u r stupid is what u r

Happy New Year Manifestites! I hope everyone had a great holiday and is now ready for a wonderful 2008. Or something. Here at the Morphy household we started 2008 with our furnace dying during the night when it was 5 degrees outside. Yay! New furnance, gg $3k, hello yet another major component of our home we've had to replace in the 5 years we've been here. It's just about time to move now that everything is new.

I know a lot of you have been asking for more PLO videos. The honest answer is I don't know how much PLO I'm going to be playing in the future. I do have a few videos saved up from before that I could narrate and upload, but I'm back to playing NLHE for a while now. I'm in roll building mode, and I may record some of these sessions, or I may wait until I'm properly rolled for, ahem, the level I'm playing, before I record. I apologize to the loyal fans, but PLO was burning me out and I needed a change. I'll keep my eyes out for something to record in the somewhat near future.

A few weeks ago I was watching my good friend Ron Dworkin play some PLO on FullTilt poker. We'll frequently be playing our own game while watching the other, mostly to laugh at the idiots and complain about the bad beats. Typical online poker stuff, you know. Just when I think things are going normally, this happens:

Dealer: 8TylerDurden shows [5d 5c Jh Tc]
Dealer: SERGIO20 shows [Kc 6h Kd 6c]
Dealer: 8TylerDurden shows a straight, Ace high
Dealer: SERGIO20 shows a full house, Kings full of Nines
Dealer: SERGIO20 wins the pot ($123.60) with a full house, Kings full of Nines

8TylerDurden: u r a f'ucking idiot
8TylerDurden: call pot bet as 3 to 1 underdog
8TylerDurden: what a goddamn donkey
SERGIO20: i know you hav street
SERGIO20: idiot
8TylerDurden: dude
8TylerDurden: if u know i have a straight then u r mkaing a terrible call
8TylerDurden: u have 10 outs out of 44 cards
8TylerDurden: less than 25%
8TylerDurden: U KNOW THAT RIGHT?
8TylerDurden: U R THE F"UCKING IDIOT
SERGIO20: im not profi than you
8TylerDurden: u rnot what?
8TylerDurden: u r stupid is what u r
SERGIO20: and look for outs idiot
8TylerDurden: dude really
8TylerDurden: u can't call me an idiot
8TylerDurden: that was an awful paly u made
8TylerDurden: U WERE MORE THAN 3 to 1 underdog

Awesome, a good old fashioned online donk fight! Nothing makes me smile more than to see two idiots who can't take the time to spell "you" or "are" go at it. It's also obvious that English isn't Sergio's first language. I'm surprised Tyler knew what he was talking about what he said "i know you hav street". Also notice that Sergio seems to say that he's not a professional player, and for that reason isn't looking for outs. (For those non-poker people, "outs" is a poker term relating to the number of cards left in the deck that can help someone's hand).

Ron Dworkin is also a fan of the online donk fights, and he couldn't resist jumping in:

RonDworkin: he was the fav
RonDworkin: you were the dog
8TylerDurden: what are u smoking?
8TylerDurden: after the turn
RonDworkin: banana peels
8TylerDurden: u guys r f;ucking idiots
8TylerDurden: i flopped a nut straight
8TylerDurden: turn improved nothign for anyone
SERGIO20: muhahahhaha
RonDworkin: ya, but you were behind to his monster draw
8TylerDurden: he has 10 f'uckin g outs
8TylerDurden: monster draw?
8TylerDurden: HE HAD 10 OUTS
8TylerDurden: ARE U F"UCKING STUPID?
8TylerDurden: I WASN"T BEHIND
RonDworkin: no, but you are
8TylerDurden: i will look it up u dumb SOB
RonDworkin: you were like 33%
8TylerDurden: god u r n idiot
RonDworkin: nu uh
RonDworkin: you are
8TylerDurden: k i will look it up and we will clear this up
SERGIO20: $!$$ing idiots
RonDworkin: yes, cuz i am really wanting to show the entire world that you are incorrect
RonDworkin: it is super important to me

Ahh yup, our tilting donk Tyler has already used caps a few times. I have a feeling it's just a matter of time before this guy snaps. Now of course Ron knows that Tyler is right, but saying "yes sir, you are correct" isn't nearly as funny as what has and is about to transpire. Also note that Tyler sat out from the game, so the timing is crucial here. We need to make sure he doesn't just give up and leave to go kick his dog. So let's see, what can I, a loyal railbird, do to help this situation along? Oh oh, I know!

XaQ Morphy (Observer): hey tyler, I did some research of my own, and it said that yes indeed, we can call you an idiot
RonDworkin: hey, thanks
XaQ Morphy (Observer): anytime
8TylerDurden: u guys r just full of sh-it
RonDworkin: tyler, sir
8TylerDurden: i know i was ahead 3 to 1
RonDworkin: you are an idiot
8TylerDurden: F"UCK U
RonDworkin: man, you can't even work a basic computing machine
XaQ Morphy (Observer): did you count a backdoor draw?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): that can be worth anywhere from .9 to 2 outs

Shout out to RGP's Gary Carson for the above line.

XaQ Morphy (Observer): per draw
8TylerDurden: http://twodimes.net/poker/?g=o&b=Qd+As+Kh&d=&h=5d+5c
+Jh+Tc%0D%0AKc+6h+Kd+6c
XaQ Morphy (Observer): what is that garbage
RonDworkin: what the hell is that
RonDworkin: chinese?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): please don't spam the chat sir
SERGIO20: durden why not play idiot
XaQ Morphy (Observer): durden can't beat bad players
8TylerDurden: afgter flop I am ahead 63.8% to 36.2%
RonDworkin: he is too busy writing chinese in the chat
MANNY24FAN: who the &! @# cares this site pays off the underdog 90% of the time
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I thought you said 3 to 1?
RonDworkin: and making himself look bad with his bogus claims
8TylerDurden: after turn i am ahead 7% to 25%

Now, everyone realizes that he meant to type 75% here. But just saying "oh, ok, you were ahead 75% to 25%" isn't nearly as funny as this:

XaQ Morphy (Observer): 7 isn't ahead of 25
SERGIO20: idiot durden go sleep
XaQ Morphy (Observer): not sure if you know that
RonDworkin: man, what a maroon
8TylerDurden: i just f'ucking looked up the hand on twodimes.net
8TylerDurden: u guys r just talking out of your #@!
RonDworkin: what the hell does twenty cents have to do with this
XaQ Morphy (Observer): and twodimes told you that 7% was greater than 25%?
8TylerDurden: DO U UNDERSTAND ENGLISH
8TylerDurden: 75%
XaQ Morphy (Observer): 75%? you said 7%
8TylerDurden: I AM AHEAD 75% to 25%
8TylerDurden: I BET POT
8TylerDurden: HE CALLS
XaQ Morphy (Observer): that's not what you said
RonDworkin: just accept you got it in bad
XaQ Morphy (Observer): you said 7%
RonDworkin: it happens to the best of us
8TylerDurden: RON
SERGIO20: idiots play 50 cent cash ans be angry
8TylerDurden: EXPLAIN YOURSELF
SERGIO20: idiot
8TylerDurden: HOW THE F"UCK AM I IN BAD?!
RonDworkin: im 6'0, muscular, dark hair
8TylerDurden: HE HAS 10 OUTS AFTER FLOP AND TURN
XaQ Morphy (Observer): here watch
XaQ Morphy (Observer): 8TylerDurden: after turn i am ahead 7% to 25%
8TylerDurden: U STUPID GAY B_ITCH
XaQ Morphy (Observer): that's what you said
XaQ Morphy (Observer): and 7% clearly isn't greater than 25%
8TylerDurden: 75% to 25%
8TylerDurden: JESUS
SERGIO20: idiot
XaQ Morphy (Observer): no moron, you said 7%
SERGIO20: you must learn omaha
8TylerDurden: it was a goddamn typo u f'ucking re tard
8TylerDurden: I KNOW OMAHA U F"UCK FACE
8TylerDurden: U HAD TEN GODDAM OUTS
XaQ Morphy (Observer): oh sure, now blame getting in bad on a typo
8TylerDurden: I FLOPPED A STRAIGHT U FLOPPED A SET
SERGIO20: yes i %@&% your mothers face
SERGIO20: ok
XaQ Morphy (Observer): he had a full house
8TylerDurden: WTF IS WRONG WITH U PEOPLE
RonDworkin: BURN!
XaQ Morphy (Observer): can't you read the board?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): a full house beats a straight
8TylerDurden: HE GOT A FULL HOUSE AFTER THE F"UCKING MONEY WAS IN
8TylerDurden: U DIPSH IT
XaQ Morphy (Observer): wait
SMokeMNy05: get over it
RonDworkin: oh wait
8TylerDurden: THE MONEY WENT IN BEFORE THE FULL HOUSE U DUMB SOB
RonDworkin: on second thought
XaQ Morphy (Observer): so the winner is determined when the money gets in?
RonDworkin: you were ahead
8TylerDurden: EXACTLY
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I thought poker was always the best 5 card hand
RonDworkin: nearly 3:1
8TylerDurden: goddamit dude
RonDworkin: why didn't you just say so
RonDworkin: ??
RonDworkin: idiot
8TylerDurden: wh r u calling me an idiot for putting my money in with by far the best hand
8TylerDurden: u r just embarrassing yourself
XaQ Morphy (Observer): hey why aren't you typing in caps anymore, are you not as mad?
SERGIO20: durden mother &@&&er shut up
RonDworkin: xaq said we could
RonDworkin: he looked it up
8TylerDurden: no
8TylerDurden: i just can't believe how stupid u all r
XaQ Morphy (Observer): ok so can we draw some conclusions here?
RonDworkin: well he said he did
XaQ Morphy (Observer): 7% is obviously not greater than 25%
XaQ Morphy (Observer): and yes, we can call tyler an idiot
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I'm satisfied, what about you guys?
8TylerDurden: XaQ what is your problem? are you like 12 years old?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): no I'm not like 12 years old
8TylerDurden: I clearly said 700 times that it was 75% to 25%
XaQ Morphy (Observer): do I need to paste it again?
RonDworkin: BURN!
8TylerDurden: the one time i typed 7 it was a goddamn typo
8TylerDurden: what the "%!@% is your problem?
8TylerDurden: u never made a typo
XaQ Morphy (Observer): 8TylerDurden: after turn i am ahead 7% to 25%
RonDworkin: i got a retard sitting next to me
8TylerDurden: jesus u r a dumb f'uck
RonDworkin: whats your problem?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): 8TylerDurden: after turn i am ahead 7% to 25%
8TylerDurden: OMG
8TylerDurden: SHUT UP
8TylerDurden: my problem is that u guys r just LIARS
RonDworkin: ouch
8TylerDurden: why can't u jsut agree with FACTS
RonDworkin: my pants
XaQ Morphy (Observer): do I need to report you to fulltilt? you're not being very nice
RonDworkin: they seem
RonDworkin: to be on FIRE
8TylerDurden: GO F"UCK YOURSELF
8TylerDurden: DAMN RAILBIRD INTERNET GEEK
8TylerDurden: who is even talking to you
XaQ Morphy (Observer): ron is
8TylerDurden: i am talking to dumb b-itch sergio telling me i am behind when i am ahead 3 to 1
RonDworkin: <-----
SERGIO20: durden you can not win to me im program from full tilt
SERGIO20: and play for full tilt
8TylerDurden: u r a f'ucking re tard
8TylerDurden: if u really thoguht u were ahead
8TylerDurden: i feel sorry for your mom
RonDworkin: yes, that would be a serious life issue
XaQ Morphy (Observer): wait
XaQ Morphy (Observer): he was obv ahead
XaQ Morphy (Observer): cause he won the pot
8TylerDurden: XaQ are you stupid?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): wait
XaQ Morphy (Observer): why would I be stupid?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I know that 7 is less than 25

Ahh yes, nothing better than a nie game of twist the guy's words around and watch him lose his mind. Speaking of losing his mind, seems like Sergio got bored with all this, and decided to do some commentary of his own:

SERGIO20:
ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
8TylerDurden: i am talking about the concept of whenthe money goes in
SERGIO20:
ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
8TylerDurden: if u dont' get that, i can't help u
SERGIO20:
fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
SERGIO20:
fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
8TylerDurden: i'm sorry sergio
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I would like to congratulate you for your newfound fame
8TylerDurden: u don't like that i am exposing your extreme stupidity?
SERGIO20:
fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

So there we have it. Or do we? At this point I closed the table down and started to edit the chat log, but another friend had the table up and pasted this to me. Apparently Tyler didn't get enough and sat back in to play some more:

8TylerDurden: this is ridiculous
8TylerDurden: i am ahead EVERY TIME
SERGIO20: I SEND YOU 10 dollars ok
8TylerDurden: dude seriously if u don't get out of my face i am going to find you and beat your goddamn face in
SERGIO20: you can play 0.10 0.20
SERGIO20: its ok my friend
8TylerDurden: how can u think those r good plays?
SERGIO20: lol
8TylerDurden: i don't understand
8TylerDurden: u get away with that garbage
8TylerDurden: that was twice u made ridiculous suckout
8TylerDurden: and then u have the gall to talk trash
8TylerDurden: u r a person of low quality
8TylerDurden: i hope you die a horrible painful death
8TylerDurden: soon
SERGIO20: ok i note you playerlist
SERGIO20: im must go !%#@
8TylerDurden: note me what?
SERGIO20: ciao
8TylerDurden: just go f'uck yourself
SERGIO20: in my playerlist
SERGIO20: there is all fishes
8TylerDurden: if i ever find u i am going to cut up
up with knives
8TylerDurden: i'm not kidding
SERGIO20: ciao fisch
8TylerDurden: u will wish u never were goddamn
rude to me u lowlife motherf'ucker
8TylerDurden: U R THE GODDAM FISH
SERGIO20: im coming 5 minutes here than we can play heads up idiot
8TylerDurden: u won't even have a had when i am through with u
8TylerDurden: i am goign to smash your goddam face in
8TylerDurden: u impotent child molester
8TylerDurden: don't play with this guy
8TylerDurden: he is a f'ucking cheater and a lowlife motherf'ucker
KrondoN_501: where mommy
KrondoN_501: watevfer
8TylerDurden: seriously, get insurance
8TylerDurden: u r gonna need it, i am gonna f'uck up your pathetic life
8TylerDurden: u r gonna wish u kept your goddam mouth shut

Oh my...internet tilt at its finest. I kept Tyler on my search list for a few weeks after that, but didn't see him at all. Hopefully he didn't have a really big dog. Or a really hungry one.

Until next time, enjoy!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy