Happy Year of the Donk!

Hello Manifestites and Happy New Year! Yes here we are in 2009, which is known in some distant civilizations as the Year of the Donk. If we aren't all wiped off the face of the earth by some global-warming-triggered event, kill each other over table scraps due to the recession/depression, or are smashed into oblivion by a comet or asteroid, we should have a pretty good year ahead of us. In fact, the Year of the Donk may just turn out to be just that. Pull up a chair and see if you agree based on three tales of donk induced donkocity:

Garbage Pickers - I never understood why so many people seem to be driving around all day long just to pick up someone else's garbage. I'm not talking about your every day rummage sales and getting rid of unwanted crap for a quarter. I'm talking about actual garbage that is put into an actual garbage collection location for the purpose of disposal. As some of you know, we were greeted by a nice 3 inches of water in our basement last weekend due to a backed up storm drain. One room of the basement was semi-finished, and we have a lot of stuff down there, so that meant a fun week of removing everything from the room, bleach cleaning the floor, and either cleaning up things we want to keep or throwing them out. This brings a new meaning to "throw out the crap you don't want", and I'll leave it at that.

Among the things we tossed out were a big computer box full of misc. computer parts, electronics, books, gaming hardware and other junk. This was set aside for a rummage sale that never happened, and was just sitting in the basement taking up space. Entire bottom covered with water...dump the whole damn box. I put it outside next to the garbage bins, the box was ruined and soaking wet, and everything inside was soaked. I had a few gig bags for my basses that were ruined, a cheap old bass that I haven't played that I never even bothered to open up the bag and check (although I'm sure it was ruined - water everywhere, inside the pickups, battery compartment, everything), and a 20 year old hard case that was soaked on the inside, so I just got rid of it all. Yet, within 1 day of putting this outside in the garbage collection area, someone came by and took all of it. I suppose they didn't care that they were picking up stuff covered in well, sewer water, and I suppose they don't care that half the shit probably didn't work, nor did they even stop to think why all this "great stuff" was sitting out, soaking wet, in 15 degree weather. I can just imagine the conversation now:

Idiot: look honey, I got me a new geetar!
Idiot's honey: uhh, what's that god awful smell?
Idiot: duhhh, well, I didn't shit myself today (yet), so I dunno, did you let one loose?? hahrhahrhrhrharhahrhar, burp!

And so on. It hurts to channel the mind of the stupid, so I'll try not to do that anymore.

They Took Your What??? - We live on the southwest side of Milwaukee in a semi-quiet neighborhood on a somewhat busy street. We've never had crime problems in the neighborhood, people can walk around at night without issues, and with the exception of the semi-busy street it's just a quiet average middle class neighborhood. There are a lot of city workers in the area, cops, teachers, city workers, etc. because in order to work for the city they have to live in the city, and this is one of the better areas to live in. So, when something bad happens, it's a pretty big deal. We have an alley, and some people also have parking slabs next to their garages. My next door neighbors have 3 cars and a 2 car garage, so they park one on the slab. Well, the other morning my neighbor Greg woke up to find his 2 front wheels missing, and another car down the alley had 1 wheel missing as well. Uhh wtf? OK so maybe I'm just not into the whole crime spree crackhead homeless loser lifestyle where stealing wheels off of people's cars in a neighborhood filled with cops is considered something fun to do. Maybe I've never had it so bad that the first thing I think of when I need some extra money for my crack habit is to go steal someone's wheels off of their cars. But what the hell is going on here, who is going to walk around stealing wheels off of cars? We're not talking great cars either...a 10 year old Altima wagon, and an old Chevy Celebrity or some piece of shit like that. Did one of these losers buy a car with only one wheel? This is amazing to me at least...


Sorry, Umm, Wrong Number - and finally, it's not like I enjoy taking advantage of stupid people, but ok what the hell, I enjoy manipulating stupid people for my own enjoyment. The other day after I got home from work my wife was looking at her phone and didn't look very happy. I asked her what was wrong and she said some guy kept calling her and was leaving weird messages. Sure enough, right as she was telling me about this her phone rang. It showed up as a private number, so she ignored it and it went to voicemail. I listened to it, and well, it was something alright. Imagine a 2 minute long message from a guy with a german/mexican/indian accent using the word "baby" every other word and talking about wanting a dick up his ass. He then ended the message with "I'll call you back in 10 minutes baby" and hung up. While listening to this voicemail another call came in which I ignored, and that went to voicemail with 3 more minutes of the same nonsense. He said at the end of that message that he'd call back in 15 minutes. I hung up and said uhh, ok then, and just then the phone rang. I did my best imitation of umm, someone with a high pitched voice with a fake british accent and answered the phone: "HELLO?!?!?" [click]

Here's where it gets interesting. 30 seconds later MY phone rang, and I didn't get to it in time, but noticed it was the same thing: private number. It was becoming clear now that this moron was given a fake number, probably drooled on the last few digits and was trying every single number in order. My wife's number ends in 35, mine ends in 36, other digits are the same. I feel sorry for the first 34, and what was likely the next 60+ until the idiot's battery probably ran out. Oh but yes, RING, and there goes my phone again. Time to put an end to this:

Me (in best sounding pissed off gruff voice): HELLO.
Donk: HI!
Me: Is this the faggot that keeps calling here and leaving gay ass voicemails on my wife's phone?
Donk: Yes!
Me: [blink blink wtf?!?!?]
Donk: mumbles something
Me: What the fuck is your issue, are you trying to go to jail tonight?
Donk: I'm looking for Maria, she gave me this number
Me: I can assure you that no one named Maria gave you this number, now what the fuck is your problem you stupid fuck?
Donk: no no no no no...
Me: [cutting him off] yes yes yes yes yes listen you moron, you called my wife's number about 10 times and now you're on mine, what the fuck is your fucking problem anyway?
Donk: mumbles something
Me: Ok well keep talking please because all I need to do is either have you call either of our numbers again, or keep you on the line for another 10 seconds and the cops should be at your house within 5 minutes, so...
Donk: [click]

That's one way to take care of it at least. God I hate stupid people. Anyway, I have another story from the place I recently left that should be amusing. I'll try to get that written up in the next, umm, well, in 2009, how's that? Until next time!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy