The Worst Music Ever – Uber Troll, Part FFS

Alright Manifestites, I hope this blog post finds you well. This is it, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Throughout the journey that has been the Uber Troll (tm), I’ve taken you through a wonderful adventure filled with magic, danger, a dash of WTF, and a huge helping of the worst music ever created. It is time for this series of postings to culminate to something extraordinary.

When we last left our hero in waiting, Paul was still working on putting together the new version of the Kworbane Stone. He had overcome much adversity including floods, laryngitis, and severely impacted ear wax. As you readers I’m sure agree, I, I mean Rick, was sitting in high anticipation of what would come next. Would there really be a song with new vocals on it? Is Paul running the most elaborate troll ever? It’s time to answer those questions folks. Sit back and grab your earplugs. You’ll need them.

Hi Rick.

Hope all is well.

The Kworbane Stone MP3 (ReMix) is finished and ready. You can listen to The Kworbane Stone MP3 (ReMix) MP3 by either downloading or streaming the MP3 from:

http://tinyurl.com/358jcb

Download or stream:
THE KWORBANE STONE
MP3 (ReMix)
(ReMix Produced And Engineered By: Paul [Paul’s middle/last names] And Gary [Gary’s last name]).

If you would like to visit the EYE(tm) WebSite in its entirety, please visit:

http://tinyurl.com/2pr8sw, then...

Roll your mouse over the lower right corner of the EYE home page.
A revolving EYE(tm) insignia will appear.
Left-click-once on this revolving EYE(tm) insignia.
The EYE(tm) pyramid will build.
Then, a much larger EYE(tm) insignia will make one rotation and stop.
After the single rotation of the much larger EYE(tm) insignia, left-click-once on this larger EYE(tm) insignia.
You will be directed to the EYE(tm) Master Home Page, presently under construction.
At the bottom of the EYE(tm) Master Home Page will be an "EYE(tm) Music Sound Bytes" link.
This link will lead you to the EYE(tm) songs.

You can reach the EYE(tm) pyramid directly at
http://tinyurl.com/2uqd2h
You can reach the EYE(tm) Master Home Page directly at
http://tinyurl.com/2ubqlx
You can reach the EYE(tm) songs directly at
http://tinyurl.com/35adz9

I apologize for the missed target dates and the tardiness. It has been somewhat of a grueling last couple of weeks for us back here.

I certainly hope this is what PolyGram/Universal is seeking. I look forward to communicating with you further regarding their reaction. I also look forward to a continued business relationship with yourself, your firm, and/or PolyGram/Universal.

Thanks for all the time, patience, and consideration.

Take care, stay safe, and be well.

So there it is. It isn’t enough to give out a link to the worst song ever written, recorded, then re-mixed. He has to give links to 37 different places on his web site, all of which are trademarked of course. Assuming I haven’t killed off my entire readership base with some super hi-tech aural virus, you have likely just listened to the re-mix of the Kworbane Stone and are likely staring at your screen wondering how the hell anyone could put time and effort into THAT, and present it to others to listen to.

Now I have a strange situation. I’ve strung this guy along so far, I just can’t laugh at him and leave a P5’s (that’s a poker forum full of kids) like response such as “HAHAHA PWNED YOU!!!!!!!!!1111ONE”. I definitely need to put an end to this, but I need to do so in a way that is believable, and well, since I’m trolling, a few more pieces of blog material wouldn’t hurt much, would they? I’ve been roughly planning my escape since fairly early on in the communiqué chain, so I decided to start down the road where there is no Kworbane Stone:

HI Paul,

My apologies for not getting back to you sooner. I've had some pretty life changing experiences on the other side of the world. I met a girl in Japan and fell in love, and we got married last week. We are now taking a honeymoon through Europe and are in London as I write this.

My secretary contacted me to send me your song that she downloaded for me. The entire office was laughing and I feared the worst. Paul, I don't know how to say this, but my only hopes are that the ear problems you wrote about are still there, and you weren't able to properly hear the final vocal takes. I have to say Paul, these vocals are worse than the originals! I can tell you are a very talented musician, which is what caught my ear originally, but if I may be blunt, you just aren't a singer. There are certain tones to your voice that are harsh and unappealing, and take away from the brilliant music that makes up the Kworbane Stone. I would be a fool to present this to my superiors.

I have to ask this: have you considered getting another vocalist, or do you feel we've come to the end of the road in our musical business relationship?

Rick

I left it somewhat open because I felt putting a blunt end to this would be too sudden, and he might catch on, although in retrospect that’s somewhat silly based on what he’s already done. What I said in the email is true, Paul has musical talents. He can’t sing, but his songwriting and composition skills are at least to the point where you can tell he can play. He can’t play anything anyone wants to listen to, but as far as pure raw talent for the instruments, he can play. But when the final product is something as god-awful as the Kworbane Stone, I felt it was my duty to crush it with a mighty hammer. And crushed it was! Muahahahaha.

I waited for over a week and received no response, so this is where I planned on ending the series of posts. I’ll leave you for now, to ponder how this saga ends, and to enjoy the fruits of Paul’s labor: Kworbane Stone, the re-mix. Enjoy!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy