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But it's rigged, really, I swear!

It would be too easy to label every RGP post as the RGP Donkey of the Minute. Sometimes there's something that I feel I need to point out, yet doesn't quite reach full blown donkey status.

As a member of RGP, I've seen my share of "it's rigged" posts. Every site out there as people saying "this stuff only happens here" and for every bad beat story there's some donkey out there that feels the need to blame poker statistics on some intricate conspiracy theory.

"J from Wisconsin" deserves special recognition. Not only did he post a single hand as his "proof" that online poker is rigged, he screwed up his hand. Not only did he screw up the hand, he then lied about it, twice, in an attempt to cover his tracks. I'll save his conspiracy theory and go straight to the part in the post about the hand:

I'll give u 1 instance in a 2/4 NL from tonight and tell me how someone makes the call they do on me.....

I raise to $12 on the button with 10 10....and get 2 callers

Flop 10 5 6 rainbow.......1 guy bets into me $20 I raise to $60 he calles

Turn Q..the board is all rainbow now......the othe guy checks i move all in for $135 he calls with 6 9 off suit

(WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Im like yeah until the old river is a 6..........are u kidding me.......

In all honesty the guy called over $200 bucks on middle pair..........How is that possibe......

3rd grade grammar errors aside, let's point out the obvious that according to our friend J here, his full house of TTT66 lost to 3 of a kind 6's, final hand of T9666. Obviously he was called out on this more than once. His retort:

Whoops!!!!! I mean to say the flop was 3 5 6 rainbow.......And No I didnt think he could possibly have straight......If he does thats fine.....

But the flop was 3 5 6 rainbow i had pocket 10's he jad 6 9 final board read
3 5 6 J 6........

Now, an astute reader would notice that in J's first post, he asked how it was "possibe" (sic) for a guy to call with 2nd pair, not to mention the mysterious Jack that hit the turn this time around. In response to another poster pointing out that it was clearly a made up story, J comes up with this:

yep. i took 5 minues out of my day to post a fake bad beat story.....

to sum it up the guy called over $200 with middle pair and hit trips on the river to win.....Take it for what its worth...im not saying poker is fixed or bodog...i was just wondering if stuff like this has happened to other
on bodog..as it seems to be the trend....

Im sorry for bad typing abilities.....that is why i avoid rgp as its become gay...and people flame without thinking......clearly i know a full house beats trips.....

Notice that again, J points out the guy called with middle pair and hit trips to win. Also notice the final paragraph where he decides that after he's been called out many times already, he decides to call rgp "gay" which seems to be the comeback of the week for middle school children these days.

As I replied to J, he makes me feel ashamed to admit I've lived my entire life in Wisconsin.

Morphy

RGP Donkey of the Minute - 6/23/05

Some of the best moments happen when a donkey does something hilarious yet is totally clueless as to why whatever they did was funny.

I know that sarcasm is often lost on the internet. It's hard to convey emotion in the written word. Actually as far as I'm concerned the only thing that is difficult is for a donkey to take 2 seconds to try and figure out what they are reading before replying to it. I bring you today's example from poster "urtiz":

Subject: A deck FREE!!
These guys offer a very good information about any thing related with the poker and the best thing is that they give you a deck completely free! Recommended
[spam link removed]

Since I'm a natural cynic, I feel the need to reply:

Is this for real? How do they ship it? Is it pre-built or will I have to assemble it? If I already have a deck do I have to tear it down first? What kind of wood do they use?

Morphy

Obviously, the poor donkey doesn't understand a single word of English:

They send an email requiring you the shipment address but the email took weeks until I received it

Poor donkey. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost.

Morphy

RGP Donkey of the Minute - 6/22/05

As many who will be reading this know (or both of you, depending on how popular or not this gets), I'm an avid poker player. I read and "contribute" (and I use that term loosely) to the newsgroup rec.gambling.poker (RGP). Like any usenet group, RGP has its share of donkeys. In fact, I originally thought about restricting this blog to only poker related donkishness. Then I decided the world of the donkey is a vast thing, and expands way beyond the poker world.

That said, I will inevitably be posting poker related donkey sightings, including posts from RGP. Obviously I won't be posting all of the donkey posts from RGP, party because I don't want to have to put any of mine in there, but mostly because I'm sure blogspot doesn't have near the amount of disk needed for that compilation.

Please note that I won't be pulling punches. I have no problems posting handles/names of posters. If you don't want your name to appear here, think before you post. One thing to note is that sometimes the blatantly obvious is what I find to be most humorous. Other times it's me pointing out the blatantly obvious that I find the most humorous. I won't spend a whole lot of time explaining a lot of these posts, so if it isn't funny to you, plan on seeing your name in a future post.

This week's Donkey of the Minute is cracker69. This unfortunate soul has problems with the time/space continuum. His post appears below:

Subject: Full Tilt withdrawl, any help?

I withdrew from full tilt via a check two weeks ago and still have yet to receive it. They say wait 15-21 business days which is like a month. I expected the check fairly quickly as the mail doesnt take that long to get anywhere, especially in the US.

Anyone cashout via check and how long did it take?

After blinking repeatedly, I felt the need to reply:

So let me ask you something...do you turn on your TV at 6pm then post a message to the alt.tv.jerryspringer group asking why Jerry Springer isn't on at 6pm even though the TV Guide says it's supposed to be on at 7pm?

Please stop. It hurts just reading this.

Morphy

Of course once you get a donkey going he rarely stops:

wow,i just want to know from people how long it actually takes. they say 15-21 business days, but clearly mail doesnt take a month to go anywhere in the world(that has internet access at least). i need the money by friday and so i'm wondering if i'm gonna get it.

sorry that you are so mean to people just asking a simple question. hopefully you can find some joy in your life.

Was this just too easy? Of course not:

Well, let's see here. Is Friday between 15-21 business days from when you requested the cashout? That should answer your question.

I have plenty of joy in my life. I'm fully convinced that stupid people are here for my amusement. Right now, I'm amused.

Morphy

Stay tuned for the next RGP Donkey of the Minute.

Morphy

The Donkey of Fortune

So my wife and I finish watching something on the DVR (that's Donkey Video Recorder for those of you who aren't familiar with the term), and on TV is the end puzzle of Wheel of Fortune. I like watching these from time to time, see the person ask for the same letters, completely donk on the puzzle, and laugh at their general donkishness.

A number of years ago the show had to change their last puzzle format slightly. It seems that one of the brighter donkeys out there figured out that the letters RSTLNE are the most popular letters in our donkphabet. So, every time the final puzzle came up, the lemming donkeys would choose RSTLNE. So, they changed it. Now, they give the letters RSTLNE right away, then let the contestant pick 3 consonants and 1 vowel. Now the donkeys all pick CDMA. What's funny is the amount of thought that they put into picking the same letters.

So the puzzle comes up, and the featured donkey puts a lot of thought into picking CDMA. The puzzle category is thing, and it looks like this:

T _ _ E D _
_ A C _ E T

The contestant now has 10 seconds or so to answer the puzzle. About 2 seconds in you can literally see the light bulb go off above this donkeys head. She shouts out "Tweed Jacket!" and then when nothing happens she shouts out "Tweedy Jacket!" Nothing happens still, so she sits there for the last 5 seconds, and I swear, she must have said "Tweed Jacket" a good 5 more times.

The buzzer goes off, and the first words out of her mouth were "it isn't tweed jacket?"

Note to self: only drink liquids in a dark, confined room, and certainly no where near electronic components such as laptops.

Morphy

Is this a sequel?

The following picture is 100% legit and wasn't doctored. It was taken 9/19/04 at about 11:45am at the Budget Cinemas in Greenfield, WI. Funny though, you'd think the lines would have been longer...

Welcome

Welcome to The Donkey Manifesto. The purpose of this blog is to document the life of the donkey in all of its glory. Every day we run into something so ridonkulously donkish that we sit there and wonder how these donks make it through the day without dropping a piano on their heads. So sit back and enjoy the ride.

If you would like to submit a donkey sighting, please email to xaqmorphy@gmail.com for consideration.

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XaQ Morphy and Mukwrm715