A large online poker site has what are called bounty tournaments. These have a standard buyin and rake, but also an additional amount that is paid out as people are busted out, paid in full to their bustee. Or is that the buster? Ahh hell, who knows. This was a low buyin tournament that in addition to the standard prize money, pays a dollar for every person you bust out.
People who know me know that I like to joke around and have fun. I love acting like a total retard (edit: acting? you be the judge) at the tables, and watching all the gullible morons flock to try and show me how wrong I am. Favorites are asking if aces are high or lo, or asking why I'm getting 4 cards dealt to me then pretending I've never heard of Omaha. So the tournament hits the phase where antes are taken out in addition to blinds, and I start right in:
DOKTER DONKEY posts ante (25).
DOKTER DONKEY says "WTF SOMEOEN TOOK MY CHIPS".
DOKTER DONKEY says "DID YOU SEE THAT?".
DOKTER DONKEY says "DID ANYONE ELSE JUST LOSE 25 CHIPS?".
limmy80286 says "lol what".
DOKTER DONKEY says "WTF?".
piscato77 says "lol".
limmy80286 says "ante".
DOKTER DONKEY says "HUH?".
limmy80286 says "ante''".
limmy80286 says "lol its the poker faries".
piscato77 says "u r supposed to act like u been here b4".
DOKTER DONKEY says "YEAH I SAW YOU SAID THAT, WTF DOES ANTE MEAN?".
limmy80286 says "lol".
Aha, the game is afoot! Let's see how far I can drag them in...
DOKTER DONKEY says "FUKKKKKKKKKKKK".
DOKTER DONKEY says "THERE IT IS AGAIN".
limmy80286 says "lol".
limmy80286 says "lol".
limmy80286 says "lol".
limmy80286 says "lol".
limmy80286 says "lol".
limmy80286 says "lol".
DOKTER DONKEY says "ITS NOT FUNNY SOME FUKKER IS TAKING MY CHIPS!!!".
limmy80286 says "its me".
damondangle says "i am taking 25 when this hands over".
DOKTER DONKEY says "YOU GUYS CHEAT IM REPORTING U".
hellmuthjr99 (obs) says "wow".
hellmuthjr99 (obs) says "LOL".
limmy80286 says "i am the chip banndethear to take your chips jest your dox".
Haru24 says "lol antes".
Wow. We have a genius at the table. Allow me to translate Limmy's last line: "I am the chip bandit here to take your chips...
damondangle says "there in the center of the table man ".
DOKTER DONKEY says "OH".
limmy80286 says "lol nob".
DOKTER DONKEY says "WHY CANT I CLICK ON THEM?".
limmy80286 says "noob".
limmy80286 says "have u ever played online poker".
DOKTER DONKEY says "THIS IS POKER!?!??!?!?".
damondangle says "y you want to click on them??????/".
DOKTER DONKEY says "ISNT THAT HOW I DOUBLE DOWN?".
limmy80286 says "sir you shrade has worked i have not laughed so hard in a long
DOKTER DONKEY says "SHRADE?".
DOKTER DONKEY says "IS THAT ONE OF THOSE LAMPSHADE THINGS THAT DOGS WEAR?".
limmy80286 says "lol yes it is".
MathProf (obs) says "probably played better thinking it was blackjack".
DOKTER DONKEY says "IT TOOK ME 25 MINS TO REALIZE THAT BJ MEANT BLACKJACK".
DOKTER DONKEY says "YOU CAN IMAGINE MY DISAPPOINTMENT".
Ahh, I love the smell of bacon. And microwave popcorn. Not sure what that has to do with this, but since it's my damn blog, I'll write whatever the hell I want to. If you don't like it, go make me some damn bacon. Thanks. Those of you with no sense of humor who don't find this funny, go make some popcorn. But don't burn it. The worst smell ever, err, let me clarify...the worst popcorn-related smell ever is when some dumb motherfucker burns microwave popcorn. The instructions clearly state things like "do not leave microwave unattended while cooking" and "listen to the pops carefully and remove when they slow down to 1 every few seconds" and things like that. Yet, every goddamn day some goddamn moron puts the bag in the microwave, sets it for 37 minutes, and wanders off to take a call on their cell phones. Morons. Off with their heads.
So after that the chat slowed down quite a bit. I was watching the typical moronic play that makes up a typical online tournament. Then an idea came to mind. For you nits out there, I misspelled the obvious word in the following chat on purpose. Speaking of nits, notice how they jumped all over me for it. Oh yeah, and if you haven't figured it out already, typing in all caps makes things look funny.
JoeyAusome says "noo".
DOKTER DONKEY says "HEY DUMBASS, YOU SPELLED AWSOME WRONG".
natelukas (obs) says "haha he is ausy u idiot donkey".
hellmuthjr99 (obs) says "lol".
hellmuthjr99 (obs) says "Awsome?".
hellmuthjr99 (obs) says "how bout awesome".
DOKTER DONKEY says "STAY OUT OF THIS PHIL".
DOKTER DONKEY says "NO ONE ASKED YOU".
hellmuthjr99 (obs) says "o.k. see ya ante boy".
JoeyAusome says "haha".
natelukas (obs) says "he is a donkey so is hellmuth".
Some of you know that I have various friends in the poker community. What most of you don't know is that one of my friends is a famous TV pro. He found me through the Manifesto shortly after I started it and we've been friends ever since. Well, he happened to be railing me in this tournament, and decided to jump into the fray here on the rail. Note that I purposely masked his handle on the site. In fact, I changed it to the handle of a well-known retard. Or wait, maybe it is the same? I'll let you figure it out.
BaronPro (obs) says "hi joey".
BaronPro (obs) says "big fan of yours".
JoeyAusome says "hey BaronPro (OBS)".
JoeyAusome says "thanks man, keep trying hard in life".
BaronPro (obs) says "gonna try my best pal, inspirations like you keep me going".
JoeyAusome says "you know, thats why i do what i do, for the fans".
BaronPro (obs) says "and the fans reward you with their loyalty and adoration".
JoeyAusome says "i got to give thanks to fans like you".
BaronPro (obs) says "no no, we thank you for being AUSome".
natelukas (obs) says "damon loves the **** just like phil and dokter douchedonke
BaronPro (obs) says "nate".
JoeyAusome says "cut it out nate".
natelukas (obs) says "pro".
BaronPro (obs) says "show some respect nate".
BaronPro (obs) says "like our hero Joey".
natelukas (obs) says "no way".
limmy80286 says "joey i want to take you out jest to make your fans sad".
BaronPro (obs) says "limmy".
JoeyAusome says "i'll tell you what, if you knock me out you can have my bounty"
limmy80286 says "well thanks".
JoeyAusome says "thank my fans".
DOKTER DONKEY says "WHAT IS NATE'S ISSUE? OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT HE STILL".
DOKTER DONKEY says "LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS".
BaronPro (obs) says "nate".
BaronPro (obs) says "nate".
BaronPro (obs) says "nate".
BaronPro (obs) says "nate".
BaronPro (obs) says "nate".
BaronPro (obs) says "on behalf of Joey and all his fans".
BaronPro (obs) says "im going to give you a small piece of advice".
natelukas (obs) says "joey is a *** stfu".
MathProf (obs) says "tsk tsk...you kiss your mom with that mouth?".
DOKTER DONKEY says "AND YOUR SISTER?".
BaronPro (obs) says "take a large sharp knife, and stick it in your left eye"
JoeyAusome says "whoa PRO".
BaronPro (obs) says "mathprof, you seem like an idiot".
MathProf (obs) says "I don't just seem like one!".
JoeyAusome says "ha".
BaronPro (obs) says "oh wait, I just spoke to a mutual friend, and he confirmed".
BaronPro (obs) says "were correct".
MathProf (obs) says "he agreed with you? good thing. so do I!".
MathProf is just some idiot from RGP. He's not all that important, but found a way to extra himself into this entry.
BaronPro (obs) says "Joey".
BaronPro (obs) says "can I ask you a question? ".
JoeyAusome says "you bet".
BaronPro (obs) says "can the serf approach the throne to speak?".
BaronPro (obs) says "on a scale of 1 to 10".
JoeyAusome says "7".
DOKTER DONKEY says "2".
BaronPro (obs) says "how much of a fkkin idiot are you?".
DOKTER DONKEY says "10".
BaronPro (obs) says "all Aussies are gay".
BaronPro (obs) says "100% true fact".
JoeyAusome says "that prolly is true".
limmy80286 says "why dont u get on your knees and blow him ***".
DOKTER DONKEY says "LIMMY R U HITTING ON ME?".
What follows had me nearly in tears. We love doing Tony G impressions. The guy is so, umm, awesome, and has put out some truly awe-inspiring NLHE videos.
MathProf (obs) says "wait...if that's true, where do baby aussies come from?".
DOKTER DONKEY says "KANGAROOS".
BaronPro (obs) says "lithuania".
BaronPro (obs) says "like tony G".
DOKTER DONKEY says "ON YER BIKE JOEY".
JoeyAusome says "you know a baby kangaroo is a joey".
JoeyAusome says "so i am one with the kangs".
BaronPro (obs) says "I know a grown up retard is a Joey as well".
Joey. Kangaroo. Retard. Hahaha. Get it?
Anyway, right about now I have a pretty big stack and get all-in with a short stack. I have 55, and he has KQ. The flop brought a 5, giving me a set and he was drawing dead. The turn brought a useless K, and the river blanked, and I busted him. The following is, umm, amazing as far as poker knowledge goes.
DOKTER DONKEY wins 21280 with three fives.
DOKTER DONKEY says "OOPS".
Haru24 is eliminated.
BaronPro (obs) says "gg ".
DOKTER DONKEY says "TY FOR YOUR DOLLAR".
DOKTER DONKEY says "PLEASE DRIVE THRU".
natelukas (obs) says "idiot ur gonna bust dokter **** blower".
limmy80286 says "nice catch dok".
BaronPro (obs) says "lolol".
limmy80286 says "had u owend pf".
Haru24 (obs) says "i was gonna say nh but u gotta sayy that nice man ".
BaronPro (obs) says "Haru, quit moanin".
BaronPro (obs) says "on yer bike".
DOKTER DONKEY says "UHHH WHAT?".
BaronPro (obs) says "dokter had the heart and commitment to the game, to win".
DOKTER DONKEY says "HOW DOES KQ "OWN" 55 PRE FLOP?".
For those that don't know, 55 is a slight favorite over KQ. It's a paired hand, so while the hand is considered a "coinflip" there is a slight advantage to the 55 since it doesn't need to improve to win. Anyway, on with the fun, and the insults of course!
seouljah boy (obs) says "get em joey".
BaronPro (obs) says "hi soldier boy, retarded name for a retarded person".
seouljah boy (obs) says "retarded name?".
BaronPro (obs) says "yes".
seouljah boy (obs) says "BaronPro isnt much better bud".
BaronPro (obs) says "glad you concur".
BaronPro (obs) says "oh really?".
BaronPro (obs) says "its the best name ever".
seouljah boy (obs) says "yup".
seouljah boy (obs) says "nw".
seouljah boy (obs) says "naw*".
seouljah boy (obs) says "disagree".
BaronPro (obs) says "would you like me to explain why?".
seouljah boy (obs) says "no thanks".
seouljah boy (obs) says "i have better things to do".
BaronPro (obs) says "ok i will then".
BaronPro (obs) says "its the best name".
BaronPro (obs) says "because you are an idiot".
seouljah boy (obs) says "good comment".
BaronPro (obs) says "ty".
This would have been more amusing if I posted his actual handle, but you'll have to just live with this. It also sets up the next part. Joey decides to impress us with his knowledge of geography.
JoeyAusome says "seoul as in Russia?".
DOKTER DONKEY says "YAH SEOUL, RUSSIA, RIGHT NEXT TO BEIJING".
BaronPro (obs) says "Joey, where in Oz are you form".
JoeyAusome says "North CArolina".
BaronPro (obs) says "thats in the united states of obesity".
MathProf (obs) says "excuse me. I couldn't hear you over my supersized meal".
BaronPro (obs) says "a light snack before your main course?".
MathProf (obs) says "yeah".
MathProf (obs) says "its my appetizer".
Of course Joey is one of those fuckin nitfucks who blinds down for 2 hours, then gets his stack in with the most retarded thing ever. Our hero Joey blinded down and somehow got in with Q 10 offsuit, which, umm, isn't a great hand. In the poker world it's known as the Varkoni, or Varkyoni, or Varykoni, or Vyknronia, or however the fuck that fucker spells his name.
BaronPro (obs) says "Joey, you gonna play a hand soon?".
natelukas (obs) says "whose gonna felt the donkey joey and his gay fans".
JoeyAusome says "nate thats enough".
natelukas (obs) says "or what joey ".
natelukas (obs) says "u gonna cry".
JoeyAusome says "maybe after this hand".
limmy80286 says "tool".
DOKTER DONKEY says "LOL".
JoeyAusome says "my side hurts".
BaronPro (obs) says "waits 100 hands to play the Varkoni".
BaronPro (obs) says "moron hand for a moronic moron".
Shortly after, I bust Limmy. We always like to wish our fallen opponents the best. Of course as soon as an insult is thrown out, the obligatory headsup challenge is made.
BaronPro (obs) says "lolol".
limmy80286 leaves.
limmy80286 (obs) says "nh gg".
BaronPro (obs) says "gg limmy".
BaronPro (obs) says "idiot".
DOKTER DONKEY says "GG".
limmy80286 (obs) says "baron lets play heads up".
BaronPro (obs) says "okay".
BaronPro (obs) says "50/100 NL".
limmy80286 (obs) says "u dont have that".
BaronPro (obs) says "i do".
BaronPro (obs) says "got money pouring out of my ears son".
JoeyAusome says "tell me what room i want to watch".
limmy80286 (obs) says "20 heads up".
JoeyAusome says "tell me what room i want to watch".
BaronPro (obs) says "you mean table, JoeyMoron".
BaronPro (obs) says "$20? please".
BaronPro (obs) says "I dont scratch my nuts unless I get paid $1k to do it".
limmy80286 (obs) says "what you dont want me to take your 20".
natelukas (obs) says "hey pro he doesnt want to play heads up fake money you donk"
limmy80286 (obs) says "im doing it jest to make u look bad come on".
As this is all going on, a player named "975" is folding so much it's like he's trying to beat the world's record in origami. This was amusing to me, probably not as amusing to the rest of you. But...
BaronPro (obs) says "cmon 975".
975 folds.
Welcome back, back to the fray. I make a joke about who my TV pro friend might be, but trust me, while he is a fairly well-known TV pro, he isn't Shawn Sheikhan.
BaronPro (obs) says "cmon son,I'll drop down to 25/50 NL".
BaronPro (obs) says "just for u".
limmy80286 (obs) says "lets jest play 20 so i can make u look bad".
BaronPro (obs) says "no thanks, you are dead to me now".
natelukas (obs) says "he has no money he wants to play 25 50 nl fake money".
limmy80286 (obs) says "if your will to play that big why not play for 20".
BaronPro (obs) says "limmy, its the same reason I sleep with supermodels and
BaronPro (obs) says "pig faced howlers like ur mom".
BaronPro (obs) says "the busto store called, and its running out of YOU!".
limmy80286 (obs) says "so u all know pro has no balls".
DOKTER DONKEY says "I KNOW THAT PRO PLAYS MUCH HIGHER THAN THAT".
DOKTER DONKEY says "AND THAT HE'S ONLY HERE TO CHEER ME ON, IN BETWEEN TOURNEYS"
limmy80286 (obs) says "than play me for 20 it should be easy money right or u jest".
BaronPro (obs) says "i dont care for $20 son".
BaronPro (obs) says "id rather wipe ur *** with it then play you for it".
DOKTER DONKEY says "IF YOU ONLY KNEW".
limmy80286 (obs) says "ill make u look bad in front of your friends".
DOKTER DONKEY says "LOLOLOL".
DOKTER DONKEY says "SHAWN, CHECK THIS IDIOT OUT".
DOKTER DONKEY says "ERR".
BaronPro (obs) says "i do a good enough job of that myself tyvm".
DOKTER DONKEY says "NVM".
BaronPro (obs) says ".".
BaronPro (obs) says "..".
BaronPro (obs) says ".".
BaronPro (obs) says ".".
BaronPro (obs) says ".".
limmy80286 (obs) says "no balls".
BaronPro (obs) says "limmy".
BaronPro (obs) says "you wear lipstick?".
limmy80286 (obs) says "u talk but u cant play any cards".
DOKTER DONKEY says "LOL YOU CAN'T PLAY ANY CARDS".
DOKTER DONKEY says "SURE APPEARED THAT WAY ON TV".
DOKTER DONKEY says "HAHAHA".
BaronPro (obs) says "lol ".
MathProf (obs) says "just ask the mouth. he can't play".
BaronPro (obs) says "i know ".
DOKTER DONKEY says "LOL ".
BaronPro (obs) says "i told him to his face".
JoeyAusome says "asure did".
limmy80286 (obs) says "ok im leaving u puss".
BaronPro (obs) says "Joey".
BaronPro (obs) says "good".
BaronPro (obs) says "get out".
BaronPro (obs) says "ON UR BIKE RUSSIAN".
BaronPro (obs) says "GONNE".
So while all of this is going on, there's a player with the name "kanizzle" at the table. Shawn, err, BaronPro, decides to end this blog entry with some of the funniest chat I've had the pleasure to witness at a poker table.
kanizzle is at seat 1 with 2155.
rbeckwith posts the small blind of 300.
hollis1180 posts the big blind of 600.
BaronPro (obs) says "lookin a bit short there Kanizzle".
BaronPro (obs) says "try to be a dangerous player on the day that can win a lot of money".
BaronPro (obs) says "i fink u can bounce back".
DOKTER DONKEY says "BLINDS WILL GO UP?".
DOKTER DONKEY says "THIS POOR BASTARD BARELY HAS ENOUGH FOR WHAT THEY ARE NOW".
BaronPro (obs) says "kanizzle tryin foldizzle his wizzle up the ladizzle".
BaronPro (obs) says "fizzleuckin retizzleard".
kanizzle goes all-in for 730.
kanizzle is eliminated.
BaronPro (obs) says "gizzle gizzle".
Poor kanizzle. Foshizzle. Until next tizzle.
Morphizzle
