Monday, April 18, 2011

Donking the Spellchecker

Hello Manifestites!  I know you guys are probably freaking out about so many posts in such a short time, but hey, when I say I’m going to deliver, I uhh, well, I mean, err, sometimes I, uhh, ok yeah so how about another post?  I will say that the shorter post last time seemed to go over just as well, so I’m going to keep going with the shorter post/greater number of posts route.

Before I start this I might as well say a few words on the current state of online poker in the US.  As most everyone should know by now, Friday April 15th, the US DoJ and FBI indicted the owners of PokerStars, FullTilt poker, and those cheating fucks over at Absolute Poker/UltimateBet.  They also indicted a slew of payment processors, seized bank accounts and generally did what they do in cases of money laundering and fraud.  I won’t really go into my thoughts on most of this only to say that online poker in the US is about to undergo some drastic changes.  Until everything is figured out across the board there’s not much to do, well, except read blog entries and laugh at everyone jumping around threating to move to another country because their favorite poker site broke laws and got busted for it.  Fortunately there are still a few places left to play, and we can hope the chat keeps pouring in so I can provide my faithful reader(s) with some more material.  Onwards!

We had fun with the English Is Donking Hard post with mostly non-English speakers, but the really amusing ones are the ones who natively speak English, are “intelligent” (and I use that word lightly) enough to figure out how to use a computer, yet butcher the English language so badly that you have to wonder if they are going out of their way to try. I ran into this guy a while back and walked away with the distinct impression that he just didn’t care.  About anything.  In the hand, player RogueWiener (lol) made a fairly large raise/shove, and slivy folded.  Then we have:

slivy: lol
slivy: thank you
slivy: fo beting os much
slivy: thank yuou
slivy: lol
slivy: cnat wai to pu****** all in
slivy: they avhe touenryes here ay know
slivy: u ugys kil me
slivy: dyingot push chips all in
XaQ Morphy: english?

English, no doubt.  You should see what MS Word’s spell check does to this shit.  Last time I saw that much red on a paper was in high school when I had to sit next to this semi-retarded kid who did his homework by putting a pen in his mouth and randomly drooling all over it and the paper on his desk in an attempt to write.  Apparently getting stuffed into a locker too many times causes retardation.  Poor guy.  Who knew?

I guess what slivy’s trying to say is that he doesn’t approve of the other guy betting so much.  He must have had a draw of some sorts (likely the old 1 pair draw) and got mad at RogueWiener (lol.  Sorry, too much Beavis & Butthead maybe, but that name makes me giggle) for betting so much, so that he couldn’t hit his hand cheaply and win the pot.  That’s kind of the point of games with no limit betting.  Back to the fun:

slivy: no
RogueWiener: should have sakked up to your big preraise
slivy: why?u adh aa or kk
slivy: oculdnt beat it
RogueWiener: then you shouldnt have been in the hand
slivy: is sacking up mena being stupid?
XaQ Morphy: dude no offense, but if you can't type a sentence without butchering a word you can't call someone else stupid

I can’t help to emphasize the point I made here.  We see this all the time in various online forums, poker tables, etc.  People who can’t string a simple sentence together calling each other idiots.  They ARE idiots of course, but if they realized they were idiots, would they still be idiots?  If a tree fell on an idiot in a forest, would the tree make noise?  Would the idiot whine?  Would anyone care?  Anyway…

slivy: i got 4 sites pen
slivy: 12 tables
slivy: sorry

Oh great.  The reason he’s typing like a legally blind semi-retarded ostrich (thanks for that brew) is because he’s playing on 12 tables spread across 4 sites.  I guess the only positive point about it is that he’s a really bad player and isn’t really slowing the game down.  I’d go on a rant about these kids living in their parents’ basements playing 20 tables at a time and barely making as much as they would running a corner lemonade stand, but there’s simply not enough time in the day to type out exactly how I feel about them.  Back to the donking:

slivy: try for w chek riase iwth the jack?
RogueWiener: maybe someone on the other tables will let you hang around in hands to catch some bs, not me
slivy: do what u wnat
slivy: i dont give a ***
slivy: why woud u assume i care?

Damn, he almost did it.  Almost got through one line without butchering something.  Almost.

RogueWiener: because you keep talking about it
slivy: keep?
slivy: i entioned one thing
slivy: si di u wcant wit ot ge tall in
slivy: neve sisd anogteh word
RogueWiener: im past it if you are
slivy: dud ei dont care
slivy: u cnat wit ot ge tall in
slivy: are u taking it as some kind of insult?
RogueWiener: no

And there we have it.  There’s at least 2 lines in there that I can barely decipher what slivy is trying to say.  Needless to say, shortly after this chat he made a stupid play, busted his stack and took off without saying another word.  And also needless to say, I’ve never seen him since.

This next one I’m putting this one here because I don’t know where else to put it.  I won’t even try to explain this:

pails09: mc sleeve i can't wait to snap u off u gerbil stufferrrrr

Of course then we have the geographically challenged donks:

gzagenius11 [observer]: and i have won live tourneys at the montreal casino
dagon2467: whers that

Who IS buried in Grant’s tomb anyway?  Where is the Washington Monument?  What state is the capital of Alabama located in? What country is spelled I-T-A-L-Y?  I know these are hard questions, sorry, it certainly wasn’t my intention to make my readers think!

So what makes a good online poker name?  Are the witty names the best?  The inside jokes that no one understands but has some sort of meaning to the owner?  Something completely nondescript that doesn’t stand out?  Some retarded new trendy phrase containing one or more of the following:  420, 69, philivey, teddykbg, pwn?  We’ve all come across some pretty amusing names in the past, from DOKTER DONKEY to one of my personal favorites, Stu Pidasle.  This next exchange got a good chuckle out of me:

CallMeNames checks
XaQ Morphy bets $21
CallMeNames has 15 seconds left to act
XaQ Morphy: fold asswipe
CallMeNames folds

Hey, he asked for it!  I see a lot of players with certain hands/cards as their name.  Like, if I see a guy with a name like AAbuster, I secretly hope I can bust him when he’s holding AA.  Or if his name is 43offsuit I’m most likely losing ¾ of my stack to him trying to bluff him with 43o.  My friend A-Ten_suited picked his name in his early days of playing, and apparently wishes he could change it, as seen in this next bit:

Joey5883: i hate a-10 suited
A-Ten_suited: me too
Ro0M 1.8.7.: you hate the hand...or the player
Joey5883: hand
A-Ten_suited: player

I’ll end this entry with a short but bizarre exchange I had a few years ago.  Every once and a while this guy shows up on AIM and has a line or two to say.  He’s a former RGPer and I haven’t spent much time talking to him, but our chats are always short and amusing, like this one:

(7:38:41 PM) Phillyscr: you like chutney?
(7:40:20 PM) XaQ Morphy: seems like a silly question
(7:40:35 PM) Phillyscr: yea - that is what I told Lenny Jenkins
(7:40:40 PM) XaQ Morphy: word
(7:40:48 PM) Phillyscr: to your motha

That’s probably a great way to end this entry.  Until next time!

Yours Donkily,


No comments: