had 22
DOKTER DONKEY: if you had 22 that was the worst raise in the history of the last 3 hands

And finally, against a typical "maybe if I bet more he'll fold" player...I was in the $2 small blind with J3 and called $1 since the odds were plenty. Flop was AQJ84 and I check/called bets that got bigger on every street. I somehow managed to beat my opponent's 3 high. How did I know, you may ask? Easy, and remember, TYPING IN ALL CAPS MAKES THINGS LOOK FUNNY:

DOKTER DONKEY: NO BLUFFY BLUFFY 4 U
The Nubster: lol
The Nubster: nice call
DOKTER DONKEY: TY
DOKTER DONKEY: I READ INTO YOUR SOUL
DOKTER DONKEY: DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING, SO HIT CALL

That's all for now. Until next time!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Beldin the Moron

Hello Manifestites! I know this is going to be hard to believe, but there's a moron posting on RGP. He goes by the name of Beldin the Sorcerer. I won't get into all of the reasons why he's a total moron so you'll have to trust me on this one.

His latest claim is that you can't copy/paste the text from FullTilt's "last hand" graphical hand history window. Of course, I couldn't let that go unnoticed, so I put together this short instructional video. Enjoy!

http://www.donkeymanifesto.com/beldin

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

PLO Pied Piper of Donks, Special Edition!

Hello Manifestites! Yes it's true, the Pied Piper of Donks has made another appearance. This is a special edition video with some cameo appearances. Enjoy!

www.donkeymanifesto.com/videos

Yours Donkily,

Morphy