The Worst Music Ever – Uber Troll, Part Three

Hello Manifestites! Once again, I welcome you to pull up a chair, put your feet up, and read the lengthy tale of donk as part 3 of the Uber Troll (tm) is unleashed on the world. If you haven’t read part 2 yet, please do so before you continue: The Worst Music Ever – Uber Troll, Part Duh.

When we last left our friend Paul, Rick had given him the bad news that things wouldn’t work out and the Kworbane Stone wasn’t quite ready for consumption by the masses. Rick of course felt bad, but alas, that is the way things go in the music industry.

So a few days later, all of a sudden pops up another lunatic, the Alien Hand guy, who I’ve written about here: Aliens and Thermodonknamics. After a few go-arounds with that guy, my head was spinning so much I didn’t want to have anything at all to do with any more crazy musicians. Or did I? As I was browsing the local music site, I ran across this ad, sure enough, from the lunatic from the Alien blog entry:

Songwriting OpporTun(e)ity
Looking for cooberation songwriting M/F any age. Bias toward headbanger bass laid into rythm in Sb s-ware. Devote time to originals, not music and playing music for fun or profit. Some players post using 'originals' to mean other people's origin or an original part with their instrument- different from one already done. This is a creative task and continuing time spanning and dedication situation so consider what your're getting into.
Some travel to meetings is required.
Extensive prior knowledge and experience is rarely much help but some knowledge of music is helpful. If you read about songwriting and experiment with scales like arabic, gothic, space city and distortion effects, you may like to answer. This is a chance for exposure to the national market, not just the local union musician's life you see on this board all the time.
Referenes not required or wanted. This depends solely on individual's motivation and self discipline.
Theme music for Aleinhand. Alternative anti-traditional world view. Accepting apps till April 7. No resumes needed.

Ok, alright, that’s it. I’ve had it. Let’s whip up an email. On April 6th, I sent this to both the Alien Hand guy as well as Paul:

To Whom It May Concern:

I'm writing based on your ad on Milwaukee Rocks. I am an entertainment individual associated with many high-ranking officials in the music industry.

A few weeks ago I was in touch with Paul of EYE fame. Although we weren't able to work things out at the time, I never lose a contact, and I'm always on the search for musicians and projects that have that extra star quality to them.

Based on my findings, I believe the Alien Hand Project and EYE have several things in common, and deserve to find each other in this musical world that can sometimes be complex and hard to navigate.

Since both emails were made public, I'm including both emails in this email.

I would be honored to represent both of you in your endeavors to make the best, most unique music possible. Please consider this my introduction to both of you, and your introduction to each other, and let's see what we can do to take the music industry by storm. Please consider my offer and let me know your thoughts.

Sincerely,

Rick Choad, Esq.

A week went by with no reply, so I sent out this feeler email to both parties:

Gentlemen, have you had a chance to talk to each other about my email below? This is a hot time in the industry for something new. Let me know asap!

Rick

Sure enough, later that day Paul wrote back. You guys can’t even imagine the excitement one feels when their inbox shows a new message from the likes of Paul. Or maybe you can. Muk had a kidney stone once. I imagine it’s something along those lines.

Hi Rick.

Thanks for the eMail(s).

I have been trying, albeit sporadically, to contact Alien Hand Project. I also had a flood in my basement which I am now remediating with the insurance company and that, along with every other day-to-day chore/task/job, is extremely time-consuming. As you, I am sure, know, Alien Hand Project are in Texas and I am in Wisconsin. I, by no means, see that as a hindrance...just giving you a "heads up".

I will keep trying and keep you informed.

Our first eMail contact (you to me) was 03.15.2007. I still know next to nothing about you except your name (Rick Choad III, Esquire, which I have deduced by now is, more than likely, an "eMail pen name" to cloak your identity) and your eMail address.

I would certainly like to know more about you, your business, etc., and actually speak with you. If you are who you say you are at the level in the industry that you say you are at with the contacts you say you have, I am sure you cloak your identity with an "eMail pen name" to fend off crackpots and stalkers that will not leave you alone with their "lousy" submissions. However, please understand that I am the utmost professional who only surrounds himself with the most mature, intelligent, and professional musicians and individuals that I have had the pleasure to do business with or befriend throughtout my life.

With that said, again, I will continue to try to contact Alien Hand Project. I also look forward to speaking with you and, to that effect, I, once again, will take the first "leap of faith" and include all my contact information. Please call me or let me know where I can call/contact you. At the very least, Rick, let me know more about yourself and your business and your contacts so I can understand the true legitimacy of this whole thing.

I appreciate your time, patience, and continued interest. I, too, have always believed in the world-class quality EYE(tm) has to offer the music world and the listening world and I believe, truly, there is "money in them thar hills, Martha" if we can all get our "shit together".

Telephone me, Rick. Let's rock the world all the way to the bank.

Thanks, again.

Wow, holy shit, where to start here?! For starters, it took him this long to figure out that “Rockin’ Rick Choad” might just be a fake name. The unintentional humor in his email is almost too much to take. He also comes up with this Alien Hand thing in Texas, which I didn’t understand at all. Rock the world all the way to the bank. Umm, righty-o.

A great teacher of mine (billiards teacher actually) once told me that pool players tend to plateau in their pool playing lives, and need something to sort of give them that extra push to start moving upwards to rise above. I’ve adopted this thinking into many things in my life. As a blogger, I’ve come to a point where simple trolling may not be enough anymore. Therefore, I present to you possibly the best email I’ve ever written. Enjoy:

Hi Paul, thanks for your reply.

As for me, at this time I cannot reveal my true identity. It's not that I don't want you to know who I am, but rather that I'm under contractual obligation to keep things somewhat anonymous until the time is right.

In early 2001 a group was formed under direct authority from PolyGram. This group's goal was to be the private detectives of the music world. See, with the advent of the home recording studio and computer based recording software, independent bands can successfully record, produce, and market their music without relying on the benefits a major label can provide. As I'm sure you are aware, this has been hurting the bottom line of the major labels. PolyGram decided they would take this approach, and from what I've been able to find out, the other majors are at it as well.

My job as an independent consultant reporting directly to a major marketing executive at PolyGram, is to find undiscovered talent and present them. Specifically, I'm looking for something new, unique, fresh, that the industry hasn't seen before. The presentation process moves through 4 separate screening levels, 3 of which are above and beyond what anyone "off the street" is even aware of. EYE passed through two of these levels, but stalled on the third, due to issues that we previously discussed. I was a bit set back, but when I saw the Alien Hand Project's posting, I thought there was a possibility to revive the interests involved.

So, I hope you can understand why the need to remain anonymous remains. I rarely give out my contact information other than the various email addresses I use, and due to my extensive travel schedule, I normally use email for 99% of my communiqué. Trust me that I am who I say I am, and that I've already gone a bit over my bounds as far as what I am allowed to tell potential clients. They give us some leeway, so I should be fine.

As for the Alien Hand Project, their advertisement on Milwaukeerocks.com had a city listed as Green Bay. Of course any long time football fan such as myself knows that Green Bay is in Wisconsin. Where did you get the information that they are in Texas? The main reason I ask is because a major competitor of mine is in Texas, and I want to make sure he isn't trying to troll for clients by posting a fake ad.

Thanks again for your time Paul, and once again, it has been a pleasure conversing with you.

Rick

It brings a tear to my eye every time I read it. Or maybe that was the onions I had for lunch. Ah well, who the hell knows. All I do know is that hook, line, and sinker, I’ve bagged a whale…

Hi Rick.

Thanks for all the information. I feel much more confident that I am dealing with "sincerity" and a "true professional of the industry" now. As a professional myself, I certainly appreciate you "feeding" me a little more information than you should...please understand that, from my end, our business is strictly confidential. I also understand the need for anonymity...however, if you feel you want to telephonically discuss anything, feel free to call me and feel free to block your number by using the prefix *67 before you dial my number. That way, none of your information will show up on Caller ID (which I don't have anyway...never saw the use for it).

I, as I mentioned in my previous eMail(s), have to pay the bills and, thus, I work a day job in computers/networking. I build computer infrastructure networks for some of the largest companies in the world. Because of this, I am fairly adept (I hope, by now) at all things "information technology" (including all facets of digital recording). I can trace, track, or hack anything across our wide wide world or our wide wide internet. It is a fairly banal and old hat "thrill" these days but I did trace down the web site of Alien Hand Project and listened to some of their sound bytes.

Alien Hand Project = [link removed]. Based on the textual information on the web site, you have to Google or AnyWho.com some of the venues listed on the web site where Alien Hand Project played and recorded their sound bytes as well as the recording facility(ies) they are using to record on location...you'll come up with areas like Plano, Texas, a suburb of Dallas (I know Plano because my sister is an RN there).

RE: EYE(tm):
Rick, what do you need to convince you that I can sing these songs? I mean, from the four step process you mentioned, is it so "done of a deal" that they refuse to believe I can sing my own music? Or, if I re-record the vocals, will they take another listen? I have no problem continuing to chase down Alien Hand Project but, parallel to that course, I guess I am wondering if the "door" is "shut so tight" or not on EYE(tm). There is no guarantee Alien Hand Project will be amenable to anything. I (or should I write EYE(tm) ;) ), however, am(is) "ripe" and "ready for the picking". Remember, the EYE(tm) vocals are scratch vocals done in one take 14 years ago.

Let me know. In the meantime, I'll continue to chase down the Aliens...close encounters of the "man is it tough to get signed in the music industry" kind! ;D lol
By the by, do you still WANT me to try and get in touch with Alien Hand Project considering I am in Wisconsin and they are a Texas set of musicians? I'm not even quite sure, from what I read, that they are a group...I think Alien Hand Project is just the "loose" Sunday night jam project of one of the members albeit most of them seem adept at their talents. Let me know.

Ciao for now, Rick. Stay in touch.

Game, set, match. Checkmate. He shoots, he scores. Touchdown. High score, and now we move onto the bonus round…

Paul,

Hmm, that is odd about Alien Hand Project. I was under the assumption they were from the Green Bay, WI area. If they are from Texas I don't see what the point is in contacting them, other than to find out why they posted that they are from Green Bay. They haven't replied to any of my inquiries either, which makes me highly suspicious.

As for the songs: are you able to record a new vocal track for Kworbane [purposely misspelled again of course] Stone? Part of what set these guys off was the fact that the vocal track didn't seem very polished. There were obvious mistakes, and even one section where someone was coughing??? I can't guarantee that they will change their minds, but I will do whatever I can to get them to listen to the track again if the vocals are re-done.

I would love to call, but I'm leaving today for a trip overseas to meet one of my bands who is currently touring Europe and Asia. I never can get used to the time differences, so while I may be able to reply to emails, I probably won't be able to get near a phone during a decent hour here in the US. I should be back early next week. If you could get something recorded by then to send my way, that would be excellent.

Rick

I still have this feeling in the back of my mind that he’s going to just stop replying to me. I can’t imagine someone being so dense that they fall for this time and time again. Then again, I have been reading RGP for several years now, and the same childish bickering goes on day after day by people who are old enough to be my parents (and I’m 34 btw), so who knows. Maybe they are that dense?

Part of this whole thing was I wanted him to address why the hell there was a cough in the beginning of the song. It sounds so ridiculous. So I used the mysterious “they” and put the question right out there, almost suggesting that I didn’t have a problem with it, and that “they” were the ones with the issue. Oh, and the Europe/Asia thing is a chess-like strategy move. More on that as things unfold. A few days go by, and my questions are answered:

Rick:

I'll re-do the vocal as soon as I can and re-submit to you. The "coughing" is at the beginning of the song, is intended, and is actually part of the composition...kind of a "Pink Floyd-ish" sound effect. I'm a songwriter/composer Child Of The 70s...what can I say?

I am still going to try and at least make some kind of contact with the Aliens...curiosity, if nothing else. I'll let you know.

Have a safe trip...talk to you soon.

Ciao for now.

I love it. He’s going to re-do the vocals. Here’s where the real test comes in. Has he been messing with me the whole time? Is he really serious about this? A full week went by without hearing anything, so I sent a quick inquiry:

Paul, how are the vocals coming? The group I'm with just finished up their first set here in Tokyo. They would love you here. Good luck!

Rick

Almost immediately I get a reply:

Hi Rick.

Excited to hear things are well in Tokyo.

The vocals are earmarked to be finished EOB Wednesday 04.23.2007. We have some digital transfers to make of the music bed that is taking a bit of time as well as some I/O analogue-to-digital transduction encoding challenges. I'll send the finished product to you just as soon as the new track is complete.

Your eMail arrived Mon 23 Apr 2007 09:41:49aCDT. Tokyo must be 12 hours ahead (behind(?)) if you just finished first set...unless the band is doing a morning gig. I don't know...I've never been to Tokyo. Sounds like a blast, though!

I'll keep you informed...stay in touch and be well.

Of course I’m not an idiot. I checked the time zone in Japan before sending the email, and made sure it was at a believable time. I replied:

Good to hear! This band is rocking right now (I'm on my blackberry). It's just past 1am on the 24th right now. The time zones take a little getting used to.

Good luck with the vocals, and I'm looking forward to hearing them. You said "we"? Do you have a partner you're working with?

Rick

I wanted to make the situation a bit more friendly and less professional, because I think there’s a good chance he’ll actually re-do these vocals, and I can’t even imagine what they would sound like. Unfortunately another week went by without hearing anything, so I shot out another email. I also need to keep coming up with reasons not to call him, and the overseas thing sounds like a good excuse, so I’ll keep using that:

Paul, how are the vocals coming? Looks like my stay abroad is going to last a bit longer than I expected. Just wanted to drop a line before I started my day.

Rick

Ahhh, finally a reply worthy of mentioning. In case you guys haven’t figure it out, our friend Paul likes to write. He loves completely useless details, and he loves shoving a whole slew of them into a single email. Example below:

Hi Rick.

Hope all is well on the other side of the world. What a concept...communicating half a world away instantaneously. So cool. I "day job" in computers and I am still always amazed...!

I need to apologize. I promised the finished track by Wednesday 04.25.2007 but things are running a little longer than expected albeit they are running smoothly. In your last eMail you inquired about the "we". Yes...I am working with my longtime friend, professional "guitar artist" (guitarist), and "man-of-all-things" Gary Jackson [name changed]. Actually, Gary is a wonderful friend and has helped me out in the past and actually helped me during the EYE(tm) year (1993) albeit not with the original recording of "The Kworbane Stone". Gary and I are co-engineering and co-producing this re-recording of "The Kworbane Stone".

Everything is being engineered in the digital realm using SoundTracksPro and GarageBand on an Apple G5. The analogue-to-digital tape dump of the original master tracks from the original master tape of 14 years ago went fine. We had to purchase several pieces of equipment including a Lexicon Omega I/O unit for port matching and analogue-to-digital data transfer into the Apple G5. I am recording the vocals directly into the G5 via the Lexicon unit. The Lexicon unit transduces the input signal from analogue XLR IN to USB OUT to the G5.

I originally didn't know exactly how I was going to "re-sing" the emotion of the song so I started recording a stanza at a time. After a night of that "cheating" (and wasting a night of recording), I decided that was not working at all and I was not happy with the results.

We turned our attention on the music bed tracks. We enhanced all the instrument tracks, doubled the piano (on the original the piano was buried in the mix), and created multiple busses for pulling a production mix of the instrument tracks to sing to.

Next I decided to record ten takes of the vocals straight through...bam..bam..bam. Did seven takes, took a break, did three more takes. I recorded the ending falsetto separate to make sure it was on...hopefully you think so too.

We are now creating a mix of the final vocal track from the ten vocal takes. I have also decided to double the pitch of the melody in the vocal take in real time, i.e., I am layering (doubling) one take on top of another on the vocal. I have also decided to create harmony on the vocal take so you will hear 8va low octave harmony to the main vocal throughout the vocal.

Gary and I are sessioning again tomorrow Monday 04.30.2007 at 0200pCDT until as long as we can go. We have had three recording sessions so far from ~0200pCDT to ~0600aCDT the following morning. This last session tomorrow Monday 04.30.2007 should just about finish it. The final cut should be ready EOB Tuesday 05.01.2007 or, at very latest, EOB Wednesday 05.02.2007 but I am targetting EOB Tuesday 05.01.2007.

BackUps, file administration, and all that computer stuff also takes time. I will let you know where on the web you can listen/download the MP3 or MP4 final cut.

I hope your other bands are "rocking the house". Have a safe trip home...whenever that is. I look forward to you hearing the new rendition of "The Kworbane Stone".

Again, I apologize about the tardiness and the lack of a timely status update.

Let me know if you need anything else or any other information from me.

I will "type at you" in the next couple days.

Stay safe and be well.

Wow. He actually is doing it. He bought some equipment to take a 14 year old analog recording and dump it into the digital world. And sure enough, like most musicians, he can’t leave well enough alone. I, I mean, Rick, asks him to re-do the vocals, and the first thing he does is fuck around with the keyboards. Go Paul, Go!

As a side note, what he doesn’t understand is that while he sees himself being professional by putting in all this extra information in his emails, this is really a turn off to those people who are actual music professionals. They could care less if he spent $200k on a bunch of equipment, or if he spent $50 and recorded it through a 20 year old tape recorder. If the final product sounds good and the song is well-written, they will be interested. Of course, it’s good blog material, so we appreciate the extra details!

I decide at this point to leave him alone for a while and see if he comes back on his own. I decided if I didn’t hear anything in 2 weeks I would call. Fortunately about 6 days later, this came in:

Hi Rick.

We didn't finish on Monday 04.30.2007.
We decided to skip Tuesday 05.01.2007 because of other commitments and get together Wednesday 05.02.2007.
I cancelled Wednesday 05.02.2007...I just needed a night off.

We are sessioning today Thursday 05.03.2007 at 0200pCDT and should finish the mix. I will let you know where on the web you can listen/download the MP3 or MP4 final cut.

Watched an interesting history of Ahmet Ertegun and Atlantic Records on PBS last night.

Hope all is fine...stay safe and be well.

Uhh, wtf? What time did you take a dump each day too Paul, please, let us know? Another 6 days go by:

Hi Rick.

We finished a final *.cda mix (CD Audio file) last Friday 05.04.2007, burned some sampler CDs, and listened on several playback devices including car stereos, home stereos, etc. However, the final mastered level for the *.cda file was approximately 2/3 of what it should have been, i.e., the final signal was just not "hot" albeit SoundTracksPro showed normalization of the file at the "hottest" signal possible. We are going to have to re-compress the final mix (possibly several times) and re-normalize the final mix (possibly several times) to achieve mastered-level final signal, i.e., we are working around the anomalies of the software. It is curious that we are having this trouble considering SoundTracksPro is a subset of ProTools, the standard in audio recording software, and a plug-in to and of Final Cut Pro, the standard in video/audio editting software.

We also have to convert the *.cda to MP3 or MP4 format and upload to my web site where you can listen/download.

Last week, Rick, believe it or not, both my ears closed up on me and I could not hear much of anything. Also, believe it or not, at the same time, I contracted laryngitis. So, basically, I lost both my hearing and my voice. Luckily, this was at the end of the mixdown. I basically mixed and mastered with only one ear half open and with no voice. I have been diagnosed with impacted earwax in both ears and the doctors have managed to open up one ear back to 100% and are working on the other ear which, right now, is totally closed up. My next doctor appointment is Thursday 05.10.2007. My voice is still rough with laryngitis but it is slowly coming back. While doing basic lab work during my doctor visit they also found blood in my urine. Believe me, I am asking myself, WHAT THE FUCK?!

I haven't a clue where any of this came from.

Although all these happenings may sound like coincidental excuses for a tardy submission, please understand they are not. All this stuff REALLY happened. Ridiculously, it was like some cosmic force was constantly pushing us back as we continually pushed forward. It is almost like a legion of demons nipping at my heels as I try to move forward with this project and opportunity.

Now Gary is on some out-of-town live sound gigs until Monday 05.14.2007 and he has the G5 computer with him. We won't be getting together again until early next week, the week of 05.13.2007.

Again, I am sorry regarding the delay(s).

I will keep you informed.

Stay safe and be well, wherever you are now.

Yes Paul, WHAT THE FUCK indeed. Wow is the best way to summarize all of that.

So we’ve come to the end of part 3. What will happen to Paul? Will his voice come back in time to finish the recording? Will his ears open up? Will it matter? Will he get his CDA to MP3 or MP4 on the G5 PDQ, or will we be SOL? Stay tuned for the next (and final?) episode.

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

The Worst Music Ever – Uber Troll, Part Duh

Hello Manifestites! The response was pretty good to the first part of this post, so I wanted to plan out the rest carefully. If you haven’t read the first part, please do so now: The Worst Music Ever – Uber Troll, Part 1. I apologize in advance for the length of these posts, but man, Paul can sure write. This fucker will spend god knows how long to write 3 pages full of totally useless details to finally end the email with the one piece of information that you were looking for.

So we last left our friend Paul sometime in 2004. Every year or so Pogo and I would see or hear of a reference to him somewhere in the local music scene and get a laugh out of it. He was immortalized in the losers file (which I won’t be posting here, but will email it to those who request it and can receive a 6Mb mp3 file), and forever made fun of.

Fast forward to early this year, when I started a new job with a fellow bassist we’ll call Jim deLundgren, at his request. In the first few days we got to talking about our musical experiences, and I played him the losers file. He laughed at the end and said “hey, I know that guy!” and told me of his brief run in with Paul. We laughed about it, and a few days later we were both put into a nightmare situation at a nightmare client. Well, Jim being the prankster that he was, decided to grab a copy of the Kworbane Stone (again, misspelled on purpose here), and play little 3 second clips of it every 2 minutes for weeks on end. A few searches also showed that Paul was still looking to put a band together. After about 47 times an hour of hearing that falsetto voice butcher all those notes, I couldn’t take it anymore, and had to focus my misery at someone else. Who better than the author himself? So I decided to create my first ever fake persona, and send him an email. I’ll be changing names and spellings again in these emails, but I won’t be losing any content.

From: Rockin’ Rick
To: Paul

Subject: Kworbane Stone [I purposely spelled Kworbane wrong here to see what he would do]

Dear Mr. [Paul’s last name]:

I represent a small entertainment publishing firm with direct contacts to some of the biggest labels in the industry.

My associates and I just finished listening to your song, Kworbane Stone [again spelled wrong, but different than the spelling in the subject], and were just blown away. The phrasing and musicality present were simply amazing, and the way the vocals and guitar worked together make this song leaps and bounds above most of the submissions we receive.

The best thing for you is that you've done all the leg-work with getting your band name and ideas trademarked. We are seriously one step away from a major label signing. I would be personally honored if you let me represent you in your quest for ultimate music stardom. Please email me at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,

Rick Choad

Even better here, as I’m writing this, Jim is laughing his ass off. There’s no way this guy can take “Rick” seriously, can he? To end it, I had to come up with a last name. Hmm, what to use? Yeah, let’s use choad! Note that Rick isn’t the real name I used in the emails, but the last name is the same with an altered spelling. Remember that Paul is the guy who trademarks EVERYTHING. I mean everything. His band name, his email signature, writing style, how he describes his band, everything. I played right into that, and the sarcasm is just dripping here. No one will think that I’m serious now, right?

From: Paul
To: Rick

Subject: REGARDING: RE: The Kworbane Stone [ok here he didn’t just hit reply and let the email software put the “Re:” in, he actually typed out “REGARDING” and then “RE:” in caps. Oh yeah, he also misspelled the name of his own song.]


Hi Rick.

Thank you for the compliment(s) and wonderful feedback on what is onepiece in an ongoing body of work that is lifelong in the making. There is much much more where "The Kworbane Stone" came from.

You are correct when you write that everything I create, produce, and make is protected by copyrights, trademarks, etc. Everything from the name of the group EYE(tm) [see link to PDF file from previous blog post for correct spelling. I’ll be changing it throughout] (pronounced "eye") to the artworks, symbols,emblems, monikers, song titles, music, lyrics, category descriptor(s), collateral, etc. of EYE(tm)---all is protected and has been for many years now.

I would be very interested in speaking with you regarding who you are and what you represent. In the "jungle" of the entertainment world (of which I have spent a lifetime) I am sure you, as a professional, can understand I need to know who you are, what is the name of your company, what and who do you represent, what is the URL (domain address) of your web site, what labels do you have business relationships and/or affiliations with, etc., etc., etc.---questions, questions, always questions ;) .

Please respond to this eMail with your thoughts on arranging a teleconference to begin exploratory discussions.

Again, I want to verily thank you for your kind and proactive words and I look forward to speaking with you.

Yup, typical Paul. Blah blah blah, let’s talk on the phone. He also came right out to ask what company “Rick” was with and every piece of information possible. Yah. Not gonna happen there buddy! Here’s another piece of funny information, his email signature. I have to butcher a lot of it, but he includes this whole mess at the bottom of each email. I won’t include it in every one, but just leave it here once to see how detailed it is:

--
Onward...(tm)
--
Paul [his middle and last names]
EYE(tm)
eMail1: [his email address]

WARNING:
This eMail contains personal, private, and/or confidential information. Any recipient(s) of this eMail other than the intended recipient(s) should ignore and immediately and permanently delete this eMail. If this eMail is received by any recipient(s) other than the recipient(s) to whom this eMail was intentionally and originally sent, any action other than immediate deletion of this eMail by unintended recipient(s) shall be construed as unlawful, investigated, and, where applicable, prosecuted. The information transmitted in this eMail is intended only for the person/entity to which it is addressed and this eMail may contain confidential and/or privileged material. If you are NOT the intended recipient(s) of this eMail please do not read, copy, use, or disclose this communication, and notify the sender immediately. It should be noted that any review, re-transmission, dissemination, or other use of, or taking action or reliance upon, this information by persons/entities other than the intended recipient(s) is prohibited.

Yeah, umm. Wow. So now I need to reply. I mean, “Rick” needs to reply. I’m certainly not interested in making up fake company names at this point, because I don’t even know how far this will go. I mean, this guy is going to see right through this, right? So let’s write something completely ridiculous and see what he does. Note that I knew previously that he “was the singer of the songs,” but chose to be ignorant of that fact in the email:

From: Rick
To: Paul

Hi Paul, can I call you Paul? I have a bit of somewhat negative news, but I think we can put a positive spin on this.

This morning I met with a group of record executives that also happen to be MENSA members at a local MENSA meeting. I want to be totally up front with you that I feel your music is above what the average music listener is capable of comprehending and digesting. This is why I thought the MENSA chapter here would be a perfect sounding board.

Most of the members were very interested in hearing what I had to play them, because they are all musicians and composers as well. Unfortunately, we all came to the same conclusion: the singer has to go. The beauty of the music is ruined by the timbre of the vocalist, especially when your singer uses his falsetto voice.

Is there any way you can re-record this song with a different singer and send it to me for re-submission? I hate to be so critical, but in a world where everyone is a critic, I don't think this music will go anywhere with sub-par vocals. You owe it to yourself as an artist to not settle for sub-standard performances on your recordings.

Please let me know what you think. Thanks, and God bless.

Rick

MENSA, God bless, man I crack myself up. Surely he will see right through this and either go off on me or just ignore it all together, right?

From: Paul
To: Rick

Subject: REGARDING: Paul [his middle and last names], EYE(tm), The Kworbane Stone, etc.

Hi Rick.

Again, thank you very much for your kind consideration, time, and help.

Certainly you may call me Paul...if I may call you Rick.

When I was young, the very first Led Zeppelin album I ever listened to was "Houses Of The Holy". The very first listen, I could not see what all my friends were making such a fuss over. I thought the music and vocals were both weird and bad. By the third listen of the album, however, I realized how fantastic the compositions, melodies, and performances really were.

The first time I ever heard Jackson Browne I thought he was not a very good singer...and I wondered how he managed to get "signed". With his attachment to The Eagles (at the time), I wanted to understand more about Browne. Again, in a short order, I realized how truly profound Jackson Browne, his compositions, and his performances really were and are.

I could reference dozens more examples like this in my own personal musical odyssey. I am sure that you, too, have probably experienced this "phenomenon" of slowly growing to realize an artist's potential, if not their genius...most people have.

In 1993 I was offered a record contract offer from a subsidiary of Atlantic Records. I turned it down thinking I could obtain something better. In 1995 (or 1996) I received a production artist development offer from a known Nashville producer based on "The Kworbane Stone" and another song I submitted to him, "Ecksigesis". I, again, thought something better was "down the pike" and declined. Now, here I am. Both offers wanted to shape and influence what was already there without major replacements of any kind.

I am the singer on the songs.

Let me explain.

I have been in music since I was 4 years old. I am 45...an extremely young, younger-appearing-and-acting, energetic, and still hopeful 45. I was born in 1961. My entire life has always moved towards one simple goal. I wanted to make a life out of music. From the time I heard my first song and artist (Burt Bacharach...what a talent) at 4 years old, I have never been able to stop this drive, this compulsion, this hope, this dream (some say this demon).

My entire musical life has been bands, stages, gigs, recordings, studio work, building mobile studios to accomplish my goal, etc. I also hold separate degrees in MIS (computers), Finance, and BITUS. I work my day job specifically in computers (IT Manager, IT Project Manager, and IT/NetWorking/InfraStructure Engineer...I have to pay the bills). I, too, have been tested and determined as a genius IQ although I doubt if my IQ is as high as the individuals you mentioned at MENSA. I had never heard of MENSA until last week when I met a woman on the internet. She is in Naples, Florida and I am in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. She "turned me on" to MENSA and stated that I should look into joining MENSA. By an extremely strange coincidence, only a week later, you reference MENSA in your eMail. Cosmic...I guess.

In 1993, I culminated my entire musical life up to 1993 by taking an entire year off of my life. I recruited a studio band, leased a residence, built a studio, and decided, once and for all, I was going to "go for the gold". The EYE(tm) year (as it has come to be known) termed from 12.01.1992 through 11.31.2003, inclusive. EYE(tm) the band and EYE(tm) the name was actually "freeborn" during late Summer 1992. There were two simple goals of the EYE(tm) year: number one, to have a record contract offer "signed, sealed, and delivered" by the end of the EYE(tm)year and, number two, to be on tour, any tour, by the end of the EYE(tm)year (it could have been a three day tour...anything). It was these two simple and over-riding goals that drove myself and the group that I led. We spent most of the year writing, rehearsing, and recording...basically "woodshedding" as it is known in the music industry. I wrote pretty much all of the material. I arranged,produced, and engineered pretty much all of the material. As the months went by, one member after another dropped citing that music had turned into "work" and wasn't "fun" any more. No matter how hard I tried to convince each individual that "making it" IS work and sometimes NOT fun,they would not be swayed from their decisions. By the Fall of 1993 I was left to finish the project myself. Luckily, my wonderful lifelong musician friend Garrett assisted me to the end of the EYE(tm) year. It is during the EYE(tm) year, as I sent out one promotional package after another, as I flew to Los Angeles multiple times to "peddle my wares",as I met people like Joey Church from Virgin Records, Irving Azoff (The Eagles manager), Mike Varny from Magna Carta (a wonderful guy dedicated to promoting talent...had multiple lengthy wonderful conversation with Mike Varny), and others, that I received the offer from a subsidiary of Atlantic.

You can see (and hear) some of what is "EYE(tm)-posted" on the internet by visiting [Morphy’s note: I removed the web link here because I want you to read this and experience this in the order that it was meant to be presented. Bear with me. It’s worth it.] and rolling your mouse over the lower right corner of your screen. Left-click-once on the spinning EYE(tm) symbol. This will take you to the EYE(tm) pyramid. After the second larger EYE(tm) symbol stops spinning, left-click-once on it. You will enter the EYE(tm) web site DEFINITELY still under construction.
However, towards the bottom, there is a link to EYE(tm) sound bytes. At this sound bytes page you will find links to MP3s, lyric *.PDFs, credit *.PDFs, engineering explanations, etc.

"The Kworbane Stone" and many other songs were written and recorded in 1993. For the entire year, I used a Fostex four-track CASSETTE TAPE multi-track recorder (one appliance among MANY innovations and equipments used). On some of the songs, I turned that Fostex four-track CASSETTE TAPE multi-track recorder into a 40 track multi-track recorder through the careful art of "ping-pong" recording and "anal-retentive" producing and engineering. Some of my musician friends state that, to this day, I am the only person they know that has ever pushed the limits on a four-track CASSETTE TAPE multi-track recorder to such an "edge".

What is my point in all this? "The Kworbane Stone" was written, basic tracked, recorded, editted, mixed, and finished all in one day. I played and did everything. The vocal track on "The Kworbane Stone" (as well as most of the EYE(tm) songs presently) was completed in ONE TAKE and was probably never meant to be a final take...not by any "stretch of the imagination". The present vocal takes on EYE(tm) songs can be construed as more than "scratch" takes but less than final takes.

When one looks at absolutely horrific singers and bands like Gordon Gano and The Violent Femmes who have had worldwide success or even great artists like Mark Knopfler of Dire Straits, Van Morrison, Bob Seger, and even Geddy Lee of Rush (who some say sounds like a strangled witch), whose voices are "unique" if nothing else, one can realize that there are myraid types and kinds of vocal "expressionisms" that can and are hugely saleable and successful.

I never wanted to be a "lone" artist like Billy Joel, Prince, Bruce Hornsby, Elton John, etc. Although I have been with more bands on more stages at more gigs and in more studios than I care to remember, I always wanted EYE(tm) to be a group of synergistic musicians like Yes or Genesis or ELO or...you get "the drift". EYE(tm) has become a concept and group owned by me simply because I have never been able to re-organize the right musicians into the right entity that I hear in my head 25 hours per day. Any number of my musician friends call me "The Visionary" and tell me I SHOULD just do everything myself, i.e., become another Elton John, Billy Joel, etc. I don't know...I am still trying to figure that all out. I do not ever give up, though, on my dream(s) and my visions(s) of what I would like to eventually build.

That brings us to the present. The little smattering of history I just wrote for you is missing many many details that, at this point, are not as relevant as what is happening now. Maybe, someday, we will meet and I will tell you the entire story of a dreamer, broken again and again, only to keep rising and trying. "Corny", but true.

I need to sing EYE(tm). It has been 14 years since keeping the very first vocal take on "The Kworbane Stone". I have sung in many bands before 1993 and since 1993. I have sang in choirs of which presently I sing in a Tridentine Gregorian and Polyphony choir singing both Gregorian Chant and Polyphony for our Roman Catholic Latin Masses here in Milwaukee. I am also rehearsing for my second audition with The Milwaukee Symphony Chorus. This is a "mountain" I want and need to "conquer".

What I am trying to write is the hope that you, like I, will listen to the EYE(tm) material more than a few times and try to see what can be, not necessarily what is right now. I am very open-minded and your suggestions are certainly under advisement but I am also asking you to think in what I "moniker" as "three-dimensional thinking" regarding the possibilites. Although I am a classically trained pianist and a jazz trained guitartist, I am a "street taught" singer...everything I know I have taught myself from listening to the voices and inflections of those singers I wanted to emulate such as Phil Collins and Gino Vannelli for power, Peter Gabriel and Mark Knopfler for soul, etc...the influences are endless.

Both Atlantic Records in 1993 and Kenny Rogers' engineer and producer in 1996 recognized something was there. I am asking you to try and recognize the same.

After a lifetime of trying, I NEED to accomplish this. I don't know if I can "turn it over" to someone else. I KNOW I can do it even if I am not "there" yet.

After a lifetime of studying the business side of what I consider(ed) "The Masters" in the Rock genre (Genesis, SuperTramp, Yes, King Crimson, ELO, Boston, FleetWood Mac, The Eagles, Rush, Deep Purple, etc....you know...), two simple things seemed to be common. Number one, most of "The Masters" hit on the fourth album release and, number two, ALL "The Masters" found a representative (manager, agent, etc.) that truly, TRULY believed in them even if they, "The Masters", weren't fully polished
yet. That representative believed in the artist(s) as artist(s) as well as a "cash cow".

I am asking you to believe in me. If you are who you say you are, believe in me...I will not disappoint you. Give the music more listens, play it for a cross-section of more people, etc. I also know that many elements HAVE to be re-recorded in a more professional environment which I am presently building albeit not done yet. It takes money and, much more crucial, time.

You are correct when you refer to "a world where everyone is a critic". Yet, each critic is also a potential buyer and, as many potential buyers as you have, therein you also have that many different and varied tastes and opinions, each one looking to purchase what appeals to their unique tastes and opinions. How would you otherwise explain away Ella Fitzgerald selling right alongside Ozzy Osbourne?

As always, Rick, your interest is inspirational and I thank you for that. I still don't know anything about you and I think it would be very advantageous for us to at least speak via telephone. To that end, although I don't know you, I am going to be the first to take a "leap of faith" and include my contact information. I think we should talk.

Thanks for all, Rick, and I await your response and call. The interest you have shown and the time you have invested are priceless to me...more than you know.

Thanks again.

Yikes. My first thoughts were holy shit, what did I just get myself into here? I mean, I knew the guy liked to write, and I knew he liked to babble on, and I knew he thought his music was the greatest ever, but what I just read made me think I was reading some journal from an escaped mental patient. Scary shit. He included his full name, home address with zip code, phone number, email, etc. I decided right then to end it and just brush him off. How the hell do you reply to something like that? Ok, let’s just get it over with:

From: Rick
To: Paul

Dear Mr. [Paul’s last name]:

At this time we are unable to pursue a contractual arrangement with the current submission. If you decide to change your mind and pursue another vocalist, please contact me for a new submission form, and we can try again.

Thanks for your time and interest, and I wish you well.

Rick

I figured he would ignore this and not reply, or reply with something snippy, but instead:

From: Paul
To: Rick

Rick:

As always, the interest you have shown is quite heartening. I understand your decision(s) as I am sure you respect mine. I, too, welcome your communique in the event you have a change of heart regarding your synopsis and determination.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step." -Confucious
"Rejection offends ignorance...and inspires intelligence." -A. Wisch

Again, thank you.

So there we have it, the end of part 2. Change of heart on my part? Yeah, we'll get to that in part 3. There are at least 2 more parts to this seemingly never-ending tale. Look for more parts soon. On a parting note, I leave you with the musical masterpiece that is “Ecksigesis” [spelled wrong, of course]. Enjoy!

http://tinyurl.com/2l6qah

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Tilt-A-Donk, Chapter 48

Ok Ok, I said I would be working on the next part for the Uber Troll, but I ran into this situation today and felt it was amusing enough to post.

Anyone who knows me in real life or online knows that I have a great sense of humor. I'm always joking around, picking on people, and especially in online poker, where everyone takes things so seriously, I like to have as much fun as possible. It makes the horrible game that is poker somewhat bearable.

Today I was playing a small pot limit Omaha rebuy tournament on FullTilt. A little over an hour into it, I flopped the nut flush draw, turned a gutshot straight draw, and the action was checked to me. I bet, and some moron who was slow playing a set moved in on me for a little over my bet. I called, hit the flush on the river, and busted him. It was then time for the famous line:

XaQ Morphy: nice bluff

Now, a few people have taken this lightly and laughed it off, but most of these morons have a temper tantrum that makes my 3 year old seem mature. Of course once I get them going, I keep pushing buttons until they give up, or I get bored. Most of the times they just keep giving me rope to hang them with, as exhibited below:

Steam_Rollerr (Observer): ?
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): bluff?
XaQ Morphy: yes, I picked off your bluff
psshaw-psshaw: bluff he had u beat when all the money went in
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): what the hell are you talking about blkuff?
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): i had top set dumass
XaQ Morphy: I had a flush
XaQ Morphy: last time I checked, a flush beats a set does it not?
psshaw-psshaw: not when u put the money in the pot
XaQ Morphy: huh?
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): you caught your flush lucky @&$

Awesome. Not only do I have the guy I just busted freaking out, I have some moron at the table trying to set me straight as well. Let's see how far I can take this...

XaQ Morphy: I'm not sure how long you guys have been playing poker, but in omaha, the best 5 card hand wins
XaQ Morphy: I had a flush,he had a set, a flush beats a set
XaQ Morphy: you guys need one of those "how to play poker" sites? I can google for you
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): the money went in when all you had was a flush draw and a gut shot Jenny92: lol
XaQ Morphy: I don't see how that is relevant
Jenny92: was about the situation when you put your money in
XaQ Morphy: when the hand was over, I had a flush

Ok so they obviously don't realize I'm messing around, so I'm all ready to play another few rounds of chase my tail. But then the internet bragging comes into play:

Steam_Rollerr (Observer): look bud...today will be the first time in a week i havent come in 2nd or 1st in this tourney....and it takes a lucky hit to get me out

For the record, I looked him up on thepokerdb and yes, he's done quite well in this tourney and in others. Funny though, you'd think someone who does well in poker can control his emotions. Not this donk:

Steam_Rollerr (Observer): you were the one bluffing dumbass
XaQ Morphy: I don't think I've ever bluffed with a flush before
XaQ Morphy: but nice theory
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): you didnt have a flush when you bet
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): hence a bluff
XaQ Morphy: what does that matter?
XaQ Morphy: my bet was a trap
XaQ Morphy: I knew you would bluff at me, and I picked it off
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): it matters because you said nice bluff......
XaQ Morphy: yes
XaQ Morphy: you bluffed your set into my flush
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): you didnt have a !$#%ing flush dumbass
XaQ Morphy: then why did I win the hand, genius?
XaQ Morphy: did it say "XaQ Morphy doesn't have a flush" and then award the pot to me?
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): BECAUSE YOU CAUGHT YOUR SEMIBLUFF

Oooh, all caps now. FullTilt indeed! Let's keep pressing this shiny red button, shall we?

XaQ Morphy: what the hell are you talking about?
XaQ Morphy: I'm serious, I know some really good poker teachers, want me to hook you up?
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): WHEN YOU BET YOUR CHIPS YOU DID NOT HAVE A FLUSH
XaQ Morphy: why are you yelling?
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): CANT ARGUE THAT
psshaw-psshaw: murphy u r the one that doesnt know what you are tailking about you are a donkey, MORON
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): WHEN YOU BET YOUR CHIPS LIKE THAT....ITS CALLED A SEMIBLUFF
XaQ Morphy: wow, I mean wow
XaQ Morphy: I heard that there's a lot of idiots online, but I figured they would at least know how to read a what beats what chart
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): WHY CANT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOU DID NOT HAVE A FLUSH WHEN YOU BET?
XaQ Morphy: why can't you understand that in omaha, like holdem, the best 5 card hand wins
Jenny92: and you are not being provocative now haha :)
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): I DO UNDERSTAND CHUMP....DIDNT I JUST GET DONE TELLING YOU I OWN THIS TOURNAMENT
XaQ Morphy: no! I'm never provocative, I'm trying to help these guys out since it's obvious they don't really know much about poker
XaQ Morphy: wait
XaQ Morphy: you own this tournament?
XaQ Morphy: isn't that against the rules for you to play it then?
snackmix: lol
Steam_Rollerr (Observer): 2 1ST 3 2NDS AND 2 3RDS THIS WEEK.....YEAH #$%$%%&

Ok, so at least two have figured it out, but this tilting donkatron keeps going. The energizer donk, keeps donking, and donking, and donking, and donking, and donking...

So I paste part of this to RGP's Diputsur, and he shows up on the rail, and I get some support from another guy at my table:

Diputsur (Observer): I just talked to support, they said a flush beats top set. sorry roller.
snackmix: what are you 12?
snackmix: get over it
Diputsur (Observer): XaQ is right. best 5 card hand. I tried to get you back into the tourney, but they said no.
snackmix: lol
Diputsur (Observer): oh, they also said: nice bluff.

I played in that tournament for another 60-70 minutes after this, and this donk kept showing up on the rail with some stupid comment, no doubt waiting for me to bust. I went out on a gamble, and sure enough he sat there making wisecracks, as if he "owned" me (or "pwned" the word of all cool kids who live in their parents' basements). Sorry loser, time to take out the garbage. Oh yeah, and...nice bluff.

This week: Uber Troll, part 2.

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

The Worst Music Ever – Uber Troll, Part 1

Hello Manifestites! So here it is. I’ve alluded to this once or twice in the blog here, and several times to some of you either on RGP, email, or IM, and I’ve finally gathered enough information to start posting what will be a very long story posted in several blog entries. I call it the Uber Troll, but of course also contains the Worst Music In the World ™. I invite you to sit back, relax, and enjoy! I will warn you that this will start out very slowly. There’s a lot of explaining to do and background information to get out of the way before I can dive right in to the emails. For those who complain that I write too much, go surf for some porn or something, and spare the comments.

As I’ve stated in the past, I’m a musician, and have been working on putting a band together off and on between various injuries and surgeries. About 5 years ago I met my good friend and drummer Pogo, and we started working on putting together a band. For nearly 2 years we auditioned guitarists and vocalists (I’m a bassist), and had various levels of success with a few different people. We recorded everything, and thus the losers file was born, which was a collage of the worst of the worst. We went through all sorts of different musicians, from the really good to the really bad, and everything in between. Using the local musician’s classified board on Milwaukeerocks.com, we must have talked to 50 different people during that time. Outside of music my life was crazy. I had recently moved into a new house, my oldest daughter was 4, and my youngest was about 6 months old. I barely had time for the music as it was, but still tried to get something going. All that leads up to…

…one day in late 2003, I saw an interesting ad. I don’t have a copy of it, but the title was something like “Virtuoso Art Rock Musicians Wanted.” The ad was very vague, didn’t describe what style of music the person was looking for, what the instrumentation was, or anything specific at all. So I fired off an email late at night that was very simple: “Hi, can you tell me more about what exactly this is? Thanks.” I received an email reply the next day from the person I will call Paul asking me to call him because it was too much to write, and he left his phone number.

Here’s where I’m hopefully not going to lose my readers, if you’ve gotten this far. The problem is, if I give out this guy’s real name, or any of his quirks, email signatures or anything, he will very easily be able to search out these posts, and I’d rather him not know it was me behind what I ended up doing. I’m going to have to alter some of the emails to take out specifics, so I hope the humor of it all isn’t lost. I will say that this guy trademarks everything. I mean everything. His band name is trademarked, his email signature tagline is trademarked, his music writing style is trademarked. Everything. His band name is E eye E. (It’s actually the letter E, then the letter I, then the letter E, but if I type it out like I did, he can’t search it easily). Oh yeah, and don’t forget the trademark symbol ™. Ok so now that we have that background, let me move forward in the story.

Well, as anyone with kids knows, time can slip by real quick. With a 6 month old and a 4 year old, the evenings after work fly by, and pretty soon it’s 10pm, and finally time to get something done and go to bed. I’m not the kind of person to want to call anyone else after 9pm because I think it’s rude, so trying to get a phone call in during the week was proving nearly impossible. So I emailed him back: “Hi Paul, things have been busy and I haven’t had a chance to call. What’s the best time for you to talk? Thanks.” He replied back “Evenings are fine, Adam. Again, contact information is listed below. If I could be so bold, contact made as soon as possible would be appreciated. Thanks, Adam.” (I’m Adam btw). Ok, well, similar to what has happened with this blog, things got in the way at the time, and calling him just wasn’t a priority for me. At the same time we hooked up with a guitarist that we ended up working with for several months, so I wasn’t all that interested in trying to chase down a guy who I still had no clue what he was all about. A few weeks later I get the email below. Now, what’s odd about this is that he sent it to my home email address, but copied in a work email address for a company I was no longer with. The only way he would have found that email address is to google my name. Nice, another damn stalker.

Hello Adam:

Not to sound too bold but I need to expedite getting this group up and running and I need to know if you are interested in speaking with me regarding the bass player slot. You and I have had several emails back and forth but I need more proactive movement on this situation. If you are interested in discussing this, please email me back with a specific time and date when you will call me. Otherwise, email me your telephone number and a time and date and I will call you. If you are no longer interested, please email me back stating such so that I do not continue to follow up on a dead lead.

Please advise as soon as possible.

Thanks.

Umm, ok. A pushy stalker. Great. So I get a little irritated at him, and of course I’m at work and don’t want to call him from there. Then again, I get irritated with people who can’t take a few minutes to write up an email with some thoughts in it, and always reach for the phone for any little piece of communication. Since I still have no clue what the hell this guy is even looking for, I fire off this email, looking for more information:

Paul, first off, I'm not sure why you sent an email to Century Insurance, as I haven't been an employee there since March of this year.

I apologize for not calling, but myself, wife, and 2 kids have been passing around a cold for the last few weeks, and by the time I get home, get everyone fed and in bed, and take care of household matters, it's well past 10pm, and I don't think you'd appreciate a call that late.

As far as being interested, I don't even really know what this is about, since the ad was vague and you weren't able to give details via email. I *should* have some time tonight to call, but before I do, could you please answer a few questions for me:

- In a nutshell, what is this project? Is it a project band, a backing band for a theatric event, a backing band for a solo artist, or something else? Basically what would you tell someone who asks what "Virtuoso Art Rock" is?

- What are the immediate and future goals for this project as far as rehearsals, gigs, recordings, etc.?

- What are the ages and instrumentation of the members of this project?

- Do you have anything recorded that I could listen to for an idea of the style of music involved?

I think the answers to these questions will give me a better idea of my interest level in what you have going on. I would call you during the day today, but I have meetings for pretty much the rest of the day beginning in about 5 minutes.

Thanks for your time, and have a great day!

Adam

Seems reasonable, right? I’ve already put way more time in with this guy than I should have, because I have this nagging feeling that it’s going to be a colossal waste of time (a few blog entries later you’ll realize how ironic this statement is), but what the hell, it’s only an email, and his response should at least give me some information about what he’s doing to see if I’d be interested in discussing things further. Or will it?

Adam:

I can answer all of your questions and get my questions answered much more expeditiously (for both of us) by a simple telephone conversation rather than me trying to write a book via email, and then trying to write a book via email for everyone else that calls or responds to the advertisement. There are more than just one or two people responding.

I sent an email to Century because I did a web search on '' to find your home page and came up with some IT questions via a newsgroup that you had submitted apparently when you were at Century...these threads had your Century email address.

I also work day job in IT, have for almost 20 years, am a Manager, Project Manager, Project Leader, and hands-on Network Infrastructure Engineer. So we have that in common.

You can call me pretty much any time. I get up at 5A and usually don't retire 'til at least midnite. 10P in the evening is no problem. If I am not here, leave your number and I will return your call. Or, rather, once again, email me with a specific time and date tht we can coordinate a call. To me, this is the best way.

Thanks, Adam.

What the fuck? Did this guy just write me a 4 paragraph email explaining why he couldn’t spend time writing to explain what his band/music/whatever the fuck is? That pissed me off. I was done with him. So I fired this off:

Paul, I guess if you're willing to take 4 paragraphs to tell me how you can't email me to even tell me what the band is about, I'm not the person you're looking for. Good luck in your search. Thanks.

I mean really. People like that piss me off. It’s obvious the guy can articulate himself in an email, so there has to be another reason why he wants me on the phone rather than just telling me what the hell his whole band virtuoso art rock or whatever the hell is. Oh look, he’s a hothead too:

Adam:

I guess that's the same as me chasing you for more than an entire month just to get you to respond to a response you sent you me. Your ridiculous email rhetoric bantering back and forth might amuse you but it certainly is not appreciated by myself. I don't know what your problem is but you STILL have not picked up a phone and dialed my number. I am amazed at the number of people in Milwaukee that talk a talk but cannot crawl a crawl much less walk the walk. And after offers from Atlantic Records and Nashville I am still amazed that I cannot get anyone to take their own music careers seriously. Good luck yourself, Adam. You're going to need it. Please do not communicate with me again. I don't appreciate people who waste my time.

Well a big old LOL at that, especially the wasting his time part, but you'll have to wait for parts 2 3 and however many else there will be to understand why. Now, during this whole time I’ve been copying Pogo in on the emails, and sending him the replies. Pogo is a bit more forgiving than I am, and not as quick to brush off the idiots, and decided to call him. They had a 45 minute phone conversation where Paul dodged every single question Pogo tried asking. He kept talking about 70’s progressive rock, and how a song is written using whatever the fuck circle theory is, and this and that. Pogo finally got him to give up some of his music, and some information about the band. I’m going to use tinyurl here to mask his web page in case he searches the web for links to his own page (who knows, the guy is a fucking nutcase), but these links are legit. First, a little bit of information about “E eye E”. This will give away the guy’s full name, but since it’s buried in the link in a PDF file, that’s ok:

http://tinyurl.com/2jhyj8 (PDF File)

Next is the song that will become famous throughout this blog series, the Kworbane Stone. I purposely spelled it incorrectly so that he can’t search it. Now, please resist the urge to browse around the site and listen to other songs. I will only say that for now, please stick to these two links, and the rest will make sense as more blog entries regarding this show up, along with more links. For your listening “enjoyment”:

http://tinyurl.com/3ykqqm (MP3 File)

Yeah. That’s what I said when I heard it. I replied to Pogo’s email to me. Note that I mention 4 tracks here, but for now we’ll stick with the Kworbane Stone. The rest are equally as horrible, trust me:

Here's exactly what Atlantic records did:

Track 1: 30 seconds in, everyone in the room stares at each other without making a word. Someone hits next track.

Track 2: Hysterical laughter. After about 45 seconds the strongest-willed person in the room manages to hit the next track before passing out.

Track 3: Someone wakes up, says "was that someone coughing on the track???"

Track 4: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

45 minutes later everyone wakes up to hear the same thing coming out of the CD player. They take the CD, break it into 3 million pieces, write Paul a letter that says "please, don't ever do that to us again", and everyone goes out for multiple shots of whatever makes the pain go away.

I mean really. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??!?!??! You don't know how much I want to email him now. But...I'm sure it's that I just don't understand the music because it's so intellectually superior. I'm not sure what it was. It might have been "post-modern power production", or the "neo-classical american art rock". It might have been the "weaving provocative multi-layered musical threads into an orchestrated tapestry".

Or, it's really the fact that it just simply sounds like the worst artistic wanna be hippy moronic intellectual wussie elitiest contrived crap that I've ever heard in my life. What's worse is you can tell these guys have musical talent. Well, the musicians. The singer makes Brad sound appealing .

Ok, I'm done now. I only have one bottle of vicodin left, and that's not enough to make this pain go away, so I'm going to have to try and sleep it off. :)

Adam

Then I couldn’t help myself, and fired this email off to our friend Paul:

Dear Paul:

After reviewing as much of your music as I was able to take, I have come to the conclusion that my daughter might be a better fit for what you're looking for than I would be. However, in order for her to comply with your circle theory, you'll need to add an "IO" to the end of your "E eye E" trademark.

She's 4 years old, so she may be a bit advanced for what you are looking for, but she does well with others that aren't quite at her level yet.

Best of luck with it, and I look forward to the Atlantic Records release.

Sincerely,

Adam

So there we have it. The end of part 1. About 6 months later after the guitarist we worked with for a few months flaked out on us, we posted another ad, “drummer and bassist available.” I received a two word email from Paul stating “call me.” I replied something like “haven’t we been through this already? I’ve heard your music, remember? No thanks, not interested.” And that was it. Or was it?

Stay tuned later this week for part 2.

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Aliens and Thermodonknamics

Helllllloooooooooo Manifestites! Bet you thought you’d never hear from me again, huh? Well, unfortunately for you, you aren’t that lucky. Truth is, I had no motivation at all to write up any entries. Sure, I’ve had a few things that would make for good fodder, but for the most part, I didn’t really feel like taking the time to write anything up. But never fear, for here I am, back on the prowl.

I still owe you guys the follow-ups to The List entry from a while back. That I’ll get to eventually. For now, we enter a different world not really discussed before on the Manifesto…the world of musicians.

For some quick background, I’ve been involved with music since I was about 3 years old. Violin, trumpet, French horn, piano, you name it, I tried to play it. In grade school I started focusing on cello, and actually made an attempt to get a degree in music on it in college. In middle school I started on drums, and shortly after, picked up bass guitar. Fast forward however many years, and I’m now a bassist, and really don’t play anything else. I’ve been in a number of rock bands throughout the years, but due to the various injuries I’ve sustained over time, really haven’t been able to play in the past two years until somewhat recently. Well, the time had come to put a band back together and work on getting some of these song ideas out of my head and into a form people can actually listen to.

There’s a local website called Milwaukeerocks.com with a classified ad section that is pretty much the only way for musicians to meet in this city. I’ve posted several ads throughout the years, and have responded to hundreds of people through the various bands I’ve been in. There’s a lot of crazy/stupid people out there, which is where I’m headed with this entry. I’m warning you, this is a long entry. It includes a dozen or so emails passed back and forth, and typically is something I’d break across a few blog entries (similar to something I have in the works about another wacko out there), but I thought I’d just leave it here. If you don’t want to read a long entry, stop now. I'm also warning you that the emails he sent are all messed up as far as the formatting goes. I'll leave them as is here so you can go through what I had to when I first read them.

That said, we’ll start off with my ad, listed below:

Bassist Available:

34 year old bassist looking for something new. Influences are many and range from rock to jazz/funk.

Ideally I'd like to form a new original modern rock/funk band. Think commercial, catchy hooks, great beats. Maroon 5, Jason Mraz, Chili Peppers, Dishwalla for starters, and damn near anything else thrown in that sounds good.

I've done rock, I've done metal, I've done jazz, I've done progressive. Now I'm looking for something different, yet being able to pull influences from everything else.

I have samples of previous recordings available if this interests you so far. Email me at xaqmorphy@gmail.com if interested.

Seems simple enough, right? Fortunately for me shortly after posting that ad my good friend Pogo (he’s a drummer) and I decided to pick up where we left off before my surgeries, and make another go at a band. Shortly after that I received another email and we found our guitarist. We’re going to start working on writing and working together as a band before we search out our vocalist, but in the meantime, I figured I would leave the ad online and see if anything came of it. The other day I received this from a guy we’ll call jrh, since that’s the only way he referred to himself in the emails:

I am checking out the ads in Milwaukee and saw yours.
I want to start a local band and have practice/living space and all band equipment.
The problem is I (and my place) am nowhere near Milwaukee.
If that is not a big problem, write back if you want to write and
experiment with new sounds. I also like Dishwalla and new wave
stuff but it's time for me to be original or be anonymous as I see it.
My place is isolated and I like to keep it that way for business reasons.
I also share commercial and business background and interests, which
is why I decided to write to you asking about your location preferences.
There are no other band people in my network at the present time.
This is a ground floor opportunity but I don't want it becoming a social page topic.

Ok, ummm, this sort of creeps me out a bit. It has that “I want to invite people over so I can hack them up and keep them in my freezer” vibe to it. I almost ignored it, but decided to see if I could figure out any more about what this guy was looking for, since all he said was that he lives nowhere near the city he’s searching for people in, and that he has equipment. I shot him a quick “Hi, please tell me more” type email. A short time later, I received this:

What questions do you have?
I am not by any means what you would say is a musician.
A rock star, maybe, but more by proxy. I consider myself
as getting back into it after being an old man for a lot
of years. But this time it has to be much more organized.
Things were totally helter skelter, but I did have the honor
of being around a lot of music and my musical aptitude
tested very high in my high school aptitude tests, so it
just really makes sense for me in a personal way.
It may not, however, be something an experienced musician
would relate immediately to. I understand that and you should
also consider that living in a city has infinitely more opportunity
to network and learn than where I am from, but on the other
hand, as I said, when I lived in the cities and gigged around I
found it disgustingly juvenile and naïve if one's goal is to make
a difference in the music world. I'm not polished and refined,
as an artist I am folksy and crude, but I recognize greatness by
throwing the paint on the wall and being a good, even great judge
of what sticks. For religion, I have a good web page that explains
my point of view totally, but not because I set out to do that, it
just
kept growing and after I had crunched all the computer code and
physics, all that is left to talk about was religion and how I look at
it.
Read [link]
Again, I don't really like my reputation being kicked around
especially
because I am in such an unpredictable state of affairs right now, just
getting started. So please let's keep this between us. The other page
likes are associates, but they are not involved directly in my music
efforts unless I decide I want to record something or set up a sound
stage for an event of some kind and I am years away from all that.


Ok so umm, what? He’s not a musician, but is a rock star by proxy? WTF does that even mean? Sure, when searching out musicians we frequently get replies from people who sing at a karaoke bar and want to give a band a try. That’s one thing. But then this guy goes off on religion, and crunching computer code. Huh? I removed the link from the email for a reason, because I wanted to comment on it and have the full message he is trying to convey out there before opening his link. Here it is, it’s work safe, nothing vile or anything like that. Take a look and I’ll be waiting here for you when you get back:

http://www.thermcoat.com/

So if you’re anything like me, you probably spent 5 minutes or so clicking around his page, and you still don’t know what the hell you’re looking at. Amidst the references to thermodynamics, aliens, and his run for presidency, there’s a very very strange vibe going on there. I’ve looked back at the web page and seriously don’t know what to make of it. He’s referred to it as religion, but it looks to me more like the insane ramblings of someone like John Nash (A Beautiful Mind - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0268978/). Yet there’s something still really creepy about it, like he wants to try converting the world to his “religion” or whatever it is. Of course, now I’m really interested to see what else I can get out of this guy (see, readers, I’m doing this for you!), so I fire off an email:

Umm. Let's see, where to start. I clicked on the link, and honestly have no clue what I'm looking at. Let's assume that you're talking to a bassist from Milwaukee who is also a computer guy. What exactly are you trying to tell me with this email and with your site? How does my
milwaukeerocks.com ad fit in? Please advise. Thanks.


I figure that’s innocent enough. I mean, my ad was pretty straight forward, and so far he’s told me everything about himself except for anything related to music. His reply:


Well I'm not going to do any interviews over the computer if that's
what you mean.
As far as the web pages, if you want to read it, I put it up for the
public.
If you don't that's fine too.
Just so you know I sell equipment and I have opinions about religion
and tend to write songs that are non-traditional if I can do it.
I am a computer guy also - very much.
One thing I am definitely going to do is to use a computer to do the
drums
using only software.
My only question for you is about distance.
If you have affordable transportation (I have a diesel TDI Volkswagen)
Then we should get together and interview. This stuff over computers
does not work for me. I get impatient with it as I am not used to
writing letters on computers. I like them for math and functionality.
But communication over a screen is not so good for me.


Yah. Umm. Ok. In online poker chat terms, we say:

XaQ Morphy: …………

I can tell he’s getting a bit irritated, but now *I’m* getting irritated at this guy. He still hasn’t told me what the fuck he plays, if anything, what he’s looking for, or what the hell he even wants to try and accomplish. He also keeps throwing in these references to religion, and without me knowing anything about him except for the fact he’s one fucking strange guy, he wants to know if I have transportation and wants to meet. Yeah, sorry dude, ain’t gonna happen. But, that certainly won’t ruin our fun here, so I fire this back to him:

I have affordable transportation, yes. The thing is, I know nothing about what you're looking for, or why you contacted me. To tell you the truth, I'm sort of getting a Jeffrey Dahmer type vibe from all this. Look at it from my perspective. You answered a fairly specific ad I have, provided no information about yourself, what you play, what
your goals are, or what you hope to accomplish, but want to know if I can drive out to your house which is "far away from Milwaukee." What would you think if you were me?


For those that don’t know, Jeffrey Dahmer was a serial killer who stalked young men and killed/ate them. He was a local resident for a long time in the general Milwaukee area. Ok, so throwing that in might be a bit over the top, but I think it makes my point. Notice that I stated I had affordable transportation. A few hours later, he replies:

All I can tell from your correspondence is that
you do not answer my questions concerning
the distance problem and that you are asking
me a lot of questions. I did not write to you
so that I could answer your questions.
You posted the ad. You did not say anything
about distance, so I had to ask you about that.
Once we get that much cleared up, I suppose
would could carry on a conversation.
You are jumping ahead into all sorts of other
things. I can understand your position, but you
are not helping me with my position so it becomes
very hard to try to help you out with all that other
stuff. Now having said that, if you would have
answered my inquiry with - what instruments do you
play now or in the past - or similar questions that
do have a specific answer that is easy for me to
write without writing a book, then of course I would
answer your questions if you keep it simple.
You just said tell me more, and when I did then tell
you a lot more, you seem to be overwhelmed.
Make up your mind. Do you want me to give you
a lot of information or just specific and simple information or
answers?
I can't do both and then deal with your objections to whatever I do
you know.


Yeah, ok killer, let’s focus in on the distance and getting me to your house so you can cut me up into little pieces to feed your fish. Fuck that. He also now alludes to questions that I haven’t directly asked, but have been implied the entire time. He doesn’t answer them of course, but he does bring them up. Ok, I’ve already decided there’s no way in hell I’m ever going to meet this guy, so I go into full out troll mode:

Hi, sorry, I guess I'm new to this. I've only conversed with maybe 200 people from milwaukeerocks.com off and on over the last 10 years or so, so forgive me if I'm going about this the wrong way.

You're asking if I have a problem with the distance. I don't know what the distance is. It's far outside of Milwaukee. Do you mean Waukesha? Madison? Minnesota? California? Neptune? As I'm sure your background in thermal dynamics has made you aware, distance is all relative to the eye of the beholder.

The distance may or may not be a problem, depending on what you have going on and what you're looking for. I mean, if you're looking to do an all female punk cover band and you live across the street from me, I'd say the distance was too far for me to be interested. Does that make sense?

How about you reply to me with information such as what I had in my ad. I stated I was a 34 year old bassist looking to do a modern rock style with jazz and funk influences. I don't even know that much about you.

What do you play?
Are you in a band looking to replace a member, or on your own looking to form something?
What style of music do you want to do?
Do you want to do originals, covers, or a mix?

These types of questions are pretty much assumed when once gets into a conversation such as this. I'm sorry I wasn't more clear in my previous emails. Please advise. Thanks.


One might ask why I bother with this? Well, for material of course! I was hoping he would go off the deep end here, but he actually spent a bit of time replying to my questions. Still, this guy has “I want your liver for breakfast” written all over him. He sent 2 emails, both of which follow:


The distance thing is important to me because I am sure
I would end up visiting you in Milwaukee a lot if this were to happen.
But, you would probably not want to visit my place at all due to
the cost of getting there and just well because it's away from home.
I have a big investment in my place and want to start, and I stress
start,
to use it as a new lifestyle and change my old ways of doing things.
That is why it is just so important to me that I get someone who likes
being at my studio up north, even if they only come in summer or
whatever. For me it's all about being at my place and having a life.
Frankly, there just isn't a lot that I can do or buy with my money
that
makes me happy except that.

Now, I grew up in the 70's and first learned chording and 'popular
music'.
This mean what is called 'headbanger' music. Thump and vertical
movement. I played a LOT of bass, but the bass always follows the
chords and the chords always follow the melody if there is one (and
maybe there isn't like in disco, which I also was in college in the
thick of the disco craze).

so:

What do you play?
I've been not playing at all and don't really want
to get back to the dexterity I once had because I have got 'religion'.
Music is not the answer- art is.
To write music takes different skills than to play it.
But, I do play guitar - bass, 6 string. I have played
but do not know the scales on other instruments, but I am not even
going into that because to compose music
usually requires at least a rudimentary recognition of scales. I
avoided keyboards only because I can find my way around a guitar and
feel it offers a very efficient
layout- even too efficient if you read some songwriter comments - it
lets you do things in small spaces that are really big moves
musically.

Are you in a band looking to replace a member, or on your own looking

to form something? Oh I would hire musicians if I thought I was ready
to perform or had good material.
I would pay them by the hour. They are available.
What style of music do you want to do? Classical
songwriting. Composing for bass about 1/2 and composing
with chords and melody about 1/2 and some substitution
of lyrics onto other already done melody. Most of the
black ghetto music is really sampled from previous rap
music, they stay with successful styles. I am open to
some experiments but also a unabashed commercialist.

Do you want to do originals, covers, or a mix?

No covers. I don't even want to do anything that is
already done that is the way it WAS already done.
I would however be open to traveling to see other bands
that are doing something new to get inspiration.
I feel that is important

All this would cost my partner some money, and me too.
I'm a little on the cheap side so I would recommend
doing travel on a budget basis like putting in $350 every 3 months to
a fund to be used to travel to some kind of obscure events to find
materials and new styles.

Distance: I live about 100 miles north of Milwaukee but I live with my
parents and don't want to stay tied to them. My new place is exactly
100 miles north of here and is really two smaller buildings, each with
two floors. It is new and I am very well educated and have not had to
work due to my situation living with my parents who are really just
getting too old for me to tolerate. The place is sort of a getaway. I
want to change it into a commercial base for music in some form, but I
really can't say for absolute certainty what that might be. I am not
expert in music but more of an avid fan that has a lot of ambition.
The thing that scares me about writing to someone in Milwaukee is that
there are better more qualified people in any big population.
My approach is very grass roots, ground up and kind of
Arlo Guthry I suppose, more than it is The Beatles.
But that's who I am and why I am responding to what to me is a 1) Bass
player who 2) wants or at least reads the books about lyrical
songwriting in the popular music genre - you know chorus, hook, - I
buy some books on the stuff - very professional stuff, but I always
felt if I guy could lay down a really great bass line, well, I could
write some lyrics and who cares... Everybody is listing to the bass
and dancing. Just give me Michael jackson's rhythm and or Shariah
(law) we don't like it.. Rock the Casba and you've got yourself all
you need. Elegant lyrical poems are great, but anybody could be a big
artist if they really worked just on ART.
And I work on ART a lot. Not just music. Deco.
It's stuff like that that I'm all enthused about.
Lots of lyrics you read say 'the shareef he don't like it' But really
it was written as Shariah - we don't like it ... Because Shariah law
in Islam is what says
you can't have any music, must dress in drab clothes,
not women, no alcohol....
you get the idea. I like stuff like that . High impact.
High deco.
Also any alien modern, industrial type music.
Distortion and effects. Not too fancy on the guitar.





I re-read your ad and I think maybe
you were adding in a few comments about
writing music that I took to mean you were
already decided that you wanted to go with
all original music.

But it's true your ad does not actually say that.
It leaves open the possibility that you could
play the styles rock, jazz you mentioned.

Well, I don't know if you are black white, good
bad, I just don't know much about you either
and yes one of the assumptions is that people
with similar likes in type of music will usually
only talk with people who also like that kind
of music. But, to me, being interested in doing
your own thing would lead me to think that
all the likes and dislikes don't count, because who
really know what they will come up with when you
start working with completely original ideas.
So, I will just take a bit of a risk and say this:
I was thinking that I would go ahead and put together
a computer system that plays drums: (Steinberg rhythm agent 3
or something like it - depending on how interested you or someone
else like you is)
Then, using the drum programming as a basic rhythm, I would
have you add a bass thing.
After which I would add chords and melody and vocals.
The guitar lead parts and such are usually done last in my view,
unless a guitarist was involved in the idea.
Take for example "The Wall' by pink floyd.
My idea would be first just some chorus AHS and drums.
Maybe a few cowbells.
I send it to you for a crude bass sample. Maybe a few bars.
Could use computers until we really have something to work on.
This could all take some re-trials. You don't like the rhythm or
whatever - maybe I have a lyric I intend to blend into the drum beats.
So, you have to reject the lyrics as being debased and we start over.
Meanwhile, you will probably find other guys who play established
music you like and just work me in on the side.
I guess that's probably how this would have to work anyway.
It is not a short term thing - it is just that I am thinking working
on it exclusively and I don't think from what you said so far that
you really have any such intention, unless you find yourself suddenly
living in the basement or something.

Anyway, write back. This type of non-musical music is always tough
to sell to somebody with recent network contacts and options.



Yikes. That’s all I can really say. I mean, wow. Based on his information and his picture on his web site, he’s in his mid to late 40’s, lives with his parents, doesn’t work, but is getting sick of his parents. Took him long enough. I can’t even get into the answers he gave to my questions, or what he’s looking to do. The only thing that would make this better would be if he sent some samples of his work along, because I honestly can’t even begin to imagine what music written by this nutcase would sound like.

I shot him a fairly generic “hi, I’m not interested” type email, telling him that I found a drummer and guitarist and want to work locally with them. Although I’m sure I could have dragged this on until he totally snapped, I didn’t want to turn the news on one night to hear about a double murder of his parents and know that I might have been the one to push him over the edge. Just not something I need on my conscience right now. He did leave one parting email, and yeah, he’s way out there:

Reply.
Thanks for answering.
I decided to put some ads in for the
people who are looking for exactly what I want.
I've been putting it off for so many years, I guess
I just wanted to get a little bit of cold water on my
body first. So, anyway, I put it under vocals because
there is no place for songwriter only ads.
Then I started looking nationally on Google and found
some people with ads that at least confirm some of me
instincts - one said 'looking for art metal songwriting'.
And he would relocate anywhere.
I just don't get that on Milwaukee rocks. Nobody ever
wants to relocate or get out into the secluded areas.
I'll be fine, but if I really can't get someone without a heroic
effort, then I will fall back on paying for a bass line.
I just know from experience that doing it all myself when I'm
in a creative mode of thinking is too risky and superficial.
I'm good but nobody is that good in other words.
Thanks again


So that’s that. Thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. As I alluded to up there somewhere, I do have another somewhat similar situation that I ran into a few years ago, and that came back around a few weeks ago. I’ll work on putting them together and getting them posted in the somewhat near future. I also have at least 2 other parts from The List to post. Stay tuned. Thanks for reading, and keep on donking!

Yours donkily,

Morphy

Will Donk for 25c

Good day Manifestites! Today’s tale of woe brings us into the world of rampaging, and gives a view to the inner life of a rampager. We’re not talking about Fell’s diet coke with a pink umbrella rampage, we’re talking about the real thing. So, pull up a chair, sit back, and enjoy!

RGPer Esko has documented quite a few of his rampages. What’s a rampage? By coined term definition, it is the process of taking small amounts of money and running it up to very large amounts of money while putting almost all the money at risk at any given time. Esko’s claim to fame is taking less than a dollar and working it up to tens of thousands of dollars, all within a few day’s time. Rampaging is an art, a skill, and a disease all in one. The highs of hitting a flush draw with 5 high in a $800 pot are countered by the lows of losing with AA vs. 44 in a $2000 pot. Sometimes things even reverse themselves.

I want to warn you in advance. The following contains IM chats and table chats from Esko, and well, they are quite painful to the uninitiated. It seems Esko has invented his own language (dubbed Esko-speak) that is sometimes very hard to follow. I’m sure I will lose many a nit here, but hey, when have I ever been known to cater to nits?

The other night thenutlow and I were screwing around playing a PL Omaha headsup match on FullTilt. All of a sudden, like a horde of buzzing locusts, Esko shows up on the rail. He announces that he will play the winner of the match. As expected, he has no money online. Shortly after that, this IM chat ensued (note that any time differences are due to the fact that thenutlow is in the UK):

[23:15] XaQ Morphy: should I send esko money to play razz headsup?
[23:15] XaQ Morphy: lol
[23:15] thenutlow: lol
[23:15] thenutlow: poor kid
[23:16] thenutlow: [05:16] thenutlow (to esko): ill send u $2 so u can play a sng
[05:16] thenutlow (to esko): get you on ur way

[23:16] XaQ Morphy: looool
[23:17] XaQ Morphy: not sure if you can send less than 5
[23:17] thenutlow: shit
[23:17] thenutlow: min of $5
[23:17] XaQ Morphy: lol send him 5 then
[23:17] thenutlow: lol
[23:17] XaQ Morphy: he still has to play a less than $5 sng
[23:17] XaQ Morphy: it's more insulting that way
[23:17] thenutlow: was just laughing at that
[23:18] thenutlow: $5 shipped

So the setup is underway. Esko wants to play a $5.25 match, and only has $5. What shall he do? So he hits me up via IM…

[23:20] eskabor: sir
[23:20] eskabor: i challenge yiou
[23:20] eskabor: to a duel
[23:20] eskabor: horse hu
[23:21] XaQ Morphy: horse is ok
[23:21] XaQ Morphy: I suck headsup
[23:21] eskabor: good
[23:21] eskabor: gg your life
[23:21] XaQ Morphy: but I beat Fell at horse in the first hand of razz
[23:22] XaQ Morphy: you got 5.25?
[23:22] eskabor: false
[23:22] eskabor: 5
[23:22] XaQ Morphy: lol
[23:22] XaQ Morphy: obtain a quarter
[23:22] XaQ Morphy: then we'll talk
[23:22] eskabor: ship
[23:22] XaQ Morphy: can't ship less than 5
[23:22] XaQ Morphy: so go get 25c
[23:22] XaQ Morphy: should be easy
[23:22] XaQ Morphy: sit at a 10c/25c table
[23:22] XaQ Morphy: jam first hand

Meanwhile, in a chat to thenutlow:

[05:22] eskabor: ffs
[05:23] eskabor: why you send 5 exactly
[05:23] eskabor: you sob

…and the groundwork has been laid. The only thing to do is sit back and watch the train wreck unfold.

Full Tilt Poker Game #1522619835: Table Fairfield - $0.10/$0.25 - No Limit Hold'em - 0:23:40 ET - 2007/01/03
Seat 4: Mold ($21.25)
Seat 5: sleepydoggie ($16.55)
Seat 6: EskaborReturns ($5)
sleepydoggie posts the small blind of $0.10
EskaborReturns posts the big blind of $0.25
The button is in seat #4
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to EskaborReturns [7s Ah]
Mold calls $0.25
sleepydoggie calls $0.15
EskaborReturns raises to $5, and is all in
Mold calls $4.75
sleepydoggie folds
EskaborReturns shows [7s Ah]
Mold shows [Ad As]
*** FLOP *** [7h 2h 8d]
*** TURN *** [7h 2h 8d] [3h]
*** RIVER *** [7h 2h 8d 3h] [Qc]
EskaborReturns shows a pair of Sevens
Mold shows a pair of Aces
Mold wins the pot ($9.75) with a pair of Aces
EskaborReturns is sitting out
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot $10.25 | Rake $0.50
Board: [7h 2h 8d 3h Qc]
Seat 4: Mold (button) showed [Ad As] and won ($9.75) with a pair of Aces
Seat 5: sleepydoggie (small blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 6: EskaborReturns (big blind) showed [7s Ah] and lost with a pair of Sevens

There it is! While this is surely one of the more enjoyable things I’ve been able to witness, I do have to say there’s a bit of “had to be there” involved. So as if a script was written and played out, we decided to see where it would go. Naturally, I sent him $5 exactly.

[23:25] XaQ Morphy: ok sent
[23:26] eskabor: OMFG
[23:26] eskabor: IS THIS SOME CRUEL JOKE

Funny he should use those exact words:

Full Tilt Poker Game #1522651673: Table Fairfield - $0.10/$0.25 - No Limit Hold'em - 0:28:35 ET - 2007/01/03
Seat 2: leagalterms ($10)
Seat 3: lldiablo ($7.55)
Seat 4: Mold ($29.35)
Seat 5: sleepydoggie ($12.20)
Seat 6: EskaborReturns ($5)
sleepydoggie posts the small blind of $0.10
sleepydoggie: nh
EskaborReturns posts the big blind of $0.25
lldiablo posts $0.25
5 seconds left to act
Mold: ty
leagalterms posts $0.25
The button is in seat #4
*** HOLE CARDS ***
leagalterms checks
lldiablo checks
Mold folds
sleepydoggie calls $0.15
EskaborReturns raises to $5, and is all in
leagalterms folds
sleepydoggie: surprise!
lldiablo raises to $7.55, and is all in
sleepydoggie folds
lldiablo shows [4c 6c]
EskaborReturns shows [Ad 4s]
Uncalled bet of $2.55 returned to lldiablo
*** FLOP *** [5d 4h 2d]
*** TURN *** [5d 4h 2d] [3s]
*** RIVER *** [5d 4h 2d 3s] [6d]
lldiablo shows a straight, Six high
EskaborReturns shows a straight, Six high
EskaborReturns ties for the pot ($5) with a straight, Six high
lldiablo ties for the pot ($5) with a straight, Six high
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot $10.50 | Rake $0.50
Board: [5d 4h 2d 3s 6d]
Seat 2: leagalterms folded before the Flop
Seat 3: lldiablo showed [4c 6c] and won ($5) with a straight, Six high
Seat 4: Mold (button) didn't bet (folded)
Seat 5: sleepydoggie (small blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 6: EskaborReturns (big blind) showed [Ad 4s] and won ($5) with a straight, Six high

Oooh, so close! Talk about getting owned and coming back to break dead even. But wait, there’s more…the very next hand:

Full Tilt Poker Game #1522656869: Table Fairfield - $0.10/$0.25 - No Limit Hold'em - 0:29:23 ET - 2007/01/03
Seat 2: leagalterms ($9.75)
Seat 3: lldiablo ($7.55)
Seat 4: Mold ($29.35)
Seat 5: sleepydoggie ($11.95)
Seat 6: EskaborReturns ($5)
sleepydoggie: lol
EskaborReturns posts the small blind of $0.10
Mold: lucky
leagalterms posts the big blind of $0.25
The button is in seat #5
*** HOLE CARDS ***
lldiablo raises to $7.55, and is all in
Mold: oohhhh i want to
Mold folds
sleepydoggie raises to $11.95, and is all in
EskaborReturns calls $4.90, and is all in
leagalterms folds
sleepydoggie shows [Ad Ac]
EskaborReturns shows [Ah Kd]
lldiablo shows [7s 4s]
Uncalled bet of $4.40 returned to sleepydoggie
*** FLOP *** [7c 6c Th]
Mold: nice
*** TURN *** [7c 6c Th] [2d]
yellaboy8578 sits down
yellaboy8578 adds $10
*** RIVER *** [7c 6c Th 2d] [4c]
sleepydoggie shows a pair of Aces
lldiablo shows two pair, Sevens and Fours
lldiablo wins the side pot ($4.85) with two pair, Sevens and Fours
EskaborReturns shows Ace King high
lldiablo wins the main pot ($14.50) with two pair, Sevens and Fours
sleepydoggie: damn!
EskaborReturns is sitting out
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot $20.35 Main pot $15.25. Side pot $5.10. | Rake $1
Board: [7c 6c Th 2d 4c]
Seat 2: leagalterms (big blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 3: lldiablo showed [7s 4s] and won ($19.35) with two pair, Sevens and Fours
Seat 4: Mold didn't bet (folded)
Seat 5: sleepydoggie (button) showed [Ad Ac] and lost with a pair of Aces
Seat 6: EskaborReturns (small blind) showed [Ah Kd] and lost with Ace King high

EskaborReturns: !&&# YOU
Mold: was talking to sleepy
EskaborReturns: ONCE AGAIN
EskaborReturns: &%%# YOU
EskaborReturns: UP YOUR #@!
EskaborReturns: GO %%$& A GOAT
Mold: LOL
EskaborReturns: YOU WANTED A NIGGA
lldiablo: lool
EskaborReturns: NIGGA HERE NOW
EskaborReturns: GO !$$# A GOAT
EskaborReturns: YOU ARE SO UP YOUR ASSES

By this time, thenutlow and I are in tears besides ourselves, and every little extra thing makes us laugh even harder. My wife looked at me like I was insane because I was laughing so hard. Poor fucker runs into AA twice in an attempt to win 25c. Chat ensues:

[23:31] eskabor: WTF IS THIS
[23:31] eskabor: INSANE
[23:31] eskabor: WHY NOT JUST SHIP 5.25 ASDFJLKJASDFLASDFJA
[23:32] XaQ Morphy: well I figured an established poker player such as yourself could figure out how to win a quarter!
[23:32] XaQ Morphy: I guess not!
[23:33] eskabor: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO
[23:33] eskabor: THIS IS SO CRUEL
[23:33] eskabor: THATS MY FUCKING POKER CAREER
[23:33] eskabor: IN A BUNDLE
[23:33] XaQ Morphy: lolol
[23:33] eskabor: BAM FIRST I GET FUCKED RUN INTO AA
[23:33] eskabor: ITS OK, I BOUNCE BACK, SCRAPE TOGETHER FUNDS
[23:33] eskabor: LOOKS LIKE IM GONNA MAKE IT
[23:34] eskabor: BAM SICK TURN SICK RIVER TO SAVE ME
[23:34] eskabor: LOOKS LIKE I HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE
[23:34] eskabor: AK OMFGZERZ YOUR REALLY DOING GOOD NOW MAN
[23:34] eskabor: AA GG ESKO CAREER
[23:35] XaQ Morphy: well the plus side
[23:35] XaQ Morphy: I have a blog entry to write now
[23:35] eskabor: LOL T?
[23:35] eskabor: HOW TO LOSE TEN DOLLARS
[23:35] eskabor: AS STATISTICAL FAV
[23:35] eskabor: TO GET 25 CENTS?
[23:35] XaQ Morphy: I might title it differently
[23:35] XaQ Morphy: but yeah


[05:36] eskabor: YOU FUCKERS SENT ME A QUARTER SHORT
[05:36] eskabor: ON PURPOSE!
[05:36] eskabor: SO INSANE THAT IT HAPPENS TO WORK OUT FOR YOUR JOKE
[05:36] eskabor: FUCKING AA AA
[05:36] eskabor: INSANE
[05:37] eskabor: ODDS?
[05:37] eskabor: ESPECIALLY WHEN I HAVE AN ACE EACH TIME?
[05:37] eskabor: ODDS?!?!??!?!
[05:37] eskabor: MAN THOSE HH WOULD MAKE A GREAT BBV THREAD
[05:37] eskabor: FUCKERS BANNED ME

So there we have it. Remember kids, rampaging may damage parts of your brain. If you’re looking for the never-ending fame that naturally comes by landing yourself on the Manifesto, keep at it. Otherwise, watch out, it’s a cruel cruel world out there!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Donkey Manifesto Presents - The List

Hello Manifestites! This is it, the moment you've all been waiting for. The Donkey Manifesto proudly presents, The List. Some of you have heard about The List, some of you have seen quotes from The List, and some of you are even on The List.

What is the list? Well, as this famous blogger once said:

XaQ Morphy: it's a, ummm, work in progress.

Starting last year around neck surgery time, a group of us started creating IM chat rooms. These rooms usually had a few core members, and we expanded and invited several others. Most of the times we sat chatting about whatever was on our minds, what was on TV, etc. Sometimes we would rail someone playing a tournament, and a lot of times we would each be playing something separately and use the chat room to whine about bad beats and make fun of people. The List started with a famous quote from Muk that you'll soon see, and after that, anything that I felt was amusing, I'd paste into a document and save for later. Some of the quotes have meaning, some don't. Some were obviously percoset induced, others weren't.

The List has manifested itself into a living, breathing being. It is beyond control, and has demanded I release part of it to the blog. So what am I to do? Surely I can't refuse a beast such as this? I'm not really sure how I'm going to go about doing this yet, but I do know that there will be more than one entry. A note to those nits out there...I don't care if you don't find this funny. I find it funny and that's all that matters. For some of the quotes I will try and set up what the base story was behind it, for others, I won't. So let's start with the quote that started it all...

Mukwrm715: i am tearing through my stars money like the site is closing down in 10 minutes

Too bad Muk wasn't around for the closing of JetSet. Others had lofty goals but apparently never reached them:

[22:32] joe man dead: i got 15 in ub
[22:32] joe man dead: cents
[22:32] joe man dead: got to make 1.10
[22:32] joe man dead: from.15 going to do it
[22:34] joe man dead: got nothin now
[22:35] Mukwrm715: a long hard fought battle

and:

[23:42] Eskabor: what a fucking faggot
[23:42] Eskabor: fuck fuck fuck
[23:42] Eskabor: my parents are gonna killl me
[23:42] thenutlow: how much yu got now
[23:42] Eskabor: 3.50

FellKnight has said many times that I have a strange mind for finding patterns in words. I don't think of it, I just see things. Very strange. The neat thing about the list is I can invent conversations that never happened. Or did they?

Mister Teeny: I AM THE REAL DEAL
GambleAB: I WAS ON TV!
GambleAB: I DEMAND RESPECT!
Mister Teeny: DONT CALL ME NO NIT
GambleAB: I DRIVE A FORD FOCUS!
Mister Teeny: HIT THE RAIL DONK
Mister Teeny: CLOSE THE DOOR ON THE WAY OUT
GambleAB: blblblblblbllblblblblbllblblblblblbl

Speaking of GambleAB, before he got rich and famous, we used to rail a few of his tourneys. Watching him blow up at his opponents is a site to seen, which is talked about here:

XaQ Morphy: someone asked me why I like to watch gambleab play
XaQ Morphy: I said it was like a guy swinging a chainsaw around in a public place. You want to get close enough to see it just in case he cuts his own head off, but you want to stay far enough away in case he goes into the crowd

Mukwrm715: i am debating on whether it would be cool or crappy to watch someone hack off their own head

Also on the subject of famous online players, Mister Teeny lands at gank's table one day:

Mister Teeny: if gank was old enough, I wish he was my father
Mister Teeny: gank lives for his railtards

The List also helps us see how people progress over time. Or regressed, however the case may be:

9/16/05 - Mister Teeny [observer]: YOU ARE THE WORST PLAYER I HAVE EVER SEEN
12/17/06 - Mister Teeny [observer]: WAS THE WIRST PLAY I EVER SORE

Typos are fun. As are comments made after cleaning keyboards, and apple martini influenced "no, I really do have a new keyboard" comments:

Mister Teeny: saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasaaaadssaqwqyttttttttttttttttttjhhhhhhhh/......../ul
Mister Teeny: sry.. meant ul

Mukwrm715: iganr/ionai9rbnmwrab9nm'ba rgawjrironmv bkclxn;

thenutlow: what toiuyrby?

RonDworkin: et s wf****eoua
RonDworkin: a
RonDworkin: yes

misst74: uif toiuy \\\misst74: Wjhere tjhe fiuck are you plai8ying?
misst74: IM SO FUCKING SMARKT
misst74: sSHUT UP

Add the two previous ideas together, and it almost looks like they are trying to communicate:

misst74: giw tge
gastonne [observer]: se eho ksanadei...eisai magas!
misst74: uf sineibe

And of course, the mother of all typos. Previously the leader was Muk's typo of furniture that came out as "furtinate." But this one takes the cake. TNL and I were watching someone else play, and saw 2 idiots get all-in with ridiculous hands. When one of them lost, TNL went to comment on the "bad beat" but seems to have missed a few words. The result?

thenutlow: suck a sick bear

So there we have it. The List. The quotes above make up about 10% of what I have, and I'm constantly adding to it. I'll take IM chat, table chat, emails, RGP posts, etc. and add them in. I don't go for live quotes because I can't copy and paste them, and well, typing is hard. I plan on having a few different series of these entries containing quotes from The List. Next up is poker talk/strategy. After that will be the animal related quotes, which as far as I'm concerned contains the best material, although it's a toss-up between that and the sexual innuendo quotes. Until next time, I'll leave you with a reflective quote from Muk:

Mukwrm715: so adam ft's in a game he claims no knowledge of, james wins a tournament, and i get beat by a 3 outer
Mukwrm715: looks like things are back to normal

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Dnky Mnfsto n th Wld

Greetings Manifestites! Lately nothing has been going on. Days go by, no interesting driving stories, nothing all that interesting at work, and things are just going by day by day. That doesn't mean anything is wrong, it just makes for not much going on with the blog. I do have a few posts in the works, but until they come to fruition, I haven't run into any situations worthy of writing about. Until tonight.

The situation is a cash game on a major poker site. About 5 hands in I see a free flop with A5h, flop the nut flush and a gutshot nut straight draw, and get people who apparently learned how to bet on Sesame Street. They gave me over 5:1 odds on the turn, I hit the flush on the river, and this one chick goes off on me. The chat after that just got bizarre. I'll leave it relatively unedited, but I'll take out non-relevant chat entries and Dealer messages. It's up to you to figure out who I am.

koolaid1: damn flush
Hi Friend: nice cards on river
Hi Friend: congrats
koolaid1: horrible
DOKTER DONKEY: there was only one card on the river
Hi Friend: yeah..the one u neede
Hi Friend: to mak ur flush..congrats
Hi Friend: least say ty
DOKTER DONKEY: actually there were 12 that would have given me the best hand
Hi Friend: true
Hi Friend: appropriately named
Hi Friend: but.....
DOKTER DONKEY: tilty a little?
Hi Friend: i used to play lik that too
DOKTER DONKEY: lol
Hi Friend: sometimes it pays off
DOKTER DONKEY: play like what?
Hi Friend: draw alot for cards
DOKTER DONKEY: nothing wrong with drawing
Hi Friend: nah...we luv it
DOKTER DONKEY: is that why you gave me the perfect odds to call?
Hi Friend: nuthin wd get u off ur draw
DOKTER DONKEY: certainly not the odds you gave me
Hi Friend: hey..dont tak it the wrg way
DOKTER DONKEY: I'm not
Hi Friend: this is pokr
DOKTER DONKEY: www.vowels.com
Hi Friend: i lik to gamble too
DOKTER DONKEY: yes, we all saw your call with AJ and no hand no draw
DOKTER DONKEY: just ask drew
drew_1790: haha
DOKTER DONKEY: well, QQ is better than that AJ mess

I don't remember the exact hand, but this idiot held AJ on a board of QQxx, no hand, no draw, and called down bets from the pre-flop raiser. She appropriately put him on AK, because when the J hit the river she took the pot.

DOKTER DONKEY: but hey
DOKTER DONKEY: I wasn't the one that started attacking others
DOKTER DONKEY: that was tilty over here
Hi Friend: huh?
DOKTER DONKEY: exactly
Hi Friend: u r easily intimidated friend
DOKTER DONKEY: nah
Hi Friend: i was bein nice i said congrats
DOKTER DONKEY: very doubtful
DOKTER DONKEY: Hi Friend: appropriately named
DOKTER DONKEY: remember that?
Hi Friend: i think u may hav been pikd on in school sumtine..
DOKTER DONKEY: holy crap what language is that?
Hi Friend: im not that mean bully friend

Hi Friend: consider me a friend
DOKTER DONKEY: hi friend
DOKTER DONKEY: hah, get it
Hi Friend: not good at short tables either
DOKTER DONKEY: I hate full tables
Hi Friend: i donk off alota money here at the beginner levels
DOKTER DONKEY: and the levels you normally play are?
Hi Friend: 25 cent
DOKTER DONKEY: lol
leosii: lol

So at this point she sits out and leaves. I was a bit disappointed because she was playing like a complete moron, but oh well, not much I can do about it. But wait...about 2 minutes later she sits down on the other side of me.

Hi Friend: hi fellows
DOKTER DONKEY: neat trick
Hi Friend: ohhhh...he friend
Hi Friend: its u again
DOKTER DONKEY: actually still, I didn't go anywhere
Hi Friend: oh my gosh
DOKTER DONKEY: do you have problems finding your way around the house at night?
Hi Friend: i live in a trailer
Hi Friend: st8 shot
DOKTER DONKEY: believe it or not, that's no surprise to me
Hi Friend: 12 foot wide
Hi Friend: i bel u..
Hi Friend: r u always mean and rude to players
Hi Friend: or is it jus me?
DOKTER DONKEY: yeah pretty much
Hi Friend: oh
Hi Friend: well thats maks me feel btr then

Ok so things get real weird now. I run into a lot of idiots in the field, as we call it in the business, and by the business I do mean the industry. But I don't think I've run into something quite like this before...

Hi Friend: r u where u wish to be professinally speakin?
Hi Friend: lik ur job n stuff
Hi Friend: or r u always lookd over when someone else is promoted
DOKTER DONKEY: just got promoted, thanks
DOKTER DONKEY: hopefully you don't work where written communication skills are important?
DOKTER DONKEY: because no offense, but my 6 year old has better communication skills than you do
Hi Friend: jus chatin friend
DOKTER DONKEY: is that slang?
Hi Friend: do u lok for other that hav mistakes?
leosii: yes
DOKTER DONKEY: sometimes I do
leosii: lik txt in u
DOKTER DONKEY: but in your case, I don't have very far to look
Hi Friend: ahhh.u wrk for the govt?
DOKTER DONKEY: no
Hi Friend: govt job...ahhhh
Hi Friend: accounting
DOKTER DONKEY: nope
Hi Friend: lol
leosii: Doc Al how u been?
Hi Friend: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: I'm sorry, I'm a little rusty on nitwit speak, could someone translate that to english for me?
leosii: T2V
Hi Friend: thats mean jus hav fun..
Hi Friend: be nice
Hi Friend: n hav a smile w me
DOKTER DONKEY: no seriously, I have no idea wtf you mean
leosii: nr 4 u
leosii: undersnd
leosii: no
DOKTER DONKEY: ahhhhhhh, I'm being double teamed

So WTF, now this idiot starts in! I couldn't figure out what she was saying, but now I have 2 of them 2 contend with?!?!

Hi Friend: hes a concrete kinda guy
Hi Friend: if he smile he wud get a headache
DOKTER DONKEY: no, reading this is giving me a headache
leosii: u b ok in a bit
Hi Friend: no comma after no
Hi Friend: close enuf 4 govt wrk tho
DOKTER DONKEY: ok, tell me the truth
DOKTER DONKEY: you got a hold of your mom's credit card and are playing online poker, right?
leosii: ur not da acct doc i am
DOKTER DONKEY: I don't even know what that means
Hi Friend: u r confused right?
leosii: 4 sur doc is
Hi Friend: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: yes, mildly confused
DOKTER DONKEY: I don't speak dimwit
DOKTER DONKEY: so I'm having problems translating
leosii: its calld abrvatin
Hi Friend: that doesnt surprize me
DOKTER DONKEY: it's called what?
leosii: ferris, beuller, class, anybody?
Hi Friend: he only understands debits n credits
DOKTER DONKEY: what in the world are you talking about?
leosii: know, (hahah) dats me'
DOKTER DONKEY: I need some aspirin
leosii: no doc al, u need t2v meet in LV!
DOKTER DONKEY: yeah sorry I don't speak moron, so you're gonna have to either start making sense, or get someone to translate
Hi Friend: jus kiddin i hpe i really didnt mak u upset donkey...
DOKTER DONKEY: I'm not upset
DOKTER DONKEY: never was
Hi Friend: k
Hi Friend: that means ok
DOKTER DONKEY: yes, thanks
leosii: tks 4 clfyin 4 him

At this point I couldn't take it anymore, so I unchecked auto-post blind, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just owned by 2 drooling, incompetent idiots, but by then I was really starting to fear for my sanity, since I could feel the brain matter oozing out of my ears.

Until next time kids, have fun!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy