Donkey Bits

No, it's not a snack; rather, an assortment of different donkey type stories that have come up in the past week.

I first want to wish Muk well in the passing of his, umm, issue there. "It doesn't hurt till the second day, dude."

Next, for some reason I found myself with the movie Shark Attack 3: Megaladon on TV in the background on the sci-fi channel. I was playing poker I think (imagine that), and didn't pay attention to most of it, except 3 of the best edits ever. In an argument scene, the terms "bull dirt!" and "bull riding squat!" were used. The best one though, was when this big ass shark was ramming into this boat, this guy looks freaked out and yells out "oversize shark!"

Next is a nice banking story. We applied for a home equity line of credit against our mortgage. Since we had the mortgage and the credit line at the same bank, we decided to move our checking/savings there as well. Our bank was ok, but didn't have many locations, and charged fees for a few things, such as online banking. So, the deal was, the papers were in, we didn't put anything into our new checking account because we needed to physically go to the old bank to close the accounts, so we opened the account with nothing. We were told we could go online and transfer from the credit line right into checking, and go from there.

I went to their site to set up the online accounts, and had to verify a few things. Checking account number, got it. Social security number, got it. Date and amount of last transaction. Ummm, well, let's see, there was none. So let's try the date we set it up and $0.00. Nope, didn't do it. So figured it was one of those loophole type situations where I call them up, they do something, and everything is set up. Well, no. I call up, and they say that they can't do anything, that I can only set things up is to either enter that information, or enter my check/debit card information and pin number. Well, I don't have those, because they take 7-10 days to mail out.

So off to the bank I head with penny, nickel, dime, quarter, and dollar bill. I walk up to the teller (wife giggling behind me) and say, loudly, "Ready for the most ridiculous question you'll hear today? what is the smallest deposit into a checking account you accept?" Without really batting an eye, the lady said "$1" and I said "ok, $1 it is then, although I'm disappointed cause I have a penny all ready to go!" The next day I enter my account number, SSN, then the previous date and $1.00 as the amount, and sure enough, online banking is all set up and ready to go.

But, I noticed that the equity loan information wasn't there. I tried to add that account number and was told it was an invalid number. So I send them a "secure online message" asking about that account number, and why it didn't appear on the accounts screen. The next day I receive an email telling me I have a "secure online message" waiting for me on the bank's site. I login to the site and sure enough, there's my credit account, all ready to go. Cool, they must have figured it out. I go into my "secure online message" (and I'm not sure why I keep putting that in quotes, but it looks cool that way, so I'm going to continue), and read a very friendly letter telling me that the account number does not exist in their system, and that I should verify that I have the correct number. Ummm, ok, thanks?

And last but not least, a Donkey of Fortune Sighting. There were 3 separate donkey moments, by 2 separate people in this one. The first, player A spins, guesses a letter, asks to buy a vowel, an A, and is told there are no A's, and the buzzer goes off. Player B spins and hits bankrupt right away. Our donkey, Amanda, spins, guesses a letter, then asks to buy a vowel, and asks for A. The whole room goes silent, and even the guy with the buzzer was slow to act on that one.

Next, our donkey, Robin, is up at the puzzle. She asks for a Y, then she buys a vowel, an I, and the puzzle looks like this:

MYSTERIO_S
_R_M_ SERIES
LOST

A few seconds of silence, and she says "I would like to solve the puzzle." Now, remember, not 10 seconds earlier she asks for the letter I, and there are 3 E's up there. Our donkey blurts out "MYSTERIOUS CRIME SERIES LOST!" The whole crowd awwwww's, and our donkey has this confused look on her face as if she didn't get it. Our donkey Amanda, from above, then guesses a G, and gets the bzzzzzzt right away, and without spinning, the eventual champion solves. (DRAMA in case Robin or Amanda are reading this). You can actually hear the collective "oh" from BOTH Robin and Amanda as he says the word DRAMA.

Meanwhile I'm scrambling to hit the record button on my DVR, and am glad that it starts recording at the beginning of the show, as long as you've been watching it the entire time, because I knew there had to be at least one more write up in this episode.

First off, if anyone is unfamiliar with the show, the add up all the cash and prizes you win to your total, and the person with the highest total goes to the final puzzle. So, the winner of every puzzle so far hits almost $10k with the previous puzzle, and as anyone that has watched the show knows, sometimes a $10k lead is hard to overcome. Robin is featured again in this one. They have this deal where on the wheel are 2 $1k slots with a ? by them. One of them is a car, and one of them is a bankrupt, where you lose everything. Robin hits it, guesses a letter, and gets $1k. When asked whether she wanted to risk the $1k on a $13k car, she says "not a chance," spends $250 on buying a vowel, and then goes bankrupt. Needless to say the eventual champion lands on the same one as before, and sure enough, it's the car.

Until next time!

Morphy

NOT a post about Donkeys?!?!

So, I wanted to keep work happenings out of this blog, especially since I really like the new(ish) company that I work for. But when something like this happens, I can't pass it up. This email was sent to all employees. I've taken out any names and company names to at least keep it semi-anonymous.

Attention: All Employees

Due to the growing problem of Canadian Geese using the grounds of [edit] this company as a gathering point, we have hired a company to disperse the birds away from our building. Migratory Bird Management is a licensed control specialist who will utilize highly trained border collies, and a variety of other techniques, to persuade the birds to leave our property without harming the animals. As some of you may recall, last spring when these geese were allowed to establish a nest around people, they became very aggressive. Furthermore, the mess that large numbers of birds leave in our parking lot is unpleasant and could even pose a health hazard, if left unchecked. If you have any questions or concerns regarding this new vendor or their techniques, please contact me.

Thank you,
Facilities Manager

I'm in the wrong business if there are people getting paid to use dogs to chase birds away. This funny big of chat did happen shortly after I told Muk about it. Unfortunately, he was talking about a poker tournament:

[16:35] Mukwrm715: such a shame when perfectly laid plans backfire

[16:36] XaQ Morphy: like when the dogs eat the geese? or are you talking about something else?

Morphy

Donkeys, ATMs, and 3%

For some reason lately my poker playing has slowly migrated from SNG's (1 table tournaments), to cash games. My game of choice is a max $100 buyin, 6 handed game with blinds of 50c and $1. There have been many donkey sightings at these tables, but since I'm trying to NOT make this a poker blog, I've been refraining. Last night I had a very strange/good situation come up, so I decided to write about it. For those of you who are too important to read stories about low level poker, skip this story.

Ok, for both of you still reading this, I had a strange 6 max table last night. On my right was a total rock. Weak/passive, played his big hands strong, and basically was easy to read. 2 seats to my left was the donkey ATM. This guy liked any face card, any 2 suits, umm, any 2 cards, had no concept of position, and thought poker was all about bluffing. He loved to bluff, but did it in a controlled manner, in that he usually only tried one bluff per pot. He also basically told anyone that was paying attention what his cards were based on his bets. And he loved top pair on the flop, regardless of the kicker. There was a good chance this donkey was drunk and just throwing around money for fun. There was also a good chance this donkey was just a donkey. From where I stood, I didn't care.

So, for 3 hours, a pattern followed. Donkey ATM would suck out and bust one of the other 3 players, and the rock and I would alternate taking chips from the Donkey. The Donkey called almost every raise, and made it known that no one was to raise his blinds. He also tried all sorts of crazy bluffs, but would only bluff once. So, if you called him, and he checked to you, a bet on the next street won the pot 99% of the time. If he check-raised, it was an obvious huge hand, and easy to get away from, unless you were one of the other 3 at the table who seemed to come in, go bust in 10 mins, then take off without saying a word (losing bots indeed!).

So I learned a lot of things about observing opponents and all, but had a problem. This Donkey ATM was going to go bust eventually. I didn't want this to happen. I wanted him to keep taking money from the others so I could slowly feed on him. I didn't want my main game to be against the rock. So, I invented a new move. It seemed like he loved calling raises from everyone but the rock, but seemed to understand some rudimentary pot odds. So, if the rock raised, occasionally I would call with nothing on the button. This gave the SB better odds to call, and the BB (ATM) even better odds to call, and any EP limpers even better odds to call. Most of the time neither the rock nor I would win the pot, but it created all sorts of neat scenarios between the Donkey ATM and the other players. There also was a hand where the Donkey ATM called a raise from the rock with K7, Flop K73, and he nearly doubles through the rock's AK.

So this went on for 2 hours. The table chatter was friendly, with little to no chat from the Donkey ATM. The rock and I talked about different hands, players after they left, and I got the chance to tell an up and coming player (ie, someone begging for money) that taco bell would be happy to stake him.

Until...the table fuckwit gets to the table. Within a few hands, fuckwit loses a hand to Donkey, and starts berating him. Immediately, Donkey ATM starts moving in preflop, or betting crazy on the flop. I knew that the ATM was about to go bust. I tried saying a few things to fuckwit, but fuckwit wouldn't have anything of it. He insisted the guy was a moron, and insisted on telling the entire table about it. This was bad. For those of you who think it's a bad thing to play against donkeys, you will be on this blog soon. Do NOT chase the donkeys away, as you can see from the story above, they can be a constant source of money.

So, I decided I had to do something. I either had to bust fuckwit myself, or have someone other than the Donkey ATM bust fuckwit. It was clear to me that if fuckwit and Donkey ATM got in a hand together that, regardless of the winner, Donkey ATM would be leaving the table. This is known as A Bad Thing (tm). Then this hand comes up:

XaQ Morphy: Ks Ah

At this table, I didn't really like playing "big" hands. This may sound counter intuitive, but drawing hands were big on this table, and against the Donkey ATM, I really could (and did) have any 2 cards to take a pot away from him. I thought about flat calling with this hand, but decided that maybe there would be a chance where I could get into a big hand with the Donkey ATM, lose some money to him, and get him to calm down so he could stay for a while.

So I raised to $3.50, and one player and the Donkey ATM called.

Flop (board: 2c Jc Ac)

Ummm, not the flop I wanted. Top pair, top kicker is worth nothing on this flop with this table makeup. So I bet out, $9. I figure I'll either take the pot right there, or one of the other players (hopefully the Donkey ATM) raises me and I can fold to him. But instead, something strange happened. Donkey ATM raised allin, and I read the numbers wrong and thought it was much less to call than it really was. I thought it was only $17 more to call, which would make it a bad move math-wise for me to fold here (at least if anyone is paying attention). Instead, it was $27 more to call, which I didn't realize until after the pot. So, knowing he had to have at least 2 pair here (with J2 being a definite possibility), I called, hoping to give him some money and keep him in the game longer. Instead...

Donkey ATM shows 9c 6c

Hey, he has the flush, and I'm less than 3% to win. I now notice the pot size and how much I put in, and wasn't all that happy about my move to keep the Donkey ATM in the game. That is, until...

River (board: 2c Jc Ac As 2h)

Donkey ATM shows 9c 6c
Donkey ATM has 9c 6c 2c Jc Ac: flush, ace high

XaQ Morphy shows Ks Ah
XaQ Morphy has Ah 2c Ac As 2h: full house, aces full of deuces

As expected, Donkey ATM immediately leaves the table. I certainly didn't mind the $85 pot, but really wanted him to stay around. Unfortunately, fuckwit still didn't get why it was A Good Thing (tm) to have Donkey ATM at the table. So before I left the table, I told fuckwit exactly how much of a fuckwit I thought he was. He still didn't get it, and I doubt he ever will. No doubt he'll show up on the blog in the future.

On a side note, for anyone wondering: recovery is going well, and I'm expected to be cleared to drive and go back to work in a week. I'm getting most of the movement in my head/neck back, and things are progressing well. Until next time!

Morphy

Important - Please Read

I know the Manifesto has become a fairly successful site. I'm surprised at the number of readers that visit the site. I'm sorry I haven't been able to offer as much new material as of late, but with recovering from surgery and all, I'm limited in what I'm exposed to. I do appreciate each and every one of you that take the time out of your days to read this blog.

Unfortunately, due to the overwhelming popularity of the Manifesto, Mukwrm715 and I are finding it difficult to deal with keeping everything running financially. The cost of finding new material, writing it up, and keeping the site up in working order is increasing on a daily basis.

As a result of this, we have to take some fairly drastic measures. I've worked through some numbers, and decided that if we increase our readership fees by 45%, we will be able to meet these financial needs within a matter of months. This increase will go into affect immediately. Whichever billing method you've chosen will be automatically adjusted to reflect this increase, and you will see it on your next bill.

I apologize for those that see this as a shock, but as I said, drastic situations require drastic measures. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I hope you choose to continue to support the Manifesto in the future.

Morphy

Desperate Donkeys Driving Dodges

Well, it's been a while since I've posted. Unfortunately, with my surgery recovery and all, I'm not able to get out as much as I'd like, so I am missing a lot of donkey sightings. Some of the news coverage of hurricane Katrina was surely worth of an entry, but I'm not THAT heartless.

Anyway, as I've said, if people send me information on possible entries, I'll post them and give them full credit. Or maybe I'll steal the credit all for myself. Depends on my mood. This one comes from my buddy Ice in Ohio. I'll post it just as he sent it to me. Enjoy!

========================================

My wife is on her way to work and gives me a call (mainly to make sure my lazy ass is out of bed)...

As she's talking she chuckles and says something about desperate people going too far. She says some heavy black woman has a bumper sticker on the back of her car that says, "Bored? Lonely? Give me a call 614-xxx-xxxx".

We made a couple jokes about it and I asked for the number again. I told her I'd call right back.

I dialed the number, fully expecting to get some religious recording, or a pitch for Avon. Instead, I hear a cheerful "Hallow?" on the other end of the line. I can hear the road noise in the background.

The only thing that pisses me off more than people who don't use their turn signals are people who have recreational conversations while driving and are too busy to use them. I was going to just hang up, but I couldn't resist.

I said, "Is this the lady with the bumper sticker on her car.....?" She replies, "Yes it is!" I can hear the smile on her face...

I screamed, "HANG THE FUCKING PHONE UP AND DRIVE YOU STUPID TWAT!!!" and immediately hung up.

Almost immediately my wife calls and says, "What the hell did you just
do? That lady is weaving all over the road screaming into her phone!"

I started laughing so fucking hard I don't think I got a word out in the three minutes it took for my wife to give up and hang up on me. She
just kept asking, "What? What?!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I'll bet that sticker was peeled off before the old cow bought her ticket and went all-in at the Olde Country Buffet ;-)

Ice