Donkey Manifesto Presents - The List

Hello Manifestites! This is it, the moment you've all been waiting for. The Donkey Manifesto proudly presents, The List. Some of you have heard about The List, some of you have seen quotes from The List, and some of you are even on The List.

What is the list? Well, as this famous blogger once said:

XaQ Morphy: it's a, ummm, work in progress.

Starting last year around neck surgery time, a group of us started creating IM chat rooms. These rooms usually had a few core members, and we expanded and invited several others. Most of the times we sat chatting about whatever was on our minds, what was on TV, etc. Sometimes we would rail someone playing a tournament, and a lot of times we would each be playing something separately and use the chat room to whine about bad beats and make fun of people. The List started with a famous quote from Muk that you'll soon see, and after that, anything that I felt was amusing, I'd paste into a document and save for later. Some of the quotes have meaning, some don't. Some were obviously percoset induced, others weren't.

The List has manifested itself into a living, breathing being. It is beyond control, and has demanded I release part of it to the blog. So what am I to do? Surely I can't refuse a beast such as this? I'm not really sure how I'm going to go about doing this yet, but I do know that there will be more than one entry. A note to those nits out there...I don't care if you don't find this funny. I find it funny and that's all that matters. For some of the quotes I will try and set up what the base story was behind it, for others, I won't. So let's start with the quote that started it all...

Mukwrm715: i am tearing through my stars money like the site is closing down in 10 minutes

Too bad Muk wasn't around for the closing of JetSet. Others had lofty goals but apparently never reached them:

[22:32] joe man dead: i got 15 in ub
[22:32] joe man dead: cents
[22:32] joe man dead: got to make 1.10
[22:32] joe man dead: from.15 going to do it
[22:34] joe man dead: got nothin now
[22:35] Mukwrm715: a long hard fought battle

and:

[23:42] Eskabor: what a fucking faggot
[23:42] Eskabor: fuck fuck fuck
[23:42] Eskabor: my parents are gonna killl me
[23:42] thenutlow: how much yu got now
[23:42] Eskabor: 3.50

FellKnight has said many times that I have a strange mind for finding patterns in words. I don't think of it, I just see things. Very strange. The neat thing about the list is I can invent conversations that never happened. Or did they?

Mister Teeny: I AM THE REAL DEAL
GambleAB: I WAS ON TV!
GambleAB: I DEMAND RESPECT!
Mister Teeny: DONT CALL ME NO NIT
GambleAB: I DRIVE A FORD FOCUS!
Mister Teeny: HIT THE RAIL DONK
Mister Teeny: CLOSE THE DOOR ON THE WAY OUT
GambleAB: blblblblblbllblblblblbllblblblblblbl

Speaking of GambleAB, before he got rich and famous, we used to rail a few of his tourneys. Watching him blow up at his opponents is a site to seen, which is talked about here:

XaQ Morphy: someone asked me why I like to watch gambleab play
XaQ Morphy: I said it was like a guy swinging a chainsaw around in a public place. You want to get close enough to see it just in case he cuts his own head off, but you want to stay far enough away in case he goes into the crowd

Mukwrm715: i am debating on whether it would be cool or crappy to watch someone hack off their own head

Also on the subject of famous online players, Mister Teeny lands at gank's table one day:

Mister Teeny: if gank was old enough, I wish he was my father
Mister Teeny: gank lives for his railtards

The List also helps us see how people progress over time. Or regressed, however the case may be:

9/16/05 - Mister Teeny [observer]: YOU ARE THE WORST PLAYER I HAVE EVER SEEN
12/17/06 - Mister Teeny [observer]: WAS THE WIRST PLAY I EVER SORE

Typos are fun. As are comments made after cleaning keyboards, and apple martini influenced "no, I really do have a new keyboard" comments:

Mister Teeny: saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasaaaadssaqwqyttttttttttttttttttjhhhhhhhh/......../ul
Mister Teeny: sry.. meant ul

Mukwrm715: iganr/ionai9rbnmwrab9nm'ba rgawjrironmv bkclxn;

thenutlow: what toiuyrby?

RonDworkin: et s wf****eoua
RonDworkin: a
RonDworkin: yes

misst74: uif toiuy \\\misst74: Wjhere tjhe fiuck are you plai8ying?
misst74: IM SO FUCKING SMARKT
misst74: sSHUT UP

Add the two previous ideas together, and it almost looks like they are trying to communicate:

misst74: giw tge
gastonne [observer]: se eho ksanadei...eisai magas!
misst74: uf sineibe

And of course, the mother of all typos. Previously the leader was Muk's typo of furniture that came out as "furtinate." But this one takes the cake. TNL and I were watching someone else play, and saw 2 idiots get all-in with ridiculous hands. When one of them lost, TNL went to comment on the "bad beat" but seems to have missed a few words. The result?

thenutlow: suck a sick bear

So there we have it. The List. The quotes above make up about 10% of what I have, and I'm constantly adding to it. I'll take IM chat, table chat, emails, RGP posts, etc. and add them in. I don't go for live quotes because I can't copy and paste them, and well, typing is hard. I plan on having a few different series of these entries containing quotes from The List. Next up is poker talk/strategy. After that will be the animal related quotes, which as far as I'm concerned contains the best material, although it's a toss-up between that and the sexual innuendo quotes. Until next time, I'll leave you with a reflective quote from Muk:

Mukwrm715: so adam ft's in a game he claims no knowledge of, james wins a tournament, and i get beat by a 3 outer
Mukwrm715: looks like things are back to normal

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Dnky Mnfsto n th Wld

Greetings Manifestites! Lately nothing has been going on. Days go by, no interesting driving stories, nothing all that interesting at work, and things are just going by day by day. That doesn't mean anything is wrong, it just makes for not much going on with the blog. I do have a few posts in the works, but until they come to fruition, I haven't run into any situations worthy of writing about. Until tonight.

The situation is a cash game on a major poker site. About 5 hands in I see a free flop with A5h, flop the nut flush and a gutshot nut straight draw, and get people who apparently learned how to bet on Sesame Street. They gave me over 5:1 odds on the turn, I hit the flush on the river, and this one chick goes off on me. The chat after that just got bizarre. I'll leave it relatively unedited, but I'll take out non-relevant chat entries and Dealer messages. It's up to you to figure out who I am.

koolaid1: damn flush
Hi Friend: nice cards on river
Hi Friend: congrats
koolaid1: horrible
DOKTER DONKEY: there was only one card on the river
Hi Friend: yeah..the one u neede
Hi Friend: to mak ur flush..congrats
Hi Friend: least say ty
DOKTER DONKEY: actually there were 12 that would have given me the best hand
Hi Friend: true
Hi Friend: appropriately named
Hi Friend: but.....
DOKTER DONKEY: tilty a little?
Hi Friend: i used to play lik that too
DOKTER DONKEY: lol
Hi Friend: sometimes it pays off
DOKTER DONKEY: play like what?
Hi Friend: draw alot for cards
DOKTER DONKEY: nothing wrong with drawing
Hi Friend: nah...we luv it
DOKTER DONKEY: is that why you gave me the perfect odds to call?
Hi Friend: nuthin wd get u off ur draw
DOKTER DONKEY: certainly not the odds you gave me
Hi Friend: hey..dont tak it the wrg way
DOKTER DONKEY: I'm not
Hi Friend: this is pokr
DOKTER DONKEY: www.vowels.com
Hi Friend: i lik to gamble too
DOKTER DONKEY: yes, we all saw your call with AJ and no hand no draw
DOKTER DONKEY: just ask drew
drew_1790: haha
DOKTER DONKEY: well, QQ is better than that AJ mess

I don't remember the exact hand, but this idiot held AJ on a board of QQxx, no hand, no draw, and called down bets from the pre-flop raiser. She appropriately put him on AK, because when the J hit the river she took the pot.

DOKTER DONKEY: but hey
DOKTER DONKEY: I wasn't the one that started attacking others
DOKTER DONKEY: that was tilty over here
Hi Friend: huh?
DOKTER DONKEY: exactly
Hi Friend: u r easily intimidated friend
DOKTER DONKEY: nah
Hi Friend: i was bein nice i said congrats
DOKTER DONKEY: very doubtful
DOKTER DONKEY: Hi Friend: appropriately named
DOKTER DONKEY: remember that?
Hi Friend: i think u may hav been pikd on in school sumtine..
DOKTER DONKEY: holy crap what language is that?
Hi Friend: im not that mean bully friend

Hi Friend: consider me a friend
DOKTER DONKEY: hi friend
DOKTER DONKEY: hah, get it
Hi Friend: not good at short tables either
DOKTER DONKEY: I hate full tables
Hi Friend: i donk off alota money here at the beginner levels
DOKTER DONKEY: and the levels you normally play are?
Hi Friend: 25 cent
DOKTER DONKEY: lol
leosii: lol

So at this point she sits out and leaves. I was a bit disappointed because she was playing like a complete moron, but oh well, not much I can do about it. But wait...about 2 minutes later she sits down on the other side of me.

Hi Friend: hi fellows
DOKTER DONKEY: neat trick
Hi Friend: ohhhh...he friend
Hi Friend: its u again
DOKTER DONKEY: actually still, I didn't go anywhere
Hi Friend: oh my gosh
DOKTER DONKEY: do you have problems finding your way around the house at night?
Hi Friend: i live in a trailer
Hi Friend: st8 shot
DOKTER DONKEY: believe it or not, that's no surprise to me
Hi Friend: 12 foot wide
Hi Friend: i bel u..
Hi Friend: r u always mean and rude to players
Hi Friend: or is it jus me?
DOKTER DONKEY: yeah pretty much
Hi Friend: oh
Hi Friend: well thats maks me feel btr then

Ok so things get real weird now. I run into a lot of idiots in the field, as we call it in the business, and by the business I do mean the industry. But I don't think I've run into something quite like this before...

Hi Friend: r u where u wish to be professinally speakin?
Hi Friend: lik ur job n stuff
Hi Friend: or r u always lookd over when someone else is promoted
DOKTER DONKEY: just got promoted, thanks
DOKTER DONKEY: hopefully you don't work where written communication skills are important?
DOKTER DONKEY: because no offense, but my 6 year old has better communication skills than you do
Hi Friend: jus chatin friend
DOKTER DONKEY: is that slang?
Hi Friend: do u lok for other that hav mistakes?
leosii: yes
DOKTER DONKEY: sometimes I do
leosii: lik txt in u
DOKTER DONKEY: but in your case, I don't have very far to look
Hi Friend: ahhh.u wrk for the govt?
DOKTER DONKEY: no
Hi Friend: govt job...ahhhh
Hi Friend: accounting
DOKTER DONKEY: nope
Hi Friend: lol
leosii: Doc Al how u been?
Hi Friend: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: I'm sorry, I'm a little rusty on nitwit speak, could someone translate that to english for me?
leosii: T2V
Hi Friend: thats mean jus hav fun..
Hi Friend: be nice
Hi Friend: n hav a smile w me
DOKTER DONKEY: no seriously, I have no idea wtf you mean
leosii: nr 4 u
leosii: undersnd
leosii: no
DOKTER DONKEY: ahhhhhhh, I'm being double teamed

So WTF, now this idiot starts in! I couldn't figure out what she was saying, but now I have 2 of them 2 contend with?!?!

Hi Friend: hes a concrete kinda guy
Hi Friend: if he smile he wud get a headache
DOKTER DONKEY: no, reading this is giving me a headache
leosii: u b ok in a bit
Hi Friend: no comma after no
Hi Friend: close enuf 4 govt wrk tho
DOKTER DONKEY: ok, tell me the truth
DOKTER DONKEY: you got a hold of your mom's credit card and are playing online poker, right?
leosii: ur not da acct doc i am
DOKTER DONKEY: I don't even know what that means
Hi Friend: u r confused right?
leosii: 4 sur doc is
Hi Friend: lol
DOKTER DONKEY: yes, mildly confused
DOKTER DONKEY: I don't speak dimwit
DOKTER DONKEY: so I'm having problems translating
leosii: its calld abrvatin
Hi Friend: that doesnt surprize me
DOKTER DONKEY: it's called what?
leosii: ferris, beuller, class, anybody?
Hi Friend: he only understands debits n credits
DOKTER DONKEY: what in the world are you talking about?
leosii: know, (hahah) dats me'
DOKTER DONKEY: I need some aspirin
leosii: no doc al, u need t2v meet in LV!
DOKTER DONKEY: yeah sorry I don't speak moron, so you're gonna have to either start making sense, or get someone to translate
Hi Friend: jus kiddin i hpe i really didnt mak u upset donkey...
DOKTER DONKEY: I'm not upset
DOKTER DONKEY: never was
Hi Friend: k
Hi Friend: that means ok
DOKTER DONKEY: yes, thanks
leosii: tks 4 clfyin 4 him

At this point I couldn't take it anymore, so I unchecked auto-post blind, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just owned by 2 drooling, incompetent idiots, but by then I was really starting to fear for my sanity, since I could feel the brain matter oozing out of my ears.

Until next time kids, have fun!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy