As I've said before, I would really rather not turn the blog into a poker blog. Instead, I'd like to keep it a general donkey topics blog. Well, I've also made a semi-conscious effort not to just troll the news sites and write up goofy stories. Every once and a while I'll find something that is amusing, so I'll post it. However, that doesn't stop anyone else out there from sending something in. If you are interested in helping contribute to the blog, send me a link, or a story, or make something up, and I'll post it giving you credit for it. Just email me at xaqmorphy@gmail.com.
Now that I have that out of the way, I couldn't pass this one up. The link to the entire article is here:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2005-10-29-elfbeer_x.htm
The general story-line is that state officials in Connecticut are trying to ban a particular brand of beer (strangely enough, called "Seriously Bad Elf") because they are afraid that the label might appeal to children.
I'm not sure exactly how to comment on this one. Is our society that screwed up that we have to put effort and tax dollars into preventing a label with an elf firing Christmas ornaments at Santa's sleigh from being sold in liquor stores? Dear dipshit (aka state official): here's a hint, kids are more likely going to be swayed to buy something by some big breasted bimbo than they are a picture of Santa. I mean really, you could put a picture of dog shit on the outside of a beer bottle, and kids are still going to want it. Why? Because it's BEER for fuck's sake, why else do you think?
Actually I know what the problem is. According to the company, they had no problems selling "Bad Elf" beer and "Very Bad Elf" beer. State officials were probably able to turn their heads to this, but when "Seriously Bad Elf" beer shows up on the market, all hell breaks loose.
I normally don't go into social rants like this one, but I couldn't let this one pass. I seriously had a problem coming up with comments on this article, because it has donkey written all over it so many times, it's hard to explain. I'm sure some political nutcase sees this as a serious issue that needs to be addressed, but remember, these are the same halfwits that spent their schoolboy days getting the crap beaten out of them, and now feel the need to push back on society with their laws and bureaucratic bullshit. Ok, rant over, until next time!
Morphy
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Donkey Joke: The Donkey and the Well
I don't plan on making this into a joke blog, but this one has the perfect theme. Enjoy!
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, so it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake the dirt off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.
The Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
OK, that's enough of that BS...The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked the shit out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbors' farms and kicked the shit out of them too for helping.
The REAL Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.
Morphy
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, so it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake the dirt off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.
The Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
OK, that's enough of that BS...The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked the shit out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbors' farms and kicked the shit out of them too for helping.
The REAL Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.
Morphy
Thursday, October 13, 2005
The Time-Space Con-Donkey-um
Every time I've posted something that originated from a poker game/site, I've said that I don't want to make this a poker blog. However, I'm finding so many things at and around the tables to talk about, I can't avoid it. Remember, we're all about quantity here at the Manifesto, and don't really put a lot of thought into the quality of our work.
So earlier this week, Tuesday, October 11, 2005, to be exact, my wife and I both received letters in the US mail from Empire Poker. They were invites to a $10k freeroll tournament. The thing is, they were invites for a tournament that was held 3 days earlier, on October 8, 2005. However, the email did say that if we had any questions we could email them. So, off went this email:
Today I received this reply via email:
So, I'm of the opinion that there are times to stop an obvious joke before it gets taken too far. Sometimes what is left unsaid can be more humorous than dragging it out. I apparently didn't feel that way about this, because I shot this email back:
Morphy
So earlier this week, Tuesday, October 11, 2005, to be exact, my wife and I both received letters in the US mail from Empire Poker. They were invites to a $10k freeroll tournament. The thing is, they were invites for a tournament that was held 3 days earlier, on October 8, 2005. However, the email did say that if we had any questions we could email them. So, off went this email:
Dear Empire Poker,
Yesterday, 10/11/05, my wife and I received two letters from you. They were invitations to a $10,000 Special Freeroll Tournament.
The thing is, this event was held on 10/8/05.
I looked in the envelope, but I didn't see a time machine nor did I see instructions on how to build a time machine. My only thoughts were that your quality control team forgot to include the time machine instructions with this letter.
I would very much like to play in the tournament that was held on 10/8/05, as would my wife. Please send me the time machine or at least the instructions on how to build one, so that we can play in this tournament.
Sincerely,
XaQ Morphy
Today I received this reply via email:
Hi XaQ,
With reference to your email, please note that the $10,000 Special Freeroll Tournament which was scheduled for 16:00 EST on 08-October-2005 was cancelled due technical reasons. We wpologize for any inconveneince.
Also, we would like to know what is time machine which you are referring to, so that we can explain on that.
(snip some crap about not giving out my password and thanking me for being their gaming site of choice)
Randy
Poker Customer Care
So, I'm of the opinion that there are times to stop an obvious joke before it gets taken too far. Sometimes what is left unsaid can be more humorous than dragging it out. I apparently didn't feel that way about this, because I shot this email back:
Hi, thanks for the reply. Are you planning on rescheduling the tournament that was supposed to be held on 10/8/05 that I received the invite for on 10/11/05? Perhaps hold it the previous weekend, 10/1/05?
As for the time machine, please see this link for more information:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_machine
A time machine is a device that allows one to travel through time. Have you seen the movie Back to the Future? I'm certainly not expecting anything as fancy as a DeLorean sent to me to make my time machine, especially with the advances in technology that have been made since that movie first appeared.
Please advise.
Sincerely,
XaQ Morphy
Obviously, there has been a breakdown somewhere in the communication process, as this donkey apparently just decided to randomly spout some crap to me:
Dear XaQ,See that dead horse? Let's kick it again, shall we?
Thank you for contacting us.
We faced technical difficulties due to which "Saturday $10,000 Special Freeroll ($0/$0) 464348" which was scheduled at 16:00 EST on 08-October-2005 was cancelled.
We would like to inform that we are frequently introducing new tournaments and we assure you that as soon as you are eligible for one of these tournaments, we will send you an email or you can check the pre or post login pop-up.
Do not miss out on what is happening at EmpirePoker.com. For up-to-the-minute information, please check out the News & Events section of our website.
(link to some crap on their web site)
We have various other exciting offers that you can take advantage of while playing at our site. For example, if you refer new players to our site you receive $50 as a referral bonus (after referee fulfills the restrictions). To have complete details (terms and conditions) about this Tell-A-Friend bonus, please visit the following link:
(link to some other crap on their web site)
(snip some crap about not giving out my password and thanking me for being their gaming site of choice)
Anand
Poker Customer Care
Hi, I am still curious about the time machine question. I thought it was common knowledge, but, here in the US we travel through the time-space continuum all the time. As I stated in the email that was sent to you next week, I need to have plans to build an empire poker compatible time machine sent to me. Thanks,
XaQ Morphy
Now here's where I am left speechless. The next reply is something that *I* would have written to someone, almost hoping they missed the sarcasm. Unfortunately, I have no way of knowing if this last email is serious or just someone playing along with the joke.
Dear XaQ,I still don't know what to think when I read that. If Garima is playing along with the joke, then he/she is OK in my book. If not, I weep for all of you who have money on Empire...
Thank you for contacting us.
In regard to your e-mail, we understand that you wants a compatible time machine for EmpirePoker. However, we would like to inform you that as per our privacy policy and code of conduct we will not be able to create one.
However, if you have any more queries, please do write back to us and we will be glad to assist you further.
(snip some crap about not giving out my password and thanking me for being their gaming site of choice)
Garima
Poker Customer Care
Morphy
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Once a Donkey, Always a Donkey
Last week was my first week back to work after my surgery. Unfortunately I didn't get to witness any true donkey sightings, but based on the driving, and the fact that the weather is starting to get colder with more rain, I imagine it's just a matter of time until the driving stories start pouring in again. Until then, I'll have to rely on poker to give me material.
Yesterday I was doing something I don't remember, and my wife (FunkyRed) says "you have to see this guy in my room." So I jump on right after she won a big hand. She had 2 pair, bet most of her stack on the river when a 3rd diamond hit, and the guy folded. This chat then occurred:
Ahhh, now that explains it! Errr, ummm, ok. A few hands went by, then our donkey lost most of his chips. If I remember the hand correctly he checked it to the river, then made some sort of stupid bet, and was called with 2nd pair. I knew it was just a matter of time before I couldn't help myself and say anything, so this was a great time to jump in:
In the chat that follows, our donkey doesn't even realize that I showed up shortly after his hand with FunkyRed, and he's obviously not smart enough to realize that I was watching her. Instead, he figured I was some observer that just decided to watch a SNG for fun. I then start having fun. I figure even a donkey of this nature will figure out that I'm just messing with him, but, ummm, maybe not:
Right about the same time, two other players are in a hand. One moves in, and another is faced with calling his stack off. This is where our donkey appears to completely lose it:
Morphy
Yesterday I was doing something I don't remember, and my wife (FunkyRed) says "you have to see this guy in my room." So I jump on right after she won a big hand. She had 2 pair, bet most of her stack on the river when a 3rd diamond hit, and the guy folded. This chat then occurred:
always87: i had flush low highOk, so the obvious question is, what in the world is a "flush low high"??? Now we have donkeys inventing poker terms. That's Donktastic! I told her to ask him wtf a "flush low high" was:
always87: flush i had the 5 and 6
always87: opf diamonds
Dealer: always87 has 15 seconds left to act
FunkyRed: flush draw?
always87: no flush
FunkyRed: you folded a flush?
always87: but low high i thought u had higher than 6
always87: yes i foled a flush
always87: did u have me beat
always87: ?
FunkyRed: yes
FunkyRed: what is low high?
always87: like i had a 6
Ahhh, now that explains it! Errr, ummm, ok. A few hands went by, then our donkey lost most of his chips. If I remember the hand correctly he checked it to the river, then made some sort of stupid bet, and was called with 2nd pair. I knew it was just a matter of time before I couldn't help myself and say anything, so this was a great time to jump in:
always87: how can you make that call
XaQ Morphy (Observer): maybe he had low high?
always87: ?????
always87: ???????
always87: ??????????
XaQ Morphy (Observer): exactly
In the chat that follows, our donkey doesn't even realize that I showed up shortly after his hand with FunkyRed, and he's obviously not smart enough to realize that I was watching her. Instead, he figured I was some observer that just decided to watch a SNG for fun. I then start having fun. I figure even a donkey of this nature will figure out that I'm just messing with him, but, ummm, maybe not:
always87: im not poor, ican can afford a 5 dollar tourneySo, while this was going on, I had a game of my own going on, so I missed the "WHO ARE YOU" ummm, statement I guess, since punctuation was apparently to hard for this donkey to use. A few minutes went by, and I was about to fully go back to my game (instead of donking off money while toying with this guy), when he starts in again (and apparently found the question mark key again):
always87: i don't watch
XaQ Morphy (Observer): wtf are you talking about?
always87: you
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I had low high, sorry
always87: ARE YOU CHEATING??
always87: IM REPORTING YOU!
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I HAD LOW HIGH!
always87: BLAH BLAH
always87: PEASENT
XaQ Morphy (Observer): wtf is a "PEASENT"???
always87: YOU
XaQ Morphy (Observer): that's not a word, sir
always87: WHO ARE YOU
XaQ Morphy (Observer): but then again, since "low high" isn't a poker term, "peasent" might as well be a word
always87: WHERE DID POOR GUY GO
always87: ?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): right here sir, waiting for
more words of wisdom from you
always87: WELL HELLO
always87: WHO THE UFCK ARE YOU
XaQ Morphy (Observer): one of the admins here
always87: NO
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I received a complaint that you were being abusive, so I came here to see if it was true
always87: YEAH OK
always87: I SAID GL ALL
always87: NOW LET ME PLAY
XaQ Morphy (Observer): yeah, see, that's uncalled for
always87: IM INNGNORING YOU
Dealer: always87 has 15 seconds left to act
XaQ Morphy (Observer): english only at the tables please, sir
always87: LALALALA
Right about the same time, two other players are in a hand. One moves in, and another is faced with calling his stack off. This is where our donkey appears to completely lose it:
always87: ALLLLLL IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNow, what I wasn't able to include was the timing on this hand. The board had 2 5's on it, and apparently our donkey was sure that one of the players had a 5. However, all of the chat after I said "one person to a hand please" from our donkey was AFTER the hand was over. After that I lost interest, our donkey didn't say much, and lost after calling away his chips on a board he couldn't beat. Poor, poor donkey, I hope they can up his dosage a bit.
XaQ Morphy (Observer): one person to a hand please
always87: ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIN
always87: 458-6325
XaQ Morphy (Observer): did you forget your medication today sir?
always87: 6589214565555
always87: 5
always87: 5
always87: 5
always87: 5
always87: HE HAS A 5
always87: ALLLLL IIIIIIN
Morphy
Monday, October 03, 2005
DonkeyStars Holds Tournament For Donkey Bloggers
Nothing really important to see here...just leeching off of a free tournament that PokerStars is holding. In personal news, I went back to work today and am starting the donkey hunt. Stay tuned.
Morphy
Morphy
I have registered to play in the
Online Poker Blogger Championship!
This event is powered by PokerStars.
Registration code: 1922868
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