Wednesday, April 13, 2011

English Is Donking Hard!

Hello Manifestites!  After writing up the last entry with the old chat from 2007 I realized that I really miss writing these blog entries.  Sure, lack of material is and has been an issue, but I also realized that I enjoy reading my own entries enough that even if I were the only reader of the blog I think I’d be ok with it.  They say simple things amuse simple minds and well, I’m amused a lot.

One of the things I have noticed, however, is that over the years the entries themselves have gotten longer.  What ended up happening was that I wouldn’t write up an entry right after it happened, so instead of a bunch of smaller entries I’d get one big entry.  Sure the entry in itself was great, but I found myself trying to tie completely unrelated things together all in the sake of clearing out the material.  I completely forgot our motto here at the Manifesto, which is quantity over quality.  So on that note what I’m going to do from now on is try to write up things shortly after they happen and keep the entries somewhat smaller overall.  We’ll see if it works.  I do have a bunch of material stored up that I’ve gathered over the past few years when the blog was mostly dormant, so what that means for my faithful reader(s???) is that you can expect a few more entries in the near future.

The theme of this particular entry is loosely based off of difficulties with the English language.  As you’ve seen over the years, I’ve had plenty of interesting, uhh, “discussions” with donks all over the world, and they make for some highly entertaining situations.  For some highlights, we’ll start by going all the way back to one of my favorite entries from 2005, The Time-Space Con-Donkey-Um, a pure classic.  From there we take a trip to 2006 somewhere in Nigeria with Donk Donk Walla Walla Donk Donk.  I was too busy with the PLO videos and such in 2007, but 2008 brings us the ever famous trenzen in You are donk of puta.  2009 was a slow year and 2010 all I really did was the Rush Poker posts.  There were a few others in there somewhere but those will do nicely to keep you busy while I write this.  Err wait, by the time you read this I’ll be done already.  Are you done yet?  Am I done yet?  Woah, I think I just travelled through time.  Is it 7:17pm for you guys too?

Err sorry, anyway, this entry will feature one main encounter with an English challenged donk,  but before we start with that I want to kick things off with a few RGP posts from 2006 from a poster who we’ll call Daniel because well, that’s the name he posted under.  Daniel’s native language obviously wasn’t English, so while it would be just funny enough to make fun of him for that, what he came up with was one of the most amusing phrases that has been a standby since the day he posted it.

From: Daniel
Subject: How many you see hands like this at PS??
Why every 3 hands at STARS one and is always like this.WHYYYY? Every one says thats not rigged, ok ok, but at least agree that the software generate action hands with a lot of bad river at river.

He then posted a hand where he had KK and got all-in on a flop of T88 with J9.  Turn brought a 7 to give J9 the straight, but the river brought a 4th diamond to give Daniel a flush.  In other words, Daniel won the pot, but used that hand as some sort of proof that the “software generate action hands with a lot of bad river at river.”  Whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean.  Well I’ve never been one to let something like that pass by, so I jump right in and reply:

From: XaQ Morphy
If you think it's rigged, stop fucking playing there you moron.  No one gives a fuck about your $3 loss or your views on rigged poker.  The only thing you have going for you is that because English is your 4th or 5th native language, your posts come out making you look like a raving nitwit. But seriously, fuck off.

Naturally Daniel takes offense to that, and fires back, providing one of the best taglines to date:

From: Daniel
Well thats a post of a great player, for sure.   About the 3$, those hands happens at every levels, and for sure you are a loser.  Allways same escuses,"bla bla 3$,blabla only 1$ no one cares, bla bla only 5$ thats for donkeys". What fucking stakes you play? 100000? You are my hero. English is not my native language,and im glad of that.But its funny that you had perfectly understud what i said and i also understand everything, but moron only speak one language.And like you said that no one cares so dont post. Die far to not smell badly.

Die far to not smell badly??!??!  That is simply awesome.  It was a catch phrase on RGP for weeks after that, and still every once and a while it will show up in post where someone butchers the English language.  I still don’t know what it means, but fuck me that’s some funny shit right there.

Online poker has really opened up world-wide and in the past few years the rest of the world has been experiencing various poker booms similar to what the US saw in 2004-05.  As a result of this there’s players from all over the world at every table, and because the online sites have English only chat rules, some of the chat can be rather amusing to those of us who are easily amused.  I pick up chat here and there and save it just for this purpose.  See, you can be playing, see something stupid and think it’s stupid enough, but when someone chimes in with:

iso lero: two biddest idiots
iso lero: on hole tournament

You can’t help but to laugh.  Or how about this next guy, who I’m afraid to say actually was from the US:

nhabn: FCK U all hope you al ldie andfck

Sometimes they even try to communicate with each other but fail miserably:

GrinDEr770: horriable
Thuong1712: yes it does bro !

Yes it does bro indeed!  Some time back in late 2009 I played  a donk from the nether regions of the world who goes by the name arturo468 on PokerStars.  I shared it with some friends but for some reason never thought to share it with the blog.  My apologies, I don’t know what I was thinking.

We start out with a relatively innocent poker hand.  It folds to arturo in the small blind and he gobbles.  Gobbling of course is the term for min raising made famous by TNL and then used mercilessly and beat into the ground by the rest of us.  I had the monster hand that is Q5 in the big blind, but gobbling drives me nuts, so I decided to call and take the pot away from him on the flop if I could.  The flop came T5T with no flush draw possible, and he again gobbled (min bet).  Well, gobble is as gobble does, so I re-gobbled.  He then pulled the seldom used re-re-gobble.  I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have a fkin thing at this point, so I move all-in on him.  Naturally he folds but then immediately says:

arturo468: fold KK

Uhh, what?  He folded KK?  If so, that’s damn near the worst played KK in history, despite all of the comments I make about folding that shit preflop cause it never wins.  Well, I couldn’t let that go without a comment, but I can’t really come out guns blazing here, so I start out slow…

Grant1525: lol really?
arturo468: juro..((Yn)
arturo468: you 10?
Grant1525: no I had Q5o
arturo468: Q?
SlackMac1: hehe

A lot of times people will just say “good fold” and make up a hand that beat what their opponents had (or what they claim they had), even if they were bluffing.  Sometimes both players are lying about what they had, and in some cases we get things like Player A telling Player B that what he had was really what Player B had.  Anyway, I felt no reason not to tell him exactly what I had, since he likely won’t believe it. Notice a player named SlackMac1 jumps in as well.  Time to get him confused…err, more confused, since I have no clue wtf “juro..((Yn)” is supposed to mean, unless it’s some secret sort of programming language meant to change the background colors or something.

arturo468: ufffffff
Grant1525: I had AA
Grant1525: good fold
arturo468: ok ok
arturo468: ufff
arturo468: ...
Grant1525: ok ok
arturo468: i had KK,,,
Grant1525: wtfffff

Yeah I don’t know wtf all the fffffffs were for, but I wanted to jump in and see what the big deal was with them.  Turns out they are overrated.

arturo468: I you do not bellieve that you had TO TO
Grant1525: well I'm not sure what TO TO is, but I didn't have it
SlackMac1: toto was dorthy's dog in the wizard of oz
Grant1525: no place for KK, no place for KK
Grant1525: I'll get you my pretty, you and your KK too!!!
arturo468: jajaja, the truth that well, you tape, worm, that to have throw shot allin , whit KK
Grant1525: uhh, what?

Oh boy, here we go.  First the obvious wizard of oz joke, couldn’t pass that up no matter how cheesy it was.  Just one of those things that everyone expected but still got a chuckle out of me, so needed to be done.  That “jajaja” shit drives me crazy.  Apparently certain countries are so fucked up that they can’t even afford the h key on their keyboards, so everytjing is jajaja jello go to jell jappy jalloween and sjit tje jell up and well you see, tje list goes on and on to tje point of sjeer ridiculousness.  Or sometjing.

Anyway, I don’t really get what he’s saying, but I think he called me a tapeworm.  I’ve been called worse.  But here we go, game on!

arturo468: that **** you DONK
Grant1525: hey now, no need to get testy, just because I out played you
arturo468: it he seem to me likely
Grant1525: is this a word scramble of some sorts?
arturo468: ??
arturo468: what?

Yeah poor bastard has no clue what’s going on.  Meanwhile arturo gets into another hand and folds.  He asks his opponent what he has, and I can’t help but jump in.

arturo468: youhad?
faflar: kj
Grant1525: I had TO TO
arturo468: i had 99
SlackMac1: previous hand function is a mystical thing
Grant1525: its mystery is only exceeded by its power

Bonus points for those of you who get this reference.

SlackMac1: ill bet you 10 that he had arturo
arturo468: ok
arturo468: NH
Grant1525: I bet how you know A 10 he had
rfeverlast: nh
arturo468: ty
arturo468: you had?
arturo468: A=
arturo468: yes?
rfeverlast: a7
arturo468: yyes ok ok
Grant1525: I had TO TO again
arturo468: :O?
arturo468: K 10
arturo468: idiot
Grant1525: don't smile at me

I find it’s best to fight donk with donk, so I just randomly re-arranged words figuring he might understand them.  Right about this time I raised in late position with KQ, a short stack shoved on me, I was getting almost 2.5:1 on a call and can’t really fold there, so I called and lost to A6o.  Pretty standard situation in a tournament, and one that most people won’t think twice about, being on either side of it.  Well, most people doesn’t include our jajaja buddy here, as you can see:

arturo468: jajaja K Q?
arturo468: good bye
arturo468: good bye DONK

Note that I still have chips here.  All this donk saw was that I called an all-in and he didn’t bother to look at stack sizes (which are right there on the screen for those who don’t play online poker), so he didn’t realize I was still in the tournament with plenty of chips.

Grant1525: lol you are truly stupid aren't you arturo?
Grant1525: I still have chips moron
Grant1525: fkin nitwit
arturo468: yeaaah jajaja
arturo468: K Q it is called the hand of the idiot since as your jajaja
Grant1525: so you fold KQ getting over 2:1 there, sparky?
Grant1525: oh wait, let me ask this:  do you know what 2:1 is?
arturo468: jajajaa
Grant1525: that's what I thought, thanks
arturo468: idiot
Grant1525: yes, you are
Grant1525: but it's ok, keep typing "jajaja" and all will be well
arturo468: I happen of discussing whit you, this is poker friends
Grant1525: yeah I'm sorry, I have no fkin clue wtf you are trying to say
Grant1525: can we get a translator?  someone proficient in translating moron to English?
arturo468: jajajaaj, man, i am spanish enough that i defend myself whit the english man estudpi
Grant1525: do you know a guy named trenzen by chance?
arturo468: do not grate the head and keep silent about you already

Die far to not smell badly!  Seriously, this is almost as good.  Do not grate the head.  Dear lord.  I mean I suppose I should be happy that they are at least trying, since the non-English chat happening online is a pretty big issue and even with their online chat moderators, PokerStars doesn’t seem to want to do anything about it.  But that doesn’t mean we can’t make fun of them!

I hope you enjoyed this one.  Hopefully I’ll have some other (relatively) shorter entries soon.  Until next time!

Yours Donkily,


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