Donkey Math, Donkey Spelling, and Donkey Logic

As some of you may know, my wife and I like to play SNG’s together on various sites. People have asked us why we don’t just play against each other with real cards and real chips. Well, as the worst headsup player in the world (that’s me), I try to avoid headsup play whenever possible. For the record, we don’t cheat. In fact, she guns for me way too often, and we play a very competitive game.

Wow, I just wrote this up, and it’s 10 pages in MS Word. My apologies up front for the length, but this is too good to pass up.

Since we play low buyin SNG’s, we run into all sorts of things, tonight being no exception. Things were going along fine until about hand, well, hand 2. “LuvlyItalianGrl” calls a raise preflop with Jc9c, and proceeds to call her stack away on a board that started out J high, got worse for her going to Q high, then even worse when 3 spades hit. She lost to a flush, who was betting his hand aggressively the whole way, with her flat calling. The chat started out as typical idiot chat, but when I got her going, man, she really got going…

LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): fish
Deweypc20: not luvly
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): learn how 2 play moron
XaQ Morphy: lolol
Deweypc20: luvly girls don't talk like that
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): who the hell wastes like 1000 chips on a draw??
XaQ Morphy: you do?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): Anyonelse here?
Deweypc20: me
Deweypc20: if I got 10000 chips
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): then u suck
FunkyRed: it's a $5 SNG FFs
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im just trying to make a point that people really syck
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): some people
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): suck
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i dont care about the %4 i can care less
XaQ Morphy: I agree
XaQ Morphy: you should start a campaign to get people to play correct poker
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i have one more money in my cashier than Tito the fagot
Deweypc20: one more?
Deweypc20: that's it, just one?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): y arent you talking tito??
TiToSFC: want some cheeeese
XaQ Morphy: me one more money, lots of money, me have lots one more money
Deweypc20: lmao
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): what wrong tito am i making lots of sence??
Deweypc20: laughing with you luvly not at you lol
XaQ Morphy: sence?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): ok
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): thats fine
XaQ Morphy: I'm laughing at you
TiToSFC: its call POKER
Deweypc20: cents?
XaQ Morphy: if that matters
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): you someing you suck at
TiToSFC: if u cant deal with it u should not play
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): get a new job tito
XaQ Morphy: wow, the rail seems to be irritated tonight
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i dont care about $5
Deweypc20: if you knew the game you'd know you'll win out in the end on plays like that
Deweypc20: so get over it
FunkyRed: then leave already
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u just piss me off, i bet you think your great at it
XaQ Morphy: or stay, and make an idiot of yourself, I like that
Deweypc20: lol
Deweypc20: luvly idiot indeed
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u guys are the idiots, i was trying something new and $5 games really do have sucky people
Deweypc20: whiny ppl too
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u wont see me at a $5 game ever again
Dealer: XaQ Morphy shows a pair of Queens

Right about this time my QQ ran into AJ on a J high flop and obviously I was drawing dead. Besides, I had something much more interesting to do here. Also note that even though Dewey wasn’t involved in any of the hands, he was having just as much fun as I was egging this idiot on.

Deweypc20: good go back to play money
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): haha
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): very funny
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i have way more $4 than u
Deweypc20: i know I giggled too
XaQ Morphy (Observer): luvly, is your native language english?
Deweypc20: 4 more?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i ment$$
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i hit the four by mistake
Deweypc20: one more?
Deweypc20: won more?
FunkyRed: how old are you?? You need to go back to school
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): more money loser
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): more $$
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): get it??
FunkyRed: SPELLING.. get it?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): unfortunately, yes, I got it
XaQ Morphy (Observer): you = idiot
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): who was talking to u anywayz??
XaQ Morphy (Observer): you were talking to the entire table you nitwit
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): ur out loser
XaQ Morphy (Observer): why yes, I am
XaQ Morphy (Observer): but I bet I have one more money than you!
FunkyRed: ItalianBaby is more like it
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): but i do think you had the better hand by farrrrrr
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u should have won
XaQ Morphy (Observer): it's poker, I lost, you don't see me whining like a baby about it now, do you?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im over that, im just talking to the fagots that have only $5 in there accountLuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): poor bastards
XaQ Morphy (Observer): lol, you need some serious help, you realize this, right?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): what are you offended
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): do u only have $5?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): no, amused...stupid people amuse me
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): ???
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): $5???
XaQ Morphy (Observer): exactly
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i see im sorry your poor
XaQ Morphy (Observer): my what?
TiToSFC: this is funny as hell
XaQ Morphy (Observer): yes it is
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i pray this isnt your only job
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I pray your native language isn't english
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): hahaha you suck !#@
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): K8 haha
TiToSFC: LMAO
XaQ Morphy (Observer): says the person who loses with J9
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i had the whole hand until the stupid draw
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): honestly he sucks
XaQ Morphy (Observer): yes, you played that hand perfectly, including when you called all your chips away with the losing hand
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): jrr would you lose 1000 chips on a draw?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): jrr, would you lose 1500 chips with Jc9c on a Q high board with 3 spades?
Deweypc20: chemical inbalance is all I can think of
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i was hoping he wasnt that stupid
XaQ Morphy (Observer): and he was hoping you were
Deweypc20: unreal you're still here
Deweypc20: funny tho
XaQ Morphy (Observer): for the record, I'm only here to document this experience
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): why are you rtill here XaQ?
Deweypc20: lol you're cool
XaQ Morphy (Observer): http://donkeymanifesto.blogspot.com
XaQ Morphy (Observer): ty dewey
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): wow are you like 12??
Deweypc20: nice put me in there
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I expect to have this encounter written up sometime this evening
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): donkey??
XaQ Morphy (Observer): no, I'm 33, thanks for asking
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): haha who gos on those websites?
Deweypc20: you do shortly I bet
FunkyRed: LOL

Brilliant counter by Dewey. Well played, sir!

XaQ Morphy (Observer): who? people who enjoy watching stupid people flounder in their own filth
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u wont see me on there no matter what u say
Deweypc20: uh oh, what'd they write about me?
Deweypc20: gotta go check it out
TiToSFC: this is better than REALITY TV
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): wow thats so pathetic
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): deweysucks &$#@alot
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): kinda like that
XaQ Morphy (Observer): sorry dear, I think you have the market on pathetic all tied up
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): yea right ok
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u just suck as well
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): as tito
XaQ Morphy (Observer): says 9th place
TiToSFC: lmao
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): its only cause tito sucks
XaQ Morphy (Observer): hey luvly, are you done? I have a blog entry to write up
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): go ahead, i dont mind being on that site
XaQ Morphy (Observer): but if you wish to stay around and give us some other insights into your world, I'll be happy to stay
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): its for loser anywayz
TiToSFC: please don't go

Here I’m not sure if Tito wants me to stay, or wants LuvlyItalianDonkey to stay. What starts to happen next had me just rolling.

LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im not
FunkyRed: that's why you will be great on there
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): r u talking 2me?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i dont care what people think or say
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I believe he is, your charming personality is such that he just can't continue on without your presence
TiToSFC: that a girl
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): listen, i didnt mean to disturb anyone, i just hate draws more than anything in poker
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): even if i wasnt in the hand
XaQ Morphy (Observer): lol
XaQ Morphy (Observer): perhaps poker isn't your game?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): maybe try go fish...oh wait, there are draws there too
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i just do this for fun, i have a nice job :-)
XaQ Morphy (Observer): war?
TiToSFC: lol
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): wars fun
Jrr1x: I appreciate the entertainment while I fold out of a few hands...thx all
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): sorry if i offended anyone
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): ur welcome
TiToSFC: u didn't
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): ok
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): but i wasnt talking 2 u
XaQ Morphy (Observer): lol no offense here, you're going to be famous soon
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): just kidding
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): famous, sounds good
Deweypc20: bi
Deweypc20: polar
XaQ Morphy (Observer): not really the kind of famous I would be proud about
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): ur bi polar
Deweypc20: lol
Deweypc20: you kill lots of cows
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): where did you hear and learn about bi polar? from your doctor??
Deweypc20: nope just made it up watching you
Deweypc20: new term

Ok, so that’s crazy enough. She seems to be apologetic, and tries to justify it by saying she hates draws in poker. If that doesn’t seem crazy enough, just wait. We have a new version of “my dad can kick your dad’s ass” coming right up.

LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u guys should play against my bro, hes awesome. he'll kick all your ass's
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): he made $900 in like 2 or 3 days by $5 games
XaQ Morphy (Observer): lol @ that
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u try that
XaQ Morphy (Observer): he would have to play 24 hours straight for 2-3 days to make that much
XaQ Morphy (Observer): so gtfoh with that bull
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im serious
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i admit i cant do it, so im not lying
TiToSFC: r u really italian??
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): yes and pround of it
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): proud
XaQ Morphy (Observer): it's not even possible to win that much playing $5 SNG's in that amount of time...so if you're going to make something up, make it believable
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im serous!!
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): serious
Deweypc20: cereal
XaQ Morphy (Observer): flake?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): it was either that or $10 games but for aome reason i think $5
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): some reason
XaQ Morphy (Observer): other than the fact that it isn't possible, I'm sure you are serious
Deweypc20: lol
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u dont have to believe me, like i said i dont care what people think
XaQ Morphy (Observer): that's about the most obvious statement I've seen
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i saw the money in his cashier
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i dont no how else he's get it there
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): he doesnt have a bank account
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): he uses someone elses very rarely

So I consulted Manifestite, RGPer, and expert on the diet coke of rampages, FellKnight (http://www.fellknight.com/) to see that based on an absurd ROI (that’s return on investment) of .6 (or 60%), how many SNG’s would have to be played in order to win $900 at the $5 level.

For some quick background info for non-poker players, or those that aren’t SNG players: a SNG is a single table tournament with 9 or 10 people in them depending on site, that pay the top 3 spots. A typical winning player’s in the money rate is about 40%, and the ROI is about .2. That’s expecting 20% of a buyin back per SNG played, in the long run. SNG’s do have the least variance of any poker game, but to expect something like a 60% ROI in the long run is not possible.

Based on that, we have some real interesting donkey math covered below…

XaQ Morphy (Observer): well
XaQ Morphy (Observer): figure an absurdly impossible win rate, and it would take 300 SNG's to win enough to make $900
XaQ Morphy (Observer): figure 1 hour per SNG, that's 300 hours
XaQ Morphy (Observer): there's 48 hours in 2 days, 72 hours in 3 days
XaQ Morphy (Observer): since you hate draws, I imagine you aren't very good at math, so I'll explain it to you, it isn't possible
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): well
XaQ Morphy (Observer): let the recant begin!

Note that there was a good 2 minute pause here. I thought she gave up, but no, the real good stuff begins here!

LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): its possible but very hard
XaQ Morphy (Observer): lolololol
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): extremely hard
XaQ Morphy (Observer): have you invented some sort of time machine?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): maybe it was the $10 games
XaQ Morphy (Observer): ummm
XaQ Morphy (Observer): you really aren't good at math, are you?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i dont know, hes not here right now
XaQ Morphy (Observer): did he count all the grains of sand on a beach one afternoon, too?
Deweypc20: then drank 400 beers in one evening
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): its possible with the $10 games
XaQ Morphy (Observer): hahahahahaahha
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): if your so good at math,. you should no
XaQ Morphy (Observer): well let's see
Deweypc20: wow
XaQ Morphy (Observer): assuming the same win rate, that's 150 SNG's
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): it is possible with the $10 games
XaQ Morphy (Observer): and there's still only 72 hours in 3 days
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): 72 x 45???
XaQ Morphy (Observer): ummm
XaQ Morphy (Observer): wtf is that?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): 45 dollars
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): 1st and what ever 2nd is
XaQ Morphy (Observer): so you're saying he can win 72 SNG's in a row?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): not in a row, 1st and 2nd and 3rd
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): he really is good
Deweypc20: don't forget money put in
XaQ Morphy (Observer): what in the world are you talking about?
Deweypc20: only profit of 35
XaQ Morphy (Observer): $34
XaQ Morphy (Observer): cause it's $10 + $1
Deweypc20: lol right
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): well 72 X 45 is 3240
XaQ Morphy (Observer): and the best SNG players in the world can't maintain a cash rate of 50%, much less 100%
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): there is enough
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): for buy in
XaQ Morphy (Observer): ok wait
XaQ Morphy (Observer): so you're saying that your brother cashed in 72 SNG's in a row?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): it doesnt have to be in a row
XaQ Morphy (Observer): it does if he does it in 3 days!
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): there over $3000 in 72 hours
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): for the $10 games
XaQ Morphy (Observer): my god, you are just all out stupid, aren't you?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): why dont u get it??
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): ur the stupid 1
XaQ Morphy (Observer): lololololol
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): its possible i just did the math 4 u
XaQ Morphy (Observer): lol yes, you are right
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): just cause you suck doesnt mean u have to doubt everyone

So here I am pasting some of this to Fell, and we’re having a good laugh at it. All I’m really interested in at this point is to keep her typing.

XaQ Morphy (Observer): can you go over the math for me again, I want to make sure my readers get it
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im not saying im the greatest but u kinda do suck
XaQ Morphy (Observer): let's get back to the math here
XaQ Morphy (Observer): can you go over it again for me, please?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): y do i need to go over the math again?LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im right, its still there
Deweypc20: lol
Deweypc20: to make you famous
XaQ Morphy (Observer): well, because for one, you were completely wrong, and for another, I'd like to try and see the reasoning again
XaQ Morphy (Observer): well that too
Deweypc20: hehe
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): whats 72 X say $35?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): $2520
XaQ Morphy (Observer): ok, right
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): there way enough for $900

Ummm, ok I think I follow the “logic” here. Based on previous talks, she’s saying that since there are 72 hours in 3 days, a SNG takes 1 hour to complete, and 72 x $35 = $2520 ($34 is the profit for taking 1st place in a $10 SNG), there’s plenty of money left over for the ones that he doesn’t win to make $900. I don’t have to point out that it’s not humanly possible to play 72 hours straight, do I?

One thing that the nits will bring up is that if the guy played multiple tables, he could possibly reach this goal. Don’t go there guys. Go out and get laid or download some porn or something. Thanks, appreciate it.

LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): actually u can make more
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): with all the left over money
XaQ Morphy (Observer): so how does that make it that he won $900 in 3 days?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): but you gotta be a pro for that
XaQ Morphy (Observer): LOL
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): r u slow?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): no, this is hilarious, that's all
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i explained it so many times
XaQ Morphy (Observer): you don't know the first thing about win rates, yet you think I'm the stupid one
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u are
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im saying he placed most of the time
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): its not that hard
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): if you really good
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): good
XaQ Morphy (Observer): holy %&!@ chicky-poo, you might have made it to the donkey hall of fame on your first entry!
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): they also get to see how stupid u r
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): cant do math

LOL, so I’m the one that can’t do math. I love it. Now I admit that I’m not the greatest at math, but I’m good enough to know that you don’t take 72 x 35 and all of a sudden have the theory of relativity staring you in the face!

XaQ Morphy (Observer): ok, so math expert, tell me something
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): what?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): assuming a pro is playing a bunch of amateurs in $10 SNG's, over 100, how many of them would the pro win?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): if you really good you can cash in like 50 of them
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): but if you win 20-25
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im talking 1st
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): for the 20-25
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): $45 X 25 wins = #1125
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): $
XaQ Morphy (Observer): wow
XaQ Morphy (Observer): you're good at math
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): what did you come up with?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i was going on 100 wins
XaQ Morphy (Observer): well, figure the typical in the money rate is 40%, with the breakout being 14% for 1sts, 13% for 2nds and 13% for 3rds, a hell of a lot less than $1125!
XaQ Morphy (Observer): besides, if someone plays 100 and wins 25 of them what happens to the money when they don't win?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): if they place, they still made money
XaQ Morphy (Observer): so you're saying they will place in all 100 of the ones they played?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): listen like i said you dont have to believe me, i saw the cashier i know its true
XaQ Morphy (Observer): was she pretty?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): the cashier, that is
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): and there was no past transactions
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): it does work, if your really good, and i am talking really good, hes been playing for years
XaQ Morphy (Observer): well, I can't beat that
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i'll be right back
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I won't
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I have writing to do

So there we have it. He’s been playing for years, and is really good, so obviously he can win everything he plays. How can I argue with that logic??? Shout out to Dewey and Tito, and my apologies to the rest of the table for what they had to endure, but man, once I got going with that, how could I possibly stop?

Yours donkily,

Morphy