Donkeys, ATMs, and 3%

For some reason lately my poker playing has slowly migrated from SNG's (1 table tournaments), to cash games. My game of choice is a max $100 buyin, 6 handed game with blinds of 50c and $1. There have been many donkey sightings at these tables, but since I'm trying to NOT make this a poker blog, I've been refraining. Last night I had a very strange/good situation come up, so I decided to write about it. For those of you who are too important to read stories about low level poker, skip this story.

Ok, for both of you still reading this, I had a strange 6 max table last night. On my right was a total rock. Weak/passive, played his big hands strong, and basically was easy to read. 2 seats to my left was the donkey ATM. This guy liked any face card, any 2 suits, umm, any 2 cards, had no concept of position, and thought poker was all about bluffing. He loved to bluff, but did it in a controlled manner, in that he usually only tried one bluff per pot. He also basically told anyone that was paying attention what his cards were based on his bets. And he loved top pair on the flop, regardless of the kicker. There was a good chance this donkey was drunk and just throwing around money for fun. There was also a good chance this donkey was just a donkey. From where I stood, I didn't care.

So, for 3 hours, a pattern followed. Donkey ATM would suck out and bust one of the other 3 players, and the rock and I would alternate taking chips from the Donkey. The Donkey called almost every raise, and made it known that no one was to raise his blinds. He also tried all sorts of crazy bluffs, but would only bluff once. So, if you called him, and he checked to you, a bet on the next street won the pot 99% of the time. If he check-raised, it was an obvious huge hand, and easy to get away from, unless you were one of the other 3 at the table who seemed to come in, go bust in 10 mins, then take off without saying a word (losing bots indeed!).

So I learned a lot of things about observing opponents and all, but had a problem. This Donkey ATM was going to go bust eventually. I didn't want this to happen. I wanted him to keep taking money from the others so I could slowly feed on him. I didn't want my main game to be against the rock. So, I invented a new move. It seemed like he loved calling raises from everyone but the rock, but seemed to understand some rudimentary pot odds. So, if the rock raised, occasionally I would call with nothing on the button. This gave the SB better odds to call, and the BB (ATM) even better odds to call, and any EP limpers even better odds to call. Most of the time neither the rock nor I would win the pot, but it created all sorts of neat scenarios between the Donkey ATM and the other players. There also was a hand where the Donkey ATM called a raise from the rock with K7, Flop K73, and he nearly doubles through the rock's AK.

So this went on for 2 hours. The table chatter was friendly, with little to no chat from the Donkey ATM. The rock and I talked about different hands, players after they left, and I got the chance to tell an up and coming player (ie, someone begging for money) that taco bell would be happy to stake him.

Until...the table fuckwit gets to the table. Within a few hands, fuckwit loses a hand to Donkey, and starts berating him. Immediately, Donkey ATM starts moving in preflop, or betting crazy on the flop. I knew that the ATM was about to go bust. I tried saying a few things to fuckwit, but fuckwit wouldn't have anything of it. He insisted the guy was a moron, and insisted on telling the entire table about it. This was bad. For those of you who think it's a bad thing to play against donkeys, you will be on this blog soon. Do NOT chase the donkeys away, as you can see from the story above, they can be a constant source of money.

So, I decided I had to do something. I either had to bust fuckwit myself, or have someone other than the Donkey ATM bust fuckwit. It was clear to me that if fuckwit and Donkey ATM got in a hand together that, regardless of the winner, Donkey ATM would be leaving the table. This is known as A Bad Thing (tm). Then this hand comes up:

XaQ Morphy: Ks Ah

At this table, I didn't really like playing "big" hands. This may sound counter intuitive, but drawing hands were big on this table, and against the Donkey ATM, I really could (and did) have any 2 cards to take a pot away from him. I thought about flat calling with this hand, but decided that maybe there would be a chance where I could get into a big hand with the Donkey ATM, lose some money to him, and get him to calm down so he could stay for a while.

So I raised to $3.50, and one player and the Donkey ATM called.

Flop (board: 2c Jc Ac)

Ummm, not the flop I wanted. Top pair, top kicker is worth nothing on this flop with this table makeup. So I bet out, $9. I figure I'll either take the pot right there, or one of the other players (hopefully the Donkey ATM) raises me and I can fold to him. But instead, something strange happened. Donkey ATM raised allin, and I read the numbers wrong and thought it was much less to call than it really was. I thought it was only $17 more to call, which would make it a bad move math-wise for me to fold here (at least if anyone is paying attention). Instead, it was $27 more to call, which I didn't realize until after the pot. So, knowing he had to have at least 2 pair here (with J2 being a definite possibility), I called, hoping to give him some money and keep him in the game longer. Instead...

Donkey ATM shows 9c 6c

Hey, he has the flush, and I'm less than 3% to win. I now notice the pot size and how much I put in, and wasn't all that happy about my move to keep the Donkey ATM in the game. That is, until...

River (board: 2c Jc Ac As 2h)

Donkey ATM shows 9c 6c
Donkey ATM has 9c 6c 2c Jc Ac: flush, ace high

XaQ Morphy shows Ks Ah
XaQ Morphy has Ah 2c Ac As 2h: full house, aces full of deuces

As expected, Donkey ATM immediately leaves the table. I certainly didn't mind the $85 pot, but really wanted him to stay around. Unfortunately, fuckwit still didn't get why it was A Good Thing (tm) to have Donkey ATM at the table. So before I left the table, I told fuckwit exactly how much of a fuckwit I thought he was. He still didn't get it, and I doubt he ever will. No doubt he'll show up on the blog in the future.

On a side note, for anyone wondering: recovery is going well, and I'm expected to be cleared to drive and go back to work in a week. I'm getting most of the movement in my head/neck back, and things are progressing well. Until next time!

Morphy