Saturday, June 28, 2008

Random Donk Chat

Hello Manifestites! Ahh, it's summertime. Time for the great outdoors, air conditioning, sunburn, kids screaming in the backyard pool, bugs, and the humidity. Oh the humidity! It's also about time that I stop fucking around with my poker game and do something somewhat serious. Yes folks, it's roll building time!

Thanks to our wonderful soon-to-be communist government and their UIEGALMNOPWTFSOL law that they passed, the financial side of the online poker world has been turned upside down. Neteller stopped serving US customers, and many of us cashed out our rolls and have been screwing around since then with no real bankroll to play on. It's a very tough grind coming up from quarter and dollar levels to try and play for anything meaningful. It's just too easy to say "hell, it's only $500, see if I can double it up quick" and dump it all on one table hoping to get lucky (that is, not get KK vs. a flush draw), then end up quitting poker again out of disgust. I do have to say, I have the most experience at quitting poker than anyone I know! So I'm happy to say that at least for the time being, I'm out of the true donk levels and am working up a nice roll.

Of course the trip through the land of the donk is a tough one, and on a site like Bodog, can be a true test of patience and willpower. Add to that the Bodog bug that allows you to bypass the swear filter, and it can be well, more fun than it should be. The following are various random chats that I've had over the last 2 months or so while rebuilding. I save them to a text file in case I might ever use them or just get a laugh out of them. Time to clear out the file and share it with my faithful readers (and all you idiots who read this out of sheer hatred towards me so you can post on RGP how pathetic I am. There's a special place in my heart for you morons). Here we go!

In the hand prior to this chat, I had 64 on the BB in a NLHE game, checked preflop, no one bet on the flop, hit trip 4s on the turn and busted some idiot who couldn't bet top pair:

hartdog63: omg sick call
armorbill: how do you even stay for flop with 6 4
armorbill: yea
DOKTER DONKEY: well sparky, it's like this
DOKTER DONKEY: no one raised
DOKTER DONKEY: and I was on the big blind
DOKTER DONKEY: so I hit the button labeled check and WHAMMO, the flop was dealt
DOKTER DONKEY: pretty incredible huh?
armorbill: sorry d i c k
Duck12: that is the ******est comment i've ever heard
Duck12: don't do that again
Duck12: i feel gay just reading it
DOKTER DONKEY: well I'm sorry, ask a retarded question, get a retarded answer
Duck12: yeah armor don't ask retarded questions
DOKTER DONKEY: it's very likely he can't help himself
armorbill: he even stayed after flop
DOKTER DONKEY: you mean when it checked around and no one bet?
DOKTER DONKEY: pretty fuckin hard to imagine I didn't fold, isn't it?
armorbill: what an *******
armorbill: yep
DOKTER DONKEY: I'd rather be an asshole than a complete fuckin idiot such as yourself
armorbill: you are
DOKTER DONKEY: and so are you sir

Ahh yes, the truly clueless at work. This next one is a great example of how acting like you're mad gets people to lose IQ points as they dig themselves deeper into the stupidity that is their own mind. It starts out innocent enough:

DOKTER DONKEY: it's a wonder alright
DOKTER DONKEY: fuckin idiot
onedaywonder: lol
onedaywonder: who

Sigh, they never will get it will they? This was a PLO hand where I held the Ace of whatever 3 suits were on the board. I made a pot bet on the river knowing that they can't have the nuts because I have their card. Naturally that doesn't stop them from getting in with the 17th nuts or whatever this idiot had. Note that throughout this chat I'm actually laughing my ass off, and I bet he thinks I'm about to go on a neighborhood shooting spree:

onedaywonder: u make a terrible play and get mad at me
onedaywonder: now thats funny
DOKTER DONKEY: ahh yes, and the guy calling with the 9 high flush made the good play?
DOKTER DONKEY: and I'm not mad
onedaywonder: it was obvious u did not have a flush
DOKTER DONKEY: just merely calling you a fucking idiot
onedaywonder: u would have bet it on the turn
DOKTER DONKEY: why would I do that?
onedaywonder: well if i'm an idiot what does that make u
onedaywonder: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: good question
onedaywonder: i guess u are re.tarded then
onedaywonder: lol but stay mad i find it hilarious
DOKTER DONKEY: I'm not mad you fuckin dipshit
onedaywonder: yes u are u made a terrible poker play and instead of owning up to it all u can do is take it out on
onedaywonder: me
onedaywonder: sad and pathetic
onedaywonder: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: I knew you didn't have the nuts
DOKTER DONKEY: so I made a bet that someone with half a brain could never call
DOKTER DONKEY: which leaves you where?
onedaywonder: and i knew i had u beat
onedaywonder: thats why i called
onedaywonder: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: no, you knew you had a 9 high flush, and likely the drool all over your keyboard proves it
onedaywonder: your bet was obvious u don'tbet the pot if u have the flush
onedaywonder: u make a value bet
DOKTER DONKEY: I'll keep that in mind
DOKTER DONKEY: ty for the tip
onedaywonder: u lost u made a bad read get over it
onedaywonder: u have already refilled atleast twice now
onedaywonder: that says all we need to know about u
DOKTER DONKEY: there's plenty more where this came from
onedaywonder: stop crying
onedaywonder: try another hobby
onedaywonder: maybe spades suits u
onedaywonder: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: care to play headsup for your roll there champ?
DOKTER DONKEY: all 77.35 of it?
onedaywonder: since there are no heads up tables i say no
onedaywonder: lol
onedaywonder: and now i only have 77 b/c i beat u in a hand
DOKTER DONKEY: no one is sitting on 10/20 on table Atlanta
onedaywonder: your anger has gotten the best of u
DOKTER DONKEY: I'll put 1k up against yours
onedaywonder: lol
onedaywonder: what does 1k have to do with our conversation anyway
onedaywonder: u lost
DOKTER DONKEY: I'm sitting
onedaywonder: u made a bad play
onedaywonder: it happens
onedaywonder: calm down
DOKTER DONKEY: come join me champ
DOKTER DONKEY: still waitign
onedaywonder: lol i never said u were out of cash just the fact that u've had to refill twice already is
onedaywonder: an indication of how u play
onedaywonder: and u will be waiting a long time if u think i'm gonna sit down and play for 1k

Whew! I'm the worst headsup player in the world, so this idiot just passed up on a free $1000. Sure am glad he didn't sit down, or well, you guys wouldn't be reading this.

onedaywonder: lol but it obviously makes u feel good to be there
DOKTER DONKEY: make a bad call, win $10, talk shit, and can't back it up
onedaywonder: if u are such a high roller then calm down i made a great call and u are so upset over u can't say
DOKTER DONKEY: I'm not upset, I already said that sparky
onedaywonder: nh and move on u got to your panties in a wad
onedaywonder: its sad
onedaywonder: yeah u are not upset u just felt the need to call me out
onedaywonder: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: yes, you're a fuckin idiot
DOKTER DONKEY: do we need to go over this again?
onedaywonder: lol
onedaywonder: take a deep breath
DOKTER DONKEY: take notes or something, try to keep up
onedaywonder: maybe go walk around outside
onedaywonder: cool off
DOKTER DONKEY: now why the hell would I want to do that
onedaywonder: b/c u are upset no matter how many times u deny it
onedaywonder: lol
onedaywonder: take a deep breath
onedaywonder: smoke some dope
DOKTER DONKEY: man you idiots have no sense of humor
onedaywonder: this is just a 50 dollar table pro
onedaywonder: relax
DOKTER DONKEY: only an idiot would want an opponent he thinks is on tilt to relax
onedaywonder: no u are calling everyone at the table an idiot
onedaywonder: wow
DOKTER DONKEY: therefore you are a fuckin idiot
onedaywonder: lol
onedaywonder: i'm here to pass thetime
onedaywonder: not trying to pay my bills
DOKTER DONKEY: I would hope not
onedaywonder: when someone makes a great call against me i say nh
onedaywonder: i dont cry about it forever
DOKTER DONKEY: if you were to make a great call I would have no problem saying nh
onedaywonder: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: I'm sure you'll get your chance
onedaywonder: u got outplayed
onedaywonder: just accept it
onedaywonder: move on
DOKTER DONKEY: but when you make a call like that, it's not nh
onedaywonder: don't get so upset
onedaywonder: u tried to buy the pot
onedaywonder: it was obvious
DOKTER DONKEY: I made a bet that any thinking player would fold to
onedaywonder: i guress your fragile ego got damaged
onedaywonder: sorry i called
onedaywonder: i would have folded if i knew it would upset u like this
DOKTER DONKEY: you should be!
onedaywonder: lol
onedaywonder: i must say i have enjoyed making fun of u tho
DOKTER DONKEY: you what now?
onedaywonder: i don't really like to embarrass people but u deservef it i guess
DOKTER DONKEY: you have a lot of work to do if you think that was making fun of someone
onedaywonder: see u around donkey
DOKTER DONKEY: run away with your monster profit
onedaywonder: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: go upstairs and brag to your mom about your big win
onedaywonder: relax take a deep breath
onedaywonder: u will feel better
DOKTER DONKEY: you don't get it do you?
DOKTER DONKEY: what an idiot
DOKTER DONKEY: so how are the rest of you idiots doing tonight?

Well that was fun. A few days later I sit down at some table, and the first thing I see is this:

doug11667: i know this riiged ****** gonna win
doug11667: ****er prolly plays 4 bodog
doug11667: *** you
doug11667: rigged site bot
V47Y5: nh
doug11667: not playing this s ass s no more
doug11667: blo me
V47Y5: we'll miss you

Well I couldn't resist joining in, so I decided to throw in a few lines here:

DOKTER DONKEY: look, a talking bot!
V47Y5: as will my bankroll
doug11667: i tell efgveery one bodog rigged
DOKTER DONKEY: I don't think efgveery one will believe you
doug11667: come to baltimore birtch ]
doug11667: i bweat the shii to oua your ass
doug11667: muthhha ***er
doug11667: leave you bleeding in the street
doug11667: punk ass *****
doug11667: I light your dog on fire
doug11667: and chop his head off
V47Y5: why would i want to come to baltimore if you were going to "bweat the shii oua" my ass?
doug11667: take you that long to respond who re e
doug11667: little ****
doug11667: c uu n t
doug11667: hope they pauy well in china
doug11667: little *****
doug11667: ch iin k

Well well, someone has some anger management issues. Whereas in the chat before this it should have been obvious that I was just stringing the guy along, there's a real possibility that this guy is going to go break every crayon in his crayon box after this episode. About two weeks after the chat above (remember, when he said he would never play there again), I saw him on a table:

DOKTER DONKEY: what's your name?
doug11667: doug
DOKTER DONKEY: hi doug, very nice to meet you
doug11667: ya u too
DOKTER DONKEY: you aren't gonna light my dog on fire if I beat you are you?
doug11667: hmmmmm
doug11667: was that u

My guess is he's still on the site somewhere, losing money and lighting things on fire. Hope he has some fireproof dog food!

This next donkerlude happened at a PLO table. Nothing like using the chat as your personal venting area. This guy has some issues for sure:

eligatorblood: play holdem..this game is like flipping coins
Batence: i know
Batence: but in holdem
Batence: i get even worst beats
Batence: these days
Batence: its a ****in joke
Batence: 2-3 outers there
Batence: crack my hands
Batence: today
Batence: i push all in
Batence: no i get one ****** to push all in with 9 6 off suit
Batence: and i have kings
Batence: and i have a flush draw and a better hand
Batence: everything mate
Batence: and at the river he caught 6
Batence: the non spade 6
Batence: bodog is seriously ****ing with me
Batence: lately
Batence: and i just want to break even
DOKTER DONKEY: a lofty goal indeed
Batence: if the people didn't get so lucky on me
Batence: i would actually be quite ahead
DOKTER DONKEY: funny how that works
Batence: here the worst hand wins

Unfortunately he took my little snipe remarks to mean "hi, I want to be your friend forever, please share all of your bad beat stories with me." Well fuck that, let's see if I can annoy the shit outta him:

Batence: the other day man
Batence: i am in a tourney
DOKTER DONKEY: right now?
Batence: i push all in AA against KK 10 10 and AQ
Batence: the AQ won
Batence: with 4 cards to a flush
DOKTER DONKEY: did you win it?
Batence: i hit my ace by the way
DOKTER DONKEY: how much did you win?
Batence: no
Batence: i had a set of AA
DOKTER DONKEY: you know a flush beats a set right?
Batence: yeah
Batence: but mate
Batence: he caught 4 cards
Batence: he had AQ
Batence: not suited
DOKTER DONKEY: well holdem is a 7 card game you know
DOKTER DONKEY: you get 2 hole cards
Batence: against AA KK I TT
DOKTER DONKEY: and there are 5 community cards that all players share
DOKTER DONKEY: and you make up your best 5 card hand from a combination of those cards
Batence: whatever man

Seems like that did the trick. "Whatever man." Hmm, wonder if he learned that from my 8 year old?

Batence: i hope for once i will get lucky with the worst hand
Batence: just once
eligatorblood: should happen eventually
Batence: because people are doing it to me all the time
nigmeplz: if u play bad u will lose more
Batence: i losse with the best hand EVERY TIME
DOKTER DONKEY: not really the strategy you should be going for
Batence: what strategy shoud i be going for mate
DOKTER DONKEY: well I think I speak for all of us when I say one that involves much less whining

And that was that. The rest of these are just various short clips:

maclindoors: such a set up hand
DOKTER DONKEY: yah the biggest part of the setup was making you call a raise with 4 high

This next one was a hand I posted to RGP. I had T9, flop 978, he shoves KK in for a 4x the pot bet, I call, river my straight, and bust him. I couldn't think of anything better to say, so this was it:

h82bukid: lol
h82bukid: true to your name
DOKTER DONKEY: shut up idiot

Here's two random chats from a guy who really has some issues. These happened a few weeks apart:

PhippsJ: well i guess we know who the table idiot is here
DOKTER DONKEY: the guy who has filled up the chat talking to himself?
DOKTER DONKEY: or the guy whining about a bad beat?
GonzagaJere: I know! The guy with a small stack!
DOKTER DONKEY: I was in the pool!!!

PhippsJ: your like the 5 foot 5 guy at the bar trying to pick fights
PhippsJ: and everyone just laughs at
DOKTER DONKEY: yup that's me
DOKTER DONKEY: except I'm 5 foot 10
DOKTER DONKEY: and have a blackbelt in dawnkeigh-do

Random comment:

drb64: you pros must be bored being on a small dollar table like this
DOKTER DONKEY: I like to watch retards frolic in their natural environment

This next one was interesting. The player here is a regular at $2/$4 NL and up, and while I don't think he's the greatest player, I used play him fairly regularly a year ago or so and he sure seemed like a winning player to me. One day he shows up on a 50c/$1 PLO table and is playing like a true idiot, so I had to ask him wtf was going on. Needless to say the chat was destined to end the way it did:

DOKTER DONKEY: lol well done there champ
DOKTER DONKEY: was gonna ask why you aren't playing 300 max anymore, but now I know
chump_status: this is his chick
DOKTER DONKEY: you must be really good looking

This next fucker kept posting $3 big blinds and would time out when the action got to him, folding his hand. At least he was honest:

DOKTER DONKEY: hey threeaaas, how much have you lost so far by posting a blind and timing out?
ThreeAAAs: my fault man
ThreeAAAs: 10 dollars

I have no clue what this is in reference to:

grobux: i had 22
DOKTER DONKEY: if you had 22 that was the worst raise in the history of the last 3 hands

And finally, against a typical "maybe if I bet more he'll fold" player...I was in the $2 small blind with J3 and called $1 since the odds were plenty. Flop was AQJ84 and I check/called bets that got bigger on every street. I somehow managed to beat my opponent's 3 high. How did I know, you may ask? Easy, and remember, TYPING IN ALL CAPS MAKES THINGS LOOK FUNNY:

The Nubster: lol
The Nubster: nice call

That's all for now. Until next time!

Yours Donkily,



Donkey said...

Hey, I was wondering if you have anything useful on your site for us donks? Or is it just a bunch of babble about how bad you play and lose your temper?

XaQ Morphy said...

"Hey, I was wondering if you have anything useful on your site for us donks? Or is it just a bunch of babble about how bad you play and lose your temper?"

Nope, that's pretty much it. Glad you liked it!


causty said...

every time i come to this site i laugh so hard i start to cry.

Publius said...

Reading your posts over the years reinforced my belief: always turn the chat box off.