Awesome-Bike-Riding-Lithuanian-Gullible-Kangaroo Donks, Foshizzle

Hello Manifestites! It's that time again, to revisit something we haven't seen in a while...donks! Err, umm, nevermind. I guess we've been there before. However, we are going back to the poker tables. That's something we haven't seen! Uhh. Right. Ok then, what the hell, how about some chat at a poker table!

A large online poker site has what are called bounty tournaments. These have a standard buyin and rake, but also an additional amount that is paid out as people are busted out, paid in full to their bustee. Or is that the buster? Ahh hell, who knows. This was a low buyin tournament that in addition to the standard prize money, pays a dollar for every person you bust out.

People who know me know that I like to joke around and have fun. I love acting like a total retard (edit: acting? you be the judge) at the tables, and watching all the gullible morons flock to try and show me how wrong I am. Favorites are asking if aces are high or lo, or asking why I'm getting 4 cards dealt to me then pretending I've never heard of Omaha. So the tournament hits the phase where antes are taken out in addition to blinds, and I start right in:

DOKTER DONKEY posts ante (25).
DOKTER DONKEY says "WTF SOMEOEN TOOK MY CHIPS".
DOKTER DONKEY says "DID YOU SEE THAT?".
DOKTER DONKEY says "DID ANYONE ELSE JUST LOSE 25 CHIPS?".
limmy80286 says "lol what".
DOKTER DONKEY says "WTF?".
piscato77 says "lol".
limmy80286 says "ante".
DOKTER DONKEY says "HUH?".
limmy80286 says "ante''".
limmy80286 says "lol its the poker faries".
piscato77 says "u r supposed to act like u been here b4".
DOKTER DONKEY says "YEAH I SAW YOU SAID THAT, WTF DOES ANTE MEAN?".
limmy80286 says "lol".

Aha, the game is afoot! Let's see how far I can drag them in...

DOKTER DONKEY says "FUKKKKKKKKKKKK".
DOKTER DONKEY says "THERE IT IS AGAIN".
limmy80286 says "lol".
limmy80286 says "lol".
limmy80286 says "lol".
limmy80286 says "lol".
limmy80286 says "lol".
limmy80286 says "lol".
DOKTER DONKEY says "ITS NOT FUNNY SOME FUKKER IS TAKING MY CHIPS!!!".
limmy80286 says "its me".
damondangle says "i am taking 25 when this hands over".
DOKTER DONKEY says "YOU GUYS CHEAT IM REPORTING U".
hellmuthjr99 (obs) says "wow".
hellmuthjr99 (obs) says "LOL".
limmy80286 says "i am the chip banndethear to take your chips jest your dox".
Haru24 says "lol antes".

Wow. We have a genius at the table. Allow me to translate Limmy's last line: "I am the chip bandit here to take your chips... [drool] uhhh, huh huh huh". Yeah I don't have a clue either.

damondangle says "there in the center of the table man ".
DOKTER DONKEY says "OH".
limmy80286 says "lol nob".
DOKTER DONKEY says "WHY CANT I CLICK ON THEM?".
limmy80286 says "noob".
limmy80286 says "have u ever played online poker".
DOKTER DONKEY says "THIS IS POKER!?!??!?!?".
damondangle says "y you want to click on them??????/".
DOKTER DONKEY says "ISNT THAT HOW I DOUBLE DOWN?".
limmy80286 says "sir you shrade has worked i have not laughed so hard in a long
DOKTER DONKEY says "SHRADE?".
DOKTER DONKEY says "IS THAT ONE OF THOSE LAMPSHADE THINGS THAT DOGS WEAR?".
limmy80286 says "lol yes it is".
MathProf (obs) says "probably played better thinking it was blackjack".
DOKTER DONKEY says "IT TOOK ME 25 MINS TO REALIZE THAT BJ MEANT BLACKJACK".
DOKTER DONKEY says "YOU CAN IMAGINE MY DISAPPOINTMENT".

Ahh, I love the smell of bacon. And microwave popcorn. Not sure what that has to do with this, but since it's my damn blog, I'll write whatever the hell I want to. If you don't like it, go make me some damn bacon. Thanks. Those of you with no sense of humor who don't find this funny, go make some popcorn. But don't burn it. The worst smell ever, err, let me clarify...the worst popcorn-related smell ever is when some dumb motherfucker burns microwave popcorn. The instructions clearly state things like "do not leave microwave unattended while cooking" and "listen to the pops carefully and remove when they slow down to 1 every few seconds" and things like that. Yet, every goddamn day some goddamn moron puts the bag in the microwave, sets it for 37 minutes, and wanders off to take a call on their cell phones. Morons. Off with their heads.

So after that the chat slowed down quite a bit. I was watching the typical moronic play that makes up a typical online tournament. Then an idea came to mind. For you nits out there, I misspelled the obvious word in the following chat on purpose. Speaking of nits, notice how they jumped all over me for it. Oh yeah, and if you haven't figured it out already, typing in all caps makes things look funny.

JoeyAusome says "noo".
DOKTER DONKEY says "HEY DUMBASS, YOU SPELLED AWSOME WRONG".
natelukas (obs) says "haha he is ausy u idiot donkey".
hellmuthjr99 (obs) says "lol".
hellmuthjr99 (obs) says "Awsome?".
hellmuthjr99 (obs) says "how bout awesome".
DOKTER DONKEY says "STAY OUT OF THIS PHIL".
DOKTER DONKEY says "NO ONE ASKED YOU".
hellmuthjr99 (obs) says "o.k. see ya ante boy".
JoeyAusome says "haha".
natelukas (obs) says "he is a donkey so is hellmuth".

Some of you know that I have various friends in the poker community. What most of you don't know is that one of my friends is a famous TV pro. He found me through the Manifesto shortly after I started it and we've been friends ever since. Well, he happened to be railing me in this tournament, and decided to jump into the fray here on the rail. Note that I purposely masked his handle on the site. In fact, I changed it to the handle of a well-known retard. Or wait, maybe it is the same? I'll let you figure it out.

BaronPro (obs) says "hi joey".
BaronPro (obs) says "big fan of yours".
JoeyAusome says "hey BaronPro (OBS)".
JoeyAusome says "thanks man, keep trying hard in life".
BaronPro (obs) says "gonna try my best pal, inspirations like you keep me going".
JoeyAusome says "you know, thats why i do what i do, for the fans".
BaronPro (obs) says "and the fans reward you with their loyalty and adoration".
JoeyAusome says "i got to give thanks to fans like you".
BaronPro (obs) says "no no, we thank you for being AUSome".
natelukas (obs) says "damon loves the **** just like phil and dokter douchedonke
BaronPro (obs) says "nate".
JoeyAusome says "cut it out nate".
natelukas (obs) says "pro".
BaronPro (obs) says "show some respect nate".
BaronPro (obs) says "like our hero Joey".
natelukas (obs) says "no way".
limmy80286 says "joey i want to take you out jest to make your fans sad".
BaronPro (obs) says "limmy".
JoeyAusome says "i'll tell you what, if you knock me out you can have my bounty"
limmy80286 says "well thanks".
JoeyAusome says "thank my fans".
DOKTER DONKEY says "WHAT IS NATE'S ISSUE? OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT HE STILL".
DOKTER DONKEY says "LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS".
BaronPro (obs) says "nate".
BaronPro (obs) says "nate".
BaronPro (obs) says "nate".
BaronPro (obs) says "nate".
BaronPro (obs) says "nate".
BaronPro (obs) says "on behalf of Joey and all his fans".
BaronPro (obs) says "im going to give you a small piece of advice".
natelukas (obs) says "joey is a *** stfu".
MathProf (obs) says "tsk tsk...you kiss your mom with that mouth?".
DOKTER DONKEY says "AND YOUR SISTER?".
BaronPro (obs) says "take a large sharp knife, and stick it in your left eye"
JoeyAusome says "whoa PRO".
BaronPro (obs) says "mathprof, you seem like an idiot".
MathProf (obs) says "I don't just seem like one!".
JoeyAusome says "ha".
BaronPro (obs) says "oh wait, I just spoke to a mutual friend, and he confirmed".
BaronPro (obs) says "were correct".
MathProf (obs) says "he agreed with you? good thing. so do I!".

MathProf is just some idiot from RGP. He's not all that important, but found a way to extra himself into this entry.

BaronPro (obs) says "Joey".
BaronPro (obs) says "can I ask you a question? ".
JoeyAusome says "you bet".
BaronPro (obs) says "can the serf approach the throne to speak?".
BaronPro (obs) says "on a scale of 1 to 10".
JoeyAusome says "7".
DOKTER DONKEY says "2".
BaronPro (obs) says "how much of a fkkin idiot are you?".
DOKTER DONKEY says "10".
BaronPro (obs) says "all Aussies are gay".
BaronPro (obs) says "100% true fact".
JoeyAusome says "that prolly is true".
limmy80286 says "why dont u get on your knees and blow him ***".
DOKTER DONKEY says "LIMMY R U HITTING ON ME?".

What follows had me nearly in tears. We love doing Tony G impressions. The guy is so, umm, awesome, and has put out some truly awe-inspiring NLHE videos.

MathProf (obs) says "wait...if that's true, where do baby aussies come from?".
DOKTER DONKEY says "KANGAROOS".
BaronPro (obs) says "lithuania".
BaronPro (obs) says "like tony G".
DOKTER DONKEY says "ON YER BIKE JOEY".
JoeyAusome says "you know a baby kangaroo is a joey".
JoeyAusome says "so i am one with the kangs".
BaronPro (obs) says "I know a grown up retard is a Joey as well".

Joey. Kangaroo. Retard. Hahaha. Get it?

Anyway, right about now I have a pretty big stack and get all-in with a short stack. I have 55, and he has KQ. The flop brought a 5, giving me a set and he was drawing dead. The turn brought a useless K, and the river blanked, and I busted him. The following is, umm, amazing as far as poker knowledge goes.

DOKTER DONKEY wins 21280 with three fives.
DOKTER DONKEY says "OOPS".
Haru24 is eliminated.
BaronPro (obs) says "gg ".
DOKTER DONKEY says "TY FOR YOUR DOLLAR".
DOKTER DONKEY says "PLEASE DRIVE THRU".
natelukas (obs) says "idiot ur gonna bust dokter **** blower".
limmy80286 says "nice catch dok".
BaronPro (obs) says "lolol".
limmy80286 says "had u owend pf".
Haru24 (obs) says "i was gonna say nh but u gotta sayy that nice man ".
BaronPro (obs) says "Haru, quit moanin".
BaronPro (obs) says "on yer bike".
DOKTER DONKEY says "UHHH WHAT?".
BaronPro (obs) says "dokter had the heart and commitment to the game, to win".
DOKTER DONKEY says "HOW DOES KQ "OWN" 55 PRE FLOP?".

For those that don't know, 55 is a slight favorite over KQ. It's a paired hand, so while the hand is considered a "coinflip" there is a slight advantage to the 55 since it doesn't need to improve to win. Anyway, on with the fun, and the insults of course!

seouljah boy (obs) says "get em joey".
BaronPro (obs) says "hi soldier boy, retarded name for a retarded person".
seouljah boy (obs) says "retarded name?".
BaronPro (obs) says "yes".
seouljah boy (obs) says "BaronPro isnt much better bud".
BaronPro (obs) says "glad you concur".
BaronPro (obs) says "oh really?".
BaronPro (obs) says "its the best name ever".
seouljah boy (obs) says "yup".
seouljah boy (obs) says "nw".
seouljah boy (obs) says "naw*".
seouljah boy (obs) says "disagree".
BaronPro (obs) says "would you like me to explain why?".
seouljah boy (obs) says "no thanks".
seouljah boy (obs) says "i have better things to do".
BaronPro (obs) says "ok i will then".
BaronPro (obs) says "its the best name".
BaronPro (obs) says "because you are an idiot".
seouljah boy (obs) says "good comment".
BaronPro (obs) says "ty".

This would have been more amusing if I posted his actual handle, but you'll have to just live with this. It also sets up the next part. Joey decides to impress us with his knowledge of geography.

JoeyAusome says "seoul as in Russia?".
DOKTER DONKEY says "YAH SEOUL, RUSSIA, RIGHT NEXT TO BEIJING".
BaronPro (obs) says "Joey, where in Oz are you form".
JoeyAusome says "North CArolina".
BaronPro (obs) says "thats in the united states of obesity".
MathProf (obs) says "excuse me. I couldn't hear you over my supersized meal".
BaronPro (obs) says "a light snack before your main course?".
MathProf (obs) says "yeah".
MathProf (obs) says "its my appetizer".

Of course Joey is one of those fuckin nitfucks who blinds down for 2 hours, then gets his stack in with the most retarded thing ever. Our hero Joey blinded down and somehow got in with Q 10 offsuit, which, umm, isn't a great hand. In the poker world it's known as the Varkoni, or Varkyoni, or Varykoni, or Vyknronia, or however the fuck that fucker spells his name.

BaronPro (obs) says "Joey, you gonna play a hand soon?".
natelukas (obs) says "whose gonna felt the donkey joey and his gay fans".
JoeyAusome says "nate thats enough".
natelukas (obs) says "or what joey ".
natelukas (obs) says "u gonna cry".
JoeyAusome says "maybe after this hand".
limmy80286 says "tool".
DOKTER DONKEY says "LOL".
JoeyAusome says "my side hurts".
BaronPro (obs) says "waits 100 hands to play the Varkoni".
BaronPro (obs) says "moron hand for a moronic moron".

Shortly after, I bust Limmy. We always like to wish our fallen opponents the best. Of course as soon as an insult is thrown out, the obligatory headsup challenge is made.

BaronPro (obs) says "lolol".
limmy80286 leaves.
limmy80286 (obs) says "nh gg".
BaronPro (obs) says "gg limmy".
BaronPro (obs) says "idiot".
DOKTER DONKEY says "GG".
limmy80286 (obs) says "baron lets play heads up".
BaronPro (obs) says "okay".
BaronPro (obs) says "50/100 NL".
limmy80286 (obs) says "u dont have that".
BaronPro (obs) says "i do".
BaronPro (obs) says "got money pouring out of my ears son".
JoeyAusome says "tell me what room i want to watch".
limmy80286 (obs) says "20 heads up".
JoeyAusome says "tell me what room i want to watch".
BaronPro (obs) says "you mean table, JoeyMoron".
BaronPro (obs) says "$20? please".
BaronPro (obs) says "I dont scratch my nuts unless I get paid $1k to do it".
limmy80286 (obs) says "what you dont want me to take your 20".
natelukas (obs) says "hey pro he doesnt want to play heads up fake money you donk"
limmy80286 (obs) says "im doing it jest to make u look bad come on".

As this is all going on, a player named "975" is folding so much it's like he's trying to beat the world's record in origami. This was amusing to me, probably not as amusing to the rest of you. But...

BaronPro (obs) says "cmon 975".
975 folds.

Welcome back, back to the fray. I make a joke about who my TV pro friend might be, but trust me, while he is a fairly well-known TV pro, he isn't Shawn Sheikhan.

BaronPro (obs) says "cmon son,I'll drop down to 25/50 NL".
BaronPro (obs) says "just for u".
limmy80286 (obs) says "lets jest play 20 so i can make u look bad".
BaronPro (obs) says "no thanks, you are dead to me now".
natelukas (obs) says "he has no money he wants to play 25 50 nl fake money".
limmy80286 (obs) says "if your will to play that big why not play for 20".
BaronPro (obs) says "limmy, its the same reason I sleep with supermodels and
BaronPro (obs) says "pig faced howlers like ur mom".
BaronPro (obs) says "the busto store called, and its running out of YOU!".
limmy80286 (obs) says "so u all know pro has no balls".
DOKTER DONKEY says "I KNOW THAT PRO PLAYS MUCH HIGHER THAN THAT".
DOKTER DONKEY says "AND THAT HE'S ONLY HERE TO CHEER ME ON, IN BETWEEN TOURNEYS"
limmy80286 (obs) says "than play me for 20 it should be easy money right or u jest".
BaronPro (obs) says "i dont care for $20 son".
BaronPro (obs) says "id rather wipe ur *** with it then play you for it".
DOKTER DONKEY says "IF YOU ONLY KNEW".
limmy80286 (obs) says "ill make u look bad in front of your friends".
DOKTER DONKEY says "LOLOLOL".
DOKTER DONKEY says "SHAWN, CHECK THIS IDIOT OUT".
DOKTER DONKEY says "ERR".
BaronPro (obs) says "i do a good enough job of that myself tyvm".
DOKTER DONKEY says "NVM".
BaronPro (obs) says ".".
BaronPro (obs) says "..".
BaronPro (obs) says ".".
BaronPro (obs) says ".".
BaronPro (obs) says ".".
limmy80286 (obs) says "no balls".
BaronPro (obs) says "limmy".
BaronPro (obs) says "you wear lipstick?".
limmy80286 (obs) says "u talk but u cant play any cards".
DOKTER DONKEY says "LOL YOU CAN'T PLAY ANY CARDS".
DOKTER DONKEY says "SURE APPEARED THAT WAY ON TV".
DOKTER DONKEY says "HAHAHA".
BaronPro (obs) says "lol ".
MathProf (obs) says "just ask the mouth. he can't play".
BaronPro (obs) says "i know ".
DOKTER DONKEY says "LOL ".
BaronPro (obs) says "i told him to his face".
JoeyAusome says "asure did".
limmy80286 (obs) says "ok im leaving u puss".
BaronPro (obs) says "Joey".
BaronPro (obs) says "good".
BaronPro (obs) says "get out".
BaronPro (obs) says "ON UR BIKE RUSSIAN".
BaronPro (obs) says "GONNE".

So while all of this is going on, there's a player with the name "kanizzle" at the table. Shawn, err, BaronPro, decides to end this blog entry with some of the funniest chat I've had the pleasure to witness at a poker table.

kanizzle is at seat 1 with 2155.
rbeckwith posts the small blind of 300.
hollis1180 posts the big blind of 600.
BaronPro (obs) says "lookin a bit short there Kanizzle".
BaronPro (obs) says "try to be a dangerous player on the day that can win a lot of money".
BaronPro (obs) says "i fink u can bounce back".
DOKTER DONKEY says "BLINDS WILL GO UP?".
DOKTER DONKEY says "THIS POOR BASTARD BARELY HAS ENOUGH FOR WHAT THEY ARE NOW".
BaronPro (obs) says "kanizzle tryin foldizzle his wizzle up the ladizzle".
BaronPro (obs) says "fizzleuckin retizzleard".
kanizzle goes all-in for 730.
kanizzle is eliminated.
BaronPro (obs) says "gizzle gizzle".

Poor kanizzle. Foshizzle. Until next tizzle.

Morphizzle

PLO Pied Piper of Donks - FTP011

Hello again Manifestites! I've posted video #11, and the last (for a while) on FullTilt. I've moved money off to other sites and will be doing videos there for a while. This video features a few requests from RGPers, so enjoy!

http://www.donkeymanifesto.com/videos

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

PLO Pied Piper of Donks - FTP010

Hello Manifestites! Video 10 is up. Enjoy!

http://www.donkeymanifesto.com/videos

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

PLO Pied Piper of Donks, Part 9

Hello Manifestites! It's that time again: video number 9 is up! I apologize for the delay here, but it was pretty easy to put off the time needed to edit and narrate the recording. Never fear, I have 3 more recorded that I'll be putting up in the near future.

Also thanks to some quick web work from RGP's Diputsur, there's now a dedicated page that holds all of these video links. The original links are still there, but I'll refer to the main videos page (link below) from now on. I'm looking for someone to do a graphic and/or a logo. If you have some artistic skills and are willing to help, drop me an email: xaqmorphy@donkeymanifesto.com. Until next time, enjoy!

http://www.donkeymanifesto.com/videos

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

PLO Pied Piper of Donks, Part 8

Hello Manifestites! Number 8 in the series. Not much else to say, so enjoy!

http://www.donkeymanifesto.com/plo8

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

PLO Pied Piper of Donks, Part 7

Hello Manifestites! For this video I've left in most of the hands that I folded. Some of you have asked what sort of hands I fold since the videos usually contain mostly hands that I play. There's not a whole lot of commentary on them, but I do manage to babble on about other things.

Please, if anyone can bring a logical argument for why these fuckers feel the need to gobble once 17 players have limped in, please email me at xaqmorphy@donkeymanifesto.com and let me know why. I'll post the best answer in the next blog entry. Please include the name you wish to be known as in the post as well. Enjoy!

http://www.donkeymanifesto.com/plo7

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

PLO Pied Piper of Donks, Part 6

Hello Manifestites! The Pied Piper has once again found a table full of maggots to play against. Yes, you guessed it, time for video #6. Not much else to say, so enjoy!

http://www.donkeymanifesto.com/plo6

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Some HH for 2+2 Retards

Some retards from 2+2 requested I post this HH. Enjoy guys.


Full Tilt Poker Game #3681861433: Table Hope (heads up) - $0.50/$1 - No Limit Hold'em - 21:41:00 ET - 2007/09/26
Seat 1: Poker_Dummy101 ($398.50)
Seat 2: CompleteDonk ($392.50)
CompleteDonk posts the small blind of $0.50
CompleteDonk: $800 flip
Poker_Dummy101 posts the big blind of $1
The button is in seat #2
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Poker_Dummy101: this is it
CompleteDonk: omg
CompleteDonk raises to $392.50, and is all in
Poker_Dummy101 calls $391.50
CompleteDonk shows [Ts 6d]
Poker_Dummy101 shows [7c Kd]
CompleteDonk: MOTHER !!#$
*** FLOP *** [Th 4d 9s]
CompleteDonk: HOLD
*** TURN *** [Th 4d 9s] [7s]
*** RIVER *** [Th 4d 9s 7s] [3d]
CompleteDonk shows a pair of Tens
Poker_Dummy101 shows a pair of Sevens
CompleteDonk wins the pot ($784.50) with a pair of Tens
CompleteDonk: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot $785 Rake $0.50
Board: [Th 4d 9s 7s 3d]
Seat 1: Poker_Dummy101 (big blind) showed [7c Kd] and lost with a pair of Sevens
Seat 2: CompleteDonk (small blind) showed [Ts 6d] and won ($784.50) with a pair of Tens

PLO Pied Piper of Donks, Part 5

Hello Manifestites! What is this? 2 posts in 2 days? 2 PLO videos in 2 days? What the hell is going on here? Well the smarter of you probably realize that this isn't something to expect all the time. The not so smart of you are probably still drooling on yourselves so it doesn't much matter.

Yes boys and girls, PLO Video #5 is up. I've been running bad lately. Real bad. Like, get in with the nuts and re-draws to more nuts, and getting busted by some retard with some ridiculous hand. Or putting a guy squarely on an overpair when I flop 2 pair, being right, and having the 3rd flop card pair on the turn or river to counterfeit me. So what do poker players do when they're running bad? Why, move up in stakes of course! I didn't make a drastic move, well at least not this time. But I have a session of 1/2 here for you.

In the video I mentioned that it wasn't really a typical Pied Piper session, but I think I only said that because I wasn't directly involved in the hands. There are definitely a bunch of idiots in this video.

I hope you enjoy, and as always, until next time...

http://www.donkeymanifesto.com/plo5

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

PLO Pied Piper of Donks, Part 4

Part 4. This one is ugly. But, people asked if I won every session I played. Of course I win every session I play. Err, well, you better see for yourself. Enjoy!

http://www.donkeymanifesto.com/plo4

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

PLO Pied Piper of Donks, Part 3

Happy weekend Manifestites! You know, as a world famous donkey blogger, I sometimes get so caught up in my work that I don't have time to hang with the other online celebrities. Well that's all about to change. I had the distinct pleasure to sit with a world famous poker player the other night, and I recorded it. Without further adieu, I bring you the 3rd in the series:

http://www.donkeymanifesto.com/plo3

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

PLO Pied Piper of Donks, Part 2

Hello Manifestites! I hope this post finds you well. Well except for Wayne Vinson from RGP, that is. That stupid nitfuck has about as much common sense as my left shoelace. It's people like that who give a bad name to all the true retards out there. For Wayne, I have this special picture:

Yes folks, it's Wayne the retard with a special message for all.

Anyway, that's not the point here. The point is to bring to my faithful readers the next video in the PLO Pied Piper of Donks series. This one is more of a straight forward session, which is actually something people asked me for, so I might as well listen to them for once (yes Fell, I know, The List, The List...working on it). Enjoy!

http://www.donkeymanifesto.com/plo2

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

PLO Pied Piper of Donks, Part 1

Hello Manifestites! I've started something new. Instead of putting together the next entry for The List series, I've gotten a hold of some recording software. Yes, I've entered the world of recording my boring ass poker sessions and commenting on them for mass consumption.

I sort of invented the term the Pied Piper of Donks a while back when friends and I noticed that I seemed to be some sort of retard magnet at the poker tables. They just seems to follow me around, so the title just sort of stuck. I decided to mess around with recording a session, and it took a total of about 3 minutes to figure out I must have been piping already.

I apologize in advance for the sound quality, particularly towards the end. I had some issues with the machine I recorded it on and didn't feel like going back and fixing it. I recorded the video and narrated it after the fact. I'll probably do some videos later on recording the audio live as well. The link is below. It's an embedded shockwave flash file and it's about 23 minutes long Enjoy1

http://www.donkeymanifesto.com/plo1

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

The Worst Music Ever – Uber Troll, Epilogue

Hello Manifestites! It's about time we wrap this up. I almost didn't post this because it's fairly anti-climactic, but then realized that I needed to post something to keep my adoring fans happy (umm, right). So here it is. For those of you who haven't read the Uber Troll (tm), please navigate to posts from earlier this year and read all 4 parts, otherwise this won't make much sense at all.

When we last left our hero, Rockin' Rick Choad had given Paul some bad news. The new Kworbane Stone just wasn't a hit, despite some pretty extraordinary efforts to re-record the vocals. You've heard it for yourselves, and I don't think anyone can argue with that fact. But something weird happened. Paul seemed to have vanished. I thought my reject email would have been the end of it, and around that time is when I posted the first of the Uber Troll (tm) parts to the blog here. then nearly 3 weeks later, I receive this email:

Hi Rick.

I want to apologize for "disappearing" for a bit of time. I have been contemplating quite a bit lately RE: many "life" events including my life, "day-job" career changes (gotta pay those bills, gotta pay those bills...uh, yeah), searching for a mate/wife, other things, and, of course, The Kworbane Stone.

I would like to, albeit belatedly, congratulate you on your marriage. All my best wishes for a lifetime of happiness and the blessings of as many children God Himself will grace you with. I am 45, never married, no children...this is the biggest hole in my life, by far. Although I am not one to give advice, treat her well...and start your family as soon as possible with as much love as you can give.

RE: "...or do you feel we've come to the end of the road in our musical
business relationship?"
I never dissolve good business relationships. I know I am a professional. I hope so after 45 years on this Earth. You also have proven yourself a professional through your concern, caring, patience, diligence, open-mindedness, openness, and thoughtfulness. I have sincerely appreciated it all. Thank you. At this point, no matter what I decide or you decide, I would like to consider our business relationship still open. One never knows when and where one will meet again.

What to do...what to do...

Your response caught me a little bit by surprise and I have been spending some time thinking about the whole matter, what I'm going to do, conferring with trusted colleagues and friends and family, and, especially, what I'm going to write back to you.

Rick, I have at least five albums worth of original material much like The Kworbane Stone, as well as other Rock genres. I have a plethora library of songs written, songs recorded, songs in process, recordings in process, lyrics, finished and in process, etc...even material such as a Rock Opera in process as well as writing Gregorian/Polyphony music inspired by my Tridentine Roman Catholic faith and my long-standing membership in the Palestrina Tridentine Choir.

Rick, you have been patient and so have I. At this point, however, if I have to consider stepping back from the microphone of EYE(tm), I really need to speak directly with you, face-to-face (euphemistically) via teleconference. I need to understand where all this may go and where EYE(tm)'s place is in it and what is in it for all parties involved. I now need to know who you really are and, much more importantly, I need to speak with you regarding the details of what you and PolyGram/Universal would like to see done, where you fit in, where PolyGram/Universal fits in, where I fit in...I have business questions RE: direction and outcome that need answers and eMail is just not the best "conduit" at this time.

In an age of "Fall Out Boys'" and "Britney Spears'", PolyGram/Universal has just a plethora of diverse artistry on roster. I have, quite extensively, perused the Universal web site. You are dealing with a Child Of The 70s, a multi-instrumentalist/performer/composer/producer/engineer that is trying to be a "fish-NOT-out-of-water" in a young music generation that cares more for narcissism than artistry.

One of my friends suggested that I suggest to you that you listen to other EYE(tm) songs. You can access the EYE(tm) songs directly at [link to Paul’s web site]. These songs are simply a "smattering" of EYE(tm) and are not, by far, everything available. Also, the songs can somewhat give you an indication of myself as a
multi-instrumentalist/performer/composer/producer/engineer.

Gary and I have re-listened many times to The Kworbane Stone (ReMix) self-criticizing ourselves based on your response eMail. I believe there IS improvements that still can be made and that, maybe, we were too busy concentrating on the "micro" to stand back and consider the "macro".

In 1993 I was offered a record contract offer from a subsidiary of Atlantic Records. I turned it down thinking I could obtain something better. In 1995 (or 1996) I received a production artist development offer from a known Nashville producer based on "The Kworbane Stone" and another song I submitted to him, "Ecksuhgeesis". I, again, thought something better was "down the pike" and declined. In both instances, singing was not an issue. At the time, the closest that singing came to being an issue was that the known Nashville producer mentioned to me that I was "not the best singer in the world and not the worst" but he also caveat'ed his comment with "...that's what vocal coaches are for...". He wasn't concerned nor was Atlantic in 1993.

At this point, for me, you and I now need to talk, not eMail. I need to know who I'm dealing with and we need to talk business. Again, if I'm going to consider stepping back from the microphone of EYE(tm), this is what I require. This is my next step. If you can oblige, great. If you cannot, I understand. In the event you cannot oblige, I am compelled to shop EYE(tm) to other "outlets". I am sure you understand.

Many times in life, what we say and/or what we write never comes out the way we feel or planned. This is how I feel about this eMail. Somehow, I cannot adequately express myself right now but this is the best I could "muster". I apologize.

Again, best of all in your marriage blessing. Truly.

I hope we can continue to move forward and I look forward to your reply.

Thanks, Rick.

Buena suerta y adios...for now.

Yikes! There are so many amusing things in that email I don't even think I can do them justice by pointing them all out. Did this idiot really turn down 2 record deals? Is he really trying to tell Rick that his "music" (and we'll use that term loosely) is art and that it may be the younger generation's problem for not liking it rather than his own? Wow.

Well a while back I set things in motion with the overseas trip, so I knew now was the time to end it. I've had this email written up for a while; it was just a matter of time until I sent it. I didn't see any way to drag this out any further, unless I wanted to actually get involved with voice calls. That wasn't a road I was prepared to go down. So it saddens me to bring my readers the following news:

To Whom It May Concern:

You have been in contact with Jimmy Simmens, aka Rick Choad, who was a consultant of ours here at PolyGram Records. We are writing to inform you that Jimmy passed away late last week in a small aircraft accident in Tokyo, Japan. Jimmy was a true believer in so many people out there that his loss is not easy for us to comprehend and deal with.

At this time we are unsure of the level of communication Jimmy had with you. We will be going over his email and business records. If we find an interest level sufficient to pursue further communication, we will be in touch. Please understand that this was very unexpected, and it may take some time to sort through all of the records.

At this time funeral arrangements are being made in Tokyo with his new wife now widow. She is asking that the funeral be kept private.

Please join us in a moment of silence for Jimmy. He will be missed.

Sincerely,

PolyGram Records

A sad day indeed. Paul replied almost immediately with this:

To: Mrs. Simmens, PolyGram Records, Mr. Simmens' Family and Staff, and all who allowed EYE(tm) into their lives if but for a little while:

Please accept our most sincere and heartfelt condolances in the loss of your husband and friend. Although our brief contact with Mr. Simmens was tertiary, he seemed to conduct himself as a gentlemen full of professionalism, optimism, perseverence, concern, caring, patience, diligence, open-mindedness, openness, and thoughtfulness. I personally felt an affinity to him even though I did not really know or meet him.

We are truly sorry for your loss.

Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine: et lux perpetua luceat eis.
Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord;
and let perpetual light shine upon him.

Introibo ad altare Dei. Ad Deum qui laetificat juventutem meam.
And I will go in unto the Altar of God.
Unto God, Who giveth joy to my youth.

Amen.


And there we have it. Onward... umm, oh yeah. (tm).

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

The Worst Music Ever – Uber Troll, Part FFS

Alright Manifestites, I hope this blog post finds you well. This is it, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Throughout the journey that has been the Uber Troll (tm), I’ve taken you through a wonderful adventure filled with magic, danger, a dash of WTF, and a huge helping of the worst music ever created. It is time for this series of postings to culminate to something extraordinary.

When we last left our hero in waiting, Paul was still working on putting together the new version of the Kworbane Stone. He had overcome much adversity including floods, laryngitis, and severely impacted ear wax. As you readers I’m sure agree, I, I mean Rick, was sitting in high anticipation of what would come next. Would there really be a song with new vocals on it? Is Paul running the most elaborate troll ever? It’s time to answer those questions folks. Sit back and grab your earplugs. You’ll need them.

Hi Rick.

Hope all is well.

The Kworbane Stone MP3 (ReMix) is finished and ready. You can listen to The Kworbane Stone MP3 (ReMix) MP3 by either downloading or streaming the MP3 from:

http://tinyurl.com/358jcb

Download or stream:
THE KWORBANE STONE
MP3 (ReMix)
(ReMix Produced And Engineered By: Paul [Paul’s middle/last names] And Gary [Gary’s last name]).

If you would like to visit the EYE(tm) WebSite in its entirety, please visit:

http://tinyurl.com/2pr8sw, then...

Roll your mouse over the lower right corner of the EYE home page.
A revolving EYE(tm) insignia will appear.
Left-click-once on this revolving EYE(tm) insignia.
The EYE(tm) pyramid will build.
Then, a much larger EYE(tm) insignia will make one rotation and stop.
After the single rotation of the much larger EYE(tm) insignia, left-click-once on this larger EYE(tm) insignia.
You will be directed to the EYE(tm) Master Home Page, presently under construction.
At the bottom of the EYE(tm) Master Home Page will be an "EYE(tm) Music Sound Bytes" link.
This link will lead you to the EYE(tm) songs.

You can reach the EYE(tm) pyramid directly at
http://tinyurl.com/2uqd2h
You can reach the EYE(tm) Master Home Page directly at
http://tinyurl.com/2ubqlx
You can reach the EYE(tm) songs directly at
http://tinyurl.com/35adz9

I apologize for the missed target dates and the tardiness. It has been somewhat of a grueling last couple of weeks for us back here.

I certainly hope this is what PolyGram/Universal is seeking. I look forward to communicating with you further regarding their reaction. I also look forward to a continued business relationship with yourself, your firm, and/or PolyGram/Universal.

Thanks for all the time, patience, and consideration.

Take care, stay safe, and be well.

So there it is. It isn’t enough to give out a link to the worst song ever written, recorded, then re-mixed. He has to give links to 37 different places on his web site, all of which are trademarked of course. Assuming I haven’t killed off my entire readership base with some super hi-tech aural virus, you have likely just listened to the re-mix of the Kworbane Stone and are likely staring at your screen wondering how the hell anyone could put time and effort into THAT, and present it to others to listen to.

Now I have a strange situation. I’ve strung this guy along so far, I just can’t laugh at him and leave a P5’s (that’s a poker forum full of kids) like response such as “HAHAHA PWNED YOU!!!!!!!!!1111ONE”. I definitely need to put an end to this, but I need to do so in a way that is believable, and well, since I’m trolling, a few more pieces of blog material wouldn’t hurt much, would they? I’ve been roughly planning my escape since fairly early on in the communiqué chain, so I decided to start down the road where there is no Kworbane Stone:

HI Paul,

My apologies for not getting back to you sooner. I've had some pretty life changing experiences on the other side of the world. I met a girl in Japan and fell in love, and we got married last week. We are now taking a honeymoon through Europe and are in London as I write this.

My secretary contacted me to send me your song that she downloaded for me. The entire office was laughing and I feared the worst. Paul, I don't know how to say this, but my only hopes are that the ear problems you wrote about are still there, and you weren't able to properly hear the final vocal takes. I have to say Paul, these vocals are worse than the originals! I can tell you are a very talented musician, which is what caught my ear originally, but if I may be blunt, you just aren't a singer. There are certain tones to your voice that are harsh and unappealing, and take away from the brilliant music that makes up the Kworbane Stone. I would be a fool to present this to my superiors.

I have to ask this: have you considered getting another vocalist, or do you feel we've come to the end of the road in our musical business relationship?

Rick

I left it somewhat open because I felt putting a blunt end to this would be too sudden, and he might catch on, although in retrospect that’s somewhat silly based on what he’s already done. What I said in the email is true, Paul has musical talents. He can’t sing, but his songwriting and composition skills are at least to the point where you can tell he can play. He can’t play anything anyone wants to listen to, but as far as pure raw talent for the instruments, he can play. But when the final product is something as god-awful as the Kworbane Stone, I felt it was my duty to crush it with a mighty hammer. And crushed it was! Muahahahaha.

I waited for over a week and received no response, so this is where I planned on ending the series of posts. I’ll leave you for now, to ponder how this saga ends, and to enjoy the fruits of Paul’s labor: Kworbane Stone, the re-mix. Enjoy!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

The Worst Music Ever – Uber Troll, Part Three

Hello Manifestites! Once again, I welcome you to pull up a chair, put your feet up, and read the lengthy tale of donk as part 3 of the Uber Troll (tm) is unleashed on the world. If you haven’t read part 2 yet, please do so before you continue: The Worst Music Ever – Uber Troll, Part Duh.

When we last left our friend Paul, Rick had given him the bad news that things wouldn’t work out and the Kworbane Stone wasn’t quite ready for consumption by the masses. Rick of course felt bad, but alas, that is the way things go in the music industry.

So a few days later, all of a sudden pops up another lunatic, the Alien Hand guy, who I’ve written about here: Aliens and Thermodonknamics. After a few go-arounds with that guy, my head was spinning so much I didn’t want to have anything at all to do with any more crazy musicians. Or did I? As I was browsing the local music site, I ran across this ad, sure enough, from the lunatic from the Alien blog entry:

Songwriting OpporTun(e)ity
Looking for cooberation songwriting M/F any age. Bias toward headbanger bass laid into rythm in Sb s-ware. Devote time to originals, not music and playing music for fun or profit. Some players post using 'originals' to mean other people's origin or an original part with their instrument- different from one already done. This is a creative task and continuing time spanning and dedication situation so consider what your're getting into.
Some travel to meetings is required.
Extensive prior knowledge and experience is rarely much help but some knowledge of music is helpful. If you read about songwriting and experiment with scales like arabic, gothic, space city and distortion effects, you may like to answer. This is a chance for exposure to the national market, not just the local union musician's life you see on this board all the time.
Referenes not required or wanted. This depends solely on individual's motivation and self discipline.
Theme music for Aleinhand. Alternative anti-traditional world view. Accepting apps till April 7. No resumes needed.

Ok, alright, that’s it. I’ve had it. Let’s whip up an email. On April 6th, I sent this to both the Alien Hand guy as well as Paul:

To Whom It May Concern:

I'm writing based on your ad on Milwaukee Rocks. I am an entertainment individual associated with many high-ranking officials in the music industry.

A few weeks ago I was in touch with Paul of EYE fame. Although we weren't able to work things out at the time, I never lose a contact, and I'm always on the search for musicians and projects that have that extra star quality to them.

Based on my findings, I believe the Alien Hand Project and EYE have several things in common, and deserve to find each other in this musical world that can sometimes be complex and hard to navigate.

Since both emails were made public, I'm including both emails in this email.

I would be honored to represent both of you in your endeavors to make the best, most unique music possible. Please consider this my introduction to both of you, and your introduction to each other, and let's see what we can do to take the music industry by storm. Please consider my offer and let me know your thoughts.

Sincerely,

Rick Choad, Esq.

A week went by with no reply, so I sent out this feeler email to both parties:

Gentlemen, have you had a chance to talk to each other about my email below? This is a hot time in the industry for something new. Let me know asap!

Rick

Sure enough, later that day Paul wrote back. You guys can’t even imagine the excitement one feels when their inbox shows a new message from the likes of Paul. Or maybe you can. Muk had a kidney stone once. I imagine it’s something along those lines.

Hi Rick.

Thanks for the eMail(s).

I have been trying, albeit sporadically, to contact Alien Hand Project. I also had a flood in my basement which I am now remediating with the insurance company and that, along with every other day-to-day chore/task/job, is extremely time-consuming. As you, I am sure, know, Alien Hand Project are in Texas and I am in Wisconsin. I, by no means, see that as a hindrance...just giving you a "heads up".

I will keep trying and keep you informed.

Our first eMail contact (you to me) was 03.15.2007. I still know next to nothing about you except your name (Rick Choad III, Esquire, which I have deduced by now is, more than likely, an "eMail pen name" to cloak your identity) and your eMail address.

I would certainly like to know more about you, your business, etc., and actually speak with you. If you are who you say you are at the level in the industry that you say you are at with the contacts you say you have, I am sure you cloak your identity with an "eMail pen name" to fend off crackpots and stalkers that will not leave you alone with their "lousy" submissions. However, please understand that I am the utmost professional who only surrounds himself with the most mature, intelligent, and professional musicians and individuals that I have had the pleasure to do business with or befriend throughtout my life.

With that said, again, I will continue to try to contact Alien Hand Project. I also look forward to speaking with you and, to that effect, I, once again, will take the first "leap of faith" and include all my contact information. Please call me or let me know where I can call/contact you. At the very least, Rick, let me know more about yourself and your business and your contacts so I can understand the true legitimacy of this whole thing.

I appreciate your time, patience, and continued interest. I, too, have always believed in the world-class quality EYE(tm) has to offer the music world and the listening world and I believe, truly, there is "money in them thar hills, Martha" if we can all get our "shit together".

Telephone me, Rick. Let's rock the world all the way to the bank.

Thanks, again.

Wow, holy shit, where to start here?! For starters, it took him this long to figure out that “Rockin’ Rick Choad” might just be a fake name. The unintentional humor in his email is almost too much to take. He also comes up with this Alien Hand thing in Texas, which I didn’t understand at all. Rock the world all the way to the bank. Umm, righty-o.

A great teacher of mine (billiards teacher actually) once told me that pool players tend to plateau in their pool playing lives, and need something to sort of give them that extra push to start moving upwards to rise above. I’ve adopted this thinking into many things in my life. As a blogger, I’ve come to a point where simple trolling may not be enough anymore. Therefore, I present to you possibly the best email I’ve ever written. Enjoy:

Hi Paul, thanks for your reply.

As for me, at this time I cannot reveal my true identity. It's not that I don't want you to know who I am, but rather that I'm under contractual obligation to keep things somewhat anonymous until the time is right.

In early 2001 a group was formed under direct authority from PolyGram. This group's goal was to be the private detectives of the music world. See, with the advent of the home recording studio and computer based recording software, independent bands can successfully record, produce, and market their music without relying on the benefits a major label can provide. As I'm sure you are aware, this has been hurting the bottom line of the major labels. PolyGram decided they would take this approach, and from what I've been able to find out, the other majors are at it as well.

My job as an independent consultant reporting directly to a major marketing executive at PolyGram, is to find undiscovered talent and present them. Specifically, I'm looking for something new, unique, fresh, that the industry hasn't seen before. The presentation process moves through 4 separate screening levels, 3 of which are above and beyond what anyone "off the street" is even aware of. EYE passed through two of these levels, but stalled on the third, due to issues that we previously discussed. I was a bit set back, but when I saw the Alien Hand Project's posting, I thought there was a possibility to revive the interests involved.

So, I hope you can understand why the need to remain anonymous remains. I rarely give out my contact information other than the various email addresses I use, and due to my extensive travel schedule, I normally use email for 99% of my communiqué. Trust me that I am who I say I am, and that I've already gone a bit over my bounds as far as what I am allowed to tell potential clients. They give us some leeway, so I should be fine.

As for the Alien Hand Project, their advertisement on Milwaukeerocks.com had a city listed as Green Bay. Of course any long time football fan such as myself knows that Green Bay is in Wisconsin. Where did you get the information that they are in Texas? The main reason I ask is because a major competitor of mine is in Texas, and I want to make sure he isn't trying to troll for clients by posting a fake ad.

Thanks again for your time Paul, and once again, it has been a pleasure conversing with you.

Rick

It brings a tear to my eye every time I read it. Or maybe that was the onions I had for lunch. Ah well, who the hell knows. All I do know is that hook, line, and sinker, I’ve bagged a whale…

Hi Rick.

Thanks for all the information. I feel much more confident that I am dealing with "sincerity" and a "true professional of the industry" now. As a professional myself, I certainly appreciate you "feeding" me a little more information than you should...please understand that, from my end, our business is strictly confidential. I also understand the need for anonymity...however, if you feel you want to telephonically discuss anything, feel free to call me and feel free to block your number by using the prefix *67 before you dial my number. That way, none of your information will show up on Caller ID (which I don't have anyway...never saw the use for it).

I, as I mentioned in my previous eMail(s), have to pay the bills and, thus, I work a day job in computers/networking. I build computer infrastructure networks for some of the largest companies in the world. Because of this, I am fairly adept (I hope, by now) at all things "information technology" (including all facets of digital recording). I can trace, track, or hack anything across our wide wide world or our wide wide internet. It is a fairly banal and old hat "thrill" these days but I did trace down the web site of Alien Hand Project and listened to some of their sound bytes.

Alien Hand Project = [link removed]. Based on the textual information on the web site, you have to Google or AnyWho.com some of the venues listed on the web site where Alien Hand Project played and recorded their sound bytes as well as the recording facility(ies) they are using to record on location...you'll come up with areas like Plano, Texas, a suburb of Dallas (I know Plano because my sister is an RN there).

RE: EYE(tm):
Rick, what do you need to convince you that I can sing these songs? I mean, from the four step process you mentioned, is it so "done of a deal" that they refuse to believe I can sing my own music? Or, if I re-record the vocals, will they take another listen? I have no problem continuing to chase down Alien Hand Project but, parallel to that course, I guess I am wondering if the "door" is "shut so tight" or not on EYE(tm). There is no guarantee Alien Hand Project will be amenable to anything. I (or should I write EYE(tm) ;) ), however, am(is) "ripe" and "ready for the picking". Remember, the EYE(tm) vocals are scratch vocals done in one take 14 years ago.

Let me know. In the meantime, I'll continue to chase down the Aliens...close encounters of the "man is it tough to get signed in the music industry" kind! ;D lol
By the by, do you still WANT me to try and get in touch with Alien Hand Project considering I am in Wisconsin and they are a Texas set of musicians? I'm not even quite sure, from what I read, that they are a group...I think Alien Hand Project is just the "loose" Sunday night jam project of one of the members albeit most of them seem adept at their talents. Let me know.

Ciao for now, Rick. Stay in touch.

Game, set, match. Checkmate. He shoots, he scores. Touchdown. High score, and now we move onto the bonus round…

Paul,

Hmm, that is odd about Alien Hand Project. I was under the assumption they were from the Green Bay, WI area. If they are from Texas I don't see what the point is in contacting them, other than to find out why they posted that they are from Green Bay. They haven't replied to any of my inquiries either, which makes me highly suspicious.

As for the songs: are you able to record a new vocal track for Kworbane [purposely misspelled again of course] Stone? Part of what set these guys off was the fact that the vocal track didn't seem very polished. There were obvious mistakes, and even one section where someone was coughing??? I can't guarantee that they will change their minds, but I will do whatever I can to get them to listen to the track again if the vocals are re-done.

I would love to call, but I'm leaving today for a trip overseas to meet one of my bands who is currently touring Europe and Asia. I never can get used to the time differences, so while I may be able to reply to emails, I probably won't be able to get near a phone during a decent hour here in the US. I should be back early next week. If you could get something recorded by then to send my way, that would be excellent.

Rick

I still have this feeling in the back of my mind that he’s going to just stop replying to me. I can’t imagine someone being so dense that they fall for this time and time again. Then again, I have been reading RGP for several years now, and the same childish bickering goes on day after day by people who are old enough to be my parents (and I’m 34 btw), so who knows. Maybe they are that dense?

Part of this whole thing was I wanted him to address why the hell there was a cough in the beginning of the song. It sounds so ridiculous. So I used the mysterious “they” and put the question right out there, almost suggesting that I didn’t have a problem with it, and that “they” were the ones with the issue. Oh, and the Europe/Asia thing is a chess-like strategy move. More on that as things unfold. A few days go by, and my questions are answered:

Rick:

I'll re-do the vocal as soon as I can and re-submit to you. The "coughing" is at the beginning of the song, is intended, and is actually part of the composition...kind of a "Pink Floyd-ish" sound effect. I'm a songwriter/composer Child Of The 70s...what can I say?

I am still going to try and at least make some kind of contact with the Aliens...curiosity, if nothing else. I'll let you know.

Have a safe trip...talk to you soon.

Ciao for now.

I love it. He’s going to re-do the vocals. Here’s where the real test comes in. Has he been messing with me the whole time? Is he really serious about this? A full week went by without hearing anything, so I sent a quick inquiry:

Paul, how are the vocals coming? The group I'm with just finished up their first set here in Tokyo. They would love you here. Good luck!

Rick

Almost immediately I get a reply:

Hi Rick.

Excited to hear things are well in Tokyo.

The vocals are earmarked to be finished EOB Wednesday 04.23.2007. We have some digital transfers to make of the music bed that is taking a bit of time as well as some I/O analogue-to-digital transduction encoding challenges. I'll send the finished product to you just as soon as the new track is complete.

Your eMail arrived Mon 23 Apr 2007 09:41:49aCDT. Tokyo must be 12 hours ahead (behind(?)) if you just finished first set...unless the band is doing a morning gig. I don't know...I've never been to Tokyo. Sounds like a blast, though!

I'll keep you informed...stay in touch and be well.

Of course I’m not an idiot. I checked the time zone in Japan before sending the email, and made sure it was at a believable time. I replied:

Good to hear! This band is rocking right now (I'm on my blackberry). It's just past 1am on the 24th right now. The time zones take a little getting used to.

Good luck with the vocals, and I'm looking forward to hearing them. You said "we"? Do you have a partner you're working with?

Rick

I wanted to make the situation a bit more friendly and less professional, because I think there’s a good chance he’ll actually re-do these vocals, and I can’t even imagine what they would sound like. Unfortunately another week went by without hearing anything, so I shot out another email. I also need to keep coming up with reasons not to call him, and the overseas thing sounds like a good excuse, so I’ll keep using that:

Paul, how are the vocals coming? Looks like my stay abroad is going to last a bit longer than I expected. Just wanted to drop a line before I started my day.

Rick

Ahhh, finally a reply worthy of mentioning. In case you guys haven’t figure it out, our friend Paul likes to write. He loves completely useless details, and he loves shoving a whole slew of them into a single email. Example below:

Hi Rick.

Hope all is well on the other side of the world. What a concept...communicating half a world away instantaneously. So cool. I "day job" in computers and I am still always amazed...!

I need to apologize. I promised the finished track by Wednesday 04.25.2007 but things are running a little longer than expected albeit they are running smoothly. In your last eMail you inquired about the "we". Yes...I am working with my longtime friend, professional "guitar artist" (guitarist), and "man-of-all-things" Gary Jackson [name changed]. Actually, Gary is a wonderful friend and has helped me out in the past and actually helped me during the EYE(tm) year (1993) albeit not with the original recording of "The Kworbane Stone". Gary and I are co-engineering and co-producing this re-recording of "The Kworbane Stone".

Everything is being engineered in the digital realm using SoundTracksPro and GarageBand on an Apple G5. The analogue-to-digital tape dump of the original master tracks from the original master tape of 14 years ago went fine. We had to purchase several pieces of equipment including a Lexicon Omega I/O unit for port matching and analogue-to-digital data transfer into the Apple G5. I am recording the vocals directly into the G5 via the Lexicon unit. The Lexicon unit transduces the input signal from analogue XLR IN to USB OUT to the G5.

I originally didn't know exactly how I was going to "re-sing" the emotion of the song so I started recording a stanza at a time. After a night of that "cheating" (and wasting a night of recording), I decided that was not working at all and I was not happy with the results.

We turned our attention on the music bed tracks. We enhanced all the instrument tracks, doubled the piano (on the original the piano was buried in the mix), and created multiple busses for pulling a production mix of the instrument tracks to sing to.

Next I decided to record ten takes of the vocals straight through...bam..bam..bam. Did seven takes, took a break, did three more takes. I recorded the ending falsetto separate to make sure it was on...hopefully you think so too.

We are now creating a mix of the final vocal track from the ten vocal takes. I have also decided to double the pitch of the melody in the vocal take in real time, i.e., I am layering (doubling) one take on top of another on the vocal. I have also decided to create harmony on the vocal take so you will hear 8va low octave harmony to the main vocal throughout the vocal.

Gary and I are sessioning again tomorrow Monday 04.30.2007 at 0200pCDT until as long as we can go. We have had three recording sessions so far from ~0200pCDT to ~0600aCDT the following morning. This last session tomorrow Monday 04.30.2007 should just about finish it. The final cut should be ready EOB Tuesday 05.01.2007 or, at very latest, EOB Wednesday 05.02.2007 but I am targetting EOB Tuesday 05.01.2007.

BackUps, file administration, and all that computer stuff also takes time. I will let you know where on the web you can listen/download the MP3 or MP4 final cut.

I hope your other bands are "rocking the house". Have a safe trip home...whenever that is. I look forward to you hearing the new rendition of "The Kworbane Stone".

Again, I apologize about the tardiness and the lack of a timely status update.

Let me know if you need anything else or any other information from me.

I will "type at you" in the next couple days.

Stay safe and be well.

Wow. He actually is doing it. He bought some equipment to take a 14 year old analog recording and dump it into the digital world. And sure enough, like most musicians, he can’t leave well enough alone. I, I mean, Rick, asks him to re-do the vocals, and the first thing he does is fuck around with the keyboards. Go Paul, Go!

As a side note, what he doesn’t understand is that while he sees himself being professional by putting in all this extra information in his emails, this is really a turn off to those people who are actual music professionals. They could care less if he spent $200k on a bunch of equipment, or if he spent $50 and recorded it through a 20 year old tape recorder. If the final product sounds good and the song is well-written, they will be interested. Of course, it’s good blog material, so we appreciate the extra details!

I decide at this point to leave him alone for a while and see if he comes back on his own. I decided if I didn’t hear anything in 2 weeks I would call. Fortunately about 6 days later, this came in:

Hi Rick.

We didn't finish on Monday 04.30.2007.
We decided to skip Tuesday 05.01.2007 because of other commitments and get together Wednesday 05.02.2007.
I cancelled Wednesday 05.02.2007...I just needed a night off.

We are sessioning today Thursday 05.03.2007 at 0200pCDT and should finish the mix. I will let you know where on the web you can listen/download the MP3 or MP4 final cut.

Watched an interesting history of Ahmet Ertegun and Atlantic Records on PBS last night.

Hope all is fine...stay safe and be well.

Uhh, wtf? What time did you take a dump each day too Paul, please, let us know? Another 6 days go by:

Hi Rick.

We finished a final *.cda mix (CD Audio file) last Friday 05.04.2007, burned some sampler CDs, and listened on several playback devices including car stereos, home stereos, etc. However, the final mastered level for the *.cda file was approximately 2/3 of what it should have been, i.e., the final signal was just not "hot" albeit SoundTracksPro showed normalization of the file at the "hottest" signal possible. We are going to have to re-compress the final mix (possibly several times) and re-normalize the final mix (possibly several times) to achieve mastered-level final signal, i.e., we are working around the anomalies of the software. It is curious that we are having this trouble considering SoundTracksPro is a subset of ProTools, the standard in audio recording software, and a plug-in to and of Final Cut Pro, the standard in video/audio editting software.

We also have to convert the *.cda to MP3 or MP4 format and upload to my web site where you can listen/download.

Last week, Rick, believe it or not, both my ears closed up on me and I could not hear much of anything. Also, believe it or not, at the same time, I contracted laryngitis. So, basically, I lost both my hearing and my voice. Luckily, this was at the end of the mixdown. I basically mixed and mastered with only one ear half open and with no voice. I have been diagnosed with impacted earwax in both ears and the doctors have managed to open up one ear back to 100% and are working on the other ear which, right now, is totally closed up. My next doctor appointment is Thursday 05.10.2007. My voice is still rough with laryngitis but it is slowly coming back. While doing basic lab work during my doctor visit they also found blood in my urine. Believe me, I am asking myself, WHAT THE FUCK?!

I haven't a clue where any of this came from.

Although all these happenings may sound like coincidental excuses for a tardy submission, please understand they are not. All this stuff REALLY happened. Ridiculously, it was like some cosmic force was constantly pushing us back as we continually pushed forward. It is almost like a legion of demons nipping at my heels as I try to move forward with this project and opportunity.

Now Gary is on some out-of-town live sound gigs until Monday 05.14.2007 and he has the G5 computer with him. We won't be getting together again until early next week, the week of 05.13.2007.

Again, I am sorry regarding the delay(s).

I will keep you informed.

Stay safe and be well, wherever you are now.

Yes Paul, WHAT THE FUCK indeed. Wow is the best way to summarize all of that.

So we’ve come to the end of part 3. What will happen to Paul? Will his voice come back in time to finish the recording? Will his ears open up? Will it matter? Will he get his CDA to MP3 or MP4 on the G5 PDQ, or will we be SOL? Stay tuned for the next (and final?) episode.

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

The Worst Music Ever – Uber Troll, Part Duh

Hello Manifestites! The response was pretty good to the first part of this post, so I wanted to plan out the rest carefully. If you haven’t read the first part, please do so now: The Worst Music Ever – Uber Troll, Part 1. I apologize in advance for the length of these posts, but man, Paul can sure write. This fucker will spend god knows how long to write 3 pages full of totally useless details to finally end the email with the one piece of information that you were looking for.

So we last left our friend Paul sometime in 2004. Every year or so Pogo and I would see or hear of a reference to him somewhere in the local music scene and get a laugh out of it. He was immortalized in the losers file (which I won’t be posting here, but will email it to those who request it and can receive a 6Mb mp3 file), and forever made fun of.

Fast forward to early this year, when I started a new job with a fellow bassist we’ll call Jim deLundgren, at his request. In the first few days we got to talking about our musical experiences, and I played him the losers file. He laughed at the end and said “hey, I know that guy!” and told me of his brief run in with Paul. We laughed about it, and a few days later we were both put into a nightmare situation at a nightmare client. Well, Jim being the prankster that he was, decided to grab a copy of the Kworbane Stone (again, misspelled on purpose here), and play little 3 second clips of it every 2 minutes for weeks on end. A few searches also showed that Paul was still looking to put a band together. After about 47 times an hour of hearing that falsetto voice butcher all those notes, I couldn’t take it anymore, and had to focus my misery at someone else. Who better than the author himself? So I decided to create my first ever fake persona, and send him an email. I’ll be changing names and spellings again in these emails, but I won’t be losing any content.

From: Rockin’ Rick
To: Paul

Subject: Kworbane Stone [I purposely spelled Kworbane wrong here to see what he would do]

Dear Mr. [Paul’s last name]:

I represent a small entertainment publishing firm with direct contacts to some of the biggest labels in the industry.

My associates and I just finished listening to your song, Kworbane Stone [again spelled wrong, but different than the spelling in the subject], and were just blown away. The phrasing and musicality present were simply amazing, and the way the vocals and guitar worked together make this song leaps and bounds above most of the submissions we receive.

The best thing for you is that you've done all the leg-work with getting your band name and ideas trademarked. We are seriously one step away from a major label signing. I would be personally honored if you let me represent you in your quest for ultimate music stardom. Please email me at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,

Rick Choad

Even better here, as I’m writing this, Jim is laughing his ass off. There’s no way this guy can take “Rick” seriously, can he? To end it, I had to come up with a last name. Hmm, what to use? Yeah, let’s use choad! Note that Rick isn’t the real name I used in the emails, but the last name is the same with an altered spelling. Remember that Paul is the guy who trademarks EVERYTHING. I mean everything. His band name, his email signature, writing style, how he describes his band, everything. I played right into that, and the sarcasm is just dripping here. No one will think that I’m serious now, right?

From: Paul
To: Rick

Subject: REGARDING: RE: The Kworbane Stone [ok here he didn’t just hit reply and let the email software put the “Re:” in, he actually typed out “REGARDING” and then “RE:” in caps. Oh yeah, he also misspelled the name of his own song.]


Hi Rick.

Thank you for the compliment(s) and wonderful feedback on what is onepiece in an ongoing body of work that is lifelong in the making. There is much much more where "The Kworbane Stone" came from.

You are correct when you write that everything I create, produce, and make is protected by copyrights, trademarks, etc. Everything from the name of the group EYE(tm) [see link to PDF file from previous blog post for correct spelling. I’ll be changing it throughout] (pronounced "eye") to the artworks, symbols,emblems, monikers, song titles, music, lyrics, category descriptor(s), collateral, etc. of EYE(tm)---all is protected and has been for many years now.

I would be very interested in speaking with you regarding who you are and what you represent. In the "jungle" of the entertainment world (of which I have spent a lifetime) I am sure you, as a professional, can understand I need to know who you are, what is the name of your company, what and who do you represent, what is the URL (domain address) of your web site, what labels do you have business relationships and/or affiliations with, etc., etc., etc.---questions, questions, always questions ;) .

Please respond to this eMail with your thoughts on arranging a teleconference to begin exploratory discussions.

Again, I want to verily thank you for your kind and proactive words and I look forward to speaking with you.

Yup, typical Paul. Blah blah blah, let’s talk on the phone. He also came right out to ask what company “Rick” was with and every piece of information possible. Yah. Not gonna happen there buddy! Here’s another piece of funny information, his email signature. I have to butcher a lot of it, but he includes this whole mess at the bottom of each email. I won’t include it in every one, but just leave it here once to see how detailed it is:

--
Onward...(tm)
--
Paul [his middle and last names]
EYE(tm)
eMail1: [his email address]

WARNING:
This eMail contains personal, private, and/or confidential information. Any recipient(s) of this eMail other than the intended recipient(s) should ignore and immediately and permanently delete this eMail. If this eMail is received by any recipient(s) other than the recipient(s) to whom this eMail was intentionally and originally sent, any action other than immediate deletion of this eMail by unintended recipient(s) shall be construed as unlawful, investigated, and, where applicable, prosecuted. The information transmitted in this eMail is intended only for the person/entity to which it is addressed and this eMail may contain confidential and/or privileged material. If you are NOT the intended recipient(s) of this eMail please do not read, copy, use, or disclose this communication, and notify the sender immediately. It should be noted that any review, re-transmission, dissemination, or other use of, or taking action or reliance upon, this information by persons/entities other than the intended recipient(s) is prohibited.

Yeah, umm. Wow. So now I need to reply. I mean, “Rick” needs to reply. I’m certainly not interested in making up fake company names at this point, because I don’t even know how far this will go. I mean, this guy is going to see right through this, right? So let’s write something completely ridiculous and see what he does. Note that I knew previously that he “was the singer of the songs,” but chose to be ignorant of that fact in the email:

From: Rick
To: Paul

Hi Paul, can I call you Paul? I have a bit of somewhat negative news, but I think we can put a positive spin on this.

This morning I met with a group of record executives that also happen to be MENSA members at a local MENSA meeting. I want to be totally up front with you that I feel your music is above what the average music listener is capable of comprehending and digesting. This is why I thought the MENSA chapter here would be a perfect sounding board.

Most of the members were very interested in hearing what I had to play them, because they are all musicians and composers as well. Unfortunately, we all came to the same conclusion: the singer has to go. The beauty of the music is ruined by the timbre of the vocalist, especially when your singer uses his falsetto voice.

Is there any way you can re-record this song with a different singer and send it to me for re-submission? I hate to be so critical, but in a world where everyone is a critic, I don't think this music will go anywhere with sub-par vocals. You owe it to yourself as an artist to not settle for sub-standard performances on your recordings.

Please let me know what you think. Thanks, and God bless.

Rick

MENSA, God bless, man I crack myself up. Surely he will see right through this and either go off on me or just ignore it all together, right?

From: Paul
To: Rick

Subject: REGARDING: Paul [his middle and last names], EYE(tm), The Kworbane Stone, etc.

Hi Rick.

Again, thank you very much for your kind consideration, time, and help.

Certainly you may call me Paul...if I may call you Rick.

When I was young, the very first Led Zeppelin album I ever listened to was "Houses Of The Holy". The very first listen, I could not see what all my friends were making such a fuss over. I thought the music and vocals were both weird and bad. By the third listen of the album, however, I realized how fantastic the compositions, melodies, and performances really were.

The first time I ever heard Jackson Browne I thought he was not a very good singer...and I wondered how he managed to get "signed". With his attachment to The Eagles (at the time), I wanted to understand more about Browne. Again, in a short order, I realized how truly profound Jackson Browne, his compositions, and his performances really were and are.

I could reference dozens more examples like this in my own personal musical odyssey. I am sure that you, too, have probably experienced this "phenomenon" of slowly growing to realize an artist's potential, if not their genius...most people have.

In 1993 I was offered a record contract offer from a subsidiary of Atlantic Records. I turned it down thinking I could obtain something better. In 1995 (or 1996) I received a production artist development offer from a known Nashville producer based on "The Kworbane Stone" and another song I submitted to him, "Ecksigesis". I, again, thought something better was "down the pike" and declined. Now, here I am. Both offers wanted to shape and influence what was already there without major replacements of any kind.

I am the singer on the songs.

Let me explain.

I have been in music since I was 4 years old. I am 45...an extremely young, younger-appearing-and-acting, energetic, and still hopeful 45. I was born in 1961. My entire life has always moved towards one simple goal. I wanted to make a life out of music. From the time I heard my first song and artist (Burt Bacharach...what a talent) at 4 years old, I have never been able to stop this drive, this compulsion, this hope, this dream (some say this demon).

My entire musical life has been bands, stages, gigs, recordings, studio work, building mobile studios to accomplish my goal, etc. I also hold separate degrees in MIS (computers), Finance, and BITUS. I work my day job specifically in computers (IT Manager, IT Project Manager, and IT/NetWorking/InfraStructure Engineer...I have to pay the bills). I, too, have been tested and determined as a genius IQ although I doubt if my IQ is as high as the individuals you mentioned at MENSA. I had never heard of MENSA until last week when I met a woman on the internet. She is in Naples, Florida and I am in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. She "turned me on" to MENSA and stated that I should look into joining MENSA. By an extremely strange coincidence, only a week later, you reference MENSA in your eMail. Cosmic...I guess.

In 1993, I culminated my entire musical life up to 1993 by taking an entire year off of my life. I recruited a studio band, leased a residence, built a studio, and decided, once and for all, I was going to "go for the gold". The EYE(tm) year (as it has come to be known) termed from 12.01.1992 through 11.31.2003, inclusive. EYE(tm) the band and EYE(tm) the name was actually "freeborn" during late Summer 1992. There were two simple goals of the EYE(tm) year: number one, to have a record contract offer "signed, sealed, and delivered" by the end of the EYE(tm)year and, number two, to be on tour, any tour, by the end of the EYE(tm)year (it could have been a three day tour...anything). It was these two simple and over-riding goals that drove myself and the group that I led. We spent most of the year writing, rehearsing, and recording...basically "woodshedding" as it is known in the music industry. I wrote pretty much all of the material. I arranged,produced, and engineered pretty much all of the material. As the months went by, one member after another dropped citing that music had turned into "work" and wasn't "fun" any more. No matter how hard I tried to convince each individual that "making it" IS work and sometimes NOT fun,they would not be swayed from their decisions. By the Fall of 1993 I was left to finish the project myself. Luckily, my wonderful lifelong musician friend Garrett assisted me to the end of the EYE(tm) year. It is during the EYE(tm) year, as I sent out one promotional package after another, as I flew to Los Angeles multiple times to "peddle my wares",as I met people like Joey Church from Virgin Records, Irving Azoff (The Eagles manager), Mike Varny from Magna Carta (a wonderful guy dedicated to promoting talent...had multiple lengthy wonderful conversation with Mike Varny), and others, that I received the offer from a subsidiary of Atlantic.

You can see (and hear) some of what is "EYE(tm)-posted" on the internet by visiting [Morphy’s note: I removed the web link here because I want you to read this and experience this in the order that it was meant to be presented. Bear with me. It’s worth it.] and rolling your mouse over the lower right corner of your screen. Left-click-once on the spinning EYE(tm) symbol. This will take you to the EYE(tm) pyramid. After the second larger EYE(tm) symbol stops spinning, left-click-once on it. You will enter the EYE(tm) web site DEFINITELY still under construction.
However, towards the bottom, there is a link to EYE(tm) sound bytes. At this sound bytes page you will find links to MP3s, lyric *.PDFs, credit *.PDFs, engineering explanations, etc.

"The Kworbane Stone" and many other songs were written and recorded in 1993. For the entire year, I used a Fostex four-track CASSETTE TAPE multi-track recorder (one appliance among MANY innovations and equipments used). On some of the songs, I turned that Fostex four-track CASSETTE TAPE multi-track recorder into a 40 track multi-track recorder through the careful art of "ping-pong" recording and "anal-retentive" producing and engineering. Some of my musician friends state that, to this day, I am the only person they know that has ever pushed the limits on a four-track CASSETTE TAPE multi-track recorder to such an "edge".

What is my point in all this? "The Kworbane Stone" was written, basic tracked, recorded, editted, mixed, and finished all in one day. I played and did everything. The vocal track on "The Kworbane Stone" (as well as most of the EYE(tm) songs presently) was completed in ONE TAKE and was probably never meant to be a final take...not by any "stretch of the imagination". The present vocal takes on EYE(tm) songs can be construed as more than "scratch" takes but less than final takes.

When one looks at absolutely horrific singers and bands like Gordon Gano and The Violent Femmes who have had worldwide success or even great artists like Mark Knopfler of Dire Straits, Van Morrison, Bob Seger, and even Geddy Lee of Rush (who some say sounds like a strangled witch), whose voices are "unique" if nothing else, one can realize that there are myraid types and kinds of vocal "expressionisms" that can and are hugely saleable and successful.

I never wanted to be a "lone" artist like Billy Joel, Prince, Bruce Hornsby, Elton John, etc. Although I have been with more bands on more stages at more gigs and in more studios than I care to remember, I always wanted EYE(tm) to be a group of synergistic musicians like Yes or Genesis or ELO or...you get "the drift". EYE(tm) has become a concept and group owned by me simply because I have never been able to re-organize the right musicians into the right entity that I hear in my head 25 hours per day. Any number of my musician friends call me "The Visionary" and tell me I SHOULD just do everything myself, i.e., become another Elton John, Billy Joel, etc. I don't know...I am still trying to figure that all out. I do not ever give up, though, on my dream(s) and my visions(s) of what I would like to eventually build.

That brings us to the present. The little smattering of history I just wrote for you is missing many many details that, at this point, are not as relevant as what is happening now. Maybe, someday, we will meet and I will tell you the entire story of a dreamer, broken again and again, only to keep rising and trying. "Corny", but true.

I need to sing EYE(tm). It has been 14 years since keeping the very first vocal take on "The Kworbane Stone". I have sung in many bands before 1993 and since 1993. I have sang in choirs of which presently I sing in a Tridentine Gregorian and Polyphony choir singing both Gregorian Chant and Polyphony for our Roman Catholic Latin Masses here in Milwaukee. I am also rehearsing for my second audition with The Milwaukee Symphony Chorus. This is a "mountain" I want and need to "conquer".

What I am trying to write is the hope that you, like I, will listen to the EYE(tm) material more than a few times and try to see what can be, not necessarily what is right now. I am very open-minded and your suggestions are certainly under advisement but I am also asking you to think in what I "moniker" as "three-dimensional thinking" regarding the possibilites. Although I am a classically trained pianist and a jazz trained guitartist, I am a "street taught" singer...everything I know I have taught myself from listening to the voices and inflections of those singers I wanted to emulate such as Phil Collins and Gino Vannelli for power, Peter Gabriel and Mark Knopfler for soul, etc...the influences are endless.

Both Atlantic Records in 1993 and Kenny Rogers' engineer and producer in 1996 recognized something was there. I am asking you to try and recognize the same.

After a lifetime of trying, I NEED to accomplish this. I don't know if I can "turn it over" to someone else. I KNOW I can do it even if I am not "there" yet.

After a lifetime of studying the business side of what I consider(ed) "The Masters" in the Rock genre (Genesis, SuperTramp, Yes, King Crimson, ELO, Boston, FleetWood Mac, The Eagles, Rush, Deep Purple, etc....you know...), two simple things seemed to be common. Number one, most of "The Masters" hit on the fourth album release and, number two, ALL "The Masters" found a representative (manager, agent, etc.) that truly, TRULY believed in them even if they, "The Masters", weren't fully polished
yet. That representative believed in the artist(s) as artist(s) as well as a "cash cow".

I am asking you to believe in me. If you are who you say you are, believe in me...I will not disappoint you. Give the music more listens, play it for a cross-section of more people, etc. I also know that many elements HAVE to be re-recorded in a more professional environment which I am presently building albeit not done yet. It takes money and, much more crucial, time.

You are correct when you refer to "a world where everyone is a critic". Yet, each critic is also a potential buyer and, as many potential buyers as you have, therein you also have that many different and varied tastes and opinions, each one looking to purchase what appeals to their unique tastes and opinions. How would you otherwise explain away Ella Fitzgerald selling right alongside Ozzy Osbourne?

As always, Rick, your interest is inspirational and I thank you for that. I still don't know anything about you and I think it would be very advantageous for us to at least speak via telephone. To that end, although I don't know you, I am going to be the first to take a "leap of faith" and include my contact information. I think we should talk.

Thanks for all, Rick, and I await your response and call. The interest you have shown and the time you have invested are priceless to me...more than you know.

Thanks again.

Yikes. My first thoughts were holy shit, what did I just get myself into here? I mean, I knew the guy liked to write, and I knew he liked to babble on, and I knew he thought his music was the greatest ever, but what I just read made me think I was reading some journal from an escaped mental patient. Scary shit. He included his full name, home address with zip code, phone number, email, etc. I decided right then to end it and just brush him off. How the hell do you reply to something like that? Ok, let’s just get it over with:

From: Rick
To: Paul

Dear Mr. [Paul’s last name]:

At this time we are unable to pursue a contractual arrangement with the current submission. If you decide to change your mind and pursue another vocalist, please contact me for a new submission form, and we can try again.

Thanks for your time and interest, and I wish you well.

Rick

I figured he would ignore this and not reply, or reply with something snippy, but instead:

From: Paul
To: Rick

Rick:

As always, the interest you have shown is quite heartening. I understand your decision(s) as I am sure you respect mine. I, too, welcome your communique in the event you have a change of heart regarding your synopsis and determination.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step." -Confucious
"Rejection offends ignorance...and inspires intelligence." -A. Wisch

Again, thank you.

So there we have it, the end of part 2. Change of heart on my part? Yeah, we'll get to that in part 3. There are at least 2 more parts to this seemingly never-ending tale. Look for more parts soon. On a parting note, I leave you with the musical masterpiece that is “Ecksigesis” [spelled wrong, of course]. Enjoy!

http://tinyurl.com/2l6qah

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Tilt-A-Donk, Chapter 48

Ok Ok, I said I would be working on the next part for the Uber Troll, but I ran into this situation today and felt it was amusing enough to post.

Anyone who knows me in real life or online knows that I have a great sense of humor. I'm always joking around, picking on people, and especially in online poker, where everyone takes things so seriously, I like to have as much fun as possible. It makes the horrible game that is poker somewhat bearable.

Today I was playing a small pot limit Omaha rebuy tournament on FullTilt. A little over an hour into it, I flopped the nut flush draw, turned a gutshot straight draw, and the action was checked to me. I bet, and some moron who was slow playing a set moved in on me for a little over my bet. I called, hit the flush on the river, and busted him. It was then time for the famous line:

XaQ Morphy: nice bluff

Now, a few people have taken this lightly and laughed it off, but most of these morons have a temper tantrum that makes my 3 year old seem mature. Of course once I get them going, I keep pushing buttons until they give up, or I get bored. Most of the times they just keep giving me rope to hang them with, as exhibited below:

Steam_Rollerr (Observer): ?
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): bluff?
XaQ Morphy: yes, I picked off your bluff
psshaw-psshaw: bluff he had u beat when all the money went in
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): what the hell are you talking about blkuff?
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): i had top set dumass
XaQ Morphy: I had a flush
XaQ Morphy: last time I checked, a flush beats a set does it not?
psshaw-psshaw: not when u put the money in the pot
XaQ Morphy: huh?
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): you caught your flush lucky @&$

Awesome. Not only do I have the guy I just busted freaking out, I have some moron at the table trying to set me straight as well. Let's see how far I can take this...

XaQ Morphy: I'm not sure how long you guys have been playing poker, but in omaha, the best 5 card hand wins
XaQ Morphy: I had a flush,he had a set, a flush beats a set
XaQ Morphy: you guys need one of those "how to play poker" sites? I can google for you
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): the money went in when all you had was a flush draw and a gut shot Jenny92: lol
XaQ Morphy: I don't see how that is relevant
Jenny92: was about the situation when you put your money in
XaQ Morphy: when the hand was over, I had a flush

Ok so they obviously don't realize I'm messing around, so I'm all ready to play another few rounds of chase my tail. But then the internet bragging comes into play:

Steam_Rollerr (Observer): look bud...today will be the first time in a week i havent come in 2nd or 1st in this tourney....and it takes a lucky hit to get me out

For the record, I looked him up on thepokerdb and yes, he's done quite well in this tourney and in others. Funny though, you'd think someone who does well in poker can control his emotions. Not this donk:

Steam_Rollerr (Observer): you were the one bluffing dumbass
XaQ Morphy: I don't think I've ever bluffed with a flush before
XaQ Morphy: but nice theory
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): you didnt have a flush when you bet
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): hence a bluff
XaQ Morphy: what does that matter?
XaQ Morphy: my bet was a trap
XaQ Morphy: I knew you would bluff at me, and I picked it off
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): it matters because you said nice bluff......
XaQ Morphy: yes
XaQ Morphy: you bluffed your set into my flush
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): you didnt have a !$#%ing flush dumbass
XaQ Morphy: then why did I win the hand, genius?
XaQ Morphy: did it say "XaQ Morphy doesn't have a flush" and then award the pot to me?
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): BECAUSE YOU CAUGHT YOUR SEMIBLUFF

Oooh, all caps now. FullTilt indeed! Let's keep pressing this shiny red button, shall we?

XaQ Morphy: what the hell are you talking about?
XaQ Morphy: I'm serious, I know some really good poker teachers, want me to hook you up?
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): WHEN YOU BET YOUR CHIPS YOU DID NOT HAVE A FLUSH
XaQ Morphy: why are you yelling?
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): CANT ARGUE THAT
psshaw-psshaw: murphy u r the one that doesnt know what you are tailking about you are a donkey, MORON
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): WHEN YOU BET YOUR CHIPS LIKE THAT....ITS CALLED A SEMIBLUFF
XaQ Morphy: wow, I mean wow
XaQ Morphy: I heard that there's a lot of idiots online, but I figured they would at least know how to read a what beats what chart
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): WHY CANT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOU DID NOT HAVE A FLUSH WHEN YOU BET?
XaQ Morphy: why can't you understand that in omaha, like holdem, the best 5 card hand wins
Jenny92: and you are not being provocative now haha :)
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): I DO UNDERSTAND CHUMP....DIDNT I JUST GET DONE TELLING YOU I OWN THIS TOURNAMENT
XaQ Morphy: no! I'm never provocative, I'm trying to help these guys out since it's obvious they don't really know much about poker
XaQ Morphy: wait
XaQ Morphy: you own this tournament?
XaQ Morphy: isn't that against the rules for you to play it then?
snackmix: lol
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): 2 1ST 3 2NDS AND 2 3RDS THIS WEEK.....YEAH #$%$%%&

Ok, so at least two have figured it out, but this tilting donkatron keeps going. The energizer donk, keeps donking, and donking, and donking, and donking, and donking...

So I paste part of this to RGP's Diputsur, and he shows up on the rail, and I get some support from another guy at my table:

Diputsur (Observer): I just talked to support, they said a flush beats top set. sorry roller.
snackmix: what are you 12?
snackmix: get over it
Diputsur (Observer): XaQ is right. best 5 card hand. I tried to get you back into the tourney, but they said no.
snackmix: lol
Diputsur (Observer): oh, they also said: nice bluff.

I played in that tournament for another 60-70 minutes after this, and this donk kept showing up on the rail with some stupid comment, no doubt waiting for me to bust. I went out on a gamble, and sure enough he sat there making wisecracks, as if he "owned" me (or "pwned" the word of all cool kids who live in their parents' basements). Sorry loser, time to take out the garbage. Oh yeah, and...nice bluff.

This week: Uber Troll, part 2.

Yours Donkily,

Morphy