Confessions of a Rush Poker donk - 11/9/10

Hello Manifestites! I hope all is well. Things here aren't bad. Nothing really new to report. I'm just about a month away from making a large electronics purchase through the FullTilt FTP points store. This Rush thing is at least going to be good for something! A shout out to my bud Adam Schoenfeld. He didn't relay my message to Phil H. last night but did have a good one-liner, so that gave a good chuckle.

Anyway, onto the hands. A lot of them this time as I've been slacking on writing up the hands. I'm not even caught up. Hope you are enjoying these!

wins:

+$44.45 - Some moron gobbles UTG, some other idiot calls, I call on the BB with K8d cause it's just the hand that's likely to bust one of these nitfucks who gobbles UTG. Flop is Q54 all diamonds and I do a little dance. Then I check, and it checks around. Turn is the Ac, I bet $3, UTG raiser gobbles, cause that's what these gobbling morons do, I figure he has some nonsense with an A so I make it $22 which is just over half my remaining stack and he calls. I see visions of an ugly river, but it's the Jh which is just as likely to have given this idiot 2 pair, cause idiots sure love their AJ. I shove, he damn near instacalls me with A9o. Surely he's complaining to his dorm buddies about the "sick cooler" and the guy who called him with K8.

+$56.65 - I raise with 66, SB re-gobbles and I pray that I flop a set and call. Flop 6TK and the star spangled banner AND show tunes go off in my head. I pull my hoodie over my head, put the sunglasses on, and he's so intimidated that he checks to me. Fuck it, I'm betting. He says fuck you, I check raise. I say fuck you, I shove. He says here sir, have my stack as he calls with AK. I somehow have him dead on the 5d turn, and the river doesn't matter at this point since I've already spent his money on a set of kings somewhere.

+54.20 - every once and a while I'll get a hand so sick even I cringe from it. I raise with TT and get 2 callers, both blinds fold, so I'm OOP vs. an unknown and a total moron. Flop is JQT 2 diamonds and my spidey sense goes off. I then realize I hate spiders and smack myself and bet $6 on the flop, which gets called. Turn is the 7h and I don't know what to do. I can either just get it in here or check and make an attempt to get to showdown which likely results in getting it in on the river or making a sick hero fold. In the name of trying to make things the most difficult for myself possible, I check/call a $12 bet. I hate it, but I do it anyway. River is the case T and I giggle a bit and just shove. He calls me and the poor bastard had JJ. I actually do feel a bit bad for that one. Just a bit. Ok no I don't.

+$46.10 - not sure wtf I was doing here. UTG+1 limps, cutoff raises to $2, and I'm in the SB with AKo. In the name of not knowing wtf to do, I shoved for almost a full stack. Limper folds but raiser has JJ and calls. I flop a K, dodge the rest, and cross off "winning a flip" from my bucket list.

+$60.80 - UTG raises, I re-raise with AA and he calls. Flop is 374 2 clubs (I have the Ac). He checks, I bet $10 and he calls. Turn is the 8c, and he checks again. At this point I figure a few things...he either has a set and isn't folding, has some sort of fuckall that the club scared off, or has an overpair that may or may not fold. If he has an overpair with a club he never folds, so I just shove. He called with QcQs and the river 6 busts him.

+$40.20 - I raise with 77 and get 2 callers. Flop is 427 rainbow and the SB leads out and pots it. I call, other guy folds. Turn J putting 2 clubs up, he checks, I bet $12 and he calls. River 8 and he instashoves into me. I call just as fast and he has 78c. Damn idiots and their suited cards.

+$37.25 - this one is funny. At least to me. I raise UTG with AKs (btw, when I say AKs I mean spades. If you haven't figured that out already by the times when I say AKc and mean clubs, then you're a damn idiot too). BB calls. Flop is Js 6d 9s. BB checks, I bet $3, BB raises to $10 and there's no way I'm folding here so I shove. Right into the monster that is Q2s. LOL. Turn K and I somehow avoid the T and bust his stupid ass. Damn idiots and their suited cards!

+$88.75 - Alright kids, time to play move up in levels to recoup our losses. Ready? Awesome. For these next 2 hands I'm at $1/$2, which is the low end of where I should be playing. But of course I made the stupid decision to cash out my roll a few years ago and here I am stuck playing with maggots. Anyway, I raise UTG with TT and a guy who I've played a ton with (and won a ton from) on another site calls with, umm, $88.75 in his stack. Board is 8T659, 3 diamonds by the end, and I just make a series of progressively bigger bets until I put him all-in. He happily calls all the bets with QQ. Yup, notes from 3 years ago still apply!

+$155 - this hand was pretty interesting to me. Not only cause I won a big pot, but due to the nature of how it played out. UTG limps, I raise to $10 with AA, folds back to him and he calls. Flop is 626 2 hearts, he checks, I bet $16 trying to make it a little weaker looking so he can raise me and I can just shove and watch the nonsense ensue. Instead he calls. Turn is the 6d and he checks. I figure a few things...if he's on hearts the 6 scares him away, if he's on overs I can give him a chance to catch up, if he has a pair he probably calls another bet. In addition to this, players in rush love to check/call flop bets and then spew the river if you check behind the turn. That's a secret a few of us found earlier this year, and it seems to have moved to all forms of NLHE, not just rush. So I checked behind. Sure enough he pots the 8d river. At this point I have $129 in my stack and decide he can't have a 6 based on his play, might have 88 but that's so remote I don't consider it, but might have another pair or some other stupid shit that he might call a bet with. I shove it in and he calls with 99. I hate his play on all levels there, but only from the poker theory standpoint. Obv I love it for what it does to my overall session!

+$49.65 - I raise with KK from the cutoff. Yeah, I know, why am I playing this crap hand in rush poker of all places, but I can't help it. At least it's not suited. Button calls and we see a flop of 2T4 all spades. I bet and naturally get fuckin gobbled. I figure I'll call and fold to the Js on the turn. Nope, turn Qd, I check, he bets $4.50 and I don't know wtf that means, so I just shove. Right into QT. aljsdflasjlasf Wait, what's this? This hand is in the win section? Huh? Yup kids, Kh on the river and I immediately head to the basement waiting for the end of the world storm.

+$48.90 - UTG limps, next guy raises and for some reason I just call with AKd. I'm 50/50 calling/raising/spewing/folding here, so I choose call since there's only 2 options in a 50/50 situation. Or something. UTG limper folds which is funny cause I can't think of anything he would limp/fold with there. Literally nothing. Flop is 7d Tc 5c and the raiser bets $3. I decide to float this so I call. Turn is the Jd and now I have just enough outs to spew off a stack. He bets $7 but I just call figuring only losing $12 something on this hand is better than most, so let's see the river. River is the 4d and he checks. Well wtf I don't know what that means, but it's probably missed clubs. Or something totally retarded. Either way I go for max value and shove here. He calls away with KJs. LOL.

+$41.85 - I raise with 33, guy behind makes it $4, I call, sure wtf. Flop 354 all diamonds. I check and he checks behind. Turn 3c giving me quads. I check, he bets $2.50 and I'm way too busy digging my hole to even think about gathering branches and twigs much less raising here, so I call. River is the Js and I bet $10. He shoves on me. At some point I'm going to hell for this, but until then, I'm gonna have fun with it. As I time down and request time, I give him this line:

XaQ Morphy: straight flush?

XaQ Morphy has 15 seconds left to act

XaQ Morphy has requested TIME

XaQ Morphy: I guess I have to call, I have quads afterall

XaQ Morphy: gl

Poor bastard had JJ. Yup, going to hell for sure.

+$51.15 - I raised with QQ and the SB called. Flop was J57 2 diamonds, he leads out weak, I raised to $8, he called. Turn 5 and he checks. I bet $18 and he shoved and I had him covered by a bit. I figure if he flopped a set he doesn't wake up now and shove as his hand got stronger, so I'm putting him on something stupid like a flush draw or Jx. Jx it is and he flips over QJo and is drawing to 2 outs, neither of which get there.

losses:

-$49.50 - every once and a while playing rush I lose my mind and play something I never play. There's a reason I never play these hands...let me illustrate. UTG+2 raises to $1.50, folds to me on the BB and I have AJd. Now, half the morons out there would re-raise in this situation. I suppose a case could be made for doing that at a normal table, but at a rush table that's just pure spew. I think calling is 2nd worst. I normally just fold, but, well, it was suited. So fuck it, I call. Flop 9d 6d Ts and I sigh. I check and somehow he checks behind. Turn 6s and I decide to bet, and get called. River 3d and he all of a sudden leads out and bets. I figure I'm either up against something retarded or the nuts. I go for something retarded and shove. Yup, something retarded alright, my AJd. He had 99 and happily accepts my donation from the land of it was suited.

-$42.75 - I raise with JJ and a $80 stack and get called by another $80ish stack. Flop is Js Qd 9d and I hate it already. I bet $3, he raises to $9 and I don't know what to do here. I could put in another raise but it would only be to fold if he pushes. I generally like to avoid these types of spew plays. Instead I decide to call and see if I can get there cheapish. Turn 8h and I hate it even more. I check, he bets $12 and I almost just fold here but choose to peel another one instead. River is the 5d. I check, he bets $20 and since there's damn near nothing I can beat at this point, I guess I put him on 99 and called. In retrospect this is a really bad call and I can probably just fold the turn and move on, but TdJd gets another $32 from me that he normally shouldn't have.

-$52 - Someone makes it $1.50, I call with 55 and the SB calls. Flop is Td Jd 5s. SB checks, raiser bets $3, I make it $10, and SB shoves for $50ish and I have her covered. I can't fold here so I call and see the monster that is 4d3d. Naturally the 6d hits the river and they just doubled their net worth.

-$49.25 - I raise with 98 cause it's suited in spades and I'm a damn idiot. Button calls. Flop is Kc 7d Ts. I bet $3 and get instagobbled, so I hope to hit a card and call. Turn is the 7s which makes my eyes gloss over. I get it in and lose to his AKo when the 5d hits the river.

-$42.35 - hands like this irritate me to no end. Some idiot limps, I pot it with AA, 1 call and a guy behind makes it $12. Folds back to me and I just shove, he calls away with TT. TT? Really? WTF kinda nonsense is gonna happen now I ask myself. Yup, 4 diamonds on board and since he has one and I don't, he's awarded the nitwit of the week award. Err, maybe not week. Nitwit of the minute. That's better.

-$50 - Folds to me on the SB and I limp with J9d. I've gone through reasons for limping here, but overall if I limp with a lot of hands and pot any flop it's cheaper than if I raise and get called and then bet the flop and get called or raised and have to give up. So based on that I do it with a lot of hands and in a lot of situations. I figure the blind vs. blind hands typically aren't big pots anyway, so I give them up fairly easily. Until this one. BB raises to $1.50 and dammit I have suited cards so I call. Flop is Qd 8c 7d. I check, he bets $2, I start to count outs, get to 9 and raise to $9. He raises again so I just shove, right into Ad8d. Ugh. I don't hit a miracle, he wins. Ugly, ugly hand.

-$48.90 - So every once and a while I get something so completely retarded there are no words. Well there are, but most of them aren't nice. Guy raises to $1.50, 1 caller and I have AA on the SB. I juse raiset he hell out of it and make it $10 total. 1st guy folds, 2nd guy calls with 77. How do I know it was 77? Cause we got it in on the 726 flop, that's why.

-$50.55 - This one is extremely annoying. Guy raises to $1.50, I call with 55, another caller behind, and the BB who is named "flingUfeces" makes it $6.50. Folds to me and I have position on him so I call, guy behind folds. Flop is 365 all clubs, and unless he has AKc I think I'm good here. He bets $10.50, I shove, and the monster re-raising hand vs. half the table is Q9c. I don't pair up and hopefully he washed his hands.

-$47.95 - here's a sick one. UTG gobbles, button calls and I call on the BB with 66. Flop is Ac Kc 6h. I lead out for $3 and it's gobbled and called behind me. I shove and watch both of these guys get it in behind me. One has AK and the other has QcJc. Yikes. turn 7c, I don't pair up on the river and that's just a sick hand that I don't think anyone played really badly at all. Just one of those things.

Until next time my friends.

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Confessions of a Rush Poker donk - 10/27/10

Greetings Manifestites! It's here, another installment of the good, the bad, the ugly, and then the hands I played, which don't even really qualify for the above. I'm working up another installment o of random donk chat, which is misc. chat from various tables and such online, so look for that sometime in the relatively near future. Until then, enjoy these!

wins:

+$39.50 - I raise UTG with 88 and just the SB calls. Flop is 4A7 all diamonds, he checks, I bet $3 and he calls. Turn is the 8h and he bets $4. This is exactly how a flopped flush would play it, so I raise to $20. I make this raise instead of putting him in hoping that a lesser hands thinks they still have fold equity when they shove. Or so they can shove with the damn near nuts, which he does with QdJd. A 4 hits the river and my full boat house busts his ass. That's what you get for slow playing your flopped flush! Or something.

+$46.25 - I raise from the button with AA and the SB calls. Flop is 8T8 and he leads for $4 into me. I don't see an 8 doing this, but all sorts of other crap trying to represent an 8 will do this, so I just call. Turn is a 2 putting 2 diamonds up, he bets $5, and now I don't know wtf so I raise to $15 and he calls. River 5 and he checks. Now I figure he has a T or like JJ-KK. I just shove the river and he calls with QT. QT? Really?

+$56.60 - UTG with the monster stack that is $7.85 gobbles, next guy raises to $5. I have JJ and don't love my spot, but figure wtf, I can call and flop a set and bust some idiot and a maggot. So that's what I do. I call, maggot puts his last $1.85 in and we both call. Flop is 2KJ and the guy who raised to $5 has KQo and check/shoves the flop when I bet. UTG had A8 cause you know, it was suited, and I bust two idiots.

+$50.15 - UTG+1 open limps, one of the strongest moves in poker. If you're a retard that is. I raise with AK and he calls. Flop is AK7, he check/calls $4. Turn 2 and he check/calls $11. River 4, no flush possible, and he check/calls the rest. With A7o. That's a mighty splendid hand you have there son. You can whine and cry about it being a cooler flop, but if you weren't a retard, then I wouldn't have your stack.

+$47.20 - Some idiot gobbles, I re-raise with JJ, and he comes over the top with another small re-raise to $9 I figure he has AA/KK/AK or something completely retarded at this point, and I'm ahead of the retarded part, so wtf, I call. Flop QJ5, he bets $10, which seems funny since he put $9 in preflop, but who cares, I just hope he doesn't have AK, cause he either folds, or calls with a gutshot and I can't fade that. I shove, he calls and has KK and I bust him.

+$59.45 - this hand is kind of a mirror image of the one above, different opponent tho. I raise with AA, button calls. Flop 8Q8, I bet $4 and he calls. Turn 9, I check, he bets $7, I raise to $27, he calls. WTF here. River 7 and I just shove. He calls me with QT. QT is the new KQ? WTF?

+$51.75 - some idiot raises, even bigger idiot named girl_moneymake (no that's not a typo) re-raises to $5.25 and I have QQ. I just call, and so does the first idiot. No clue why he's an idiot other than he is playing poker online, so we'll go with that. Flop is 33Q, first guy checks, girl_moneymake bets $9, I giggle a bit and call, idiot folds. Turn J putting 3 hearts up and this moron shoves into me with KK. Granted, it's a line I'd take, but since I won and she lost, she's an idiot and I'm not. Best thing, there's 3 hearts up and she doesn't have one. River bricks and I double.

+$48 - UTG raises, I re-raise with AK, someone behind me cold calls and original raiser folds. Flop 8K6 all hearts, I have none, so I bet $8 and get called. Turn 8, I can't see this guy calling me with an 8 behind, but he could have hearts here. I decide to take a somewhat risky (read: stupid) line and check/raise. I check, he shoves for $145, which has me covered of course. I call and he has KQo no hearts. Ah on the river and another KQo gets the stackeroo going.

+$47.25 - I finally figured out how to win with KK: shove right into AA and have the board run 4K239. Easy as that.

+$71.25 - Over the years I've seen the most ridiculous questions posted to various online forums and newsgroups. My favorites are the ones where the idiots flop quads or a royal flush or quads or some shit then ask how they could have gotten paid off. Well, this is your guide so pay attention. I raise with 66 and get 2 callers. Flop is 66T 2 spades, I check, next guy checks, next guy pots it, I call, rest fold. Turn A, I check again and the guy pots it again. I do the most annoying bet in poker and gobble, and he calls. There's no real hand he can have that he would bet/fold here unless it's pure air, and if it is, I doubt he calls a bet on the river or bets himself anyway, since I've called 2 pot bets. As I was saying, I gobble, he calls. River K, only 2 spades on board from the flop, so I shove and he beats me into the pot with A8s. LOL. Somewhere he's whining to his friends about a cold deck. So there's your guide, find a moron with a flush draw and have him hand you his stack. Easy.

+$41.50 - Cutoff open limps, I complete on the SB with KTc, BB checks. Flop is 7TT, I bet $1 and get gobbled. I just call and see what I can donk up on the turn. Turn is the Ac putting 2 clubs up, so I figure there's basically no way I can win at this point. I check, he bets $3, wtf, I raise to $12, he calls. I don't have a clue what's going on here but I imagine he's just a moron with a T who somehow can't get his stack in. River is a K and I just shove. Poor bastard has T5o. Oh well. Sucks to be him.

+$39.75 - Someone raises and gets so many callers that I actually physically cannot fold here on the BB. I try but I call instead. I happen to have 46c. That hand used to be known as The Arlo, but now is known as the AIG. For obvious reasons of course. Anyway, flop is 5c 2c 3d and I just sit back laughing wondering wtf I'm gonna lose to. I check, someone bets $4.50, I just raise to $12 hoping I can get someone else in, but I only get the original raiser who puts his last $15 in or whatever it was. He has JJ and is damn near drawing dead. FTP puts the 4s on the turn just to fuck with me, but the 7c hits the river and I do a little dance. Then I sell my AIG stock. Fuckin Arlo, what a maroon.

+$38.45 - EP raises, SB calls and I re-raise with QQ. EP folds and the SB calls. I have him marked down as a total fuckin nitwit, like, certified, card carrying, the whole thing. This fucker even has the "Hi my name is IDIOT" name tag on. Flop is 759, he checks, I just pot it cause he's a moron and will call with anything, but instead he shoves on me. I call and he shows the monster that is A8h (flop has 2 spades and a diamond on it). Turn 8, river Q and his note remains.

+$46 - I raise with 45 cause it's suited, the BB re-raises, and I call with position and a veritable monster. Flop is 236 2 clubs cause that's how I roll. He bets $6, I figure at this point the re-raising range is like AJ+ and pairs, with the occasional moron in there. Anything with clubs isn't folding, any pair isn't folding, and hell, half the morons with AK no clubs will get it in, so I raise to $20. This fucker shoves on me with JJ. FTP does its thing with the 6 on the turn but a 4 hits the river and I bust this one too.

+$59.40 - here's some runbad turned into play bad turned into get lucky as hell. I raise UTG with QQ and get re-raised. I figure QQ plays like AK in this spot so I just shovey shovey, right into AA. I turn a Q and win a nice pot.

losses:

-$59.30 - Someone raises and gets 2 callers, and I have AK in the SB. I hate re-raising here, getting called in position and spewing on the flop, so I figured I'd just call and see if I can spew my stack another way. Flop 65K, I check, preflop raiser bets, I call sure, wtf. Turn 8 putting 2 spades up, I check, guy bets $13 this time, and I can't see anything taking this line that isn't AK or better, so I shove into his 55.

-$45.55 - MP raises, I call on the SB with JJ. I'm probably 80/20 raising vs. calling, so this is the 20% I call. Flop is 29K rainbow, I check, he bets $3.50, so I call. Turn 2s, I check, he bets $5.50, I check gobble, he calls. River 9 and shove figuring I'm value betting at this point. Well I was, just not for me. He had AK. There's an old saying that you shouldn't go broke with only one pair, but since I can't fold it, I won't blame him much.

-$43.35 - 2 limpers, someone raises and gets called, so I call on the SB with 77, and somehow both limpers fold. Flop is T73 2 clubs and I check/call a pot sized bet which is $9.75, putting this guy squarely on an overpair at this point. Turn is a K which puts 3 clubs up. I check, he bets $10 which is really a weak ass bet, so I shove for a little over $20 more. He calls and barely has me covered with the monster that is JJ with a club. Fortunately for him another J hits the river. Bah.

-$56.45 - I have no fucking clue what this is, but I see that I lost this much with AJo. I don't even want to look at the hand history cause there's simply no reason for that. I don't even play AJo, so my only guess is that my database is rigged.

-$49.50 - here's a fun hand, fun in that do a sommersault on a bed of nails kind of way. Some genius raises, I call with 88. Flop 85T 2 diamonds, he checks, and I'm feeling like letting him catch up so wtf, I check behind. Turn Q so the board is now 8d 5d Tc Qc. He bets $2.50, I raise to $8 and he shoves for $80 and has me covered. I call and he has the AcJc for A high and the magical fucking flush draw. River 2c and the flush draw is rewarded once again. Congrats dude.

-$47.15 - Some guy in MP open limps, SB completes and I make it $3 from the BB with JJ. Both call of course, and we head to the flop. Flop is 3JT 2 spades, I bet $6 and just the SB calls. Turn Ah, he checks, I bet $18, he calls. River 2h and he shoves and has me covered by a bit. A lot of hands take this line, missed spades, lower sets, 2 pair, something absurd, and in this case, the nuts takes this line, KQo no spades. Awesome.

-$50.75 - poker is a cruel beast. Someone raises, I re-raise with AK, they call. Flop is K76 2 diamonds, I have none so I bet $7 and the guy calls. Turn Ad and he leads into me. At this point I can just all out fold or put him in for his last $23. And lose to a flush. The 5 high flush of course.

-$48.50 - here's one of those "you know it's a bad day when" hands. I raise with 86 cause it's suited and I get re-raised from one of the blinds. I call in position. This can be argued as being bad, but I think there's enough data and proof that calling with these types of hands 100BB deep can be profitable enough. FLop is 7d Td 5h and I just sigh cause I know what's coming. I start counting outs and don't get past 9 or so when he pots it, I have plenty of ways to miss so I shove and he instacalls with fucking AKo. Turn J, river 7 and I have the mighty 8 high against A high, which is no good in today's poker. These fuckers.

-$20.30 - not a huge hand but more run bad. 2 limpers, I make it $3.50 with AA. One of the limpers with a monster $20 stack calls with QJo. Flop QT2 and we get it in. I get kicked in the nuts twice with the J on the turn and the Q on the river. Wonderful.

-$7.70 - another maggot run bad whine. 1 limper and this maggot shoves with AQo. I call with AKo and watch in amusement as the board runs 98T7J. Awesome.

-$20.70 - maybe the last of my runbad whines. Maybe not. This one is funny to me cause I was done for the day several hours earlier but decided to sit down and grind a bit. First hand I get AA on the BB. Someone raises, I re-raise and he shoves his maggot stack with JJ. Board Q8TTJ and I just sit out and close it down at that point. I get the message FTP. You can stop fucking with me now. Please? Ok well I found some more runbad but I'll spare you. I lost like 8 stacks over the last 2 weeks with AA or KK vs. a flopped set. That shit is just standard cause I do that to my opponents enough. I'll spare you the details though, lol.

Until next time!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Confessions of a Rush Poker Donk - 10/17/10

Hello Manifestites! Not much to report, and no time to report it, so I'll just get to the hands. Enjoy!

wins:

+$51.20 - UTG raises to $1.50 and gets 2 callers. I not only have the almight AK, it's suited in hearts, so I mash the pot button and raise it up to $8.25. UTG folds, next guy calls, rest fold. I have no clue wtf this guy could have here, but it has to be retarded. Flop is Jh Qh 6s and he checks to me. I can barely control the mouse as my entire body goes into a BSOD influenced seizure. I pot it, he shoves on me, I call. Board runs out 6c 4s, and by some miracle I've beaten the monster that is 9cTc. Uhhh. What a way to start.

+$43.25 - UTG limps, cutoff raises to $2, I call on the BB with 88, and UTG folds. I'll never understand what these idiots are limp/folding with like that. Anyway, name of the game is flop a set, stack a donk, so that's what I'm focused on. Flop comes 3Q8 rainbow, I check raise the shit out of this idiot who calls. Turn 2, I just put him all-in and he calls drawing dead with KQo. These morons and their KQ, it never ceases to amuse me.

+$40.75 - As most poker players can tell you, sometimes you get a moment of true clarity where you just know what's going to happen. Here I had one of those. Some retard raises and I call with 44. I just know that he's probably eating cold hot dogs at this point. I don't know how I know, it's definitely not a math based read, but just a pure gut instinct. Flop comes out 954 and now I'm sure of it. He bets, I raise, he shoves on me, and I bust hot dog boy's QQ when the board blanks out. I now have a new note on him: "if he's eating hot dogs, flop a set and bust his ass."

+$51.75 - I raise with my good friend KK and get 2 callers. As I move the mouse over to close the window down I see the flop come up K76 rainbow. There's no flush draw, so I'm not sure what I'm gonna lose to, so when it checks to me I bet $3. Strangely enough I get check-raised to $10. I break a branch off and call. Turn 3 completing the rainbow and this guy bets $17. Sure seems like he's not folding so I put him all-in. He calls with 76 drawing dead, and even after all that I still win the hand. This poker thing is rigged I tell you.

+$42.25 - I raise with 99 and everyone north of the equator calls. Flop is T9T 2 diamonds and I figure this is where I bet and they fold so fast it's like the site just crashed. I bet $7 and to my surprise I get 1 caller. Turn Kc and now is the time to set the trap. I check, put my sunglasses on, my hat on, my hood up, and put both hands right up to my face. No one is getting through this force field. Not a chance. My opponent bets $14, I only have $33 left so fuck it, I shove, and he calls with the hand known as drawing dead, in this case it's AdJd. These morons and their flush draws, gotta love em. Or their money at least.

+$44 - This one had me laughing for a while. Folds to the SB who limps, I check with the powerhouse that is Q6o. Flop is Q5Q and I start wondering wtf kinda nonsense is gonna happen here. He bets 75c, which is so fucking retarded I can't even begin to describe it, so I won't. I choose the only line available to me. What I mean is that I can't call or fold for obvious reasons, I can't make a normal raise because it requires more than one click, so I choose the only line available, I gobble. He calls because that's what people do when they bet 75c in a 25c/50c game and get gobbled. Turn 6 and he checks. I go into full Hellmuth mode, refill the mouse trap with cheese and check behind. River 7 and he comes out betting $7.50. For those of you who are following this, preflop there's $2 in the pot, on the flop there's $3 more, so he just bet $7.50 into a $5 pot. At this point I seriously consider another gobble, but since I didn't gobble the turn there's no point. I just shove for $45 and he instacalls with 55. See previous statement about nonsense. Fuckin gobblers. Err, oh wait.

+$47.25 - Some moron named ScareyGirl open limps in MP, I check the BB with 76. Flop is T66 and I just lead out and pot it for $1.25. This genius raises to $3.25 and I know immediately that she has a big pair. Anyone named ScareyGirl who open limped and raised on that flop ain't folding, so I shoved for $75. She happily calls her stack off with AA putting no thought into it at all. I nail a full house boat on the turn with a 7, river T and I yell BOO as she hits the rail.

+$46.50 - guy named Double Fold raises to $2. I hit pot and make it $8.75 with AA, and he shoves with AKo. Board runs 43A5K and I email FullTilt asking them to change this guy's name to Double Up.

+$34.35 - Folds to me in the cutoff and I have 2 suited cards, so I raise, they happen to be 7d6d. SB re-raises to $4.25 which is an amount that just screams "HEY, BUST ME!", so I do. I call, flop is Ah 9d 5d, he bets $5, I just shove, and he calls it away with AQo. I win in the most amusing way possible, turn 6h, river 7c, and another AQ playing, rail hitting moron, uhhh, plays AQ and hits the rail.

+$56.50 - UTG+1 raises to 1.50, I re-raise with KK, someone behind cold calls, raiser calls. I see a flop of KT6 2 clubs, and wonder what kinda ridiculous flush draw is gonna bust me. Instead, the cold caller pots it into me with TT, I shove and bust him. My only guess is the other guy misclicked with his flush draw, cause flopping top set with KK shouldn't be that easy to win with.

+$52.15 - I raise UTG with JJ and get not one, not two, not three, not four, but five (5, FIVE) callers. Now there's some respect. Flop comes out KJ6 with 2 spades and one player checks to me. I honestly can't see any reasonable play here, so I just shove for $111. Next guy behind me calls his $46 away, the rest fold, and I bust this poor guy's 66.

+$40.20 - I raise with AA to $1.75 (pot button is your friend, or at least my friend), guy named ninjachicken re-raises to $6.50. A famous man named Matt Matros once said that you should be shoving AK into completely unreasonable situations to cover for the times you have AA. Well, this time I have AA, so I need to shove here in order to cover for the times I have AK. I do. He tanks. He requests time. I type in "just fold already" and at that exact second he calls with AKs. I somehow still beat him even after trash talking and after he flops a K. Jedi mind tricks, Morphy style.

+$37.05 - I raise to $1.75 with TT. 1 caller, SB re-raises to $4.25, which is about the most retarded re-raise size there is. We both call, and the 99T flop smacks me silly. We check around while I try to do that thing they do on cartoons when they get flattened by an anvil. I don't have an air pump, so I close my mouth, hold my nose, and blow as hard as I can. Try it, you'll like it. Turn As and now I think there's a good chance he has AA, but obv I'm never folding. He checks, I bet $6, 1 call, and he shoves for $25. I call, next guy folds, and this genius is drawing almost dead with AK. River 8 seals the deal. For some reason I can't hear out of my left ear now.

+$57.85 - Someone in EP raises, retard makes it $5 an I have QQ on the BB. I don't want to get too nuts here so I just call, and original raiser folds. Flop is T66. I check, he bets $7.50 which seems weak, but there's no real point in raising, so I just call. I mean, I guess I can raise, but his re-raising range is either 2 big cards or a pair. If he has TT I'm drawing to 2 outs, if he has 2 big cards he folds to a raise, if he has an overpair he shoves. I can't stand a re-raise, so I think calling is probably best. Turn Q and I giggle a bit. I check, he bets $10.75 and while there's a chance he has AA, I doubt it, so I do the old check/gobble figuring he'll shove AQ or KK/AA, but he calls. I can't think of wtf he would/should be calling with here. River A and he has $24.85 left so I just bet $25. He calls it off with AK. Awesome. Calls the check raise with a gutshot draw drawing completely dead.

losses:

-$45.35 - I raise UTG with QQ and get called by some guy in MP. Flop is 753 rainbow, I bet $3 and he calls. Turn 8 putting 2 spades up, I bet $5, he raises and I should probably fold so I shove instead. He has the awesomeness that is 78, and rivers another 8 for a tug boat. Err wait, a house boat. Sorry, I keep screwing up the terms.

-$35.70 - I haven't lost with AA in a while so let's see what I can do. Button open limps, one of the strongest moves in poker (if you're a retard), I raise from the SB with said aces, BB calls, button finds a fold somehow (second strongest move). Flop comes 78J rainbow, I just pot it and BB calls. Turn T which is a pretty ugly card, but he's kinda short so I just check raise right into his 99. Oops.

-$36.45 - 1 limper, I limp behind with 55, blinds are in. Flop is 8Q4 and it checks around. Turn 5 and I drool a little. 1 check, next guy bets $2, gets a call, I raise to $10, and first guy (who was the BB) shoves. The BB could have anything in this hand, and 2 raggy pair is all over his range. I can't fold here, and naturally he has 76. River K and I don't fill up, so all the wannabe announcers out there can say "big blind special" out loud and feel better about themselves. Go ahead. You know you want to do it.

-$30.80 - I raise with AA and the BB calls. Flop is 6K6 and he check raises me. I put him on some hands I can beat and shove. He doesn't have any of those hands and instead has 65. Who the hell calls raises with suited cards like that? Oh wait.

-$51.60 - I raise UTG with 88 and guy I have marked as a loose re-raiser makes it $3.50. Button calls, blinds fold, I call. Flop is 689 all diamonds. Raiser bets $4.50 and gets called. I'm in a tough spot here and don't know wtf to do. When in doubt, shove in drawing dead I always say, so that's what I do, right into 99.

-$35.50 - 1 limper, I raise with my good buddy KK and he calls. Flop is 289 2 clubs, I pot it, he calls. Turn is the Tc and he checks to me. Pot is $15ish, he has $30 something left, so I don't know what to do here. I can't always put them on the flush draw, and I can't just always give up when the flush card hits. That's what weak players do, and that's why they'll never be winning players. Of course, they are also results oriented, and in this hand they will say I should have checked the turn and folded to the river bet, cause the guy had Ac4c. Which, btw, is a fine open limping hand. It is suited afterall. I act surprised that KK lost to a flush draw, but only because it was the nut flush draw, and not the 8 high flush draw.

-$51.35 - Folds to me on the button adn I raise wtih AK. SB folds, BB re-raises. They re-raise with a lot here, so AK is well ahead of their re-raising range. This makes a shove profitable. Well, in most cases. But not here, when he calls with the monster that is AsJs. It never ceases to amaze me when I see this shit. WTF does he think I'm shoving with? Air? In a cash game? WTF? As I see the board come out, I now know what he was thinking. He was thinking he'd bust the fool with AK when the board runs out 5s Ac 2c Qs 8s and he has the nuts. AJ, the universal hand of the retard. If you just found yourself saying "but it was suited", then yes. Exactly.

-$40.90 - So I normally don't play this hand, but there's a reason. There's this elusive little maggot fucker named, appropriately, DieShorty. I've been playing this guy for 9 months and literally have only been in like 3 hands with him. I've been trying to bust him the entire time. The great whale of poker as it is. So, some moron maggot raises to $1.25 from the button, DieShorty calls on the SB and I call on the BB with KsJs. Like I said, I normally don't play this hand, and what I didn't even realize until after the hand is that DieShorty, who ALWAYS has $20 or less, somehow has $40.90 here. He must have missed his chance to rathole after doubling up before. So anyway, flop 8K2 and it checks to me, I bet 3, button who obv had nothing folds, Shorty raises to $7.50, and I'm blinded by baggging the big one, so I shove right into his 22. Sigh. Another one got away. I'll get you Shorty!

Until next time!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Confessions of a Rush Poker Donk - 10/2/10

Hello Manifestites! I hope all is well out in Donkeyville. Not much to report here, new month, same shit going on, more Rush Poker, playing some other stuff on The Site That Shall Not Be Named that I might include here from time to time. Nothing else to really say, so on with the hands!

Wins:

+$26.05 - 1 limper, SB checks, I decide to check the BB with 99 since only bad things can happen if I raise, and worse things could happen if the flop is all undercards, so I go with that. Flop is 9AJ 2 hearts. I bet $1.50 and some genius shoves for $28. I call and somehow his A8o doesn't win. Sorry dude, please try again.

+$66.30 - I raise with QQ from the button, SB folds, BB re-raises. I 4 bet to $15.25 (just hit pot and go) figuring he's on a fairly wide range, and he calls. Flop is 9AQ which is awesome. He bets $14 into me, I just shove and he calls drawing near dead with AK.

+$31 - I raise with AK and get 1 caller. Flop is AQJ 2 diamonds, I have none. I bet $2.50, which is in my standard cbet range, he raises to $6.50, I can't really beat anything so I call. Turn is the Tc and I laugh a bit wondering wtf I'm gonna run into now. I check, he bets $5, I raise to $25 figuring he'll just shove, but to my surprise he calls. The river is the 3d, which completes the flush draw and is kind of an ugly card, but I'm not folding at this point. I figure if he has 2 pair he's checking behind, a set might check behind, and if he's on something like 99 or something retarded like that he never bets, so I just put him all-in, but he folded on the river. I have no clue wtf he could have had to take this line, so I'm just gonna go with the standard read that he's a retard.

+$65.35 - I would swear that I lose every time I'm dealt KK, but my database says otherwise, and since there's a 100% chance that my database is smarter than I am, I'm gonna go with that. In this hand cutoff raises to $1.50, button calls, SB raises to $4, and fuck it, I just shove for $65 something. SB calls with AsKs, board runs 7T863 without a single spade and FTP builds a statue in my honor.

+$81.70 - if this hand isn't proof that I've conquered NLHE, I don't know what is. I get QQ all-in preflop against AA and KK and bust both of them with a board of 674Q5. FTP designs an avatar in my honor. It looks very similar to their donkey avatar. I'm sure it's just a coincidence.

+$43.05 - I raise with JJ and get one caller. Flop is 9T7, I bet $3, he raises to $8.50, I can't beat much so I call. Turn J and I check while getting my shovel and some twigs. He checks behind. River T, so fuck it, I overshove and he calls with QQ. I bet he was getting his shovel too. To bury himself with. Or something.

+$36.35 - UTG+1 raises to $1.75, I call with 77, genius re-gobbles to $3, the first raiser finds a fold somehow, I call. Flop 967 rainbow, I check raise his $4 bet, he shoves on me with the mighty AK high drawing dead. Nice play there, sparksalot.

+$31.30 - Same preflop raiser from above raises, a different moron gobbles, I call with TT on the SB, BB folds, but this time the preflop raiser finds it in his heart to call getting 35.23467834:1. Good man. Flop is TK7, I check, pf raiser checks, gobbler bets $4, I call, pf raiser folds. Turn 3, I check, pf raiser shoves on me with the mighty JJ. Gobble is as gobble does.

Hands for the victoriously challenged:

-$45.15 - 2 limpers, and some fuckin genius gobbles on the button. I'm in the BB and have 2 cards so I can't fold. The 2 cards happen to be Qc8c, but that doesn't even matter. The limpers call as well, surprise surprise. Flop is 2c Ac 5c. Checks to the button who bets fuckin $1. I raise to $5, someone else calls and the button calls. Turn Th. I bet $15, other caller calls, button folds. I have no clue wtf this guy could have here, but I'm never folding. River is the As and I figure if he had something like AxJc he'll never fold now, so I shove. Yeah, fucker has KcTc. Cold decks suck. Gobblers suck. Q8 sucks. Clubs suck. Except for Canadian Club. I've recently joined that club and I'm liking it so far. Maybe it will help with some of these hands.

-$36.80 - 3 limpers, I call on the SB with J7, BB checks. Flop is J25 2 clubs, checks to last player to act who bets $2, so I call and peel a turn. Turn Js and now I'm in trouble. I check, he bets $8, I hate it but I call. River As, I check again, he moves in, I somehow only started the hand with $36.80 so by some odd coincidence that's what I give his 55. I normally don't even call the flop bets with these top pair no kicker hands, since the only reason I call preflop is for the odds I'm being given, but for some reason I got stupid here. Oops.

-$22.60 - KK + maggot = -$22.60. This time he called it off preflop with AQd. Board 23524, awesome.

-$48.50 - good old KK again. 2 limpers to my button so I just make it $4. BB damn near instacalls, others fold. WTF? Flop is 88Q 2 spades, which is perfect for KK, right? I mean other than the flush draw. That they always have. Always. Seriously. What flush draw could he have here? The old Ks9s. He bets into me, I shove, he calls me so fast it's like he has the Js, 4d already in his hand ready to deal, and sure enough, I sit there wondering wtf just happened.

-$36.45 - Someone raises to $1.75, I re-raise to $5.50 from the SB with QQ, he calls. Flop is 327 rainbow. I bet $12, he shoves and I snap his JJ off. That is, until the J nails the river.

-$31.70 - this one is fun. I raise to $1.75 with AK, genius behind me re-raises, folds back to me and I just shove for $47. He calls off his stack which happens to be uhh, $31 something with the old QJo. Board runs out 865J5 and the QJo trick works again.

-$40.75 - KK again. Are you seeing the pattern here? Fuck sake. I raise , 1 caller. Flop 92J and the fuck has JJ. Sigh.

That's it for now, but as expected, I have 2 weeks worth of hands to write up. I'm gonna do that now. No really, I am. So expect another blog entry in, well, you know. Until next time!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

xaqmorphy@donkeymanifesto.com

Confessions of a Rush Poker Donk - 9/21/10

Greetings Manifestites! Yup, I've been slacking again. Oh well, if you aren't used to it by now you'll never learn, so I'll just keep making these half excuses and posting when I feel like it. Recovery from neck surgery is going very well, at the 2 month point I'm now able to lift up to 20lbs and do just about everything else fairly normally. I'm still in a fair amount of pain from time to time, especially later in the day, but that's getting better every day. I'm expecting another month to be cleared of any weight restrictions. If it's anything like last time it'll take a good year before I feel 100% again, but this is so much better than before surgery I can't even describe it.

Poker for me lately has been a bit different. I've been playing on the site that shall not be named that rhymes with BlokerMars. They have some really juicy sort of hidden games that run from time to time and I'm taking advantage of the people who like to play every hand in every game they choose. It's great. But I'm still playing Rush Poker on FullTilt. I have a goal of getting a slew of FTP points and spending them all on something from the FTP store, and Rush is the easiest way to get there, so wtf, why not. During the few weeks that the hands below came from I've been running worse than normal, so I decided to change things up here and there. Some PLO, some PLO8, a few limit games here and there, basically something to stop the bleeding. Since I'm still writing these I guess it worked.

I'd also like to announce that I'm 1 month RGP free. What a shithole that place is. I can't believe I've wasted so much time there over the years with all of the total morons that post there on a day to day basis. Oh well, I will be making a return appearance in a few months for an event that is going by the name "The Welchiversary", so that should be fun. Look for me in November or so.

Ok I've babbled enough, onto the hands. Note that these run up through 9/9, so I'm even slacking on writing up the hands after my sessions. I was using it as a way to review my play, and it was working well, but it took a while to do, so I sort of slacked. This is basically a foreshadow to the possibility that I'll stop doing these one day.

Wins:

+$38 - raise with 22, button calls. Flop 892 rainbow, I bet, get fucking gobbled, so I just shove and poor guy has 89. Can't blame him on this one. I mean, I can because by default all of my opponents are morons, but for this particular hand, I'll give him a pass.

+$37.65 - I raise with AK in the cutoff to $1.75, and the jackass in the SB makes it $2.75. I resist the urge to toss the laptop out the window, and shove. Fucker beats me into the pot with AQ and amazingly the board runs T6J29 and I bust his ass.

+$29.55 - a bunch of limpers to me and I call with 22, some moron raises so we all call. Flop is 2QQ. Preflop raiser checks to me so I just bet pot figuring any Q goes nuts and everyone else folds anyway, so wtf. He calls, rest fold. Turn 7 and I pot it again, and he calls all-in with JJ. Wonder wtf he put me on. Oh well, thanks dude.

+$35.95 - UTG+1 gobbles and gets a call. I re-raise to $4 to isolate and some idiot behind calls but the other 2 fold. WTF is going on here. Flop is A86 rainbow. I bet $9 and he shoves. Well ffs, I call, he has AJ. I somehow hold and another moron calling 8BB preflop cold with AJ cause it's suited hits the rail. So I wrote this hand up a few weeks ago and apparently never put in my hole cards. I'm going to guess that I didn't have KK, so I'll go with AK.

+$176.70 - yup you read that one right. After running horribly for a solid week I lose my patience and take $160 to $2/$4 PLO looking to gamble it up. And gamble it up I did. Guy who raises every hand raises, I call witih QJT7 double suited, 1 other call. Flop is 936 rainbow and this guy bets, like he does EVERY single time he raises preflop. I'm serious, I watched him for 40 minutes doing the same thing over and over. I say you know what, I have a pretty strong hand here with QJ high, so fuck you pal, I'm getting you off this hand. I shove. He calls me with fuckin 5576. Really? 5576? What the fuckin hell kinda call is that? Turn A giving him a flush draw and I start to close the laptop, but river is an 8 and I double up. Seriously, wtf, and I'm not just saying that about his play.

+$36.45 - more PLO, but this time at what unfortunately seems to be the level I'm going to be stuck at for the rest of my life. 3 handed here, and I'm missing every flop and getting raised every time I bluff. I call a raise with QT75 with spades and see a flop of Q82 with 2 spades. That seems plenty, so I get it in with AA93 with spades. Uhh, oops. Turn 3, river is a Q and I giggle a bit.

+$42.10 - UTG+1 raises, I re-raise with QQ, he calls. Flop 467, 2 diamonds, I bet $6 and he shoves for $90. I only started the hand with $44, so I don't know what to do here. If he has something like AdKd I'm basically even, if not slightly behind. If he has AA/KK I would have thought he would re-raise me pre, especially on a rush table. If he has a set I don't know if he shoves like this. So I call, he has 99 and I double up.

+$41.15 - I call a raise on the SB with 88, BB calls as well. Flop is 83Q and I decide to lead out for $3. BB raises to $13.50 and raiser folds. I figure the raise size plus speed at which he raised means he's never folding so I just shove. He has AQ and rivers the insult kick in the nuts Q to fill me up. Another full house boat my way!

Un-wins:

-$43.55 - so here's a fun hand. As I said earlier, lately I've been playing a bunch of different games including some PLO, PLO8, 7-game cash, and NL facepalming. In this fun hand of PLO, the table moron raises and I call with JT96 double suited hearts/diamonds. This guy has been playing every hand so I figure if I can hit a good flop I can win a big pot, and even if I have a weaker hand he'll bluff at it so I can pick him off fairly light. FLop is 8Q9 rainbow with one club, and I groan. I check, another player checks, this guy bets, I check/raise pot, he calls. Turn Ac and I lead out and pot it. River is the Jc, I still have the nut straight but now there's 3 clubs. I decide to check/call because I know he's shoving 100% of his range here, and 100% of his range is not clubs. In retrospect and talking the hand over with Fell, I probably should have just bet him in, cause 2 pair/sets might call but will check behind on the river. Who knows since I still think he shoves his whole range. Anyway, this genius has the old fuckin J76c4c. Drawing dead to running clubs for the 6 high flush. Naturally he donked off the rest of the stack to someone else about 10 mins later.

-$48.45 - this one irritates me to no end. Some fuckin genius gobbles, players not even on the table call, and I'm getting like 17:1 to call with 4h6h on the BB. Long time RGPers know that 46 was known as the Arlo, but ever since that crazy bastard told everyone to put all their extra money in a certain stock, the hand has been renamed to the AIG. So yeah, I see a flop of 5h 2h Qc. Fuck. I can't control the complete BSOD that overcomes me and I get in with the gobbler, who naturally has AA. These people need to be strung up by their toenails and whipped to death with live turkeys. Seriously.

-$20.25 - I have no recollection of this hand but it looks funny. I call a raise with J7 cause you know it was suited. Flop is AQ8 2 hearts and the guy bets, so I raise cause I have the nut fuckall. Turn 3h, he checks, I bet $11 and he fuckin gobbles me. alsdjfalsjdfal;sdfj.

-$32.75 - this one is annoying cause I knew better. I raised with TT, guy re-raises and I call. Flop is 252 and I check/call a bet. Turn is a 9, I check, he bets again and I figure I'll never fold so I just shove, right into the most obvious overpair ever. Blah.

-$84.55. This one stung a bit. I limped with 22 and called a raise with 4 others. FLop is T42. I check, guy bets $6 and for some reason I only raise to $15. He calls. Turn A, and all of a sudden my spidey senses go off. I have really really bad feelings about this hand. I ignore them and check/shove right into AA. I still don't see folding this, but I just had such a strong feeling at the time that the A was such a bad card that I at least thought about it.

-$103.80 - running bad so I take $100 to $1/$2. First hand i get AKs on the BB. Cutoff raises to $6, I don't know wtf to do so I just shove it in. He tank calls with JJ of all hands. I flop the A but he goes runner runner for a flush. That was mostly a reminder to stop screwing around when running bad and just find something else to do. A cheap one at least.

-$47.75 - I laughed for a good 2 mins after this hand. So folds to the button who raises. SB calls, and I have AhQh. I could really call, fold, or raise. I raise it to $6, button calls. Flop is Jh 6h 5d and I have 2 overs that may be live and a flush draw. I bet $12, he calls. Turn Kc and I add a gutshot draw. I don't know wtf he has so I just shove it in. He damn near beats me into the pot with the monster that is Ad6c. WTF? Remember how I said the buttons always raise with garbage and a re-raise usually takes it down? Yup. Also remember when I said I hate AQ? Yup.

-$67.55 - this one is one of the sickest hands I played last week. Game is PLO8, basically changing things up to try not losing my mind. 6 handed table, there's 2 limps to me and I have A248 rainbow. I could raise here, but elect to limp along. Both blinds in so it's a 5 way pot. Flop is 424 2 clubs. My god, I've flopped a monster high but any low card gives one of these idiots who plays shit like J963 a low, so I need to build a pot quick here. 1 check, guy bets $2.50, gets 2 calls and I raise it to $15. To my surprise, 3 people call! Turn is a 2, and now my hand is even better because of the fact that anyone with a 2 might think they are good, and the low hasn't come in yet. I don't know what the hell anyone could possibly have here, but I don't really care since I'm never ever not going to just get my stack in. Sure enough it checks to me, I shove for $52 and get 2 calls, by KTA3 for the naked low draw, and A4T9 for trip 4's. River is the nastiest, ugliest T I've ever seen, and I watch all the chips fly towards that guy. Yuck.

-$43.50 - good old fuckin KK. I raise and get near min-raised. I decide not to go 37 gobbles against AA so I just shove right into it instead.

-$33.55 - Looking back I must have been pretty irritated at how I was running, but I don't hate my play. UTG raises and gets 2 callers and it's on me with QQ. I have $40 so I just shove it in. 1st guy folds, 2nd guy folds, 3rd guy has fuckin KK. WTF? Why would someone flat a raise and 2 calls with KK? Does he think some idiot is gonna re-raise behind? Err, oh yeah.

So that's it for this time. Until next time!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

xaqmorphy@donkeymanifesto.com

Confessions of a Rush Poker Donk - 8/29/10

Hello Manifestites! It's that time once again. The good, the bad, the ugly, the horrific, and then way past that, some of my hands. Before I start, I'll say that I received a request for my email address, since some of you don't know what it is. Best way to get a hold of me is xaqmorphy@donkeymanifesto.com, and I'll include that in my signature for the rest of my posts. Sorry about that!

These past two weeks have been interesting. For those following RGP, I have to say, it's official...don't make bets with people online. You would think that of all of the newsgroups out there, one called rec.gambling.poker would be one that you would be able to make poker related bets with someone and have them honor their bet when they lose. Nope, this isn't the case. Everyone knows the story of the person now known as DaWelch, and most know that the post I made here announcing I was leaving RGP was total BS and just a setup to pull off one of the biggest and best trolls in RGP history. But this one is simply amazing.

Back in 2008 I made a bet with someone that I'll just call "Alan" cause not only is that his name, he uses "quotes" on every other damn word, making his posts nearly impossible to read. Anyway, "Alan" made up some nonsense post about how great Annette Obrestad was and how she was a "lead pipe cinch" (his words) to make the final table in the 2010 World Series of Poker main event. She just won the WSOP Europe main event at the age of 18, and this year was the first she was old enough to play in the US based events. He went on to say that ESPN would have a great fantasy final table with her busting Hellmuth and going on to win. Ok dude, whatever. He's basically a delusional moron with no poker abilities at all. I've enjoyed trolling the shit out of him over the years, to the point where he claims he left RGP because of me. LOL to that. Anyway, I bet him $50 that neither Annette nor Hellmuth would even cash in the 2010 main event. He took the bet, I confirmed, and that was that. Fast forward to 2010 when both of these poker giants busted on day 1, and I show up to RGP to collect my bet. Nope, "Alan" mysteriously vanishes from RGP. He then shows up a few weeks ago, I ask him wtf, and start one of the larger threads in RGP history. Turns out that a few total morons including one crazy lunatic named Boise decided that if they take a few posts of mine out of context, including one a full 18 months after the bet was made, that they could invalidate the bet. I won't go into all the details, but needless to say I got stiffed, "Alan" is a welch, and now his name goes down in RGP history as being a scumbag who welches out of a $50 bet. Pathetic. As my latest troll, I decided to just stop reading/posting to RGP for a while. The sheer amount of stupidity that those threads dredged up is almost too much to handle, and I can find better use of my time for sure. It's only a matter of time before one of those morons proclaims that they ran me off of the newsgroup. Right. In their dreams.

Anyway, onto better things. Recovery from neck surgery is going well. I've been back in the office at work for the last few weeks straight, had a few mornings where I wake up completely sore and stiff, but for the most part I'm getting better every day. I do have this thing where it feels like something is kneeling on my windpipe, but they tell me that's normal (uhh, what?) and that it'll go away soon. What's that? STFU and get to the hands already? Alright, you asked for it!

I missed a week of posting and realized how many big hands are played over the course of a few thousand hands, so I did some heavy editing. There's a bunch of larger hands where it's just AA vs. KK all-in or something similar that I just left out. I won't do a top 5, more like top 10 or so of each, and I'm starting to get more creative when writing these (read: my mind wanders worse than a foreigner lost in a Canadian swamp), so I decided to fold. Uhh, right. Here goes.

Wins:

+$48.25 - Some moron gobbles UTG+2. This gobbling shit has got to stop, cause there's no point behind it. I don't get why they do it, cause it makes absolutely no sense at all. At any rate, it lets me play shit like 8c5c, which by some strange coincidence is what I have this hand. I'm maybe 75/25 calling vs. re-raising here, and my randomizer of vicodin plus remembering stories from my childhood reminds me of the time I fell off of the garage roof and sliced my leg open on the aluminum shed from my knee all the up to my upper thigh, so, uhh, what? Oh, yeah, I called. Someone raises behind to $3.75, the gobbling moron folds, I have suited cards, and I remember my leg stinging like a god awful son of a bitch (no stitches though, as the cut wasn't deep), so I called again. Flop 6c 9h Ac and he checks. I don't know what the hell this means really. The top 3 hands he re-raises with are AA/KK and AK, and unless he has AA, I don't see why he checks here. Ok fine, I'll see a free card, I check. Turn 3c and how he bets $7. Well, I've never in my life folded a flush using both my hole cards, so I raise to $23, and he calls. River 4s, he checks, I bet $22, he tanks and puts his last 75c in (that bet will never get old), I obv call and he has AQo. Jesus, I wrote a lot. AQ sucks btw. Seriously, it's one of the worst hands in poker.

+$47.20 - standard big pair vs. big pair, but the action was weird. UTG+2 raises, guy with QQ calls, I re-raise to $10 with AA, BB cold calls all that, first raiser folds, QQ shoves, I re-shove, the guy who cold called $9.50 folds, and my AA holds up to bust the guy who trap/shoved himself into the rail.

+$23.90 - I raise with T9 cause you know, it was suited, and get 1 caller named "illraiseyou". Flop 9AJ rainbow, I bet $3, he calls. Wait, the guy named illraiseyou calls? Surely that's a typo? Nope, he calls. Turn 8 putting 2 clubs up, I bet $6, and illraiseyou calls. Wait, what? Yup. River Q giving me a straight, I bet $15, and the guy named illraiseyou, yes folks, calls again. He mucks AQo. Well done illcallyou. 4 times even.

+$92.20 - biggest win so far since doing these hands. Half the table limps, I complete on the SB with Ac4c, BB checks. Flop is A24 2 hearts, and yikes, here I am first to act with 2 pair vs. the world. I bet $2, BB calls, folds to the button who raises to $10. At this point I have no clue wtf to do. BB has to have "something", and the raiser has to have "something", but that something could be something retarded like, oh, AQ. Fuck it, I shove for $47.75. BB INSTA-calls, and at this point I figure he has to have 35, and the button calls as well, so I figure he has to have a set here. Nope, BB has As2s and the button has Ah5h. Turn Jd, river Qd, and I bust both of them.

+$33.50 - I raise with AA and get instagobbled. This shit pisses me off and the fucker's name is mii boo which tilts me to no end, so I shove on his ass. He finds the call with the monster that is 77, and somehow I win.

+50.45 - I know you're gonna accuse me of making this up, but here goes anyway. I raise UTG with KK, 2 callers. Flop 9T3, I bet and get one caller. Turn 4, I check, guy named i5bet72o bet $10, I call. River 5, no flush possible, I check, this fucker shoves. WTF, I put him on 72o and call. He had AQo. Did I mention AQ sucks? Actually I'm surprised that FullTilt didn't just crash at this river. AQ which never wins vs. KK which never wins. Kinda surprised I didn't just end the world there. Sorry about that, I'll be careful next time.

+$28 - I call a raise in position with 8h7h and see a flop of 6Q8 rainbow. Guy bets small so I call. Turn 7, he bets $8, I shove and have him covered, he calls with KQo. I make a full house boat on the river with a 7. The nice thing about these morons that play KQ is that they never, ever fold it if they flop a pair.

+$50.25 - UTG limps, moron raises, I call on the button with 44, limper calls. Flop is JA4 rainbow. Limper checks, moron bets $5.50, I raise to $20, limper folds, moron calls. Turn 4, moron checks, I check behind, cause you know, that's what everyone does when they hit quads. River 5 and moron shoves on me. I think about it for a second, trying to see if there's a straight flush possible, then I ask him if he can beat quads. He doesn't answer, so I think he's bluffing and I hit call. Moron has AJo, which is the universal hand of the moron. Thanks, moron!

+$55.50 - I've been adding 50c/1 to my table time lately, with mixed results. In this hand, MP raises to $3, I call with 34 cause well, it's suited, someone behind raises to $13, other guy calls, and I can't really see folding here, so fk it, I call. Flop 3T4 rainbow, lol. Re-raiser pre checks, original raiser bets $30, I just move in for my $75ish, and somehow both of them fold. Uhh, ok. Thanks?

+$46.05 - Guy raises who has a name similar to zuul. Remember that movie? There is no Dana, there is only zuul. Great stuff. For a good few months after that movie came out, everything used that quote. There is no pizza, only zuul. There is no piano, only zuul. Etc. etc. Anyway, I call with 85 for the obvious reasons. Some moron behind me gobbles, and I want to strangle him. So yeah, half the table calls. Flop is Ts 8c 3s and I'm getting pissed already cause I know the gobbler has some nonsense and is gonna bust me after I miss a zillion outs. I check, gobbler bets $4.50, I raise to $16, gobbler shoves and of course I call. He has QQ. I nail the 4s on the turn, he somehow misses the 4th spade to hit a higher flush, and there is no gobbler, only zuul.

+$41.55 - UTG limps, I raise with JJ, guy behind me re-raises, limper folds, I call. Flop is 4J4 and this guy leads out and pots it, leaving himself $25ish behind. I just get it in figuring he has an overpair and isn't folding, so calling here makes no sense. He instantly gets it in with the monster that is AK. The way he played it I was sure he had AA/KK. Oh well, thanks dude.

+$47.15 - Cutoff raises to 1.50, I'm 50/50 calling vs. raising here with TT. I call this time, blinds fold. Flop is KT7, he checks, I figure he's done with it so I just bet $3, but he calls. Turn 8 putting 2 spades and 2 hearts up, he checks again, I bet $8, he calls. WTF is going on here. River 3h and he checks again. I can see him having a flush here approximately never, but I can't imagine him calling another bet. So I just go for max value and shove for a good $15 over the pot. He calls with the monster that is KQo. Wow, so bad.

And now, the anti-wins, known as losses by some, donktitude by others, and just plan bad by the rest:

- $50.15 - I raise with AA and get 2 callers. Flop is 9c3dJd. BB checks, I bet $4, guy behind folds, BB raises to $14, and I'm stuck. I can basically shove or fold here. There's so many possible draws that calling makes no sense at all. I shove and BB has KdQd. For added insult I hit my set on the turn with the Ad.

-$36.05 - UTG+2 raises to $2.50, and here I am with some suited cards, 6h5h this time, so I call in position on button, and both blinds fold. Flop is Ah 5c Th and I flop a worthless pair and a pretty flush draw. He bets $2, I raise to $7, he calls. Turn 2d and now I'm stuck. He has "something" on the flop that he's calling with, so I'm sort of stuck. I check behind figuring that every one of these fucks bets the river if you check behind the turn, so if I hit my draw maybe he bets into me. River Qc and he checks to me. I don't know wtf to do, I channel my inner dipshit and figure I can't win without a bet, so instead of making a reasonable bet, I just shove it in, which is what I'll do with the nuts, and he owns me with AQ. Did I mention I hate AQ?

-$34.05 - folds to me on the SB and I complete with As2s. I don't see much value in raising here, I figure if I raise and he calls and I bet the flop and he calls or raises and I give up, I lose more than if I just limp and bet any flop. Or something. Flop 43J and I pot it, but he calls. Turn 5, I bet $3 and he gobbles, which is what these fuckers do on the turn with something completely retarded. We get it in, and sure enough, his retarded hand is the nuts, 76o. Today's lesson topic is implied odds. Don't be a statistic. Just say no. Or something.

-$22 - this one I can't even look at, cause I see I had 66 and lost $22 on a board of 24KA9. I scare me.

-$21 - UTG limps, I raise wtih JJ, and half the planet calls. Flop 465, 1 check, I say fuck it and bet $9.75, some fucker behind gobbles me all-in, rest fold. Gobble shover has 88 and rivers the nice 7 to send me into a frenzy.

-$43.25 - ahh yes my good friend KK. Guy raises to 1.50, I make it $6 with the trash that is two kings. He calls. Flop 987 and we get it in. He has 78o. Splendid pre-flop call sir. Then again, see previous lession about implied odds.

-$41.15 - I've been playing 50c/1 both with full and half stacks. I actually started half stacking to try and fix some leaks I have playing full stacks. This one I started the hand with uhh, well, $41.15, imagine that. I get one raise, a re-raise, and it's on my SB and I have AQc. I don't like calling, I don't like folding, and I don't like shoving. I probably hate shoving the most, so that's what I did, right into AA. There's a lesson in here somewhere about AQ, I just know there is.

-59.05 - I call a raise with 45s, which is probably a mistake when half stacking, but I blame BSOD. Flop 2s 9d 3s and I almost can't sit up straight now. We take like 17 raises on the flop to get it in, he has AsQs and I'm hurting. Turn Q, river T and I wake up 2 hours later and have no clue where I am.

-$180.30 - yup, you read that right. I'm known for taking shots, rampaging, donkstriking, whatever you want to call it. I decided to take a shot at $2/$4 for the hell of it. I started the session with $200, down to $180.30 here. I raise UTG with QQ, get called behind, there's a re-raise to $40, BB cold calls that, and here I am. One of the benefits of short stacking is that the tough decisions are taken away. Basically I'm folding or shoving here. I can't see calling this much and having to fold the flop when there's what, like a 40% chance of an overcard flopping or whatever it is. I just get it in here. Caller and re-raiser fold, but BB has AA. Oopsie. Needless to say there will be less 50c/1 in the future.

-$44 - UTG+1 raises 5xBB, I usually re-raise with QQ but don't know wtf this raise means since it's not all that normal, so I call along with 2 others. Flop is JQT and I groan. Preflop raiser bets $3.50 which means he missed pathetically, I raise to $12, but then get re-raised behind. I can't ever see folding here so I just hand my stack to AK.

-$49 - this one is fun. Guy raises, I call with 7s9s. Flop is Ts 8s 6c. So I flopped the nuts with an open ended straight flush re-draw. Now all I have to do is figure out how to get owned silly. Ooh, I know, how about get all-in with TT. Yup, that'll do it. Turn 4s, river 4d. Yuck.

And there we have it. I hope you enjoyed this installment. I've gotten a few good comments about these so I might as well keep posting until I get sick of it. I do have an entry to write up submitted by RGP's own Diputsur, and he only sent that to me like 2 years ago, so I'm close to starting to write that up. I also have probably 2 entries worth of random donk chat, so I'll get to those. In the meantime I'll keep at these. Until next time!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

xaqmorphy@donkeymanifesto.com

Confessions of a Rush Poker Donk - 8/16/10

Hello Manifestites! I received some positive feedback last time, so I'll continue what I've titled my notepad doc the ever so descriptive "big hands" posts. I figure I'll write up 10-15 from each, then pick the best 5 or so and post them here. As expected, I had a few big pair vs. big pair hands, some that went my way, others that didn't. Overall I don't think these are entirely too exciting, but who knows, maybe I'll impress you with my awesome (or completely moronic) play. Note that these hands aren't the biggest money winners or losers. These are merely the ones that I picked from my biggest winners or losers. Some of them might be much less than others just because of how funny they are (to me). Also note that they aren't in any sort of order. I think I'll post most of them in the order they actually happened, since that's the order I wrote them down in, and arranging them into something meaningful takes time, and we surely can't have that now, can we?

Neck-wise, things are still progressing nicely. I started work back at the office today and while it was pretty brutal pain-wise, I made it through the day and got home intact. Physical therapy started last week and I'm doing range of motion exercises first before strengthening. I still have a ways to go before I'm considered really fully healed, and I'm limited to lifting a max of 10lbs for at least another month and a half, but I'm able to do nearly everything my job requires and can do most of the things in my day to day life.

Enough with the chit-chat, on with the hands!

Top 5 from the money winners:

1) +$52.50 - moron UTG gobbles, I call with 33. Note that I don't have any previous notes on this guy, so my determining factor that he's a moron is 1) he's playing poker, and 2) he gobbles UTG. Flop 386, and bingo bango bongo, I do a little jig. He bets $2.75, and I have the perfect flop to just call on, so I call. Granted, overpairs are never going away, but big cards rarely call a raise here. With position I'm happy to let him fire the turn. Turn Ks, and I think that's a pretty good card for me. He bets $6, I raise to $30, he calls. River 4s and he checks to me. I figure the game's up here, but I move in for $31 and he calls, mucking AA.

2) +$17.60 - this one is fun. Folds to button who raises to $1.50. I call on the SB with cards to be revealed later. Try to figure out what I have here as you read. Flop Jc 2d 3c, and I think this is a flop that's going to miss his 2 random bullshit cards that he raises the flop with, so I bet $2.50, but he calls. Turn 8c, so I check, he bets $5.50, I raise to $15, and he calls. WTF? River 5s adn I move in for $27. He somehow folds, and I take the pot with the monster that is 9h7h. Stupid bastard.

3) +$39.40 - very basic coinflip. I raise UTG with QQ, get 1 caller, and guy behind re-raises to $7.75 with a $39.90 stack. I hate calling here and folding if an overcard hits, so it's either shove or fold time. I look to the second hand on my watch, per Harrington's standard randomizer suggestion, and realize that not only am I not wearing a watch, I don't even own a watch, nor have I since those little plastic watches we used to have in grade school. Remember those things? Those were kinda cool. Well, if you were 10 years old I guess they were cool. By this time I forgot what I was doing, but got the time warning, so I moved in. Good enough randomizer I guess. He called with AK, board 8T8T5 and I win a flip. I guess it's a good thing I didn't reminisce about the time we duct taped some poor freshman to the wall 2 ft. off the ground, otherwise I might have folded.

4) +$23.25 - QQ again. Some moron maggot gobbling fuck gobbles my raise with 88 and calls off his stack when I shove. I love maggots.

5) +$36.80 - UTG+1 raises, I call on the button with Th9h. Flop 3h Jd Ts and he bets $2. These bets are usually totally weakness, so I raise to $5.50, but he calls. Turn 7h and now I have so many outs there's now way I can hit one, right? He checks, I bet $8, he calls. River Kh, I shove, and he calls me with AhKd. Splendid flop and turn play sir, and thanks for the stack.

Bonus coverage!

6) +$45.30 - I raise UTG+1 with 99, folds to a guy named "IFoldNuts4U" on the button who raises to $6.50. Eh, sure buddy, I call. Flop 953 all diamonds. He bet a lot on the flop so I just check shove the ever lovin shit out of him. He calls with QQ with a diamond, I boat up on the turn and dodge the 2 outer and, well, bust his ass. He didn't have the nuts which is why he didn't fold. That's a pretty stupid strategy imo.

Even more bonus coverage!

7) +$82.35 - raise to 99 cause apparently it's a fuckin goldmine today, 1 caller. Flop A49 2 spades. I bet $4, guy calls. I figure he can have an A, set or flush draw here. Turn 5c. I check, cause I think he bets a lot of his hands. He bets $5.50, I raise the shit out of him to $25, and he calls. River Tc, which doesn't make any draws. I can't really check here cause I don't think he bluffs the river with a missed draw. I raised on the turn big enough so that I could shove the river if he called, so I shoved. This moron called with AQh. Yeah, cause sometimes I have AJ there. Ok sir, thanks!

I don't get what's going on here, but we have yet another hand:

8) +$59.80 - raise with 33, get re-raised, get 2 calls behind, so I call. Flop 543 and I do what everyone who flops a set does, I check to the raiser. He bets $25, and I decide just to call, hoping the guy behind me goes wild, but he doesn't. In retrospect I should just shove here, since calling looks much stronger than shoving, and I only have $22 behind. Turn 7, and I check call the rest, and TT plays it like the nuts. I could see if he had something like KK, cause I can never fold it, but TT on that board seems like he should just use the transfer function instead of playing and save on the rake.

That's it for be playing like a genius and winning all the monies. Let's turn the tables, shall we? Here's the top losses since last time:

1) -$64.80 - UTG limps, I raise with KK, both blinds call, UTG calls. Flop KT9, checks to me, I bet, blinds folds, UTG calls. Turn 7, UTG bets $5, I raise to $20, he moves in, obv has QJ. I curse KK once again. At some point in my poker life I'm going to just fold KK. Until then, I'll at least have material for this section, if anything.

2) -$39.70 - someone in EP limps, button raises to $3, I call on BB with 66, UTG calls. Flop T63 2 hearts, checks to button who bets $6. I decide to call hoping UTG does something. I mean, something other than folding, which he did. Turn K, and now I'm thinking with the big raise pre, I could very well be up against KK. At this point, he either has KK or I'm way, way ahead, with a small possibility of him having TT. I check, he bets $10.50, and I don't want to scare off something like JJ, so I just call. My plan is to play this like a missed flush draw, assuming no heart on the river. River is an offsuit 7, I shove, this fucker has 8s9s! Oops.

3) -$47.95 - I limp after 2 limpers with 5d7d. Someone behind raises, 2 calls to me, so I call last to act. Flop Js 6s 4d. It checks past the original raiser, and the other guy bets $6.50, folds to me and I call. Turn Kd, and I really don't know what to do here. Open ended straight draw, 7 high flush draw. WTF. I check, he bets $14.50 with $24 left, and I have him covered. I decide I don't want to call and see the offsuit 2 on the river, so fuck it, I shove. Right into QdTd. At least I made my flush on the river...

4) -$19.20 - UTG+2 raises, I call with JJ. I'm 50/50 calling vs. re-raising here against a normal opponent, but this guy only has $19.20, (weird coincidence to how much I lost in this hand, eh?), so I just call. Flop is 8JK, and we both start digging our holes. As I'm running back with my first armful of branches and twigs, the turn is the 7s. . He bets $3, I raise to $9 purely for value, he shoves with KK. Trapped again!

5) -$20.85 - cutoff raises, I call on the button with 5s4s, both blinds call. Flop T44 and it checks to me. Well wtf, now what do I do? I know, I'll overbet the pot to make it look like I have a T. I bet $10, SB calls, rest fold. Fucker has $9.10 left, and called $10. This is either some retarded shit like 66, or he has me owned. Turn A, and naturally he checks to me, so now I'm sure I'm owned, so what do I do? Bet him all-in. Actually I bet $9 and made him put the last 10c in to see if he was serious. His hand? J4. Suited, naturally.

There's bonus coverage here too...you guys don't just get a bonus when I'm a genius, you get the other side too!

6) -$61.50 - 3 limpers to my BB and I have AA. I know these idiots call anything, so I raise to $4. Button calls and so does the SB. What the hell?. Flop 852 rainbow. I bet $10, button calls, SB folds. At this point I don't know what to do, cause they play TT-KK this way, and they even play A8 cause it's suited this way. Turn 9s. I figure fuck it, I can't fold so I'm just getting it in. He has 55. My motto for Rush poker is flop a set, stack a donk. Apparently this guy has the same motto. Or at least now he does.

7) -$51.60 - I raise with my friend, goddamn motherfucking bitch ass KK, one behind calls. Flop 492 2 diamonds, I bet $3, get raised to $7. At this point he has such a wide range, playing KK can turn into a self head-shot. I re-raised to $13 figuring I'd fold if he pushed (which in reality means I call). He calls. Looks like a flush draw to me. Turn 4s, pot is almost the same size as what he has left, I convince myself that he plays A9 and TT-AA like this as well as sets, so I shove into 99. Bleh.

3 more in the file, guess how many more you guys are gonna get?

8) -$40.25 - Riase with AA and the button calls. Flop 847 2 diamonds. I bet $3 and get raised to $6.50. I channel my inner dumbass and call, figuring he already has a set and I can keep the pot small if I just call, and that if he is drawing I'll let him draw for free. I honestly don't know, but the HH says I called, so we'll go with that. Turn 7, and I check, he bets $7, I say that's funny, that's what I'd bet if I had a 7, and I call. River 2 and I check again. He bets $25 and I pay off the monster that is K7. On the other hand, if I shove the flop he puts me on AK and I bust. This way I saved $7 something. Where's my vicodin?

Oh btw, if you guessed 3 above, you were wrong. Thanks for playing tho.

9) -$29.10 - This ended up being my last hand of the night for this day. I mean, as soon as I saw the hole cards I checked the sit out next hand box, but based on what happened and some fo the previous hands (which you've no doubt read about), I just gave up for the night. I raise the button with 67h, SB re-raises. Basically everyone in rush raises the button when it folds to them, and a good 25% of those are re-raised by the blinds because they realize that 100% of the buttons raise. So I call with position. Flop is 5h 4d 4h, so I've flopped a pretty damn huge draw, and in reality I have 7 high. But, BSOD has taken over, so when he bets I just shove. He takes a while, but calls with 99, which was interesting. Turn 5, river 4 and I have a full boat house! Unfortunately his full house boat beats my full boat house, so he wins.

That's it for now, kids. I hope you enjoyed this, but don't expect all this bonus coverage all the time. Actually maybe you will, cause I've had some big swings since these hands (last hand was 8/11), both up and down.

Anyone interested in a story from RGP's very own Diputsur when he tried to take on Absolute Poker's online chat support? I have that in the works. Until next time!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Confessions of a Rush Poker Donk

Hello Manifestites! It is I, your fearless donk of a leader. I have something new for you today. First, some personal stuff... As you may know, on July 21st I had another major neck surgery. Last time I had this surgery, back in 2005, it was a grueling 2 month recovery. This time I was off of work for 8 days, and started working from home this week. I should be back in the office in another week or so. If anyone is interested in an x-ray shot (closest thing to a nude XaQ Morphy shot you'll ever get, sorry ladies!), here you go:

http://www.xaqmorphy.com/2010neck.jpg

Yesterday the doctor cleared me to drive "when I feel ready." I figured this was a perfect chance to take a small trip to the nearest Walgreens, which is 8 blocks away. Yeah, we'll just say I'm not ready to drive yet. Fortunately I went there to pick up more pain pills, and the worst of it was when I was backing into the garage. This really sucks because I just bought a new Mazda Speed3 2 weeks before surgery and I'm itching to drive it again. It's a monster of a car, and I really love it.

Anyway, let's get on with it, shall we? Back in January, FullTilt poker introduced Rush Poker, which is a brand new format for online poker, never seen before. Basically it's a pool of players who play on the same tables, and as soon as you fold your hand, you are immediately moved to another table, where another hand starts right away. I'll let you use your googling skills if you are interested, but basically it allows for 300-400 hands per hour per table, and is great for rakeback and bonus whoring. I admit, I'm completely addicted to rush poker. The mad clicking, the breaking down of hands into poker at its most basic form, the madness, etc. It's great. The only thing I miss from a normal game is the lack of chat, because you're only on the table with the same people for one hand, and after that the table changes.

Getting more to the point here, I had an unusual session recently where in the span of 700 hands (1 hour) of no limit hold'em, I had AA 9 times, AK 11 times, AQ 13 times, KK 5 times and QQ twice. Naturally I lost almost $90. When I told a friend about it, he asked me if those hands were the cause of the loss or if there were others. I decided to write up the top 10 losing hands, and had a good laugh at some of the stupid ridiculous things I did. So, I decided to write up some more and post them here, hopefully for your enjoyment, but if not, at least for mine.

As I really started playing again a few months ago, I'm stuck playing low limits, so the game is 9 handed NLHE, blinds 25c/50c, with a $50 max buyin. I've done very well in this game, turning a starting deposit of $200 into several thousand. I plan on moving up within a few months, assuming things go well. That said, here's the top 5 money winners and money losers over the last few days. My plan is to write up the top 5 for both each day, and then every few days/weeks/months/years, post the highlight reel here, since a lot of the hands will be boring such as AA vs. KK all-in preflop. I've had some real doozies for winners in the past, but if I went searching for them this blog entry would turn into an all-night activity, so I'm just going to go the last 2-3 days. I promise there will be some good ones in the future.

Note that the amount is either a + or -, and is the total amount won or lost in the hand, and not the size of the pot. An astute reader would then figure out that if I won $40, the pot was probably $80.

We'll start with the money winners, top 5:

1) +$52.90 - I raised with 99 and the BB called. Flop was T87 rainbow, so I flopped an open ended straight draw. He checked, I bet $3.50 which is my standard continuation bet size with or without a hand, and he raised to $8. This raise serves no purpose at all, since I'm not folding any draws, so I decided to call. AT/KT is well within his range here, so I don't want to go nuts just yet. Turn was an offsuit 6, BOOM. He bet $10, I didn't see him folding, so I moved in and he beat me into the pot with QQ. I don't know wtf he thought I had, or if he even thought about it at all, but the river was another T and I busted his ass good.

2) +$52 - Someone raised, I called with 66, the BB re-raised to $5, the original raiser folded, and it's on me. I'll call this every time as long as the raiser has maybe 75BB in his stack or more. He had over 100BBs, so I called. Flop was JQ6 with 2 spades. Boom, star spangled banner went off in my head, along with showtunes. I was very careful not to give off any tells though. He checked, which is what these guys will do with a lot of hands, and I don't make it a habit of folding sets, so I bet $8. He insta re-raised to $36.75, I moved in, and he called with the best re-raising hand from the BB possible, which is the monster that is 74 suited. I somehow dodged a spade and busted his ass too. These morons.

3) +$46.50 - folded to me in the SB, I completed with 5d7d. Flop was 9d 5c Jd. My eyes immediately glaze over, and I bet the pot. The BB raised to $2.50, I re-raised to $13. I know Doyle Brunson says don't go broke in an unraised pot, but I can bet you Doyle didn't have full on BSOD (that's bright shiny object disorder) after flopping a pair and a flush draw when he said that. I did, so when my opponent raised to $40, I shoved for $9 more, he called with the monster that is J6o. I somehow rivered a diamond and put a nice note on him.

4) +$24.65 - I got all-in preflop with AK vs. a shorty's JJ, board ran 32T45, and I now have a documented case of me winning a race.

5) +$22.50 - I raised with JJ, about 13 people called including a short stack, some other idiot re-raised, I only had about $35 in my stack cause I don't have auto top-off on and I was being stubborn, so I just moved in. The shorty called with the monster drool-inducing hand that is AJo, the rest folded. The board ran 34J2, and I somehow dodged the 5 on the river to bust him.

Bonus hand!) +$10.65 - this one isn't a big winner, but was pretty amusing to me. The same K8 moron that you'll read about in the losing hands section was again at my table. He raised, I called with 33. Flop was 675 and he bet $1. This bet tilts the hell out of me, so I'm going to either raise or call here. I think I'm good, and don't want to raise, have him call with KJo cause he has overcards and see a J on the turn, so I call. Turn is a 4, and now I know I'm good. He bets $1 again. This line is a standard one for retards everywhere. I raised to $7 and he called. Uhh, ok. River was a 9, no flush possible, and he fuckin bets $1 again. I figured ok, fuck you pal, and moved in for $44. He thought for a while, but eventually folded. Want to get a note on you that you're a moron? Bet $1 on every street. That'll do it.

Now we have the top 5 money losers. Warning, some of these are not for the faint of heart, but I can say for sure that they belong on this blog:

1) -$30.60 - raise with AA, world calls. Flop K98, get all-in with the $1 betting genius from above who has K8. You know, cause it was suited.

2) -$22.60 - Some fuckin moron gobbles. This of course sets me on life tilt. I have QQ and raise to $4.50, and he calls. Flop 37J with 2 spades, he checks, I bet $8, he shoves his last $18 in and somehow I'm drawing dead to his red 44. These fucking gobbling maggots can all go fuck off.

3) -$22 - raise with TT, both blinds call, flop 456 2 hearts, SB leads, I raise, he calls, turn 8, check/check, river 2, he pots it, I'm bad. He had A7o.

4) LOL -$19.75, all I see in the summary of my tracking software is that I had 65s, flop K7T rainbow. I'm afraid to look at the HH to see wtf I did.

5) -$17.75 - 44 somehow lost all that on a 2337T board. I wonder who played this session anyway?

No bonus hand for this section, sorry.

So what do you think? Interested in reading these? Not interested? Would rather see my head on a pike? Still starting at my x-ray picture wondering wtf that all is? Well, I rather enjoyed writing these up, and laughing at myself, and in the end, that's the whole reason this blog is here, for amusement, so I'm going to keep this practice up until I'm completely bored with it. That may be tomorrow, that may be 3 years from now, who knows. Until next time!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Unlimited Text and Donking Plan!

Helllllloooooooooo Manifestites! I'm alive, really I am! I've done some thinking over the last few months and was trying to think about how I had so many different ideas for blog entries over the years, and yet nothing is really coming to me now. I don't think it's as much lack of ideas as it is lack of motivation, and other things getting in the way. I've saved up probably 2 entries worth of poker table chat that's pretty good, and have a few other ideas, but I just haven't taken the time to sit down and write them up.

Another thing came to mind. I first started the blog in mid 2005 when I was on a lot of pain killers in preparation for neck surgery. Due to the neck and subsequent arm problems I wasn't able to play bass at all for about 2 years, and now I'm in a band that's doing pretty well in the Milwaukee area. So here's the strange thing, I'm back on the pain killers again, and have another surgery scheduled for Wednesday the 21st. Now the disc below the one I had removed in 2005 is acting up and I'm going to have yet another fusion done. I'm hoping this means I'll have a rush of interest to post blog entries, but not to get your hopes up, cause there's just as good of a chance that I'll just forget about it even more.

This time around the problems have been really annoying. Numbness and tingling in my arm and hand, pain in my neck and shoulder, blah blah blah, you guys don't need to hear about that. They did try a myriad of nerve drugs on me though. The worst was this shit called Topamax. It was originally created for migraines, but also was found to work with some neck/back problems. Since my neck problems were causing migraines it seemed like a slam dunk. However, the list of side effects is almost as long as the list of excuses DaVoice has come up with as to why it's taken almost 2 years to pay off a $84 debt between what used to be friends. That's another story altogether, and one that probably won't make a blog entry, even though it might have been my best troll ever, next to the EYE(tm) troll (starts here). Anyway, the list of side effects was ridiculous, loss of appetite, sleeplessness, drowsiness, dizziness, memory loss, nausea, oh yeah, and "numbess and tingling". So I start taking it for 3 days and all of a sudden my hands are both numb, I can't think straight, I'm tired all the time but can't fall asleep at night, and I can barely remember things that I was just working on minutes before. Oh yeah, and my appetite went nuts. I have a very high metabolism and big appetite as it is, but this was just insane. I wanted to eat every hour. My only guess is that the memory loss thing kicked in and I forgot I was full, so I just ate again. Who knows.

Anyway, so while I'm dealing with all this, life is going on around me, and I haven't just stopped to write up some blog entries for my faithful readers. Well, today has been a special day, and the blog entry just fell out of the sky.

For starters, we have one of those cheap $100 blue plastic pools in the back yard. It's 12 feet wide and just under 3 feet deep. The kit came with a cover and a small filter. Last night we came home and the cover was cut in half and on the ground, all the kids' pool toys were on the ground, and half the water was gone. Yet, none of the grass around the pool was wet. At all. I'm currently working on the theory that we were visited by a very hungry T-Rex, but I didn't see any footprints, so I can't be sure.

Next, my wife wakes me up this morning going crazy saying a fish jumped out of the tank. I have a 125 gallon African Cichlid tank, and the biggest fish who was maybe 5" long managed to jump through an area 2" big and landed on the floor behind the tank. I scooped him up and put him back in the tank and went back to bed. Later in the day when I went to feed them I noticed he was gone. I looked behind the tank and there he was, all dried up and croaked. What a dumbass. I mean, I knew fish were dumb to begin with, but how dumb does something have to be to realize that the floor, which has no water on it, is not a place for something that requires water to live. He would have been a great addition to RGP, but alas, he's on his way to being a great addition to a landfill somewhere.

So finally, to end my day, I get a text message. Now, I used to get phone calls all the time for wrong numbers on my cell. I think I even wrote about it at one point on the blog, let's see....oh yeah, here it is. I've had the same cell number for a good 10 years now, but it seems every month or so I'm getting a call for someone looking for Laqueesha, or Vaneesha, or something that I swear sounded like Marknala. I usually just mumble something about not having any drugs and hang up, but sometimes they just don't stop.

I've also had a few text messages over the years. I don't really like texting. Saying I hate it is being a bit harsh, but it's generally something I don't care for. I type pretty fast, close to 100wpm, and I text at almost 100wpm less than that. At least now I have a phone with a touch screen and a full keyboard on it, so I can type at 15wpm or so. I hate the standard texting language where every other word is a single letter. I swear at some point in our lives some idiot is DC is gonna spill coffee on the Declaration of Independence and they'll just have someone write up a text version of it which will be 2 lines, each word as 1 letter. Ok I'm rambling, and to think, I only had the Topamax for 2 weeks and that was back in April. So where were we? Oh yeah, text messages from strangers. I usually just ignore them, but tonight was something different. So, I get a text, and it reads:

"hey why u mad at me?"

Now like I said, normally I just ignore them and go on. But I figured, hey, I'm not paying way too much money for a texting plan I rarely use for nothing, so let's see where this goes.

me: "u know y"

It's simple really. Obviously I have no clue wtf this idiot is talking about, so he must know.

him: "No u know you're my baby. No matter what happens!!!"

me: "not after what u did I'm not"

He sounded guilty, so I went with it. At this point I'm not sure if it's a he or she, so I'm not tipping my hat quite yet.

him: "wat did i do?"

me: "u know"

I figure I can play this game all night, or at least until I get bored with it.

him: "I don't know. Tell me"

me: "Why should I? your the one who did it"

him: "Wat have I done to u? Come on now you know me and I would never do anything to hurt u"

So at this point I have to step it up a bit. This guy (assuming it's a guy) is getting annoying. He's way too well spoken to be a standard moron, right? Notice the use of "your" on my part. That cracks me up, and yes, it was intentional. Then again, if you didn't realize that, please send me your cell number and I'll text you. Ok right, back on track here. Time to take this to the next level.

me: "I know u were with someone else so u can stop the act."

him "Who was I with Nesha?"

I didn't know if he missed a comma, and meant "Who was I with Nesha" as if he was texting to Nesha (that would be me), or if he meant "Who was I with, Nesha?" as if he was asking if he was with Nesha." Only obvious reply:

me: "WHO IS NESHA??????"

him: "That's wat I call u for short"

So this guy is so stupid he has to explain to me, err, Nesha, what his nickname for her is? This is gonna be fun...

me: "Is that why u were with her cuz I'm short???"

him: "Bae u not making any sense what are u talking about?"

me: "U know what I'm talkin about!!!"

And we've come full circle! Round 2, coming up!

him: "No I don't bae. Would u please tell me so I can clear the air cause you been mad at me this whole time for nothing"

me: "I cant belive u. U think i am stupid dont u?"

him: "Not at all but I think you're mad at me for nothing"

me: "my feelings are nothing now???"

At this point he's actually confusing me now, cause I have no clue what he's on about. Apparently he made Nesha mad and is now trying to make up, or something. Oh well, he gets a bit into it here:

him (over 3 messages): "Of course u know u mean the world to me and u know that. Why u treating me like a different person now. U just stop talking to me right after u found out /// That's why I been needing to talk to u but I've been so busy studying for the test /// your bf or ex br called me"

That was a lot to try to figure out. Her boyfriend or ex brother called him, that's what I was able to decipher from that. Oh, and she stopped talking to him right after she found out. Found out what? Well, we'll just have to improvise here.

me: "Thats right after I found out. What do u expect me to do?"

I missed a comma there, so that makes no sense. Then again, it's funnier this way I think.

him: "And what did u find out?"

him: "Let me guess another rumor that u thought was true?...Nesha if u think something u need to call me or text me all this time we haven't talked for what??"

I find that last part extremely funny. Here's some dumbass trying to make up with what I assume is his girlfriend, and he's doing it over text messages. He won't just pick up the damn phone and call her, instead he just lets it go around and around. Or I do, or something.

me: "I saw u with her!!!"

him: "Seen me with who Nesha?"

That's a damn good question, really. Let's see, he did say something about "finding out", so well, let's just make up something here.

him: "Just because u think something without even talking to me. Do u think that's fair?"

me: "U must think I'm dumb. First u tell me your gay then I see u kissing some skank"

LOL, I can't help myself. This should be funny.

him: "I told u what??!!!... who did I kiss??"

me: "U mean u arent gay?"

him: "Is this a joke?... what are u talking about?"

me: "Wait who is this?"

him: "This is Marlon dork!!!"

me: "I dont know anyone named Marlon dork. I think u got the wrong number."

I was hoping to take it and just have fun from here for a while, but he gave up texting. The phone rang about 5 mins later, from a "Restricted" number, but I let it go to voicemail. I might have answered it, but as I was relaying this conversation to a friend, he was telling me how he got this crazy voicemail at 2:30am the other day from some guy yelling and screaming thinking he called a girl who stood him up. Yeah buddy, gave you the wrong phone number too! But sigh, Marlon didn't leave a message. He must have actually figured it out.

I hope this post finds you well my donk loving friends. Until next time!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy