The Worst Music Ever – Uber Troll, Part Three

Hello Manifestites! Once again, I welcome you to pull up a chair, put your feet up, and read the lengthy tale of donk as part 3 of the Uber Troll (tm) is unleashed on the world. If you haven’t read part 2 yet, please do so before you continue: The Worst Music Ever – Uber Troll, Part Duh.

When we last left our friend Paul, Rick had given him the bad news that things wouldn’t work out and the Kworbane Stone wasn’t quite ready for consumption by the masses. Rick of course felt bad, but alas, that is the way things go in the music industry.

So a few days later, all of a sudden pops up another lunatic, the Alien Hand guy, who I’ve written about here: Aliens and Thermodonknamics. After a few go-arounds with that guy, my head was spinning so much I didn’t want to have anything at all to do with any more crazy musicians. Or did I? As I was browsing the local music site, I ran across this ad, sure enough, from the lunatic from the Alien blog entry:

Songwriting OpporTun(e)ity
Looking for cooberation songwriting M/F any age. Bias toward headbanger bass laid into rythm in Sb s-ware. Devote time to originals, not music and playing music for fun or profit. Some players post using 'originals' to mean other people's origin or an original part with their instrument- different from one already done. This is a creative task and continuing time spanning and dedication situation so consider what your're getting into.
Some travel to meetings is required.
Extensive prior knowledge and experience is rarely much help but some knowledge of music is helpful. If you read about songwriting and experiment with scales like arabic, gothic, space city and distortion effects, you may like to answer. This is a chance for exposure to the national market, not just the local union musician's life you see on this board all the time.
Referenes not required or wanted. This depends solely on individual's motivation and self discipline.
Theme music for Aleinhand. Alternative anti-traditional world view. Accepting apps till April 7. No resumes needed.

Ok, alright, that’s it. I’ve had it. Let’s whip up an email. On April 6th, I sent this to both the Alien Hand guy as well as Paul:

To Whom It May Concern:

I'm writing based on your ad on Milwaukee Rocks. I am an entertainment individual associated with many high-ranking officials in the music industry.

A few weeks ago I was in touch with Paul of EYE fame. Although we weren't able to work things out at the time, I never lose a contact, and I'm always on the search for musicians and projects that have that extra star quality to them.

Based on my findings, I believe the Alien Hand Project and EYE have several things in common, and deserve to find each other in this musical world that can sometimes be complex and hard to navigate.

Since both emails were made public, I'm including both emails in this email.

I would be honored to represent both of you in your endeavors to make the best, most unique music possible. Please consider this my introduction to both of you, and your introduction to each other, and let's see what we can do to take the music industry by storm. Please consider my offer and let me know your thoughts.

Sincerely,

Rick Choad, Esq.

A week went by with no reply, so I sent out this feeler email to both parties:

Gentlemen, have you had a chance to talk to each other about my email below? This is a hot time in the industry for something new. Let me know asap!

Rick

Sure enough, later that day Paul wrote back. You guys can’t even imagine the excitement one feels when their inbox shows a new message from the likes of Paul. Or maybe you can. Muk had a kidney stone once. I imagine it’s something along those lines.

Hi Rick.

Thanks for the eMail(s).

I have been trying, albeit sporadically, to contact Alien Hand Project. I also had a flood in my basement which I am now remediating with the insurance company and that, along with every other day-to-day chore/task/job, is extremely time-consuming. As you, I am sure, know, Alien Hand Project are in Texas and I am in Wisconsin. I, by no means, see that as a hindrance...just giving you a "heads up".

I will keep trying and keep you informed.

Our first eMail contact (you to me) was 03.15.2007. I still know next to nothing about you except your name (Rick Choad III, Esquire, which I have deduced by now is, more than likely, an "eMail pen name" to cloak your identity) and your eMail address.

I would certainly like to know more about you, your business, etc., and actually speak with you. If you are who you say you are at the level in the industry that you say you are at with the contacts you say you have, I am sure you cloak your identity with an "eMail pen name" to fend off crackpots and stalkers that will not leave you alone with their "lousy" submissions. However, please understand that I am the utmost professional who only surrounds himself with the most mature, intelligent, and professional musicians and individuals that I have had the pleasure to do business with or befriend throughtout my life.

With that said, again, I will continue to try to contact Alien Hand Project. I also look forward to speaking with you and, to that effect, I, once again, will take the first "leap of faith" and include all my contact information. Please call me or let me know where I can call/contact you. At the very least, Rick, let me know more about yourself and your business and your contacts so I can understand the true legitimacy of this whole thing.

I appreciate your time, patience, and continued interest. I, too, have always believed in the world-class quality EYE(tm) has to offer the music world and the listening world and I believe, truly, there is "money in them thar hills, Martha" if we can all get our "shit together".

Telephone me, Rick. Let's rock the world all the way to the bank.

Thanks, again.

Wow, holy shit, where to start here?! For starters, it took him this long to figure out that “Rockin’ Rick Choad” might just be a fake name. The unintentional humor in his email is almost too much to take. He also comes up with this Alien Hand thing in Texas, which I didn’t understand at all. Rock the world all the way to the bank. Umm, righty-o.

A great teacher of mine (billiards teacher actually) once told me that pool players tend to plateau in their pool playing lives, and need something to sort of give them that extra push to start moving upwards to rise above. I’ve adopted this thinking into many things in my life. As a blogger, I’ve come to a point where simple trolling may not be enough anymore. Therefore, I present to you possibly the best email I’ve ever written. Enjoy:

Hi Paul, thanks for your reply.

As for me, at this time I cannot reveal my true identity. It's not that I don't want you to know who I am, but rather that I'm under contractual obligation to keep things somewhat anonymous until the time is right.

In early 2001 a group was formed under direct authority from PolyGram. This group's goal was to be the private detectives of the music world. See, with the advent of the home recording studio and computer based recording software, independent bands can successfully record, produce, and market their music without relying on the benefits a major label can provide. As I'm sure you are aware, this has been hurting the bottom line of the major labels. PolyGram decided they would take this approach, and from what I've been able to find out, the other majors are at it as well.

My job as an independent consultant reporting directly to a major marketing executive at PolyGram, is to find undiscovered talent and present them. Specifically, I'm looking for something new, unique, fresh, that the industry hasn't seen before. The presentation process moves through 4 separate screening levels, 3 of which are above and beyond what anyone "off the street" is even aware of. EYE passed through two of these levels, but stalled on the third, due to issues that we previously discussed. I was a bit set back, but when I saw the Alien Hand Project's posting, I thought there was a possibility to revive the interests involved.

So, I hope you can understand why the need to remain anonymous remains. I rarely give out my contact information other than the various email addresses I use, and due to my extensive travel schedule, I normally use email for 99% of my communiqué. Trust me that I am who I say I am, and that I've already gone a bit over my bounds as far as what I am allowed to tell potential clients. They give us some leeway, so I should be fine.

As for the Alien Hand Project, their advertisement on Milwaukeerocks.com had a city listed as Green Bay. Of course any long time football fan such as myself knows that Green Bay is in Wisconsin. Where did you get the information that they are in Texas? The main reason I ask is because a major competitor of mine is in Texas, and I want to make sure he isn't trying to troll for clients by posting a fake ad.

Thanks again for your time Paul, and once again, it has been a pleasure conversing with you.

Rick

It brings a tear to my eye every time I read it. Or maybe that was the onions I had for lunch. Ah well, who the hell knows. All I do know is that hook, line, and sinker, I’ve bagged a whale…

Hi Rick.

Thanks for all the information. I feel much more confident that I am dealing with "sincerity" and a "true professional of the industry" now. As a professional myself, I certainly appreciate you "feeding" me a little more information than you should...please understand that, from my end, our business is strictly confidential. I also understand the need for anonymity...however, if you feel you want to telephonically discuss anything, feel free to call me and feel free to block your number by using the prefix *67 before you dial my number. That way, none of your information will show up on Caller ID (which I don't have anyway...never saw the use for it).

I, as I mentioned in my previous eMail(s), have to pay the bills and, thus, I work a day job in computers/networking. I build computer infrastructure networks for some of the largest companies in the world. Because of this, I am fairly adept (I hope, by now) at all things "information technology" (including all facets of digital recording). I can trace, track, or hack anything across our wide wide world or our wide wide internet. It is a fairly banal and old hat "thrill" these days but I did trace down the web site of Alien Hand Project and listened to some of their sound bytes.

Alien Hand Project = [link removed]. Based on the textual information on the web site, you have to Google or AnyWho.com some of the venues listed on the web site where Alien Hand Project played and recorded their sound bytes as well as the recording facility(ies) they are using to record on location...you'll come up with areas like Plano, Texas, a suburb of Dallas (I know Plano because my sister is an RN there).

RE: EYE(tm):
Rick, what do you need to convince you that I can sing these songs? I mean, from the four step process you mentioned, is it so "done of a deal" that they refuse to believe I can sing my own music? Or, if I re-record the vocals, will they take another listen? I have no problem continuing to chase down Alien Hand Project but, parallel to that course, I guess I am wondering if the "door" is "shut so tight" or not on EYE(tm). There is no guarantee Alien Hand Project will be amenable to anything. I (or should I write EYE(tm) ;) ), however, am(is) "ripe" and "ready for the picking". Remember, the EYE(tm) vocals are scratch vocals done in one take 14 years ago.

Let me know. In the meantime, I'll continue to chase down the Aliens...close encounters of the "man is it tough to get signed in the music industry" kind! ;D lol
By the by, do you still WANT me to try and get in touch with Alien Hand Project considering I am in Wisconsin and they are a Texas set of musicians? I'm not even quite sure, from what I read, that they are a group...I think Alien Hand Project is just the "loose" Sunday night jam project of one of the members albeit most of them seem adept at their talents. Let me know.

Ciao for now, Rick. Stay in touch.

Game, set, match. Checkmate. He shoots, he scores. Touchdown. High score, and now we move onto the bonus round…

Paul,

Hmm, that is odd about Alien Hand Project. I was under the assumption they were from the Green Bay, WI area. If they are from Texas I don't see what the point is in contacting them, other than to find out why they posted that they are from Green Bay. They haven't replied to any of my inquiries either, which makes me highly suspicious.

As for the songs: are you able to record a new vocal track for Kworbane [purposely misspelled again of course] Stone? Part of what set these guys off was the fact that the vocal track didn't seem very polished. There were obvious mistakes, and even one section where someone was coughing??? I can't guarantee that they will change their minds, but I will do whatever I can to get them to listen to the track again if the vocals are re-done.

I would love to call, but I'm leaving today for a trip overseas to meet one of my bands who is currently touring Europe and Asia. I never can get used to the time differences, so while I may be able to reply to emails, I probably won't be able to get near a phone during a decent hour here in the US. I should be back early next week. If you could get something recorded by then to send my way, that would be excellent.

Rick

I still have this feeling in the back of my mind that he’s going to just stop replying to me. I can’t imagine someone being so dense that they fall for this time and time again. Then again, I have been reading RGP for several years now, and the same childish bickering goes on day after day by people who are old enough to be my parents (and I’m 34 btw), so who knows. Maybe they are that dense?

Part of this whole thing was I wanted him to address why the hell there was a cough in the beginning of the song. It sounds so ridiculous. So I used the mysterious “they” and put the question right out there, almost suggesting that I didn’t have a problem with it, and that “they” were the ones with the issue. Oh, and the Europe/Asia thing is a chess-like strategy move. More on that as things unfold. A few days go by, and my questions are answered:

Rick:

I'll re-do the vocal as soon as I can and re-submit to you. The "coughing" is at the beginning of the song, is intended, and is actually part of the composition...kind of a "Pink Floyd-ish" sound effect. I'm a songwriter/composer Child Of The 70s...what can I say?

I am still going to try and at least make some kind of contact with the Aliens...curiosity, if nothing else. I'll let you know.

Have a safe trip...talk to you soon.

Ciao for now.

I love it. He’s going to re-do the vocals. Here’s where the real test comes in. Has he been messing with me the whole time? Is he really serious about this? A full week went by without hearing anything, so I sent a quick inquiry:

Paul, how are the vocals coming? The group I'm with just finished up their first set here in Tokyo. They would love you here. Good luck!

Rick

Almost immediately I get a reply:

Hi Rick.

Excited to hear things are well in Tokyo.

The vocals are earmarked to be finished EOB Wednesday 04.23.2007. We have some digital transfers to make of the music bed that is taking a bit of time as well as some I/O analogue-to-digital transduction encoding challenges. I'll send the finished product to you just as soon as the new track is complete.

Your eMail arrived Mon 23 Apr 2007 09:41:49aCDT. Tokyo must be 12 hours ahead (behind(?)) if you just finished first set...unless the band is doing a morning gig. I don't know...I've never been to Tokyo. Sounds like a blast, though!

I'll keep you informed...stay in touch and be well.

Of course I’m not an idiot. I checked the time zone in Japan before sending the email, and made sure it was at a believable time. I replied:

Good to hear! This band is rocking right now (I'm on my blackberry). It's just past 1am on the 24th right now. The time zones take a little getting used to.

Good luck with the vocals, and I'm looking forward to hearing them. You said "we"? Do you have a partner you're working with?

Rick

I wanted to make the situation a bit more friendly and less professional, because I think there’s a good chance he’ll actually re-do these vocals, and I can’t even imagine what they would sound like. Unfortunately another week went by without hearing anything, so I shot out another email. I also need to keep coming up with reasons not to call him, and the overseas thing sounds like a good excuse, so I’ll keep using that:

Paul, how are the vocals coming? Looks like my stay abroad is going to last a bit longer than I expected. Just wanted to drop a line before I started my day.

Rick

Ahhh, finally a reply worthy of mentioning. In case you guys haven’t figure it out, our friend Paul likes to write. He loves completely useless details, and he loves shoving a whole slew of them into a single email. Example below:

Hi Rick.

Hope all is well on the other side of the world. What a concept...communicating half a world away instantaneously. So cool. I "day job" in computers and I am still always amazed...!

I need to apologize. I promised the finished track by Wednesday 04.25.2007 but things are running a little longer than expected albeit they are running smoothly. In your last eMail you inquired about the "we". Yes...I am working with my longtime friend, professional "guitar artist" (guitarist), and "man-of-all-things" Gary Jackson [name changed]. Actually, Gary is a wonderful friend and has helped me out in the past and actually helped me during the EYE(tm) year (1993) albeit not with the original recording of "The Kworbane Stone". Gary and I are co-engineering and co-producing this re-recording of "The Kworbane Stone".

Everything is being engineered in the digital realm using SoundTracksPro and GarageBand on an Apple G5. The analogue-to-digital tape dump of the original master tracks from the original master tape of 14 years ago went fine. We had to purchase several pieces of equipment including a Lexicon Omega I/O unit for port matching and analogue-to-digital data transfer into the Apple G5. I am recording the vocals directly into the G5 via the Lexicon unit. The Lexicon unit transduces the input signal from analogue XLR IN to USB OUT to the G5.

I originally didn't know exactly how I was going to "re-sing" the emotion of the song so I started recording a stanza at a time. After a night of that "cheating" (and wasting a night of recording), I decided that was not working at all and I was not happy with the results.

We turned our attention on the music bed tracks. We enhanced all the instrument tracks, doubled the piano (on the original the piano was buried in the mix), and created multiple busses for pulling a production mix of the instrument tracks to sing to.

Next I decided to record ten takes of the vocals straight through...bam..bam..bam. Did seven takes, took a break, did three more takes. I recorded the ending falsetto separate to make sure it was on...hopefully you think so too.

We are now creating a mix of the final vocal track from the ten vocal takes. I have also decided to double the pitch of the melody in the vocal take in real time, i.e., I am layering (doubling) one take on top of another on the vocal. I have also decided to create harmony on the vocal take so you will hear 8va low octave harmony to the main vocal throughout the vocal.

Gary and I are sessioning again tomorrow Monday 04.30.2007 at 0200pCDT until as long as we can go. We have had three recording sessions so far from ~0200pCDT to ~0600aCDT the following morning. This last session tomorrow Monday 04.30.2007 should just about finish it. The final cut should be ready EOB Tuesday 05.01.2007 or, at very latest, EOB Wednesday 05.02.2007 but I am targetting EOB Tuesday 05.01.2007.

BackUps, file administration, and all that computer stuff also takes time. I will let you know where on the web you can listen/download the MP3 or MP4 final cut.

I hope your other bands are "rocking the house". Have a safe trip home...whenever that is. I look forward to you hearing the new rendition of "The Kworbane Stone".

Again, I apologize about the tardiness and the lack of a timely status update.

Let me know if you need anything else or any other information from me.

I will "type at you" in the next couple days.

Stay safe and be well.

Wow. He actually is doing it. He bought some equipment to take a 14 year old analog recording and dump it into the digital world. And sure enough, like most musicians, he can’t leave well enough alone. I, I mean, Rick, asks him to re-do the vocals, and the first thing he does is fuck around with the keyboards. Go Paul, Go!

As a side note, what he doesn’t understand is that while he sees himself being professional by putting in all this extra information in his emails, this is really a turn off to those people who are actual music professionals. They could care less if he spent $200k on a bunch of equipment, or if he spent $50 and recorded it through a 20 year old tape recorder. If the final product sounds good and the song is well-written, they will be interested. Of course, it’s good blog material, so we appreciate the extra details!

I decide at this point to leave him alone for a while and see if he comes back on his own. I decided if I didn’t hear anything in 2 weeks I would call. Fortunately about 6 days later, this came in:

Hi Rick.

We didn't finish on Monday 04.30.2007.
We decided to skip Tuesday 05.01.2007 because of other commitments and get together Wednesday 05.02.2007.
I cancelled Wednesday 05.02.2007...I just needed a night off.

We are sessioning today Thursday 05.03.2007 at 0200pCDT and should finish the mix. I will let you know where on the web you can listen/download the MP3 or MP4 final cut.

Watched an interesting history of Ahmet Ertegun and Atlantic Records on PBS last night.

Hope all is fine...stay safe and be well.

Uhh, wtf? What time did you take a dump each day too Paul, please, let us know? Another 6 days go by:

Hi Rick.

We finished a final *.cda mix (CD Audio file) last Friday 05.04.2007, burned some sampler CDs, and listened on several playback devices including car stereos, home stereos, etc. However, the final mastered level for the *.cda file was approximately 2/3 of what it should have been, i.e., the final signal was just not "hot" albeit SoundTracksPro showed normalization of the file at the "hottest" signal possible. We are going to have to re-compress the final mix (possibly several times) and re-normalize the final mix (possibly several times) to achieve mastered-level final signal, i.e., we are working around the anomalies of the software. It is curious that we are having this trouble considering SoundTracksPro is a subset of ProTools, the standard in audio recording software, and a plug-in to and of Final Cut Pro, the standard in video/audio editting software.

We also have to convert the *.cda to MP3 or MP4 format and upload to my web site where you can listen/download.

Last week, Rick, believe it or not, both my ears closed up on me and I could not hear much of anything. Also, believe it or not, at the same time, I contracted laryngitis. So, basically, I lost both my hearing and my voice. Luckily, this was at the end of the mixdown. I basically mixed and mastered with only one ear half open and with no voice. I have been diagnosed with impacted earwax in both ears and the doctors have managed to open up one ear back to 100% and are working on the other ear which, right now, is totally closed up. My next doctor appointment is Thursday 05.10.2007. My voice is still rough with laryngitis but it is slowly coming back. While doing basic lab work during my doctor visit they also found blood in my urine. Believe me, I am asking myself, WHAT THE FUCK?!

I haven't a clue where any of this came from.

Although all these happenings may sound like coincidental excuses for a tardy submission, please understand they are not. All this stuff REALLY happened. Ridiculously, it was like some cosmic force was constantly pushing us back as we continually pushed forward. It is almost like a legion of demons nipping at my heels as I try to move forward with this project and opportunity.

Now Gary is on some out-of-town live sound gigs until Monday 05.14.2007 and he has the G5 computer with him. We won't be getting together again until early next week, the week of 05.13.2007.

Again, I am sorry regarding the delay(s).

I will keep you informed.

Stay safe and be well, wherever you are now.

Yes Paul, WHAT THE FUCK indeed. Wow is the best way to summarize all of that.

So we’ve come to the end of part 3. What will happen to Paul? Will his voice come back in time to finish the recording? Will his ears open up? Will it matter? Will he get his CDA to MP3 or MP4 on the G5 PDQ, or will we be SOL? Stay tuned for the next (and final?) episode.

Yours Donkily,

Morphy