Friday, April 22, 2011

The Donkey Manifesto Presents: Shut Up Idiot

Hello Manifestites!  That’s right, 4 (FOUR) posts in 1 (ONE) month.  Can you believe it?  We haven’t had this since, well, the last time we had it (2007 for anyone counting).  I like the approach I’ve been taking with the shorter entries.  Of course you guys are going to expect this to keep up, so I’ll see what I can do.  I’m still working off of some older material, but at some point I’m sure I’ll get new material in.  I’ve gone back to playing on what I’ve called my donk sweet donk site, and the play and chat there are, well, donkteresting.  I had a really good chat going yesterday and the site’s software is so fucked up that it locked up just by trying to copy the chat to paste to a file.  Argh!

This entry I want to highlight one of my favorite terms from the past few years, which is simply, shut up idiot.  It’s hilarious how something so simple and straight forward can get people completely bent out of shape.  It’s taken on a sort of cult following.  Some of it might have a guess you had to be there sort of feel to it, but if you have the sense of humor that I do, the more you use it the more amusing it will be.

It all starts back with this quote, from the second entry of The List

thenutlow: gonna ratstab his way to another $6 profit and then ysteriously have to do some made up bullshit so he can run down his hole with that big bag of loot ratting its way on his shoulder
thenutlow: "ratstab"
thenutlow: verb: to win a small sum of money quickly and escape the table for spurious reasons

To describe what was happening here, my friend A-Ten_suited spent one afternoon sitting at a table, playing enough to win a few dollars (literally), then leave the table.  He kept saying things to me via AIM like “ffs woman leave me alone!” or “argh wife needs me again brb” every time he left the table.  Yet, he would show up at a new table 30 seconds later and do it all over again.  This went on for way too long, and TNL and I were damn near in tears watching it.  Thus, the chat above.

Sometime in 2008 a newish (and now deceased) poker site named FSG appeared.  It was one of those new generation sites with really shitty software and a tiny player base, but was “legal” because you could either play completely for free, or purchase a monthly subscription to be able to play various tournaments using points instead of cash, but could still earn cash prizes.  The main draw to the site was a $50k freeroll they were offering.  All you had to do was final table some other smaller free tournament once and you were entered in it.  Most people took advantage of this and played to just try to enter the freeroll, while there were others who practically lived on the site.  Anyway, I needed to come up with a name for the site, so I took A-Ten’s wife’s name and put a Beavis & Butthead spin on it and came up with The Great Patholio, or Patholio for short.  A typical entry into a room for me was:


Of course someone always had something to say, so I’d pull the famous line:


Remember, things are always funny when they are in caps.  You can imagine the standard response from some of these morons that don’t have a sense of humor and are there to play their free poker game seriously.  Naturally a few had some choice comments.  One day I just blurted out:


For some reason that was really funny to me, so I just started using it everywhere I could.  I even created the website which is there for your use.  Enjoy!

The first documented use of “shut up idiot” was somewhere in May or so of 2008, and documented here in this episode of Random Donk Chat:

h82bukid: lol
h82bukid: true to your name
DOKTER DONKEY: shut up idiot

Here, a good 3 years later, it still cracks me up every time I see it.  I don’t know why, and it very well could be unfunny to my readers, but since I write these entries mostly for myself, I don’t much give a shit.

From that same blog entry above I had a few encounters with a player named PhippsJ, who is one of those typical morons who thinks he knows everything and always has something to say.  Well, what’s the best response to something like that?

PhippsJ: your like the 5 foot 5 guy at the bar trying to pick fights
PhippsJ: and everyone just laughs at
DOKTER DONKEY: yup that's me
DOKTER DONKEY: except I'm 5 foot 10
DOKTER DONKEY: and have a blackbelt in dawnkeigh-do

Well no, that wasn’t it, although that’s pretty good too.  Here it is:

PhippsJ: great hand to play out of position
DOKTER DONKEY: shut up idiot

It works everywhere.  Here’s an example of how well it fits into a standard donk chat:

KeithFichas: ??
XaQ Morphy: shut up idiot
KeithFichas: ok i am a idiot but play and shut up plx
XaQ Morphy: what does plx mean?
KeithFichas: please
XaQ Morphy: oh yeah, the x is silent?
KeithFichas: are u a children?
XaQ Morphy: are u a moron?
KeithFichas: very funny
XaQ Morphy: shut up idiot

Simple, to the point, game, set, match.  Oh, and, shut up idiot.

Here’s another one.  This guy just couldn’t leave well enough alone.  We were playing 8 game on Stars, and a razz hand came up.  He had no clue what he was talking about, I won the hand, he had to say something.

poo500: nh idiot
XaQ Morphy: shut up idiot

See?  Simple, effective.  But they can’t ever sit there and just not say anything after being called an idiot.

poo500: i allways get stuck with the lucky morons in these things
XaQ Morphy: so it's everyone else?
poo500: yes u played that hand amazing
XaQ Morphy: thanks

I don’t get many compliments when I play, so I need to thank them when they do.

poo500: u were ahead all the time
poo500: i played mine really bad
poo500: ****ing clown
poo500: go learn something b4 u open ur mouth
XaQ Morphy: not sure if you know this, but razz is a 7 card game
XaQ Morphy: hey poo, I just ran the odds on that hand
XaQ Morphy: and it said after 7th street I was 100%/0%

Notice the similarities between these chats and the “nice bluff” chats.  They’ll never learn.  Never.  Which is a good thing for you guys because it means I’ll have a constant supply of material.

poo500: u were behinde the hole way
XaQ Morphy: the hole way?
poo500: ur donkey got saved and u no it
XaQ Morphy: do you mean whole way?
XaQ Morphy: care to make a wager that I wasn't behind the "whole" way?
poo500: u got lucky just shut up
poo500: why u keep going on
XaQ Morphy: say $500?
XaQ Morphy: $2k?
XaQ Morphy: $5k?
XaQ Morphy: your life?
poo500: why would o open ur mouth and start when u suck out on someone
XaQ Morphy: shut up idiot

Heh, cracks me up.  Every time.

poo500: no thats u
XaQ Morphy: you were the one with the comment
XaQ Morphy: I want to bet you though, you think I was behind the whole way
XaQ Morphy: let's put some money on it
poo500: do u allways play really bad, get lucky then start with the crap?
XaQ Morphy: yeah usually, so what of it?

Unfortunately he gave up after this.  Maybe he realized he couldn’t possibly win, maybe he was busy frantically writing notes on how big of a donk I was, maybe he looked up the hand in question and realized he was completely wrong, or maybe his mom took his computer away.

Finally we have another encounter with the clueless.  In the poker hand prior to this chat, conboy1969 was all-in, I called and someone else called, on the flop the other guy shoves with no hand, no draw and conboy1969 wins the pot.  Naturally I would have won if he hadn’t bet, but that’s ok, I’m used to those by now.  I start out innocently enough, with the comment to the other player:

XaQ Morphy: good bet there sparky
conboy1969: tanks
XaQ Morphy: yeah you should thank him
conboy1969: falk you dont tell me what to do

Sigh, here we go.  I wasn’t even talking to this moron and he chimes in with this.  Now let’s see, what possible answer could I use to reply to him?  Hmmm, maybe…nah, that’s too obvious, well yeah fuck it, bonzai!

XaQ Morphy: shut up idiot
conboy1969: yankee goof
XaQ Morphy: canadian, uhh, canadian
conboy1969: special
XaQ Morphy: who the hell are you talking to?
conboy1969: you donk
XaQ Morphy: ok then you're too stupid for me to understand, sorry

Seriously, I have no clue wtf he’s talking about.  He’s asking me if I’m my boyfriend?  Uhhh, righty-o.

conboy1969: nc house prices down there

Well there’s certainly an insult that strikes close to, uhhh, home.  Waiting for the “sticks and stones” line any minute here.

conboy1969: might bye 3 more next week
XaQ Morphy: bye?
XaQ Morphy: how about you buy yourself a high school education?
conboy1969: got 1
conboy1969: do you
conboy1969: sorry kicked out i kindergarden
conboy1969: in

So he spells every other word wrong and corrects “in.”  Brilliant.  Meanwhile I beat him in a hand where I was behind and caught up to bust him (shit happens, what can I say.  If luck weren’t involved I’d lose every one).

conboy1969: lol
XaQ Morphy: canadian goof
conboy1969: lmao
Dealer: conboy1969 finished the tournament in 10th place
XaQ Morphy: gg wp nh ul

Ahh yes the optimal parting gift:  “good game, well played, nice hand, unluck”.  These were the Fifty/50 sit and gos on Stars.  10 people, top 5 get paid based on chip count.  He finished in a respectable 10th out of well, 10.  About 30 minutes later he showed up in another one I was in.

conboy1969: hey xaq you huge donk
XaQ Morphy: who are you?
conboy1969: carefull who you falk with xaq donk
XaQ Morphy: oh noes
XaQ Morphy: conboy is gonna stupid me to death
conboy1969: about an hour agao shouldnt be too hard
XaQ Morphy: conboy, I'm bored, say something stupid
conboy1969: carefull I said donk
XaQ Morphy: shut up idiot

Weird thing here, he did shut up!  Are they finally learning?  Well, I doubt that.  But until next time, see if you can find creative uses for shut up idiot, and send them to me.  I know with the whole online poker fiasco most of you aren’t playing anymore, but if you can find ways to fit that into every day conversations, send them to me and I’ll be sure to post them.

Yours Donkily,


1 comment:

Diputsur said...

Shut up, idiot.