The Worst Music Ever – Uber Troll, Part Duh

Hello Manifestites! The response was pretty good to the first part of this post, so I wanted to plan out the rest carefully. If you haven’t read the first part, please do so now: The Worst Music Ever – Uber Troll, Part 1. I apologize in advance for the length of these posts, but man, Paul can sure write. This fucker will spend god knows how long to write 3 pages full of totally useless details to finally end the email with the one piece of information that you were looking for.

So we last left our friend Paul sometime in 2004. Every year or so Pogo and I would see or hear of a reference to him somewhere in the local music scene and get a laugh out of it. He was immortalized in the losers file (which I won’t be posting here, but will email it to those who request it and can receive a 6Mb mp3 file), and forever made fun of.

Fast forward to early this year, when I started a new job with a fellow bassist we’ll call Jim deLundgren, at his request. In the first few days we got to talking about our musical experiences, and I played him the losers file. He laughed at the end and said “hey, I know that guy!” and told me of his brief run in with Paul. We laughed about it, and a few days later we were both put into a nightmare situation at a nightmare client. Well, Jim being the prankster that he was, decided to grab a copy of the Kworbane Stone (again, misspelled on purpose here), and play little 3 second clips of it every 2 minutes for weeks on end. A few searches also showed that Paul was still looking to put a band together. After about 47 times an hour of hearing that falsetto voice butcher all those notes, I couldn’t take it anymore, and had to focus my misery at someone else. Who better than the author himself? So I decided to create my first ever fake persona, and send him an email. I’ll be changing names and spellings again in these emails, but I won’t be losing any content.

From: Rockin’ Rick
To: Paul

Subject: Kworbane Stone [I purposely spelled Kworbane wrong here to see what he would do]

Dear Mr. [Paul’s last name]:

I represent a small entertainment publishing firm with direct contacts to some of the biggest labels in the industry.

My associates and I just finished listening to your song, Kworbane Stone [again spelled wrong, but different than the spelling in the subject], and were just blown away. The phrasing and musicality present were simply amazing, and the way the vocals and guitar worked together make this song leaps and bounds above most of the submissions we receive.

The best thing for you is that you've done all the leg-work with getting your band name and ideas trademarked. We are seriously one step away from a major label signing. I would be personally honored if you let me represent you in your quest for ultimate music stardom. Please email me at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,

Rick Choad

Even better here, as I’m writing this, Jim is laughing his ass off. There’s no way this guy can take “Rick” seriously, can he? To end it, I had to come up with a last name. Hmm, what to use? Yeah, let’s use choad! Note that Rick isn’t the real name I used in the emails, but the last name is the same with an altered spelling. Remember that Paul is the guy who trademarks EVERYTHING. I mean everything. His band name, his email signature, writing style, how he describes his band, everything. I played right into that, and the sarcasm is just dripping here. No one will think that I’m serious now, right?

From: Paul
To: Rick

Subject: REGARDING: RE: The Kworbane Stone [ok here he didn’t just hit reply and let the email software put the “Re:” in, he actually typed out “REGARDING” and then “RE:” in caps. Oh yeah, he also misspelled the name of his own song.]


Hi Rick.

Thank you for the compliment(s) and wonderful feedback on what is onepiece in an ongoing body of work that is lifelong in the making. There is much much more where "The Kworbane Stone" came from.

You are correct when you write that everything I create, produce, and make is protected by copyrights, trademarks, etc. Everything from the name of the group EYE(tm) [see link to PDF file from previous blog post for correct spelling. I’ll be changing it throughout] (pronounced "eye") to the artworks, symbols,emblems, monikers, song titles, music, lyrics, category descriptor(s), collateral, etc. of EYE(tm)---all is protected and has been for many years now.

I would be very interested in speaking with you regarding who you are and what you represent. In the "jungle" of the entertainment world (of which I have spent a lifetime) I am sure you, as a professional, can understand I need to know who you are, what is the name of your company, what and who do you represent, what is the URL (domain address) of your web site, what labels do you have business relationships and/or affiliations with, etc., etc., etc.---questions, questions, always questions ;) .

Please respond to this eMail with your thoughts on arranging a teleconference to begin exploratory discussions.

Again, I want to verily thank you for your kind and proactive words and I look forward to speaking with you.

Yup, typical Paul. Blah blah blah, let’s talk on the phone. He also came right out to ask what company “Rick” was with and every piece of information possible. Yah. Not gonna happen there buddy! Here’s another piece of funny information, his email signature. I have to butcher a lot of it, but he includes this whole mess at the bottom of each email. I won’t include it in every one, but just leave it here once to see how detailed it is:

--
Onward...(tm)
--
Paul [his middle and last names]
EYE(tm)
eMail1: [his email address]

WARNING:
This eMail contains personal, private, and/or confidential information. Any recipient(s) of this eMail other than the intended recipient(s) should ignore and immediately and permanently delete this eMail. If this eMail is received by any recipient(s) other than the recipient(s) to whom this eMail was intentionally and originally sent, any action other than immediate deletion of this eMail by unintended recipient(s) shall be construed as unlawful, investigated, and, where applicable, prosecuted. The information transmitted in this eMail is intended only for the person/entity to which it is addressed and this eMail may contain confidential and/or privileged material. If you are NOT the intended recipient(s) of this eMail please do not read, copy, use, or disclose this communication, and notify the sender immediately. It should be noted that any review, re-transmission, dissemination, or other use of, or taking action or reliance upon, this information by persons/entities other than the intended recipient(s) is prohibited.

Yeah, umm. Wow. So now I need to reply. I mean, “Rick” needs to reply. I’m certainly not interested in making up fake company names at this point, because I don’t even know how far this will go. I mean, this guy is going to see right through this, right? So let’s write something completely ridiculous and see what he does. Note that I knew previously that he “was the singer of the songs,” but chose to be ignorant of that fact in the email:

From: Rick
To: Paul

Hi Paul, can I call you Paul? I have a bit of somewhat negative news, but I think we can put a positive spin on this.

This morning I met with a group of record executives that also happen to be MENSA members at a local MENSA meeting. I want to be totally up front with you that I feel your music is above what the average music listener is capable of comprehending and digesting. This is why I thought the MENSA chapter here would be a perfect sounding board.

Most of the members were very interested in hearing what I had to play them, because they are all musicians and composers as well. Unfortunately, we all came to the same conclusion: the singer has to go. The beauty of the music is ruined by the timbre of the vocalist, especially when your singer uses his falsetto voice.

Is there any way you can re-record this song with a different singer and send it to me for re-submission? I hate to be so critical, but in a world where everyone is a critic, I don't think this music will go anywhere with sub-par vocals. You owe it to yourself as an artist to not settle for sub-standard performances on your recordings.

Please let me know what you think. Thanks, and God bless.

Rick

MENSA, God bless, man I crack myself up. Surely he will see right through this and either go off on me or just ignore it all together, right?

From: Paul
To: Rick

Subject: REGARDING: Paul [his middle and last names], EYE(tm), The Kworbane Stone, etc.

Hi Rick.

Again, thank you very much for your kind consideration, time, and help.

Certainly you may call me Paul...if I may call you Rick.

When I was young, the very first Led Zeppelin album I ever listened to was "Houses Of The Holy". The very first listen, I could not see what all my friends were making such a fuss over. I thought the music and vocals were both weird and bad. By the third listen of the album, however, I realized how fantastic the compositions, melodies, and performances really were.

The first time I ever heard Jackson Browne I thought he was not a very good singer...and I wondered how he managed to get "signed". With his attachment to The Eagles (at the time), I wanted to understand more about Browne. Again, in a short order, I realized how truly profound Jackson Browne, his compositions, and his performances really were and are.

I could reference dozens more examples like this in my own personal musical odyssey. I am sure that you, too, have probably experienced this "phenomenon" of slowly growing to realize an artist's potential, if not their genius...most people have.

In 1993 I was offered a record contract offer from a subsidiary of Atlantic Records. I turned it down thinking I could obtain something better. In 1995 (or 1996) I received a production artist development offer from a known Nashville producer based on "The Kworbane Stone" and another song I submitted to him, "Ecksigesis". I, again, thought something better was "down the pike" and declined. Now, here I am. Both offers wanted to shape and influence what was already there without major replacements of any kind.

I am the singer on the songs.

Let me explain.

I have been in music since I was 4 years old. I am 45...an extremely young, younger-appearing-and-acting, energetic, and still hopeful 45. I was born in 1961. My entire life has always moved towards one simple goal. I wanted to make a life out of music. From the time I heard my first song and artist (Burt Bacharach...what a talent) at 4 years old, I have never been able to stop this drive, this compulsion, this hope, this dream (some say this demon).

My entire musical life has been bands, stages, gigs, recordings, studio work, building mobile studios to accomplish my goal, etc. I also hold separate degrees in MIS (computers), Finance, and BITUS. I work my day job specifically in computers (IT Manager, IT Project Manager, and IT/NetWorking/InfraStructure Engineer...I have to pay the bills). I, too, have been tested and determined as a genius IQ although I doubt if my IQ is as high as the individuals you mentioned at MENSA. I had never heard of MENSA until last week when I met a woman on the internet. She is in Naples, Florida and I am in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. She "turned me on" to MENSA and stated that I should look into joining MENSA. By an extremely strange coincidence, only a week later, you reference MENSA in your eMail. Cosmic...I guess.

In 1993, I culminated my entire musical life up to 1993 by taking an entire year off of my life. I recruited a studio band, leased a residence, built a studio, and decided, once and for all, I was going to "go for the gold". The EYE(tm) year (as it has come to be known) termed from 12.01.1992 through 11.31.2003, inclusive. EYE(tm) the band and EYE(tm) the name was actually "freeborn" during late Summer 1992. There were two simple goals of the EYE(tm) year: number one, to have a record contract offer "signed, sealed, and delivered" by the end of the EYE(tm)year and, number two, to be on tour, any tour, by the end of the EYE(tm)year (it could have been a three day tour...anything). It was these two simple and over-riding goals that drove myself and the group that I led. We spent most of the year writing, rehearsing, and recording...basically "woodshedding" as it is known in the music industry. I wrote pretty much all of the material. I arranged,produced, and engineered pretty much all of the material. As the months went by, one member after another dropped citing that music had turned into "work" and wasn't "fun" any more. No matter how hard I tried to convince each individual that "making it" IS work and sometimes NOT fun,they would not be swayed from their decisions. By the Fall of 1993 I was left to finish the project myself. Luckily, my wonderful lifelong musician friend Garrett assisted me to the end of the EYE(tm) year. It is during the EYE(tm) year, as I sent out one promotional package after another, as I flew to Los Angeles multiple times to "peddle my wares",as I met people like Joey Church from Virgin Records, Irving Azoff (The Eagles manager), Mike Varny from Magna Carta (a wonderful guy dedicated to promoting talent...had multiple lengthy wonderful conversation with Mike Varny), and others, that I received the offer from a subsidiary of Atlantic.

You can see (and hear) some of what is "EYE(tm)-posted" on the internet by visiting [Morphy’s note: I removed the web link here because I want you to read this and experience this in the order that it was meant to be presented. Bear with me. It’s worth it.] and rolling your mouse over the lower right corner of your screen. Left-click-once on the spinning EYE(tm) symbol. This will take you to the EYE(tm) pyramid. After the second larger EYE(tm) symbol stops spinning, left-click-once on it. You will enter the EYE(tm) web site DEFINITELY still under construction.
However, towards the bottom, there is a link to EYE(tm) sound bytes. At this sound bytes page you will find links to MP3s, lyric *.PDFs, credit *.PDFs, engineering explanations, etc.

"The Kworbane Stone" and many other songs were written and recorded in 1993. For the entire year, I used a Fostex four-track CASSETTE TAPE multi-track recorder (one appliance among MANY innovations and equipments used). On some of the songs, I turned that Fostex four-track CASSETTE TAPE multi-track recorder into a 40 track multi-track recorder through the careful art of "ping-pong" recording and "anal-retentive" producing and engineering. Some of my musician friends state that, to this day, I am the only person they know that has ever pushed the limits on a four-track CASSETTE TAPE multi-track recorder to such an "edge".

What is my point in all this? "The Kworbane Stone" was written, basic tracked, recorded, editted, mixed, and finished all in one day. I played and did everything. The vocal track on "The Kworbane Stone" (as well as most of the EYE(tm) songs presently) was completed in ONE TAKE and was probably never meant to be a final take...not by any "stretch of the imagination". The present vocal takes on EYE(tm) songs can be construed as more than "scratch" takes but less than final takes.

When one looks at absolutely horrific singers and bands like Gordon Gano and The Violent Femmes who have had worldwide success or even great artists like Mark Knopfler of Dire Straits, Van Morrison, Bob Seger, and even Geddy Lee of Rush (who some say sounds like a strangled witch), whose voices are "unique" if nothing else, one can realize that there are myraid types and kinds of vocal "expressionisms" that can and are hugely saleable and successful.

I never wanted to be a "lone" artist like Billy Joel, Prince, Bruce Hornsby, Elton John, etc. Although I have been with more bands on more stages at more gigs and in more studios than I care to remember, I always wanted EYE(tm) to be a group of synergistic musicians like Yes or Genesis or ELO or...you get "the drift". EYE(tm) has become a concept and group owned by me simply because I have never been able to re-organize the right musicians into the right entity that I hear in my head 25 hours per day. Any number of my musician friends call me "The Visionary" and tell me I SHOULD just do everything myself, i.e., become another Elton John, Billy Joel, etc. I don't know...I am still trying to figure that all out. I do not ever give up, though, on my dream(s) and my visions(s) of what I would like to eventually build.

That brings us to the present. The little smattering of history I just wrote for you is missing many many details that, at this point, are not as relevant as what is happening now. Maybe, someday, we will meet and I will tell you the entire story of a dreamer, broken again and again, only to keep rising and trying. "Corny", but true.

I need to sing EYE(tm). It has been 14 years since keeping the very first vocal take on "The Kworbane Stone". I have sung in many bands before 1993 and since 1993. I have sang in choirs of which presently I sing in a Tridentine Gregorian and Polyphony choir singing both Gregorian Chant and Polyphony for our Roman Catholic Latin Masses here in Milwaukee. I am also rehearsing for my second audition with The Milwaukee Symphony Chorus. This is a "mountain" I want and need to "conquer".

What I am trying to write is the hope that you, like I, will listen to the EYE(tm) material more than a few times and try to see what can be, not necessarily what is right now. I am very open-minded and your suggestions are certainly under advisement but I am also asking you to think in what I "moniker" as "three-dimensional thinking" regarding the possibilites. Although I am a classically trained pianist and a jazz trained guitartist, I am a "street taught" singer...everything I know I have taught myself from listening to the voices and inflections of those singers I wanted to emulate such as Phil Collins and Gino Vannelli for power, Peter Gabriel and Mark Knopfler for soul, etc...the influences are endless.

Both Atlantic Records in 1993 and Kenny Rogers' engineer and producer in 1996 recognized something was there. I am asking you to try and recognize the same.

After a lifetime of trying, I NEED to accomplish this. I don't know if I can "turn it over" to someone else. I KNOW I can do it even if I am not "there" yet.

After a lifetime of studying the business side of what I consider(ed) "The Masters" in the Rock genre (Genesis, SuperTramp, Yes, King Crimson, ELO, Boston, FleetWood Mac, The Eagles, Rush, Deep Purple, etc....you know...), two simple things seemed to be common. Number one, most of "The Masters" hit on the fourth album release and, number two, ALL "The Masters" found a representative (manager, agent, etc.) that truly, TRULY believed in them even if they, "The Masters", weren't fully polished
yet. That representative believed in the artist(s) as artist(s) as well as a "cash cow".

I am asking you to believe in me. If you are who you say you are, believe in me...I will not disappoint you. Give the music more listens, play it for a cross-section of more people, etc. I also know that many elements HAVE to be re-recorded in a more professional environment which I am presently building albeit not done yet. It takes money and, much more crucial, time.

You are correct when you refer to "a world where everyone is a critic". Yet, each critic is also a potential buyer and, as many potential buyers as you have, therein you also have that many different and varied tastes and opinions, each one looking to purchase what appeals to their unique tastes and opinions. How would you otherwise explain away Ella Fitzgerald selling right alongside Ozzy Osbourne?

As always, Rick, your interest is inspirational and I thank you for that. I still don't know anything about you and I think it would be very advantageous for us to at least speak via telephone. To that end, although I don't know you, I am going to be the first to take a "leap of faith" and include my contact information. I think we should talk.

Thanks for all, Rick, and I await your response and call. The interest you have shown and the time you have invested are priceless to me...more than you know.

Thanks again.

Yikes. My first thoughts were holy shit, what did I just get myself into here? I mean, I knew the guy liked to write, and I knew he liked to babble on, and I knew he thought his music was the greatest ever, but what I just read made me think I was reading some journal from an escaped mental patient. Scary shit. He included his full name, home address with zip code, phone number, email, etc. I decided right then to end it and just brush him off. How the hell do you reply to something like that? Ok, let’s just get it over with:

From: Rick
To: Paul

Dear Mr. [Paul’s last name]:

At this time we are unable to pursue a contractual arrangement with the current submission. If you decide to change your mind and pursue another vocalist, please contact me for a new submission form, and we can try again.

Thanks for your time and interest, and I wish you well.

Rick

I figured he would ignore this and not reply, or reply with something snippy, but instead:

From: Paul
To: Rick

Rick:

As always, the interest you have shown is quite heartening. I understand your decision(s) as I am sure you respect mine. I, too, welcome your communique in the event you have a change of heart regarding your synopsis and determination.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step." -Confucious
"Rejection offends ignorance...and inspires intelligence." -A. Wisch

Again, thank you.

So there we have it, the end of part 2. Change of heart on my part? Yeah, we'll get to that in part 3. There are at least 2 more parts to this seemingly never-ending tale. Look for more parts soon. On a parting note, I leave you with the musical masterpiece that is “Ecksigesis” [spelled wrong, of course]. Enjoy!

http://tinyurl.com/2l6qah

Yours Donkily,

Morphy