Put Down the Thesaurus, and Slowly Back Away!

Good day, fellow Manifestites. I hope all is well out there in donkey land. Today I bring you a follow up to a post from a few weeks ago.

You may remember the post about JetSet Poker, and their defective $20 comp that was given to me. This post can be found here. In the post I mentioned Andrew, JetSet's director, a few times. In the past I've dealt with Andrew, and anyone who has talked to him knows that he's a stand-up guy and gets things done. Well, Andrew sent me what was possibly the best email I've ever received. I'll leave the email below, in its entirety, for your reading pleasure. I'm Adam, by the way.

Hello Adam,

Thank you very much for your recent spate of messages and in that context I had the opportunity to review your presentation of the said emails at your site.

At the outset please accept my apologies for the possible non sequiturs that are readily apparent in the aforementioned email exchange. Notwithstanding their intent to provide support I agree with your sentiments that the transfer of information was at times potentially disjointed and fragmented. I would however be performing a disservice to our support personnel if not to highlight that they are wholly committed to delivering preeminent service to all members and providing a destination site where members may enjoy their favorite card games and tournaments with the surety that we are here to buttress the integrity of the site. There are invariably isolated instances where an inconsistency or an imprecise response may be provided during which the standard of due care could be adversely impacted. Nonetheless, beyond this "first line" of defense of live 24/7 onsite and email support is a supervisory staff that is also unwaveringly dedicated to ensuring issues such as these do not languish without the proper escalation and stewardship.

In response to your overarching query, while at a previous date we may aver your participation in an Affiliate Program, this has lapsed and, as per your request, we have confirmed no extant 'link' to an Affiliate. It was, as you correctly alluded, the responsibility of the support staff to ensure with great expediency that your inquiry was initially met and addressed. This however did not transpire and necessitated an additional email. Rest assured that I have spoken with the support staff member(s) in question to reaffirm their understanding in providing the correct and prudent reply with no ambiguity thus obviating any potentialities for miscommunication.

I have also had the opportunity to review your claim of defective comps. In this regard you will have to accept my apologies on behalf of Darren for his literal interpretation of defective. In all candor Adam I am as equally surprised as yourself that this USD20.00 did not perform up to standards. When I mentioned this to John Sutton, JetSetPoker Card Room Manager, he raised his eyebrows and stated unequivocally that there is no 'lemon law' per se at JSP. Clearly, we will have to put this non-performance of comps back on the drawing board for our technical staff to revisit. Once again you have my personal gratitude for highlighting the shortcomings of comps along with their lackluster performance for discriminating members such as yourself.

I hope this message finds you well Adam and please do not hesitate to reach me at your leisure.

Best regards,

Andrew Smith
JetSetPoker Director
support@jetsetpoker.com

Awesome, just awesome. I've never been one to really recommend a site to the general public, and I'm not an affiliate in any way, but I wouldn't hesitate to recommend JetSet to anyone that asked. They have a pretty good interface, good game selection, and horrible players. What more could you ask for?

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Donkey Manifesto Hits It Big Time!!!

Hello Manifestites, I have incredible news to announce. The Manifesto has just struck a HUGE marketing, promotion, and publication deal that will see it syndicated to over 300 publications worldwide! I received the call this morning, and almost think it's some sort of dream.

I can't go into too many details yet, but we signed the deal and it went official today. United Feature Syndicate, Inc. as well as Random House and Macmillan Publishing are working together with our agents to get the Manifesto content to as many web sites, magazines, books, and publications as possible, worldwide. In addition, we are working with Sprint to unleash new technology that can bring Manifesto stories right to your cell-phone, as well as downloadable ring tones.

I can't tell you how excited this makes me. This is like a dream come true. I want to thank everyone who has stood by my side through the good times and bad, and to everyone that has taken the time to read one of our posts. Without you, this would not be possible!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Donkfiliates and DonkSet Poker

Hello again fellow Manifestites, and welcome to today's blog entry. It's been a while since I've had a really good customer service type story, so this one fits in perfectly.

Last year I wrote about a short rakeback/prop player deal I had with JetSet Poker. You can read about it here. Well, a few times here and there I've been back on the site for one reason or another. The site has a pretty nice interface, as long as you turn off the character avatars. But, the real thing that gets me is the players. Overall, the players are horrible. That alone would be fine, since as a poker player, you really want to play against players worse than yourself. But the thing is, the type of player on this site just drives me nuts. It's like I'm back in the late 80's in high school, and the entire yearbook committee has taken over. It drives me nuts, so I'm constantly banging my head against the wall if I do play there, but when I'm not, I hear about how bad the players are, and how the site is a gold mine. On top of that, a few friends of mine are playing the larger tournaments there, and I like to stop in and say hi once and a while, and take note of some of the hands they play so I can ask them about them/discuss them/all out make fun of them for it later on.

Note that I haven't received any sort of correspondence from the affiliate that was supposedly handling my rakeback for over a year. I figured after what happened previously that he was no longer an affiliate with JetSet, and since I hadn't received any sort of rakeback payment since July 2005, he was either pocketing the money and not telling anyone (which is what he did originally), or he vanished.

Here's where our story begins. A few weeks ago I was on the site watching a friend play, and I noticed that my chat wasn't working. I wasn't receiving an error of any kind, but no matter what I typed, nothing appeared in the chat box. I found this odd. After talking with another friend who has played quite a bit there, I found out that he had the same issue, and had to work with their technical support because it was some technical issue on their end. I didn't receive any sort of communication telling me my chat was blocked, and I really don't remember any incidents that would have put my chat status in question. So here's where the emails start. Hang on, this may be a bumpy ride!

Hi, any reason why I can't chat on the tables? Thanks,

Morphy


Seems like a basic, straight forward question, right?


Dear XaQ Morphy,

We apologize for any inconvenience, but all account-related inquiries of this nature must be directed towards your affiliate manager. Please contact your affiliate manager for more information.

Please let us know if we may be of any further assistance.

Best Regards,

Pierre
JetSetPoker Support Team


Apparently no one remembers this problem when it happened to my friend previously. I also have no contact information at all for this so-called affiliate manager, so now what? Let's try another email:


Hi, I don't even know who my affiliate manager is, since I haven't had conversations with him for well over a year. Are you telling me that you are unable to answer a question such as this? It seemed like a pretty straight-forward question. Thanks,

Morphy


Dear XaQ Morphy,

We apologize for any inconvenience this issue may have caused you. Unfortunately, we do not have your affiliate manager's contact information.

Please let us know if we may be of any further assistance.

Best Regards,

Pierre
JetSetPoker Support Team


Ummm, ok. We seem to have gotten side tracked here. I'm not looking for my affiliate manager's contact information. I want someone to do something about my chat here. The thing is, I must have been in a lousy mood based on the tone of my email. Note that Andrew is a support person that I've worked with in the past when this whole affiliate mess started. He is a senior level support person or the support manager (I'm not sure which.) He's a stand-up guy, and I'm sure if he read the first email, he wouldn't have just brushed me off the way Pierre did. I figured screw it, who needs this site anyway, so I sent this:


Dear JetSet "support" person,

Please delete my account. If you're not willing to answer a simple question, I have no interest in playing there, and if I can't chat, I have no interest in supporting friends that play there either. Please pass a note onto Andrew notifying him of your unwillingness to help out a customer of your site.

Morphy


So I didn't hear anything for a few days. I figured things had resolved themselves. Out of curiosity, I logged in, and sure enough, my account is still there and active. I also still don't have chat capabilities. I ignore it, but then this email comes in. It's like they are just asking for me to blog them, aren't they?


Dear XaQ Morphy,

JSPAdminAndrew has asked me to follow up with you directly with regards to your chat capabilities.

In light of your valued patronage, I have contacted your affiliate manager and he has authorized the return of you chat capabilities.

However, please note that as your account is associated with an affiliate program, all future account related request will need to be processed via your affiliate manager.

Please note that your affiliate manager is the person who remits your Affiliate Fees.

Please let us know if there is anything else we can do to assist you.

Best Regards,

Toby
JetSetPoker Support Management


Wow, so Andrew did get involved, and did exactly what I thought he would...fix the problem in a few minutes, and that's that. So here I am, staring at this message, and there are 2 obvious "open issues." 1) Why did I lose my chat in the first place, and 2) What is the deal with all this affiliate manager crap? It's times like these that separate the true donkey bloggers from all of the wanna-be's. I had a tough choice to make. Which road to choose, which path to follow? As a side-bar, I will say that up until this point, I have been impressed with the customer service provided by JetSet. Andrew has shown both me and others I've conversed with that he is willing to go out of his way to make his customers happy. I'm almost sorry for not ending the email thread here. But, apologies aren't funny, and what happens next is. So here we go:


Ok, I understand that my affiliate manager is supposed to deal with these issues. However, as I stated earlier, I have no clue who this person is or how to get a hold of him. Because I haven't received any sort of affiliate fees in quite some time, and because others who signed up through him haven't as well, we assumed that he is no longer an affiliate manager with JetSet. If he is, he has been withholding fees for the last 9 months or so. Is there any way to either remove him from my account, or to delete my existing account and have me create a new one, without the restrictions of an affiliate manager that is non-existent?
Thanks,

Morphy


Basically, I'm asking them to remove my link to the affiliate account. Why? Well, if this scum-bag is still out there and collecting fees but not paying out the rakeback that is promised to me, I don't want to have anything to do with him. There's still a chance that I will play on the site in the future, and I don't want this guy scamming benefits off of me.


Dear XaQ Morphy,

Thank you once again for your prompt reply.

Our records indicate that the third party affiliate program you were a participant in is no longer active. As such we have removed you from that program and set your account to normal functionality including full chat privileges.

As a token of our appreciation for your patience during our review of this matter please accept a credit to your account in the amount of $20.00 with our compliments.

Please let us know if there is anything else we can do to assist you.

Best Regards,

Gaston
JetSetPoker Support Management


The fuck??? So we couldn't get this answer out of the first nitwit that replied to my first email? Or possibly the 2nd reply when I stated I had no clue who my affiliate person was? Game on now. I started to form my plan. Meanwhile, I had $20 on a site that I wasn't planning on depositing on. You know what that means? RAMPAGE!

Well, let's just say that a site like JetSet isn't the best site to try rampaging your money on. Players see flops. That's all they do. Preflop raises don't matter, semi-bluffs don't matter, the players don't have a clue what position or pot odds mean, so most of the tricks of the rampager are taken out. I was left with having to hit a hand and get paid off on it. Typically this works to get paid off in these types of games, but when you're completely card dead, and can't connect with a flop, you tend to bleed money. After about an hour of this, I couldn't take it anymore. I saw A3o call a 3 way allin in a $50 pot. I saw K2o call a pot bet on a flop of J73 and catch a K on the turn and 2 on the river to bust AK. I saw my low pocket pairs and trashy low suited cards see flops of AKQ, and my big cards see flops of 345. Finally I started moving in a bunch. I got called a few times and doubled up back to just over my original $20, but eventually it came to a halt when I couldn't get A7 to fold on a board of 7JQ82. Since I couldn't beat 3rd pair myself, my trip was over. Now, for my plan:


Hi, can you send me another $20? The one you just sent me was defective. Thanks!

Morphy


Dear Adam XaQ Morphy,

Thank you for responding to JetSetPoker Support again.

Unfortunately, we are unable to ascertain the exact purpose of your inquiry, specifically, what you mean by "The one you just sent me was defective."

Our records verify that $20.00 was placed into at exactly 15:27:47 EST, which you then brought onto Tucker Ave and unfortunately lost through roughly 85 minutes of competitive gameplay.

Please expand your original inquiry in more detail, or let us know if there is anything else we can do to assist you.


Best regards,

Darren
JetSetPoker Support Team


So, Darren and Mr. Clue haven't met yet. This reply got me rolling, especially when I realized I wasted 85 minutes of my life in what he calls "competitive gameplay" and what I call "a big waste of time." So I couldn't resist, and had to reply:


Hmmm, I'll have to check my records, but 85 minutes seems like an awful lot of time. I seem to remember playing for just less than an hour and a half.

As far as defective, it's easy. That $20 didn't really win any pots. I've played with $20 on many other sites, and because I was able to win with various other $20's, I have to conclude that the $20 you guys sent me was defective. Does JetSet have a 30 day refund, or exchange policy of any kind? I did enjoy taking that $20 out for a spin, and it handles the curves pretty well, but I think I'd like to look at a $20 in another color perhaps. Thanks!

Morphy


Unfortunately for my faithful readers, here is where the journey ends. Our friend Darren, realizing that there's no possible way he could reply to get himself out of this situation, chose to ignore my last email completely, and did not grace my email box, nor this post, with a reply.

So there it is. Another blog entry comes to an end. Stay tuned for the next time, where we...ummm, well, I don't have anything planned, so you'll just have to wait!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Donkey Manifesto Interviews Lee Jones

Hello fellow Manifestites! This is it, the interview you've all been waiting for (or not, since I never mentioned who was going to be interviewed here) - the man behind the scenes, the one and only Lee Jones, PokerStars Poker Room Manager! In this interview, we touch on all of the subjects you, the viewers, want to see. The doom switch? It's here. Multiple accounts? It's here. Transsexual, one-legged midget tossing? Umm, no, that's not here. But the rest is here for your reading enjoyment.

Donkey Manifesto: We can read the bio on www.pokerstars.com, but tell us, in your own words, who IS Lee Jones?

Lee Jones: Who am I? Actually, two different guys. One is a poker-site-running adrenaline junkie. The other fellow is a family person who likes sitting around and playing his Scheerhorn resophonic guitar and his Wayne Henderson dreadnought six-string guitar. It gets crowded in here sometimes.

DM: How did you first get involved with PokerStars? Did you start out as the poker room manager, or did you have to clean the tables and deliver drinks and things to get your foot in the door?

LJ: I worked for PokerStars for three months before becoming the poker room manager. It gave me a chance to study with the veterans and learn from them before I took this role. Fortunately, I only had to bus tables for a week.

DM: Aside from your final table appearances at the big Sunday tournaments, what does the job of manager of an online poker room entail? Making sure that the server button is in the on position, plugging in loose cables...?

LJ: Actually, I have nothing to do with the hardware. They said something about slapping my hands if I got near the servers. I help with policy decisions, review escalations of customer issues, make posts to various poker forums, etc. My favorite bit of the job is talking to players via email, chatting at the table, and in person.

DM: Speaking of the Sunday tournaments, do you feel the blind structure/chip stacks allow for enough play? Many people feel it gets very crap-shooty towards the middle-late stages of the tourney. Are there plans to adjust the tourney structure, or is it good as is?

LJ: Actually, we just did a minor tweak to the tournament structure to address that - the early reviews are very positive. However...

[soapbox]
The PLAYERS are largely responsible for that dice throwing that's going on, and here's why: as the bubble starts to approach, they start stalling (a topic about which I just wrote in Card Player). And when they stall, guess what happens? They get fewer hands per level. When they get fewer hands per level, the blinds go up "faster". I've actually written a computer program to analyze the stack:blind ratios in our tournaments and to track how many hands get dealt at each level. The pre-bubble stalling is clearly a major component of the stack compression that you're seeing. No structure change is going to fix it as long as that clock-eating continues.
[/soapbox]

[DM Comment: This makes sense, but I'm not sure what can be done. A majority of the players in the Sunday tourneys satellite in, so the $350 or whatever prize for just making the money is a significant amount for them. The problem is, short of lowering the time bank/time allowed per move specifically during the bubble period, what else can be done?]

DM: Keeping on the topic of the Sunday tournaments, how long does it take you to come up with those witty remarks once people bust from the final table? Do you scope out the chip leaders a few tables out and start to come up with them? Or do you have a special software program that you can plug in online names and it spits out a witty one liner?

LJ: I have the sorted of twisted mind that thinks of those silly one-liners on the fly. Every once in a while I see one at the beginning of the final table and think "THERE'S a good one." The best one I ever did? Why, thank you for asking. It wasn't even when somebody busted out. I had shown up before the final table and so the railbirds were still chattering. One of them said, "Hey Lee - what's jennicide's home phone number?" Without dropping a beat, I replied: "Jennicide's home phone number is 867-5309." Sometimes I slay me :-).

[Morphy: First song I ever did in a band (I'm a bassist, for those who care). Boy does THAT bring back memories. The big question is: of the oodles of 16 year old fan-boys railing Jennicide, how many didn't get the reference and ran to their phones ?]

DM: What's your favorite salad dressing? Do you like croutons?

LJ: I'm actually not much of a salad dressing fan. I like 'em all, but in very small doses. It keeps the fat down and enhances the flavor of the salad. Not many people know this, but I lost about 35 pounds four years ago and have kept it off since. Salad dressing is not my friend. Croutons have to be fresh to be worth it. I make mine by getting French bread, chopping it into small pieces, dusting it with olive oil, basil, and garlic, and then baking in a 300-degree oven until crunchy. The resulting croutons go on the salad still warm. Yum.

DM: Of all the features on PokerStars, what are you proud of the most? What sets PokerStars above the rest of the sites?

LJ: The three best things about PokerStars:

1. The fundamental commitment to honesty and integrity. Nothing surpasses that.
2. The customer service. When we get new people into PokerStars, we often tell them, "Work hard to find a reason to say 'yes' to the customer." It's much more fun working for a company like that.
3. The software - our software is the best in the business, and we think
*daily* about how to make it even better.

Of course, if you go back and look at that list, you realize it all comes down to the people. My colleagues, across the organization, are the nuts, pure and simple.

[DM Comment: No, the word "the" was not added in as a post-interview edit.]

DM: Many people have talked about Stars and other sites having a so-called "doom switch." Can you tell us more about this? Is it really a switch, or is it more of a button? Along those lines, do you have a special "doom phone" that rings every time a particular player logs on so that you can run and put your "doom suit" on, slide down the "doom pole" go into the "doom control room" and flip the "doom switch" on?

LJ: Unfortunately, I can't even make jokes about this. I'd like to (and we routinely make the jokes ourselves during the staff tournaments). But it's kind of like joking about bombs in airports. There are too many people that really believe it, so I can't even make a joke about it for fear of that quote appearing, implying serious context, on pocketfives or whatever.

While I'm here, can I say something about the PokerStars staff tournaments? No - there is no prize. Not a good parking place for a month. Not a free pizza or anything else. It's our only chance to play on the site and it gives us a chance to put the same bad beats that we inflect on you folks daily.

[DM Comment: You mean people on the internet might read something meant as sarcasm and take it literally? No way! It's too bad the believers of the doom switch can't have an out of body experience to see how incredibly stupid they look.]

DM: I've heard PokerStars referred to as RiverStars several times while playing on the site. Is the PokerStars building located on a river of some sort, or other body of water?

LJ: What I love is playing on other sites (because of course I can't play on PokerStars). Whenever a whacky river card comes up, some genius will always say "That could *only* happen on *THIS* site." Yes, except for all the other ones. And furthermore, we don't deal any more whacky river cards than we deal turn cards. I never see us being called "Turnstars". Can you explain *that* to me?

[Morphy: Well, it's funny you mention that. Just the other night Muk and I were discussing the phenomenon that was quickly coined "The turn of a thousand draws." :)]

DM: Online poker can be a dark and evil place. There are a lot of idiots out there, and a lot of people looking to cheat the system in order to make money. With all of the possible cheating methods out there, could you tell me a little more about how Stars is going to prevent what many feel is the biggest problem the site faces; that is, people using ugly baby pictures as their avatars?

LJ: Well, I wasn't going to discuss this in today's interview, but because you asked... we have acquired some advanced pattern recognition software from the U.S. military. We are devoting a server to running this software full-time for the recognition and removal of ugly baby pictures. In fact, I have actually had conversations with Mike O'Malley at Party Poker about sharing the names of players who put ugly avatars on our site because we assume that anybody doing that is probably cheating in other, though less serious, ways as well.

[DM Comment: Have you also considered contacting www.darwinawards.com to see if something can be done before these people are allowed to breed again?]

DM: Recently Stars announced that 100,000 people were online simultaneously. Many people have speculated that the "poker boom" has reached its peak, but based on these numbers and the ever increasing numbers in the Sunday tourneys, it doesn't appear to be peaking anytime soon. What are your thoughts on this? Do you think online poker has reached its peak? What do you see as the typical online average number of players on PokerStars, say, 2 years from now?

LJ: According to my calculations, we will have every man, woman, and child on the planet playing at PokerStars within five years. We are already starting an affiliate program on Rigel 7.

[DM Comment: Sign up with PokerStars now and receive a free 10oz vial of space dust!]

DM: For a more controversial topic, obviously you're aware of the situation with JJProdigy, and more recently, the situation with ZeeJustin. Let's take Zee for example. One of the lesser-known theories is that Zee had multiple personalities, as well as imaginary friends. From what I understand, he is considering suing Party Poker because he feels that while having separate accounts for his multiple personalities might be bordering on illegal activity, there's no way Party should have closed the accounts of his imaginary friends. He's claiming pain and suffering damages due to their poor attitudes at his tea parties. Do you have any comments on this, or are you burned out on the topic of cheating?

LJ: Actually, I just finished reading "Sybil" - a legendary book about a woman who was diagnosed with sixteen separate personalities, two of whom were male (the story is true). It occurred to me that this would give a whole new meaning to the concept of "switching gears". Eventually (through hard work and psychotherapy) her 16 personalities were integrated back together. It made her happier, but probably cost her enormous poker EV.

DM: Right now you’re in Monte Carlo for the European Poker Tour event. Tell me about some of the places you’ve been able to visit while “on the job.” Do you have any stories you would like to share?

LJ: I've been very fortunate to see some wonderful and interesting places as part of my job with PokerStars. Unfortunately, I'm often parked in a ballroom that's been turned into a poker room. So perhaps I should say that I've been in ballrooms in some of the most exotic places in the world. However, it's a honor and a privilege working with the PokerStars staff at these events and the opportunity to put on the top quality tournaments we do is well worth the sacrifice of missing the beach or the Cirque du Soleil show.


Lee, we want to thank you for your time and effort to make this interview happen. Feel free to stop by and say hi when you can, and we hope that PokerStars continues to get better in every way for the poker community. Manifestites, until next time!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy and Muk

A Donkey Manifesto on the Donkey Manifesto

Manifestite and fellow blogger Jacksnfive sends this story, courtesy of her blog. GREAT stuff!

http://jacksnfive.livejournal.com/10048.html

Morphy

Donkey Math, Donkey Spelling, and Donkey Logic

As some of you may know, my wife and I like to play SNG’s together on various sites. People have asked us why we don’t just play against each other with real cards and real chips. Well, as the worst headsup player in the world (that’s me), I try to avoid headsup play whenever possible. For the record, we don’t cheat. In fact, she guns for me way too often, and we play a very competitive game.

Wow, I just wrote this up, and it’s 10 pages in MS Word. My apologies up front for the length, but this is too good to pass up.

Since we play low buyin SNG’s, we run into all sorts of things, tonight being no exception. Things were going along fine until about hand, well, hand 2. “LuvlyItalianGrl” calls a raise preflop with Jc9c, and proceeds to call her stack away on a board that started out J high, got worse for her going to Q high, then even worse when 3 spades hit. She lost to a flush, who was betting his hand aggressively the whole way, with her flat calling. The chat started out as typical idiot chat, but when I got her going, man, she really got going…

LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): fish
Deweypc20: not luvly
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): learn how 2 play moron
XaQ Morphy: lolol
Deweypc20: luvly girls don't talk like that
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): who the hell wastes like 1000 chips on a draw??
XaQ Morphy: you do?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): Anyonelse here?
Deweypc20: me
Deweypc20: if I got 10000 chips
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): then u suck
FunkyRed: it's a $5 SNG FFs
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im just trying to make a point that people really syck
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): some people
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): suck
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i dont care about the %4 i can care less
XaQ Morphy: I agree
XaQ Morphy: you should start a campaign to get people to play correct poker
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i have one more money in my cashier than Tito the fagot
Deweypc20: one more?
Deweypc20: that's it, just one?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): y arent you talking tito??
TiToSFC: want some cheeeese
XaQ Morphy: me one more money, lots of money, me have lots one more money
Deweypc20: lmao
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): what wrong tito am i making lots of sence??
Deweypc20: laughing with you luvly not at you lol
XaQ Morphy: sence?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): ok
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): thats fine
XaQ Morphy: I'm laughing at you
TiToSFC: its call POKER
Deweypc20: cents?
XaQ Morphy: if that matters
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): you someing you suck at
TiToSFC: if u cant deal with it u should not play
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): get a new job tito
XaQ Morphy: wow, the rail seems to be irritated tonight
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i dont care about $5
Deweypc20: if you knew the game you'd know you'll win out in the end on plays like that
Deweypc20: so get over it
FunkyRed: then leave already
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u just piss me off, i bet you think your great at it
XaQ Morphy: or stay, and make an idiot of yourself, I like that
Deweypc20: lol
Deweypc20: luvly idiot indeed
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u guys are the idiots, i was trying something new and $5 games really do have sucky people
Deweypc20: whiny ppl too
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u wont see me at a $5 game ever again
Dealer: XaQ Morphy shows a pair of Queens

Right about this time my QQ ran into AJ on a J high flop and obviously I was drawing dead. Besides, I had something much more interesting to do here. Also note that even though Dewey wasn’t involved in any of the hands, he was having just as much fun as I was egging this idiot on.

Deweypc20: good go back to play money
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): haha
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): very funny
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i have way more $4 than u
Deweypc20: i know I giggled too
XaQ Morphy (Observer): luvly, is your native language english?
Deweypc20: 4 more?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i ment$$
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i hit the four by mistake
Deweypc20: one more?
Deweypc20: won more?
FunkyRed: how old are you?? You need to go back to school
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): more money loser
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): more $$
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): get it??
FunkyRed: SPELLING.. get it?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): unfortunately, yes, I got it
XaQ Morphy (Observer): you = idiot
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): who was talking to u anywayz??
XaQ Morphy (Observer): you were talking to the entire table you nitwit
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): ur out loser
XaQ Morphy (Observer): why yes, I am
XaQ Morphy (Observer): but I bet I have one more money than you!
FunkyRed: ItalianBaby is more like it
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): but i do think you had the better hand by farrrrrr
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u should have won
XaQ Morphy (Observer): it's poker, I lost, you don't see me whining like a baby about it now, do you?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im over that, im just talking to the fagots that have only $5 in there accountLuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): poor bastards
XaQ Morphy (Observer): lol, you need some serious help, you realize this, right?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): what are you offended
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): do u only have $5?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): no, amused...stupid people amuse me
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): ???
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): $5???
XaQ Morphy (Observer): exactly
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i see im sorry your poor
XaQ Morphy (Observer): my what?
TiToSFC: this is funny as hell
XaQ Morphy (Observer): yes it is
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i pray this isnt your only job
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I pray your native language isn't english
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): hahaha you suck !#@
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): K8 haha
TiToSFC: LMAO
XaQ Morphy (Observer): says the person who loses with J9
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i had the whole hand until the stupid draw
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): honestly he sucks
XaQ Morphy (Observer): yes, you played that hand perfectly, including when you called all your chips away with the losing hand
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): jrr would you lose 1000 chips on a draw?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): jrr, would you lose 1500 chips with Jc9c on a Q high board with 3 spades?
Deweypc20: chemical inbalance is all I can think of
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i was hoping he wasnt that stupid
XaQ Morphy (Observer): and he was hoping you were
Deweypc20: unreal you're still here
Deweypc20: funny tho
XaQ Morphy (Observer): for the record, I'm only here to document this experience
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): why are you rtill here XaQ?
Deweypc20: lol you're cool
XaQ Morphy (Observer): http://donkeymanifesto.blogspot.com
XaQ Morphy (Observer): ty dewey
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): wow are you like 12??
Deweypc20: nice put me in there
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I expect to have this encounter written up sometime this evening
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): donkey??
XaQ Morphy (Observer): no, I'm 33, thanks for asking
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): haha who gos on those websites?
Deweypc20: you do shortly I bet
FunkyRed: LOL

Brilliant counter by Dewey. Well played, sir!

XaQ Morphy (Observer): who? people who enjoy watching stupid people flounder in their own filth
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u wont see me on there no matter what u say
Deweypc20: uh oh, what'd they write about me?
Deweypc20: gotta go check it out
TiToSFC: this is better than REALITY TV
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): wow thats so pathetic
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): deweysucks &$#@alot
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): kinda like that
XaQ Morphy (Observer): sorry dear, I think you have the market on pathetic all tied up
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): yea right ok
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u just suck as well
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): as tito
XaQ Morphy (Observer): says 9th place
TiToSFC: lmao
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): its only cause tito sucks
XaQ Morphy (Observer): hey luvly, are you done? I have a blog entry to write up
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): go ahead, i dont mind being on that site
XaQ Morphy (Observer): but if you wish to stay around and give us some other insights into your world, I'll be happy to stay
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): its for loser anywayz
TiToSFC: please don't go

Here I’m not sure if Tito wants me to stay, or wants LuvlyItalianDonkey to stay. What starts to happen next had me just rolling.

LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im not
FunkyRed: that's why you will be great on there
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): r u talking 2me?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i dont care what people think or say
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I believe he is, your charming personality is such that he just can't continue on without your presence
TiToSFC: that a girl
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): listen, i didnt mean to disturb anyone, i just hate draws more than anything in poker
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): even if i wasnt in the hand
XaQ Morphy (Observer): lol
XaQ Morphy (Observer): perhaps poker isn't your game?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): maybe try go fish...oh wait, there are draws there too
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i just do this for fun, i have a nice job :-)
XaQ Morphy (Observer): war?
TiToSFC: lol
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): wars fun
Jrr1x: I appreciate the entertainment while I fold out of a few hands...thx all
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): sorry if i offended anyone
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): ur welcome
TiToSFC: u didn't
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): ok
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): but i wasnt talking 2 u
XaQ Morphy (Observer): lol no offense here, you're going to be famous soon
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): just kidding
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): famous, sounds good
Deweypc20: bi
Deweypc20: polar
XaQ Morphy (Observer): not really the kind of famous I would be proud about
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): ur bi polar
Deweypc20: lol
Deweypc20: you kill lots of cows
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): where did you hear and learn about bi polar? from your doctor??
Deweypc20: nope just made it up watching you
Deweypc20: new term

Ok, so that’s crazy enough. She seems to be apologetic, and tries to justify it by saying she hates draws in poker. If that doesn’t seem crazy enough, just wait. We have a new version of “my dad can kick your dad’s ass” coming right up.

LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u guys should play against my bro, hes awesome. he'll kick all your ass's
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): he made $900 in like 2 or 3 days by $5 games
XaQ Morphy (Observer): lol @ that
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u try that
XaQ Morphy (Observer): he would have to play 24 hours straight for 2-3 days to make that much
XaQ Morphy (Observer): so gtfoh with that bull
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im serious
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i admit i cant do it, so im not lying
TiToSFC: r u really italian??
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): yes and pround of it
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): proud
XaQ Morphy (Observer): it's not even possible to win that much playing $5 SNG's in that amount of time...so if you're going to make something up, make it believable
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im serous!!
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): serious
Deweypc20: cereal
XaQ Morphy (Observer): flake?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): it was either that or $10 games but for aome reason i think $5
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): some reason
XaQ Morphy (Observer): other than the fact that it isn't possible, I'm sure you are serious
Deweypc20: lol
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u dont have to believe me, like i said i dont care what people think
XaQ Morphy (Observer): that's about the most obvious statement I've seen
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i saw the money in his cashier
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i dont no how else he's get it there
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): he doesnt have a bank account
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): he uses someone elses very rarely

So I consulted Manifestite, RGPer, and expert on the diet coke of rampages, FellKnight (http://www.fellknight.com/) to see that based on an absurd ROI (that’s return on investment) of .6 (or 60%), how many SNG’s would have to be played in order to win $900 at the $5 level.

For some quick background info for non-poker players, or those that aren’t SNG players: a SNG is a single table tournament with 9 or 10 people in them depending on site, that pay the top 3 spots. A typical winning player’s in the money rate is about 40%, and the ROI is about .2. That’s expecting 20% of a buyin back per SNG played, in the long run. SNG’s do have the least variance of any poker game, but to expect something like a 60% ROI in the long run is not possible.

Based on that, we have some real interesting donkey math covered below…

XaQ Morphy (Observer): well
XaQ Morphy (Observer): figure an absurdly impossible win rate, and it would take 300 SNG's to win enough to make $900
XaQ Morphy (Observer): figure 1 hour per SNG, that's 300 hours
XaQ Morphy (Observer): there's 48 hours in 2 days, 72 hours in 3 days
XaQ Morphy (Observer): since you hate draws, I imagine you aren't very good at math, so I'll explain it to you, it isn't possible
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): well
XaQ Morphy (Observer): let the recant begin!

Note that there was a good 2 minute pause here. I thought she gave up, but no, the real good stuff begins here!

LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): its possible but very hard
XaQ Morphy (Observer): lolololol
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): extremely hard
XaQ Morphy (Observer): have you invented some sort of time machine?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): maybe it was the $10 games
XaQ Morphy (Observer): ummm
XaQ Morphy (Observer): you really aren't good at math, are you?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i dont know, hes not here right now
XaQ Morphy (Observer): did he count all the grains of sand on a beach one afternoon, too?
Deweypc20: then drank 400 beers in one evening
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): its possible with the $10 games
XaQ Morphy (Observer): hahahahahaahha
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): if your so good at math,. you should no
XaQ Morphy (Observer): well let's see
Deweypc20: wow
XaQ Morphy (Observer): assuming the same win rate, that's 150 SNG's
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): it is possible with the $10 games
XaQ Morphy (Observer): and there's still only 72 hours in 3 days
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): 72 x 45???
XaQ Morphy (Observer): ummm
XaQ Morphy (Observer): wtf is that?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): 45 dollars
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): 1st and what ever 2nd is
XaQ Morphy (Observer): so you're saying he can win 72 SNG's in a row?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): not in a row, 1st and 2nd and 3rd
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): he really is good
Deweypc20: don't forget money put in
XaQ Morphy (Observer): what in the world are you talking about?
Deweypc20: only profit of 35
XaQ Morphy (Observer): $34
XaQ Morphy (Observer): cause it's $10 + $1
Deweypc20: lol right
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): well 72 X 45 is 3240
XaQ Morphy (Observer): and the best SNG players in the world can't maintain a cash rate of 50%, much less 100%
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): there is enough
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): for buy in
XaQ Morphy (Observer): ok wait
XaQ Morphy (Observer): so you're saying that your brother cashed in 72 SNG's in a row?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): it doesnt have to be in a row
XaQ Morphy (Observer): it does if he does it in 3 days!
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): there over $3000 in 72 hours
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): for the $10 games
XaQ Morphy (Observer): my god, you are just all out stupid, aren't you?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): why dont u get it??
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): ur the stupid 1
XaQ Morphy (Observer): lololololol
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): its possible i just did the math 4 u
XaQ Morphy (Observer): lol yes, you are right
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): just cause you suck doesnt mean u have to doubt everyone

So here I am pasting some of this to Fell, and we’re having a good laugh at it. All I’m really interested in at this point is to keep her typing.

XaQ Morphy (Observer): can you go over the math for me again, I want to make sure my readers get it
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im not saying im the greatest but u kinda do suck
XaQ Morphy (Observer): let's get back to the math here
XaQ Morphy (Observer): can you go over it again for me, please?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): y do i need to go over the math again?LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im right, its still there
Deweypc20: lol
Deweypc20: to make you famous
XaQ Morphy (Observer): well, because for one, you were completely wrong, and for another, I'd like to try and see the reasoning again
XaQ Morphy (Observer): well that too
Deweypc20: hehe
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): whats 72 X say $35?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): $2520
XaQ Morphy (Observer): ok, right
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): there way enough for $900

Ummm, ok I think I follow the “logic” here. Based on previous talks, she’s saying that since there are 72 hours in 3 days, a SNG takes 1 hour to complete, and 72 x $35 = $2520 ($34 is the profit for taking 1st place in a $10 SNG), there’s plenty of money left over for the ones that he doesn’t win to make $900. I don’t have to point out that it’s not humanly possible to play 72 hours straight, do I?

One thing that the nits will bring up is that if the guy played multiple tables, he could possibly reach this goal. Don’t go there guys. Go out and get laid or download some porn or something. Thanks, appreciate it.

LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): actually u can make more
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): with all the left over money
XaQ Morphy (Observer): so how does that make it that he won $900 in 3 days?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): but you gotta be a pro for that
XaQ Morphy (Observer): LOL
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): r u slow?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): no, this is hilarious, that's all
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i explained it so many times
XaQ Morphy (Observer): you don't know the first thing about win rates, yet you think I'm the stupid one
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): u are
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im saying he placed most of the time
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): its not that hard
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): if you really good
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): good
XaQ Morphy (Observer): holy %&!@ chicky-poo, you might have made it to the donkey hall of fame on your first entry!
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): they also get to see how stupid u r
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): cant do math

LOL, so I’m the one that can’t do math. I love it. Now I admit that I’m not the greatest at math, but I’m good enough to know that you don’t take 72 x 35 and all of a sudden have the theory of relativity staring you in the face!

XaQ Morphy (Observer): ok, so math expert, tell me something
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): what?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): assuming a pro is playing a bunch of amateurs in $10 SNG's, over 100, how many of them would the pro win?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): if you really good you can cash in like 50 of them
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): but if you win 20-25
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): im talking 1st
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): for the 20-25
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): $45 X 25 wins = #1125
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): $
XaQ Morphy (Observer): wow
XaQ Morphy (Observer): you're good at math
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): what did you come up with?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i was going on 100 wins
XaQ Morphy (Observer): well, figure the typical in the money rate is 40%, with the breakout being 14% for 1sts, 13% for 2nds and 13% for 3rds, a hell of a lot less than $1125!
XaQ Morphy (Observer): besides, if someone plays 100 and wins 25 of them what happens to the money when they don't win?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): if they place, they still made money
XaQ Morphy (Observer): so you're saying they will place in all 100 of the ones they played?
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): listen like i said you dont have to believe me, i saw the cashier i know its true
XaQ Morphy (Observer): was she pretty?
XaQ Morphy (Observer): the cashier, that is
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): and there was no past transactions
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): it does work, if your really good, and i am talking really good, hes been playing for years
XaQ Morphy (Observer): well, I can't beat that
LuvlyItalianGrl (Observer): i'll be right back
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I won't
XaQ Morphy (Observer): I have writing to do

So there we have it. He’s been playing for years, and is really good, so obviously he can win everything he plays. How can I argue with that logic??? Shout out to Dewey and Tito, and my apologies to the rest of the table for what they had to endure, but man, once I got going with that, how could I possibly stop?

Yours donkily,

Morphy

Donkerview of the Month: FellKnight

Welcome again fellow Manifestites. Today we have a new feature for you, the interview of the week/day/month/year/whatever. Yes, there are a lot of sites that do interviews of semi-famous people, but there are very few that I’m aware of that are willing to take that chance, go the extra mile, and ask questions that others just don’t have the guts to put into their interviews.

For our first interview, we talk to RGPer and fellow Manifestite FellKnight. Fell recently announced his leave of absence from his job to pursue his dream of becoming a poker pro. I’m sure you will find this interview simply fascinating. So, without further babble, on with the interview!

Morphy: We here at the Manifesto want to ask the questions the other sites are afraid to ask. We want to give our readers a chance to get to know our interviewees. So, tell us something interesting about yourself. No, I mean something interesting.

Fell: I'm a poker player by night, an enlisted man by day, you really think I have anything interesting to say about myself? You gotta be kidding me...

Morphy: What's your favorite food?

Fell: Pizza. Just ask GambleAB and veeRob

Morphy: Just what the hell is a FellKnight anyway?

Fell: It was a monster from the Diablo II video game. I liked the ring of it, and have been using it as my online moniker ever since.

Morphy: Diablo, eh? Just as a guess, how many cows do you think you've killed?

Fell: Thousands. Tens of thousands.

Morphy: You seem to be very good at poker. What color is your chair?

Fell: Black. My life revolves around the color black.

Morphy: So you work for the Canadian military, eh? So, eh, I really don't have a question here, eh, I just thought this would be funny as it is, eh?

Fell: Why do you have no Polar Bears on the streets of New York? Jeez, you put us down all the time, but if we were gone, you'd be all like "AAAHHH!! POLAR BEARS!!! SEND FOR THE CANUCKS!!!"

Morphy: One of the hot topics in the online forums these days is the cheating by using multiple accounts. As you may know, JJProdigy did not return emails requesting an interview here, so unfortunately, you'll have to do. The big question here is relating to cheating in online poker. Taking this topic into consideration, do you feel it is best to have the sound up or down when playing online poker?

Fell: Up. But that's because I don't cheat. I could imagine somebody playing 6 accounts in the same tournament on Pacific Poker for example and the buzzer ringing every second. That would suck. Hey, maybe that's why none of the big names play at Pacific. EUREKA!

Morphy: In your opinion, who is a better player, JJProdigy, or his grandma?

Fell: His grandma won the tournament right?

Morphy: Do you have any advice for young, aspiring poker players such as yourself? I mean, like, what kind of car gets the best gas mileage for delivering pizzas?

Fell: I'd imagine one of those smartcar dealies, but that's not very efficient when you need to transport 15 pies. Judging by the cars that the delivery boys around here drive, I'll have to go with a Chevette.

Morphy: Ok, strategy question here. You have AK on the button. UTG raised 3xBB, MP re-raised to 6xBB. The question is, have you ever worn one of those hats with the can holders and straws attached?

Fell: Nope. I always figured I'd have to wait until I died and went to heaven for that.

Morphy: In your opinion, and not just taking into consideration the number of posts, which troll do you think has produced the most humor on RGP: A) the stop-and-go in the dark troll, B) the rampaging troll, or C) CincyKid's wife expecting a baby?

Fell: I didn't realize that a troll rampaged RGP. Oh wait, I guess that would be a dungeons and dragons thing. Well, we all know that CincyKid would never lie to us on RGP, so I'll go with the stop-and-go in the dark troll.

Morphy: Another hot topic in the online community is rigged poker sites. There are many, many theories out there from many, many people as to what sites may or may not be rigged, how the sites are rigged, who they are rigged against, etc. So that said, do you think these people are drunk, or forgot to refill their prescriptions?

Fell: All of the above?
*ring*
"Uh, hello?"
*inaudible muttering*
"Oh no, that's terrible! I'll be right over!"

Uh, hey look, its been a blast, but I gotta go, uh, do something. Take care manifestites!
Fell


Hmmm, well, it seems Fell had something else to do. You know, between the Canadian military and playing poker, I can’t imagine he has much free time. Or something.

Stay tuned, as we ask the questions no one else is willing to ask. You want to know intimate details of your favorite, or not-so-favorite semi-famous people? This is the only place to get them!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

Where's My Donking Time Machine!?!?

Among some of my pet peeves are incompetence and the inability to read. Unfortunately I see stuff like what I'm about to write about all the time. Email seems to bring out the stupid in normally semi-intelligent people. I'm breaking a rule of mine that I don't write about work related items on this blog, but I just can't let this pass up, so I'll be as vague as possible with unnecessary details.

There’s this item that is having a problem at work. Last week late Friday we talked about it, but one of the key individuals (our Donkey for this post) wasn’t present. Monday was a company holiday, so talk resumed yesterday. It was decided that a group of us needs to get together to discuss the next steps. Thus starts the emails…

Boss to us: Meeting request, 2/22/06 10:00am-10:30am.

Me to group: Boss, we have a meeting from 10:00am-11:00am for (insert name of large important project here). Could we reschedule this for another time?

So far, this sounds pretty straight forward. Enter Donkey:

Donkey to group: How about 10:30am?

(THUD), as my head hits the desk. Donkey hasn’t been the brightest of people since he started at the company, but man, can we at least tell time ffs? So meanwhile I talk to the boss to find out what other times he can make. He said based on the fact that the meeting is 30 minutes, he can either make 11am or it will have to wait until 4pm. I also discovered that because I replied to the email, I’m now in charge of getting a new time set up.

Me to group: Our meeting will still be going on at 10:30am. Does 11am work? I talked with the boss and he has time at 11am, but after that his first opening is 4pm.

Donkey to group: How about 11:30? 11 is a daily meeting with the team involved in this issue.

So here we have 2 attempts at scheduling a freaking meeting that have failed. It’s a meeting, people. Pick a time and go. Figure out how many minutes are needed, look at your calendar, and pick a time. It’s not brain surgery. The boss stated pretty clearly that for a 30 minute meeting, 11 or 4 are the times that work. So I talk to the boss, we have a few laughs at Donkey’s expense, and he moves things around to accommodate the 11:30am time. Everything is set, and half the company is then invited to the meeting, which is a conference call for most people, since many of them are half-way across the country.

Fast forward to today, meeting day. It’s 11am and I’m hungry. But no, I need to wait until after this meeting to eat. If there’s one thing that bothers me almost as much as incompetence, it’s when people fuck with my lunch time. Waiting and waiting, and 11:30am comes along. I jump on the conference call, and there’s confusion. To make a somewhat long story a bit shorter, it turns out that Donkey is still in his 11am meeting, which is scheduled for an hour.

Now my head hurts, and I just wasted more time writing with this. And I’m still hungry!

Yours Donkily,

Morphy

========================================

Update...

Boss sends out a new meeting request for 2:00-2:30pm today.

Key person to group: Conflict at this time - I can't avoid. Am available at 3:00pm for 30 minutes and 5:00pm or later...

Donkey to group: key person's attendance is critical. Boss, can we try for 4:00?

My god. How fucking hard is it to tell time? Now he makes key person almost seem like a jerk for having to explain to him how to read a fucking clock. I'm pretty sure this asshat makes about twice what I do, which makes me sick!

I really hope I don't have any more updates to this, but based on what I've seen so far, there's a really good chance I'll have another!

Donkeys, Wheels, and Snow

Hello fellow Manifestites! Hey, look at that, another month has gone by, and apparently I'm not being very diligent in updating the blog. Believe it or not, I just haven't seen too many things that were blog-worthy in the last 2 months. I haven't run into too many idiots at the poker tables, and the new year brought a start to a new job, where things are going very well. So for that, I apologize, but I do have some ideas for keeping posts somewhat regular. We'll just see if I'm motivated enough to actually do something with these ideas.

Wisconsin winter is upon us. So far we've been spared most of what we usually get. However, that didn't stop me from nearly crippling myself on what must have been the only patch of ice in the city. Earlier this week I was walking in from the garage, and slipped on a small patch of ice on the corner of one of the back stairs. My left ankle rolled pretty good, and I imagine the next 7-8 steps could have landed me on America's Funniest Home Videos. You see, my thoughts weren't that I damn near broke my ankle. My thoughts were "shit, I don't want to fall face first in the snow." So, here I was, basically running with my body parallel to the ground trying to stay upright. A few hours later my left ankle was swollen to the size of a softball, my right thigh was pulled, and my right hip felt like it had been dislocated. A little self-donk here :)

Today I witnessed what almost ended up being a 3 donk pile up. Let me try to set the scene. I'm in the left turn lane at a fairly major intersection, and my light is red. I'm headed east, ready to turn north. Donk A was a women in a mini-van. She was traveling northbound, in the left lane, making a left turn to head westbound. Donk B was cool guy in a Ford Escort (yes, I realize how ridiculous that sounds). He was in the left land headed southbound.

What happens next was pretty funny, but hard to explain. Cool Donk isn't turning eastbound, (this is important, remember this); he's headed south, and since his light is green, he has the right of way and is moving through the intersection. Donk A was on the phone, and making a left turn. She had her turn signal on, saw Cool Donk headed southbound, but decided to pull into the intersection anyway. Now, what usually happens in these situations is both drivers will put the brakes on, which is exactly what happened. However, what I didn't mention was that Cool Donk had about a foot of snow on the roof of his car. Well, it was nice and sunny today, and snow was melting everywhere. The act of him putting his brakes on caused the snow to slide forward, covering his entire windshield, and completely obstructing his view. Donk A (mini-donk?) stares at him trying to figure out what he's going to do. Cool Donk, not thinking of the fact that he has windshield wipers, gets out of his car, and, without any gloves on, proceeds to start wiping the snow off of his windshield. Mini-donk just stares at him for a second or so, wondering if she's really seeing this donk standing in the middle of the intersection, with no gloves on (well, come on, you can't be Cool Donk if you don't wear your gloves! Who cares if it's 17 degrees out!), wiping the snow off of his windshield. She finally decides enough of it, and she's going to finish making her turn. Note that by now, with all the movement, her turn signal is no longer on.

But wait, there's more! Enter 900 year old grandma in a cadillac donk (GC Donk), who is traveling southbound in the right lane. As most 900 year old GC Donks will do, she approaches the intersection at the breakneck speed of about 12 miles per hour. I can only imagine what she thought when she saw a mini-van in the middle of the intersection, poised to turn but with no turn signal on, and a total donkey jumping up and down, rubbing his hands together, an wiping snow from his windshield. So, naturally she decides to put her brakes on. Mini-donk finally sees her and puts her brakes on. GC Donk starts to go. Mini-Donk decides to go. GC Donk puts her brakes on again. Mini-donk puts her brakes on again. The game of chicken is on! Meanwhile, Cool Donk is just standing next to his car with his mouth wide open, rubbing his frost-bitten hands together. I imagine the only thing running through his mind was cold air. He gets in his car and proceeds through the intersection, which is a good thing, because meanwhile, the game of chicken has finally chosen a winner. GC Donk decides she's going to pull around to the LEFT of Mini-Donk, and proceed through the intersection. Mini-donk floors it, and continues with her left turn. I get about 3 seconds to sit there and process everything that happened, and then my light turns green.

As I finish making my turn, I ask myself, "hey self, why did I ask the Manifestites to remember that Cool Guy wasn't turning?" Oh yes, I nearly forgot! I looked up in the rearview mirror to see that Cool Guy made a U-turn and was now turning right, to head eastbound. Unbelievable. No, I believe it. I just am glad I was there to witness this triple act of donkness.

Until next time Manifestites. Next time may be tomorrow, it may be next week, or it may be next month, but until I say there is no next time, there will be a next time. So, until then. Or something.

Morphy

Legal Age for Donkey Hunting?

Good evening loyal Manifestites! Pull up a chair, and let's talk about this episode's featured donkey, Wisconsin Republican Rep. Scott Gunderson. Mr. Gunderson feels that we should be putting guns into the hands of our children.

Ok, so it's not quite that straight forward, but here, read for yourself:

http://www.wsaw.com/home/headlines/2214081.html

For those that aren't aware, deer hunting is pretty big in the state of Wisconsin. It's a time where crazy rednecks can get together, drink beer, freeze their asses off, and in extreme cases, shoot each other! (Look up the Chai Vang murder spree news for more info on this). Every once and a while they can actually see and/or shoot at and/or hit a deer.

Well, it seems that our Donkpublican friend Mr. Gunderson feels that kids are losing interest in hunting, and wants to lower the age that they are legally allowed to hunt. That doesn't sound too bad, right? Under normal circumstances, no, it sounds perfectly acceptable. But this donkey has decided that the age of 8 (that's EIGHT for those who read Nigerian 419) is the perfect age to put a gun into a child's hand and have them blow the brains out of what hopefully ends up being a deer, and not Uncle Jimmy.

Now, I'm all for stupid people killing each other to thin the dumbass population, but this is taking it a little to far. What's worse is apparently this bill has already passed the state assembly, no doubt a group of beer drinking, pickup driving rednecks who all have 8 (EIGHT) year old boys, and is one step closer to becoming a law.

Maybe I'm wrong, and 8 (EIGHT) year olds really need to start learning how to shoot, kill, gut, and clean a deer while drinking beer and freezing their assess off. Or maybe this is just a bill that puts Darwinism into action, by hopefully killing off the parents who are stupid enough to give their 8 (EIGHT) year old child a gun and tell them to go chase deer around in the woods.

Stay tuned here in November in case this bill passes, because I'm sure the death of Uncle Jimmy will be a tragic story.

Until next time!

Morphy

Absolute Donke-mail

I have to start this post off with an apology. I apologize because I've let my readers down over the last few months by not posting very much of anything. When this whole thing started, I figured I would easily be able to come up with one post a week or so, and at worst slip to one every two weeks. Well, as you can see, that didn't happen.

2005 was a terrible year for the Morphy family. I won't go into too many details, but it included 2 major surgeries, getting screwed out of short term disability, 3 job changes in 12 months, a death in the family, some asshat hitting my car in the church parking lot on Christmas Eve, and the 2 year old running away from us into a crowd and up an elevator in a mall. Looking back, that would make a pretty good entry in itself, but we were all pretty shaken up over it. It ended with me telling the customer service lady off after we got our daughter back, because when we first went to her to report it, she told us she was busy helping another lady in line with a gift certificate. But, I have to say that 2006 is looking better already. Other than coming down with walking pneumonia, I started a new promising job at a large company here in the area, and things are slowly coming together nicely.

Before I get into this post, I want to know what people like about the Manifesto. I don't see many comments posted even when I request them, but the hit counter goes up fairly consistently, despite the lack of new material. I know a lot of the readers are from RGP, but are there any of you out there that just found this blog, or don't have a clue what RGP is, or even possibly found RGP through this blog? Let me know. Leave a comment, or if you prefer to stay relatively anonymous, email me: xaqmorphy@gmail.com.

So today I was looking through my email and I realized I completely forgot about an entry submitted by a loyal Manifestite. My apologies goes out to Pat, who, due to my error, will receive a complimentary free month of the Manifesto, on us. Pat writes about an issue he had with Absolute Poker, in regards to one of their promotions. The promotion reads:

Enter any real money Omaha, Omaha H/L, Stud or Stud H/L multi table tournament before midnight, December 31st, 2005, and we will reimburse you 100% of your buy-in amount, up to $20 in unrestricted cash. Enjoy a free tournament on Absolute Poker! Please email Support@AbsolutePoker.com with “Free Tourney” in the subject line, indicating the date and multi table tournament number that you played in, and Support will add the cash to your account within 24 hours This is a ONE TIME ONLY offer.

He said that the last time they had a similar promotion, he finished in the money (well done!) and received his buy-in back. So he looks for a $20 tourney and there are none. However, he sees a $10 tourney with rebuys (for non poker playing people, a rebuy tourney allows you to buy a certain amount of chips anytime you go broke, usually for the first hour or so. In this case, the tourney entry fee is $10, and $10 gets you a new set of chips if you decide to buy them). Pat wanted to know if this promotion would cover this tourney, so he fired off this email:

There are no $20 Omaha/Stud MTT's, but there is a $10 Omaha H/L MTT with rebuys. Does this promotion mean you will reimburse up to $20 for the $10 rebuy MTT?

Absolute replied:

Thank you for your e-mail.

It DOES include the rebuy tourneys, UP TO $20 TOTAL, including the rebuys or add ons.

If you want to take advantage of the promotion, please follow the instructions given on the coupon, and don't forget to include your nickname, e-mail address, tourney number, date played, etc.

Thank you,
Ann
Team Absolute - Customer Support

This seems straight forward enough. He plays the tourney, pays for it himself, and they reimburse him $20. So, if he plays a rebuy tourney, his first $10 entry fee gets paid for as well as one $10 rebuy. Sounds perfect, right? So he finds a $5 tourney with rebuys, plays, and busts 2 short of being in the money. Oh well, at least the tourney was free. He then emails them requesting reimbursement, including all of the information they requested. Absolute, however, decided to change their policy:

Thanks for your email. Let me tell you that this promotion reimburses only the amount you invested in the tournament, and it could be of up to $20.00.

The tournament #12345, had a buy-in fee of $5.00, please confirm that this is the tournament you want to redeem your coupon for. Note that this promotion expires until December 31st.

Thanks for playing at Absolute Poker! If there is anything else we can help you with, please let us know. We're here for you!

Sincerely,
Anayuri
Team Absolute - Customer Support

Hmmm, well, Anayuri doesn't seem to realize the policy, right? So Pat sends this email (note that rebuy tourneys also have addons, which allow you to pay an amount to add more chips on at the end of the rebuy period. There are single and double addon tourneys out there).

This is the correct tournament. My total investment was $20.

$5 Buy in, $5 rebuy, and double addon.

Absolute then replies:

I'll be more than pleased to help you out in the matter, as my coworker stated this coupon reimburse only the BUY IN FEE of the tourney you played, which is $5, we do not reimburse the total investment, only the BUY IN.

Please let us know if you still want to apply the bonus and I'll be more than glad to credit the $5 to your account.

Thanks for playing at Absolute Poker! If there is anything else we can help you with, please let us know. We're here for you!

Sincerely,
Marcela
Team Absolute - Customer Support

Now, it's not the money that he's after as much as the principle, as this has turned into one big mess of a miscommunication. He replies to them again, this time including the email from "Ann" which reinforces the fact that rebuys will be covered. Absolute again replies:

We apologize for the inconvenience, would you be so kind and please send us the table number and the hand number in order verify what happened.

Thanks for playing at Absolute Poker! If there is anything else we can help you with, please let us know. We're here for you!

Sincerely,
Javier
Team Absolute - Customer Support

Ummmm, table number? Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot...over?

Pat then replies explaining that he is asking about a promotion and that a hand number or table number won't help here. Absolute replies:

Thanks for contacting us!

I really apologize for the confusion and the inconveniences!

I am glad to inform you that your account has been credited with $20 for tournament #12345. Enjoy them!

Thanks for playing at Absolute Poker! If there is anything else we can help you with, please let us know. We're here for you!

Sincerely,
Gabriel
Team Absolute - Customer Support

Whew. Fortunately for Pat, Absolute was able to make good on their promotion. The sad thing is, it took 2 days, 4 different customer support reps, and 8 emails to get there.

I've ranted about customer service before, and I'll continue that rant. There's no reason this email chain should have happened. The problem is, these companies treat customer service as an entry level, minimum wage job (unless it's outsourced to some other country, in which case minimum wage would be an exponential increase), and as long as they have bodies answering calls and emails, they are happy. There are people out there who aren't as persistent as Pat or I would be, and will read one of the first emails and just assume they read something wrong, and take the $5. How much is enough? How many times do we have to see emails from employees of the same company contradicting one another? Unfortunately, I don't have an answer, and I don't see an end to the horrible customer service that these companies are providing.

Until next time, which I hope isn't too long!

Morphy

What State Am I In? Confusion?

Happy Donk Years everyone!

2006 has is here, and to bring in the new year, I have a nice case of pneumonia! Other than that, things are going well. I somehow survived 2005 and am ready for a new year full of donkey sightings.

This one comes to us from my local cable internet provider, and isn't the greatest entry, but remember, quantity over quality, and in case you haven't notice, we've been lacking in both lately. I won't give their name here, but it rhymes with Toad Gunner. I have had nothing but troubles dealing with the complete donkeys that work for this company, but since the connection has been good, I haven't looked at moving my service somewhere else.

So of course for the last 3 weeks or so I've been having connectivity problems in the evenings, where my internet connection would just drop. A simple DHCP renew brings back the connection, and it doesn't seem to happen with any regularity. It went away for a few weeks, but came back this week. So I went to Toad Gunner's support page and checked their network status.

Sure enough, under "Internet Connectivity" the status is Red, which stands for unplanned event/outage. The standard "...subscribers in this area may have problems...we apologize for any inconvenience..." message is listed. Then I notice the affected area, which is listed as WICONSON. I wasn't aware that the name of our state was so hard to spell, but I figured who knows, maybe the support company that is located in a small island in the Pacific somewhere isn't familiar with the spellings of each individual state, especially the ones with more than 3 letters. I decided to bring up their support chat page, so I can be told by a support donk that they can't help me and that I have to call another support donk to fix the problem. But that requires effort, and all I'm looking for is information as to why their internet connectivity for my state (or WICONSON, whatever the hell that is) has been an issue for almost a month now.

Here's a transcript of the chat, with my comments inserted:

XaQMorphy has entered the chat room [note: not my real name]

Chris H: Thank you for choosing Toad Gunner Technical Chat. My name is Chris H. , could I have the first and last name, and the phone number with the area code of the account holder please?

XaQMorphy: XaQ Morphy 414-555-1212

Chris H: Thank you. With whom am I speaking currently?
[OK, so I'll let him go on this one. He probably has a section of things he just copies/pastes into the window, and I'm sure he has to see "BigBoy420" and "FluffieBunny" all day long. He gets a pass here.]

XaQMorphy: I've been having intermittent problems with my internet connection dropping, for the past few weeks. Today I checked the network status page and see a Red status for WICONSON that dates back almost a month. Can I assume this is for Wisconsin ? What is the status of this issue, and when can I expect it to be resolved?

Chris H: We have no technical issues listed for your area. That network status page is updated by the local office. When you lose your connection do any of the lights on the cable modem turn off or start flashing?

The rest of the chat went as expected, with him telling me I had to contact the support line, but I had to wait until I lost my connection before I called. But wait, what was that he said? "That network status page is updated by the local office." Huh? The local office, which is located in Milwaukee, WISCONSIN? Milwaukee, as in the biggest city in WISCONSIN? Are you telling me that the person responsible for updating the network status page that can potentially be seen by tens if not hundreds of thousands of customers, the donkey who LIVES IN WISCONSIN, can't spell the name of the freaking state he/she lives in? Shit, even Microsoft Word can figure out that "WICONSON" should be "WISCONSIN," and look at all the possible donkey blog entries that company could create.

Come on people. I fear for my childrens' futures. This donkey somehow managed to get through filling out a job application and passing an interview to get hired by this company. Granted, they are in an entry-level customer service job, but what freaking donkey can't spell the name of the damn state they live in? Even the biggest donkey redneck can still figure out how to spell Alabamer, or Kintucky, but come on, this isn't very hard here!

Hey, ummm, fellow Manifestites, do me a favor...email me at xaqmorphy@gmail.com or post a comment to this thread and tell Mukwrm to get off his ass, send me the pictures, and post his blog entry from his adventures in Kingman, Arizona. I promise this one will bring a good laugh. Until next time!

Morphy

Happy Donkey Holidays!

Thanks to all that have wished us well during the last month or so. Things have been tough, but we're pulling through. With that, I announce my somewhat non-spectacular return to posting, and what better time of year for me to start than the Donkey Holidays! Pull up a chair and let me tell you various stories inspired by holiday donkness. Yes, this is the time of the year that most people can't think straight and wind up doing all sorts of donkey-like activities. That means that the real donkeys are even worse, if you can even begin to imagine such a thing.

We'll start with my quest for a new TV. After doing a bunch of research, and with a lot of help from a good friend from RGP, I knew what I was looking for. I have a strange built-in entertainment center, so I had a to keep things to a certain size that wasn't very universal. We packed the kids up, went to Circuit City, and after chasing the kids around the store for a half hour and taking some measurements, we decided the 42" Philips plasma TV was the one for us. However, we didn't buy it there, because the price on the website was quite a bit less, and the web site prominently displayed a "free shipping" option for this particular TV.

So the last day of the sale comes along, and I log onto Donkey City's web site. I choose the TV, get the credit card all ready, then run into a snag. By "free shipping" they really mean "you come and pick this big ass TV up yourself." Well, that wasn't too bad, since the store isn't that far from us. But no, it's only available in a store 200 miles away, in another state. Great! I then decide to call Donkey City up, and speak to the same salesman that I talked to when we went into the store. Remember, we looked at this TV on the wall, had him take measurements of it, talked about wall mounting it, and all sorts of stuff. He said that they were out of stock, they haven't had any in for quite some time, and don't expect to receive any for at least 2-3 weeks. Great, thanks a lot donkey boy!

My quest was not to go unfulfilled, however. I started surfing around, and wound up on Sears.com. Sears had the same TV for a few hundred dollars cheaper. Plus, no interest financing for 18 months. Now that's what I'm talking about. I have 18 months to pay this thing off with poker money before the wife has my head. Awesome! So I place the order, decide to not have it shipped to me for $50, because I can pick it up at the local store. I get the measurements for the TV, figure out a little extra for shipping, and then decide how to get it home. I talked to my mom, who inherited my grandpa's big ass Cadillac, and after realizing the back seat was bigger than my first apartment, we figured it had to fit in there.

Last night, off to Sears we go. The guy brings out a tape measure after hearing it's going into a Cadillac, and I see the measurements of the box, which clearly state 37". He measures around in the inside of the door, and gets measurements of 39" all around, then declares "nope, it won't fit." I tried explaining that something 37" high should fit through a 39" opening, but he refused, and I was out of luck because I wasn't about to try this on my own, and their policy is to refuse to release the item unless they can put it into a vehicle themselves. So, we are off to speak to a sales rep to have the TV delivered.

Fast forward 45 freaking minutes. I now have returned the existing TV and purchased a new one. Since it's gone on sale in the last 3 days, I also received $100 back. So we're almost set. After 6 trips back to wherever the hell he kept going, my sales donkey (more on this in a bit) finally has all the paperwork figured out. He has a copy of the receipt for me, all the information for delivery, a delivery date, and we're about ready to go. He decides to write down his cell number in case I have any questions. So he writes his number, and below it wrote, and I quote, "Sales Ass". Wow, did I really see that? Yup, sure did! Now the sales donkey needs to figure out how long my interest free financing goes to. The deal they had was for 18 months. So he writes down 12/13/05 after asking me what date it is. Then he says, "ok, so 12 months from that is..." and he writes down 12/13/06. Then he says "oh man, I wish I had a calendar here, ummm, so if that's 12 months, 18 months is, ummm...man, where's the calendar" so I say "June 2007" and he says "hmmm, well, ok, I'll trust you because I honestly don't know." So there we have it. Math = hard, especially when it comes to figuring out how many months are in a year. With any luck I won't have another entry to post about this TV!

Next we have a short bit that I overheard at work today. The conversation went something like this:

Person1: "Hey, when's that baby due, February?"

Pregnant Woman: "Oh, God no, it's only 6 more weeks!"

Pregnant Woman a few minutes later: "yep, 6 weeks from tomorrow. I hope he comes this year though, so I get the tax break, but I think we'll be cutting it close!"

Yep, math = hard.

I'm hoping to have some donkeys on wheels stories for everyone. We're getting hit by a snow storm pretty much every week now but surprisingly enough, the donkeys on wheels so far haven't been too bad. I have witnessed quite a few donkeys trying to "be the deer," that is, putting their brakes on and just staring straight ahead, unable to comprehend what is going on around them, but nothing that has been worthy of a separate entry.

So, until next time, enjoy, and have a happy Donkey Holiday Season!

Morphy

More Donkeys and Wheels

Today's entry brings us 2 stories dealing with donkeys and wheels, and one of them is quite literally that.

The first comes from Manifestite and RGPer Welshman:

http://tinyurl.com/brs3w (telegraph.co.uk)

So, what we have here is a speed trap. In many places, speed traps are automated. If a driver passes a speed trap moving at a rate of speed determined to be illegal, a camera goes off, takes a picture of their license plate, and sends them a ticket.

Here we have a particularly fast-driving donkey that was hit 4 times by the same speed trap in 1 minute 37 seconds. Now, I wasn't aware of it, but I don't believe there were any donkey races scheduled in Brussels last month.

The next article is, quite literally, a donkey story:

http://tinyurl.com/9ehr2 (ananova.com)

This one is amazing, and I wish I could find more details on it. I'm not even sure how many donkeys were in this story. First we have a group of kids who managed to steal a safe from a local hospital. I'm not sure how that is possible, but I'll just assume it happened. Next, they decided to use a donkey-driven cart to make their escape. Finally, we have the police, who were "unable to keep up with the donkey." ?!?!?!?!

I have a feeling that the actual donkey here is the only one that doesn't really deserve this title!

Until next time,

Morphy

Are Those Donkey Tracks?

Thanks to RGPer and inventor of the term Manifestite, GrouchySmurf, for pointing me in the right direction for this story.

With a bit of help from Google, I was able to find this news article:

http://tinyurl.com/ap2yv

So, the donkey stuck his head out in front of a train, heard the horn, pulled his head back, then stuck it out again, just in time for the train to smack him upside the donkey. Normally this would be funny enough and worthy of a donkey entry. But no, we here at the Manifesto like to bring you the cream of the crop in donkey stories (or whatever we can find, whichever comes first). Following this link, we find something truly donkish:

http://tinyurl.com/eyb83

Yes! That's correct Manifestites, this donkey was hit by a train, in the head, just 3 years ago. Now, I'm pretty sure I've seen a train before, but just in case I'm mistaken, I'll trust the journalist and assume that we're talking about the 1/4 mile long steel moving vehicle with a horn that can be heard for miles, and not the ultra sneaky, low flying, melon-acquiring object that some of you might be picturing.

So, I have to ask? How the hell can someone get hit in the head with a train? I'll go one step further. How the hell can the same person get hit in the head with a train twice in their life? There is only one answer. This donkey is a member of the secret cult of the Dawnkeih, who believe they can achieve enlightenment if they are beheaded by a fast moving object that travels on metal tracks. Unfortunately for this donkey, since he fucked up such a trivially easy task, he is banished to the hell of donkey stables, where he will be forced to perform menial tasks for the rest of his miserable donkey life, such as making coffee and asking if patrons would like fries with that.

Morphy

Sorry Donkey, I Can't Hear You!

I'm not necessarily back on the prowl for donkey stories quite yet, but I do have a few things to post, which I'll spread out across the next week or so. First off, I needed to come up with a name for our readers. Obviously calling the readers donkeys would be wrong, since the donkeys are the subjects of the posts, and not the readers of them. RGPer GrouchySmurf suggested using "Manifestites" and thus from this day forward, the loyal readers of the Donkey Manifesto will be known as such.

I've always said that I'll take submissions from Manifestites and post them here. Unfortunately I have 2 that I've let go by the wayside, and a third one that came in today. I'll post them in the order received, mostly so the first two don't feel slighted in any way.

Manifestite and RGPer Pokeraddict brings us this story. As featured on rogerebert.com's answer man section, the link to the information is below:

http://tinyurl.com/9t29k

The article talks about a movie made about the incredible accomplishments of percussionist Evelyn Glennie. I've seen Evelyn perform before, and she's simply amazing. The thing is, Evelyn is deaf. She's an excellent musician as it is, but knowing that she is deaf makes what she is able to do simply amazing.

So why is she featured in a donkey post? Well, she isn't, but the creator of the movie is. Why? Because he felt that making a movie about a deaf person and including subtitles would, and I quote "be hurtful" in the theatrical release. He also says "the visual aspect of the film is as important as the aural."

Ummm, that's all well and good, but don't you think that this film would appeal specifically to deaf people? I know that making a movie about a deaf person and thinking that deaf people might want to see the movie seems far fetched, but come on now! I have to go now. This is the type of donkey who would make a silent movie about a blind man, and if that's the case, I have another blog entry to write!

Until next time,

Morphy

Serious post - 11/13/05

I just wanted to let our readers know that due to a death in the family, I won't be posting here for a bit. Muk may post something when he feels like it, but I'm going to take a break to spend time with my family. Don't worry, the Manifesto isn't going anywhere; I'm just taking a short break.

Morphy

Donkeys and Beer!

As I've said before, I would really rather not turn the blog into a poker blog. Instead, I'd like to keep it a general donkey topics blog. Well, I've also made a semi-conscious effort not to just troll the news sites and write up goofy stories. Every once and a while I'll find something that is amusing, so I'll post it. However, that doesn't stop anyone else out there from sending something in. If you are interested in helping contribute to the blog, send me a link, or a story, or make something up, and I'll post it giving you credit for it. Just email me at xaqmorphy@gmail.com.

Now that I have that out of the way, I couldn't pass this one up. The link to the entire article is here:

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2005-10-29-elfbeer_x.htm

The general story-line is that state officials in Connecticut are trying to ban a particular brand of beer (strangely enough, called "Seriously Bad Elf") because they are afraid that the label might appeal to children.

I'm not sure exactly how to comment on this one. Is our society that screwed up that we have to put effort and tax dollars into preventing a label with an elf firing Christmas ornaments at Santa's sleigh from being sold in liquor stores? Dear dipshit (aka state official): here's a hint, kids are more likely going to be swayed to buy something by some big breasted bimbo than they are a picture of Santa. I mean really, you could put a picture of dog shit on the outside of a beer bottle, and kids are still going to want it. Why? Because it's BEER for fuck's sake, why else do you think?

Actually I know what the problem is. According to the company, they had no problems selling "Bad Elf" beer and "Very Bad Elf" beer. State officials were probably able to turn their heads to this, but when "Seriously Bad Elf" beer shows up on the market, all hell breaks loose.

I normally don't go into social rants like this one, but I couldn't let this one pass. I seriously had a problem coming up with comments on this article, because it has donkey written all over it so many times, it's hard to explain. I'm sure some political nutcase sees this as a serious issue that needs to be addressed, but remember, these are the same halfwits that spent their schoolboy days getting the crap beaten out of them, and now feel the need to push back on society with their laws and bureaucratic bullshit. Ok, rant over, until next time!

Morphy

Donkey Joke: The Donkey and the Well

I don't plan on making this into a joke blog, but this one has the perfect theme. Enjoy!

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, so it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake the dirt off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.

The Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

OK, that's enough of that BS...The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked the shit out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbors' farms and kicked the shit out of them too for helping.

The REAL Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.

Morphy