Hello Manifestites! I bet I know what you’re thinking. “Is Morphy messing with us?” “Is this really the 2nd installment of The List?” “Has it really been over 3 years since the last installment of The List?” “What the hell is The List?” “everyoneisouttogetmetheonlinesitescheatmetheresaguynamedvenxwhoworksforstarsftpstolemoneyfrommybankaccountkillkillkillmustkillcan’tlivewithoutthebloodbloodbloodcrazycrazycrazy”. Hey look, RGP’s own Igotskillz is here with us too!
Yes, it’s true, this is the 2nd installment of The List, Poker Strategy. As I’m writing this intro I don’t know how long this is going to be, but to say I have more quotes for this installment than the first is like saying there may be a few retards on RGP. Speaking of the first, for those who don’t know what this is all about, the first installment can be found here. For a quick recap, The List is a culmination of various quotes, mostly from IM chat with various people, some from table chat, and a few misc. quotes here and there that I’ve gathered since its inception in 2005. When I see them I take them and copy them into a file and save them for future use.
I’ve been putting this off for way too long. For a while I had various reasons why I didn’t want to post the next installment, for a while I didn’t know if I wanted to continue the blog at all. A lot of it had to do with poker, I actually quit playing in 2007 and cashed out my roll, blah blah ok yeah whatever you guys don’t give a shit about that. At one point I became really motivated to do it, opened up the text file I had as The List, realized it was going to take a lot of work just to sort the quotes out into a format where I’d be able to start figuring out how to come up with an entry. So here it is. I can’t promise you any useful poker advice here, but I can offer some of the most amusing quotes I’ve either witnessed or written over the past few years. Some of them might be “have to be there” type of quotes, but the important thing is that they were funny to me.
As we last left The List, we were graced by these words from our long-lost friend Muk:
Mukwrm715: thank you i like play the poker
No, that’s not it. This is the one I mean:
Mukwrm715: if i can beat a woman with a penis at cards, i am obviously the best
Err, nope, that ain’t it either. Maybe it’s this one…
Mukwrm715: i am tearing through my stars money like the site is closing down in 10 minutes
Ah yes, there it is. That’s still one of my all time favorites. Muk had some incredibly awesome quotes over the years. I’m sure we all remember this one:
Mukwrm715: so adam ft's in a game he claims no knowledge of, james wins a tournament, and i get beat by a 3 outer
Mukwrm715: looks like things are back to normal
Part of the fun of The List is that I can take quotes days/weeks/years apart and put them together to tell a story. Here’s a nice quick sampling to really kick off this entry:
Mukwrm715: i am looking for something pretty again
Mukwrm715: hello all in, my name is matt
Mukwrm715: that was a cruel cruel joke
Mukwrm715: I just donked off millions of chips
Mukwrm715: i need to go break something
Speaking of breaking something, I think everyone who has ever played online poker has a love/hate relationship with at least one poker site. PokerStars seems to be one of the favorite targets of semi-random shots of hatred. Now let’s make sure we understand where we are here. I’ve never once had the thought or shared the opinions of those that believe poker sites are rigged. Kind of reminds me of a quote:
XaQ Morphy: Losers need to get support from other losers about their losing.
Anyway, what I mean is that while we joke all the time about RiverStars, the turn of a thousand outs, “ooh look, 38o is on special today” and various other ridiculous notions, in the end we are rational human beings and understand how absurd the notion of a site rigging their deal to create action is. By “we”, of course I mean those of us who aren’t total retards and spend their time posting on various online sites whining about how rigged things are. Ahem, anyway…on with the quotes…
XaQ Morphy: you know your day is fucked when you open up stars and the first thing you are greeted with is a big dose of retard
TNL had some, well, interesting things to say about Stars. We’ll see how he progresses in his mission to never play there again.
7/3/2006:
thenutlow: gg stars.. you have had ur last $$ outta me
3/17/2007:
XaQ Morphy: at least it doesn't all of a sudden look like stars
thenutlow: lol
thenutlow: i aint ever playin on that fucking site again
thenutlow: as long as i live
XaQ Morphy: lolol
thenutlow: fuck that shit house
5/8/2007:
thenutlow: thank fuck for that
thenutlow: lemme close that shit hole down and never open again for as long as I
thenutlow: 2 hours
11/5/2007:
thenutlow: well
thenutlow: it was a cheap way to reinvigorate my hatred for that pisshole
thenutlow: i swear
thenutlow: if I ever play another hand of poker on that fuckhole
thenutlow: fucking fuckers
Progress! Such a wonderful thing. Speaking of PokerStars, here’s a random quote from some guy about their Sunday tournament, now known as the Sunday Million:
hazards21: a donk always wins this
hazards21: so if u arent one
hazards21: u dont have a chance
For those who don’t believe it, put google to use and search out Vikidin’s Sunday Million win from last year. Stars had a video of his play and it was one of the most tilt inducing things I’ve ever watched. Imagine a guy who literally never won a single thing, donked away $25k over the course of his poker life, and then binked the $200k first prize through a series of calls with no hand no draw and a never-ending stream of gobbles. Gobble? What’s a gobble? Funny you should ask. The term gobble first appeared sometime in 2006 on RGP in this post by yours truly:
Subject: The gobble
“Nothing drives me more crazy than the gobble. Play NL holdem long enough, cash or tourney, and you'll run into these masters of the gobble, and they will slowly eat away at any sanity you have left with their gobbling gobble style.
There's no good way to play vs. a gobbler, because they are out there to master the art of the gobble. The gobble is the most worthless bet in poker. Nothing is more useless than some gobbler calling a raise with A3o, checking the A high flop, then throwing in the check-gobble vs. some poor shmuck with KK.
The gobble is everywhere. There's the pre-flop gobble, which entices everyone to call and try to bust said gobbler. There's the previously mentioned check-gobble, the "I have 55 the board is QJ9, and I think you have AK" flop gobble, and then of course there's the "I chased my hand all the way to the end and hit it" fucking river gobble.
I'm serious, the best way to take all my chips is to get a team of gobblers at a table, and just have them take turns gobbling my stack away. Pre-flop gobble, check gobble, turn gobble, river gobble, it's all there. Just take my chips, I can lose another buyin. Fucking gobblers.”
Of course most of RGP remained true to form (i.e., totally clueless), and had no idea what I was talking about, so I wrote the following post as an explanation. I trust that my loyal readers out there, both of you, are already well versed in having to deal with the rancid hate-inducing tilt machine that is the gobble.
“It has come to my attention that my dear friends on RGP might not know what the gobble is. The gobble, of course, is the min raise, and to some extent, the min bet. The term was coined by TNL, and completely overused and kicked in the head by me. No doubt FellKnight will be writing a "guide to gobbling" article soon.”
Later in that thread we have this gem, also written by yours truly:
“These fuckers drive me crazy. I'm serious. You guys could stack me, one gobble at a time, and there's nothing I can do about it. Hell, for 1BB I'll call with 3 high all the way to the river."
Sadly enough, the last sentence is damn near spot on.
The origin of the term gobble came from the fabled ancient city of Nutlough, long time ago, galaxy far far away, etc. etc. Either that or it was this quote:
thenutlow: these fucking masters of the cock-gobble are gettin on my nerves
Then again, maybe it’s one of those Matrix type things:
thenutlow: we are in gobbleverse and the only winners will be the min raisers
On the topic of raising/betting/folding, there’s a bunch of quotes I’ve collected over the years that deal with this topic. Most importantly, you should always have a strategy in mind when playing a poker hand. You know, like this:
XaQ Morphy: I will say this...I know what I'm going to do before I make the preflop raise. I set up scenarios...if I raise and he jams, what will I do? That way when it happens, I can contradict myself and do the opposite.
On the subject of having a plan, sometimes our goals aren’t as lofty as the goals of others:
AKQJT9: I'm pretty close to doing soemthing stupid again
AKQJT9: and here it undoubtably comes
AKQJT9 is a really good friend of mine, but watching him at the poker table is somewhat of a conundrum for me. On one hand I want to help him and see him do well, but on the other hand, well, this quote from FellKnight describes it best:
FellKnight: its funny to watch his "omgwe'reonthebubbleihavetosurvive" and his "OMFGTOPPAIR" reflexes do battle
AKQJT9 has a great attitude about it though, as witnessed by this quote:
AKQJT9: I love watching retards try to play poker
AKQJT9: that's why I have a mirror next to my screen
Alright, back to the strategy. In poker there are multiple levels of thinking. First level thinking is what hole cards you have, and that’s where most players live their entire poker lives. Second level is thinking about what your opponent has. Third level is thinking about what your opponent thinks you have. Fourth level is thinking about what your opponent thinks you think he thinks you have, and the fifth level is that one fucking level that Mario keeps getting his ass kicked by those flying turtle fuckers. Err, umm, yeah nevermind. Anyway, second level thinking isn’t a Phil Hellmuthian look into your soul and figure out you have AQ type of thing, it’s putting a story together and putting your opponent on a possible range of hands. Like, umm, this:
XaQ Morphy: "please fold, sir" is a range, right?
On the other hand, sometimes our opponents are a bit easier to read. One day I was watching a friend play and a guy on his table basically never folded. He finally busted him and I said this:
XaQ Morphy: I'm thinkin the only range tex folds with there is misclick
Sometimes we try to entice our opponents to do something that we want and a lot of times that’s accomplished by telling them the opposite of what we want. For example, if we want them to call we type in “fold idiot, fold!” or something to that effect. RGP’s beloved Misst74 sort of got caught here with her choice of words:
misst74: call me bitch
Hmm, I wonder what she really was after? Sometimes no matter what we do it seems like there’s no hope, as this quote described:
XaQ Morphy: as soon as this guy stops hitting every hand, you're due to win a ton of money from him
That was a great night…Fell was playing some guy named slushie on Pacific poker and was getting annihilated. After about 2 hours things finally started to turn his way, and several hours later he busted slushie’s account, winning over $10k from him. Ahh, those were the days. Fell had a way about him that made people listen. Maybe not understand, but at least listen. Eventually someone finally understood what he was talking about:
FellKnight: I FEEL LIKE HELEN KELLERS TEACHER
One day TNL had a massive grudge match going, and was beating the other guy pretty badly. Best way to describe a winning session like that?
thenutlow: am squeezing that bastard like opium is seeping out of its pores
On the other hand, when he isn’t squeezing them, it’s more like this:
thenutlow: fuck me... stephen hawkins runs better then i do
This next one I’m rather proud of and to this day is probably the best compliment I’ve received about my poker playing. Note that the chat came from an observer. I imagine I did something stupid and busted him. Raising is fun!
weirdobob (Observer): i've never seen anyone play so wreckless as you do XaQ
On the other hand, not everyone shares my opinion about raising:
DOWNR: lmao
DOWNR: you ppl who raise b4 the flop are all punk rookies
Of course the opposite of people who raise are, well, a quote would be best to tell it:
thenutlow: you are a horrible infected animal otherwise known as a "nit"
What is a nit, you may ask? The basic definition of a nit in poker is someone who doesn’t give action on the poker table. It’s far more complicated than that though, and the complexity runs fairly deep. There are nits that won’t ever bet without the nuts, there are nits who never ever raise, there are nits who play so few hands you don’t even realize they are there, and many many more types. They are generally bad for the game, but sure are fun to make fun of. We’ll start with what I’ve called the Nit’s Prayer. The back story here is a “token” satellite on FullTilt where the top however many people get a $26 or $75 token that can be used to enter various tournaments. They aren’t very hard and don’t require a lot of skill, but are a good way to watch a bunch of idiots knock each other out while you sit there and wait to have a token handed to you. Or at least that’s what this guy thought. A moment of silence please for our nit friend:
RisingPhoenix10: nice one, keep that up
AtteK: ok
RisingPhoenix10: lemme just ride your coattails to the token
XaQ Morphy: a nit's prayer
XaQ Morphy: dear lord, let me sit here and blind away while everyone else does the work
XaQ Morphy: we thank you for thy fold button
XaQ Morphy: we thank you for thy min raise
On a side note, get a nit who gobbles and you have a truly disgusting specimen of nit. Speaking of nits, RGP is full of them. The way they talk they’ll never put a single penny in a pot without the nuts (the best hand possible), and sit there defending their plans as if it’s the only way to play poker. TNL had a great quote about them a while back:
thenutlow: these fucking nits could flop quads with a backdorr pass to eternal life and figure out a reason to fold
Related to that, FellKnight had a similar quote, about a totally different situation:
FellKnight: these fuckers would need quads with a str8 flush redraw to get it in
Sometimes you just know what your opponents have. The nits sit there all day long checking and folding and wake up and out of nowhere throw in a big bet. This is the reaction I usually have:
XaQ Morphy: holy shit he bet
XaQ Morphy: he must have a royal 8 of a kind
I’ve had friends who play pretty nitty at times. One day while TNL and I were watching one and TNL had the best advice I could have offered:
thenutlow: tell the idiot to get it in
TNL likes to stir up trouble when he plays low level tournaments and often tilts his opponents. The nits there just can’t stand it and love to follow him around and berate his play. His retort?
thenutlow: win lose or draw, i feel good my friend
thenutlow: you on the other hand, are crying like a rabid parrot over a bad beat for the grand sum of $10
Speaking of the grand sum and nits, many poker sites have issues with players begging for money from the rail. These nits are especially annoying because they are relentless in their pursuit of a few dollars. This guy had his future set from the moment he created his online name:
GFY Beggar (Observer): Would any of you kind folks be willing to spot me 5 dollars, please?
Sometimes the retards, nits, beggars and idiots just are too much. Add to that a few nasty bad beats and you end up starting to think like a nit, as seen here:
thenutlow: you know its a fuckin day when u want to just call with the nuts so u lose less
So I have an interesting dilemma. I have so many quotes that there are a full 13 pages of blog entry in MS Word. So far the longest blog entry has been 9 pages. Remember our theme here at the Manifesto, we’re looking for quantity and not necessarily quality (past year aside obviously), so I’m going to split this up into 2 parts. The other part is already written and ready to go, so all I have to do is wait a few days and post it. I’m going to leave this up for a week before posting part 2 of this entry, but trust me, it will be there!
Until next time.
Yours Donkily,
Morphy
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
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