Happy Donk Years everyone!
2006 has is here, and to bring in the new year, I have a nice case of pneumonia! Other than that, things are going well. I somehow survived 2005 and am ready for a new year full of donkey sightings.
This one comes to us from my local cable internet provider, and isn't the greatest entry, but remember, quantity over quality, and in case you haven't notice, we've been lacking in both lately. I won't give their name here, but it rhymes with Toad Gunner. I have had nothing but troubles dealing with the complete donkeys that work for this company, but since the connection has been good, I haven't looked at moving my service somewhere else.
So of course for the last 3 weeks or so I've been having connectivity problems in the evenings, where my internet connection would just drop. A simple DHCP renew brings back the connection, and it doesn't seem to happen with any regularity. It went away for a few weeks, but came back this week. So I went to Toad Gunner's support page and checked their network status.
Sure enough, under "Internet Connectivity" the status is Red, which stands for unplanned event/outage. The standard "...subscribers in this area may have problems...we apologize for any inconvenience..." message is listed. Then I notice the affected area, which is listed as WICONSON. I wasn't aware that the name of our state was so hard to spell, but I figured who knows, maybe the support company that is located in a small island in the Pacific somewhere isn't familiar with the spellings of each individual state, especially the ones with more than 3 letters. I decided to bring up their support chat page, so I can be told by a support donk that they can't help me and that I have to call another support donk to fix the problem. But that requires effort, and all I'm looking for is information as to why their internet connectivity for my state (or WICONSON, whatever the hell that is) has been an issue for almost a month now.
Here's a transcript of the chat, with my comments inserted:
XaQMorphy has entered the chat room [note: not my real name]
Chris H: Thank you for choosing Toad Gunner Technical Chat. My name is Chris H. , could I have the first and last name, and the phone number with the area code of the account holder please?
XaQMorphy: XaQ Morphy 414-555-1212
Chris H: Thank you. With whom am I speaking currently?
[OK, so I'll let him go on this one. He probably has a section of things he just copies/pastes into the window, and I'm sure he has to see "BigBoy420" and "FluffieBunny" all day long. He gets a pass here.]
XaQMorphy: I've been having intermittent problems with my internet connection dropping, for the past few weeks. Today I checked the network status page and see a Red status for WICONSON that dates back almost a month. Can I assume this is for Wisconsin ? What is the status of this issue, and when can I expect it to be resolved?
Chris H: We have no technical issues listed for your area. That network status page is updated by the local office. When you lose your connection do any of the lights on the cable modem turn off or start flashing?
The rest of the chat went as expected, with him telling me I had to contact the support line, but I had to wait until I lost my connection before I called. But wait, what was that he said? "That network status page is updated by the local office." Huh? The local office, which is located in Milwaukee, WISCONSIN? Milwaukee, as in the biggest city in WISCONSIN? Are you telling me that the person responsible for updating the network status page that can potentially be seen by tens if not hundreds of thousands of customers, the donkey who LIVES IN WISCONSIN, can't spell the name of the freaking state he/she lives in? Shit, even Microsoft Word can figure out that "WICONSON" should be "WISCONSIN," and look at all the possible donkey blog entries that company could create.
Come on people. I fear for my childrens' futures. This donkey somehow managed to get through filling out a job application and passing an interview to get hired by this company. Granted, they are in an entry-level customer service job, but what freaking donkey can't spell the name of the damn state they live in? Even the biggest donkey redneck can still figure out how to spell Alabamer, or Kintucky, but come on, this isn't very hard here!
Hey, ummm, fellow Manifestites, do me a favor...email me at xaqmorphy@gmail.com or post a comment to this thread and tell Mukwrm to get off his ass, send me the pictures, and post his blog entry from his adventures in Kingman, Arizona. I promise this one will bring a good laugh. Until next time!
Morphy
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Happy Donkey Holidays!
Thanks to all that have wished us well during the last month or so. Things have been tough, but we're pulling through. With that, I announce my somewhat non-spectacular return to posting, and what better time of year for me to start than the Donkey Holidays! Pull up a chair and let me tell you various stories inspired by holiday donkness. Yes, this is the time of the year that most people can't think straight and wind up doing all sorts of donkey-like activities. That means that the real donkeys are even worse, if you can even begin to imagine such a thing.
We'll start with my quest for a new TV. After doing a bunch of research, and with a lot of help from a good friend from RGP, I knew what I was looking for. I have a strange built-in entertainment center, so I had a to keep things to a certain size that wasn't very universal. We packed the kids up, went to Circuit City, and after chasing the kids around the store for a half hour and taking some measurements, we decided the 42" Philips plasma TV was the one for us. However, we didn't buy it there, because the price on the website was quite a bit less, and the web site prominently displayed a "free shipping" option for this particular TV.
So the last day of the sale comes along, and I log onto Donkey City's web site. I choose the TV, get the credit card all ready, then run into a snag. By "free shipping" they really mean "you come and pick this big ass TV up yourself." Well, that wasn't too bad, since the store isn't that far from us. But no, it's only available in a store 200 miles away, in another state. Great! I then decide to call Donkey City up, and speak to the same salesman that I talked to when we went into the store. Remember, we looked at this TV on the wall, had him take measurements of it, talked about wall mounting it, and all sorts of stuff. He said that they were out of stock, they haven't had any in for quite some time, and don't expect to receive any for at least 2-3 weeks. Great, thanks a lot donkey boy!
My quest was not to go unfulfilled, however. I started surfing around, and wound up on Sears.com. Sears had the same TV for a few hundred dollars cheaper. Plus, no interest financing for 18 months. Now that's what I'm talking about. I have 18 months to pay this thing off with poker money before the wife has my head. Awesome! So I place the order, decide to not have it shipped to me for $50, because I can pick it up at the local store. I get the measurements for the TV, figure out a little extra for shipping, and then decide how to get it home. I talked to my mom, who inherited my grandpa's big ass Cadillac, and after realizing the back seat was bigger than my first apartment, we figured it had to fit in there.
Last night, off to Sears we go. The guy brings out a tape measure after hearing it's going into a Cadillac, and I see the measurements of the box, which clearly state 37". He measures around in the inside of the door, and gets measurements of 39" all around, then declares "nope, it won't fit." I tried explaining that something 37" high should fit through a 39" opening, but he refused, and I was out of luck because I wasn't about to try this on my own, and their policy is to refuse to release the item unless they can put it into a vehicle themselves. So, we are off to speak to a sales rep to have the TV delivered.
Fast forward 45 freaking minutes. I now have returned the existing TV and purchased a new one. Since it's gone on sale in the last 3 days, I also received $100 back. So we're almost set. After 6 trips back to wherever the hell he kept going, my sales donkey (more on this in a bit) finally has all the paperwork figured out. He has a copy of the receipt for me, all the information for delivery, a delivery date, and we're about ready to go. He decides to write down his cell number in case I have any questions. So he writes his number, and below it wrote, and I quote, "Sales Ass". Wow, did I really see that? Yup, sure did! Now the sales donkey needs to figure out how long my interest free financing goes to. The deal they had was for 18 months. So he writes down 12/13/05 after asking me what date it is. Then he says, "ok, so 12 months from that is..." and he writes down 12/13/06. Then he says "oh man, I wish I had a calendar here, ummm, so if that's 12 months, 18 months is, ummm...man, where's the calendar" so I say "June 2007" and he says "hmmm, well, ok, I'll trust you because I honestly don't know." So there we have it. Math = hard, especially when it comes to figuring out how many months are in a year. With any luck I won't have another entry to post about this TV!
Next we have a short bit that I overheard at work today. The conversation went something like this:
Person1: "Hey, when's that baby due, February?"
Pregnant Woman: "Oh, God no, it's only 6 more weeks!"
Pregnant Woman a few minutes later: "yep, 6 weeks from tomorrow. I hope he comes this year though, so I get the tax break, but I think we'll be cutting it close!"
Yep, math = hard.
I'm hoping to have some donkeys on wheels stories for everyone. We're getting hit by a snow storm pretty much every week now but surprisingly enough, the donkeys on wheels so far haven't been too bad. I have witnessed quite a few donkeys trying to "be the deer," that is, putting their brakes on and just staring straight ahead, unable to comprehend what is going on around them, but nothing that has been worthy of a separate entry.
So, until next time, enjoy, and have a happy Donkey Holiday Season!
Morphy
We'll start with my quest for a new TV. After doing a bunch of research, and with a lot of help from a good friend from RGP, I knew what I was looking for. I have a strange built-in entertainment center, so I had a to keep things to a certain size that wasn't very universal. We packed the kids up, went to Circuit City, and after chasing the kids around the store for a half hour and taking some measurements, we decided the 42" Philips plasma TV was the one for us. However, we didn't buy it there, because the price on the website was quite a bit less, and the web site prominently displayed a "free shipping" option for this particular TV.
So the last day of the sale comes along, and I log onto Donkey City's web site. I choose the TV, get the credit card all ready, then run into a snag. By "free shipping" they really mean "you come and pick this big ass TV up yourself." Well, that wasn't too bad, since the store isn't that far from us. But no, it's only available in a store 200 miles away, in another state. Great! I then decide to call Donkey City up, and speak to the same salesman that I talked to when we went into the store. Remember, we looked at this TV on the wall, had him take measurements of it, talked about wall mounting it, and all sorts of stuff. He said that they were out of stock, they haven't had any in for quite some time, and don't expect to receive any for at least 2-3 weeks. Great, thanks a lot donkey boy!
My quest was not to go unfulfilled, however. I started surfing around, and wound up on Sears.com. Sears had the same TV for a few hundred dollars cheaper. Plus, no interest financing for 18 months. Now that's what I'm talking about. I have 18 months to pay this thing off with poker money before the wife has my head. Awesome! So I place the order, decide to not have it shipped to me for $50, because I can pick it up at the local store. I get the measurements for the TV, figure out a little extra for shipping, and then decide how to get it home. I talked to my mom, who inherited my grandpa's big ass Cadillac, and after realizing the back seat was bigger than my first apartment, we figured it had to fit in there.
Last night, off to Sears we go. The guy brings out a tape measure after hearing it's going into a Cadillac, and I see the measurements of the box, which clearly state 37". He measures around in the inside of the door, and gets measurements of 39" all around, then declares "nope, it won't fit." I tried explaining that something 37" high should fit through a 39" opening, but he refused, and I was out of luck because I wasn't about to try this on my own, and their policy is to refuse to release the item unless they can put it into a vehicle themselves. So, we are off to speak to a sales rep to have the TV delivered.
Fast forward 45 freaking minutes. I now have returned the existing TV and purchased a new one. Since it's gone on sale in the last 3 days, I also received $100 back. So we're almost set. After 6 trips back to wherever the hell he kept going, my sales donkey (more on this in a bit) finally has all the paperwork figured out. He has a copy of the receipt for me, all the information for delivery, a delivery date, and we're about ready to go. He decides to write down his cell number in case I have any questions. So he writes his number, and below it wrote, and I quote, "Sales Ass". Wow, did I really see that? Yup, sure did! Now the sales donkey needs to figure out how long my interest free financing goes to. The deal they had was for 18 months. So he writes down 12/13/05 after asking me what date it is. Then he says, "ok, so 12 months from that is..." and he writes down 12/13/06. Then he says "oh man, I wish I had a calendar here, ummm, so if that's 12 months, 18 months is, ummm...man, where's the calendar" so I say "June 2007" and he says "hmmm, well, ok, I'll trust you because I honestly don't know." So there we have it. Math = hard, especially when it comes to figuring out how many months are in a year. With any luck I won't have another entry to post about this TV!
Next we have a short bit that I overheard at work today. The conversation went something like this:
Person1: "Hey, when's that baby due, February?"
Pregnant Woman: "Oh, God no, it's only 6 more weeks!"
Pregnant Woman a few minutes later: "yep, 6 weeks from tomorrow. I hope he comes this year though, so I get the tax break, but I think we'll be cutting it close!"
Yep, math = hard.
I'm hoping to have some donkeys on wheels stories for everyone. We're getting hit by a snow storm pretty much every week now but surprisingly enough, the donkeys on wheels so far haven't been too bad. I have witnessed quite a few donkeys trying to "be the deer," that is, putting their brakes on and just staring straight ahead, unable to comprehend what is going on around them, but nothing that has been worthy of a separate entry.
So, until next time, enjoy, and have a happy Donkey Holiday Season!
Morphy
Thursday, December 01, 2005
More Donkeys and Wheels
Today's entry brings us 2 stories dealing with donkeys and wheels, and one of them is quite literally that.
The first comes from Manifestite and RGPer Welshman:
http://tinyurl.com/brs3w (telegraph.co.uk)
So, what we have here is a speed trap. In many places, speed traps are automated. If a driver passes a speed trap moving at a rate of speed determined to be illegal, a camera goes off, takes a picture of their license plate, and sends them a ticket.
Here we have a particularly fast-driving donkey that was hit 4 times by the same speed trap in 1 minute 37 seconds. Now, I wasn't aware of it, but I don't believe there were any donkey races scheduled in Brussels last month.
The next article is, quite literally, a donkey story:
http://tinyurl.com/9ehr2 (ananova.com)
This one is amazing, and I wish I could find more details on it. I'm not even sure how many donkeys were in this story. First we have a group of kids who managed to steal a safe from a local hospital. I'm not sure how that is possible, but I'll just assume it happened. Next, they decided to use a donkey-driven cart to make their escape. Finally, we have the police, who were "unable to keep up with the donkey." ?!?!?!?!
I have a feeling that the actual donkey here is the only one that doesn't really deserve this title!
Until next time,
Morphy
The first comes from Manifestite and RGPer Welshman:
http://tinyurl.com/brs3w (telegraph.co.uk)
So, what we have here is a speed trap. In many places, speed traps are automated. If a driver passes a speed trap moving at a rate of speed determined to be illegal, a camera goes off, takes a picture of their license plate, and sends them a ticket.
Here we have a particularly fast-driving donkey that was hit 4 times by the same speed trap in 1 minute 37 seconds. Now, I wasn't aware of it, but I don't believe there were any donkey races scheduled in Brussels last month.
The next article is, quite literally, a donkey story:
http://tinyurl.com/9ehr2 (ananova.com)
This one is amazing, and I wish I could find more details on it. I'm not even sure how many donkeys were in this story. First we have a group of kids who managed to steal a safe from a local hospital. I'm not sure how that is possible, but I'll just assume it happened. Next, they decided to use a donkey-driven cart to make their escape. Finally, we have the police, who were "unable to keep up with the donkey." ?!?!?!?!
I have a feeling that the actual donkey here is the only one that doesn't really deserve this title!
Until next time,
Morphy
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Are Those Donkey Tracks?
Thanks to RGPer and inventor of the term Manifestite, GrouchySmurf, for pointing me in the right direction for this story.
With a bit of help from Google, I was able to find this news article:
http://tinyurl.com/ap2yv
So, the donkey stuck his head out in front of a train, heard the horn, pulled his head back, then stuck it out again, just in time for the train to smack him upside the donkey. Normally this would be funny enough and worthy of a donkey entry. But no, we here at the Manifesto like to bring you the cream of the crop in donkey stories (or whatever we can find, whichever comes first). Following this link, we find something truly donkish:
http://tinyurl.com/eyb83
Yes! That's correct Manifestites, this donkey was hit by a train, in the head, just 3 years ago. Now, I'm pretty sure I've seen a train before, but just in case I'm mistaken, I'll trust the journalist and assume that we're talking about the 1/4 mile long steel moving vehicle with a horn that can be heard for miles, and not the ultra sneaky, low flying, melon-acquiring object that some of you might be picturing.
So, I have to ask? How the hell can someone get hit in the head with a train? I'll go one step further. How the hell can the same person get hit in the head with a train twice in their life? There is only one answer. This donkey is a member of the secret cult of the Dawnkeih, who believe they can achieve enlightenment if they are beheaded by a fast moving object that travels on metal tracks. Unfortunately for this donkey, since he fucked up such a trivially easy task, he is banished to the hell of donkey stables, where he will be forced to perform menial tasks for the rest of his miserable donkey life, such as making coffee and asking if patrons would like fries with that.
Morphy
With a bit of help from Google, I was able to find this news article:
http://tinyurl.com/ap2yv
So, the donkey stuck his head out in front of a train, heard the horn, pulled his head back, then stuck it out again, just in time for the train to smack him upside the donkey. Normally this would be funny enough and worthy of a donkey entry. But no, we here at the Manifesto like to bring you the cream of the crop in donkey stories (or whatever we can find, whichever comes first). Following this link, we find something truly donkish:
http://tinyurl.com/eyb83
Yes! That's correct Manifestites, this donkey was hit by a train, in the head, just 3 years ago. Now, I'm pretty sure I've seen a train before, but just in case I'm mistaken, I'll trust the journalist and assume that we're talking about the 1/4 mile long steel moving vehicle with a horn that can be heard for miles, and not the ultra sneaky, low flying, melon-acquiring object that some of you might be picturing.
So, I have to ask? How the hell can someone get hit in the head with a train? I'll go one step further. How the hell can the same person get hit in the head with a train twice in their life? There is only one answer. This donkey is a member of the secret cult of the Dawnkeih, who believe they can achieve enlightenment if they are beheaded by a fast moving object that travels on metal tracks. Unfortunately for this donkey, since he fucked up such a trivially easy task, he is banished to the hell of donkey stables, where he will be forced to perform menial tasks for the rest of his miserable donkey life, such as making coffee and asking if patrons would like fries with that.
Morphy
Sorry Donkey, I Can't Hear You!
I'm not necessarily back on the prowl for donkey stories quite yet, but I do have a few things to post, which I'll spread out across the next week or so. First off, I needed to come up with a name for our readers. Obviously calling the readers donkeys would be wrong, since the donkeys are the subjects of the posts, and not the readers of them. RGPer GrouchySmurf suggested using "Manifestites" and thus from this day forward, the loyal readers of the Donkey Manifesto will be known as such.
I've always said that I'll take submissions from Manifestites and post them here. Unfortunately I have 2 that I've let go by the wayside, and a third one that came in today. I'll post them in the order received, mostly so the first two don't feel slighted in any way.
Manifestite and RGPer Pokeraddict brings us this story. As featured on rogerebert.com's answer man section, the link to the information is below:
http://tinyurl.com/9t29k
The article talks about a movie made about the incredible accomplishments of percussionist Evelyn Glennie. I've seen Evelyn perform before, and she's simply amazing. The thing is, Evelyn is deaf. She's an excellent musician as it is, but knowing that she is deaf makes what she is able to do simply amazing.
So why is she featured in a donkey post? Well, she isn't, but the creator of the movie is. Why? Because he felt that making a movie about a deaf person and including subtitles would, and I quote "be hurtful" in the theatrical release. He also says "the visual aspect of the film is as important as the aural."
Ummm, that's all well and good, but don't you think that this film would appeal specifically to deaf people? I know that making a movie about a deaf person and thinking that deaf people might want to see the movie seems far fetched, but come on now! I have to go now. This is the type of donkey who would make a silent movie about a blind man, and if that's the case, I have another blog entry to write!
Until next time,
Morphy
I've always said that I'll take submissions from Manifestites and post them here. Unfortunately I have 2 that I've let go by the wayside, and a third one that came in today. I'll post them in the order received, mostly so the first two don't feel slighted in any way.
Manifestite and RGPer Pokeraddict brings us this story. As featured on rogerebert.com's answer man section, the link to the information is below:
http://tinyurl.com/9t29k
The article talks about a movie made about the incredible accomplishments of percussionist Evelyn Glennie. I've seen Evelyn perform before, and she's simply amazing. The thing is, Evelyn is deaf. She's an excellent musician as it is, but knowing that she is deaf makes what she is able to do simply amazing.
So why is she featured in a donkey post? Well, she isn't, but the creator of the movie is. Why? Because he felt that making a movie about a deaf person and including subtitles would, and I quote "be hurtful" in the theatrical release. He also says "the visual aspect of the film is as important as the aural."
Ummm, that's all well and good, but don't you think that this film would appeal specifically to deaf people? I know that making a movie about a deaf person and thinking that deaf people might want to see the movie seems far fetched, but come on now! I have to go now. This is the type of donkey who would make a silent movie about a blind man, and if that's the case, I have another blog entry to write!
Until next time,
Morphy
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Serious post - 11/13/05
I just wanted to let our readers know that due to a death in the family, I won't be posting here for a bit. Muk may post something when he feels like it, but I'm going to take a break to spend time with my family. Don't worry, the Manifesto isn't going anywhere; I'm just taking a short break.
Morphy
Morphy
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Donkeys and Beer!
As I've said before, I would really rather not turn the blog into a poker blog. Instead, I'd like to keep it a general donkey topics blog. Well, I've also made a semi-conscious effort not to just troll the news sites and write up goofy stories. Every once and a while I'll find something that is amusing, so I'll post it. However, that doesn't stop anyone else out there from sending something in. If you are interested in helping contribute to the blog, send me a link, or a story, or make something up, and I'll post it giving you credit for it. Just email me at xaqmorphy@gmail.com.
Now that I have that out of the way, I couldn't pass this one up. The link to the entire article is here:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2005-10-29-elfbeer_x.htm
The general story-line is that state officials in Connecticut are trying to ban a particular brand of beer (strangely enough, called "Seriously Bad Elf") because they are afraid that the label might appeal to children.
I'm not sure exactly how to comment on this one. Is our society that screwed up that we have to put effort and tax dollars into preventing a label with an elf firing Christmas ornaments at Santa's sleigh from being sold in liquor stores? Dear dipshit (aka state official): here's a hint, kids are more likely going to be swayed to buy something by some big breasted bimbo than they are a picture of Santa. I mean really, you could put a picture of dog shit on the outside of a beer bottle, and kids are still going to want it. Why? Because it's BEER for fuck's sake, why else do you think?
Actually I know what the problem is. According to the company, they had no problems selling "Bad Elf" beer and "Very Bad Elf" beer. State officials were probably able to turn their heads to this, but when "Seriously Bad Elf" beer shows up on the market, all hell breaks loose.
I normally don't go into social rants like this one, but I couldn't let this one pass. I seriously had a problem coming up with comments on this article, because it has donkey written all over it so many times, it's hard to explain. I'm sure some political nutcase sees this as a serious issue that needs to be addressed, but remember, these are the same halfwits that spent their schoolboy days getting the crap beaten out of them, and now feel the need to push back on society with their laws and bureaucratic bullshit. Ok, rant over, until next time!
Morphy
Now that I have that out of the way, I couldn't pass this one up. The link to the entire article is here:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2005-10-29-elfbeer_x.htm
The general story-line is that state officials in Connecticut are trying to ban a particular brand of beer (strangely enough, called "Seriously Bad Elf") because they are afraid that the label might appeal to children.
I'm not sure exactly how to comment on this one. Is our society that screwed up that we have to put effort and tax dollars into preventing a label with an elf firing Christmas ornaments at Santa's sleigh from being sold in liquor stores? Dear dipshit (aka state official): here's a hint, kids are more likely going to be swayed to buy something by some big breasted bimbo than they are a picture of Santa. I mean really, you could put a picture of dog shit on the outside of a beer bottle, and kids are still going to want it. Why? Because it's BEER for fuck's sake, why else do you think?
Actually I know what the problem is. According to the company, they had no problems selling "Bad Elf" beer and "Very Bad Elf" beer. State officials were probably able to turn their heads to this, but when "Seriously Bad Elf" beer shows up on the market, all hell breaks loose.
I normally don't go into social rants like this one, but I couldn't let this one pass. I seriously had a problem coming up with comments on this article, because it has donkey written all over it so many times, it's hard to explain. I'm sure some political nutcase sees this as a serious issue that needs to be addressed, but remember, these are the same halfwits that spent their schoolboy days getting the crap beaten out of them, and now feel the need to push back on society with their laws and bureaucratic bullshit. Ok, rant over, until next time!
Morphy
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Donkey Joke: The Donkey and the Well
I don't plan on making this into a joke blog, but this one has the perfect theme. Enjoy!
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, so it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake the dirt off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.
The Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
OK, that's enough of that BS...The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked the shit out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbors' farms and kicked the shit out of them too for helping.
The REAL Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.
Morphy
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, so it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake the dirt off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.
The Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
OK, that's enough of that BS...The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked the shit out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbors' farms and kicked the shit out of them too for helping.
The REAL Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.
Morphy
Thursday, October 13, 2005
The Time-Space Con-Donkey-um
Every time I've posted something that originated from a poker game/site, I've said that I don't want to make this a poker blog. However, I'm finding so many things at and around the tables to talk about, I can't avoid it. Remember, we're all about quantity here at the Manifesto, and don't really put a lot of thought into the quality of our work.
So earlier this week, Tuesday, October 11, 2005, to be exact, my wife and I both received letters in the US mail from Empire Poker. They were invites to a $10k freeroll tournament. The thing is, they were invites for a tournament that was held 3 days earlier, on October 8, 2005. However, the email did say that if we had any questions we could email them. So, off went this email:
Today I received this reply via email:
So, I'm of the opinion that there are times to stop an obvious joke before it gets taken too far. Sometimes what is left unsaid can be more humorous than dragging it out. I apparently didn't feel that way about this, because I shot this email back:
Morphy
So earlier this week, Tuesday, October 11, 2005, to be exact, my wife and I both received letters in the US mail from Empire Poker. They were invites to a $10k freeroll tournament. The thing is, they were invites for a tournament that was held 3 days earlier, on October 8, 2005. However, the email did say that if we had any questions we could email them. So, off went this email:
Dear Empire Poker,
Yesterday, 10/11/05, my wife and I received two letters from you. They were invitations to a $10,000 Special Freeroll Tournament.
The thing is, this event was held on 10/8/05.
I looked in the envelope, but I didn't see a time machine nor did I see instructions on how to build a time machine. My only thoughts were that your quality control team forgot to include the time machine instructions with this letter.
I would very much like to play in the tournament that was held on 10/8/05, as would my wife. Please send me the time machine or at least the instructions on how to build one, so that we can play in this tournament.
Sincerely,
XaQ Morphy
Today I received this reply via email:
Hi XaQ,
With reference to your email, please note that the $10,000 Special Freeroll Tournament which was scheduled for 16:00 EST on 08-October-2005 was cancelled due technical reasons. We wpologize for any inconveneince.
Also, we would like to know what is time machine which you are referring to, so that we can explain on that.
(snip some crap about not giving out my password and thanking me for being their gaming site of choice)
Randy
Poker Customer Care
So, I'm of the opinion that there are times to stop an obvious joke before it gets taken too far. Sometimes what is left unsaid can be more humorous than dragging it out. I apparently didn't feel that way about this, because I shot this email back:
Hi, thanks for the reply. Are you planning on rescheduling the tournament that was supposed to be held on 10/8/05 that I received the invite for on 10/11/05? Perhaps hold it the previous weekend, 10/1/05?
As for the time machine, please see this link for more information:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_machine
A time machine is a device that allows one to travel through time. Have you seen the movie Back to the Future? I'm certainly not expecting anything as fancy as a DeLorean sent to me to make my time machine, especially with the advances in technology that have been made since that movie first appeared.
Please advise.
Sincerely,
XaQ Morphy
Obviously, there has been a breakdown somewhere in the communication process, as this donkey apparently just decided to randomly spout some crap to me:
Dear XaQ,See that dead horse? Let's kick it again, shall we?
Thank you for contacting us.
We faced technical difficulties due to which "Saturday $10,000 Special Freeroll ($0/$0) 464348" which was scheduled at 16:00 EST on 08-October-2005 was cancelled.
We would like to inform that we are frequently introducing new tournaments and we assure you that as soon as you are eligible for one of these tournaments, we will send you an email or you can check the pre or post login pop-up.
Do not miss out on what is happening at EmpirePoker.com. For up-to-the-minute information, please check out the News & Events section of our website.
(link to some crap on their web site)
We have various other exciting offers that you can take advantage of while playing at our site. For example, if you refer new players to our site you receive $50 as a referral bonus (after referee fulfills the restrictions). To have complete details (terms and conditions) about this Tell-A-Friend bonus, please visit the following link:
(link to some other crap on their web site)
(snip some crap about not giving out my password and thanking me for being their gaming site of choice)
Anand
Poker Customer Care
Hi, I am still curious about the time machine question. I thought it was common knowledge, but, here in the US we travel through the time-space continuum all the time. As I stated in the email that was sent to you next week, I need to have plans to build an empire poker compatible time machine sent to me. Thanks,
XaQ Morphy
Now here's where I am left speechless. The next reply is something that *I* would have written to someone, almost hoping they missed the sarcasm. Unfortunately, I have no way of knowing if this last email is serious or just someone playing along with the joke.
Dear XaQ,I still don't know what to think when I read that. If Garima is playing along with the joke, then he/she is OK in my book. If not, I weep for all of you who have money on Empire...
Thank you for contacting us.
In regard to your e-mail, we understand that you wants a compatible time machine for EmpirePoker. However, we would like to inform you that as per our privacy policy and code of conduct we will not be able to create one.
However, if you have any more queries, please do write back to us and we will be glad to assist you further.
(snip some crap about not giving out my password and thanking me for being their gaming site of choice)
Garima
Poker Customer Care
Morphy
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Once a Donkey, Always a Donkey
Last week was my first week back to work after my surgery. Unfortunately I didn't get to witness any true donkey sightings, but based on the driving, and the fact that the weather is starting to get colder with more rain, I imagine it's just a matter of time until the driving stories start pouring in again. Until then, I'll have to rely on poker to give me material.
Yesterday I was doing something I don't remember, and my wife (FunkyRed) says "you have to see this guy in my room." So I jump on right after she won a big hand. She had 2 pair, bet most of her stack on the river when a 3rd diamond hit, and the guy folded. This chat then occurred:
Ahhh, now that explains it! Errr, ummm, ok. A few hands went by, then our donkey lost most of his chips. If I remember the hand correctly he checked it to the river, then made some sort of stupid bet, and was called with 2nd pair. I knew it was just a matter of time before I couldn't help myself and say anything, so this was a great time to jump in:
In the chat that follows, our donkey doesn't even realize that I showed up shortly after his hand with FunkyRed, and he's obviously not smart enough to realize that I was watching her. Instead, he figured I was some observer that just decided to watch a SNG for fun. I then start having fun. I figure even a donkey of this nature will figure out that I'm just messing with him, but, ummm, maybe not:
Right about the same time, two other players are in a hand. One moves in, and another is faced with calling his stack off. This is where our donkey appears to completely lose it:
Morphy
Yesterday I was doing something I don't remember, and my wife (FunkyRed) says "you have to see this guy in my room." So I jump on right after she won a big hand. She had 2 pair, bet most of her stack on the river when a 3rd diamond hit, and the guy folded. This chat then occurred:
always87: i had flush low highOk, so the obvious question is, what in the world is a "flush low high"??? Now we have donkeys inventing poker terms. That's Donktastic! I told her to ask him wtf a "flush low high" was:
always87: flush i had the 5 and 6
always87: opf diamonds
Dealer: always87 has 15 seconds left to act
FunkyRed: flush draw?
always87: no flush
FunkyRed: you folded a flush?
always87: but low high i thought u had higher than 6
always87: yes i foled a flush
always87: did u have me beat
always87: ?
FunkyRed: yes
FunkyRed: what is low high?
always87: like i had a 6
Ahhh, now that explains it! Errr, ummm, ok. A few hands went by, then our donkey lost most of his chips. If I remember the hand correctly he checked it to the river, then made some sort of stupid bet, and was called with 2nd pair. I knew it was just a matter of time before I couldn't help myself and say anything, so this was a great time to jump in:
always87: how can you make that call
XaQ Morphy (Observer): maybe he had low high?
always87: ?????
always87: ???????
always87: ??????????
XaQ Morphy (Observer): exactly
In the chat that follows, our donkey doesn't even realize that I showed up shortly after his hand with FunkyRed, and he's obviously not smart enough to realize that I was watching her. Instead, he figured I was some observer that just decided to watch a SNG for fun. I then start having fun. I figure even a donkey of this nature will figure out that I'm just messing with him, but, ummm, maybe not:
always87: im not poor, ican can afford a 5 dollar tourneySo, while this was going on, I had a game of my own going on, so I missed the "WHO ARE YOU" ummm, statement I guess, since punctuation was apparently to hard for this donkey to use. A few minutes went by, and I was about to fully go back to my game (instead of donking off money while toying with this guy), when he starts in again (and apparently found the question mark key again):
always87: i don't watch
XaQ Morphy (Observer): wtf are you talking about?
always87: you
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I had low high, sorry
always87: ARE YOU CHEATING??
always87: IM REPORTING YOU!
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I HAD LOW HIGH!
always87: BLAH BLAH
always87: PEASENT
XaQ Morphy (Observer): wtf is a "PEASENT"???
always87: YOU
XaQ Morphy (Observer): that's not a word, sir
always87: WHO ARE YOU
XaQ Morphy (Observer): but then again, since "low high" isn't a poker term, "peasent" might as well be a word
always87: WHERE DID POOR GUY GO
always87: ?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): right here sir, waiting for
more words of wisdom from you
always87: WELL HELLO
always87: WHO THE UFCK ARE YOU
XaQ Morphy (Observer): one of the admins here
always87: NO
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I received a complaint that you were being abusive, so I came here to see if it was true
always87: YEAH OK
always87: I SAID GL ALL
always87: NOW LET ME PLAY
XaQ Morphy (Observer): yeah, see, that's uncalled for
always87: IM INNGNORING YOU
Dealer: always87 has 15 seconds left to act
XaQ Morphy (Observer): english only at the tables please, sir
always87: LALALALA
Right about the same time, two other players are in a hand. One moves in, and another is faced with calling his stack off. This is where our donkey appears to completely lose it:
always87: ALLLLLL IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNow, what I wasn't able to include was the timing on this hand. The board had 2 5's on it, and apparently our donkey was sure that one of the players had a 5. However, all of the chat after I said "one person to a hand please" from our donkey was AFTER the hand was over. After that I lost interest, our donkey didn't say much, and lost after calling away his chips on a board he couldn't beat. Poor, poor donkey, I hope they can up his dosage a bit.
XaQ Morphy (Observer): one person to a hand please
always87: ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIN
always87: 458-6325
XaQ Morphy (Observer): did you forget your medication today sir?
always87: 6589214565555
always87: 5
always87: 5
always87: 5
always87: 5
always87: HE HAS A 5
always87: ALLLLL IIIIIIN
Morphy
Monday, October 03, 2005
DonkeyStars Holds Tournament For Donkey Bloggers
Nothing really important to see here...just leeching off of a free tournament that PokerStars is holding. In personal news, I went back to work today and am starting the donkey hunt. Stay tuned.
Morphy
Morphy
I have registered to play in the
Online Poker Blogger Championship!
This event is powered by PokerStars.
Registration code: 1922868
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Donkey Bits
No, it's not a snack; rather, an assortment of different donkey type stories that have come up in the past week.
I first want to wish Muk well in the passing of his, umm, issue there. "It doesn't hurt till the second day, dude."
Next, for some reason I found myself with the movie Shark Attack 3: Megaladon on TV in the background on the sci-fi channel. I was playing poker I think (imagine that), and didn't pay attention to most of it, except 3 of the best edits ever. In an argument scene, the terms "bull dirt!" and "bull riding squat!" were used. The best one though, was when this big ass shark was ramming into this boat, this guy looks freaked out and yells out "oversize shark!"
Next is a nice banking story. We applied for a home equity line of credit against our mortgage. Since we had the mortgage and the credit line at the same bank, we decided to move our checking/savings there as well. Our bank was ok, but didn't have many locations, and charged fees for a few things, such as online banking. So, the deal was, the papers were in, we didn't put anything into our new checking account because we needed to physically go to the old bank to close the accounts, so we opened the account with nothing. We were told we could go online and transfer from the credit line right into checking, and go from there.
I went to their site to set up the online accounts, and had to verify a few things. Checking account number, got it. Social security number, got it. Date and amount of last transaction. Ummm, well, let's see, there was none. So let's try the date we set it up and $0.00. Nope, didn't do it. So figured it was one of those loophole type situations where I call them up, they do something, and everything is set up. Well, no. I call up, and they say that they can't do anything, that I can only set things up is to either enter that information, or enter my check/debit card information and pin number. Well, I don't have those, because they take 7-10 days to mail out.
So off to the bank I head with penny, nickel, dime, quarter, and dollar bill. I walk up to the teller (wife giggling behind me) and say, loudly, "Ready for the most ridiculous question you'll hear today? what is the smallest deposit into a checking account you accept?" Without really batting an eye, the lady said "$1" and I said "ok, $1 it is then, although I'm disappointed cause I have a penny all ready to go!" The next day I enter my account number, SSN, then the previous date and $1.00 as the amount, and sure enough, online banking is all set up and ready to go.
But, I noticed that the equity loan information wasn't there. I tried to add that account number and was told it was an invalid number. So I send them a "secure online message" asking about that account number, and why it didn't appear on the accounts screen. The next day I receive an email telling me I have a "secure online message" waiting for me on the bank's site. I login to the site and sure enough, there's my credit account, all ready to go. Cool, they must have figured it out. I go into my "secure online message" (and I'm not sure why I keep putting that in quotes, but it looks cool that way, so I'm going to continue), and read a very friendly letter telling me that the account number does not exist in their system, and that I should verify that I have the correct number. Ummm, ok, thanks?
And last but not least, a Donkey of Fortune Sighting. There were 3 separate donkey moments, by 2 separate people in this one. The first, player A spins, guesses a letter, asks to buy a vowel, an A, and is told there are no A's, and the buzzer goes off. Player B spins and hits bankrupt right away. Our donkey, Amanda, spins, guesses a letter, then asks to buy a vowel, and asks for A. The whole room goes silent, and even the guy with the buzzer was slow to act on that one.
Next, our donkey, Robin, is up at the puzzle. She asks for a Y, then she buys a vowel, an I, and the puzzle looks like this:
MYSTERIO_S
_R_M_ SERIES
LOST
A few seconds of silence, and she says "I would like to solve the puzzle." Now, remember, not 10 seconds earlier she asks for the letter I, and there are 3 E's up there. Our donkey blurts out "MYSTERIOUS CRIME SERIES LOST!" The whole crowd awwwww's, and our donkey has this confused look on her face as if she didn't get it. Our donkey Amanda, from above, then guesses a G, and gets the bzzzzzzt right away, and without spinning, the eventual champion solves. (DRAMA in case Robin or Amanda are reading this). You can actually hear the collective "oh" from BOTH Robin and Amanda as he says the word DRAMA.
Meanwhile I'm scrambling to hit the record button on my DVR, and am glad that it starts recording at the beginning of the show, as long as you've been watching it the entire time, because I knew there had to be at least one more write up in this episode.
First off, if anyone is unfamiliar with the show, the add up all the cash and prizes you win to your total, and the person with the highest total goes to the final puzzle. So, the winner of every puzzle so far hits almost $10k with the previous puzzle, and as anyone that has watched the show knows, sometimes a $10k lead is hard to overcome. Robin is featured again in this one. They have this deal where on the wheel are 2 $1k slots with a ? by them. One of them is a car, and one of them is a bankrupt, where you lose everything. Robin hits it, guesses a letter, and gets $1k. When asked whether she wanted to risk the $1k on a $13k car, she says "not a chance," spends $250 on buying a vowel, and then goes bankrupt. Needless to say the eventual champion lands on the same one as before, and sure enough, it's the car.
Until next time!
Morphy
I first want to wish Muk well in the passing of his, umm, issue there. "It doesn't hurt till the second day, dude."
Next, for some reason I found myself with the movie Shark Attack 3: Megaladon on TV in the background on the sci-fi channel. I was playing poker I think (imagine that), and didn't pay attention to most of it, except 3 of the best edits ever. In an argument scene, the terms "bull dirt!" and "bull riding squat!" were used. The best one though, was when this big ass shark was ramming into this boat, this guy looks freaked out and yells out "oversize shark!"
Next is a nice banking story. We applied for a home equity line of credit against our mortgage. Since we had the mortgage and the credit line at the same bank, we decided to move our checking/savings there as well. Our bank was ok, but didn't have many locations, and charged fees for a few things, such as online banking. So, the deal was, the papers were in, we didn't put anything into our new checking account because we needed to physically go to the old bank to close the accounts, so we opened the account with nothing. We were told we could go online and transfer from the credit line right into checking, and go from there.
I went to their site to set up the online accounts, and had to verify a few things. Checking account number, got it. Social security number, got it. Date and amount of last transaction. Ummm, well, let's see, there was none. So let's try the date we set it up and $0.00. Nope, didn't do it. So figured it was one of those loophole type situations where I call them up, they do something, and everything is set up. Well, no. I call up, and they say that they can't do anything, that I can only set things up is to either enter that information, or enter my check/debit card information and pin number. Well, I don't have those, because they take 7-10 days to mail out.
So off to the bank I head with penny, nickel, dime, quarter, and dollar bill. I walk up to the teller (wife giggling behind me) and say, loudly, "Ready for the most ridiculous question you'll hear today? what is the smallest deposit into a checking account you accept?" Without really batting an eye, the lady said "$1" and I said "ok, $1 it is then, although I'm disappointed cause I have a penny all ready to go!" The next day I enter my account number, SSN, then the previous date and $1.00 as the amount, and sure enough, online banking is all set up and ready to go.
But, I noticed that the equity loan information wasn't there. I tried to add that account number and was told it was an invalid number. So I send them a "secure online message" asking about that account number, and why it didn't appear on the accounts screen. The next day I receive an email telling me I have a "secure online message" waiting for me on the bank's site. I login to the site and sure enough, there's my credit account, all ready to go. Cool, they must have figured it out. I go into my "secure online message" (and I'm not sure why I keep putting that in quotes, but it looks cool that way, so I'm going to continue), and read a very friendly letter telling me that the account number
And last but not least, a Donkey of Fortune Sighting. There were 3 separate donkey moments, by 2 separate people in this one. The first, player A spins, guesses a letter, asks to buy a vowel, an A, and is told there are no A's, and the buzzer goes off. Player B spins and hits bankrupt right away. Our donkey, Amanda, spins, guesses a letter, then asks to buy a vowel, and asks for A. The whole room goes silent, and even the guy with the buzzer was slow to act on that one.
Next, our donkey, Robin, is up at the puzzle. She asks for a Y, then she buys a vowel, an I, and the puzzle looks like this:
MYSTERIO_S
_R_M_ SERIES
LOST
A few seconds of silence, and she says "I would like to solve the puzzle." Now, remember, not 10 seconds earlier she asks for the letter I, and there are 3 E's up there. Our donkey blurts out "MYSTERIOUS CRIME SERIES LOST!" The whole crowd awwwww's, and our donkey has this confused look on her face as if she didn't get it. Our donkey Amanda, from above, then guesses a G, and gets the bzzzzzzt right away, and without spinning, the eventual champion solves. (DRAMA in case Robin or Amanda are reading this). You can actually hear the collective "oh" from BOTH Robin and Amanda as he says the word DRAMA.
Meanwhile I'm scrambling to hit the record button on my DVR, and am glad that it starts recording at the beginning of the show, as long as you've been watching it the entire time, because I knew there had to be at least one more write up in this episode.
First off, if anyone is unfamiliar with the show, the add up all the cash and prizes you win to your total, and the person with the highest total goes to the final puzzle. So, the winner of every puzzle so far hits almost $10k with the previous puzzle, and as anyone that has watched the show knows, sometimes a $10k lead is hard to overcome. Robin is featured again in this one. They have this deal where on the wheel are 2 $1k slots with a ? by them. One of them is a car, and one of them is a bankrupt, where you lose everything. Robin hits it, guesses a letter, and gets $1k. When asked whether she wanted to risk the $1k on a $13k car, she says "not a chance," spends $250 on buying a vowel, and then goes bankrupt. Needless to say the eventual champion lands on the same one as before, and sure enough, it's the car.
Until next time!
Morphy
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
NOT a post about Donkeys?!?!
So, I wanted to keep work happenings out of this blog, especially since I really like the new(ish) company that I work for. But when something like this happens, I can't pass it up. This email was sent to all employees. I've taken out any names and company names to at least keep it semi-anonymous.
Attention: All Employees
Due to the growing problem of Canadian Geese using the grounds of [edit] this company as a gathering point, we have hired a company to disperse the birds away from our building. Migratory Bird Management is a licensed control specialist who will utilize highly trained border collies, and a variety of other techniques, to persuade the birds to leave our property without harming the animals. As some of you may recall, last spring when these geese were allowed to establish a nest around people, they became very aggressive. Furthermore, the mess that large numbers of birds leave in our parking lot is unpleasant and could even pose a health hazard, if left unchecked. If you have any questions or concerns regarding this new vendor or their techniques, please contact me.
Thank you,
Facilities Manager
I'm in the wrong business if there are people getting paid to use dogs to chase birds away. This funny big of chat did happen shortly after I told Muk about it. Unfortunately, he was talking about a poker tournament:
[16:35] Mukwrm715: such a shame when perfectly laid plans backfire
[16:36] XaQ Morphy: like when the dogs eat the geese? or are you talking about something else?
Morphy
Attention: All Employees
Due to the growing problem of Canadian Geese using the grounds of [edit] this company as a gathering point, we have hired a company to disperse the birds away from our building. Migratory Bird Management is a licensed control specialist who will utilize highly trained border collies, and a variety of other techniques, to persuade the birds to leave our property without harming the animals. As some of you may recall, last spring when these geese were allowed to establish a nest around people, they became very aggressive. Furthermore, the mess that large numbers of birds leave in our parking lot is unpleasant and could even pose a health hazard, if left unchecked. If you have any questions or concerns regarding this new vendor or their techniques, please contact me.
Thank you,
Facilities Manager
I'm in the wrong business if there are people getting paid to use dogs to chase birds away. This funny big of chat did happen shortly after I told Muk about it. Unfortunately, he was talking about a poker tournament:
[16:35] Mukwrm715: such a shame when perfectly laid plans backfire
[16:36] XaQ Morphy: like when the dogs eat the geese? or are you talking about something else?
Morphy
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Donkeys, ATMs, and 3%
For some reason lately my poker playing has slowly migrated from SNG's (1 table tournaments), to cash games. My game of choice is a max $100 buyin, 6 handed game with blinds of 50c and $1. There have been many donkey sightings at these tables, but since I'm trying to NOT make this a poker blog, I've been refraining. Last night I had a very strange/good situation come up, so I decided to write about it. For those of you who are too important to read stories about low level poker, skip this story.
Ok, for both of you still reading this, I had a strange 6 max table last night. On my right was a total rock. Weak/passive, played his big hands strong, and basically was easy to read. 2 seats to my left was the donkey ATM. This guy liked any face card, any 2 suits, umm, any 2 cards, had no concept of position, and thought poker was all about bluffing. He loved to bluff, but did it in a controlled manner, in that he usually only tried one bluff per pot. He also basically told anyone that was paying attention what his cards were based on his bets. And he loved top pair on the flop, regardless of the kicker. There was a good chance this donkey was drunk and just throwing around money for fun. There was also a good chance this donkey was just a donkey. From where I stood, I didn't care.
So, for 3 hours, a pattern followed. Donkey ATM would suck out and bust one of the other 3 players, and the rock and I would alternate taking chips from the Donkey. The Donkey called almost every raise, and made it known that no one was to raise his blinds. He also tried all sorts of crazy bluffs, but would only bluff once. So, if you called him, and he checked to you, a bet on the next street won the pot 99% of the time. If he check-raised, it was an obvious huge hand, and easy to get away from, unless you were one of the other 3 at the table who seemed to come in, go bust in 10 mins, then take off without saying a word (losing bots indeed!).
So I learned a lot of things about observing opponents and all, but had a problem. This Donkey ATM was going to go bust eventually. I didn't want this to happen. I wanted him to keep taking money from the others so I could slowly feed on him. I didn't want my main game to be against the rock. So, I invented a new move. It seemed like he loved calling raises from everyone but the rock, but seemed to understand some rudimentary pot odds. So, if the rock raised, occasionally I would call with nothing on the button. This gave the SB better odds to call, and the BB (ATM) even better odds to call, and any EP limpers even better odds to call. Most of the time neither the rock nor I would win the pot, but it created all sorts of neat scenarios between the Donkey ATM and the other players. There also was a hand where the Donkey ATM called a raise from the rock with K7, Flop K73, and he nearly doubles through the rock's AK.
So this went on for 2 hours. The table chatter was friendly, with little to no chat from the Donkey ATM. The rock and I talked about different hands, players after they left, and I got the chance to tell an up and coming player (ie, someone begging for money) that taco bell would be happy to stake him.
Until...the table fuckwit gets to the table. Within a few hands, fuckwit loses a hand to Donkey, and starts berating him. Immediately, Donkey ATM starts moving in preflop, or betting crazy on the flop. I knew that the ATM was about to go bust. I tried saying a few things to fuckwit, but fuckwit wouldn't have anything of it. He insisted the guy was a moron, and insisted on telling the entire table about it. This was bad. For those of you who think it's a bad thing to play against donkeys, you will be on this blog soon. Do NOT chase the donkeys away, as you can see from the story above, they can be a constant source of money.
So, I decided I had to do something. I either had to bust fuckwit myself, or have someone other than the Donkey ATM bust fuckwit. It was clear to me that if fuckwit and Donkey ATM got in a hand together that, regardless of the winner, Donkey ATM would be leaving the table. This is known as A Bad Thing (tm). Then this hand comes up:
XaQ Morphy: Ks Ah
At this table, I didn't really like playing "big" hands. This may sound counter intuitive, but drawing hands were big on this table, and against the Donkey ATM, I really could (and did) have any 2 cards to take a pot away from him. I thought about flat calling with this hand, but decided that maybe there would be a chance where I could get into a big hand with the Donkey ATM, lose some money to him, and get him to calm down so he could stay for a while.
So I raised to $3.50, and one player and the Donkey ATM called.
Flop (board: 2c Jc Ac)
Ummm, not the flop I wanted. Top pair, top kicker is worth nothing on this flop with this table makeup. So I bet out, $9. I figure I'll either take the pot right there, or one of the other players (hopefully the Donkey ATM) raises me and I can fold to him. But instead, something strange happened. Donkey ATM raised allin, and I read the numbers wrong and thought it was much less to call than it really was. I thought it was only $17 more to call, which would make it a bad move math-wise for me to fold here (at least if anyone is paying attention). Instead, it was $27 more to call, which I didn't realize until after the pot. So, knowing he had to have at least 2 pair here (with J2 being a definite possibility), I called, hoping to give him some money and keep him in the game longer. Instead...
Donkey ATM shows 9c 6c
Hey, he has the flush, and I'm less than 3% to win. I now notice the pot size and how much I put in, and wasn't all that happy about my move to keep the Donkey ATM in the game. That is, until...
River (board: 2c Jc Ac As 2h)
Donkey ATM shows 9c 6c
Donkey ATM has 9c 6c 2c Jc Ac: flush, ace high
XaQ Morphy shows Ks Ah
XaQ Morphy has Ah 2c Ac As 2h: full house, aces full of deuces
As expected, Donkey ATM immediately leaves the table. I certainly didn't mind the $85 pot, but really wanted him to stay around. Unfortunately, fuckwit still didn't get why it was A Good Thing (tm) to have Donkey ATM at the table. So before I left the table, I told fuckwit exactly how much of a fuckwit I thought he was. He still didn't get it, and I doubt he ever will. No doubt he'll show up on the blog in the future.
On a side note, for anyone wondering: recovery is going well, and I'm expected to be cleared to drive and go back to work in a week. I'm getting most of the movement in my head/neck back, and things are progressing well. Until next time!
Morphy
Ok, for both of you still reading this, I had a strange 6 max table last night. On my right was a total rock. Weak/passive, played his big hands strong, and basically was easy to read. 2 seats to my left was the donkey ATM. This guy liked any face card, any 2 suits, umm, any 2 cards, had no concept of position, and thought poker was all about bluffing. He loved to bluff, but did it in a controlled manner, in that he usually only tried one bluff per pot. He also basically told anyone that was paying attention what his cards were based on his bets. And he loved top pair on the flop, regardless of the kicker. There was a good chance this donkey was drunk and just throwing around money for fun. There was also a good chance this donkey was just a donkey. From where I stood, I didn't care.
So, for 3 hours, a pattern followed. Donkey ATM would suck out and bust one of the other 3 players, and the rock and I would alternate taking chips from the Donkey. The Donkey called almost every raise, and made it known that no one was to raise his blinds. He also tried all sorts of crazy bluffs, but would only bluff once. So, if you called him, and he checked to you, a bet on the next street won the pot 99% of the time. If he check-raised, it was an obvious huge hand, and easy to get away from, unless you were one of the other 3 at the table who seemed to come in, go bust in 10 mins, then take off without saying a word (losing bots indeed!).
So I learned a lot of things about observing opponents and all, but had a problem. This Donkey ATM was going to go bust eventually. I didn't want this to happen. I wanted him to keep taking money from the others so I could slowly feed on him. I didn't want my main game to be against the rock. So, I invented a new move. It seemed like he loved calling raises from everyone but the rock, but seemed to understand some rudimentary pot odds. So, if the rock raised, occasionally I would call with nothing on the button. This gave the SB better odds to call, and the BB (ATM) even better odds to call, and any EP limpers even better odds to call. Most of the time neither the rock nor I would win the pot, but it created all sorts of neat scenarios between the Donkey ATM and the other players. There also was a hand where the Donkey ATM called a raise from the rock with K7, Flop K73, and he nearly doubles through the rock's AK.
So this went on for 2 hours. The table chatter was friendly, with little to no chat from the Donkey ATM. The rock and I talked about different hands, players after they left, and I got the chance to tell an up and coming player (ie, someone begging for money) that taco bell would be happy to stake him.
Until...the table fuckwit gets to the table. Within a few hands, fuckwit loses a hand to Donkey, and starts berating him. Immediately, Donkey ATM starts moving in preflop, or betting crazy on the flop. I knew that the ATM was about to go bust. I tried saying a few things to fuckwit, but fuckwit wouldn't have anything of it. He insisted the guy was a moron, and insisted on telling the entire table about it. This was bad. For those of you who think it's a bad thing to play against donkeys, you will be on this blog soon. Do NOT chase the donkeys away, as you can see from the story above, they can be a constant source of money.
So, I decided I had to do something. I either had to bust fuckwit myself, or have someone other than the Donkey ATM bust fuckwit. It was clear to me that if fuckwit and Donkey ATM got in a hand together that, regardless of the winner, Donkey ATM would be leaving the table. This is known as A Bad Thing (tm). Then this hand comes up:
XaQ Morphy: Ks Ah
At this table, I didn't really like playing "big" hands. This may sound counter intuitive, but drawing hands were big on this table, and against the Donkey ATM, I really could (and did) have any 2 cards to take a pot away from him. I thought about flat calling with this hand, but decided that maybe there would be a chance where I could get into a big hand with the Donkey ATM, lose some money to him, and get him to calm down so he could stay for a while.
So I raised to $3.50, and one player and the Donkey ATM called.
Flop (board: 2c Jc Ac)
Ummm, not the flop I wanted. Top pair, top kicker is worth nothing on this flop with this table makeup. So I bet out, $9. I figure I'll either take the pot right there, or one of the other players (hopefully the Donkey ATM) raises me and I can fold to him. But instead, something strange happened. Donkey ATM raised allin, and I read the numbers wrong and thought it was much less to call than it really was. I thought it was only $17 more to call, which would make it a bad move math-wise for me to fold here (at least if anyone is paying attention). Instead, it was $27 more to call, which I didn't realize until after the pot. So, knowing he had to have at least 2 pair here (with J2 being a definite possibility), I called, hoping to give him some money and keep him in the game longer. Instead...
Donkey ATM shows 9c 6c
Hey, he has the flush, and I'm less than 3% to win. I now notice the pot size and how much I put in, and wasn't all that happy about my move to keep the Donkey ATM in the game. That is, until...
River (board: 2c Jc Ac As 2h)
Donkey ATM shows 9c 6c
Donkey ATM has 9c 6c 2c Jc Ac: flush, ace high
XaQ Morphy shows Ks Ah
XaQ Morphy has Ah 2c Ac As 2h: full house, aces full of deuces
As expected, Donkey ATM immediately leaves the table. I certainly didn't mind the $85 pot, but really wanted him to stay around. Unfortunately, fuckwit still didn't get why it was A Good Thing (tm) to have Donkey ATM at the table. So before I left the table, I told fuckwit exactly how much of a fuckwit I thought he was. He still didn't get it, and I doubt he ever will. No doubt he'll show up on the blog in the future.
On a side note, for anyone wondering: recovery is going well, and I'm expected to be cleared to drive and go back to work in a week. I'm getting most of the movement in my head/neck back, and things are progressing well. Until next time!
Morphy
Monday, September 12, 2005
Important - Please Read
I know the Manifesto has become a fairly successful site. I'm surprised at the number of readers that visit the site. I'm sorry I haven't been able to offer as much new material as of late, but with recovering from surgery and all, I'm limited in what I'm exposed to. I do appreciate each and every one of you that take the time out of your days to read this blog.
Unfortunately, due to the overwhelming popularity of the Manifesto, Mukwrm715 and I are finding it difficult to deal with keeping everything running financially. The cost of finding new material, writing it up, and keeping the site up in working order is increasing on a daily basis.
As a result of this, we have to take some fairly drastic measures. I've worked through some numbers, and decided that if we increase our readership fees by 45%, we will be able to meet these financial needs within a matter of months. This increase will go into affect immediately. Whichever billing method you've chosen will be automatically adjusted to reflect this increase, and you will see it on your next bill.
I apologize for those that see this as a shock, but as I said, drastic situations require drastic measures. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I hope you choose to continue to support the Manifesto in the future.
Morphy
Unfortunately, due to the overwhelming popularity of the Manifesto, Mukwrm715 and I are finding it difficult to deal with keeping everything running financially. The cost of finding new material, writing it up, and keeping the site up in working order is increasing on a daily basis.
As a result of this, we have to take some fairly drastic measures. I've worked through some numbers, and decided that if we increase our readership fees by 45%, we will be able to meet these financial needs within a matter of months. This increase will go into affect immediately. Whichever billing method you've chosen will be automatically adjusted to reflect this increase, and you will see it on your next bill.
I apologize for those that see this as a shock, but as I said, drastic situations require drastic measures. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I hope you choose to continue to support the Manifesto in the future.
Morphy
Friday, September 09, 2005
Desperate Donkeys Driving Dodges
Well, it's been a while since I've posted. Unfortunately, with my surgery recovery and all, I'm not able to get out as much as I'd like, so I am missing a lot of donkey sightings. Some of the news coverage of hurricane Katrina was surely worth of an entry, but I'm not THAT heartless.
Anyway, as I've said, if people send me information on possible entries, I'll post them and give them full credit. Or maybe I'll steal the credit all for myself. Depends on my mood. This one comes from my buddy Ice in Ohio. I'll post it just as he sent it to me. Enjoy!
========================================
My wife is on her way to work and gives me a call (mainly to make sure my lazy ass is out of bed)...
As she's talking she chuckles and says something about desperate people going too far. She says some heavy black woman has a bumper sticker on the back of her car that says, "Bored? Lonely? Give me a call 614-xxx-xxxx".
We made a couple jokes about it and I asked for the number again. I told her I'd call right back.
I dialed the number, fully expecting to get some religious recording, or a pitch for Avon. Instead, I hear a cheerful "Hallow?" on the other end of the line. I can hear the road noise in the background.
The only thing that pisses me off more than people who don't use their turn signals are people who have recreational conversations while driving and are too busy to use them. I was going to just hang up, but I couldn't resist.
I said, "Is this the lady with the bumper sticker on her car.....?" She replies, "Yes it is!" I can hear the smile on her face...
I screamed, "HANG THE FUCKING PHONE UP AND DRIVE YOU STUPID TWAT!!!" and immediately hung up.
Almost immediately my wife calls and says, "What the hell did you just
do? That lady is weaving all over the road screaming into her phone!"
I started laughing so fucking hard I don't think I got a word out in the three minutes it took for my wife to give up and hang up on me. She
just kept asking, "What? What?!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I'll bet that sticker was peeled off before the old cow bought her ticket and went all-in at the Olde Country Buffet ;-)
Ice
Anyway, as I've said, if people send me information on possible entries, I'll post them and give them full credit. Or maybe I'll steal the credit all for myself. Depends on my mood. This one comes from my buddy Ice in Ohio. I'll post it just as he sent it to me. Enjoy!
========================================
My wife is on her way to work and gives me a call (mainly to make sure my lazy ass is out of bed)...
As she's talking she chuckles and says something about desperate people going too far. She says some heavy black woman has a bumper sticker on the back of her car that says, "Bored? Lonely? Give me a call 614-xxx-xxxx".
We made a couple jokes about it and I asked for the number again. I told her I'd call right back.
I dialed the number, fully expecting to get some religious recording, or a pitch for Avon. Instead, I hear a cheerful "Hallow?" on the other end of the line. I can hear the road noise in the background.
The only thing that pisses me off more than people who don't use their turn signals are people who have recreational conversations while driving and are too busy to use them. I was going to just hang up, but I couldn't resist.
I said, "Is this the lady with the bumper sticker on her car.....?" She replies, "Yes it is!" I can hear the smile on her face...
I screamed, "HANG THE FUCKING PHONE UP AND DRIVE YOU STUPID TWAT!!!" and immediately hung up.
Almost immediately my wife calls and says, "What the hell did you just
do? That lady is weaving all over the road screaming into her phone!"
I started laughing so fucking hard I don't think I got a word out in the three minutes it took for my wife to give up and hang up on me. She
just kept asking, "What? What?!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I'll bet that sticker was peeled off before the old cow bought her ticket and went all-in at the Olde Country Buffet ;-)
Ice
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Omaha hi/lo - The Donk Edition
As many people know, I don’t want to keep this blog as a poker-only blog. I’m certainly no poker expert, and there are so many non-poker donkeys out there that there should be material around every corner. This entry, however, is heavy into the poker and the math surrounding poker.
The game here is Omaha hi/lo, known as Omaha/8 or simply O8. Each person gets 4 hole cards and the board is dealt like holdem. In this game, the high hand and the low hand split the pot. The goal of course is to get a hand that can win both the high and low ends of the pot. This is called scooping the pot.
Now, I’m no O8 expert. I typically play small O8 tournaments, or limit games up to $2/$4. The site I was playing on didn’t have any good games available, but they had a $.25/$.50 game going, so I decided to waste some time playing that, and work on my game and hand reading skills in general. Things were uneventful until the following hand came up. I don’t have the greatest hand in the world, but I’m getting feisty, so I decide to play along with it, fully expecting to miss the flop completely and grab the remote to find something better on tv.
FullTiltPoker Game #200028780: Table Bermuda - $0.25/$0.50 - Limit Omaha Hi/Lo - 23:34:13 ET - 2005/08/28
Seat 1: rdwright ($1.90)
Seat 2: bsailor ($3.15)
Seat 3: KssMyBUHHIND ($4.65)
Seat 4: rgpars ($10.95)
Seat 6: rageatm9 ($10.30), is sitting out
Seat 7: XaQ Morphy ($8.05)
Seat 8: Vicki429 ($10.10)
Seat 9: RollStep ($9.75)
RollStep posts the small blind of $0.10
rdwright posts the big blind of $0.25
The button is in seat #8
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to XaQ Morphy [2h Td Ah 8s]
bsailor calls $0.25
KssMyBUHHIND calls $0.25
rgpars calls $0.25
XaQ Morphy calls $0.25
Vicki429 calls $0.25
RollStep raises to $0.50
rdwright folds
bsailor calls $0.25
KssMyBUHHIND calls $0.25
rgpars raises to $0.75
XaQ Morphy raises to $1
Vicki429 folds
RollStep calls $0.50
bsailor calls $0.50
rgpars: action
KssMyBUHHIND folds
rgpars calls $0.25
*** FLOP *** [4s 5h 7h]
RollStep bets $0.25
bsailor calls $0.25
rgpars has 15 seconds left to act
XaQ Morphy: I like putting all my quarters out there
rgpars is sitting out
rgpars has timed out
rgpars folds
XaQ Morphy raises to $0.50
RollStep raises to $0.75
rgpars has returned
bsailor raises to $1
XaQ Morphy calls $0.50
RollStep calls $0.25
*** TURN *** [4s 5h 7h] [Th]
RollStep bets $0.50
bsailor calls $0.50
XaQ Morphy raises to $1
RollStep raises to $1.50
bsailor calls $0.65, and is all in
XaQ Morphy raises to $2
RollStep calls $0.50
*** RIVER *** [4s 5h 7h Th] [3s]
RollStep checks
XaQ Morphy bets $0.50
RollStep calls $0.50
rgpars: omg
*** SHOW DOWN ***
XaQ Morphy shows [2h Td Ah 8s] (a flush, Ace high)
*** SHOW DOWN ***
(5,4,3,2,A)
RollStep shows [8d Jh Qh 6d] (a flush, Queen high)
(8,6,5,4,3)
XaQ Morphy wins the high side pot ($1.35) with a flush, Ace high
XaQ Morphy wins the low side pot ($1.35) with 5,4,3,2,A
bsailor mucks
XaQ Morphy wins the high main pot ($5.50) with a flush, Ace high
XaQ Morphy wins the low main pot ($5.45) with 5,4,3,2,A
bsailor is sitting out
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot $14.15 Main pot $11.45. Side pot $2.70. Rake $0.50
Board: [4s 5h 7h Th 3s]
Seat 1: rdwright (big blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 2: bsailor mucked [Ks 9h 2d 3h] - HI: a flush, Ten high; LO: 7,5,4,3,2
Seat 3: KssMyBUHHIND folded before the Flop
Seat 4: rgpars folded on the Flop
Seat 6: rageatm9 is sitting out
Seat 7: XaQ Morphy showed [2h Td Ah 8s] and won ($13.65) with HI: a flush, Ace high; LO: 5,4,3,2,A
Seat 8: Vicki429 (button) folded before the Flop
Seat 9: RollStep (small blind) showed [8d Jh Qh 6d] and lost with HI: a flush, Queen high; LO: 8,6,5,4,3
Basically, I flopped the nut low hand, and on the turn I hit the nut flush. Unless the board pairs on the river (which it didn’t), I’m guaranteed the high half of the pot, and unless someone else has A2 in their hand, I get the low side of the pot too. The chat that follows is priceless:
XaQ Morphy: scoooooooooooooooooooop
RollStep: f-ing bs
XaQ Morphy: lol
RollStep: u got lucky
RollStep: nice hand
XaQ Morphy: lololol
XaQ Morphy: you played QJ86?
XaQ Morphy: and I got lucky?
RollStep: i flopped a straight and a flush draw
XaQ Morphy: that's hilarious
RollStep: doubled suited
XaQ Morphy: lol
RollStep: omg... ok poker god
RollStep: sit here and play quarter 50
RollStep: and pretend ur some pro
RollStep: youre ridiculous
XaQ Morphy: hey, I didn't say that was bs
XaQ Morphy: and I never said I was some pro
XaQ Morphy: just that I took all your lunch money
An ongoing joke in the poker world is when donkeys uses the excuse “it was suited” when explaining why they played a particular hand. Since you get 4 cards in Omaha, a hand that is “double suited” is much more desirable. However, QJ86 is a terrible hand in Omaha (I won’t go into reasons why in this post, just trust me on this), double suited or not. So the chat continues:
RollStep: nQJ86
RollStep: like its not a good hand
RollStep: double suited
RollStep: family pot
RollStep: go back to reading ur books
RollStep: ur A2810 is crap compaired to my cards
RollStep: not even single suited
RollStep: and u think its better than mine in a family pot
RollStep: go run the numbers on it doyle brunson
XaQ Morphy: if it's not single suited, how did I get a flush?
RollStep: see whose odds are better
RollStep: i meant double
XaQ Morphy: you do realize that no hand in omaha is more than a 60/40 favorite preflop right?
XaQ Morphy: and that playing a non-nut flush is suicide in omaha?
RollStep: youre a moron
RollStep: playing a non flush is suicide
RollStep: non nut
My comments here are true. Omaha is a much different game than holdem. Because of the 4 hole cards and the combinations possible for each hand, no hand is more than about a 60/40 favorite over another hand pre-flop. Also, Omaha is known as the “game of the nuts.” Playing a non-nut hand (flush, straight, etc.) at a full table is begging to have your chips taken away from you. Notice that the donkey now starts in with the name-calling. This is typical from people that don’t know what they are talking about, yet refuse to listen to reason, aka, your typical donkey.
So, I went to a popular poker odds internet site, www.twodimes.net and ran the hands through to figure out the odds. Not surprisingly, MY hand was the one that came out to be a 60/40 favorite pre-flop. Note that twodimes.net is a very accurate, and very popular site used by poker players around the world.
XaQ Morphy: http://twodimes.net/h/?z=1185354
XaQ Morphy: and look there
RollStep: yeah, some dumb internet site
XaQ Morphy: my hand was a 60/40 favorite over yours preflop there sparky
RollStep: real official
XaQ Morphy: lol
RollStep: hey idiot
RollStep: heads up maybe
RollStep: but we werent heads up
RollStep: why dont u rin the numbers individual on a 8 hand basis
Ok, so our donkey here tries to make a point. The problem is, hands in poker typically diminish in value against multiple opponents. For example, AA is the best starting hand in holdem, and is a huge favorite (at least 80%) over any other single hand. However, put AA up against 5 other hands, and it is less than 50% to win. I don’t know the exact numbers for our donkey friend here, but if I ran his hand against 8 others, I imagine his would be close to last in possible in percentage.
XaQ Morphy: why? to show how much worse your hand is?
RollStep: dumba.zzz trying to be smart
RollStep: yeah, run the numbers see how they stack
XaQ Morphy: dude, there's the proof...read it, or stfu
XaQ Morphy: I'll tell you what
RollStep: dude, aces heads up is 80/20 to almost any hand
RollStep: run it against 8 people
XaQ Morphy: hahaha
RollStep: and its less than 30%
RollStep: u moron
XaQ Morphy: this isn't holdem there sparky
RollStep: did u know everyones cards before the
RollStep: i dont think so
RollStep: Im proving a point u idiot
RollStep: ur a moron XaQ
RollStep: and when u smarten up we can talk
XaQ Morphy: the point is you played a hand that had zero chance at a nut low, and very little chance at a nut high
RollStep: but till then keep living in your fantasy land of wrongly calculated poker odds
XaQ Morphy: lol
XaQ Morphy: where do you suggest I calculate them then, if the most widely used odds site on the internet isn't good enough?
RollStep: zero chance at a nut low
RollStep: ur and idiot
RollStep: i had zero chance
RollStep: with my two low cards
XaQ Morphy: do you understand what a nut low is?
I received no reply to this. Our donkey decides that's either too hard of a question for him, or he sneezed and one of his braincells fell under his desk, so he's trying to find it. Donkeys will continue to be donkeys, and even when the facts are shown to them, they still can’t avoid being donkeys.
Sorry for the heavy poker content in this one; I’ll try to get something more general next time.
Morphy
The game here is Omaha hi/lo, known as Omaha/8 or simply O8. Each person gets 4 hole cards and the board is dealt like holdem. In this game, the high hand and the low hand split the pot. The goal of course is to get a hand that can win both the high and low ends of the pot. This is called scooping the pot.
Now, I’m no O8 expert. I typically play small O8 tournaments, or limit games up to $2/$4. The site I was playing on didn’t have any good games available, but they had a $.25/$.50 game going, so I decided to waste some time playing that, and work on my game and hand reading skills in general. Things were uneventful until the following hand came up. I don’t have the greatest hand in the world, but I’m getting feisty, so I decide to play along with it, fully expecting to miss the flop completely and grab the remote to find something better on tv.
FullTiltPoker Game #200028780: Table Bermuda - $0.25/$0.50 - Limit Omaha Hi/Lo - 23:34:13 ET - 2005/08/28
Seat 1: rdwright ($1.90)
Seat 2: bsailor ($3.15)
Seat 3: KssMyBUHHIND ($4.65)
Seat 4: rgpars ($10.95)
Seat 6: rageatm9 ($10.30), is sitting out
Seat 7: XaQ Morphy ($8.05)
Seat 8: Vicki429 ($10.10)
Seat 9: RollStep ($9.75)
RollStep posts the small blind of $0.10
rdwright posts the big blind of $0.25
The button is in seat #8
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to XaQ Morphy [2h Td Ah 8s]
bsailor calls $0.25
KssMyBUHHIND calls $0.25
rgpars calls $0.25
XaQ Morphy calls $0.25
Vicki429 calls $0.25
RollStep raises to $0.50
rdwright folds
bsailor calls $0.25
KssMyBUHHIND calls $0.25
rgpars raises to $0.75
XaQ Morphy raises to $1
Vicki429 folds
RollStep calls $0.50
bsailor calls $0.50
rgpars: action
KssMyBUHHIND folds
rgpars calls $0.25
*** FLOP *** [4s 5h 7h]
RollStep bets $0.25
bsailor calls $0.25
rgpars has 15 seconds left to act
XaQ Morphy: I like putting all my quarters out there
rgpars is sitting out
rgpars has timed out
rgpars folds
XaQ Morphy raises to $0.50
RollStep raises to $0.75
rgpars has returned
bsailor raises to $1
XaQ Morphy calls $0.50
RollStep calls $0.25
*** TURN *** [4s 5h 7h] [Th]
RollStep bets $0.50
bsailor calls $0.50
XaQ Morphy raises to $1
RollStep raises to $1.50
bsailor calls $0.65, and is all in
XaQ Morphy raises to $2
RollStep calls $0.50
*** RIVER *** [4s 5h 7h Th] [3s]
RollStep checks
XaQ Morphy bets $0.50
RollStep calls $0.50
rgpars: omg
*** SHOW DOWN ***
XaQ Morphy shows [2h Td Ah 8s] (a flush, Ace high)
*** SHOW DOWN ***
(5,4,3,2,A)
RollStep shows [8d Jh Qh 6d] (a flush, Queen high)
(8,6,5,4,3)
XaQ Morphy wins the high side pot ($1.35) with a flush, Ace high
XaQ Morphy wins the low side pot ($1.35) with 5,4,3,2,A
bsailor mucks
XaQ Morphy wins the high main pot ($5.50) with a flush, Ace high
XaQ Morphy wins the low main pot ($5.45) with 5,4,3,2,A
bsailor is sitting out
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot $14.15 Main pot $11.45. Side pot $2.70. Rake $0.50
Board: [4s 5h 7h Th 3s]
Seat 1: rdwright (big blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 2: bsailor mucked [Ks 9h 2d 3h] - HI: a flush, Ten high; LO: 7,5,4,3,2
Seat 3: KssMyBUHHIND folded before the Flop
Seat 4: rgpars folded on the Flop
Seat 6: rageatm9 is sitting out
Seat 7: XaQ Morphy showed [2h Td Ah 8s] and won ($13.65) with HI: a flush, Ace high; LO: 5,4,3,2,A
Seat 8: Vicki429 (button) folded before the Flop
Seat 9: RollStep (small blind) showed [8d Jh Qh 6d] and lost with HI: a flush, Queen high; LO: 8,6,5,4,3
Basically, I flopped the nut low hand, and on the turn I hit the nut flush. Unless the board pairs on the river (which it didn’t), I’m guaranteed the high half of the pot, and unless someone else has A2 in their hand, I get the low side of the pot too. The chat that follows is priceless:
XaQ Morphy: scoooooooooooooooooooop
RollStep: f-ing bs
XaQ Morphy: lol
RollStep: u got lucky
RollStep: nice hand
XaQ Morphy: lololol
XaQ Morphy: you played QJ86?
XaQ Morphy: and I got lucky?
RollStep: i flopped a straight and a flush draw
XaQ Morphy: that's hilarious
RollStep: doubled suited
XaQ Morphy: lol
RollStep: omg... ok poker god
RollStep: sit here and play quarter 50
RollStep: and pretend ur some pro
RollStep: youre ridiculous
XaQ Morphy: hey, I didn't say that was bs
XaQ Morphy: and I never said I was some pro
XaQ Morphy: just that I took all your lunch money
An ongoing joke in the poker world is when donkeys uses the excuse “it was suited” when explaining why they played a particular hand. Since you get 4 cards in Omaha, a hand that is “double suited” is much more desirable. However, QJ86 is a terrible hand in Omaha (I won’t go into reasons why in this post, just trust me on this), double suited or not. So the chat continues:
RollStep: nQJ86
RollStep: like its not a good hand
RollStep: double suited
RollStep: family pot
RollStep: go back to reading ur books
RollStep: ur A2810 is crap compaired to my cards
RollStep: not even single suited
RollStep: and u think its better than mine in a family pot
RollStep: go run the numbers on it doyle brunson
XaQ Morphy: if it's not single suited, how did I get a flush?
RollStep: see whose odds are better
RollStep: i meant double
XaQ Morphy: you do realize that no hand in omaha is more than a 60/40 favorite preflop right?
XaQ Morphy: and that playing a non-nut flush is suicide in omaha?
RollStep: youre a moron
RollStep: playing a non flush is suicide
RollStep: non nut
My comments here are true. Omaha is a much different game than holdem. Because of the 4 hole cards and the combinations possible for each hand, no hand is more than about a 60/40 favorite over another hand pre-flop. Also, Omaha is known as the “game of the nuts.” Playing a non-nut hand (flush, straight, etc.) at a full table is begging to have your chips taken away from you. Notice that the donkey now starts in with the name-calling. This is typical from people that don’t know what they are talking about, yet refuse to listen to reason, aka, your typical donkey.
So, I went to a popular poker odds internet site, www.twodimes.net and ran the hands through to figure out the odds. Not surprisingly, MY hand was the one that came out to be a 60/40 favorite pre-flop. Note that twodimes.net is a very accurate, and very popular site used by poker players around the world.
XaQ Morphy: http://twodimes.net/h/?z=1185354
XaQ Morphy: and look there
RollStep: yeah, some dumb internet site
XaQ Morphy: my hand was a 60/40 favorite over yours preflop there sparky
RollStep: real official
XaQ Morphy: lol
RollStep: hey idiot
RollStep: heads up maybe
RollStep: but we werent heads up
RollStep: why dont u rin the numbers individual on a 8 hand basis
Ok, so our donkey here tries to make a point. The problem is, hands in poker typically diminish in value against multiple opponents. For example, AA is the best starting hand in holdem, and is a huge favorite (at least 80%) over any other single hand. However, put AA up against 5 other hands, and it is less than 50% to win. I don’t know the exact numbers for our donkey friend here, but if I ran his hand against 8 others, I imagine his would be close to last in possible in percentage.
XaQ Morphy: why? to show how much worse your hand is?
RollStep: dumba.zzz trying to be smart
RollStep: yeah, run the numbers see how they stack
XaQ Morphy: dude, there's the proof...read it, or stfu
XaQ Morphy: I'll tell you what
RollStep: dude, aces heads up is 80/20 to almost any hand
RollStep: run it against 8 people
XaQ Morphy: hahaha
RollStep: and its less than 30%
RollStep: u moron
XaQ Morphy: this isn't holdem there sparky
RollStep: did u know everyones cards before the
RollStep: i dont think so
RollStep: Im proving a point u idiot
RollStep: ur a moron XaQ
RollStep: and when u smarten up we can talk
XaQ Morphy: the point is you played a hand that had zero chance at a nut low, and very little chance at a nut high
RollStep: but till then keep living in your fantasy land of wrongly calculated poker odds
XaQ Morphy: lol
XaQ Morphy: where do you suggest I calculate them then, if the most widely used odds site on the internet isn't good enough?
RollStep: zero chance at a nut low
RollStep: ur and idiot
RollStep: i had zero chance
RollStep: with my two low cards
XaQ Morphy: do you understand what a nut low is?
I received no reply to this. Our donkey decides that's either too hard of a question for him, or he sneezed and one of his braincells fell under his desk, so he's trying to find it. Donkeys will continue to be donkeys, and even when the facts are shown to them, they still can’t avoid being donkeys.
Sorry for the heavy poker content in this one; I’ll try to get something more general next time.
Morphy
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Would You Like Fries With That?
Thanks to Welshman on RGP for pointing this one out to me. The only question here is who is truly the bigger donk? Article shamelessly reprinted without permission from the Chicago Sun-Times' web site:
$56,000 robbery at bank drive-thru
July 13, 2005
Even bank robbers appreciate a drive-through window.
Police say a man drove up to a LaSalle bank at 3301 N. Ashland about 8 a.m. Tuesday and slid a note demanding money to the teller through a tube at the window.
The teller complied, shooting back about $56,000, Belmont District police said. The robber sped off in a blue, older-model minivan, they said.
"No weapon was displayed or implied," said Chicago FBI spokeswoman Cynthia Yates. "He never left his vehicle."
It was the first of two bank robberies Tuesday morning that netted a combined total of at least $86,000, police said.
I'm seriously considering trying this the next time I'm out, only I'll use my powers to see how many free cheeseburgers I can get.
Morphy
$56,000 robbery at bank drive-thru
July 13, 2005
Even bank robbers appreciate a drive-through window.
Police say a man drove up to a LaSalle bank at 3301 N. Ashland about 8 a.m. Tuesday and slid a note demanding money to the teller through a tube at the window.
The teller complied, shooting back about $56,000, Belmont District police said. The robber sped off in a blue, older-model minivan, they said.
"No weapon was displayed or implied," said Chicago FBI spokeswoman Cynthia Yates. "He never left his vehicle."
It was the first of two bank robberies Tuesday morning that netted a combined total of at least $86,000, police said.
I'm seriously considering trying this the next time I'm out, only I'll use my powers to see how many free cheeseburgers I can get.
Morphy
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Donk Donks Himself in Bookstore
Well, it's been an interesting few weeks. As many of you know, last Wednesday I went in for neck surgery to have a disk removed and a vertebrae fusion. Fortunately, other than what I may have said under the anesthetics, there are no donk stories to go along with the surgery. I'm home recovering and I'll be here for another week or so.
During that time there were a few donkey sightings worthy of notice. Last week's local 10pm news contained three. In no particular order:
1) A man robs a convenience store in Utah. This happens every few seconds. But, after he took the money, he comes back for a pack of cigarettes. Of course he's caught on camera both times, but unfortunately the reporter didn't go into any more details. At least he had his priorities straight!
2) Apparently there's a fairly severe Iguana problem in a residential area in Florida. Huh?
3) This one is the best of the three. Our local energy company accidentally printed a wrong 800 number in a flyer that went out to 4000 people. What was the number they printed? Ooooh, baby, I'll let you figure that one out for yourself, big guy.
Alone, those don't really seem like extreme acts or cases of donk. That's where this story comes in. This is re-printed, without permission from the web site of a local network affiliate. I won't comment on it, because I think it speaks for itself:
Bad Behavior At Local Bookstore
(Wauwatosa) -- Go into any bookstore, chances are you'll see people reading, talking, or sipping on coffee but not this. Wauwatosa Police arrested a 15-year-old boy for masturbating in the middle of the Barnes & Noble at Mayfair Mall. A customer spotted the boy and saw him watching two young girls while in the act back in July. Security chased the boy out of the store and cops caught up with him in the bathroom of a business across the street from the mall. The boy's excuse? "[We] asked him what had occurred at the mall. He indicated --quote -- 'my thing fell out'" says Wauwatosa Police Captain Jeff Sutter. It turns out the teen had been reported missing from St. Charles Detention Group Home just before this incident occurred. Now, the home won't take him back. The boy was arrested for lewd behavior.
Until next time,
Morphy
During that time there were a few donkey sightings worthy of notice. Last week's local 10pm news contained three. In no particular order:
1) A man robs a convenience store in Utah. This happens every few seconds. But, after he took the money, he comes back for a pack of cigarettes. Of course he's caught on camera both times, but unfortunately the reporter didn't go into any more details. At least he had his priorities straight!
2) Apparently there's a fairly severe Iguana problem in a residential area in Florida. Huh?
3) This one is the best of the three. Our local energy company accidentally printed a wrong 800 number in a flyer that went out to 4000 people. What was the number they printed? Ooooh, baby, I'll let you figure that one out for yourself, big guy.
Alone, those don't really seem like extreme acts or cases of donk. That's where this story comes in. This is re-printed, without permission from the web site of a local network affiliate. I won't comment on it, because I think it speaks for itself:
Bad Behavior At Local Bookstore
(Wauwatosa) -- Go into any bookstore, chances are you'll see people reading, talking, or sipping on coffee but not this. Wauwatosa Police arrested a 15-year-old boy for masturbating in the middle of the Barnes & Noble at Mayfair Mall. A customer spotted the boy and saw him watching two young girls while in the act back in July. Security chased the boy out of the store and cops caught up with him in the bathroom of a business across the street from the mall. The boy's excuse? "[We] asked him what had occurred at the mall. He indicated --quote -- 'my thing fell out'" says Wauwatosa Police Captain Jeff Sutter. It turns out the teen had been reported missing from St. Charles Detention Group Home just before this incident occurred. Now, the home won't take him back. The boy was arrested for lewd behavior.
Until next time,
Morphy
Friday, August 05, 2005
Quick Score: Donkeys 0, Moving Vehicles 29348203948230482034
I could name this post Donkeys on Wheels #4, but eventually we'll be at #2349887234 and it will be hard to keep track of which donkey is which.
So I'm driving home on a Friday night after work. It's been a crazy week all-around, and I'm looking forward to getting home and relaxing. I'm driving on the same street from DOW #1 which is a boulevard type street (2 lanes per side, separated by a median). It's rush hour, so there are quite a few cars on the road, and with stop lights every few blocks, traffic backs up fairly often. One of the main causes of traffic backups are donkeys who run red lights.
So, I'm driving in the left lane, doing maybe 34mph in a 30mph zone. There are cars in front, next to, and behind me. Up ahead, the light changes from green to yellow. I put my brakes on to stop my car at the light that will be red by the time I reach it. As expected, a donkey in the right lane floors it, doing about 45mph as he runs the red light. It’s amazing that donkey didn’t cause an accident, since he entered the intersection at least a full second AFTER the light changed red.
While this is happening I look in my rear view mirror at the donkey in the Jeep Cherokee who has to slam on her brakes to keep from hitting me. She then throws her hands up and shakes her head. I put my arms up in a "WTF, are you serious?" type of gesture. This donkey, in the ultimate donkey move, makes a bunch of hand gestures pointing at the right lane and forward towards the other donkey who is now 2 blocks away stopped at another red light.
A stupid person in her position might be thinking something like "you idiot, that guy made it through the light, why couldn't you have gone, so that I could have run the red light even farther behind you. I could have gotten home 27 seconds earlier if it wasn't for you!" But no, remember, this is a donkey. Donkeys make stupid people look brilliant. I'm 100% that what was going through this donkeys mind (other than her air conditioning) was something more like "uhhhhhh, ghhhhrrlllll, duhhhhhhh, ummmmmm, gaaaaahhhhh."
I'm pretty sure what we need to do is sacrifice one of our own by having him jump off of a cliff. Then, one by one, all of the donkeys in the world will follow, because if he did it, they should be able to as well.
Morphy
So I'm driving home on a Friday night after work. It's been a crazy week all-around, and I'm looking forward to getting home and relaxing. I'm driving on the same street from DOW #1 which is a boulevard type street (2 lanes per side, separated by a median). It's rush hour, so there are quite a few cars on the road, and with stop lights every few blocks, traffic backs up fairly often. One of the main causes of traffic backups are donkeys who run red lights.
So, I'm driving in the left lane, doing maybe 34mph in a 30mph zone. There are cars in front, next to, and behind me. Up ahead, the light changes from green to yellow. I put my brakes on to stop my car at the light that will be red by the time I reach it. As expected, a donkey in the right lane floors it, doing about 45mph as he runs the red light. It’s amazing that donkey didn’t cause an accident, since he entered the intersection at least a full second AFTER the light changed red.
While this is happening I look in my rear view mirror at the donkey in the Jeep Cherokee who has to slam on her brakes to keep from hitting me. She then throws her hands up and shakes her head. I put my arms up in a "WTF, are you serious?" type of gesture. This donkey, in the ultimate donkey move, makes a bunch of hand gestures pointing at the right lane and forward towards the other donkey who is now 2 blocks away stopped at another red light.
A stupid person in her position might be thinking something like "you idiot, that guy made it through the light, why couldn't you have gone, so that I could have run the red light even farther behind you. I could have gotten home 27 seconds earlier if it wasn't for you!" But no, remember, this is a donkey. Donkeys make stupid people look brilliant. I'm 100% that what was going through this donkeys mind (other than her air conditioning) was something more like "uhhhhhh, ghhhhrrlllll, duhhhhhhh, ummmmmm, gaaaaahhhhh
I'm pretty sure what we need to do is sacrifice one of our own by having him jump off of a cliff. Then, one by one, all of the donkeys in the world will follow, because if he did it, they should be able to as well.
Morphy
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