Are You a Donk or a Donk?

Hello Manifestites! I bet you've been wondering if your fearless leader has left you. Never fear my loyal readers of the donk. I am here and well, albeit short on material, and even shorter on patience and motivation to put things together. I know I owe you the next entry for The List, and I've actually totally ignored a few Donkeys on Wheels possibilities, but fear not, I have not left you. Today's entry features one particularly inept donk, a few games of what I like to call workplace babelfish, and even my mom trying to make the blog. Actually now that I have it written out it will likely move into more than one entry, but I liked the workplace babelfish line so I decided to keep it. Anyway, go grab a nice tall cool glass of stfu and listen juice, and well, stfu and listen. Onwards!

As some of you know, I've been working in the IT industry for a gruelling 15 some years. Recent jobs have had me working a lot with Citrix and VMWare, and running the server environments for large companies in the Milwaukee, WI area. I'm at one of those now, a large manufacturing company with nearly 1500 servers located around the globe. I get all sorts of issues that come up, but I've managed to trick people into thinking I'm one of the smarter members on my team (not very tough considering some of the competition), and as a result I get all the "special" issues to deal with (read: crap sandwiches).

I'd like to share with you some chats I've had with a guy we'll call Pat because, well, that's his name. Pat is a pretty stupid moron of a donk, but we won't let that get in the way of his goals to apparently be the most clueless person possible. He somehow managed to get his co-worker Bill (mentioned later) fired, and inherited all the shit that this other guy did, and of course doesn't know a fucking thing about it. So his default course of action is to blame it on us. (We're called the Wintel team by the way). Favorite phrases of his are "I don't know anything about this, Wintel has always handled it for us" and "uhhh, vmkdfmmfkdlj; ". Most of the stuff we get is all tracked in a ticketing system, and even though were *supposed* to be considered tier 3, we get all sorts of ridiculous shit sent our way. So here's the notes in the ticket I receive:

Need to have someone to shut down processes on Server237 and Server238. Do not restart the process, but shut it down.

Seems pretty simple, right? Sure, but dear Pat, WHAT FUCKING PROCESSES DO YOU WANT SHUT DOWN YOU MORON??!?!? Uhhh, sorry. You guys aren't as far along as I am. So I pull up my IM program and decide to see how badly he wants to piss me off today:

Morphy: Hi Patrick
Pat: Hello
Morphy: for this ticket, what processes do you need shut down on Server237/238?
Pat: dcm on 238 and background processor and websphere on 237
Morphy: are you the app owner for these servers?
Pat: yes, I just don't have remote access yet, Bill was gonna do it, however, he has left for the day

Great, for a quick translation: the guy who knows wtf he's doing left for the day, and asked this retard to handle it. We get requests like this all the time...the application owners want to do something to their app that likely will fuck it up for all future use, and want us to abet them in their donkness. Wonderful. I don't know what these services do and frankly I don't care. But I know that sometimes these guys reboot the servers during their work, and a standard Windows service when set to automatic will start automatically (neat, huh?) at boot-up. So I try to get more info from him. I'm already logged into the server remotely and am starting to look for whatever it is that he's talking about.

Morphy: ok, are they services that start up? Do you want me to set them to disabled? If so, who will take care of getting them started up again?
Pat: Yes, we will correct everything after the tad db get restored tonitr
Pat: tonite

What? Did I just ask an either/or question and he answered yes? That surely can't be right. Not sure wtf the rest of his line was supposed to mean, so I ignored it. Meanwhile, I'm looking at the services on the server and don't see anything even closely related to whatever the fuck dcm is supposed to be. Remember, I don't really care what the app is on the server or what it does. That's not my job. My job is apparently translating moron into English...

Morphy: ok, by dcm do you mean the DCOM Server Process Launcher?
Pat: The Kronos Data Communications apps
Morphy: do you know what the process and/or service name is?
Pat: It should be running on the task bar
Morphy: let me try logging onto the local console
Pat: ok

Ok, ignoring the fact that he's calling something with the initials KDC "dcm" I actually managed to get something useful from this. From what he's saying, it's not a "process", it's a program running on the task bar (yes, I realize that this will spawn a "process" but I'm trying to simplify this for those who don't care). I'm logged in remotely (via remote desktop or rdp) and I don't see anything running. There's about a 2% chance that there's something running on the local console that I just don't know what the "process" name is in the list of random shit running on a Windows box (box is just a name for server). So I go to logon to the local console of the server which through the wonders of modern technology I can still do from my desk...

Morphy: I didn't see it via rdp
Pat: On Server248 ?
Morphy: 238
Morphy: should it be 248? the ticket said 238
Pat: yes

There it is again! Well, not as bad this time, but he's still going out of his way to be as vague as possible. Keep in mind that we have 1500 servers in the environment and while I'm simplifying the names here for the purpose of the blog entry, the servers are just numbered sequentially so we'll have like file001/002/003 etc. then apps001/002/003 etc. and there's no meaning to the number other than to separate it from the others. So server 237 could be a totally different app than 238. I could shut down 237 by mistake and take down something major whereas 238 is the one that really needs work on it. I hate it when the people who own the apps don't even know the names of their own goddamn servers, but that's another discussion. So here we go, let's try to find out what the fuck server he's talking about before I wind up shutting down an app on the VP's personal torrent server or some shit.

Morphy: is the other one still Server237?
Pat: Server237 contains Web/Application/Background Processor, they all need to be shut down
Morphy: and the other server is Server238 or Server248?
Pat: yes

Fuck me, he did it again, for 100% certain this time! Are you fucking stupid or just a moron? Yes? Great! Go fuck off and leave me alone then ffs!

Morphy: yes? which one is it?
Pat: 248
Morphy: ok I don't see anything in the task bar on Server237...so I'm going to need the exact names of the processes and/or services that need to be shut down
Pat: It may have been shut down already, in task manager, are there any apps running?
Morphy: no
Morphy: on either server
Pat: I just logged into the the s/w is running on 237

klakjdsl;fkajsdfl;kjasdf WTF? If he just logged into it then what the fucking hell am I doing bothering with this shit? Jesus, this guy is a fuckin moron. Ok fuck it, one last try and I'm done...

Morphy: ok then I'm going to need the exact names of the processes and/or services that need to be shut down
Pat: Kronos should be the only thing running, so you can shut down everything

Hmmm, I wonder if this will work...

Morphy: do you want me to shut down the server???

Nah, there's no possible way that he's going to start out asking to shut down a program on a server and agree to having me just power the fucker off. These people don't have remote access to power them back on. I do of course, because I have ZEEE POWERRRRRRRRR MUAHAHAHA err, sorry. But this fucker doesn't have any access to the datacenter where the server lives, and even if he called up the operations center, they wouldn't do shit for him either. Now it's a game, I just want to see if I can get away with this...

Pat: Yeah, as long as the TAD db isn't loaded on that box
Morphy: I don't know what that is
Pat: Thats the Kronos Dev Oracle database

The what? The KDO TAD db WTF SOL PDQ STFD STFU GFY and GTFOH???

Morphy: how would I tell if that's on either of these servers?
Pat: Its loaded on (name of some Unix server that we don't support)
Pat: So we can just shut down those 2 boxes

Jesus Christ, he's gonna let me shut the servers down isn't he? This is great, and I'm actually paying attention now and sitting up at my desk. I need to ask one more question though...

Morphy: ok, and how will you get them turned back on?
Pat: Yes
Morphy: So just to confirm, I will power these boxes off right now. I'll notify the GOC not to page out any alarms. You will then take care of bringing them back online. Is this correct?
Pat: Yes

YES! YES IS THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING! Oh boy, what a moron. I mean, I could sit here and correct him. I could tell him that when I ask a "how will you do this" question that "YES" isn't even a fucking possible answer to it. Or, I could copy/paste the chat to the ticket, shut down the servers, and send myself a copy of the chat to post to my blog later. I don't suppose you guys have guessed which route I'll take? Boom, servers down, noted in ticket, and I contacted the GOC (uhh, global, umm, operations, cookie? err wait, center, yeah that's it) and told them to put those servers into blackout mode which ignores any alarms coming from them. Then I left early for the day, hah!

Of course every story has a happy ending, right? Yup, Bill comes in the next day and SPRIZE! can't get to his servers. So he contacts a guy he knows on my team who we'll call Tony, cause that's what he tells me is the name of his alter ego. I won't go into my thoughts on people who feel the need to use alter egos to post things online. Err, ummm, nevermind. Anyway, I of course sent Tony the chat above so he was able to laugh at Pat with me, and I'm sure he knew that the next morning Bill would be getting a hold of him anyway. Here's that chat:

Tony: hey bud
Morphy: hey
Tony: my buddy bill is pissed
Morphy: hah uh oh, why? lemme guess, they finally figured out they have no way to power the boxes back on?
Tony: lol here his chat:
Tony: Bill: tony buddy ol' pal
Tony: mmmmm
Bill: I cannot remote or into Server237
Bill: it looks like 248 as well.
Bill: wtf
Tony: blame that on pat,, he had morphy shutdown both dev servers
Bill: shutdown
Bill: that idiot
Tony: yes said he would bring them up.. hol don i'll send u the sm
Bill: Do I need a ticket to get restarted?
Bill: sorry I will hold on
Tony: y..
Tony: read email.,. what a dork
Bill: yes ticket?
Tony: y
Bill: k. tks
Tony: morphy will be pleased
Bill: great
Bill: screw it I will email pat to create the ticket
Tony: lol
Bill: I am going home now and will deal with it on Monday

And there we have it. Since then we've had Pat runins monthly or so, where he doesnt' know wtf he's doing, how to ask what he needs, or anything. I'm pretty sure this fucking guy has a map at his desk for how to get to the bathroom. His latest was knowing 3 months in advance that a security certificate was going to expire, then waiting until 2 days after it expired to put in a production outage incident. Hopefully management will realize what a moron this guy is and get rid of him, or throw him off the building, or something. Or maybe I'll find a new job and quit. Hmmm...that sounds pretty damn tempting. Until next time.

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Morphy's Fish Tank

Hello Manifestites! Last post I believe I was roll building. Yeah, I had an issue where a supposed friend of mine busted one of my accounts (yes, my fault for giving the password out, no need to discuss that), and I lost all interest in playing for a while, so I cashed out what I had on the other site I play on and left poker again for a while. I got a rakeback a while back from FullTilt and have been playing on that. At this time it's unknown whether or not I'll continue playing, as the trust I had in this person was crushed. Enough about that...

I do have 2-3 blog posts coming, and I'll just say "soon" for the timeframe. One is the way overdue next installment of The List post, and the other is a collection of IM chats I've had at work that have to be seen to be believed (but not necessarily understood!).

However, the reason for this post is to announce a new blog I started. I'm starting up a new fish tank and have never had a chance to document a tank from start to "finish"...I hate to use the word finish because a tank is a living, evolving thing, but it's the best word for it at this time. So I bring you:

Morphy's Fish Tank (http://morphysfishtank.blogspot.com)

Enjoy, and until next time!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Random Donk Chat

Hello Manifestites! Ahh, it's summertime. Time for the great outdoors, air conditioning, sunburn, kids screaming in the backyard pool, bugs, and the humidity. Oh the humidity! It's also about time that I stop fucking around with my poker game and do something somewhat serious. Yes folks, it's roll building time!

Thanks to our wonderful soon-to-be communist government and their UIEGALMNOPWTFSOL law that they passed, the financial side of the online poker world has been turned upside down. Neteller stopped serving US customers, and many of us cashed out our rolls and have been screwing around since then with no real bankroll to play on. It's a very tough grind coming up from quarter and dollar levels to try and play for anything meaningful. It's just too easy to say "hell, it's only $500, see if I can double it up quick" and dump it all on one table hoping to get lucky (that is, not get KK vs. a flush draw), then end up quitting poker again out of disgust. I do have to say, I have the most experience at quitting poker than anyone I know! So I'm happy to say that at least for the time being, I'm out of the true donk levels and am working up a nice roll.

Of course the trip through the land of the donk is a tough one, and on a site like Bodog, can be a true test of patience and willpower. Add to that the Bodog bug that allows you to bypass the swear filter, and it can be well, more fun than it should be. The following are various random chats that I've had over the last 2 months or so while rebuilding. I save them to a text file in case I might ever use them or just get a laugh out of them. Time to clear out the file and share it with my faithful readers (and all you idiots who read this out of sheer hatred towards me so you can post on RGP how pathetic I am. There's a special place in my heart for you morons). Here we go!

In the hand prior to this chat, I had 64 on the BB in a NLHE game, checked preflop, no one bet on the flop, hit trip 4s on the turn and busted some idiot who couldn't bet top pair:

hartdog63: omg sick call
armorbill: how do you even stay for flop with 6 4
DOKTER DONKEY: me?
armorbill: yea
DOKTER DONKEY: well sparky, it's like this
DOKTER DONKEY: no one raised
DOKTER DONKEY: and I was on the big blind
DOKTER DONKEY: so I hit the button labeled check and WHAMMO, the flop was dealt
DOKTER DONKEY: pretty incredible huh?
armorbill: sorry d i c k
Duck12: that is the ******est comment i've ever heard
Duck12: don't do that again
Duck12: i feel gay just reading it
DOKTER DONKEY: well I'm sorry, ask a retarded question, get a retarded answer
Duck12: yeah armor don't ask retarded questions
DOKTER DONKEY: it's very likely he can't help himself
armorbill: he even stayed after flop
DOKTER DONKEY: I did?
DOKTER DONKEY: oh yeah
DOKTER DONKEY: you mean when it checked around and no one bet?
DOKTER DONKEY: pretty fuckin hard to imagine I didn't fold, isn't it?
armorbill: what an *******
DOKTER DONKEY: asshole?
armorbill: yep
DOKTER DONKEY: I'd rather be an asshole than a complete fuckin idiot such as yourself
armorbill: you are
DOKTER DONKEY: and so are you sir

Ahh yes, the truly clueless at work. This next one is a great example of how acting like you're mad gets people to lose IQ points as they dig themselves deeper into the stupidity that is their own mind. It starts out innocent enough:

DOKTER DONKEY: it's a wonder alright
DOKTER DONKEY: fuckin idiot
onedaywonder: lol
onedaywonder: who

Sigh, they never will get it will they? This was a PLO hand where I held the Ace of whatever 3 suits were on the board. I made a pot bet on the river knowing that they can't have the nuts because I have their card. Naturally that doesn't stop them from getting in with the 17th nuts or whatever this idiot had. Note that throughout this chat I'm actually laughing my ass off, and I bet he thinks I'm about to go on a neighborhood shooting spree:

onedaywonder: u make a terrible play and get mad at me
onedaywonder: now thats funny
DOKTER DONKEY: ahh yes, and the guy calling with the 9 high flush made the good play?
DOKTER DONKEY: and I'm not mad
onedaywonder: it was obvious u did not have a flush
DOKTER DONKEY: just merely calling you a fucking idiot
onedaywonder: u would have bet it on the turn
DOKTER DONKEY: why would I do that?
onedaywonder: well if i'm an idiot what does that make u
onedaywonder: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: good question
onedaywonder: i guess u are re.tarded then
onedaywonder: lol but stay mad i find it hilarious
DOKTER DONKEY: I'm not mad you fuckin dipshit
onedaywonder: yes u are u made a terrible poker play and instead of owning up to it all u can do is take it out on
onedaywonder: me
onedaywonder: sad and pathetic
onedaywonder: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: I knew you didn't have the nuts
DOKTER DONKEY: so I made a bet that someone with half a brain could never call
DOKTER DONKEY: which leaves you where?
onedaywonder: and i knew i had u beat
onedaywonder: thats why i called
onedaywonder: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: no, you knew you had a 9 high flush, and likely the drool all over your keyboard proves it
onedaywonder: your bet was obvious u don'tbet the pot if u have the flush
onedaywonder: u make a value bet
DOKTER DONKEY: I'll keep that in mind
DOKTER DONKEY: ty for the tip
onedaywonder: u lost u made a bad read get over it
onedaywonder: u have already refilled atleast twice now
onedaywonder: that says all we need to know about u
DOKTER DONKEY: there's plenty more where this came from
onedaywonder: stop crying
onedaywonder: try another hobby
onedaywonder: maybe spades suits u
onedaywonder: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: care to play headsup for your roll there champ?
DOKTER DONKEY: all 77.35 of it?
onedaywonder: since there are no heads up tables i say no
onedaywonder: lol
onedaywonder: and now i only have 77 b/c i beat u in a hand
DOKTER DONKEY: no one is sitting on 10/20 on table Atlanta
onedaywonder: your anger has gotten the best of u
DOKTER DONKEY: I'll put 1k up against yours
onedaywonder: lol
onedaywonder: what does 1k have to do with our conversation anyway
onedaywonder: u lost
DOKTER DONKEY: I'm sitting
onedaywonder: u made a bad play
onedaywonder: it happens
onedaywonder: calm down
DOKTER DONKEY: come join me champ
DOKTER DONKEY: waiting
DOKTER DONKEY: still waitign
onedaywonder: lol i never said u were out of cash just the fact that u've had to refill twice already is
onedaywonder: an indication of how u play
DOKTER DONKEY: it is?
onedaywonder: and u will be waiting a long time if u think i'm gonna sit down and play for 1k

Whew! I'm the worst headsup player in the world, so this idiot just passed up on a free $1000. Sure am glad he didn't sit down, or well, you guys wouldn't be reading this.

onedaywonder: lol but it obviously makes u feel good to be there
DOKTER DONKEY: figures
DOKTER DONKEY: make a bad call, win $10, talk shit, and can't back it up
onedaywonder: if u are such a high roller then calm down i made a great call and u are so upset over u can't say
DOKTER DONKEY: I'm not upset, I already said that sparky
onedaywonder: nh and move on u got to your panties in a wad
onedaywonder: its sad
onedaywonder: yeah u are not upset u just felt the need to call me out
onedaywonder: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: yes, you're a fuckin idiot
DOKTER DONKEY: do we need to go over this again?
onedaywonder: lol
onedaywonder: take a deep breath
DOKTER DONKEY: take notes or something, try to keep up
onedaywonder: maybe go walk around outside
onedaywonder: cool off
DOKTER DONKEY: now why the hell would I want to do that
onedaywonder: b/c u are upset no matter how many times u deny it
DOKTER DONKEY: I'M NOT UPSET YOU FUCKIN MORON
onedaywonder: lol
onedaywonder: take a deep breath
onedaywonder: smoke some dope
DOKTER DONKEY: man you idiots have no sense of humor
onedaywonder: this is just a 50 dollar table pro
onedaywonder: relax
DOKTER DONKEY: only an idiot would want an opponent he thinks is on tilt to relax
onedaywonder: no u are calling everyone at the table an idiot
onedaywonder: wow
DOKTER DONKEY: therefore you are a fuckin idiot
onedaywonder: lol
onedaywonder: i'm here to pass thetime
onedaywonder: not trying to pay my bills
DOKTER DONKEY: I would hope not
onedaywonder: when someone makes a great call against me i say nh
onedaywonder: i dont cry about it forever
DOKTER DONKEY: if you were to make a great call I would have no problem saying nh
onedaywonder: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: I'm sure you'll get your chance
onedaywonder: u got outplayed
onedaywonder: just accept it
onedaywonder: move on
DOKTER DONKEY: but when you make a call like that, it's not nh
onedaywonder: don't get so upset
DOKTER DONKEY: it's "OMGIGOTAFLUSHDRAW"
onedaywonder: u tried to buy the pot
onedaywonder: it was obvious
DOKTER DONKEY: I made a bet that any thinking player would fold to
DOKTER DONKEY: so again
onedaywonder: i guress your fragile ego got damaged
onedaywonder: sorry i called
onedaywonder: i would have folded if i knew it would upset u like this
DOKTER DONKEY: you should be!
onedaywonder: lol
onedaywonder: i must say i have enjoyed making fun of u tho
DOKTER DONKEY: you what now?
DOKTER DONKEY: sir
onedaywonder: i don't really like to embarrass people but u deservef it i guess
DOKTER DONKEY: you have a lot of work to do if you think that was making fun of someone
onedaywonder: see u around donkey
DOKTER DONKEY: ahh yes
DOKTER DONKEY: run away with your monster profit
onedaywonder: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: go upstairs and brag to your mom about your big win
onedaywonder: relax take a deep breath
onedaywonder: u will feel better
DOKTER DONKEY: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: you don't get it do you?
DOKTER DONKEY: what an idiot
DOKTER DONKEY: so how are the rest of you idiots doing tonight?

Well that was fun. A few days later I sit down at some table, and the first thing I see is this:

doug11667: i know this riiged ****** gonna win
doug11667: ****er prolly plays 4 bodog
doug11667: *** you
doug11667: rigged site bot
V47Y5: nh
doug11667: not playing this s ass s no more
doug11667: blo me
V47Y5: we'll miss you

Well I couldn't resist joining in, so I decided to throw in a few lines here:

DOKTER DONKEY: look, a talking bot!
V47Y5: as will my bankroll
doug11667: i tell efgveery one bodog rigged
DOKTER DONKEY: I don't think efgveery one will believe you
doug11667: come to baltimore birtch ]
doug11667: i bweat the shii to oua your ass
doug11667: muthhha ***er
doug11667: leave you bleeding in the street
doug11667: punk ass *****
doug11667: I light your dog on fire
doug11667: and chop his head off
V47Y5: why would i want to come to baltimore if you were going to "bweat the shii oua" my ass?
doug11667: take you that long to respond who re e
doug11667: little ****
doug11667: c uu n t
doug11667: hope they pauy well in china
doug11667: little *****
doug11667: ch iin k

Well well, someone has some anger management issues. Whereas in the chat before this it should have been obvious that I was just stringing the guy along, there's a real possibility that this guy is going to go break every crayon in his crayon box after this episode. About two weeks after the chat above (remember, when he said he would never play there again), I saw him on a table:

DOKTER DONKEY: hi gl
DOKTER DONKEY: what's your name?
doug11667: doug
DOKTER DONKEY: hi doug, very nice to meet you
doug11667: ya u too
DOKTER DONKEY: you aren't gonna light my dog on fire if I beat you are you?
doug11667: hmmmmm
doug11667: was that u

My guess is he's still on the site somewhere, losing money and lighting things on fire. Hope he has some fireproof dog food!

This next donkerlude happened at a PLO table. Nothing like using the chat as your personal venting area. This guy has some issues for sure:

eligatorblood: play holdem..this game is like flipping coins
Batence: i know
Batence: but in holdem
Batence: i get even worst beats
Batence: these days
Batence: its a ****in joke
Batence: 2-3 outers there
Batence: crack my hands
Batence: today
Batence: i push all in
Batence: no i get one ****** to push all in with 9 6 off suit
Batence: and i have kings
Batence: and i have a flush draw and a better hand
Batence: everything mate
Batence: and at the river he caught 6
Batence: the non spade 6
Batence: bodog is seriously ****ing with me
Batence: lately
Batence: and i just want to break even
DOKTER DONKEY: a lofty goal indeed
Batence: if the people didn't get so lucky on me
Batence: i would actually be quite ahead
DOKTER DONKEY: funny how that works
Batence: here the worst hand wins

Unfortunately he took my little snipe remarks to mean "hi, I want to be your friend forever, please share all of your bad beat stories with me." Well fuck that, let's see if I can annoy the shit outta him:

Batence: the other day man
Batence: i am in a tourney
DOKTER DONKEY: right now?
Batence: i push all in AA against KK 10 10 and AQ
Batence: the AQ won
Batence: with 4 cards to a flush
DOKTER DONKEY: did you win it?
Batence: i hit my ace by the way
DOKTER DONKEY: how much did you win?
Batence: no
Batence: i had a set of AA
DOKTER DONKEY: you know a flush beats a set right?
Batence: yeah
Batence: but mate
Batence: he caught 4 cards
Batence: he had AQ
Batence: not suited
DOKTER DONKEY: well holdem is a 7 card game you know
DOKTER DONKEY: you get 2 hole cards
Batence: against AA KK I TT
DOKTER DONKEY: and there are 5 community cards that all players share
DOKTER DONKEY: and you make up your best 5 card hand from a combination of those cards
Batence: whatever man

Seems like that did the trick. "Whatever man." Hmm, wonder if he learned that from my 8 year old?

Batence: i hope for once i will get lucky with the worst hand
Batence: just once
eligatorblood: should happen eventually
Batence: because people are doing it to me all the time
nigmeplz: if u play bad u will lose more
Batence: i losse with the best hand EVERY TIME
DOKTER DONKEY: not really the strategy you should be going for
Batence: what strategy shoud i be going for mate
DOKTER DONKEY: well I think I speak for all of us when I say one that involves much less whining

And that was that. The rest of these are just various short clips:

maclindoors: such a set up hand
DOKTER DONKEY: yah the biggest part of the setup was making you call a raise with 4 high

This next one was a hand I posted to RGP. I had T9, flop 978, he shoves KK in for a 4x the pot bet, I call, river my straight, and bust him. I couldn't think of anything better to say, so this was it:

h82bukid: lol
h82bukid: true to your name
DOKTER DONKEY: shut up idiot

Here's two random chats from a guy who really has some issues. These happened a few weeks apart:

PhippsJ: well i guess we know who the table idiot is here
DOKTER DONKEY: the guy who has filled up the chat talking to himself?
DOKTER DONKEY: or the guy whining about a bad beat?
GonzagaJere: I know! The guy with a small stack!
DOKTER DONKEY: I was in the pool!!!
DOKTER DONKEY: oh


PhippsJ: your like the 5 foot 5 guy at the bar trying to pick fights
PhippsJ: and everyone just laughs at
DOKTER DONKEY: yup that's me
DOKTER DONKEY: except I'm 5 foot 10
DOKTER DONKEY: and have a blackbelt in dawnkeigh-do


Random comment:

drb64: you pros must be bored being on a small dollar table like this
DOKTER DONKEY: I like to watch retards frolic in their natural environment

This next one was interesting. The player here is a regular at $2/$4 NL and up, and while I don't think he's the greatest player, I used play him fairly regularly a year ago or so and he sure seemed like a winning player to me. One day he shows up on a 50c/$1 PLO table and is playing like a true idiot, so I had to ask him wtf was going on. Needless to say the chat was destined to end the way it did:

DOKTER DONKEY: lol well done there champ
DOKTER DONKEY: was gonna ask why you aren't playing 300 max anymore, but now I know
chump_status: this is his chick
DOKTER DONKEY: you must be really good looking

This next fucker kept posting $3 big blinds and would time out when the action got to him, folding his hand. At least he was honest:

DOKTER DONKEY: hey threeaaas, how much have you lost so far by posting a blind and timing out?
ThreeAAAs: my fault man
ThreeAAAs: 10 dollars

I have no clue what this is in reference to:

grobux: i had 22
DOKTER DONKEY: if you had 22 that was the worst raise in the history of the last 3 hands

And finally, against a typical "maybe if I bet more he'll fold" player...I was in the $2 small blind with J3 and called $1 since the odds were plenty. Flop was AQJ84 and I check/called bets that got bigger on every street. I somehow managed to beat my opponent's 3 high. How did I know, you may ask? Easy, and remember, TYPING IN ALL CAPS MAKES THINGS LOOK FUNNY:

DOKTER DONKEY: NO BLUFFY BLUFFY 4 U
The Nubster: lol
The Nubster: nice call
DOKTER DONKEY: TY
DOKTER DONKEY: I READ INTO YOUR SOUL
DOKTER DONKEY: DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING, SO HIT CALL

That's all for now. Until next time!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Beldin the Moron

Hello Manifestites! I know this is going to be hard to believe, but there's a moron posting on RGP. He goes by the name of Beldin the Sorcerer. I won't get into all of the reasons why he's a total moron so you'll have to trust me on this one.

His latest claim is that you can't copy/paste the text from FullTilt's "last hand" graphical hand history window. Of course, I couldn't let that go unnoticed, so I put together this short instructional video. Enjoy!

http://www.donkeymanifesto.com/beldin

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

PLO Pied Piper of Donks, Special Edition!

Hello Manifestites! Yes it's true, the Pied Piper of Donks has made another appearance. This is a special edition video with some cameo appearances. Enjoy!

www.donkeymanifesto.com/videos

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

You are donk of puta

Hello Manifestites! What's that? Where have I been the last 3 months? That's none of your damn business. Ok ok, if you must know, I took a month off of poker, had some bizarre health problems, and took a trip to the remote jungles of Indonesia to study various species of butterfly. Ok ok, it was more like 5 weeks off of poker. Seriously.

Health problems were interesting, I found out that even though I thought it was under control that I have acid reflux bad enough to cause some serious sinus and asthma-like problems. I was put on some antibiotics and promptly had an allergic reaction to them and wound up in the ER with hives all over my body and on the inside of my throat. Fun times, for sure.

Anyway, enough about me, I know why you're here. You want another story about some retard on a poker site who can barely put together a sentence without drooling all over himself. Well, you're in luck, because I have just the story you've been looking for.

The other night my good friend TNL and I were both in the $26 PLO tourney on FullTilt, formerly known as the Morphy Invitational Donkfest. Note that this is not to be confused with the Mega Trainwreck Donkemup Supreme...that's a NLHE tourney. We'll play and rail each other and take turns complaining about this and that flush draw, and flopping sets vs. maggots with 8 high flush draws, etc. On the occasion that we wind up on the same table, game is on though, and there's likely a better chance one of us knocks the other out than someone else on the table taking any of our chips.

About a month ago TNL had an unfortunate accident and as a result lost his chat. So, as dedicated railtard, I felt it was my duty to step in and compliment his opponents in the extremely unlikely result that they make a stupid play. About 20 minutes in, TNL deploys the move known as the "get it in with 7 high and hope to hit" play, and busts up some poor chump's AAxx. What we have is one of the best chat logs I've ever seen, and it begins a little like this:

Dealer: trenzen shows [Ah Jh 6h Ac]
Dealer: obv shows [3d 7s 4c 5c]
Dealer: trenzen shows three of a kind, Sixes
Dealer: obv shows a straight, Six high
Dealer: obv wins the pot (6,620) with a straight, Six high

trenzen: you have poker rng
trenzen: impossible
Dealer: trenzen has 15 seconds left to act
trenzen: www.pokerrng.com
trenzen: look people
XaQ Morphy (Observer): wow trenzen, you suck
XaQ Morphy (Observer): overplaying 1 pair like that
trenzen: just if you now what exit you can play so
trenzen: suck?
trenzen: suck just your mother lol
trenzen: no motivation for play so obv: little blind, first of the hand
trenzen: just if you know what exit
trenzen: you use a program for that
trenzen: your game is possible just with the big blin not now

Heh, game's afoot! I saw the guy was from Italy, so I don't want to make too much fun of his English skills, or lack of, but I couldn't help myself. Notice that this guy seems to have a fascination with my mother. A few hands later he busts, so I start in...

XaQ Morphy (Observer): you have to now the exit
trenzen (Observer): you are out sure:)))
trenzen (Observer): the classic american that speak when the other play:))))
XaQ Morphy (Observer): the classic retard that loses chips so the others play :):)):):):)
trenzen (Observer): ahahaahh
trenzen (Observer): why you dont play?
trenzen (Observer): maybe your mother s.uck our d.ick ?:)))))
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I'm playing in this tournament you moron
trenzen (Observer): say lol
trenzen (Observer): you can play with the lego BASTARD MORON
XaQ Morphy (Observer): uhh, what?
trenzen (Observer): and say moron to your mother
trenzen (Observer): she is nice
trenzen (Observer): just for s.cuk the d.ick :)))))
XaQ Morphy (Observer): she is?
trenzen (Observer): say lol bastard moron
trenzen (Observer): she is puta
trenzen (Observer): lol
trenzen (Observer): lol
trenzen (Observer): and you are a soon of puta:)))))
trenzen (Observer): lol
XaQ Morphy (Observer): and you are soon of retard
trenzen (Observer): who speak with you?
trenzen (Observer): who know you?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): me speaky speaky talka talka, you soona puta lego?
trenzen (Observer): who know you
XaQ Morphy (Observer): who you know
XaQ Morphy (Observer): word up gdog fo shizzle in da nizzle house
trenzen (Observer): i know just your mother
XaQ Morphy (Observer): word up dawg!
XaQ Morphy (Observer): soona puta!
trenzen (Observer): yes moron
trenzen (Observer): come here
XaQ Morphy (Observer): lego BASTARD MORON now the exit!
trenzen (Observer): ahahahah
trenzen (Observer): hei bastard american
trenzen (Observer): come here
XaQ Morphy (Observer): puta!
trenzen (Observer): or just bla
XaQ Morphy (Observer): now the exit who you know
trenzen (Observer): bla bla
trenzen (Observer): tell me
XaQ Morphy (Observer): me tell soon to puta
trenzen (Observer): what do you what?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): what do I what?
trenzen (Observer): yes
trenzen (Observer): che cazzo vuoi?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): who know you
XaQ Morphy (Observer): trenzen
XaQ Morphy (Observer): where go you

The last 3 lines went over the course of 5 minutes or so, so I was afraid I had lost my new friend. Never fear, I looked down and sure enough, he showed up on my table. Game on! I'll leave the chat in its entirety because I don't think I can provide any better comments than just leaving the chat intact:

trenzen (Observer): what do want?
trenzen (Observer): who now you?
trenzen (Observer): CHE CAZZO VUOI?
trenzen (Observer): CHE CAZZO VUOI
Smilez187: yo trick hwat lace who? that aint waht mase do......got a lotta girls who wud loveto replace u
XaQ Morphy: who you want?
trenzen (Observer): WHO SPEAK WITH YOU
XaQ Morphy: what you what?
trenzen (Observer): FATTI I CAZZI TUOI
XaQ Morphy: who now the exit?
trenzen (Observer): MA CHE CAZZO VUOI
XaQ Morphy: english only at the tables please
trenzen (Observer): ENGLISH YOUR MOTHER
Smilez187: agreed
trenzen (Observer): CHE CAZZO VUOI
trenzen (Observer): NEGRO DI MERDA
Smilez187: stupid italians
trenzen (Observer): FATTI I CAZZI TUOI
Smilez187: ok
trenzen (Observer): OK WHAT
XaQ Morphy: what you what?
trenzen (Observer): ME?
XaQ Morphy: you now the exit?
trenzen (Observer): SO???????????'
XaQ Morphy: what you what?
trenzen (Observer): SO???????????
trenzen (Observer): ABOUT YOU
trenzen (Observer): KICK IN AS.,SS
trenzen (Observer): GIVE ME
trenzen (Observer): COME ON
XaQ Morphy: soon puta?
trenzen (Observer): COME HERE
XaQ Morphy: I'm here
trenzen (Observer): YES BASTARD MORON
trenzen (Observer): SO?
trenzen (Observer): YOU ARE HERE
XaQ Morphy: what the what?
trenzen (Observer): SO?
XaQ Morphy: do you now the exit?
trenzen (Observer): COGLIONE DI MERDA
trenzen (Observer): SO???
trenzen (Observer): I EXIT SO???????????
trenzen (Observer): SCEMO DI MERDA
XaQ Morphy: retardo di merda
trenzen (Observer): TI GIRO 4 VOLTE
XaQ Morphy: not 4
trenzen (Observer): SCEMO DEL CAZZO
XaQ Morphy: 5 is better
trenzen (Observer): YES MORON
XaQ Morphy: what the what?
trenzen (Observer): 4 TIME
XaQ Morphy: you now the exit?
trenzen (Observer): I EXIT SO?
XaQ Morphy: soon puta talka di talka?
trenzen (Observer): SO????????????????
trenzen (Observer): TALKA YOUR MOTHER LOL
XaQ Morphy: what the what now the exit soon the puta?
XaQ Morphy: SO?????????
trenzen (Observer): MA SUCCHIAMELòO
trenzen (Observer): SUCCHIAMELO
XaQ Morphy: your what hurts?
trenzen (Observer): SPEAK IN YOUR HAND
trenzen (Observer): WHO KNOW YOU
XaQ Morphy: speak in my hand?
trenzen (Observer): SPEAK IN YOUR HAND
XaQ Morphy: who you know
trenzen (Observer): BASTARD MORON
XaQ Morphy: speak in my hand
trenzen (Observer): SPEAK IN YOUR HAND
trenzen (Observer): YES MORON
trenzen (Observer): YOU KNOW YOU
XaQ Morphy: what the what?
trenzen (Observer): WHEN I PLAY WITH YOU
trenzen (Observer): WHEN
XaQ Morphy: keep your hands to yourself please
trenzen (Observer): COGLIONE DI MERDA
XaQ Morphy: retardo di merda
trenzen (Observer): BASTARD
trenzen (Observer): PEZZO DI MERDA
XaQ Morphy: shouldn't that be bastardo?
trenzen (Observer): COGLIONE DI MERDA
XaQ Morphy: speak in your hand
trenzen (Observer): YOUR MOTHER S.CUK THE D.ICK AND YOU SPEAK
XaQ Morphy: what the what?
trenzen (Observer): THINK TO YOUR MOTHER MORON:)))
trenzen (Observer): MORON
trenzen (Observer): AND SHE S.CUKS THE D.CI K MORON
XaQ Morphy: speak in your hand
trenzen (Observer): MORONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
trenzen (Observer): MORONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
XaQ Morphy: say lol
trenzen (Observer): AHAHAH
trenzen (Observer): CAZZONE
trenzen (Observer): CAZZONE
trenzen (Observer): CAZZONE
XaQ Morphy: what the now exit the hand speak to your moron?
trenzen (Observer): CAZZONE
trenzen (Observer): CAZZONE SHU UP
XaQ Morphy: hey trenzen
trenzen (Observer): CAZZONE
trenzen (Observer): CAZZONE SHUT UPPPPPPPPPP
XaQ Morphy: can I get a large pepperoni to go?
trenzen (Observer): CAQZZONE
XaQ Morphy: I like calzones, yes
trenzen (Observer): I LARGE WITH YOUR MOTHER
trenzen (Observer): LO9L
XaQ Morphy: who know you?
trenzen (Observer): LOL
trenzen (Observer): LOL
trenzen (Observer): I KNOW YOUR MOTHER
trenzen (Observer): LOL
trenzen (Observer): LOL
trenzen (Observer): LOL
XaQ Morphy: so do I
trenzen (Observer): MORON
XaQ Morphy: she would like sausage and onions on her pizza, and make it snappy
trenzen (Observer): NOT THE PIZZA
trenzen (Observer): YOUR MOTHER SUCK:))))
trenzen (Observer): AND STOP
trenzen (Observer): MORON
trenzen (Observer): MORON
trenzen (Observer): WHO KNOW YOU
XaQ Morphy: who you know
trenzen (Observer): i play my game and arrive this bastar moron
trenzen (Observer): who know you?
trenzen (Observer): who are you?
RonDworkin: hello there
XaQ Morphy: well hello rondworkin
XaQ Morphy: say hi to my friend trenzen
XaQ Morphy: who will no doubt be famous very soon
RonDworkin: hello trenzen
XaQ Morphy: trenzen, who you know
trenzen (Observer): i don know
XaQ Morphy: what the what?
trenzen (Observer): infact you arrive
trenzen (Observer): and speak
XaQ Morphy: infact?
trenzen (Observer): you knoiw you
XaQ Morphy: speak in my hand
trenzen (Observer): YES MORON
XaQ Morphy: BASTARD MORON
XaQ Morphy: SO??????????
Smilez187: lol
XaQ Morphy: do you now the exit?
XaQ Morphy: who know you?
trenzen (Observer): NOW YOU WILL SEE:))))
RonDworkin: did trenzen hand over his chips to you zacharie?
trenzen (Observer): LOL
XaQ Morphy: no, he gave them to obv
trenzen (Observer): not not zaccaria just your mother:))))
XaQ Morphy: and now he's writing his way into the DM archives
trenzen (Observer): i prefer she:)))
XaQ Morphy: I large your mother
RonDworkin: ah
XaQ Morphy: sorry, I large with your mother
XaQ Morphy: speak from the hand
trenzen (Observer): i speak when i want
XaQ Morphy: what the who?
trenzen (Observer): what happen if i speak
trenzen (Observer): tell me what happen?
XaQ Morphy: do you now the exit?
trenzen (Observer): what happen
XaQ Morphy: who you know
trenzen (Observer): anserw MORON LOl
trenzen (Observer): tell me rabbit:))))
trenzen (Observer): what happen soon of puta:)))
trenzen (Observer): change your name put soon of puta:)))
XaQ Morphy: soon of puta bastardo di merda
retardo who the know the exit
trenzen (Observer): it's your name
trenzen (Observer): what happen rabbit
trenzen (Observer): anser me
trenzen (Observer): ahahahah
XaQ Morphy: speak from the hand
trenzen (Observer): cazzone
trenzen (Observer): cazzone
XaQ Morphy: calzone?
trenzen (Observer): CAZZONE
trenzen (Observer): CAZZONE YES YOUR NAME
trenzen (Observer): CAZZONE DI MERDA:)))
XaQ Morphy: calzone, with onions please
trenzen (Observer): YES MORON
RonDworkin: make it 2 bro
XaQ Morphy: YES WHO YOU KNOW
RonDworkin: i'm famished
trenzen (Observer): YOU LEARN SOMETIMES
trenzen (Observer): CAZZONE DI MERDA
XaQ Morphy: speak from the hand!
trenzen (Observer): CHENGE YOUR NAME
trenzen (Observer): PUT CAZZONE DI MERDA
XaQ Morphy: spare chenge?
trenzen (Observer): MIISSISIPI
trenzen (Observer): OR MISSIPIPI:)))
XaQ Morphy: what now?
trenzen (Observer): YOU MOTHER
XaQ Morphy: my who the what?
trenzen (Observer): MY WHO THE WHAT?
trenzen (Observer): THE TEACHER:))))
trenzen (Observer): AHAHAHAHAAH
trenzen (Observer): AHAHAHAHAHA
XaQ Morphy: do you now the exit?
trenzen (Observer): AHAHAHAHAAH
trenzen (Observer): AHAHAHAHAHAAHH
trenzen (Observer): AHAHAHAHAHAHA
trenzen (Observer): YOUR MOTHER IS IN HME:))
trenzen (Observer): LOL
trenzen (Observer): LOL
XaQ Morphy: retardo di merda
trenzen (Observer): SPEAK WITH ME BASTARD MORON
trenzen (Observer): LO
XaQ Morphy: manifesto di donkey?
trenzen (Observer): LOL
trenzen (Observer): LOL
trenzen (Observer): AHAHAHAHAHAH

Umm, right. Not only do we have a serious language barrier, we seem to have some issues understanding how the human body works. He went silent again for a few minutes, and I got bored, so I recovered from my hysterical laughing and started in again. Also note that RonDworkin showed up on my table (to my immediate left, which annoyed the shit outta me), and decided to join in the fun:

XaQ Morphy: so trenzen, how's it going?
trenzen (Observer): always your mother do you like?:))))
trenzen (Observer): lol
trenzen (Observer): lol
trenzen (Observer): lol
trenzen (Observer): lol
trenzen (Observer): but speak again....
trenzen (Observer): ahahah
XaQ Morphy: speak from the hand soon puta
XaQ Morphy: what you know
trenzen (Observer): i know just your mother
trenzen (Observer): lol
trenzen (Observer): lol
trenzen (Observer): lol
trenzen (Observer): but speak again.....
XaQ Morphy: what the what?
trenzen (Observer): lol
trenzen (Observer): lol
XaQ Morphy: say lol
RonDworkin: that trenzen kid sure laughs at a bunch of stuff that is not funny
RonDworkin: perhaps he is retarded?
XaQ Morphy: he now the exit
trenzen (Observer): SILENZ PEOPLE
trenzen (Observer): WHEN YOU DONT KNOW
XaQ Morphy: I believe the correct word is retardo
trenzen (Observer): DONT SPEAK
XaQ Morphy: SPEAK FROM THE HAND
RonDworkin: ah, a No Doubt fan I see
trenzen (Observer): if i speak what happen
trenzen (Observer): i play in my table
trenzen (Observer): without this moron
trenzen (Observer): he arrived
XaQ Morphy: who you know
trenzen (Observer): and he start insult me
trenzen (Observer): so dont speak people
trenzen (Observer): i dont know you
XaQ Morphy: this community service message has been brought to you by trenzen
trenzen (Observer): so?
XaQ Morphy: do you now the exit?
trenzen (Observer): not
trenzen (Observer): so?
XaQ Morphy: what the what?
trenzen (Observer): so?
trenzen (Observer): so?
XaQ Morphy: who you know
trenzen (Observer): so?
XaQ Morphy: calzone di retardo?
trenzen (Observer): so?
trenzen (Observer): perfect italian:))))
trenzen (Observer): so?
RonDworkin: much better
XaQ Morphy: what do you think of my new friend?
trenzen (Observer): ron i play my game
RonDworkin: perhaps you should continue your search
trenzen (Observer): in onother table
RonDworkin: okie dokie
trenzen (Observer): arrive this moron
trenzen (Observer): and start insulte me
trenzen (Observer): i dont know why
XaQ Morphy: who you know
trenzen (Observer): i don know nothing
XaQ Morphy: well why didn't you say so!
trenzen (Observer): but i havent any problem
XaQ Morphy: I disagree
RonDworkin: i side with xaq on that one
XaQ Morphy: haha

Meanwhile, our friend trenzen was playing on a cash table and busted with something retarded. On his table, he says:

trenzen: that stupid call
trenzen: really really stupid

So I echo on my table, and the game begins again!:

XaQ Morphy: that stupid call
XaQ Morphy: really really stupid
trenzen (Observer): what do you want?
XaQ Morphy: what do I want? you're the one on my table
XaQ Morphy: what do you want?
trenzen (Observer): i want from you kick in as..s
XaQ Morphy: bend over
trenzen (Observer): can you give me please?:)
trenzen (Observer): bend is your mother
trenzen (Observer): but now you don play
XaQ Morphy: I don?
trenzen (Observer): i broke your a.s.s:)))
trenzen (Observer): CAZZONE
XaQ Morphy: that's a neat trick
XaQ Morphy: considering I'm here with chips and you aren't
trenzen (Observer): CAZZONE DI MERDA
trenzen (Observer): CAZZONE DI MERDA
trenzen (Observer): CAZZONE DI MERDA
trenzen (Observer): I CONSIDER JUST YOUR MOTHER
trenzen (Observer): SHE IS CHEEEP:))))
trenzen (Observer): MORON
trenzen (Observer): MORON
trenzen (Observer): AHAHAHHAH
trenzen (Observer): BASTAR MORON
trenzen (Observer): LOOK ME
XaQ Morphy: SO??????????
trenzen (Observer): BASTRD
trenzen (Observer): :)))
trenzen (Observer): LOL
trenzen (Observer): SPEAK AGAIN MORON....:)))
trenzen (Observer): COME ON
XaQ Morphy: SPEAK FROM THE HAND
XaQ Morphy: who you know?
trenzen (Observer): YOU LOSE MORON?
trenzen (Observer): WHY?
trenzen (Observer): ahahahah
trenzen (Observer): you get as your mother
trenzen (Observer): that bastard family:))
trenzen (Observer): that loser of my d.cick:))))
trenzen (Observer): check
trenzen (Observer): check
trenzen (Observer): check
XaQ Morphy: you lost your what?
trenzen (Observer): hei loser where is your voice?
trenzen (Observer): ahahhahahaha
trenzen (Observer): speak in ostrogoto
trenzen (Observer): cazzone
XaQ Morphy: never had it, is it any good?
trenzen (Observer): say cazzone
trenzen (Observer): CAZZONE
trenzen (Observer): YOU ARE CAZZONE:)))
trenzen (Observer): CAZZZONE
XaQ Morphy: AHAHAHAHAHA
trenzen (Observer): PUT ANOTHER ZZZZ
trenzen (Observer): CAZZZZZZZONE
trenzen (Observer): THAT FAMILY
trenzen (Observer): LOL
trenzen (Observer): LOL
XaQ Morphy: hey want to trade email addresses so we can keep in touch after you leave?
trenzen (Observer): NOT NOT COME HERE
XaQ Morphy: who you know?
trenzen (Observer): I BRING YOU TO THE PARTY
trenzen (Observer): COME HERE
XaQ Morphy: I'm here
trenzen (Observer): COME HERE
trenzen (Observer): YOU ASK THE ADRESS
trenzen (Observer): COME HERE
trenzen (Observer): YOU ARE HARD IN THE MAIL
trenzen (Observer): AHAHAHAHAH
trenzen (Observer): COME HERE
XaQ Morphy: I think our friend has issues with how the internet works
trenzen (Observer): YOU ARE AMERICAN
XaQ Morphy: I am?
XaQ Morphy: OMG
XaQ Morphy: YOU ARE RETARD
trenzen (Observer): YES MORON
XaQ Morphy: YES AGREED
trenzen (Observer): PLANE
trenzen (Observer): ANC COME HERE
trenzen (Observer): OR YOU ARE BIG MAN JUST IN THE MAIL?
trenzen (Observer): AHAHAHAH
trenzen (Observer): CAZZONE DI MERDA
XaQ Morphy: I'm sorry, are you inviting me over?
trenzen (Observer): YOU ARE JUST A CAZZONE DI MERDA
trenzen (Observer): YES YES
trenzen (Observer): COME HERE:)))
XaQ Morphy: sorry, not interested, I don't swing that way
trenzen (Observer): AHAHAHAHAHAAH
trenzen (Observer): AHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH
trenzen (Observer): BLA BLA BLA
trenzen (Observer): BLA BLA BLA
XaQ Morphy: well that I agree with
trenzen (Observer): AND FLOPPPPPPPPPPPP THE SHI.T
XaQ Morphy: what the what?
trenzen (Observer): POLFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
trenzen (Observer): PLOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
XaQ Morphy: polf?
XaQ Morphy: plof?
trenzen (Observer): YES IS YOUR SH.IT
trenzen (Observer): PLOF PLOF
trenzen (Observer): "'M NOT INTERESTING.....I WANT YOUR MAIL..."
trenzen (Observer): AHAHAHAHAH
trenzen (Observer): COME HERE
trenzen (Observer): COGLIONE
XaQ Morphy: say lol
trenzen (Observer): ROGER RABBIT
trenzen (Observer): LOL
trenzen (Observer): YES ROGER RABBIT
XaQ Morphy: PAPA SMURF
XaQ Morphy: LOL
trenzen (Observer): NOT PAPA
trenzen (Observer): YOUR MOTHER
trenzen (Observer): LOL
trenzen (Observer): LOL
trenzen (Observer): LOL
XaQ Morphy: AAAAAAHAHAHAHA
trenzen (Observer): LOL
XaQ Morphy: LOL
XaQ Morphy: PLOFFFFFFFFFF
trenzen (Observer): DONT YOU LIKE?
XaQ Morphy: POLFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF XaQ Morphy: what the now the soon puta the exit?
trenzen (Observer): AGAIN....
XaQ Morphy: RONDWORKIN RAISE FROM THE HAND
XaQ Morphy: PLOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Dealer: RonDworkin wins the pot (640)
trenzen (Observer): HE DOES WHAT HE WANTS
trenzen (Observer): SHUT UP MORON
XaQ Morphy: WHO YOU KNOW?
trenzen (Observer): AND PLAY:)))
RonDworkin: rond dworkin does the necessary
trenzen (Observer): I KNOW YOUR MOTHER
trenzen (Observer): IS EGUAL
RonDworkin: the needful
trenzen (Observer): AHAHAH
XaQ Morphy: EGUAL?
trenzen (Observer): SOON OF PUTA:)))
trenzen (Observer): LOL
trenzen (Observer): NOT SILENZ MORON
trenzen (Observer): SPEAK AGAIN
trenzen (Observer): NOT NOT SILENZ
XaQ Morphy: Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun
trenzen (Observer): WOWOW
trenzen (Observer): THAT PRO
XaQ Morphy: who you now the exit?
trenzen (Observer): BUT YOUR MOTHER IS A BETTER PRO
trenzen (Observer): BETTER PRO
trenzen (Observer): LOL
trenzen (Observer): LOL
trenzen (Observer): LOL
Smilez187: lol
trenzen (Observer): DONT YOU LIKE?
XaQ Morphy: lol this guy is my hero
trenzen (Observer): NOW DONT YOU LIKE.......

Hopefully this is coming through as funny as it was for me. There are a few morons on RGP who will read every single one of my blog posts, then post on RGP about how I'm not funny at all. Yet, they are stupid enough to read every single post (yes pokerchimp, I'm talking about you, you retard). Anyway, by this point I'm laughing so hard I barely realize I'm still playing poker, or whatever it is that I do when I give my chips away to random players on the tables I sit at. So we have this ending:

Dealer: XaQ Morphy shows [Kc 9h As 8h]
Dealer: goldenflush shows [8s Jh Ah Ad]
Dealer: XaQ Morphy shows Ace King high
Dealer: goldenflush shows a pair of Aces
Dealer: goldenflush wins the pot (11,680) with a pair of Aces
trenzen (Observer): ON THE FACEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Dealer: Hand #5911338167
XaQ Morphy: oops
trenzen (Observer): ON THE FACEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
trenzen (Observer): ON THE FACEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Yessir, ON THE FACEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE indeed! I reviewed what I had saved in the chat log and realized that this entry is going to be pretty damn long, so I decided not to stay and banter with my new friend any longer. However, I will be happy to inform you that he showed up at 2 of my tables today to start the game over again. I didn't save any of them this time because I wanted to get this blog entry up and posted so I could point him to it as a documentary of his stupidity.

So I bid you farewell, loyal Manifestites. I do have another blog entry in the works, and I'm sure one of these years I'll do another entry from The List, but for the meantime I wish you well. Until next time, enjoy!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

u r stupid is what u r

Happy New Year Manifestites! I hope everyone had a great holiday and is now ready for a wonderful 2008. Or something. Here at the Morphy household we started 2008 with our furnace dying during the night when it was 5 degrees outside. Yay! New furnance, gg $3k, hello yet another major component of our home we've had to replace in the 5 years we've been here. It's just about time to move now that everything is new.

I know a lot of you have been asking for more PLO videos. The honest answer is I don't know how much PLO I'm going to be playing in the future. I do have a few videos saved up from before that I could narrate and upload, but I'm back to playing NLHE for a while now. I'm in roll building mode, and I may record some of these sessions, or I may wait until I'm properly rolled for, ahem, the level I'm playing, before I record. I apologize to the loyal fans, but PLO was burning me out and I needed a change. I'll keep my eyes out for something to record in the somewhat near future.

A few weeks ago I was watching my good friend Ron Dworkin play some PLO on FullTilt poker. We'll frequently be playing our own game while watching the other, mostly to laugh at the idiots and complain about the bad beats. Typical online poker stuff, you know. Just when I think things are going normally, this happens:

Dealer: 8TylerDurden shows [5d 5c Jh Tc]
Dealer: SERGIO20 shows [Kc 6h Kd 6c]
Dealer: 8TylerDurden shows a straight, Ace high
Dealer: SERGIO20 shows a full house, Kings full of Nines
Dealer: SERGIO20 wins the pot ($123.60) with a full house, Kings full of Nines

8TylerDurden: u r a f'ucking idiot
8TylerDurden: call pot bet as 3 to 1 underdog
8TylerDurden: what a goddamn donkey
SERGIO20: i know you hav street
SERGIO20: idiot
8TylerDurden: dude
8TylerDurden: if u know i have a straight then u r mkaing a terrible call
8TylerDurden: u have 10 outs out of 44 cards
8TylerDurden: less than 25%
8TylerDurden: U KNOW THAT RIGHT?
8TylerDurden: U R THE F"UCKING IDIOT
SERGIO20: im not profi than you
8TylerDurden: u rnot what?
8TylerDurden: u r stupid is what u r
SERGIO20: and look for outs idiot
8TylerDurden: dude really
8TylerDurden: u can't call me an idiot
8TylerDurden: that was an awful paly u made
8TylerDurden: U WERE MORE THAN 3 to 1 underdog

Awesome, a good old fashioned online donk fight! Nothing makes me smile more than to see two idiots who can't take the time to spell "you" or "are" go at it. It's also obvious that English isn't Sergio's first language. I'm surprised Tyler knew what he was talking about what he said "i know you hav street". Also notice that Sergio seems to say that he's not a professional player, and for that reason isn't looking for outs. (For those non-poker people, "outs" is a poker term relating to the number of cards left in the deck that can help someone's hand).

Ron Dworkin is also a fan of the online donk fights, and he couldn't resist jumping in:

RonDworkin: he was the fav
RonDworkin: you were the dog
8TylerDurden: what are u smoking?
8TylerDurden: after the turn
RonDworkin: banana peels
8TylerDurden: u guys r f;ucking idiots
8TylerDurden: i flopped a nut straight
8TylerDurden: turn improved nothign for anyone
SERGIO20: muhahahhaha
RonDworkin: ya, but you were behind to his monster draw
8TylerDurden: he has 10 f'uckin g outs
8TylerDurden: monster draw?
8TylerDurden: HE HAD 10 OUTS
8TylerDurden: ARE U F"UCKING STUPID?
8TylerDurden: I WASN"T BEHIND
RonDworkin: no, but you are
8TylerDurden: i will look it up u dumb SOB
RonDworkin: you were like 33%
8TylerDurden: god u r n idiot
RonDworkin: nu uh
RonDworkin: you are
8TylerDurden: k i will look it up and we will clear this up
SERGIO20: $!$$ing idiots
RonDworkin: yes, cuz i am really wanting to show the entire world that you are incorrect
RonDworkin: it is super important to me

Ahh yup, our tilting donk Tyler has already used caps a few times. I have a feeling it's just a matter of time before this guy snaps. Now of course Ron knows that Tyler is right, but saying "yes sir, you are correct" isn't nearly as funny as what has and is about to transpire. Also note that Tyler sat out from the game, so the timing is crucial here. We need to make sure he doesn't just give up and leave to go kick his dog. So let's see, what can I, a loyal railbird, do to help this situation along? Oh oh, I know!

XaQ Morphy (Observer): hey tyler, I did some research of my own, and it said that yes indeed, we can call you an idiot
RonDworkin: hey, thanks
XaQ Morphy (Observer): anytime
8TylerDurden: u guys r just full of sh-it
RonDworkin: tyler, sir
8TylerDurden: i know i was ahead 3 to 1
RonDworkin: you are an idiot
8TylerDurden: F"UCK U
RonDworkin: man, you can't even work a basic computing machine
XaQ Morphy (Observer): did you count a backdoor draw?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): that can be worth anywhere from .9 to 2 outs

Shout out to RGP's Gary Carson for the above line.

XaQ Morphy (Observer): per draw
8TylerDurden: http://twodimes.net/poker/?g=o&b=Qd+As+Kh&d=&h=5d+5c
+Jh+Tc%0D%0AKc+6h+Kd+6c
XaQ Morphy (Observer): what is that garbage
RonDworkin: what the hell is that
RonDworkin: chinese?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): please don't spam the chat sir
SERGIO20: durden why not play idiot
XaQ Morphy (Observer): durden can't beat bad players
8TylerDurden: afgter flop I am ahead 63.8% to 36.2%
RonDworkin: he is too busy writing chinese in the chat
MANNY24FAN: who the &! @# cares this site pays off the underdog 90% of the time
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I thought you said 3 to 1?
RonDworkin: and making himself look bad with his bogus claims
8TylerDurden: after turn i am ahead 7% to 25%

Now, everyone realizes that he meant to type 75% here. But just saying "oh, ok, you were ahead 75% to 25%" isn't nearly as funny as this:

XaQ Morphy (Observer): 7 isn't ahead of 25
SERGIO20: idiot durden go sleep
XaQ Morphy (Observer): not sure if you know that
RonDworkin: man, what a maroon
8TylerDurden: i just f'ucking looked up the hand on twodimes.net
8TylerDurden: u guys r just talking out of your #@!
RonDworkin: what the hell does twenty cents have to do with this
XaQ Morphy (Observer): and twodimes told you that 7% was greater than 25%?
8TylerDurden: DO U UNDERSTAND ENGLISH
8TylerDurden: 75%
XaQ Morphy (Observer): 75%? you said 7%
8TylerDurden: I AM AHEAD 75% to 25%
8TylerDurden: I BET POT
8TylerDurden: HE CALLS
XaQ Morphy (Observer): that's not what you said
RonDworkin: just accept you got it in bad
XaQ Morphy (Observer): you said 7%
RonDworkin: it happens to the best of us
8TylerDurden: RON
SERGIO20: idiots play 50 cent cash ans be angry
8TylerDurden: EXPLAIN YOURSELF
SERGIO20: idiot
8TylerDurden: HOW THE F"UCK AM I IN BAD?!
RonDworkin: im 6'0, muscular, dark hair
8TylerDurden: HE HAS 10 OUTS AFTER FLOP AND TURN
XaQ Morphy (Observer): here watch
XaQ Morphy (Observer): 8TylerDurden: after turn i am ahead 7% to 25%
8TylerDurden: U STUPID GAY B_ITCH
XaQ Morphy (Observer): that's what you said
XaQ Morphy (Observer): and 7% clearly isn't greater than 25%
8TylerDurden: 75% to 25%
8TylerDurden: JESUS
SERGIO20: idiot
XaQ Morphy (Observer): no moron, you said 7%
SERGIO20: you must learn omaha
8TylerDurden: it was a goddamn typo u f'ucking re tard
8TylerDurden: I KNOW OMAHA U F"UCK FACE
8TylerDurden: U HAD TEN GODDAM OUTS
XaQ Morphy (Observer): oh sure, now blame getting in bad on a typo
8TylerDurden: I FLOPPED A STRAIGHT U FLOPPED A SET
SERGIO20: yes i %@&% your mothers face
SERGIO20: ok
XaQ Morphy (Observer): he had a full house
8TylerDurden: WTF IS WRONG WITH U PEOPLE
RonDworkin: BURN!
XaQ Morphy (Observer): can't you read the board?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): a full house beats a straight
8TylerDurden: HE GOT A FULL HOUSE AFTER THE F"UCKING MONEY WAS IN
8TylerDurden: U DIPSH IT
XaQ Morphy (Observer): wait
SMokeMNy05: get over it
RonDworkin: oh wait
8TylerDurden: THE MONEY WENT IN BEFORE THE FULL HOUSE U DUMB SOB
RonDworkin: on second thought
XaQ Morphy (Observer): so the winner is determined when the money gets in?
RonDworkin: you were ahead
8TylerDurden: EXACTLY
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I thought poker was always the best 5 card hand
RonDworkin: nearly 3:1
8TylerDurden: goddamit dude
RonDworkin: why didn't you just say so
RonDworkin: ??
RonDworkin: idiot
8TylerDurden: wh r u calling me an idiot for putting my money in with by far the best hand
8TylerDurden: u r just embarrassing yourself
XaQ Morphy (Observer): hey why aren't you typing in caps anymore, are you not as mad?
SERGIO20: durden mother &@&&er shut up
RonDworkin: xaq said we could
RonDworkin: he looked it up
8TylerDurden: no
8TylerDurden: i just can't believe how stupid u all r
XaQ Morphy (Observer): ok so can we draw some conclusions here?
RonDworkin: well he said he did
XaQ Morphy (Observer): 7% is obviously not greater than 25%
XaQ Morphy (Observer): and yes, we can call tyler an idiot
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I'm satisfied, what about you guys?
8TylerDurden: XaQ what is your problem? are you like 12 years old?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): no I'm not like 12 years old
8TylerDurden: I clearly said 700 times that it was 75% to 25%
XaQ Morphy (Observer): do I need to paste it again?
RonDworkin: BURN!
8TylerDurden: the one time i typed 7 it was a goddamn typo
8TylerDurden: what the "%!@% is your problem?
8TylerDurden: u never made a typo
XaQ Morphy (Observer): 8TylerDurden: after turn i am ahead 7% to 25%
RonDworkin: i got a retard sitting next to me
8TylerDurden: jesus u r a dumb f'uck
RonDworkin: whats your problem?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): 8TylerDurden: after turn i am ahead 7% to 25%
8TylerDurden: OMG
8TylerDurden: SHUT UP
8TylerDurden: my problem is that u guys r just LIARS
RonDworkin: ouch
8TylerDurden: why can't u jsut agree with FACTS
RonDworkin: my pants
XaQ Morphy (Observer): do I need to report you to fulltilt? you're not being very nice
RonDworkin: they seem
RonDworkin: to be on FIRE
8TylerDurden: GO F"UCK YOURSELF
8TylerDurden: DAMN RAILBIRD INTERNET GEEK
8TylerDurden: who is even talking to you
XaQ Morphy (Observer): ron is
8TylerDurden: i am talking to dumb b-itch sergio telling me i am behind when i am ahead 3 to 1
RonDworkin: <-----
SERGIO20: durden you can not win to me im program from full tilt
SERGIO20: and play for full tilt
8TylerDurden: u r a f'ucking re tard
8TylerDurden: if u really thoguht u were ahead
8TylerDurden: i feel sorry for your mom
RonDworkin: yes, that would be a serious life issue
XaQ Morphy (Observer): wait
XaQ Morphy (Observer): he was obv ahead
XaQ Morphy (Observer): cause he won the pot
8TylerDurden: XaQ are you stupid?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): wait
XaQ Morphy (Observer): why would I be stupid?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I know that 7 is less than 25

Ahh yes, nothing better than a nie game of twist the guy's words around and watch him lose his mind. Speaking of losing his mind, seems like Sergio got bored with all this, and decided to do some commentary of his own:

SERGIO20:
ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
8TylerDurden: i am talking about the concept of whenthe money goes in
SERGIO20:
ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
8TylerDurden: if u dont' get that, i can't help u
SERGIO20:
fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
SERGIO20:
fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
8TylerDurden: i'm sorry sergio
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I would like to congratulate you for your newfound fame
8TylerDurden: u don't like that i am exposing your extreme stupidity?
SERGIO20:
fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

So there we have it. Or do we? At this point I closed the table down and started to edit the chat log, but another friend had the table up and pasted this to me. Apparently Tyler didn't get enough and sat back in to play some more:

8TylerDurden: this is ridiculous
8TylerDurden: i am ahead EVERY TIME
SERGIO20: I SEND YOU 10 dollars ok
8TylerDurden: dude seriously if u don't get out of my face i am going to find you and beat your goddamn face in
SERGIO20: you can play 0.10 0.20
SERGIO20: its ok my friend
8TylerDurden: how can u think those r good plays?
SERGIO20: lol
8TylerDurden: i don't understand
8TylerDurden: u get away with that garbage
8TylerDurden: that was twice u made ridiculous suckout
8TylerDurden: and then u have the gall to talk trash
8TylerDurden: u r a person of low quality
8TylerDurden: i hope you die a horrible painful death
8TylerDurden: soon
SERGIO20: ok i note you playerlist
SERGIO20: im must go !%#@
8TylerDurden: note me what?
SERGIO20: ciao
8TylerDurden: just go f'uck yourself
SERGIO20: in my playerlist
SERGIO20: there is all fishes
8TylerDurden: if i ever find u i am going to cut up
up with knives
8TylerDurden: i'm not kidding
SERGIO20: ciao fisch
8TylerDurden: u will wish u never were goddamn
rude to me u lowlife motherf'ucker
8TylerDurden: U R THE GODDAM FISH
SERGIO20: im coming 5 minutes here than we can play heads up idiot
8TylerDurden: u won't even have a had when i am through with u
8TylerDurden: i am goign to smash your goddam face in
8TylerDurden: u impotent child molester
8TylerDurden: don't play with this guy
8TylerDurden: he is a f'ucking cheater and a lowlife motherf'ucker
KrondoN_501: where mommy
KrondoN_501: watevfer
8TylerDurden: seriously, get insurance
8TylerDurden: u r gonna need it, i am gonna f'uck up your pathetic life
8TylerDurden: u r gonna wish u kept your goddam mouth shut

Oh my...internet tilt at its finest. I kept Tyler on my search list for a few weeks after that, but didn't see him at all. Hopefully he didn't have a really big dog. Or a really hungry one.

Until next time, enjoy!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy