Will Donk for 25c

Good day Manifestites! Today’s tale of woe brings us into the world of rampaging, and gives a view to the inner life of a rampager. We’re not talking about Fell’s diet coke with a pink umbrella rampage, we’re talking about the real thing. So, pull up a chair, sit back, and enjoy!

RGPer Esko has documented quite a few of his rampages. What’s a rampage? By coined term definition, it is the process of taking small amounts of money and running it up to very large amounts of money while putting almost all the money at risk at any given time. Esko’s claim to fame is taking less than a dollar and working it up to tens of thousands of dollars, all within a few day’s time. Rampaging is an art, a skill, and a disease all in one. The highs of hitting a flush draw with 5 high in a $800 pot are countered by the lows of losing with AA vs. 44 in a $2000 pot. Sometimes things even reverse themselves.

I want to warn you in advance. The following contains IM chats and table chats from Esko, and well, they are quite painful to the uninitiated. It seems Esko has invented his own language (dubbed Esko-speak) that is sometimes very hard to follow. I’m sure I will lose many a nit here, but hey, when have I ever been known to cater to nits?

The other night thenutlow and I were screwing around playing a PL Omaha headsup match on FullTilt. All of a sudden, like a horde of buzzing locusts, Esko shows up on the rail. He announces that he will play the winner of the match. As expected, he has no money online. Shortly after that, this IM chat ensued (note that any time differences are due to the fact that thenutlow is in the UK):

[23:15] XaQ Morphy: should I send esko money to play razz headsup?
[23:15] XaQ Morphy: lol
[23:15] thenutlow: lol
[23:15] thenutlow: poor kid
[23:16] thenutlow: [05:16] thenutlow (to esko): ill send u $2 so u can play a sng
[05:16] thenutlow (to esko): get you on ur way

[23:16] XaQ Morphy: looool
[23:17] XaQ Morphy: not sure if you can send less than 5
[23:17] thenutlow: shit
[23:17] thenutlow: min of $5
[23:17] XaQ Morphy: lol send him 5 then
[23:17] thenutlow: lol
[23:17] XaQ Morphy: he still has to play a less than $5 sng
[23:17] XaQ Morphy: it's more insulting that way
[23:17] thenutlow: was just laughing at that
[23:18] thenutlow: $5 shipped

So the setup is underway. Esko wants to play a $5.25 match, and only has $5. What shall he do? So he hits me up via IM…

[23:20] eskabor: sir
[23:20] eskabor: i challenge yiou
[23:20] eskabor: to a duel
[23:20] eskabor: horse hu
[23:21] XaQ Morphy: horse is ok
[23:21] XaQ Morphy: I suck headsup
[23:21] eskabor: good
[23:21] eskabor: gg your life
[23:21] XaQ Morphy: but I beat Fell at horse in the first hand of razz
[23:22] XaQ Morphy: you got 5.25?
[23:22] eskabor: false
[23:22] eskabor: 5
[23:22] XaQ Morphy: lol
[23:22] XaQ Morphy: obtain a quarter
[23:22] XaQ Morphy: then we'll talk
[23:22] eskabor: ship
[23:22] XaQ Morphy: can't ship less than 5
[23:22] XaQ Morphy: so go get 25c
[23:22] XaQ Morphy: should be easy
[23:22] XaQ Morphy: sit at a 10c/25c table
[23:22] XaQ Morphy: jam first hand

Meanwhile, in a chat to thenutlow:

[05:22] eskabor: ffs
[05:23] eskabor: why you send 5 exactly
[05:23] eskabor: you sob

…and the groundwork has been laid. The only thing to do is sit back and watch the train wreck unfold.

Full Tilt Poker Game #1522619835: Table Fairfield - $0.10/$0.25 - No Limit Hold'em - 0:23:40 ET - 2007/01/03
Seat 4: Mold ($21.25)
Seat 5: sleepydoggie ($16.55)
Seat 6: EskaborReturns ($5)
sleepydoggie posts the small blind of $0.10
EskaborReturns posts the big blind of $0.25
The button is in seat #4
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to EskaborReturns [7s Ah]
Mold calls $0.25
sleepydoggie calls $0.15
EskaborReturns raises to $5, and is all in
Mold calls $4.75
sleepydoggie folds
EskaborReturns shows [7s Ah]
Mold shows [Ad As]
*** FLOP *** [7h 2h 8d]
*** TURN *** [7h 2h 8d] [3h]
*** RIVER *** [7h 2h 8d 3h] [Qc]
EskaborReturns shows a pair of Sevens
Mold shows a pair of Aces
Mold wins the pot ($9.75) with a pair of Aces
EskaborReturns is sitting out
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot $10.25 | Rake $0.50
Board: [7h 2h 8d 3h Qc]
Seat 4: Mold (button) showed [Ad As] and won ($9.75) with a pair of Aces
Seat 5: sleepydoggie (small blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 6: EskaborReturns (big blind) showed [7s Ah] and lost with a pair of Sevens

There it is! While this is surely one of the more enjoyable things I’ve been able to witness, I do have to say there’s a bit of “had to be there” involved. So as if a script was written and played out, we decided to see where it would go. Naturally, I sent him $5 exactly.

[23:25] XaQ Morphy: ok sent
[23:26] eskabor: OMFG
[23:26] eskabor: IS THIS SOME CRUEL JOKE

Funny he should use those exact words:

Full Tilt Poker Game #1522651673: Table Fairfield - $0.10/$0.25 - No Limit Hold'em - 0:28:35 ET - 2007/01/03
Seat 2: leagalterms ($10)
Seat 3: lldiablo ($7.55)
Seat 4: Mold ($29.35)
Seat 5: sleepydoggie ($12.20)
Seat 6: EskaborReturns ($5)
sleepydoggie posts the small blind of $0.10
sleepydoggie: nh
EskaborReturns posts the big blind of $0.25
lldiablo posts $0.25
5 seconds left to act
Mold: ty
leagalterms posts $0.25
The button is in seat #4
*** HOLE CARDS ***
leagalterms checks
lldiablo checks
Mold folds
sleepydoggie calls $0.15
EskaborReturns raises to $5, and is all in
leagalterms folds
sleepydoggie: surprise!
lldiablo raises to $7.55, and is all in
sleepydoggie folds
lldiablo shows [4c 6c]
EskaborReturns shows [Ad 4s]
Uncalled bet of $2.55 returned to lldiablo
*** FLOP *** [5d 4h 2d]
*** TURN *** [5d 4h 2d] [3s]
*** RIVER *** [5d 4h 2d 3s] [6d]
lldiablo shows a straight, Six high
EskaborReturns shows a straight, Six high
EskaborReturns ties for the pot ($5) with a straight, Six high
lldiablo ties for the pot ($5) with a straight, Six high
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot $10.50 | Rake $0.50
Board: [5d 4h 2d 3s 6d]
Seat 2: leagalterms folded before the Flop
Seat 3: lldiablo showed [4c 6c] and won ($5) with a straight, Six high
Seat 4: Mold (button) didn't bet (folded)
Seat 5: sleepydoggie (small blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 6: EskaborReturns (big blind) showed [Ad 4s] and won ($5) with a straight, Six high

Oooh, so close! Talk about getting owned and coming back to break dead even. But wait, there’s more…the very next hand:

Full Tilt Poker Game #1522656869: Table Fairfield - $0.10/$0.25 - No Limit Hold'em - 0:29:23 ET - 2007/01/03
Seat 2: leagalterms ($9.75)
Seat 3: lldiablo ($7.55)
Seat 4: Mold ($29.35)
Seat 5: sleepydoggie ($11.95)
Seat 6: EskaborReturns ($5)
sleepydoggie: lol
EskaborReturns posts the small blind of $0.10
Mold: lucky
leagalterms posts the big blind of $0.25
The button is in seat #5
*** HOLE CARDS ***
lldiablo raises to $7.55, and is all in
Mold: oohhhh i want to
Mold folds
sleepydoggie raises to $11.95, and is all in
EskaborReturns calls $4.90, and is all in
leagalterms folds
sleepydoggie shows [Ad Ac]
EskaborReturns shows [Ah Kd]
lldiablo shows [7s 4s]
Uncalled bet of $4.40 returned to sleepydoggie
*** FLOP *** [7c 6c Th]
Mold: nice
*** TURN *** [7c 6c Th] [2d]
yellaboy8578 sits down
yellaboy8578 adds $10
*** RIVER *** [7c 6c Th 2d] [4c]
sleepydoggie shows a pair of Aces
lldiablo shows two pair, Sevens and Fours
lldiablo wins the side pot ($4.85) with two pair, Sevens and Fours
EskaborReturns shows Ace King high
lldiablo wins the main pot ($14.50) with two pair, Sevens and Fours
sleepydoggie: damn!
EskaborReturns is sitting out
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot $20.35 Main pot $15.25. Side pot $5.10. | Rake $1
Board: [7c 6c Th 2d 4c]
Seat 2: leagalterms (big blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 3: lldiablo showed [7s 4s] and won ($19.35) with two pair, Sevens and Fours
Seat 4: Mold didn't bet (folded)
Seat 5: sleepydoggie (button) showed [Ad Ac] and lost with a pair of Aces
Seat 6: EskaborReturns (small blind) showed [Ah Kd] and lost with Ace King high

EskaborReturns: !&&# YOU
Mold: was talking to sleepy
EskaborReturns: ONCE AGAIN
EskaborReturns: &%%# YOU
EskaborReturns: UP YOUR #@!
EskaborReturns: GO %%$& A GOAT
Mold: LOL
EskaborReturns: YOU WANTED A NIGGA
lldiablo: lool
EskaborReturns: NIGGA HERE NOW
EskaborReturns: GO !$$# A GOAT
EskaborReturns: YOU ARE SO UP YOUR ASSES

By this time, thenutlow and I are in tears besides ourselves, and every little extra thing makes us laugh even harder. My wife looked at me like I was insane because I was laughing so hard. Poor fucker runs into AA twice in an attempt to win 25c. Chat ensues:

[23:31] eskabor: WTF IS THIS
[23:31] eskabor: INSANE
[23:31] eskabor: WHY NOT JUST SHIP 5.25 ASDFJLKJASDFLASDFJA
[23:32] XaQ Morphy: well I figured an established poker player such as yourself could figure out how to win a quarter!
[23:32] XaQ Morphy: I guess not!
[23:33] eskabor: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO
[23:33] eskabor: THIS IS SO CRUEL
[23:33] eskabor: THATS MY FUCKING POKER CAREER
[23:33] eskabor: IN A BUNDLE
[23:33] XaQ Morphy: lolol
[23:33] eskabor: BAM FIRST I GET FUCKED RUN INTO AA
[23:33] eskabor: ITS OK, I BOUNCE BACK, SCRAPE TOGETHER FUNDS
[23:33] eskabor: LOOKS LIKE IM GONNA MAKE IT
[23:34] eskabor: BAM SICK TURN SICK RIVER TO SAVE ME
[23:34] eskabor: LOOKS LIKE I HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE
[23:34] eskabor: AK OMFGZERZ YOUR REALLY DOING GOOD NOW MAN
[23:34] eskabor: AA GG ESKO CAREER
[23:35] XaQ Morphy: well the plus side
[23:35] XaQ Morphy: I have a blog entry to write now
[23:35] eskabor: LOL T?
[23:35] eskabor: HOW TO LOSE TEN DOLLARS
[23:35] eskabor: AS STATISTICAL FAV
[23:35] eskabor: TO GET 25 CENTS?
[23:35] XaQ Morphy: I might title it differently
[23:35] XaQ Morphy: but yeah


[05:36] eskabor: YOU FUCKERS SENT ME A QUARTER SHORT
[05:36] eskabor: ON PURPOSE!
[05:36] eskabor: SO INSANE THAT IT HAPPENS TO WORK OUT FOR YOUR JOKE
[05:36] eskabor: FUCKING AA AA
[05:36] eskabor: INSANE
[05:37] eskabor: ODDS?
[05:37] eskabor: ESPECIALLY WHEN I HAVE AN ACE EACH TIME?
[05:37] eskabor: ODDS?!?!??!?!
[05:37] eskabor: MAN THOSE HH WOULD MAKE A GREAT BBV THREAD
[05:37] eskabor: FUCKERS BANNED ME

So there we have it. Remember kids, rampaging may damage parts of your brain. If you’re looking for the never-ending fame that naturally comes by landing yourself on the Manifesto, keep at it. Otherwise, watch out, it’s a cruel cruel world out there!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy