Or is that Donking Tweets? Hello Manifestites. I bring you a quick blog entry to announce that you can find yours truly on Twitter now at www.twitter.com/xaqmorphy. The main use for this will be to announce new blog posts, but of course I will also be telling idiots to shut up. I may throw some other random stuff in there as well. Follow me! Or don't. Either way.
Yours Donkily,
Morphy
Monday, April 25, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
The Donkey Manifesto Presents: Shut Up Idiot
Hello Manifestites! That’s right, 4 (FOUR) posts in 1 (ONE) month. Can you believe it? We haven’t had this since, well, the last time we had it (2007 for anyone counting). I like the approach I’ve been taking with the shorter entries. Of course you guys are going to expect this to keep up, so I’ll see what I can do. I’m still working off of some older material, but at some point I’m sure I’ll get new material in. I’ve gone back to playing on what I’ve called my donk sweet donk site, and the play and chat there are, well, donkteresting. I had a really good chat going yesterday and the site’s software is so fucked up that it locked up just by trying to copy the chat to paste to a file. Argh!
This entry I want to highlight one of my favorite terms from the past few years, which is simply, shut up idiot. It’s hilarious how something so simple and straight forward can get people completely bent out of shape. It’s taken on a sort of cult following. Some of it might have a guess you had to be there sort of feel to it, but if you have the sense of humor that I do, the more you use it the more amusing it will be.
It all starts back with this quote, from the second entry of The List:
thenutlow: gonna ratstab his way to another $6 profit and then ysteriously have to do some made up bullshit so he can run down his hole with that big bag of loot ratting its way on his shoulder
thenutlow: "ratstab"
thenutlow: verb: to win a small sum of money quickly and escape the table for spurious reasons
To describe what was happening here, my friend A-Ten_suited spent one afternoon sitting at a table, playing enough to win a few dollars (literally), then leave the table. He kept saying things to me via AIM like “ffs woman leave me alone!” or “argh wife needs me again brb” every time he left the table. Yet, he would show up at a new table 30 seconds later and do it all over again. This went on for way too long, and TNL and I were damn near in tears watching it. Thus, the chat above.
Sometime in 2008 a newish (and now deceased) poker site named FSG appeared. It was one of those new generation sites with really shitty software and a tiny player base, but was “legal” because you could either play completely for free, or purchase a monthly subscription to be able to play various tournaments using points instead of cash, but could still earn cash prizes. The main draw to the site was a $50k freeroll they were offering. All you had to do was final table some other smaller free tournament once and you were entered in it. Most people took advantage of this and played to just try to enter the freeroll, while there were others who practically lived on the site. Anyway, I needed to come up with a name for the site, so I took A-Ten’s wife’s name and put a Beavis & Butthead spin on it and came up with The Great Patholio, or Patholio for short. A typical entry into a room for me was:
PATHOLIO: I AM THE GREAT PATHOLIO!!!
Of course someone always had something to say, so I’d pull the famous line:
PATHOLIO: ARE YOU THREATENING ME???
Remember, things are always funny when they are in caps. You can imagine the standard response from some of these morons that don’t have a sense of humor and are there to play their free poker game seriously. Naturally a few had some choice comments. One day I just blurted out:
PATHOLIO: SHUT UP IDIOT
For some reason that was really funny to me, so I just started using it everywhere I could. I even created the website www.shutupidiot.info which is there for your use. Enjoy!
The first documented use of “shut up idiot” was somewhere in May or so of 2008, and documented here in this episode of Random Donk Chat:
h82bukid: lol
h82bukid: true to your name
DOKTER DONKEY: shut up idiot
Here, a good 3 years later, it still cracks me up every time I see it. I don’t know why, and it very well could be unfunny to my readers, but since I write these entries mostly for myself, I don’t much give a shit.
From that same blog entry above I had a few encounters with a player named PhippsJ, who is one of those typical morons who thinks he knows everything and always has something to say. Well, what’s the best response to something like that?
PhippsJ: your like the 5 foot 5 guy at the bar trying to pick fights
PhippsJ: and everyone just laughs at
DOKTER DONKEY: yup that's me
DOKTER DONKEY: except I'm 5 foot 10
DOKTER DONKEY: and have a blackbelt in dawnkeigh-do
Well no, that wasn’t it, although that’s pretty good too. Here it is:
PhippsJ: great hand to play out of position
DOKTER DONKEY: shut up idiot
It works everywhere. Here’s an example of how well it fits into a standard donk chat:
KeithFichas: ??
XaQ Morphy: shut up idiot
KeithFichas: ok i am a idiot but play and shut up plx
XaQ Morphy: what does plx mean?
KeithFichas: please
XaQ Morphy: oh yeah, the x is silent?
KeithFichas: are u a children?
XaQ Morphy: are u a moron?
KeithFichas: very funny
XaQ Morphy: shut up idiot
Simple, to the point, game, set, match. Oh, and, shut up idiot.
Here’s another one. This guy just couldn’t leave well enough alone. We were playing 8 game on Stars, and a razz hand came up. He had no clue what he was talking about, I won the hand, he had to say something.
poo500: nh idiot
XaQ Morphy: shut up idiot
See? Simple, effective. But they can’t ever sit there and just not say anything after being called an idiot.
poo500: i allways get stuck with the lucky morons in these things
XaQ Morphy: so it's everyone else?
poo500: yes u played that hand amazing
XaQ Morphy: thanks
I don’t get many compliments when I play, so I need to thank them when they do.
poo500: u were ahead all the time
poo500: i played mine really bad
poo500: ****ing clown
poo500: go learn something b4 u open ur mouth
XaQ Morphy: not sure if you know this, but razz is a 7 card game
XaQ Morphy: hey poo, I just ran the odds on that hand
XaQ Morphy: and it said after 7th street I was 100%/0%
Notice the similarities between these chats and the “nice bluff” chats. They’ll never learn. Never. Which is a good thing for you guys because it means I’ll have a constant supply of material.
poo500: u were behinde the hole way
XaQ Morphy: the hole way?
poo500: ur donkey a.ss got saved and u no it
XaQ Morphy: do you mean whole way?
XaQ Morphy: care to make a wager that I wasn't behind the "whole" way?
poo500: u got lucky just shut up
poo500: why u keep going on
XaQ Morphy: say $500?
XaQ Morphy: $2k?
XaQ Morphy: $5k?
XaQ Morphy: your life?
poo500: why would o open ur mouth and start when u suck out on someone
XaQ Morphy: shut up idiot
Heh, cracks me up. Every time.
poo500: no thats u
XaQ Morphy: you were the one with the comment
XaQ Morphy: I want to bet you though, you think I was behind the whole way
XaQ Morphy: let's put some money on it
poo500: do u allways play really bad, get lucky then start with the crap?
XaQ Morphy: yeah usually, so what of it?
Unfortunately he gave up after this. Maybe he realized he couldn’t possibly win, maybe he was busy frantically writing notes on how big of a donk I was, maybe he looked up the hand in question and realized he was completely wrong, or maybe his mom took his computer away.
Finally we have another encounter with the clueless. In the poker hand prior to this chat, conboy1969 was all-in, I called and someone else called, on the flop the other guy shoves with no hand, no draw and conboy1969 wins the pot. Naturally I would have won if he hadn’t bet, but that’s ok, I’m used to those by now. I start out innocently enough, with the comment to the other player:
XaQ Morphy: good bet there sparky
conboy1969: tanks
XaQ Morphy: yeah you should thank him
conboy1969: falk you dont tell me what to do
Sigh, here we go. I wasn’t even talking to this moron and he chimes in with this. Now let’s see, what possible answer could I use to reply to him? Hmmm, maybe…nah, that’s too obvious, well yeah fuck it, bonzai!
XaQ Morphy: shut up idiot
conboy1969: yankee goof
XaQ Morphy: canadian, uhh, canadian
conboy1969: WHOS XAQ YOUR BOY FRIEND
conboy1969: special
XaQ Morphy: who the hell are you talking to?
conboy1969: you donk
XaQ Morphy: ok then you're too stupid for me to understand, sorry
Seriously, I have no clue wtf he’s talking about. He’s asking me if I’m my boyfriend? Uhhh, righty-o.
conboy1969: nc house prices down there
Well there’s certainly an insult that strikes close to, uhhh, home. Waiting for the “sticks and stones” line any minute here.
conboy1969: might bye 3 more next week
XaQ Morphy: bye?
XaQ Morphy: how about you buy yourself a high school education?
conboy1969: got 1
conboy1969: do you
conboy1969: sorry kicked out i kindergarden
conboy1969: in
So he spells every other word wrong and corrects “in.” Brilliant. Meanwhile I beat him in a hand where I was behind and caught up to bust him (shit happens, what can I say. If luck weren’t involved I’d lose every one).
conboy1969: lol
XaQ Morphy: canadian goof
conboy1969: lmao
Dealer: conboy1969 finished the tournament in 10th place
XaQ Morphy: gg wp nh ul
Ahh yes the optimal parting gift: “good game, well played, nice hand, unluck”. These were the Fifty/50 sit and gos on Stars. 10 people, top 5 get paid based on chip count. He finished in a respectable 10th out of well, 10. About 30 minutes later he showed up in another one I was in.
conboy1969: hey xaq you huge donk
XaQ Morphy: who are you?
conboy1969: carefull who you falk with xaq donk
XaQ Morphy: oh noes
XaQ Morphy: conboy is gonna stupid me to death
conboy1969: about an hour agao shouldnt be too hard
XaQ Morphy: conboy, I'm bored, say something stupid
conboy1969: carefull I said donk
XaQ Morphy: shut up idiot
Weird thing here, he did shut up! Are they finally learning? Well, I doubt that. But until next time, see if you can find creative uses for shut up idiot, and send them to me. I know with the whole online poker fiasco most of you aren’t playing anymore, but if you can find ways to fit that into every day conversations, send them to me and I’ll be sure to post them.
Yours Donkily,
Morphy
Monday, April 18, 2011
Donking the Spellchecker
Hello Manifestites! I know you guys are probably freaking out about so many posts in such a short time, but hey, when I say I’m going to deliver, I uhh, well, I mean, err, sometimes I, uhh, ok yeah so how about another post? I will say that the shorter post last time seemed to go over just as well, so I’m going to keep going with the shorter post/greater number of posts route.
Before I start this I might as well say a few words on the current state of online poker in the US. As most everyone should know by now, Friday April 15th, the US DoJ and FBI indicted the owners of PokerStars, FullTilt poker, and those cheating fucks over at Absolute Poker/UltimateBet. They also indicted a slew of payment processors, seized bank accounts and generally did what they do in cases of money laundering and fraud. I won’t really go into my thoughts on most of this only to say that online poker in the US is about to undergo some drastic changes. Until everything is figured out across the board there’s not much to do, well, except read blog entries and laugh at everyone jumping around threating to move to another country because their favorite poker site broke laws and got busted for it. Fortunately there are still a few places left to play, and we can hope the chat keeps pouring in so I can provide my faithful reader(s) with some more material. Onwards!
We had fun with the English Is Donking Hard post with mostly non-English speakers, but the really amusing ones are the ones who natively speak English, are “intelligent” (and I use that word lightly) enough to figure out how to use a computer, yet butcher the English language so badly that you have to wonder if they are going out of their way to try. I ran into this guy a while back and walked away with the distinct impression that he just didn’t care. About anything. In the hand, player RogueWiener (lol) made a fairly large raise/shove, and slivy folded. Then we have:
slivy: lol
slivy: thank you
slivy: fo beting os much
slivy: thank yuou
slivy: lol
slivy: cnat wai to pu****** all in
slivy: they avhe touenryes here ay know
slivy: u ugys kil me
slivy: dyingot push chips all in
XaQ Morphy: english?
English, no doubt. You should see what MS Word’s spell check does to this shit. Last time I saw that much red on a paper was in high school when I had to sit next to this semi-retarded kid who did his homework by putting a pen in his mouth and randomly drooling all over it and the paper on his desk in an attempt to write. Apparently getting stuffed into a locker too many times causes retardation. Poor guy. Who knew?
I guess what slivy’s trying to say is that he doesn’t approve of the other guy betting so much. He must have had a draw of some sorts (likely the old 1 pair draw) and got mad at RogueWiener (lol. Sorry, too much Beavis & Butthead maybe, but that name makes me giggle) for betting so much, so that he couldn’t hit his hand cheaply and win the pot. That’s kind of the point of games with no limit betting. Back to the fun:
slivy: no
RogueWiener: should have sakked up to your big preraise
slivy: why?u adh aa or kk
slivy: oculdnt beat it
RogueWiener: then you shouldnt have been in the hand
slivy: is sacking up mena being stupid?
XaQ Morphy: dude no offense, but if you can't type a sentence without butchering a word you can't call someone else stupid
I can’t help to emphasize the point I made here. We see this all the time in various online forums, poker tables, etc. People who can’t string a simple sentence together calling each other idiots. They ARE idiots of course, but if they realized they were idiots, would they still be idiots? If a tree fell on an idiot in a forest, would the tree make noise? Would the idiot whine? Would anyone care? Anyway…
slivy: i got 4 sites pen
slivy: 12 tables
slivy: sorry
Oh great. The reason he’s typing like a legally blind semi-retarded ostrich (thanks for that brew) is because he’s playing on 12 tables spread across 4 sites. I guess the only positive point about it is that he’s a really bad player and isn’t really slowing the game down. I’d go on a rant about these kids living in their parents’ basements playing 20 tables at a time and barely making as much as they would running a corner lemonade stand, but there’s simply not enough time in the day to type out exactly how I feel about them. Back to the donking:
slivy: try for w chek riase iwth the jack?
RogueWiener: maybe someone on the other tables will let you hang around in hands to catch some bs, not me
slivy: do what u wnat
slivy: i dont give a ***
slivy: why woud u assume i care?
Damn, he almost did it. Almost got through one line without butchering something. Almost.
RogueWiener: because you keep talking about it
slivy: keep?
slivy: i entioned one thing
slivy: si di u wcant wit ot ge tall in
slivy: neve sisd anogteh word
RogueWiener: im past it if you are
slivy: dud ei dont care
slivy: u cnat wit ot ge tall in
slivy: are u taking it as some kind of insult?
RogueWiener: no
And there we have it. There’s at least 2 lines in there that I can barely decipher what slivy is trying to say. Needless to say, shortly after this chat he made a stupid play, busted his stack and took off without saying another word. And also needless to say, I’ve never seen him since.
This next one I’m putting this one here because I don’t know where else to put it. I won’t even try to explain this:
pails09: mc sleeve i can't wait to snap u off u gerbil stufferrrrr
Of course then we have the geographically challenged donks:
gzagenius11 [observer]: and i have won live tourneys at the montreal casino
dagon2467: whers that
Who IS buried in Grant’s tomb anyway? Where is the Washington Monument? What state is the capital of Alabama located in? What country is spelled I-T-A-L-Y? I know these are hard questions, sorry, it certainly wasn’t my intention to make my readers think!
So what makes a good online poker name? Are the witty names the best? The inside jokes that no one understands but has some sort of meaning to the owner? Something completely nondescript that doesn’t stand out? Some retarded new trendy phrase containing one or more of the following: 420, 69, philivey, teddykbg, pwn? We’ve all come across some pretty amusing names in the past, from DOKTER DONKEY to one of my personal favorites, Stu Pidasle. This next exchange got a good chuckle out of me:
CallMeNames checks
XaQ Morphy bets $21
CallMeNames has 15 seconds left to act
XaQ Morphy: fold asswipe
CallMeNames folds
Hey, he asked for it! I see a lot of players with certain hands/cards as their name. Like, if I see a guy with a name like AAbuster, I secretly hope I can bust him when he’s holding AA. Or if his name is 43offsuit I’m most likely losing ¾ of my stack to him trying to bluff him with 43o. My friend A-Ten_suited picked his name in his early days of playing, and apparently wishes he could change it, as seen in this next bit:
Joey5883: i hate a-10 suited
A-Ten_suited: me too
Ro0M 1.8.7.: you hate the hand...or the player
Joey5883: hand
A-Ten_suited: player
I’ll end this entry with a short but bizarre exchange I had a few years ago. Every once and a while this guy shows up on AIM and has a line or two to say. He’s a former RGPer and I haven’t spent much time talking to him, but our chats are always short and amusing, like this one:
(7:38:41 PM) Phillyscr: you like chutney?
(7:40:20 PM) XaQ Morphy: seems like a silly question
(7:40:35 PM) Phillyscr: yea - that is what I told Lenny Jenkins
(7:40:40 PM) XaQ Morphy: word
(7:40:48 PM) Phillyscr: to your motha
That’s probably a great way to end this entry. Until next time!
Yours Donkily,
Morphy
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
English Is Donking Hard!
Hello Manifestites! After writing up the last entry with the old chat from 2007 I realized that I really miss writing these blog entries. Sure, lack of material is and has been an issue, but I also realized that I enjoy reading my own entries enough that even if I were the only reader of the blog I think I’d be ok with it. They say simple things amuse simple minds and well, I’m amused a lot.
One of the things I have noticed, however, is that over the years the entries themselves have gotten longer. What ended up happening was that I wouldn’t write up an entry right after it happened, so instead of a bunch of smaller entries I’d get one big entry. Sure the entry in itself was great, but I found myself trying to tie completely unrelated things together all in the sake of clearing out the material. I completely forgot our motto here at the Manifesto, which is quantity over quality. So on that note what I’m going to do from now on is try to write up things shortly after they happen and keep the entries somewhat smaller overall. We’ll see if it works. I do have a bunch of material stored up that I’ve gathered over the past few years when the blog was mostly dormant, so what that means for my faithful reader(s???) is that you can expect a few more entries in the near future.
The theme of this particular entry is loosely based off of difficulties with the English language. As you’ve seen over the years, I’ve had plenty of interesting, uhh, “discussions” with donks all over the world, and they make for some highly entertaining situations. For some highlights, we’ll start by going all the way back to one of my favorite entries from 2005, The Time-Space Con-Donkey-Um, a pure classic. From there we take a trip to 2006 somewhere in Nigeria with Donk Donk Walla Walla Donk Donk. I was too busy with the PLO videos and such in 2007, but 2008 brings us the ever famous trenzen in You are donk of puta. 2009 was a slow year and 2010 all I really did was the Rush Poker posts. There were a few others in there somewhere but those will do nicely to keep you busy while I write this. Err wait, by the time you read this I’ll be done already. Are you done yet? Am I done yet? Woah, I think I just travelled through time. Is it 7:17pm for you guys too?
Err sorry, anyway, this entry will feature one main encounter with an English challenged donk, but before we start with that I want to kick things off with a few RGP posts from 2006 from a poster who we’ll call Daniel because well, that’s the name he posted under. Daniel’s native language obviously wasn’t English, so while it would be just funny enough to make fun of him for that, what he came up with was one of the most amusing phrases that has been a standby since the day he posted it.
From: Daniel
Subject: How many you see hands like this at PS??
Why every 3 hands at STARS one and is always like this.WHYYYY? Every one says thats not rigged, ok ok, but at least agree that the software generate action hands with a lot of bad river at river.
He then posted a hand where he had KK and got all-in on a flop of T88 with J9. Turn brought a 7 to give J9 the straight, but the river brought a 4th diamond to give Daniel a flush. In other words, Daniel won the pot, but used that hand as some sort of proof that the “software generate action hands with a lot of bad river at river.” Whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean. Well I’ve never been one to let something like that pass by, so I jump right in and reply:
From: XaQ Morphy
If you think it's rigged, stop fucking playing there you moron. No one gives a fuck about your $3 loss or your views on rigged poker. The only thing you have going for you is that because English is your 4th or 5th native language, your posts come out making you look like a raving nitwit. But seriously, fuck off.
Naturally Daniel takes offense to that, and fires back, providing one of the best taglines to date:
From: Daniel
Well thats a post of a great player, for sure. About the 3$, those hands happens at every levels, and for sure you are a loser. Allways same escuses,"bla bla 3$,blabla only 1$ no one cares, bla bla only 5$ thats for donkeys". What fucking stakes you play? 100000? You are my hero. English is not my native language,and im glad of that.But its funny that you had perfectly understud what i said and i also understand everything, but moron only speak one language.And like you said that no one cares so dont post. Die far to not smell badly.
Die far to not smell badly??!??! That is simply awesome. It was a catch phrase on RGP for weeks after that, and still every once and a while it will show up in post where someone butchers the English language. I still don’t know what it means, but fuck me that’s some funny shit right there.
Online poker has really opened up world-wide and in the past few years the rest of the world has been experiencing various poker booms similar to what the US saw in 2004-05. As a result of this there’s players from all over the world at every table, and because the online sites have English only chat rules, some of the chat can be rather amusing to those of us who are easily amused. I pick up chat here and there and save it just for this purpose. See, you can be playing, see something stupid and think it’s stupid enough, but when someone chimes in with:
iso lero: two biddest idiots
iso lero: on hole tournament
You can’t help but to laugh. Or how about this next guy, who I’m afraid to say actually was from the US:
nhabn: FCK U all hope you al ldie andfck
Sometimes they even try to communicate with each other but fail miserably:
GrinDEr770: horriable
Thuong1712: yes it does bro !
Yes it does bro indeed! Some time back in late 2009 I played a donk from the nether regions of the world who goes by the name arturo468 on PokerStars. I shared it with some friends but for some reason never thought to share it with the blog. My apologies, I don’t know what I was thinking.
We start out with a relatively innocent poker hand. It folds to arturo in the small blind and he gobbles. Gobbling of course is the term for min raising made famous by TNL and then used mercilessly and beat into the ground by the rest of us. I had the monster hand that is Q5 in the big blind, but gobbling drives me nuts, so I decided to call and take the pot away from him on the flop if I could. The flop came T5T with no flush draw possible, and he again gobbled (min bet). Well, gobble is as gobble does, so I re-gobbled. He then pulled the seldom used re-re-gobble. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have a fkin thing at this point, so I move all-in on him. Naturally he folds but then immediately says:
arturo468: fold KK
Uhh, what? He folded KK? If so, that’s damn near the worst played KK in history, despite all of the comments I make about folding that shit preflop cause it never wins. Well, I couldn’t let that go without a comment, but I can’t really come out guns blazing here, so I start out slow…
Grant1525: lol really?
arturo468: juro..((Yn)
arturo468: you 10?
Grant1525: no I had Q5o
arturo468: Q?
SlackMac1: hehe
A lot of times people will just say “good fold” and make up a hand that beat what their opponents had (or what they claim they had), even if they were bluffing. Sometimes both players are lying about what they had, and in some cases we get things like Player A telling Player B that what he had was really what Player B had. Anyway, I felt no reason not to tell him exactly what I had, since he likely won’t believe it. Notice a player named SlackMac1 jumps in as well. Time to get him confused…err, more confused, since I have no clue wtf “juro..((Yn)” is supposed to mean, unless it’s some secret sort of programming language meant to change the background colors or something.
arturo468: ufffffff
Grant1525: I had AA
Grant1525: good fold
arturo468: ok ok
arturo468: ufff
arturo468: ...
Grant1525: ok ok
arturo468: i had KK,,,
Grant1525: wtfffff
Yeah I don’t know wtf all the fffffffs were for, but I wanted to jump in and see what the big deal was with them. Turns out they are overrated.
arturo468: I you do not bellieve that you had TO TO
Grant1525: well I'm not sure what TO TO is, but I didn't have it
SlackMac1: toto was dorthy's dog in the wizard of oz
Grant1525: no place for KK, no place for KK
Grant1525: I'll get you my pretty, you and your KK too!!!
arturo468: jajaja, the truth that well, you tape, worm, that to have throw shot allin , whit KK
Grant1525: uhh, what?
Oh boy, here we go. First the obvious wizard of oz joke, couldn’t pass that up no matter how cheesy it was. Just one of those things that everyone expected but still got a chuckle out of me, so needed to be done. That “jajaja” shit drives me crazy. Apparently certain countries are so fucked up that they can’t even afford the h key on their keyboards, so everytjing is jajaja jello go to jell jappy jalloween and sjit tje jell up and well you see, tje list goes on and on to tje point of sjeer ridiculousness. Or sometjing.
Anyway, I don’t really get what he’s saying, but I think he called me a tapeworm. I’ve been called worse. But here we go, game on!
arturo468: that **** you DONK
Grant1525: hey now, no need to get testy, just because I out played you
arturo468: it he seem to me likely
Grant1525: is this a word scramble of some sorts?
arturo468: ??
arturo468: what?
Yeah poor bastard has no clue what’s going on. Meanwhile arturo gets into another hand and folds. He asks his opponent what he has, and I can’t help but jump in.
arturo468: youhad?
faflar: kj
Grant1525: I had TO TO
arturo468: i had 99
SlackMac1: previous hand function is a mystical thing
Grant1525: its mystery is only exceeded by its power
Bonus points for those of you who get this reference.
SlackMac1: ill bet you 10 that he had arturo
arturo468: ok
arturo468: NH
Grant1525: I bet how you know A 10 he had
rfeverlast: nh
arturo468: ty
arturo468: you had?
arturo468: A=
arturo468: yes?
rfeverlast: a7
arturo468: yyes ok ok
Grant1525: I had TO TO again
arturo468: :O?
arturo468: K 10
arturo468: idiot
Grant1525: don't smile at me
I find it’s best to fight donk with donk, so I just randomly re-arranged words figuring he might understand them. Right about this time I raised in late position with KQ, a short stack shoved on me, I was getting almost 2.5:1 on a call and can’t really fold there, so I called and lost to A6o. Pretty standard situation in a tournament, and one that most people won’t think twice about, being on either side of it. Well, most people doesn’t include our jajaja buddy here, as you can see:
arturo468: jajaja K Q?
arturo468: good bye
arturo468: good bye DONK
Note that I still have chips here. All this donk saw was that I called an all-in and he didn’t bother to look at stack sizes (which are right there on the screen for those who don’t play online poker), so he didn’t realize I was still in the tournament with plenty of chips.
Grant1525: lol you are truly stupid aren't you arturo?
Grant1525: I still have chips moron
Grant1525: fkin nitwit
arturo468: yeaaah jajaja
arturo468: K Q it is called the hand of the idiot since as your jajaja
Grant1525: so you fold KQ getting over 2:1 there, sparky?
Grant1525: oh wait, let me ask this: do you know what 2:1 is?
arturo468: jajajaa
Grant1525: that's what I thought, thanks
arturo468: idiot
Grant1525: yes, you are
Grant1525: but it's ok, keep typing "jajaja" and all will be well
arturo468: I happen of discussing whit you, this is poker friends
Grant1525: yeah I'm sorry, I have no fkin clue wtf you are trying to say
Grant1525: can we get a translator? someone proficient in translating moron to English?
arturo468: jajajaaj, man, i am spanish enough that i defend myself whit the english man estudpi
Grant1525: do you know a guy named trenzen by chance?
arturo468: do not grate the head and keep silent about you already
Die far to not smell badly! Seriously, this is almost as good. Do not grate the head. Dear lord. I mean I suppose I should be happy that they are at least trying, since the non-English chat happening online is a pretty big issue and even with their online chat moderators, PokerStars doesn’t seem to want to do anything about it. But that doesn’t mean we can’t make fun of them!
I hope you enjoyed this one. Hopefully I’ll have some other (relatively) shorter entries soon. Until next time!
Yours Donkily,
Morphy
Monday, April 11, 2011
Donking Like It's 2007
Hello Manifestites! Remember me? I think it's obvious that the blog has sort of taken a back seat to the other priorities in my life. However, I haven't forgotten about it, nor about you, my loyal readers (assuming any of you still have the blog bookmarked or even know it exists). I don't read RGP much anymore, only post if there's a trolling to be had (and yet the morons there still don't believe that I'm trolling, which is flat out awesome). I got ironman status on FullTilt for 13 months straight in 2010 and earlier this year, but I finally got off of that. That rush poker is like crack, and combined with the ironman shit, it's just a big time suck and turned into only a slightly winning year for less than 10 buyins for me. The problem is that when I play, if I want to quit for any reason I just quit. Well, I should say that's how I like to play. With the ironman goal looming overhead, I had to hit a certain amount of points each day, so even if I was 100% sure that I wasn't playing my best game, if I didn't hit my goal I had to stay on and play. Enough of that!
So all that said, I still have ideas for blog entries. I've talked to a few of you about this already, but I'm seriously considering doing a documentary of sorts on RGP's resident nutcase igotskillz. He is truly insane, and there's so many levels of it I really don't even know where to start. My thoughts were to go back to years ago when he was convinced a player on PokerStars was booting people from tournaments and then the Stars' owners showed up and insulted his mom. Yeah, that is as ridiculous as it sounds. It goes way past that, from rigged poker sites to mail order brides to 2012 end of the world drama and now he thinks he's an alien. Yes, I'm serious. If anyone has any ideas about how to do this (or better yet, wants to help me with research and fact gathering, for recognition or anonymously), please drop me an email. I think it would make for a great series, and might even kick start the blog back into action.
Anyway, onto the point of this post. A few days ago I was searching around my computer for something that I can't remember right now, and I found a bunch of text files with various chats and things dating back to 2007. Looking through them, a few had the famous "nice bluff" line, first introduced here: http://donkeymanifesto.blogspot.com/2007/05/tilt-donk-chapter-48.html. I believe my plan was to keep gathering various poker chats and do another random donk chat post, but at the time I was heavy into the Uber Troll (found here: http://donkeymanifesto.blogspot.com/2007/05/worst-music-ever-uber-troll-part-1.html), and then shortly after started the series of PLO videos (that link contains a main link with the videos archived). After all that I just forgot about the text files and seriously just found them recently. So all that said, here we go, for the 2007 throwback edition of Random Donk Chat!
It all starts on Bodog, which was my home for many years and I'm happy to say I've started playing again. It's like 2005 all over again, and like I never left. So apparently based on my notes, this guy bet $50 into an $8 pot, and I must have been having a bad day:
XaQ Morphy: now what kind of stupid idiotic bet is that?
XaQ Morphy: are you really that stupid?
XaQ Morphy: *
jdog1974: well call
XaQ Morphy: why would I call that?
XaQ Morphy: I mean really
XaQ Morphy: that one I'll call though
My only guess is that he made another stupid bet with something incredibly retarded, and I called it and won.
jdog1974: good call
XaQ Morphy: thanks
jdog1974: well
XaQ Morphy: wtf
XaQ Morphy: jnesus
XaQ Morphy: you guys are fuckin *s
XaQ Morphy: what kinda idiot uses the raise any button?
XaQ Morphy: then bets $50 into an $8 pot?
XaQ Morphy: this fuckin hurts my head, I can't take it anymore
Ahh the good old Bodog swear filter bug. Unfortunately they've since fixed it. F%%uckin morons.
Just a little teaser to get us started. The next entry takes part during FullTilt's regular series of tourneys, the FTOPS. I don't remember much about the tourney, so we'll get right into the events:
Dealer: Pechorin wins the pot (100)
Dealer: Pechorin wins the pot (125)
Dealer: Pechorin has 15 seconds left to act
I leave the above lines in because there's a self-donk incident coming up. Stay tuned.
Dealer: XaQ Morphy wins the pot (150)
12thMan2 (Observer): yay
XaQ Morphy: heh
XaQ Morphy: Paul, check your email
12thMan2 (Observer): OK
So here is a friend of mine, obviously named Paul. I either emailed him earlier and wanted him to check it, or probably posted something retarded that happened at the table before he got there and had no other way to tell him without letting the table realize I was onto their donkishness. Our new friend "suckoutonu" apparently took offense to this, and started in on me.
suckoutonu: wtf can i get an email too please?
suckoutonu: i dont want to be left out
mnyhunter: lol
XaQ Morphy: no email for you!
suckoutonu: oh so your talking about me
suckoutonu: so mny your name is paul?
mnyhunter: no just thought it was funny
suckoutonu: paul echorin?
suckoutonu: yup that makes more sense
Ok so you have to understand that on FullTilt if you have the default config for chat, all the chat lines are intermingled with dealer status lines, tournament announcements, and other nonsense. I must have not been paying anywhere near as much attention to the table as I should have been, because his "paul echorin" comment made no sense at the time. Hopefully you've caught on by now who he was referring to, but at the time, I didn't. Meanwhile this guy goes from babbling about his hand, to...
suckoutonu: nice job
suckoutonu: my 2 outer was coming boy that q was gonna hit
mnyhunter: had aq
suckoutonu: 1 outer
suckoutonu: ok i did not have qq i had kk
suckoutonu: i still had 2 outs
suckoutonu: lol
suckoutonu: xaq and pechorin sitting in a tree
suckoutonu: they tought they were slick
mnyhunter: kissing
suckoutonu: but got busted by mr suckit
Uhh, right. While he's going off about who knows what, I had 44 and got all-in vs. KK on a 4QK all diamond flop. A pretty gross situation, sure, but not the easiest hand to get away from. Fortunately for me the board ran out Ad Td and we split both playing the board. If it weren't for luck in poker I'd lose every time, but this presents a unique opportunity for me.
Dealer: chapz805 shows [Kh Kc]
Dealer: XaQ Morphy shows [4h 4s]
suckoutonu: they are passing notes
Dealer: chapz805 shows a flush, Ace high
Dealer: XaQ Morphy shows a flush, Ace high
Dealer: chapz805 ties for the pot (6,310) with a flush, Ace high
Dealer: XaQ Morphy ties for the pot (6,310) with a flush, Ace high
suckoutonu: wow
PrimO-G (Observer): stupid
XaQ Morphy: nice bluff
Sometimes it's the simplest of comments that gets people riled up. "Nice bluff" works so well.
mnyhunter: pocket 5s and a diamond
emjohn2007: he had a set of K's...ur the one who should feel extremely lucky to still be at the table murphy
XaQ Morphy: who the hell is murphy?
emjohn2007: morphy...better
emjohn2007: ?
XaQ Morphy: much, thanks
emjohn2007: boy that would have sucked...from a double stack to out
tedders_nc: set lose to a set....no prob
suckoutonu: now morph its not just the p in echorin name that is giving it away you know
XaQ Morphy: suckout, wtf are you talking about?
So here's suckoutonu going on about this p echorin thing, which I still haven't picked up on, but what I'm really hoping for is for someone to really grab the bait.
tedders_nc: went down firing
tedders_nc: he had you set over set
XaQ Morphy: I had a flush
emjohn2007: ha
XaQ Morphy: do you guys even know how to play poker?
XaQ Morphy: come on
That should be enough. Now to watch the mayhem, of course helping out as much as I can. My good friend BTS invented a new religion called World Burners, where we set fire to things and sit back and watch them burn. But sometimes it's fun to join in by throwing gasoline covered pieces of dynamite to the fire instead...
tedders_nc: you both got the flush
XaQ Morphy: yes, that's why we split
tedders_nc: he had KKK you had 444
XaQ Morphy: no, I had a flush
tedders_nc: well hell we all had the same flush
XaQ Morphy: I had 4QKA10 all diamonds
XaQ Morphy: you folded, how did you have a flush?
tedders_nc: stfu
tedders_nc: idiot
XaQ Morphy: lol
XaQ Morphy: I can do this all night
suckoutonu: man cancel the break this table is heated
suckoutonu: continue play
XaQ Morphy: no
XaQ Morphy: another round of chase your tail please
So here I flat out tell them that I'm messing with them. They'll stop now, right?
emjohn2007: go for it...but the bottom line is...u hit runner runner flush cards to split it up
LOL nope, he's still going!
suckoutonu: morphy what did that email say to pechorin?
God this fucker is still on about the email and pechorin, I'm going to have to seriously multi-task here, stoking the fire AND telling an idiot I have no clue wtf he's talking about.
XaQ Morphy: ok listen, I don't know how long you kids have been playing poker, but in texas holdem, the best 5 card hand wins
emjohn2007: otherwise u were drawing to a 1 outer to win the whole pot
XaQ Morphy: and I had 4QKA10 all diamonds, which is a flush, and so did he
XaQ Morphy: suckout, I have no clue what you are talking about
XaQ Morphy: I emailed Paul, who is a friend of mine who is railing me here
12thMan2 (Observer): ROFL. This is why we paid the admission
emjohn2007: u guys r butt buddies then?
XaQ Morphy: see? that's Paul
XaQ Morphy: lol
XaQ Morphy: why do you internet donks always pull out the gay card when trying to insult someone?
emjohn2007: u said railing u
XaQ Morphy: yes, watching me from the rail
XaQ Morphy: like, as in, where you'll be pretty soon
XaQ Morphy: unless you can get your stack in with another gutshot draw
emjohn2007: oh...hmmm....just sayin..that can be perceived various ways
emjohn2007: i was double gutted by the way...if you wanna comment atleast be right
emjohn2007: smart guy
emjohn2007: oh guess u had to look back and unfortunately u found that i was right
XaQ Morphy: no, went and got another drink
XaQ Morphy: you're probably wrong though
emjohn2007: doesnt matter much anyhow cuz im prob gonna be gone in about 5 mins
cl12pak (Observer): Guys, I've seen XaQ play many hands. I've never seen him lose a hand where all 5 cards on board are the same and nobody else has that suit. He's undefeated. So, beware, be very bewarish.
I have no clue who the hell cl12pak is. He was chatting on the rail before this thing started (or railing, as it's commonly known, unless you're a homophobic retard that is).
XaQ Morphy: you make a good point
XaQ Morphy: whenever I have the best hand, I win the pot
emjohn2007: thats typical of me
XaQ Morphy: I normally don't give away my secrets, but that's one of them
Dealer: Pechorin has 15 seconds left to act
I just left this last line in there to show that this Pechorin guy is still at the table, and I'm still completely oblivious to it.
12thMan2 (Observer): Morphy, forget that "best hand " stuff. Too much Omaha
XaQ Morphy: Omaha? never been there
XaQ Morphy: was in Davenport, Iowa once tho, boring town
cl12pak (Observer): nh
12thMan2 (Observer): Mormonic
XaQ Morphy: hahaha
XaQ Morphy: umm
XaQ Morphy: suckout?
XaQ Morphy: I owe you an apology
XaQ Morphy: there's a guy on the table named Pechorin
XaQ Morphy: and I had no clue wtf you were talking about before
tedders_nc: yki
Pechorin: ?
tedders_nc: ghost in the backyard cheese
XaQ Morphy: I wouldn't ask, only bad news lives down the hole those answers are in
LOL so there we have it. This suckoutonu idiot was talking about p echorin and pechorin for what must have been 15 minutes, and it wasn't until I said it that the guy chimes in with the old "?" which translated from Donk into English means "huh? what are you talking about? wait, where am I?" Unfortunately they didn't take the bluff comment any further, so there's really nothing left after this point. I'd like to say that every one of my online chats ends with something epic, but well, they don't.
Ok well, this next one just might be what you were looking for. It starts out innocently enough. I was playing shorthanded pot limit holdem with a few idiots, raised with some crap, flopped top pair and shoved over the inevitable check raise. Well, this guy had a set, I went runner runner for a straight and won a $200 pot. Oops. Time for operation "nice bluff".
IneedGASmoney: fkin fish
XaQ Morphy: I knew you were bluffing
IneedGASmoney: i had a set
IneedGASmoney: idiot
XaQ Morphy: I had a straight
XaQ Morphy: get a "what beats what" chart
IneedGASmoney: iver
IneedGASmoney: u called wit a pair dominated to my set
XaQ Morphy: hey, you gonna reload?
XaQ Morphy: cause I can pick off ur bluffs a mile away
IneedGASmoney: are u stupid?
IneedGASmoney: when u called i had u crushed
XaQ Morphy: didn't the pot go my way?
IneedGASmoney: cuz u went runner runner idiiot
IneedGASmoney: not cuz i was bluffin
XaQ Morphy: it's ok, we all get caught bluffing from time to time
IneedGASmoney: cuz u needed perfect perfect to win
IneedGASmoney: is that bluffin
IneedGASmoney: no
XaQ Morphy: woah
IneedGASmoney: thast u bein completely dominatted in need of runenrs
XaQ Morphy: I appreciate the compliment, but I'm far from perfect
I crack myself up.
IneedGASmoney: perfect perfect meanns u had to hit running cards
IneedGASmoney: man u dont kno anything abt this game do u?
XaQ Morphy: english only please
IneedGASmoney: other than ohh top pair i call
XaQ Morphy: I didn't call
XaQ Morphy: I raised
IneedGASmoney: dominated
IneedGASmoney: lol
IneedGASmoney: u got so lucky
IneedGASmoney: dont try to justify ur call or raise as a good play
IneedGASmoney: u got ur money in really bad
IneedGASmoney: and u ran really good
XaQ Morphy: I picked off your bluff
XaQ Morphy: and now you're angry
IneedGASmoney: ok
IneedGASmoney: just tell me how it was a bluff
XaQ Morphy: I'm glad you understand now
IneedGASmoney: i had u beat the whole way until the river
IneedGASmoney: imma take all ur money
XaQ Morphy: if you had me beat, wouldn't the pot go your way?
IneedGASmoney: no cuz the river came
XaQ Morphy: it's a 7 card game, afterall
XaQ Morphy: oh
IneedGASmoney: damn irs like im talkin to a wall
IneedGASmoney: fkin idiot
XaQ Morphy: you didn't play your "don't deal the river card" chip?
IneedGASmoney: so ur sayin u picked me off bluffin with a set with top pair or are u sayin that u knew u were gonna river me and u called dominated?
LOL, some people never learn. I could have kept this going this all day. Or at least until I got hungry. So like 5 minutes or so.
Just then I had a great hand come up. Some jackass open limps the button, I check the big blind with the mighty A2, and the flop comes up A25 all clubs. The small blind checks, I bet the pot, button folds, SB calls. Turn is an offsuit 3, small blind checks and I check behind figuring I can't get much value out of a bet. River is a really funny (to me anyway) 2, and now the small blind (poin is his name) fires out a 2/3 pot bet. I figure he has a number of hands that can withstand a raise, most likely some crappy 2 pair that rivered a weaker full house, or maybe a completely retardedly played flush, or a 4 for a straight. I raise it up a bit over 3x his bet, and he re-raises again. Well I'm not folding and if he has one of the few hands that beats me good for him, so I put him all in and stack him for a $250 pot. He had K3 of clubs. Sick slowplay there, sparky. The chat that follows is great.
XaQ Morphy: see?
XaQ Morphy: he was bluffing too
IneedGASmoney: ur such a river !%&#$
IneedGASmoney: he flopped the fl
XaQ Morphy: not my fault he didn't bet his hand
IneedGASmoney: u river the boat
IneedGASmoney: lol
IneedGASmoney: that is true
XaQ Morphy: I mean really
IneedGASmoney: u didnt play the hand bad
IneedGASmoney: he should have bet more
IneedGASmoney: but still
IneedGASmoney: u got lucky river
IneedGASmoney: again
XaQ Morphy: he didn't bet anything
poin: i'm glad you two are friends now. it's cute.
LOL, this is hilarious. Sorry that you lost your stack dude, but this comment is awesome.
XaQ Morphy: lol
XaQ Morphy: he's finally accepted that I picked off his bluff
IneedGASmoney: with top pair
XaQ Morphy: no I had a full house
XaQ Morphy: don't you pay attention?
poin: i'm glad that my bluffing can bring peace and friendship to this table.
IneedGASmoney: u had a str8
IneedGASmoney: dont u pay attention?
XaQ Morphy: no
XaQ Morphy: too busy taking ur money
IneedGASmoney: as long as u dont p.ussy out and stay there u wont have it for long
poin: i'm just trying to dig out of the donkey hole i dug myself into against XaQ. i'm coming for you, XaQ!!!
I normally never leave a table as good as this, but I decided this would be the perfect time to get up and leave but stay at the table to see what they would say.
Dealer: XaQ Morphy has 5 seconds left to act
Dealer: XaQ Morphy has timed out
IneedGASmoney: aww he left
poin: whoa .. scared him.
IneedGASmoney: there goes easy money
XaQ Morphy: lol scared?
XaQ Morphy: I owned you guys left and right
IneedGASmoney: u rivered us left and right
IneedGASmoney: which has nothing to do with skill
IneedGASmoney: its called luck
XaQ Morphy: now you're arguing semantics
IneedGASmoney: if ur so good stay
IneedGASmoney: keep ownin me
XaQ Morphy: a good poker player would try to learn from his mistakes, not argue with the guy that beat him soundly
IneedGASmoney: or hittin runner runner.....whatever u wanna call it
XaQ Morphy: oh, and I can't stay
XaQ Morphy: gas just dropped 2 cents
XaQ Morphy: gonna use ur stack to fill up the whole block
poin: you let me know when you see a good poker player in my seat, xaq.
poin: hasn't happened yet lol
XaQ Morphy: lol poin
XaQ Morphy: your problem was you played phil hellmuth's version of slow play until the guy catches up
IneedGASmoney: i didnt slow play
IneedGASmoney: ur an idiot
IneedGASmoney: we went all in on the flop
IneedGASmoney: not the river
XaQ Morphy: not you sparky
XaQ Morphy: talking to poin
XaQ Morphy: world might not revolve around you, ok?
And I left. Neighborhood all got free tanks of gas and held a party in my honor. This may look like a common hit and run, but uhh, well yeah it probably was. Fuck em.
Finally this last one has a bit of everything. It starts out with some hand that a player named artdogg8201 must have played in a way I thought was pretty stupid. There are bets in poker that basically can only be called by a hand that has the bettor crushed. Despite rumors to the fact that these bets are known as Morphy Bets, this is simply not true. Our friend artdonk here makes an Artdonk Bet and the player nikeboy717 busts his ass in a spot where he couldn't possibly have gotten a worse hand than his to call. It starts off innocently enough:
XaQ Morphy: nice bet
XaQ Morphy: lol
XaQ Morphy: that was a nice play
artdogg8201: wow
artdogg8201: i love retards on this site
XaQ Morphy: we love you too art
artdogg8201: thanks i guess
artdogg8201: i see it all the time
artdogg8201: someone catches a flush
artdogg8201: another catches a set
artdogg8201: and they boat up
artdogg8201: esp when im in the hand
artdogg8201: i have a flush i get boated on
artdogg8201: i have a set i get flushed
XaQ Morphy: my favorite is the guy who bets so much that the only hand that calls him has him beat
artdogg8201: thats the way it works
artdogg8201: i guess thats me
Heh, so artdonk admits as such. This guy was incredibly bad, so I needed to find a way to get him back on the table. I really wanted to bust him, but nikeboy was equally bad so I figure the money will come my way eventually. Usually saying "please reload" doesn't work, so I find that if you insinuate that they are broke they go out of their way to brag about how great they are at poker and how much money they have. Let's see if it works:
XaQ Morphy: you gonna reload art or is that the last of your money here?
artdogg8201: no i still got 500 more
XaQ Morphy: right
XaQ Morphy: wow
artdogg8201: morphy please bust this joker
XaQ Morphy: can't
XaQ Morphy: not this hand anyway
XaQ Morphy: top pair no good
My guess is that nikeboy shoved on me in a spot where I knew I wasn't good. Meanwhile Artdonk reloaded and is back in action. He wins a pot here:
XaQ Morphy: nice one art
artdogg8201: thanks
artdogg8201: a few more of them ill be happy
It may seem like I'm being overly nice and out of character here, but I'm really just trying to get this guy over confident so that I can bust him later.
artdogg8201: this guy is a joker anyways but i was really ognna be mad if dude rivered a flush on me
nikeboy717: lucky turn
artdogg8201: u say lucky turn but u are a piece of garbage
artdogg8201: horrible poker player
nikeboy717: art u are gay aren't u
nikeboy717: such a hot head
XaQ Morphy: hey art, you almost back up to even yet?
Here I'm just fishing for something. At this point I never figured I'd catch the spew that I did!
artdogg8201: ahahaha no way
XaQ Morphy: lol
artdogg8201: i mean yea
artdogg8201: im up from my deposit
artdogg8201: i was way up on my deposit
artdogg8201: i deposited 70 bucks last friday
artdogg8201: i was up to 830 yesterday
XaQ Morphy: nice
artdogg8201: now im down to a little over 600
artdogg8201: im tryin to get back up to where i was
XaQ Morphy: you should move up in levels, more money on the table, easier to win more that way
artdogg8201: i get unlucky and get all hot
artdogg8201: u know what im sayin
artdogg8201: and just keep throwin money in there
artdogg8201: and play pissed
artdogg8201: thats not the way to go man
artdogg8201: i just get stupid
artdogg8201: u kno what im sayin morph
XaQ Morphy: yeah but what you gonna do when you get bad beats? just sit there and take it? screw that
See here I'm trying to be overly nice and kind of hoping he'd move up in levels so I could follow him and he would play retarded AND scared. Those are the best. What I didn't realize is that he was going to open up bad beat anonymous on me.
artdogg8201: what u mean
artdogg8201: i know
artdogg8201: dude yesterday i think i had the worst one in a while
artdogg8201: it was nothin like floppin that set
artdogg8201: like this was horrible
artdogg8201: i only had like 30 bucks and had 10 9
artdogg8201: flop comes up 6 7 8
artdogg8201: i check it
artdogg8201: everyone else checks
artdogg8201: next card comes up is 6 again
artdogg8201: so im hopin someone catches the 6
artdogg8201: i got all in
artdogg8201: someone calls me
artdogg8201: he got 22
artdogg8201: after the turn
artdogg8201: next card comes up is the 2
XaQ Morphy: that's sick
artdogg8201: i mean he was tryin to bluff too
artdogg8201: i trapped him
artdogg8201: the other day i trapped iwth AA after the flop i got some dude to go all in iwth 99
artdogg8201: caught nothing the dude with 99
artdogg8201: he pushes all his chips in
artdogg8201: im like yes i see him turn his cards over
artdogg8201: river
artdogg8201: 9
artdogg8201: just horrible beats u know
XaQ Morphy: you musta pissed off someone at bodog
artdogg8201: i mean those beats are just crazy
artdogg8201: dudes catchin 2 outers
artdogg8201: on the river when they got a 5 percent chance of winnin
XaQ Morphy: yeah
artdogg8201: i wanted to call there so bad and didnt
artdogg8201: i had 5 6
Yikes. Is there a relief from this in sight? Ahh yes, another really bad reg shows up and they share in their sorrows. Great, cause you know, we love bad beat stories!
artdogg8201: luvboat hows it goin man
LuvBoat: hey
LuvBoat: rough
artdogg8201: really
artdogg8201: i feel that
LuvBoat: lost with quads yesterday
artdogg8201: to what?
LuvBoat: first time ever
LuvBoat: str8 flush
artdogg8201: wow
artdogg8201: horrible
LuvBoat: dude flpped it
artdogg8201: wow that is just crazy
LuvBoat: yeah, tell me about it
artdogg8201: how much on that hand?
artdogg8201: just like 100
artdogg8201: or what
LuvBoat: whole stack
LuvBoat: about 150
LuvBoat: he had more than me
artdogg8201: oh ok
artdogg8201: dude i was like you yesterday
artdogg8201: i kept losin and rebuyin
LuvBoat: losin with aa
artdogg8201: just gettin mad
artdogg8201: bout bad beats
artdogg8201: oh man that happens to me all the time
artdogg8201: u cant let it make ya mad
LuvBoat: nah, i just go to a bigger table
LuvBoat: win it back
artdogg8201: yep
artdogg8201: thats what i been doin
artdogg8201: hahaha
artdogg8201: what u go to 300 max>?
LuvBoat: 600
artdogg8201: wow u got balls
artdogg8201: i wont do that man
artdogg8201: thats alot of loot
LuvBoat: yeah
LuvBoat: the swings are sick
artdogg8201: i know
artdogg8201: i do that when im at the 300 max table
LuvBoat: i played on 2K table
LuvBoat: insane
artdogg8201: im sure
artdogg8201: u do this for a living?
XaQ Morphy: what did you buy in for?
LuvBoat: the max
artdogg8201: and what happened?
LuvBoat: won a lil
artdogg8201: like what a few hundred?
LuvBoat: u go in with a small stack u get bullied too easily
nikeboy717: huh
artdogg8201: oh yea def i know what u mean buddy
artdogg8201: how much is the min buy in?
XaQ Morphy: art is the king of getting bullied while being the short stack
LuvBoat: buy in??
artdogg8201: yea min buy in at the 2k table
artdogg8201: morph it works alot
artdogg8201: when u go in with a small stack u can win alot
LuvBoat: not sure about min
XaQ Morphy: min is 1k
artdogg8201: damn
LuvBoat: i always go in for the max
XaQ Morphy: most sites it's only 400
XaQ Morphy: but 1k here
God they are feeding off of each other. I'm trying a few things here and there, throwing in jabs when I can, but the bad beat lefts and rights keep coming. Time to take another approach. I don't know why, but I decided to act like I was some old dude. This can't possibly work, right?
artdogg8201: wow
artdogg8201: any of you play this as your job
artdogg8201: or u work too
XaQ Morphy: nah, I got retired back in 83
XaQ Morphy: buncha punk kids out east took me out of the game
artdogg8201: oh ok
XaQ Morphy: then after I got out, this internet thing was the new fad, so I took that up
artdogg8201: oh ok
artdogg8201: how old u morph
XaQ Morphy: old
artdogg8201: like 50 old
artdogg8201: 60 old
XaQ Morphy: somewhere in there
artdogg8201: damn
artdogg8201: how bout u luvboat
LuvBoat: 30
artdogg8201: u do this for a living?
artdogg8201: or u work too
LuvBoat: work too
artdogg8201: u say u buy in to the max table
artdogg8201: how much u usually cash out a week on here
artdogg8201: or dont u cash out
LuvBoat: not weekly
artdogg8201: like what monthly?
LuvBoat: 2-3 grand
artdogg8201: a month?
LuvBoat: on avg
artdogg8201: not bad man
LuvBoat: not enough to live my p-diffy lifedtyle
LuvBoat: j/k
artdogg8201: haha ill le tya have it
artdogg8201: i ot nothin
artdogg8201: just fishin
LuvBoat: nothing wrong w/a lil fishin
artdogg8201: i think if i bet i could have got ya off it
XaQ Morphy: back where i come from, a guy who fishes that much at a card table doesn't come
home in one piece
LuvBoat: hahha
artdogg8201: hahahaha
LuvBoat: ure safe here
artdogg8201: dude the people on this site are rediculous
artdogg8201: i mean i do it when i can do it cheap
artdogg8201: but some people push 100s of bucks in on their fishin adventure
artdogg8201: everytime i got trips someones fishin for the flush for 100s of bucks
artdogg8201: and its not even the nut flush
artdogg8201: not even a high one at all
artdogg8201: like with 3 6
artdogg8201: but when i do that i get screwed someone has a higher one
Dear lord, it's not working! Time to step up my game here.
XaQ Morphy: last time I lost to a higher flush I did 15 years
artdogg8201: 15 years of what
XaQ Morphy: .....
XaQ Morphy: of time, son
XaQ Morphy: time
artdogg8201: ok
XaQ Morphy: how old are you anyway, boy?
artdogg8201: 24
artdogg8201: why
XaQ Morphy: I got shorts older than you
artdogg8201: hahaha
artdogg8201: im young
artdogg8201: i just started playin like bout 3 years ago
artdogg8201: on here about 2
artdogg8201: i do ok
artdogg8201: its some extra income ontop of my job u know
artdogg8201: a few extra gs a year
XaQ Morphy: all I gots is this govt check
artdogg8201: nothin too big
artdogg8201: haha u make any on here morph?
XaQ Morphy: sometimes
nikeboy717: god damn
nikeboy717: nice river
artdogg8201: nice river
XaQ Morphy: nice turn
artdogg8201: he had ya way before the river
nikeboy717: yeah u turned me
nikeboy717: w/e turn river
artdogg8201: so how much u make morph alot
XaQ Morphy: back in my day, we called the flop the turn
artdogg8201: or just enough to live
XaQ Morphy: the turn 4th street
XaQ Morphy: and the river 5th street
XaQ Morphy: but we didn't play much holdem
XaQ Morphy: mostly 5 card stud
XaQ Morphy: well last year I made enough to buy a nice boat
artdogg8201: not too shabby
artdogg8201: like what 8 gs
artdogg8201: or alot more than that
XaQ Morphy: well I really wanted the 58 footer
XaQ Morphy: but had to settle on the 30 footer
artdogg8201: so that was a pretty penny
artdogg8201: more than 8 gs
artdogg8201: haha
XaQ Morphy: had to cut out one of the bedrooms
XaQ Morphy: but it's nice
artdogg8201: not too sahbby
artdogg8201: u think people come on here and lose their asses
artdogg8201: i mean alot of people all u see them do is lose
XaQ Morphy: almost lost my ass
artdogg8201: on here?
XaQ Morphy: no
XaQ Morphy: back in nam
artdogg8201: hahah i see
artdogg8201: that sucks man
XaQ Morphy: yeah I got my ass shot up and govt just gives me this check each month
artdogg8201: yep
XaQ Morphy: ok I gotta go soon
artdogg8201: me too
nikeboy717: 10-10
nikeboy717: nh
XaQ Morphy: thanks son
artdogg8201: haHAHA
nikeboy717: nice bluff
artdogg8201: he outplayed you
XaQ Morphy: I wasnt bluffin
artdogg8201: no bluffin
XaQ Morphy: had me what you boys call big slick
And that kids is how it's done. Any questions?
I have a bunch of smaller chats that I've gathered over the last 2 years or so. Next task is to put those together into 1-2 entries. In the meantime, if anyone is interested in helping out with the igotskillz donkumentary, please email me. It's going to be a huge undertaking and I could use all the help I can get. Until next time!
Yours Donkily,
Morphy
xaqmorphy@gmail.com
So all that said, I still have ideas for blog entries. I've talked to a few of you about this already, but I'm seriously considering doing a documentary of sorts on RGP's resident nutcase igotskillz. He is truly insane, and there's so many levels of it I really don't even know where to start. My thoughts were to go back to years ago when he was convinced a player on PokerStars was booting people from tournaments and then the Stars' owners showed up and insulted his mom. Yeah, that is as ridiculous as it sounds. It goes way past that, from rigged poker sites to mail order brides to 2012 end of the world drama and now he thinks he's an alien. Yes, I'm serious. If anyone has any ideas about how to do this (or better yet, wants to help me with research and fact gathering, for recognition or anonymously), please drop me an email. I think it would make for a great series, and might even kick start the blog back into action.
Anyway, onto the point of this post. A few days ago I was searching around my computer for something that I can't remember right now, and I found a bunch of text files with various chats and things dating back to 2007. Looking through them, a few had the famous "nice bluff" line, first introduced here: http://donkeymanifesto.blogspot.com/2007/05/tilt-donk-chapter-48.html. I believe my plan was to keep gathering various poker chats and do another random donk chat post, but at the time I was heavy into the Uber Troll (found here: http://donkeymanifesto.blogspot.com/2007/05/worst-music-ever-uber-troll-part-1.html), and then shortly after started the series of PLO videos (that link contains a main link with the videos archived). After all that I just forgot about the text files and seriously just found them recently. So all that said, here we go, for the 2007 throwback edition of Random Donk Chat!
It all starts on Bodog, which was my home for many years and I'm happy to say I've started playing again. It's like 2005 all over again, and like I never left. So apparently based on my notes, this guy bet $50 into an $8 pot, and I must have been having a bad day:
XaQ Morphy: now what kind of stupid idiotic bet is that?
XaQ Morphy: are you really that stupid?
XaQ Morphy: *
jdog1974: well call
XaQ Morphy: why would I call that?
XaQ Morphy: I mean really
XaQ Morphy: that one I'll call though
My only guess is that he made another stupid bet with something incredibly retarded, and I called it and won.
jdog1974: good call
XaQ Morphy: thanks
jdog1974: well
XaQ Morphy: wtf
XaQ Morphy: jnesus
XaQ Morphy: you guys are fuckin *s
XaQ Morphy: what kinda idiot uses the raise any button?
XaQ Morphy: then bets $50 into an $8 pot?
XaQ Morphy: this fuckin hurts my head, I can't take it anymore
Ahh the good old Bodog swear filter bug. Unfortunately they've since fixed it. F%%uckin morons.
Just a little teaser to get us started. The next entry takes part during FullTilt's regular series of tourneys, the FTOPS. I don't remember much about the tourney, so we'll get right into the events:
Dealer: Pechorin wins the pot (100)
Dealer: Pechorin wins the pot (125)
Dealer: Pechorin has 15 seconds left to act
I leave the above lines in because there's a self-donk incident coming up. Stay tuned.
Dealer: XaQ Morphy wins the pot (150)
12thMan2 (Observer): yay
XaQ Morphy: heh
XaQ Morphy: Paul, check your email
12thMan2 (Observer): OK
So here is a friend of mine, obviously named Paul. I either emailed him earlier and wanted him to check it, or probably posted something retarded that happened at the table before he got there and had no other way to tell him without letting the table realize I was onto their donkishness. Our new friend "suckoutonu" apparently took offense to this, and started in on me.
suckoutonu: wtf can i get an email too please?
suckoutonu: i dont want to be left out
mnyhunter: lol
XaQ Morphy: no email for you!
suckoutonu: oh so your talking about me
suckoutonu: so mny your name is paul?
mnyhunter: no just thought it was funny
suckoutonu: paul echorin?
suckoutonu: yup that makes more sense
Ok so you have to understand that on FullTilt if you have the default config for chat, all the chat lines are intermingled with dealer status lines, tournament announcements, and other nonsense. I must have not been paying anywhere near as much attention to the table as I should have been, because his "paul echorin" comment made no sense at the time. Hopefully you've caught on by now who he was referring to, but at the time, I didn't. Meanwhile this guy goes from babbling about his hand, to...
suckoutonu: nice job
suckoutonu: my 2 outer was coming boy that q was gonna hit
mnyhunter: had aq
suckoutonu: 1 outer
suckoutonu: ok i did not have qq i had kk
suckoutonu: i still had 2 outs
suckoutonu: lol
suckoutonu: xaq and pechorin sitting in a tree
suckoutonu: they tought they were slick
mnyhunter: kissing
suckoutonu: but got busted by mr suckit
Uhh, right. While he's going off about who knows what, I had 44 and got all-in vs. KK on a 4QK all diamond flop. A pretty gross situation, sure, but not the easiest hand to get away from. Fortunately for me the board ran out Ad Td and we split both playing the board. If it weren't for luck in poker I'd lose every time, but this presents a unique opportunity for me.
Dealer: chapz805 shows [Kh Kc]
Dealer: XaQ Morphy shows [4h 4s]
suckoutonu: they are passing notes
Dealer: chapz805 shows a flush, Ace high
Dealer: XaQ Morphy shows a flush, Ace high
Dealer: chapz805 ties for the pot (6,310) with a flush, Ace high
Dealer: XaQ Morphy ties for the pot (6,310) with a flush, Ace high
suckoutonu: wow
PrimO-G (Observer): stupid
XaQ Morphy: nice bluff
Sometimes it's the simplest of comments that gets people riled up. "Nice bluff" works so well.
mnyhunter: pocket 5s and a diamond
emjohn2007: he had a set of K's...ur the one who should feel extremely lucky to still be at the table murphy
XaQ Morphy: who the hell is murphy?
emjohn2007: morphy...better
emjohn2007: ?
XaQ Morphy: much, thanks
emjohn2007: boy that would have sucked...from a double stack to out
tedders_nc: set lose to a set....no prob
suckoutonu: now morph its not just the p in echorin name that is giving it away you know
XaQ Morphy: suckout, wtf are you talking about?
So here's suckoutonu going on about this p echorin thing, which I still haven't picked up on, but what I'm really hoping for is for someone to really grab the bait.
tedders_nc: went down firing
tedders_nc: he had you set over set
XaQ Morphy: I had a flush
emjohn2007: ha
XaQ Morphy: do you guys even know how to play poker?
XaQ Morphy: come on
That should be enough. Now to watch the mayhem, of course helping out as much as I can. My good friend BTS invented a new religion called World Burners, where we set fire to things and sit back and watch them burn. But sometimes it's fun to join in by throwing gasoline covered pieces of dynamite to the fire instead...
tedders_nc: you both got the flush
XaQ Morphy: yes, that's why we split
tedders_nc: he had KKK you had 444
XaQ Morphy: no, I had a flush
tedders_nc: well hell we all had the same flush
XaQ Morphy: I had 4QKA10 all diamonds
XaQ Morphy: you folded, how did you have a flush?
tedders_nc: stfu
tedders_nc: idiot
XaQ Morphy: lol
XaQ Morphy: I can do this all night
suckoutonu: man cancel the break this table is heated
suckoutonu: continue play
XaQ Morphy: no
XaQ Morphy: another round of chase your tail please
So here I flat out tell them that I'm messing with them. They'll stop now, right?
emjohn2007: go for it...but the bottom line is...u hit runner runner flush cards to split it up
LOL nope, he's still going!
suckoutonu: morphy what did that email say to pechorin?
God this fucker is still on about the email and pechorin, I'm going to have to seriously multi-task here, stoking the fire AND telling an idiot I have no clue wtf he's talking about.
XaQ Morphy: ok listen, I don't know how long you kids have been playing poker, but in texas holdem, the best 5 card hand wins
emjohn2007: otherwise u were drawing to a 1 outer to win the whole pot
XaQ Morphy: and I had 4QKA10 all diamonds, which is a flush, and so did he
XaQ Morphy: suckout, I have no clue what you are talking about
XaQ Morphy: I emailed Paul, who is a friend of mine who is railing me here
12thMan2 (Observer): ROFL. This is why we paid the admission
emjohn2007: u guys r butt buddies then?
XaQ Morphy: see? that's Paul
XaQ Morphy: lol
XaQ Morphy: why do you internet donks always pull out the gay card when trying to insult someone?
emjohn2007: u said railing u
XaQ Morphy: yes, watching me from the rail
XaQ Morphy: like, as in, where you'll be pretty soon
XaQ Morphy: unless you can get your stack in with another gutshot draw
emjohn2007: oh...hmmm....just sayin..that can be perceived various ways
emjohn2007: i was double gutted by the way...if you wanna comment atleast be right
emjohn2007: smart guy
emjohn2007: oh guess u had to look back and unfortunately u found that i was right
XaQ Morphy: no, went and got another drink
XaQ Morphy: you're probably wrong though
emjohn2007: doesnt matter much anyhow cuz im prob gonna be gone in about 5 mins
cl12pak (Observer): Guys, I've seen XaQ play many hands. I've never seen him lose a hand where all 5 cards on board are the same and nobody else has that suit. He's undefeated. So, beware, be very bewarish.
I have no clue who the hell cl12pak is. He was chatting on the rail before this thing started (or railing, as it's commonly known, unless you're a homophobic retard that is).
XaQ Morphy: you make a good point
XaQ Morphy: whenever I have the best hand, I win the pot
emjohn2007: thats typical of me
XaQ Morphy: I normally don't give away my secrets, but that's one of them
Dealer: Pechorin has 15 seconds left to act
I just left this last line in there to show that this Pechorin guy is still at the table, and I'm still completely oblivious to it.
12thMan2 (Observer): Morphy, forget that "best hand " stuff. Too much Omaha
XaQ Morphy: Omaha? never been there
XaQ Morphy: was in Davenport, Iowa once tho, boring town
cl12pak (Observer): nh
12thMan2 (Observer): Mormonic
XaQ Morphy: hahaha
XaQ Morphy: umm
XaQ Morphy: suckout?
XaQ Morphy: I owe you an apology
XaQ Morphy: there's a guy on the table named Pechorin
XaQ Morphy: and I had no clue wtf you were talking about before
tedders_nc: yki
Pechorin: ?
tedders_nc: ghost in the backyard cheese
XaQ Morphy: I wouldn't ask, only bad news lives down the hole those answers are in
LOL so there we have it. This suckoutonu idiot was talking about p echorin and pechorin for what must have been 15 minutes, and it wasn't until I said it that the guy chimes in with the old "?" which translated from Donk into English means "huh? what are you talking about? wait, where am I?" Unfortunately they didn't take the bluff comment any further, so there's really nothing left after this point. I'd like to say that every one of my online chats ends with something epic, but well, they don't.
Ok well, this next one just might be what you were looking for. It starts out innocently enough. I was playing shorthanded pot limit holdem with a few idiots, raised with some crap, flopped top pair and shoved over the inevitable check raise. Well, this guy had a set, I went runner runner for a straight and won a $200 pot. Oops. Time for operation "nice bluff".
IneedGASmoney: fkin fish
XaQ Morphy: I knew you were bluffing
IneedGASmoney: i had a set
IneedGASmoney: idiot
XaQ Morphy: I had a straight
XaQ Morphy: get a "what beats what" chart
IneedGASmoney: iver
IneedGASmoney: u called wit a pair dominated to my set
XaQ Morphy: hey, you gonna reload?
XaQ Morphy: cause I can pick off ur bluffs a mile away
IneedGASmoney: are u stupid?
IneedGASmoney: when u called i had u crushed
XaQ Morphy: didn't the pot go my way?
IneedGASmoney: cuz u went runner runner idiiot
IneedGASmoney: not cuz i was bluffin
XaQ Morphy: it's ok, we all get caught bluffing from time to time
IneedGASmoney: cuz u needed perfect perfect to win
IneedGASmoney: is that bluffin
IneedGASmoney: no
XaQ Morphy: woah
IneedGASmoney: thast u bein completely dominatted in need of runenrs
XaQ Morphy: I appreciate the compliment, but I'm far from perfect
I crack myself up.
IneedGASmoney: perfect perfect meanns u had to hit running cards
IneedGASmoney: man u dont kno anything abt this game do u?
XaQ Morphy: english only please
IneedGASmoney: other than ohh top pair i call
XaQ Morphy: I didn't call
XaQ Morphy: I raised
IneedGASmoney: dominated
IneedGASmoney: lol
IneedGASmoney: u got so lucky
IneedGASmoney: dont try to justify ur call or raise as a good play
IneedGASmoney: u got ur money in really bad
IneedGASmoney: and u ran really good
XaQ Morphy: I picked off your bluff
XaQ Morphy: and now you're angry
IneedGASmoney: ok
IneedGASmoney: just tell me how it was a bluff
XaQ Morphy: I'm glad you understand now
IneedGASmoney: i had u beat the whole way until the river
IneedGASmoney: imma take all ur money
XaQ Morphy: if you had me beat, wouldn't the pot go your way?
IneedGASmoney: no cuz the river came
XaQ Morphy: it's a 7 card game, afterall
XaQ Morphy: oh
IneedGASmoney: damn irs like im talkin to a wall
IneedGASmoney: fkin idiot
XaQ Morphy: you didn't play your "don't deal the river card" chip?
IneedGASmoney: so ur sayin u picked me off bluffin with a set with top pair or are u sayin that u knew u were gonna river me and u called dominated?
LOL, some people never learn. I could have kept this going this all day. Or at least until I got hungry. So like 5 minutes or so.
Just then I had a great hand come up. Some jackass open limps the button, I check the big blind with the mighty A2, and the flop comes up A25 all clubs. The small blind checks, I bet the pot, button folds, SB calls. Turn is an offsuit 3, small blind checks and I check behind figuring I can't get much value out of a bet. River is a really funny (to me anyway) 2, and now the small blind (poin is his name) fires out a 2/3 pot bet. I figure he has a number of hands that can withstand a raise, most likely some crappy 2 pair that rivered a weaker full house, or maybe a completely retardedly played flush, or a 4 for a straight. I raise it up a bit over 3x his bet, and he re-raises again. Well I'm not folding and if he has one of the few hands that beats me good for him, so I put him all in and stack him for a $250 pot. He had K3 of clubs. Sick slowplay there, sparky. The chat that follows is great.
XaQ Morphy: see?
XaQ Morphy: he was bluffing too
IneedGASmoney: ur such a river !%&#$
IneedGASmoney: he flopped the fl
XaQ Morphy: not my fault he didn't bet his hand
IneedGASmoney: u river the boat
IneedGASmoney: lol
IneedGASmoney: that is true
XaQ Morphy: I mean really
IneedGASmoney: u didnt play the hand bad
IneedGASmoney: he should have bet more
IneedGASmoney: but still
IneedGASmoney: u got lucky river
IneedGASmoney: again
XaQ Morphy: he didn't bet anything
poin: i'm glad you two are friends now. it's cute.
LOL, this is hilarious. Sorry that you lost your stack dude, but this comment is awesome.
XaQ Morphy: lol
XaQ Morphy: he's finally accepted that I picked off his bluff
IneedGASmoney: with top pair
XaQ Morphy: no I had a full house
XaQ Morphy: don't you pay attention?
poin: i'm glad that my bluffing can bring peace and friendship to this table.
IneedGASmoney: u had a str8
IneedGASmoney: dont u pay attention?
XaQ Morphy: no
XaQ Morphy: too busy taking ur money
IneedGASmoney: as long as u dont p.ussy out and stay there u wont have it for long
poin: i'm just trying to dig out of the donkey hole i dug myself into against XaQ. i'm coming for you, XaQ!!!
I normally never leave a table as good as this, but I decided this would be the perfect time to get up and leave but stay at the table to see what they would say.
Dealer: XaQ Morphy has 5 seconds left to act
Dealer: XaQ Morphy has timed out
IneedGASmoney: aww he left
poin: whoa .. scared him.
IneedGASmoney: there goes easy money
XaQ Morphy: lol scared?
XaQ Morphy: I owned you guys left and right
IneedGASmoney: u rivered us left and right
IneedGASmoney: which has nothing to do with skill
IneedGASmoney: its called luck
XaQ Morphy: now you're arguing semantics
IneedGASmoney: if ur so good stay
IneedGASmoney: keep ownin me
XaQ Morphy: a good poker player would try to learn from his mistakes, not argue with the guy that beat him soundly
IneedGASmoney: or hittin runner runner.....whatever u wanna call it
XaQ Morphy: oh, and I can't stay
XaQ Morphy: gas just dropped 2 cents
XaQ Morphy: gonna use ur stack to fill up the whole block
poin: you let me know when you see a good poker player in my seat, xaq.
poin: hasn't happened yet lol
XaQ Morphy: lol poin
XaQ Morphy: your problem was you played phil hellmuth's version of slow play until the guy catches up
IneedGASmoney: i didnt slow play
IneedGASmoney: ur an idiot
IneedGASmoney: we went all in on the flop
IneedGASmoney: not the river
XaQ Morphy: not you sparky
XaQ Morphy: talking to poin
XaQ Morphy: world might not revolve around you, ok?
And I left. Neighborhood all got free tanks of gas and held a party in my honor. This may look like a common hit and run, but uhh, well yeah it probably was. Fuck em.
Finally this last one has a bit of everything. It starts out with some hand that a player named artdogg8201 must have played in a way I thought was pretty stupid. There are bets in poker that basically can only be called by a hand that has the bettor crushed. Despite rumors to the fact that these bets are known as Morphy Bets, this is simply not true. Our friend artdonk here makes an Artdonk Bet and the player nikeboy717 busts his ass in a spot where he couldn't possibly have gotten a worse hand than his to call. It starts off innocently enough:
XaQ Morphy: nice bet
XaQ Morphy: lol
XaQ Morphy: that was a nice play
artdogg8201: wow
artdogg8201: i love retards on this site
XaQ Morphy: we love you too art
artdogg8201: thanks i guess
artdogg8201: i see it all the time
artdogg8201: someone catches a flush
artdogg8201: another catches a set
artdogg8201: and they boat up
artdogg8201: esp when im in the hand
artdogg8201: i have a flush i get boated on
artdogg8201: i have a set i get flushed
XaQ Morphy: my favorite is the guy who bets so much that the only hand that calls him has him beat
artdogg8201: thats the way it works
artdogg8201: i guess thats me
Heh, so artdonk admits as such. This guy was incredibly bad, so I needed to find a way to get him back on the table. I really wanted to bust him, but nikeboy was equally bad so I figure the money will come my way eventually. Usually saying "please reload" doesn't work, so I find that if you insinuate that they are broke they go out of their way to brag about how great they are at poker and how much money they have. Let's see if it works:
XaQ Morphy: you gonna reload art or is that the last of your money here?
artdogg8201: no i still got 500 more
XaQ Morphy: right
XaQ Morphy: wow
artdogg8201: morphy please bust this joker
XaQ Morphy: can't
XaQ Morphy: not this hand anyway
XaQ Morphy: top pair no good
My guess is that nikeboy shoved on me in a spot where I knew I wasn't good. Meanwhile Artdonk reloaded and is back in action. He wins a pot here:
XaQ Morphy: nice one art
artdogg8201: thanks
artdogg8201: a few more of them ill be happy
It may seem like I'm being overly nice and out of character here, but I'm really just trying to get this guy over confident so that I can bust him later.
artdogg8201: this guy is a joker anyways but i was really ognna be mad if dude rivered a flush on me
nikeboy717: lucky turn
artdogg8201: u say lucky turn but u are a piece of garbage
artdogg8201: horrible poker player
nikeboy717: art u are gay aren't u
nikeboy717: such a hot head
XaQ Morphy: hey art, you almost back up to even yet?
Here I'm just fishing for something. At this point I never figured I'd catch the spew that I did!
artdogg8201: ahahaha no way
XaQ Morphy: lol
artdogg8201: i mean yea
artdogg8201: im up from my deposit
artdogg8201: i was way up on my deposit
artdogg8201: i deposited 70 bucks last friday
artdogg8201: i was up to 830 yesterday
XaQ Morphy: nice
artdogg8201: now im down to a little over 600
artdogg8201: im tryin to get back up to where i was
XaQ Morphy: you should move up in levels, more money on the table, easier to win more that way
artdogg8201: i get unlucky and get all hot
artdogg8201: u know what im sayin
artdogg8201: and just keep throwin money in there
artdogg8201: and play pissed
artdogg8201: thats not the way to go man
artdogg8201: i just get stupid
artdogg8201: u kno what im sayin morph
XaQ Morphy: yeah but what you gonna do when you get bad beats? just sit there and take it? screw that
See here I'm trying to be overly nice and kind of hoping he'd move up in levels so I could follow him and he would play retarded AND scared. Those are the best. What I didn't realize is that he was going to open up bad beat anonymous on me.
artdogg8201: what u mean
artdogg8201: i know
artdogg8201: dude yesterday i think i had the worst one in a while
artdogg8201: it was nothin like floppin that set
artdogg8201: like this was horrible
artdogg8201: i only had like 30 bucks and had 10 9
artdogg8201: flop comes up 6 7 8
artdogg8201: i check it
artdogg8201: everyone else checks
artdogg8201: next card comes up is 6 again
artdogg8201: so im hopin someone catches the 6
artdogg8201: i got all in
artdogg8201: someone calls me
artdogg8201: he got 22
artdogg8201: after the turn
artdogg8201: next card comes up is the 2
XaQ Morphy: that's sick
artdogg8201: i mean he was tryin to bluff too
artdogg8201: i trapped him
artdogg8201: the other day i trapped iwth AA after the flop i got some dude to go all in iwth 99
artdogg8201: caught nothing the dude with 99
artdogg8201: he pushes all his chips in
artdogg8201: im like yes i see him turn his cards over
artdogg8201: river
artdogg8201: 9
artdogg8201: just horrible beats u know
XaQ Morphy: you musta pissed off someone at bodog
artdogg8201: i mean those beats are just crazy
artdogg8201: dudes catchin 2 outers
artdogg8201: on the river when they got a 5 percent chance of winnin
XaQ Morphy: yeah
artdogg8201: i wanted to call there so bad and didnt
artdogg8201: i had 5 6
Yikes. Is there a relief from this in sight? Ahh yes, another really bad reg shows up and they share in their sorrows. Great, cause you know, we love bad beat stories!
artdogg8201: luvboat hows it goin man
LuvBoat: hey
LuvBoat: rough
artdogg8201: really
artdogg8201: i feel that
LuvBoat: lost with quads yesterday
artdogg8201: to what?
LuvBoat: first time ever
LuvBoat: str8 flush
artdogg8201: wow
artdogg8201: horrible
LuvBoat: dude flpped it
artdogg8201: wow that is just crazy
LuvBoat: yeah, tell me about it
artdogg8201: how much on that hand?
artdogg8201: just like 100
artdogg8201: or what
LuvBoat: whole stack
LuvBoat: about 150
LuvBoat: he had more than me
artdogg8201: oh ok
artdogg8201: dude i was like you yesterday
artdogg8201: i kept losin and rebuyin
LuvBoat: losin with aa
artdogg8201: just gettin mad
artdogg8201: bout bad beats
artdogg8201: oh man that happens to me all the time
artdogg8201: u cant let it make ya mad
LuvBoat: nah, i just go to a bigger table
LuvBoat: win it back
artdogg8201: yep
artdogg8201: thats what i been doin
artdogg8201: hahaha
artdogg8201: what u go to 300 max>?
LuvBoat: 600
artdogg8201: wow u got balls
artdogg8201: i wont do that man
artdogg8201: thats alot of loot
LuvBoat: yeah
LuvBoat: the swings are sick
artdogg8201: i know
artdogg8201: i do that when im at the 300 max table
LuvBoat: i played on 2K table
LuvBoat: insane
artdogg8201: im sure
artdogg8201: u do this for a living?
XaQ Morphy: what did you buy in for?
LuvBoat: the max
artdogg8201: and what happened?
LuvBoat: won a lil
artdogg8201: like what a few hundred?
LuvBoat: u go in with a small stack u get bullied too easily
nikeboy717: huh
artdogg8201: oh yea def i know what u mean buddy
artdogg8201: how much is the min buy in?
XaQ Morphy: art is the king of getting bullied while being the short stack
LuvBoat: buy in??
artdogg8201: yea min buy in at the 2k table
artdogg8201: morph it works alot
artdogg8201: when u go in with a small stack u can win alot
LuvBoat: not sure about min
XaQ Morphy: min is 1k
artdogg8201: damn
LuvBoat: i always go in for the max
XaQ Morphy: most sites it's only 400
XaQ Morphy: but 1k here
God they are feeding off of each other. I'm trying a few things here and there, throwing in jabs when I can, but the bad beat lefts and rights keep coming. Time to take another approach. I don't know why, but I decided to act like I was some old dude. This can't possibly work, right?
artdogg8201: wow
artdogg8201: any of you play this as your job
artdogg8201: or u work too
XaQ Morphy: nah, I got retired back in 83
XaQ Morphy: buncha punk kids out east took me out of the game
artdogg8201: oh ok
XaQ Morphy: then after I got out, this internet thing was the new fad, so I took that up
artdogg8201: oh ok
artdogg8201: how old u morph
XaQ Morphy: old
artdogg8201: like 50 old
artdogg8201: 60 old
XaQ Morphy: somewhere in there
artdogg8201: damn
artdogg8201: how bout u luvboat
LuvBoat: 30
artdogg8201: u do this for a living?
artdogg8201: or u work too
LuvBoat: work too
artdogg8201: u say u buy in to the max table
artdogg8201: how much u usually cash out a week on here
artdogg8201: or dont u cash out
LuvBoat: not weekly
artdogg8201: like what monthly?
LuvBoat: 2-3 grand
artdogg8201: a month?
LuvBoat: on avg
artdogg8201: not bad man
LuvBoat: not enough to live my p-diffy lifedtyle
LuvBoat: j/k
artdogg8201: haha ill le tya have it
artdogg8201: i ot nothin
artdogg8201: just fishin
LuvBoat: nothing wrong w/a lil fishin
artdogg8201: i think if i bet i could have got ya off it
XaQ Morphy: back where i come from, a guy who fishes that much at a card table doesn't come
home in one piece
LuvBoat: hahha
artdogg8201: hahahaha
LuvBoat: ure safe here
artdogg8201: dude the people on this site are rediculous
artdogg8201: i mean i do it when i can do it cheap
artdogg8201: but some people push 100s of bucks in on their fishin adventure
artdogg8201: everytime i got trips someones fishin for the flush for 100s of bucks
artdogg8201: and its not even the nut flush
artdogg8201: not even a high one at all
artdogg8201: like with 3 6
artdogg8201: but when i do that i get screwed someone has a higher one
Dear lord, it's not working! Time to step up my game here.
XaQ Morphy: last time I lost to a higher flush I did 15 years
artdogg8201: 15 years of what
XaQ Morphy: .....
XaQ Morphy: of time, son
XaQ Morphy: time
artdogg8201: ok
XaQ Morphy: how old are you anyway, boy?
artdogg8201: 24
artdogg8201: why
XaQ Morphy: I got shorts older than you
artdogg8201: hahaha
artdogg8201: im young
artdogg8201: i just started playin like bout 3 years ago
artdogg8201: on here about 2
artdogg8201: i do ok
artdogg8201: its some extra income ontop of my job u know
artdogg8201: a few extra gs a year
XaQ Morphy: all I gots is this govt check
artdogg8201: nothin too big
artdogg8201: haha u make any on here morph?
XaQ Morphy: sometimes
nikeboy717: god damn
nikeboy717: nice river
artdogg8201: nice river
XaQ Morphy: nice turn
artdogg8201: he had ya way before the river
nikeboy717: yeah u turned me
nikeboy717: w/e turn river
artdogg8201: so how much u make morph alot
XaQ Morphy: back in my day, we called the flop the turn
artdogg8201: or just enough to live
XaQ Morphy: the turn 4th street
XaQ Morphy: and the river 5th street
XaQ Morphy: but we didn't play much holdem
XaQ Morphy: mostly 5 card stud
XaQ Morphy: well last year I made enough to buy a nice boat
artdogg8201: not too shabby
artdogg8201: like what 8 gs
artdogg8201: or alot more than that
XaQ Morphy: well I really wanted the 58 footer
XaQ Morphy: but had to settle on the 30 footer
artdogg8201: so that was a pretty penny
artdogg8201: more than 8 gs
artdogg8201: haha
XaQ Morphy: had to cut out one of the bedrooms
XaQ Morphy: but it's nice
artdogg8201: not too sahbby
artdogg8201: u think people come on here and lose their asses
artdogg8201: i mean alot of people all u see them do is lose
XaQ Morphy: almost lost my ass
artdogg8201: on here?
XaQ Morphy: no
XaQ Morphy: back in nam
artdogg8201: hahah i see
artdogg8201: that sucks man
XaQ Morphy: yeah I got my ass shot up and govt just gives me this check each month
artdogg8201: yep
XaQ Morphy: ok I gotta go soon
artdogg8201: me too
nikeboy717: 10-10
nikeboy717: nh
XaQ Morphy: thanks son
artdogg8201: haHAHA
nikeboy717: nice bluff
artdogg8201: he outplayed you
XaQ Morphy: I wasnt bluffin
artdogg8201: no bluffin
XaQ Morphy: had me what you boys call big slick
And that kids is how it's done. Any questions?
I have a bunch of smaller chats that I've gathered over the last 2 years or so. Next task is to put those together into 1-2 entries. In the meantime, if anyone is interested in helping out with the igotskillz donkumentary, please email me. It's going to be a huge undertaking and I could use all the help I can get. Until next time!
Yours Donkily,
Morphy
xaqmorphy@gmail.com
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