Friday, March 24, 2006

Donkfiliates and DonkSet Poker

Hello again fellow Manifestites, and welcome to today's blog entry. It's been a while since I've had a really good customer service type story, so this one fits in perfectly.

Last year I wrote about a short rakeback/prop player deal I had with JetSet Poker. You can read about it here. Well, a few times here and there I've been back on the site for one reason or another. The site has a pretty nice interface, as long as you turn off the character avatars. But, the real thing that gets me is the players. Overall, the players are horrible. That alone would be fine, since as a poker player, you really want to play against players worse than yourself. But the thing is, the type of player on this site just drives me nuts. It's like I'm back in the late 80's in high school, and the entire yearbook committee has taken over. It drives me nuts, so I'm constantly banging my head against the wall if I do play there, but when I'm not, I hear about how bad the players are, and how the site is a gold mine. On top of that, a few friends of mine are playing the larger tournaments there, and I like to stop in and say hi once and a while, and take note of some of the hands they play so I can ask them about them/discuss them/all out make fun of them for it later on.

Note that I haven't received any sort of correspondence from the affiliate that was supposedly handling my rakeback for over a year. I figured after what happened previously that he was no longer an affiliate with JetSet, and since I hadn't received any sort of rakeback payment since July 2005, he was either pocketing the money and not telling anyone (which is what he did originally), or he vanished.

Here's where our story begins. A few weeks ago I was on the site watching a friend play, and I noticed that my chat wasn't working. I wasn't receiving an error of any kind, but no matter what I typed, nothing appeared in the chat box. I found this odd. After talking with another friend who has played quite a bit there, I found out that he had the same issue, and had to work with their technical support because it was some technical issue on their end. I didn't receive any sort of communication telling me my chat was blocked, and I really don't remember any incidents that would have put my chat status in question. So here's where the emails start. Hang on, this may be a bumpy ride!

Hi, any reason why I can't chat on the tables? Thanks,

Morphy



Seems like a basic, straight forward question, right?


Dear XaQ Morphy,

We apologize for any inconvenience, but all account-related inquiries of this nature must be directed towards your affiliate manager. Please contact your affiliate manager for more information.

Please let us know if we may be of any further assistance.

Best Regards,

Pierre
JetSetPoker Support Team


Apparently no one remembers this problem when it happened to my friend previously. I also have no contact information at all for this so-called affiliate manager, so now what? Let's try another email:


Hi, I don't even know who my affiliate manager is, since I haven't had conversations with him for well over a year. Are you telling me that you are unable to answer a question such as this? It seemed like a pretty straight-forward question. Thanks,

Morphy



Dear XaQ Morphy,

We apologize for any inconvenience this issue may have caused you. Unfortunately, we do not have your affiliate manager's contact information.

Please let us know if we may be of any further assistance.

Best Regards,

Pierre
JetSetPoker Support Team



Ummm, ok. We seem to have gotten side tracked here. I'm not looking for my affiliate manager's contact information. I want someone to do something about my chat here. The thing is, I must have been in a lousy mood based on the tone of my email. Note that Andrew is a support person that I've worked with in the past when this whole affiliate mess started. He is a senior level support person or the support manager (I'm not sure which.) He's a stand-up guy, and I'm sure if he read the first email, he wouldn't have just brushed me off the way Pierre did. I figured screw it, who needs this site anyway, so I sent this:


Dear JetSet "support" person,

Please delete my account. If you're not willing to answer a simple question, I have no interest in playing there, and if I can't chat, I have no interest in supporting friends that play there either. Please pass a note onto Andrew notifying him of your unwillingness to help out a customer of your site.

Morphy



So I didn't hear anything for a few days. I figured things had resolved themselves. Out of curiosity, I logged in, and sure enough, my account is still there and active. I also still don't have chat capabilities. I ignore it, but then this email comes in. It's like they are just asking for me to blog them, aren't they?


Dear XaQ Morphy,

JSPAdminAndrew has asked me to follow up with you directly with regards to your chat capabilities.

In light of your valued patronage, I have contacted your affiliate manager and he has authorized the return of you chat capabilities.

However, please note that as your account is associated with an affiliate program, all future account related request will need to be processed via your affiliate manager.

Please note that your affiliate manager is the person who remits your Affiliate Fees.

Please let us know if there is anything else we can do to assist you.

Best Regards,

Toby
JetSetPoker Support Management



Wow, so Andrew did get involved, and did exactly what I thought he would...fix the problem in a few minutes, and that's that. So here I am, staring at this message, and there are 2 obvious "open issues." 1) Why did I lose my chat in the first place, and 2) What is the deal with all this affiliate manager crap? It's times like these that separate the true donkey bloggers from all of the wanna-be's. I had a tough choice to make. Which road to choose, which path to follow? As a side-bar, I will say that up until this point, I have been impressed with the customer service provided by JetSet. Andrew has shown both me and others I've conversed with that he is willing to go out of his way to make his customers happy. I'm almost sorry for not ending the email thread here. But, apologies aren't funny, and what happens next is. So here we go:


Ok, I understand that my affiliate manager is supposed to deal with these issues. However, as I stated earlier, I have no clue who this person is or how to get a hold of him. Because I haven't received any sort of affiliate fees in quite some time, and because others who signed up through him haven't as well, we assumed that he is no longer an affiliate manager with JetSet. If he is, he has been withholding fees for the last 9 months or so. Is there any way to either remove him from my account, or to delete my existing account and have me create a new one, without the restrictions of an affiliate manager that is non-existent?
Thanks,

Morphy


Basically, I'm asking them to remove my link to the affiliate account. Why? Well, if this scum-bag is still out there and collecting fees but not paying out the rakeback that is promised to me, I don't want to have anything to do with him. There's still a chance that I will play on the site in the future, and I don't want this guy scamming benefits off of me.


Dear XaQ Morphy,

Thank you once again for your prompt reply.

Our records indicate that the third party affiliate program you were a participant in is no longer active. As such we have removed you from that program and set your account to normal functionality including full chat privileges.

As a token of our appreciation for your patience during our review of this matter please accept a credit to your account in the amount of $20.00 with our compliments.

Please let us know if there is anything else we can do to assist you.

Best Regards,

Gaston
JetSetPoker Support Management


The fuck??? So we couldn't get this answer out of the first nitwit that replied to my first email? Or possibly the 2nd reply when I stated I had no clue who my affiliate person was? Game on now. I started to form my plan. Meanwhile, I had $20 on a site that I wasn't planning on depositing on. You know what that means? RAMPAGE!

Well, let's just say that a site like JetSet isn't the best site to try rampaging your money on. Players see flops. That's all they do. Preflop raises don't matter, semi-bluffs don't matter, the players don't have a clue what position or pot odds mean, so most of the tricks of the rampager are taken out. I was left with having to hit a hand and get paid off on it. Typically this works to get paid off in these types of games, but when you're completely card dead, and can't connect with a flop, you tend to bleed money. After about an hour of this, I couldn't take it anymore. I saw A3o call a 3 way allin in a $50 pot. I saw K2o call a pot bet on a flop of J73 and catch a K on the turn and 2 on the river to bust AK. I saw my low pocket pairs and trashy low suited cards see flops of AKQ, and my big cards see flops of 345. Finally I started moving in a bunch. I got called a few times and doubled up back to just over my original $20, but eventually it came to a halt when I couldn't get A7 to fold on a board of 7JQ82. Since I couldn't beat 3rd pair myself, my trip was over. Now, for my plan:


Hi, can you send me another $20? The one you just sent me was defective. Thanks!

Morphy


Dear Adam XaQ Morphy,

Thank you for responding to JetSetPoker Support again.

Unfortunately, we are unable to ascertain the exact purpose of your inquiry, specifically, what you mean by "The one you just sent me was defective."

Our records verify that $20.00 was placed into at exactly 15:27:47 EST, which you then brought onto Tucker Ave and unfortunately lost through roughly 85 minutes of competitive gameplay.

Please expand your original inquiry in more detail, or let us know if there is anything else we can do to assist you.


Best regards,

Darren
JetSetPoker Support Team


So, Darren and Mr. Clue haven't met yet. This reply got me rolling, especially when I realized I wasted 85 minutes of my life in what he calls "competitive gameplay" and what I call "a big waste of time." So I couldn't resist, and had to reply:


Hmmm, I'll have to check my records, but 85 minutes seems like an awful lot of time. I seem to remember playing for just less than an hour and a half.

As far as defective, it's easy. That $20 didn't really win any pots. I've played with $20 on many other sites, and because I was able to win with various other $20's, I have to conclude that the $20 you guys sent me was defective. Does JetSet have a 30 day refund, or exchange policy of any kind? I did enjoy taking that $20 out for a spin, and it handles the curves pretty well, but I think I'd like to look at a $20 in another color perhaps. Thanks!

Morphy


Unfortunately for my faithful readers, here is where the journey ends. Our friend Darren, realizing that there's no possible way he could reply to get himself out of this situation, chose to ignore my last email completely, and did not grace my email box, nor this post, with a reply.

So there it is. Another blog entry comes to an end. Stay tuned for the next time, where we...ummm, well, I don't have anything planned, so you'll just have to wait!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Donkey Manifesto Interviews Lee Jones

Hello fellow Manifestites! This is it, the interview you've all been waiting for (or not, since I never mentioned who was going to be interviewed here) - the man behind the scenes, the one and only Lee Jones, PokerStars Poker Room Manager! In this interview, we touch on all of the subjects you, the viewers, want to see. The doom switch? It's here. Multiple accounts? It's here. Transsexual, one-legged midget tossing? Umm, no, that's not here. But the rest is here for your reading enjoyment.

Donkey Manifesto: We can read the bio on www.pokerstars.com, but tell us, in your own words, who IS Lee Jones?

Lee Jones: Who am I? Actually, two different guys. One is a poker-site-running adrenaline junkie. The other fellow is a family person who likes sitting around and playing his Scheerhorn resophonic guitar and his Wayne Henderson dreadnought six-string guitar. It gets crowded in here sometimes.

DM: How did you first get involved with PokerStars? Did you start out as the poker room manager, or did you have to clean the tables and deliver drinks and things to get your foot in the door?

LJ: I worked for PokerStars for three months before becoming the poker room manager. It gave me a chance to study with the veterans and learn from them before I took this role. Fortunately, I only had to bus tables for a week.

DM: Aside from your final table appearances at the big Sunday tournaments, what does the job of manager of an online poker room entail? Making sure that the server button is in the on position, plugging in loose cables...?

LJ: Actually, I have nothing to do with the hardware. They said something about slapping my hands if I got near the servers. I help with policy decisions, review escalations of customer issues, make posts to various poker forums, etc. My favorite bit of the job is talking to players via email, chatting at the table, and in person.

DM: Speaking of the Sunday tournaments, do you feel the blind structure/chip stacks allow for enough play? Many people feel it gets very crap-shooty towards the middle-late stages of the tourney. Are there plans to adjust the tourney structure, or is it good as is?

LJ: Actually, we just did a minor tweak to the tournament structure to address that - the early reviews are very positive. However...

[soapbox]
The PLAYERS are largely responsible for that dice throwing that's going on, and here's why: as the bubble starts to approach, they start stalling (a topic about which I just wrote in Card Player). And when they stall, guess what happens? They get fewer hands per level. When they get fewer hands per level, the blinds go up "faster". I've actually written a computer program to analyze the stack:blind ratios in our tournaments and to track how many hands get dealt at each level. The pre-bubble stalling is clearly a major component of the stack compression that you're seeing. No structure change is going to fix it as long as that clock-eating continues.
[/soapbox]

[DM Comment: This makes sense, but I'm not sure what can be done. A majority of the players in the Sunday tourneys satellite in, so the $350 or whatever prize for just making the money is a significant amount for them. The problem is, short of lowering the time bank/time allowed per move specifically during the bubble period, what else can be done?]

DM: Keeping on the topic of the Sunday tournaments, how long does it take you to come up with those witty remarks once people bust from the final table? Do you scope out the chip leaders a few tables out and start to come up with them? Or do you have a special software program that you can plug in online names and it spits out a witty one liner?

LJ: I have the sorted of twisted mind that thinks of those silly one-liners on the fly. Every once in a while I see one at the beginning of the final table and think "THERE'S a good one." The best one I ever did? Why, thank you for asking. It wasn't even when somebody busted out. I had shown up before the final table and so the railbirds were still chattering. One of them said, "Hey Lee - what's jennicide's home phone number?" Without dropping a beat, I replied: "Jennicide's home phone number is 867-5309." Sometimes I slay me :-).

[Morphy: First song I ever did in a band (I'm a bassist, for those who care). Boy does THAT bring back memories. The big question is: of the oodles of 16 year old fan-boys railing Jennicide, how many didn't get the reference and ran to their phones ?]

DM: What's your favorite salad dressing? Do you like croutons?

LJ: I'm actually not much of a salad dressing fan. I like 'em all, but in very small doses. It keeps the fat down and enhances the flavor of the salad. Not many people know this, but I lost about 35 pounds four years ago and have kept it off since. Salad dressing is not my friend. Croutons have to be fresh to be worth it. I make mine by getting French bread, chopping it into small pieces, dusting it with olive oil, basil, and garlic, and then baking in a 300-degree oven until crunchy. The resulting croutons go on the salad still warm. Yum.

DM: Of all the features on PokerStars, what are you proud of the most? What sets PokerStars above the rest of the sites?

LJ: The three best things about PokerStars:

1. The fundamental commitment to honesty and integrity. Nothing surpasses that.
2. The customer service. When we get new people into PokerStars, we often tell them, "Work hard to find a reason to say 'yes' to the customer." It's much more fun working for a company like that.
3. The software - our software is the best in the business, and we think
*daily* about how to make it even better.

Of course, if you go back and look at that list, you realize it all comes down to the people. My colleagues, across the organization, are the nuts, pure and simple.

[DM Comment: No, the word "the" was not added in as a post-interview edit.]

DM: Many people have talked about Stars and other sites having a so-called "doom switch." Can you tell us more about this? Is it really a switch, or is it more of a button? Along those lines, do you have a special "doom phone" that rings every time a particular player logs on so that you can run and put your "doom suit" on, slide down the "doom pole" go into the "doom control room" and flip the "doom switch" on?

LJ: Unfortunately, I can't even make jokes about this. I'd like to (and we routinely make the jokes ourselves during the staff tournaments). But it's kind of like joking about bombs in airports. There are too many people that really believe it, so I can't even make a joke about it for fear of that quote appearing, implying serious context, on pocketfives or whatever.

While I'm here, can I say something about the PokerStars staff tournaments? No - there is no prize. Not a good parking place for a month. Not a free pizza or anything else. It's our only chance to play on the site and it gives us a chance to put the same bad beats that we inflect on you folks daily.

[DM Comment: You mean people on the internet might read something meant as sarcasm and take it literally? No way! It's too bad the believers of the doom switch can't have an out of body experience to see how incredibly stupid they look.]

DM: I've heard PokerStars referred to as RiverStars several times while playing on the site. Is the PokerStars building located on a river of some sort, or other body of water?

LJ: What I love is playing on other sites (because of course I can't play on PokerStars). Whenever a whacky river card comes up, some genius will always say "That could *only* happen on *THIS* site." Yes, except for all the other ones. And furthermore, we don't deal any more whacky river cards than we deal turn cards. I never see us being called "Turnstars". Can you explain *that* to me?

[Morphy: Well, it's funny you mention that. Just the other night Muk and I were discussing the phenomenon that was quickly coined "The turn of a thousand draws." :)]

DM: Online poker can be a dark and evil place. There are a lot of idiots out there, and a lot of people looking to cheat the system in order to make money. With all of the possible cheating methods out there, could you tell me a little more about how Stars is going to prevent what many feel is the biggest problem the site faces; that is, people using ugly baby pictures as their avatars?

LJ: Well, I wasn't going to discuss this in today's interview, but because you asked... we have acquired some advanced pattern recognition software from the U.S. military. We are devoting a server to running this software full-time for the recognition and removal of ugly baby pictures. In fact, I have actually had conversations with Mike O'Malley at Party Poker about sharing the names of players who put ugly avatars on our site because we assume that anybody doing that is probably cheating in other, though less serious, ways as well.

[DM Comment: Have you also considered contacting www.darwinawards.com to see if something can be done before these people are allowed to breed again?]

DM: Recently Stars announced that 100,000 people were online simultaneously. Many people have speculated that the "poker boom" has reached its peak, but based on these numbers and the ever increasing numbers in the Sunday tourneys, it doesn't appear to be peaking anytime soon. What are your thoughts on this? Do you think online poker has reached its peak? What do you see as the typical online average number of players on PokerStars, say, 2 years from now?

LJ: According to my calculations, we will have every man, woman, and child on the planet playing at PokerStars within five years. We are already starting an affiliate program on Rigel 7.

[DM Comment: Sign up with PokerStars now and receive a free 10oz vial of space dust!]

DM: For a more controversial topic, obviously you're aware of the situation with JJProdigy, and more recently, the situation with ZeeJustin. Let's take Zee for example. One of the lesser-known theories is that Zee had multiple personalities, as well as imaginary friends. From what I understand, he is considering suing Party Poker because he feels that while having separate accounts for his multiple personalities might be bordering on illegal activity, there's no way Party should have closed the accounts of his imaginary friends. He's claiming pain and suffering damages due to their poor attitudes at his tea parties. Do you have any comments on this, or are you burned out on the topic of cheating?

LJ: Actually, I just finished reading "Sybil" - a legendary book about a woman who was diagnosed with sixteen separate personalities, two of whom were male (the story is true). It occurred to me that this would give a whole new meaning to the concept of "switching gears". Eventually (through hard work and psychotherapy) her 16 personalities were integrated back together. It made her happier, but probably cost her enormous poker EV.

DM: Right now you’re in Monte Carlo for the European Poker Tour event. Tell me about some of the places you’ve been able to visit while “on the job.” Do you have any stories you would like to share?

LJ: I've been very fortunate to see some wonderful and interesting places as part of my job with PokerStars. Unfortunately, I'm often parked in a ballroom that's been turned into a poker room. So perhaps I should say that I've been in ballrooms in some of the most exotic places in the world. However, it's a honor and a privilege working with the PokerStars staff at these events and the opportunity to put on the top quality tournaments we do is well worth the sacrifice of missing the beach or the Cirque du Soleil show.


Lee, we want to thank you for your time and effort to make this interview happen. Feel free to stop by and say hi when you can, and we hope that PokerStars continues to get better in every way for the poker community. Manifestites, until next time!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy and Muk

Monday, March 06, 2006

A Donkey Manifesto on the Donkey Manifesto

Manifestite and fellow blogger Jacksnfive sends this story, courtesy of her blog. GREAT stuff!

http://jacksnfive.livejournal.com/10048.html

Morphy

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Donkey Math, Donkey Spelling, and Donkey Logic

As some of you may know, my wife and I like to play SNG’s together on various sites. People have asked us why we don’t just play against each other with real cards and real chips. Well, as the worst headsup player in the world (that’s me), I try to avoid headsup play whenever possible. For the record, we don’t cheat. In fact, she guns for me way too often, and we play a very competitive game.

Wow, I just wrote this up, and it’s 10 pages in MS Word. My apologies up front for the length, but this is too good to pass up.

Since we play low buyin SNG’s, we run into all sorts of things, tonight being no exception. Things were going along fine until about hand, well, hand 2. “LuvlyItalianGrl” calls a raise preflop with Jc9c, and proceeds to call her stack away on a board that started out J high, got worse for her going to Q high, then even worse when 3 spades hit. She lost to a flush, who was betting his hand aggressively the whole way, with her flat calling. The chat started out as typical idiot chat, but when I got her going, man, she really got going…

LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): fish
Deweypc20: not luvly
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): learn how 2 play moron
XaQ Morphy: lolol
Deweypc20: luvly girls don't talk like that
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): who the hell wastes like 1000 chips on a draw??
XaQ Morphy: you do?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): Anyonelse here?
Deweypc20: me
Deweypc20: if I got 10000 chips
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): then u suck
FunkyRed: it's a $5 SNG FFs
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im just trying to make a point that people really syck
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): some people
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): suck
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i dont care about the %4 i can care less
XaQ Morphy: I agree
XaQ Morphy: you should start a campaign to get people to play correct poker
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i have one more money in my cashier than Tito the fagot
Deweypc20: one more?
Deweypc20: that's it, just one?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): y arent you talking tito??
TiToSFC: want some cheeeese
XaQ Morphy: me one more money, lots of money, me have lots one more money
Deweypc20: lmao
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): what wrong tito am i making lots of sence??
Deweypc20: laughing with you luvly not at you lol
XaQ Morphy: sence?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): ok
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): thats fine
XaQ Morphy: I'm laughing at you
TiToSFC: its call POKER
Deweypc20: cents?
XaQ Morphy: if that matters
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): you someing you suck at
TiToSFC: if u cant deal with it u should not play
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): get a new job tito
XaQ Morphy: wow, the rail seems to be irritated tonight
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i dont care about $5
Deweypc20: if you knew the game you'd know you'll win out in the end on plays like that
Deweypc20: so get over it
FunkyRed: then leave already
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u just piss me off, i bet you think your great at it
XaQ Morphy: or stay, and make an idiot of yourself, I like that
Deweypc20: lol
Deweypc20: luvly idiot indeed
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u guys are the idiots, i was trying something new and $5 games really do have sucky people
Deweypc20: whiny ppl too
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u wont see me at a $5 game ever again
Dealer: XaQ Morphy shows a pair of Queens

Right about this time my QQ ran into AJ on a J high flop and obviously I was drawing dead. Besides, I had something much more interesting to do here. Also note that even though Dewey wasn’t involved in any of the hands, he was having just as much fun as I was egging this idiot on.

Deweypc20: good go back to play money
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): haha
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): very funny
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i have way more $4 than u
Deweypc20: i know I giggled too
XaQ Morphy (Observer): luvly, is your native language english?
Deweypc20: 4 more?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i ment$$
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i hit the four by mistake
Deweypc20: one more?
Deweypc20: won more?
FunkyRed: how old are you?? You need to go back to school
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): more money loser
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): more $$
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): get it??
FunkyRed: SPELLING.. get it?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): unfortunately, yes, I got it
XaQ Morphy (Observer): you = idiot
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): who was talking to u anywayz??
XaQ Morphy (Observer): you were talking to the entire table you nitwit
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): ur out loser
XaQ Morphy (Observer): why yes, I am
XaQ Morphy (Observer): but I bet I have one more money than you!
FunkyRed: ItalianBaby is more like it
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): but i do think you had the better hand by farrrrrr
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u should have won
XaQ Morphy (Observer): it's poker, I lost, you don't see me whining like a baby about it now, do you?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im over that, im just talking to the fagots that have only $5 in there accountLuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): poor bastards
XaQ Morphy (Observer): lol, you need some serious help, you realize this, right?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): what are you offended
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): do u only have $5?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): no, amused...stupid people amuse me
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): ???
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): $5???
XaQ Morphy (Observer): exactly
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i see im sorry your poor
XaQ Morphy (Observer): my what?
TiToSFC: this is funny as hell
XaQ Morphy (Observer): yes it is
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i pray this isnt your only job
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I pray your native language isn't english
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): hahaha you suck !#@
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): K8 haha
TiToSFC: LMAO
XaQ Morphy (Observer): says the person who loses with J9
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i had the whole hand until the stupid draw
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): honestly he sucks
XaQ Morphy (Observer): yes, you played that hand perfectly, including when you called all your chips away with the losing hand
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): jrr would you lose 1000 chips on a draw?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): jrr, would you lose 1500 chips with Jc9c on a Q high board with 3 spades?
Deweypc20: chemical inbalance is all I can think of
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i was hoping he wasnt that stupid
XaQ Morphy (Observer): and he was hoping you were
Deweypc20: unreal you're still here
Deweypc20: funny tho
XaQ Morphy (Observer): for the record, I'm only here to document this experience
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): why are you rtill here XaQ?
Deweypc20: lol you're cool
XaQ Morphy (Observer): http://donkeymanifesto.blogspot.com
XaQ Morphy (Observer): ty dewey
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): wow are you like 12??
Deweypc20: nice put me in there
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I expect to have this encounter written up sometime this evening
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): donkey??
XaQ Morphy (Observer): no, I'm 33, thanks for asking
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): haha who gos on those websites?
Deweypc20: you do shortly I bet
FunkyRed: LOL

Brilliant counter by Dewey. Well played, sir!

XaQ Morphy (Observer): who? people who enjoy watching stupid people flounder in their own filth
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u wont see me on there no matter what u say
Deweypc20: uh oh, what'd they write about me?
Deweypc20: gotta go check it out
TiToSFC: this is better than REALITY TV
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): wow thats so pathetic
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): deweysucks &$#@alot
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): kinda like that
XaQ Morphy (Observer): sorry dear, I think you have the market on pathetic all tied up
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): yea right ok
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u just suck as well
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): as tito
XaQ Morphy (Observer): says 9th place
TiToSFC: lmao
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): its only cause tito sucks
XaQ Morphy (Observer): hey luvly, are you done? I have a blog entry to write up
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): go ahead, i dont mind being on that site
XaQ Morphy (Observer): but if you wish to stay around and give us some other insights into your world, I'll be happy to stay
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): its for loser anywayz
TiToSFC: please don't go

Here I’m not sure if Tito wants me to stay, or wants LuvlyItalianDonkey to stay. What starts to happen next had me just rolling.

LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im not
FunkyRed: that's why you will be great on there
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): r u talking 2me?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i dont care what people think or say
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I believe he is, your charming personality is such that he just can't continue on without your presence
TiToSFC: that a girl
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): listen, i didnt mean to disturb anyone, i just hate draws more than anything in poker
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): even if i wasnt in the hand
XaQ Morphy (Observer): lol
XaQ Morphy (Observer): perhaps poker isn't your game?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): maybe try go fish...oh wait, there are draws there too
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i just do this for fun, i have a nice job :-)
XaQ Morphy (Observer): war?
TiToSFC: lol
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): wars fun
Jrr1x: I appreciate the entertainment while I fold out of a few hands...thx all
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): sorry if i offended anyone
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): ur welcome
TiToSFC: u didn't
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): ok
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): but i wasnt talking 2 u
XaQ Morphy (Observer): lol no offense here, you're going to be famous soon
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): just kidding
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): famous, sounds good
Deweypc20: bi
Deweypc20: polar
XaQ Morphy (Observer): not really the kind of famous I would be proud about
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): ur bi polar
Deweypc20: lol
Deweypc20: you kill lots of cows
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): where did you hear and learn about bi polar? from your doctor??
Deweypc20: nope just made it up watching you
Deweypc20: new term

Ok, so that’s crazy enough. She seems to be apologetic, and tries to justify it by saying she hates draws in poker. If that doesn’t seem crazy enough, just wait. We have a new version of “my dad can kick your dad’s ass” coming right up.

LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u guys should play against my bro, hes awesome. he'll kick all your ass's
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): he made $900 in like 2 or 3 days by $5 games
XaQ Morphy (Observer): lol @ that
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u try that
XaQ Morphy (Observer): he would have to play 24 hours straight for 2-3 days to make that much
XaQ Morphy (Observer): so gtfoh with that bull
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im serious
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i admit i cant do it, so im not lying
TiToSFC: r u really italian??
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): yes and pround of it
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): proud
XaQ Morphy (Observer): it's not even possible to win that much playing $5 SNG's in that amount of time...so if you're going to make something up, make it believable
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im serous!!
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): serious
Deweypc20: cereal
XaQ Morphy (Observer): flake?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): it was either that or $10 games but for aome reason i think $5
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): some reason
XaQ Morphy (Observer): other than the fact that it isn't possible, I'm sure you are serious
Deweypc20: lol
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u dont have to believe me, like i said i dont care what people think
XaQ Morphy (Observer): that's about the most obvious statement I've seen
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i saw the money in his cashier
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i dont no how else he's get it there
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): he doesnt have a bank account
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): he uses someone elses very rarely


So I consulted Manifestite, RGPer, and expert on the diet coke of rampages, FellKnight (http://www.fellknight.com/) to see that based on an absurd ROI (that’s return on investment) of .6 (or 60%), how many SNG’s would have to be played in order to win $900 at the $5 level.

For some quick background info for non-poker players, or those that aren’t SNG players: a SNG is a single table tournament with 9 or 10 people in them depending on site, that pay the top 3 spots. A typical winning player’s in the money rate is about 40%, and the ROI is about .2. That’s expecting 20% of a buyin back per SNG played, in the long run. SNG’s do have the least variance of any poker game, but to expect something like a 60% ROI in the long run is not possible.

Based on that, we have some real interesting donkey math covered below…

XaQ Morphy (Observer): well
XaQ Morphy (Observer): figure an absurdly impossible win rate, and it would take 300 SNG's to win enough to make $900
XaQ Morphy (Observer): figure 1 hour per SNG, that's 300 hours
XaQ Morphy (Observer): there's 48 hours in 2 days, 72 hours in 3 days
XaQ Morphy (Observer): since you hate draws, I imagine you aren't very good at math, so I'll explain it to you, it isn't possible
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): well
XaQ Morphy (Observer): let the recant begin!

Note that there was a good 2 minute pause here. I thought she gave up, but no, the real good stuff begins here!

LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): its possible but very hard
XaQ Morphy (Observer): lolololol
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): extremely hard
XaQ Morphy (Observer): have you invented some sort of time machine?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): maybe it was the $10 games
XaQ Morphy (Observer): ummm
XaQ Morphy (Observer): you really aren't good at math, are you?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i dont know, hes not here right now
XaQ Morphy (Observer): did he count all the grains of sand on a beach one afternoon, too?
Deweypc20: then drank 400 beers in one evening
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): its possible with the $10 games
XaQ Morphy (Observer): hahahahahaahha
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): if your so good at math,. you should no
XaQ Morphy (Observer): well let's see
Deweypc20: wow
XaQ Morphy (Observer): assuming the same win rate, that's 150 SNG's
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): it is possible with the $10 games
XaQ Morphy (Observer): and there's still only 72 hours in 3 days
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): 72 x 45???
XaQ Morphy (Observer): ummm
XaQ Morphy (Observer): wtf is that?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): 45 dollars
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): 1st and what ever 2nd is
XaQ Morphy (Observer): so you're saying he can win 72 SNG's in a row?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): not in a row, 1st and 2nd and 3rd
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): he really is good
Deweypc20: don't forget money put in
XaQ Morphy (Observer): what in the world are you talking about?
Deweypc20: only profit of 35
XaQ Morphy (Observer): $34
XaQ Morphy (Observer): cause it's $10 + $1
Deweypc20: lol right
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): well 72 X 45 is 3240
XaQ Morphy (Observer): and the best SNG players in the world can't maintain a cash rate of 50%, much less 100%
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): there is enough
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): for buy in
XaQ Morphy (Observer): ok wait
XaQ Morphy (Observer): so you're saying that your brother cashed in 72 SNG's in a row?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): it doesnt have to be in a row
XaQ Morphy (Observer): it does if he does it in 3 days!
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): there over $3000 in 72 hours
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): for the $10 games
XaQ Morphy (Observer): my god, you are just all out stupid, aren't you?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): why dont u get it??
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): ur the stupid 1
XaQ Morphy (Observer): lololololol
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): its possible i just did the math 4 u
XaQ Morphy (Observer): lol yes, you are right
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): just cause you suck doesnt mean u have to doubt everyone

So here I am pasting some of this to Fell, and we’re having a good laugh at it. All I’m really interested in at this point is to keep her typing.

XaQ Morphy (Observer): can you go over the math for me again, I want to make sure my readers get it
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im not saying im the greatest but u kinda do suck
XaQ Morphy (Observer): let's get back to the math here
XaQ Morphy (Observer): can you go over it again for me, please?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): y do i need to go over the math again?LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im right, its still there
Deweypc20: lol
Deweypc20: to make you famous
XaQ Morphy (Observer): well, because for one, you were completely wrong, and for another, I'd like to try and see the reasoning again
XaQ Morphy (Observer): well that too
Deweypc20: hehe
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): whats 72 X say $35?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): $2520
XaQ Morphy (Observer): ok, right
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): there way enough for $900

Ummm, ok I think I follow the “logic” here. Based on previous talks, she’s saying that since there are 72 hours in 3 days, a SNG takes 1 hour to complete, and 72 x $35 = $2520 ($34 is the profit for taking 1st place in a $10 SNG), there’s plenty of money left over for the ones that he doesn’t win to make $900. I don’t have to point out that it’s not humanly possible to play 72 hours straight, do I?

One thing that the nits will bring up is that if the guy played multiple tables, he could possibly reach this goal. Don’t go there guys. Go out and get laid or download some porn or something. Thanks, appreciate it.

LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): actually u can make more
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): with all the left over money
XaQ Morphy (Observer): so how does that make it that he won $900 in 3 days?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): but you gotta be a pro for that
XaQ Morphy (Observer): LOL
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): r u slow?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): no, this is hilarious, that's all
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i explained it so many times
XaQ Morphy (Observer): you don't know the first thing about win rates, yet you think I'm the stupid one
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u are
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im saying he placed most of the time
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): its not that hard
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): if you really good
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): good
XaQ Morphy (Observer): holy %&!@ chicky-poo, you might have made it to the donkey hall of fame on your first entry!
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): they also get to see how stupid u r
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): cant do math

LOL, so I’m the one that can’t do math. I love it. Now I admit that I’m not the greatest at math, but I’m good enough to know that you don’t take 72 x 35 and all of a sudden have the theory of relativity staring you in the face!

XaQ Morphy (Observer): ok, so math expert, tell me something
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): what?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): assuming a pro is playing a bunch of amateurs in $10 SNG's, over 100, how many of them would the pro win?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): if you really good you can cash in like 50 of them
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): but if you win 20-25
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im talking 1st
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): for the 20-25
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): $45 X 25 wins = #1125
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): $
XaQ Morphy (Observer): wow
XaQ Morphy (Observer): you're good at math
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): what did you come up with?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i was going on 100 wins
XaQ Morphy (Observer): well, figure the typical in the money rate is 40%, with the breakout being 14% for 1sts, 13% for 2nds and 13% for 3rds, a hell of a lot less than $1125!
XaQ Morphy (Observer): besides, if someone plays 100 and wins 25 of them what happens to the money when they don't win?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): if they place, they still made money
XaQ Morphy (Observer): so you're saying they will place in all 100 of the ones they played?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): listen like i said you dont have to believe me, i saw the cashier i know its true
XaQ Morphy (Observer): was she pretty?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): the cashier, that is
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): and there was no past transactions
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): it does work, if your really good, and i am talking really good, hes been playing for years
XaQ Morphy (Observer): well, I can't beat that
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i'll be right back

XaQ Morphy (Observer): I won't
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I have writing to do

So there we have it. He’s been playing for years, and is really good, so obviously he can win everything he plays. How can I argue with that logic??? Shout out to Dewey and Tito, and my apologies to the rest of the table for what they had to endure, but man, once I got going with that, how could I possibly stop?

Yours donkily,

Morphy